01x03 - Chapter Three: Into the Wobbly Wood

[bunniefuu]

You know, honey,

I'm not sure a lot of this North Pole
stuff actually plays in the real world.

Ooh. Yikes.

You shouldn't even been wearing that here.

Yeah, you're right about that.

I don't think
that I'm going to be bringing any

of my Mrs. Claus bathing suits with me.

At least I've got the important stuff.

Ah, my BlackBerry. Got it.

Still got half a battery.

Oh, Scott.

- My jeans.
- Mmm.

- You want a moment alone with them?
- Maybe.

What did you guys do with our clothes?

Oh, everything's taken care of, sir.

A house in the Chicago suburbs.
Fully furnished.

Complete wardrobes for the entire family.

Everything you need.
You'll have no reason to complain.

- That's a good one, Betty.
- Good what?

Noel, why are you here?

Just hanging out with my best friend.
Spending every moment with him.

Until Santa leaves me forever.

Well, that may not happen.
Unless you get me some better candidates.

I think you're being a little picky.

Whoa. Betty, I wanna leave the North Pole
in good shape.

But you are still leaving?

Yeah, that's why I packed everything,
including my bomber jacket.

Now that is vintage, right?

Oh, so that's the smell.
I thought a cow d*ed in here.

- Another good one, Betty.
- Good what?

Interviews in minutes, sir.
Candidates have already arrived.

No way.

Dad, wake up! Dad!

Oh, my God! Oh!

All right, it's okay! Don't panic!

Uh, we've just been abducted
by very bad people.

Bad people don't set out cookies.

Don't eat that! It might have poison, or...

This is the best thing
that I've ever tasted in my life.

Hey, your nose is all better.

What is this place?

And what are we wearing?

We're at the North Pole.
The elf said you'd been summoned.

Wait, that really happened?
I thought that was a dream.

Is it possible
this is really the North Pole?

These pillows are marshmallows!

No, no, don't eat that!
We might get charged for it.

Yeah, it's the North Pole.

I think you're gonna miss this place
a lot more than you're admitting.

Well, of course I am.

- This is where we raised our kids.
- Hmm.

This is where Cal and Sandra learned
to ride their first reindeer.

They had their first day of yule.

I am looking forward
to our next chapter though.

- Yeah, me too. Me too.
- Yeah?

I've been making a list
of the things I wanna do in Chicago,

and none of them involve a chimney.

- Pizza...
- No!

Or an elf screaming.

- No, no, no!
- No, listen. I got it. I love you.

- I love you too.
- You pack.

Pack?

- Crouton!
- How could you?

Will you just get out of my room?

The girl Claus taped pictures to her wall.

- Hmm.
- And is that a thumbtack?

They've been on her wall for years.
What's the problem?

The problem is, I was never told,

and none of this was ever cleared
by the North Pole Preservation Society.

They reject everything.

Do you know how long it took me
to get the puppet show out of our room?

It's a miracle we have kids.

- Ugh.
- Sorry.

I'm going to have to write up a report.

Ooh.

Yes! I love writing reports.

I thought you were supposed to gather
stuff to set aside for the real world.

The North Pole is the real world.
And I'm not leaving.

Okay... Oh.

Good talk.

Don't worry. I'm excited about leaving.

I'm even making a list
of things I wanna do.

Like, meet a crossing guard.

Um, use those hand-drying things
in public bathrooms.

Avoid bills by putting them in trash bags
and then hiding them behind a couch.

- Mm-hmm.
- Be a part of a C-boarding group.

Ooh! And learn what a time zone is. Uh…

Ooh, jury duty!

- Look at that!
- I'm seeing it!

- Look at that! Look at that!
- I'm seeing it! I'm seeing it!

It's the most magical place in the world!

It is, but, uh, play it cool, okay?

Oh, my God! So many elves!

Am I allowed to say "elf"?

I still feel like I'm dreaming.

In a way, you are dreaming.

This place isn't real.
At least, not like you think.

I'm sorry. What's happening?

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Because when you wake up at home,
you'll have no memory of ever being here.

- I'll remember.
- Well, of course you will, sweetheart.

