02x03 - Reagan & Mychelle's Hive School Reunion

[bunniefuu]

All clear! Time for our annual secret

revising of the Constitution.

Don't forget the amendment

about moving the Capitol to Cleveland.

There's no decent pierogies here.

[sighs]

How would the Founding Fathers

feel about this?

[Myc] Probably the same way

your father feels about you.

- Hey!

- Who cares? Ten of them were slaveholders.

And George Washington was actually

just a bunch of gerbils under a waistcoat.

[grunts]

That's President Pile of Gerbils to you.

Andre, what's our timeframe?

Twenty minutes. I used a cocktail

of NyQuil and cat Prozac.

[Myc] Oh, great.

Dr. Literal Dolittle has it covered.

Shut up, Myc.

Just ignore him. Okay, give the word

and I'll blow the hell out of this thing.

[Myc] Said your ex-wife to Brett's d*ck.

I'll k*ll you!

Will you can the insults, Myc?

I need you to contort

that squishy-ass body through those lasers

before you screw up this mission for us.

[Myc] I thought failing

was kind of more your thing.

Aliens? A woman in charge of a team?

No one will believe this!

Myc, quick! Spurt on that guy!

[Myc] I'm not a soft serve machine.

I need to warm up.

Hold on. Just give me a sec here,

all right?

- Hey, nobody look at me!

- g*dd*mn it!

[PA system] Security breach.

Now the mission is f*cked!

You useless waste of space!

Your sh*t attitude blew our mission!

We had to disappear that security guard!

And now I have to raise his tropical fish.

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't fire you.

[Myc] I I

Oh God! [sobs]

Okay. I was not ready for that.

Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's wrong?

I'm from a million-year-old

mushroom hive cluster

who live in the center of Earth.

Those stuck-up, under-crust douchebags

live in perfect harmony

and kicked me out

because I'm too much of a rebel.

You told me you left because everybody

was jealous of your "huge dong."

[Myc] All lies! My dong is average.

Average!

So you're acting up

because of your reunion?

[Myc] How can I go back?

When I left, I wanted

to prove I could be somebody,

but I'm a single, middle-aged loser

playing second fiddle

to a bunch of Men in Black rejects.

Why don't you just lie?

My hometown

thinks I created Grey's Anatomy.

[Myc] I'll still be single.

In hive culture, you are nothing

without a cluster.

Ooh, ooh, Brett idea incoming!

We go to your reunion with you

and pose as your cluster!

[all groan]

Also, what is a cluster?

It's some kind of

freaky mushroom mind marriage.

It's a psychic union, where everyone

thinks the same and acts the same,

like f*cking Marvel fans.

One sec, Myc. I don't want to do this

any more than you do,

but with Myc in this state, we'll never

be able to complete our missions.

Look at him! He can't

make Mind Eraser Juice like this.

And we can stop at cr*cker Barrel

on the way home.

Now I can get down

with some cr*cker Barrel.

Okay, Myc,

we'll pretend to be your cluster

if you promise to never insult us again.

[all gasp]

[Myc] My insults are my art!

But I can't let those shitheads in my hive

see me like this.

[suspenseful music plays]

Okay, deal.

[chuckles] Thank you, Reagan!

f*ck! What are you excreting?

[Myc] Sorta mucus, sorta jizz.

I call it "jucus."

Group hug! Who wants to touch my jucus?

Ugh!

- I'm already regretting this.

- Yay!

[upbeat music plays]

Gear up. It's a six-mile spelunk

down to Myc's hive.

[Myc sighs] 5,000 years

and I still don't have a thing to wear.

You're normally naked.

I need the team back here

for a priority code red.

Someone took a sh*t on my desk!

- Bleugh.

- I think we have a spy.

Why would a spy sh*t on your desk?

[Rand] I don't know.

Psychological warfare?

They're out to get me, Reagan!

Someone hates that I'm in charge.

Everyone hates that you're in charge,

but you're still being paranoid.

Paranoid?

Do you have any idea

how many enemies I've made?

They're everywhere, watching.

We're in Oregon right now.

So unless you can teleport us there,

you're on your own.

I would, but the teleporter

keeps blinking twelve o'clock,

and I can't figure out

which remote fixes that.

Ah, sh*t! I'll show them who's paranoid.

I'll catch the mystery shitter

and then we'll see who's right

about getting a sn*per team

to cover the sn*per team. Hm.

But then who will

snipe the sn*per sn*pers?

sn*per sn*per sn*pers?

Brilliant!

You're fired for eavesdropping.

