Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.
Zero hours of sleep.
Ow, God! And a new
catastrophic workplace injury.
Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this f*cking
Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!
Brett, did you do all this?
No, dog. They did it on their own.
Who'd have thought the best timeline
was this one?
Thank you, Reagan.
You rescued me from a timeline
where a teleporter
turned me into Jeff Goldblum.
I was trapped in a dystopia
where Kennedy never got sh*t.
It was awful.
He ended up k*lling millions.
And we had three faces!
It was unnatural.
We're just glad we don't
have to listen to these guys anymore.
Are these jumpsuits made
out of f*cking polyester?
I already have crotch rash!
Will you stop manhandling your crotch?
Oh! Like I didn't live all four years
in our college dorm
listening to your abusive relationship
with your right hand!
Hey, you two!
Save the shanking for the Death Arena!
- Oh, yeah, the Death Arena.
- I hate that f*cking arena.
You earned this.
You led Cognito through a gauntlet.
And saved all these POWs.
"Prisoners of warped realities."
Glenn coined that one.
I'm a wordsmith!
I don't know what to say, guys.
It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.
Time for our first totally normal day
with zero crazy personal drama.
See? She's so relaxed,
she's completely frozen.
Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?
Aw, I love how weird she is.
on behalf of the Illuminati,
I wish to thank you for doing
what I never could.
Destroying your father.
Thank you, but he destroyed himself.
Although he did team up with whiskey.
Please accept this
as a small, humble token of our thanks.
- A little over-the-top.
I don't hate this.
I talked to God,
and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.
You're not going to shitty heaven
with the regular people.
You saved the world for real, ninjette!
Please accept this gift basket.
I've seen enough anime
to know which holes these go in!
We expect great things, Reagan.
Whoa, the entire global conspiracy
just got behind you!
The weight of the world
is on your shoulders.
Finally, a reason
for you to have shitty posture.
Guys, I appreciate all of this,
but we still have a cover-up to focus on.
There's still some leftover anomalies
that need to be contained.
The damage to our timeline has
caused a number of minor inconsistencies.
Plot holes, if you will.
Oh, of course,
like how some celebrities are reptoids
and others are randomly Illuminati.
It's like Illuminati stuff came later!
Or like how I used to say
I wasn't an alien,
and then you guys found out
my species arrived on an asteroid.
Exactly. These plot holes
were all caused by the machine.
- Very satisfying.
- Future stuff too!
But the major anomalies
are still causing chaos.
Like here. A warehouse
full of Berenstain Bears books
where their names are spelled wrong.
Also, their genitals are showing.
Papa Bear is packin'.
We have six hours
before the changes become permanent.
We need to isolate and contain
every plot hole from this past season.
Of summer. The season of summer.
Hey, Brett, sidebar?
"We need to talk."
Dang! That always means
breakups or cancer.
Maybe it's just cancer.
I need some time to figure this out.
Do you think you could run things
for the day?
Me? In charge of a whole workforce,
Come on! You're not the same Brett
you were when you started here!
You can handle this.
Just remember, being a boss
means making tough decisions.
- Sometimes you have to k*ll your babies.
- I resent that!
It's a figure of speech!
Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,
and I want you to give him
the same respect that you've given me
starting roughly this morning.
All right, team. Let's get out there and
Hey! Where's everybody going?
This just turned into a snow day.
Except for the 0% body fat,
you're a big softie.
Oh, yeah? Would a big softie
vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?
- He k*lled his baby!
That's right, there's a new sheriff
in town. "Sheriff Boss"!
I'm sticking around
to see how dumb this gets.
All right, listen up. Confiscate the
presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,
sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,
and figure out how many Oscars
Meryl Streep is supposed to have.
Three sounds kind of low.
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
Man, leadership is easy.
You just yell the things you want,
and they happen.
Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.
Brett's get dangerous! All together now.
- No chance.
- Not doing that.
Come on, guys.
Brett's get dangerous.
Hey, the door was unlocked and
Oh God. You're leaving?
I don't hear from you for days
and you're moving?
I'm sorry. I needed time
to think things over.
Do you know how many times
we've almost died since we met?
Um, well, together or separately?
Look, before you break up with me,
I just want to say
I love you.
I love you too.
Wait, what the hell are you
Are you not breaking up with me?
No! Are you kidding?
You're the only thing that matters to me.
Which is why I made all of this.
A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?
What's in Appleton?
Just a small town where nobody knows us.
The perfect place for perfect memories.
You made us new identities?
And deepfaked photos of us?
We never did this stuff.
And if we don't leave the shadow world,
we might never get a chance to.
I've been thinking about it
and thinking about it,
and this job is dangerous, Reagan.
And the thought of you getting
Why did your finger just fall off?
This is just from getting sh*t
by my intern during a dimension storm.
This is what I mean!
You're risking your life at that job,
and for what?
To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?
We don't even know who they are!