Oh, my gosh. Where are my manners?
I never introduced myself. I'm Mrs. Claus.

- No way.
- Yeah.

Oh, you look far too young and stunning
to be a Mrs. Claus.

- Oh.
- Look who it is.

You're now my favorite candidate.

Oh, a candidate for what?

- Oh, um...
- Oh, my God! Simon Choksi!

You're my gaming lord and savior.
I can't believe you're real.

- Can I touch you?
- No, Cal! No touching.

Oh, Cal, is it? It's a good name.

Oh, m-my full name is Buddy Calvin Claus,
but everyone just calls me Cal.

Well, get in here! We'll take a selfie.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, no. No photos.

Um, there's a lot of ridiculous rules
around here, but that's a really big one.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, why don't you take these...
These guys around?

Simon has a lot of time
before he gets to meet with Santa.

Meet Santa?

- We get to meet Santa?
- Yeah.

You're not teasing me, are you?
I get teased a lot.

Aw.

You really don't know why you're here,
do you?

Wait, that's why I'm here?
To be the new Santa?

Yes!
Can't wait to rub this in Brady's face.

Well, you don't have the job just yet.
You got a % completion rate.

It's probably good enough
for the NFL Hall of Fame, but up here,

we kind of look for a %.

Well, I'm pretty sure I can pull it off
with no pass rush.

Well, there's no pass rush,
but there are some security problems.

We got NORAD.

Their radar's getting much better
at tracking us, right?

We've got chimney raccoons. Oh, boy.

Sketchy pastries on plates.
You never know how long it's been there.

You got a mayonnaise problem sometimes.

So got to watch out for that.
You got your Christmas deniers.

And you got your Santa traps.

Santa traps? What's... What's that?

Let's say you're going down a chimney,

you pop in, you see a tree,
the garland's just slipped off.

You decide to be a nice Santa
and pick it up, put it back on the tree.

You grab the garland…
…grabs your hand.

You pull it, you're in a trap.
Just like that.

You see, with me,
I wouldn't pull the garland.

Yeah. And who would, right?
That's good. Okay, okay.

How about this?
Give us your best "ho ho ho."

Oh, okay. Here we go.

Ho ho Homaha! Homaha!

You see that?
I called a little audible there.

He's odd, yet somehow perfect.

He's odd, all right.

I don't know if we have a hat big enough
for that head.

Phew. Look at the size of that thing. Hmm.

What's gotten into you?
We need to find someone quickly.

What's the rush?

Well, breaking in new Santas take time.

Breaking in a Santa?
We're talking about Santas, not horses.

I know. Horses listen.

Ha! That's a good one.

You still here?

Me? I was kidnapped.

One minute I'm cleaning rain gutters,
and next minute, I'm here.

By the way, I'm gonna need a note
from you for my wife.

Hey, Big Man!
On a scale of epic to super epic,

how "giganticous"
do you want your farewell party?

That won't be necessary, little man.
It's always nice to meet a big fan.

Here's an autograph.

Michelangelo gave me this shirt!

It's worth more now, trust me.

Peyton, he was talking to me
about my farewell party.

Listen, low-key.
I mean it. No muss, no fuss.

No muss, no fuss.

Who's the dead elf that's gonna tell
Mariah Carey she's no longer performing?

I sing, by the way.

No, Brady can sing.

Anyhow, thanks so much.

And here you go. Santa's Workshop.

I never wanna leave here.

Wow. Being here really makes you forget
about all your problems in the real world.

Oh, hey! Is it true in the real world
there's a thing called "gridlock,"

where traffic just stops
and you get to know your neighbor?

That's one way to look at it.

Wow.

Oh, hey!

Is it true that shopping carts fit
into each other like little nesting dolls?

And telemarketers just call you?

I can't wait to get my first sunburn!

Those are all things, I guess.

But there is nothing like this place.

Yeah, it's okay, I guess.

I hate that we won't remember it.

Here, sweetie.
Some rules are meant to be broken, okay?

Time to meet Santa.

Oh. Okay. Wow. I'm ready.

I wish I'd brought him something.

Uh, but what do you give Santa?

He's into NFTs.

Nutty fudgy tea cakes.

We can make sure
you meet him after your dad.