[Myc] We're almost to my hive school.

Remember the story.

We are your loyal cluster.

[Myc] Cluster harem. Say harem.

[all] Harem.

And you're a respected

leftist podcast host?

[Myc] That's right.

I won the Nobel Prize for podcasting.

Suck it, Roman Mars! [laughs]

I don't even think he's from Mars.

[mystical music plays]

Myc Cellium.

[mushroom] Welcome, brother.

[Myc] Do me a favor.

My cluster is kinda human.

Could we slap a psychic metaphor

over this place

so we don't break their tiny brains?

- What did I say about insults?

- [Myc] Jesus! It's not an insult.

There's visual information down here

that will literally drive you insane,

you f*cking friend! [chuckles]

[mushroom] Glamour in the form

of a human high school reunion.

[mushroom hive] As you wish!

Ooh, add Romy and Michele.

[mushroom sighs]

Uh, Lisa Kudrow? Absolutely would.

[Myc] Thanks, Chief.

What are you so happy about?

We're in a f*cking slime cave!

This is the cave where all the world's

magic mushrooms originally come from!

Well, keep that dope away from me.

I've been mushroom-free my entire life.

You've never tried mushrooms?

Hell no! I'm a law-abiding American.

I only take caffeine, alcohol, nicotine,

and the occasional Oxyfentanyl blend

to help me sleep.

[sighs] Glenn, I think

you have clinical repression.

Say what now?

I used to be like you.

Look at this guy.

I didn't get laid until I was 23.

I just prayed and watched

Star Trek: Voyager for nine hours a day.

Mushrooms helped me break free.

Life is so much better

when you open up to new things.

Didn't you read Green Eggs and Ham?

I read the cover and decided not to try it

because I didn't like it.

At least have a drink with me.

Hm. All right.

[ominous music plays]

[Myc] How's my breath? I need to be

in peak form in case I run into

[gasps]Stem-mantha.

[magical music plays]

[Myc] She's the one that got away.

Into a sulfur geyser.

[laughs]

Oh, Stem-mantha, look at us,

drawn to each other like magnets.

[Stem-mantha] Wait, were you the one who

came over and did puzzles with my parents

so I could go have sex?

[Myc] Uh [chuckles] Well, I

- [mushroom] Go long!

- [Myc grunts]

[football mushroom] Myc Cellium?

I haven't seen him

since he ran out of graduation

before we all merged our consciousnesses.

[mushroom hive] Merged our consciousness.

[Stem-mantha] For once, you're not alone.

I assume these are your parole officers?

Nope. We're his cluster.

We are so in sync, it's crazy.

- Weird as hell.

- Awesome!

[Myc] She means non-stop erotic.

- [mushroom 1] Merged with humans?

- [mushroom 2] Is that Myc Cellium?

That's right. I, Myc,

the guy you all said has no friends,

now has a loyal cluster

of kick-ass human wives.

Also, he's Facebook friends

with Judd Apatow.

And he invented electricity.

[mushroom hive] Oh, wow!

[Myc] Quick! Assemble into a human throne.

Hey, we had a deal.

[Myc] It's all part of the act.

Love ya. Appreciate ya.

Right, my little sex monkeys? [chuckles]

[humans groan]

[Stem-mantha] Wow, it might just be

the dim cave lighting,

but you've had a serious glow-up.

- [Myc laughs]

- [mushroom hive] Ooh, wow.

[suspenseful music plays]

- Which one of you did it?

- Did what?

Don't act like you don't know.

Okay, okay! I've been stealing lamps

from the office.

I have a problem!

No one gives a sh*t

about your lamp addiction, Mothman.

I want to know which one of you spies

sh*t on my desk!

[laughter]

- What is he talking about?

- You're going full Nixon.

Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

- You are fired!

- [Mothman] What?

You can't fire Mothman!

Addiction is a disease.

It's time we had a discourse

about neurotypical ableism!

I don't understand your old-timey lingo,

Grandpa! You're fired!

[Grassy Noel] We'll take this to HR!

You're all fired!

Except you, DupliKate,

you've been crushing it lately.

[sniffs]

[gasps] How?

I was facing the door the whole time!

Unless

[suspenseful music plays]

[gasps] The sh*t's coming

from inside the house?

[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc!

[Myc] Yes! Yearbook signatures!

Anybody else notice everything

started glowing a little bit?

- Why can I taste my own teeth?

- [groans]

let's all take a moment to reminisce

and give a grand welcome home

to Myc Cellium.