Are they good, evil, even human?
The night we met,
I wanted to escape this job,
but then I met you,
and you were worth sticking around for.
Now, there's a chance for us to have both.
My last memory eraser.
We could start a new life
before it's too late.
If we remember classified intel,
they'll come for us,
but this way, we'll be free.
In Appleton, huh?
Low crime. Good schools.
Two rocking chairs on the porch
for when we grow old.
Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up
taking over the town like dictators.
You can't fix the world.
Something will always f*ck it up again.
But we could start our own world together.
I know it's a big decision, but
just think about it?
Okay. I'll think about it.
All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,
replaced the signs
that said "Pizza Hutch,"
and forced Richard Nixon
back into his grave.
I don't wanna talk about it.
There's only one anomaly left.
In this gym.
Once we get rid of it,
our timeline should s*ab.
Now, let's vaporize this puppy.
Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?
Was that a swish?
It sounded like nothing but net!
Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?
My first on-screen role model!
He must have been left here
from a timeline
where Air Bud was a documentary.
I guess there's nothing
in the rules of physics
that says a dog can't
glitch through time and play basketball.
Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!
Oh, but you literally said
That's when I thought it was
a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.
His hair swoops just like mine!
Brett, if I've learned anything
from Air Bud,
Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,
Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four:
Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,
and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa,
and Super Buddy spin-offs,
it's that the world doesn't need
a f*cking basketball-playing dog!
But Rye ruv him.
No biggie, just making
the biggest decision of my life
when I can't even
hold on to a portable charger.
Reagan, I really need your advice on
Oh, leaving again?
Staedtler kind of asked me
to run away with him,
Brett? What if you being in charge
was more of a permanent thing?
Forever? But, Reagan,
you're my best friend, and
And I got this.
All I care about is that you're happy.
What did you need my advice about?
Sheriff Boss can't handle.
Did you just hear a dog dunking?
Drive safe, pal!
Just gotta think it over.
Job versus love Job versus
Our building doesn't even go that low.
Agh! No! I promised myself
I wouldn't die at work!
No, no, no! Agh!
Reagan Ridley, the time has come.
Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!
We have been watching you
for some time. You and your father.
He hid the most dangerous w*apon
in the universe right under our noses.
More like Project
"f*ck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."
- The f*cking guy.
We wanted to thank you
for saving reality.
Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored"
if that is the preferred term?
That is the term. Shadow-honored.
But what am I even doing here?
Who are you guys?
In all these years,
you've never shown me anything.
Then what if
we showed you everything?
In ministerium chobanis!
You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me
to a Cthulhu, right?
No, hell, no, no.
That guy's f*cking nuts!
Who's ready to pet our new office dog?
His name is, um, Regular Bud.
You brought the anomaly back here?
That thing cannot remain in our timeline.
In less than four hours,
our universe will conform to a reality
where dogs rule at basketball.
So? That doesn't sound so bad.
Once dogs dominate the NBA,
they'll evolve thumbs.
They'll learn to work doorknobs,
which leads to political power,
their own military.
A full-on planet of the dogs!
Sweet dolphin Jesus!
You have to k*ll this dog
to save our universe.
No. No! There must be a solution.
What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?
So, what would Brett do?
Here it comes!
I'll prove we don't have to worry about
dogs dominating humans on or off the court
by beating Air Bud
in a game of one-on-one.
Yes! This has wildly exceeded
my expectations of stupidity.
Our story begins
at the dawn of history.
The birth of the very first society
begat the need
for the very first secret society.
A fraction of early humans were
born smarter than their fellow cavemen.
The intelligent ones
realized that without intervention,
their species would never survive.
But they were mocked
for their enlightenment.
They realized humanity
needed to be protected from itself.
And if they would not listen to reason,
perhaps they would listen
to a higher power.
the Order of the Black Robes was born.
Operating from the shadows
using secret knowledge,
we and our descendants
kept watch over all of human history.
Not to point out the obvious,
but f*re, plague, actual f*cking locusts?
If you're watching over us,
why didn't you stop these things?
Stop them? We unleashed them.
When humanity was about to overpopulate,
we released the Black Plague,
and in quarantine,
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
Okay, what is the plan
behind burning rainforests?
Controlled f*re to stop
sentient trees overthrowing humanity.
Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?
- Atlantean invasion fleet.
- Huh. No kidding.
What appears on the surface
to be chaos
is actually a complex system
serving a greater good.
Humanity is like your team.
You've seen what happens
when you don't save them from themselves.
They're not that helpless!
I put Brett in charge this morning,
and I'm sure that there are
zero high jinks happening right now.
At two and a half feet
and 14 and a half sequels,
he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.
It's Air Bud!
Yeah, mankind is doomed.
If the dog wins, he dies,
but this little idiot
does not want that, does he?
Throw the game. Please.
Please! The stakes are so high.
No, Air Bud. You just signed
your own death warrant.
Stop licking me.