[Myc gasps] Me?

[teacher] Young Myc

had a hard time fitting in.

[Myc] Goku goes Super Saiyan

in the 21st episode of the Frieza Saga

of Dragon Ball Z. [grunts]

Hey, you're being a real

f*cking Frieza right now.

[teacher] His strong psychic powers

made him extra sensitive.

[Myc] I know I'm weird,

but even when they act nice,

I can hear what they're really thinking.

Does anybody actually like me?

[teacher] Well, I care about you, Myc.

[Myc sighs]

[Myc] You think I'm a loser and you're

picturing your wife naked right now.

[teacher] At graduation, Myc was the only

one who refused to merge with our hive

but seeing you

with your subservient human cluster,

[Myc] Social validation! f*ck yeah!

Crawl me to stage!

[all groan]

[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc,

Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc!

[loud smooch]

[Myc] Oh, man. This is heavy.

Good thing I have my human cluster here

to carry it home.

They're used to taking all my big loads.

- [laughter]

- [mushroom] New class clown right here!

- [Myc] Hey, Loud One! Come here.

- [Reagan growls]

[Myc] Put this somewhere safe for me.

This one's a little clumsy.

She's got a bit of a "glug glug" problem

if you know what I mean.

[mushroom hive laughing]

You know what?

Hold your own g*dd*mn award.

- [Myc] What are you doing?

- We help you and this is how you repay us?

[Myc] Not now!

[laughs] She's just testy because

it took her ten years to get her dream job

and four hours

to literally t*nk it with sharks.

That's it! Myc has been

lying this whole time.

We are not his cluster!

We're not even his friends.

He works for us at the shadow government

where we only tolerate him

because we need his psychic goo.

And we have never willingly

hung out with him after work!

- [mushroom hive gasps]

- [Myc] She's kidding, folks.

- Oh, I'm not kidding!

- [mushroom hive gasps]

[Myc] Just one of our freaky sex games.

They love to please Daddy. [chuckles]

No, we don't.

[Myc] Yes, you do!

No, we don't! [grunts]

[Myc grunts]

[Myc yells]

[all gasp]

[squelching]

[Myc, monotonously] I'm sorry, Reagan.

You were right to punch me off stage.

Will you accept my heartfelt apology?

W-What has gotten into you, Myc?

[Myc] Oh, I'm not Myc. I'm the hive.

[gasping]

Oh my God. I just accidentally

assimilated Myc?

[Myc] We merged!

[mushroom hive] Hive to the left!

Hive to the right!

Eh, I feel so at ease, soldier.

Probably because the margarita I gave you

was spiked with magic mushrooms!

Welcome to the new you, baby!

You drugged me?

I would k*ll you

if death wasn't just a continuum of life!

Wait, what?

Get ready to drop napalm

on your preconceived notions! [laughs]

I'm not a hippie!

It's medically impossible

for me to flash a peace sign.

[Brett] Okay. How about this?

The Entourage movie should

be in the Criterion Collection.

[Myc] I agree.

What's going on?

Why isn't he verbally abusing me?

When Myc got tangled up

with the other mushrooms,

he must have psychically re-communed

with the hive mind.

He got accepted by the hive

and we got a nicer Myc.

I'm calling this a win-win.

Hell yeah. I have to spend years

brainwashing people

and you just did it in ten seconds.

[Myc] I was thinking I can make you all

a little thank-you dinner

at my town house tonight.

We can watch old episodes

of Sex and the City,

like a bunch of gal pals.

[Brett squeals]

Well, normally I would say,

"What type of pepper spray do you prefer?"

But to the new, improved Myc,

the pepper spray stays in my purse.

[Rand] All right, got my rearview mirror,

rattling cans, so no one

can sneak up on me,

and my lie detector.

Time for Operation Sane!

We'll see who's paranoid now.

Here, shitty shitty kitty.

[Carrie Bradshaw] Meanwhile, uptown,

I was having sex in the city.

[all] Oh!

[Myc] This show is so smart.

I'm such a Samantha, don't you think?

Mainly because all my orifices

are interchangeable.

[laughter]

[Myc] Cheers.

Normally, I'd pour this into a plant

to see if it dies,

but you're being weirdly tolerable

right now.

Too bad Glenn and Andre couldn't make it.

Wait, did they come home with us?

Who cares? More cosmos for Gigi,

and less glowsticks and fish odor.

[Myc] I'm sure

wherever they are, they're safe.

This is a safe place.

America isn't real. America isn't real!

Dude, that's crazy open-minded.

Do you want to touch feet to feet?

What kind of crazy jagoff

would I have to be to not do that?

Whoa!

Oh, you were right, Andre.

I'm one with all living creatures,

even liberals!

We should be writing all of this down.

Look, a whole wall just for drawing on!

[both laugh]

[laughter slows down]

Glenn, your inner beauty is astonishing!

I'm having a vision too.

And it's in British!

[Attenborough] I'm David Attenborough,

and you are tripping balls.

The mushroom hive is a species

of psychic fungoides

that came to Earth on an asteroid

millions of years ago.

The mushrooms flourished,

but then an early ape devoured one

and the mushroom's psychoactive properties

unlocked its higher consciousness.

Now evolved, these stoned apes

became Earth's dominant species

and the mushroom's dominant predator.

[in unison] My God.

Everyone's college roommate was right!

[David Attenborough] The mushrooms

were forced underground, resentful,

and dreaming of one day

rising up to overthrow humanity.

Wait, what was that last part?

We don't exist in peace and harmony.

We're at w*r with underground mushrooms!

I should have trusted my gut!

Ooh, my gut. I've been infiltrated!

We gotta warn the team!

Quick! I need to puke this out!

Me first!

[both retch]

[Myc laughs]

This is so nice.

I know you and I

haven't always gotten along,

but it all worked out in the end.

[Carrie] It all worked out

in the end, but I couldn't help wondering

what if this was all a hallucination?

Reagan, you need to wake up.

[distorted] Wake up, Reagan!

Huh?

Wait a minute.

How did we get back from Oregon?

Oh, God. What is happening?

[Carrie, in normal voice] Fight it. Fight

like a pair of Manolos just went on sale!

Brett, what are you doing?

Myc has a climbing wall in his kitchen!

It's too good to be true!

Exactly. We're not in Myc's

tastefully-decorated town house.

We're still in the mushroom hive!

- Gigi, Brett!

- [all groan]

Oh, g*dd*mn it! I knew it!

There's no way Myc's bookshelf would have

the complete works of bell hooks.

[hive voice] Do not be alarmed.

We put you in a shared fantasy

to make the sporing process more painless.

[Myc] Hey, girl, another cosmo?

Myc! How could you?

And just when I got my adult acne

under control!

[Myc] But now the team can be

in perfect harmony, just like you wanted.

[hive voice] Myc's attached us

to your minds.

We will learn all humanity's weaknesses

and then we will achieve our destiny.

Overthrowing the Earth!

[humans gasp]

[Myc] Oh, Reagan,

don't be such a Miranda about it.

[Reagan yells]

[sniffs]

[electricity buzzing]

Roach caviar, rat tartar,

boiled Gucci loafer soup?

- No, it can't be!

- [cans rattle]

[man] Hello, Rand.

- Agh!

- J.R. Scheimpough!

Of course!

Now who's a paranoid lunatic?

- Both of us. We both look f*cking nuts.

- Wasn't gonna say anything unless you did.

[Glenn groans]

We have to get the hell outta Dodge!

The hive is gonna take over Earth

by implanting mushrooms in our brains

and I guess you figured that out

without dr*gs.

We gotta save Brett's face.

- He's too old to develop a sense of humor.

- [Brett yelps]

All I wanted was for Myc to be nice.

Yeah, he went from being a fun assh*le

to a crazy, religious, totalitarian,

like Kanye.

I miss the old Myc.

He roasted us out of love.

And out of hate.

What I'd give to be roasted one last time.

Wait, that's it. A roast!

I think I know how to get Myc back.

J.R., what the hell are you doing here?

- I don't think we should tell him, Polly.

- Polly?

[J.R. in falsetto] Yes,

keep your secrets, J.R.

Jesus Christ.

After I escaped Bohemian Grove,

I made my way to my mansion in Georgetown,

but the Robes had it torn down!

I was erased!

Good God!

I knew the Robes would

have eyes everywhere,

but if you got drunk with power,

you'd rip out all their

surveillance devices at Cognito.

And if they can't see you

They can't see you either.

Damn, and they call me paranoid!

You'd be crazy not to be paranoid

in a place like this.

Everyone is out to get you.

Oh, f*cking thank you.

Wait, shut the hell up.

I'm only here

because you've been sh1tting on my desk.

I've only been sh1tting on your desk

because you people

took everything from me!

f*ck you, fuckface!

[insect scuttles and squeaks]

Wait, did you hear something?

[scuttling and squeaking]

[Rand] Son of a bitch.

A hidden surveillance device.