It's time to say goodbye, Brett.
No! There's gotta be another way.
What about chess?
I could b*at a dog in chess! Probably.
Leadership means k*lling things whenever
people tell you to, no questions asked!
Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!
Fine. I'll do it.
Can you just give us some privacy?
No one else should have to see this.
But enough about the past.
Let's talk about the future!
My inevitable takeover binder?
You were in my office?
Wait, do you know
where my phone charger is?
Here you go.
What does this all mean?
You were the obvious choice
to replace J.R.,
but your irrational attachment
to your father held you back, until now.
We're not making you the new J.R.
You're making partner.
Everything we know, you'll know.
What do you think?
I don't think any human
is fit to govern humanity,
but I could create an algorithm
programmed to calculate the maximum
benefit for every living thing.
It's what I've wanted
to make for the office,
but I could make it for the entire world!
Shit. All right.
When could you start?
Think of how much good you could
do as the most powerful human on Earth.
Since you mention it, are you guys human?
How's about a little peek under that robe?
I was joking!
So you have to choose between true love
or a chance at world domination.
Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"
There's gotta be a solution
where Staedtler and I can be happy
without giving up my work!
I've connected the reality scanner
to the holo-chamber
and narrowed it down to timelines
where you, quote, "have it all."
Now you can
search every conceivable outcome
and see them for yourself.
Here's a reality where you and Staedtler
teach improv classes to convicted felons.
this is so un-genocidal of you.
Maybe this room makes me sentimental.
It's where I first learned empathy
from your mother's touch.
Aww. And ew?
Whoa. Weird. A reality
where we work together.
I'm busy, Ron.
Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?
No one understands you.
They just see you as a friendly doofus
that nobody's gonna miss.
People think that hugs and smiles
are all you have to offer,
but you gotta follow your heart
and do things your way.
That's why I'm letting you out
into a field and freeing you.
Here's a g*n to protect yourself with.
I feel confident about this plan.
Just stay away from doorknobs
and the dogpocalypse
should be fine.
It's over, Brett!
We knew you didn't have what it takes
to do this job!
It's your character arc, Brett.
According to Save the Cat!, your growth
can only happen if you m*rder a dog!
If you want to destroy Air Bud,
you'll have to go through me.
Maybe a boss with a big heart
is what this place needs
to stop being such a f*cking nightmare!
- I recognize your dominance.
- But Ow!
I just wanted to be slapped.
Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders
from Reagan because she was, uh
Kind of a dick?
- That's what I was thinking.
Well, I'm in charge now
and I make the rules.
Wait, the rules?
I just got an idea!
Okay. I just need to find
one reality where everything works out.
This is nice.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Maybe this one?
No, this is hopeless!
There has to be at least one reality
where we're happy!
This is it.
This is the solution.
I figured it out.
Air Bud is only a thr*at because
there's nothing in the rule book
that says a dog can't play basketball
I'm changing the rules!
They can't evolve if they can't
have any hope of a career!
Of course, just like 99%
of college players.
Lobby to ban dogs
from professional sports?
As long as you're holding the checkbook,
I'll ban anyone from anything!
It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed
the dog uprising, Brett.
I just wish our old coach
could have seen us.
Where is she anyway?
- Where's all your stuff?
- Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
- g*dd*mn, that burns!
- g*dd*mn, that burns!
Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,
you have a 60-second window
of suggestibility to read me the script.
I love you.
I love you back.
I can't wait
to finally be able to sleep at night.
Your name is Martin Higgins.
You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.
You had a hard time for a long time,
but you did something brave.
You took a chance on a new life
because you realized you deserved one.
I searched a thousand lifetimes
for the one that would make you happiest.
And you'll find it one day.
You're free now.
I'm sorry that I couldn't
be free with you.
I'll miss you, Ron,
and I know if it were possible,
you'd miss me too.
All right, Reagan, you made your choice
because humanity needs someone
to make the hard choices.
And as long as the person you love
is happy, maybe you can be happy later.
Until then, you have a job to do.
You've considered our offer then.
Maybe you could be my new Reagan.
How do you feel
about growing out a messy ponytail?
I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!
- Okay, okay, down, boy!
- You're back!
I found a solution.
One where Staedtler doesn't have to live
with the memory of our breakup.
Oh. But you do.
Yeah. I didn't want to forget.
What's with that dog?
I thought you were
the office golden retriever.
Long story, but I found a solution too.
- Is that dog growing thumbs?
Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right?
Solve unsolvable problems.
- Oh, and the Robes are making me partner.
Yeah, we're finally
gonna find out everything.
No more secrets.
It is done. The pact is sealed.
It's time to begin Project X37.
You don't think Reagan
will see this coming?
How could she?
She's only human.
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02x08 - Appleton
Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Inside Job". Aired: October 22, 2021 - present.
Anti-social genius Reagan Ridley and her dysfunctional team work to hide the world's conspiracies.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1