[Myc] Who wants some f*cking dirt to eat?

I'm still being nice. I like dirt.

Myc, we need the old you back.

The raging assh*le that I know

is in there somewhere,

and I know how to find him.

Prepare to be roasted!

[Myc] I'm confused.

Not as confused as the audience

at your poetry night.

It's strange that you can read minds,

but you've never read a single room.

[laughter]

[Myc] You weren't at my poetry night.

For real though, me and Myc

had some good times.

Like when I blocked your phone number

and went home and took my shoes off.

[laughter]

[Myc] You think if you insult me

it will bring out the old Myc.

Well, it's not happening.

I once caught Myc in the break room,

jacking off to the photo

on a box of frozen mushroom calzones.

Thank you. That is my time.

[Myc] I was reading the nutritional facts!

Myc, you don't have a shred

of moral character

and I hate the way you smell,

look, and generally exist!

When does the roast start?

[Myc] Stop it, stop it! Oh, God!

But seriously, I love having Myc around

as our wacky alien sidekick.

You know, he's basically our group's

[Myc] Don't say it!

Finish him, Brett!

Jar Jar Binks.

[laughter]

[Myc] Oh yeah, Brett?

The last time I saw a white guy

that generic, he was on a Don't Walk sign.

And you think I'm ugly, Glenn?

Your face looks like a neural network

combined a hundred images of testicles.

And, Andre, here's an opinion

on your personality.

You can't medicate boring!

And Gigi!

You're still hot.

As for you, Reagan!

Yeah, what about me, Myc? Ruin me!

[Myc] Even God himself

couldn't ruin you more!

Old Myc is back, b*tches!

f*ck you. And f*ck you.

And f*ck all of you f*ckers!

[mushroom hive gasp]

[hive voice] But, Myc, you can

have eternal companionship in the hive.

Why would you choose to leave

with a team you hate?

[Myc] Because I don't hate my team.

And unlike you,

they don't think I need to change.

You're a bunch of stuck-up dicks

who peaked in hive school,

and the only interesting thing that will

ever happen to you was meeting me!

I'm done trying to be like you.

It's time for you to get a load of me!

What is happening?

[Myc strains]

[mushroom 1] What you looking at?

[mushroom 2] I don't know.

Did Jackson Pollock ever paint with vomit?

[Stem-mantha] You all just see me

as an object!

Well, suck my stem, assholes!

I have a degree in communications!

Myc, instead of the hive

taking over your personality,

you took over theirs,

and now they f*cking suck!

Sorry, that came out wrong.

You don't actually suck.

You're an acquired taste.

[Myc] Don't worry. I'm picking up

what your feeble brain is laying down.

[Reagan chuckles]

Jesus, I guess the hive is gone forever.

[Myc] Nah, I got my hive right here.

[laughs] I've got hives from being here!

[all] Eurgh!

The Robes have bugs

disguised as actual bugs.

Have to admit,

if not for your revenge shits,

I never would've found

the real spies. Drink?

Brandy not made of my own urine?

How can I say no?

How would you like a job

debugging this place?

And in return,

I won't turn you in to the Robes.

Yes. I'm thinking co-CEO,

full salary, private jet.

How about unpaid intern

and I get to call you "Spanky"?

Deal!

Andre, I'm sorry for judging your commie,

hippie, junkie, pinko, pansexual,

ambiguously ethnic lifestyle.

No, Glenn. Almost dying with you

in a mushroom hole made me realize

I was the one judging you.

Also, sorry for drugging you.

After what we experienced, I'm proud

to not feel my face when I'm with you.

And I'm proud to call you a client?

You take traveler's checks?

- There you go.

- [Myc] Thanks for doing this, guys.

We're happy to have you back.

[Myc] Me too. Ever since

you helped me break from the hive,

I'm really ready to embrace the new me.

Oh, Gigi's proud of you, honey.

[Myc] Hello. Welcome to Fresh Dirt.

My guests this week

are genius robotics expert Reagan Ridley

and master media manipulator

Gigi Thompson. Welcome.

- Hi there.

- Pleasure to be here.

[Myc] My first question is this,

you guys ever make out?

Excuse me?

[Myc] After work,

you have a few too many Mich Ultras,

a hand ends up on somebody's thigh.

- That took all of, what, five seconds?

- [Gigi] I'm out.

[Myc] Get used to it, baby!

It's called journalism!

Fresh Dirt is brought to you

by Blue Apron.

Do you only care about the environment

if it's super convenient?

[tranquil music plays]