Buddy Calvin Claus,
could you watch the girl person?

My lack of maternal fortitude
will only make us both uncomfortable.

Okay, honey.
Be careful, all right?

It's the North Pole, Dad.

It's the North Pole!

Let's go.

Oh! Hey, hey!

Is it true, in the real world,
there's, like, a whole department

of motor vehicles and you get to go there?

I ride a bike, but… hmm.

Wow.

- Cal, why do you have a human kid?
- I'm in charge of showing her around.

- I know this place better than you do.
- That is not true.

Okay. Then what's that lever do?

Uh…

- It makes things better. Yeah.
- Mmm?

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Great. Thank you.

I needed a new nightmare anyways. Yeah.

Well, I will give you the good tour.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Simon Choksi.

Listen. Hold on.
I don't want you to be nervous here.

Oh, why would I be nervous?

Because you're interviewing
to become Santa Claus.

Sorry, sorry.

That's all right. They're just priceless.

Um, do you want a drink of something?

Uh, chocolate milk? Strawberry Quik?
Pick your poison.

Uh, I'm sorry. What's happening?

Okay.

Santa Claus is considering stepping down,
looking for a possible replacement.

Now it's been challenging,

but your name came up as a person
with great possibilities.

So I wanna hear a little bit about you.

Wow, okay. Uh…

Uh, well, s-sure.

Uh, so, you know,
I-I started, uh, as a game designer.

- Mm-hmm. Hmm.
- But then I expanded.

And, uh, my company, Everything Now!,
is, uh, spiraling out of control

because our delivery system is a mess.

That's why there's the really mean GIF...
I don't know if you've seen it.

It's going around calling my company
"Random Thingy Delivered Sometimes."

You haven't done a lot of job interviews,
have you, Simon?

You know, can I ask you a question?
It's about your delivery system.

Why would I wanna hire you?

Uh, well, uh...

You know, I...

Great "communitator."

How about that drink?

Uh, make it a double.

Okay, good.

Did you say chocolate, vanilla, or...

Were you told no photos?

Yes. A lot.

Right, but you tech guys just aren't
used to people saying "no" to you, huh?

Oh, actually,
everybody tells me "no" all the time.

But you don't listen, do you?

- Um, Dad? Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, I don't think
you're interrupting at all.

We're done here, Simon. Thank you so much.

- Yeah, I sort of lost his daughter.
- Oh.

Grace?

Oh, I got to find her!

No, no, no. Don't worry about it!

We have great security here
at the North Pole!

The elves will find her!
They'll find anything! No...

Well, she was with Sandra.

Oh, no.

So this is Dancer, and that's Prancer.

Next to him is Comet,

and over there is Vomit,
who has to stay clear of the others.

How do they fly?

Good question.

Did you ever hear the theory
about bumblebees?

Well, their wings are too small
to lift their body mass.

Experts finally concluded that

the only reason they can fly
is 'cause they think they can fly.

Same with reindeer.

Santa convinced them that they could fly.

Wow. No way.

- Uh, uh, can I?
- Of course.

It's okay.

There you go.

I hate that I have to leave here.

I don't blame you.

My dad's been making this dumb list

of all the things he's gonna do
in the real world.

You know what I can't do?

Hug Prancer.

I'm gonna miss him the most.

You are my best friend.

Aw.

Wait. What?

- D-Did you hear that?
- His grunt?

No, he said actual words.

Prancer, say something.

Um, okay, I'm gonna go talk to someone
in the woods about this.

Wait, uh, can I go with you?

- You're cool!
- No, you can't...

Wait. Did you call me cool?

Yes.

Okay, let's go.

All right, this is E.L.F.S.

Watch your head.

Gary, we got a problem.

You said you had
the best detective force in the world.

E.L.F.S. Right here.

Where is everyone?

I'm the only one left.
Fudge-It cuts, you know?

- What's a Fudge-It cut?
- Don't get him started.

We get paid in fudge. After years
of no crime in the North Pole,

Betty decided extra fudge
would be better spent on the line workers.

So the others left to make toys.

Not me.
I'm getting too old for that shift.

- Told you not to get him started.
- Wha...

Listen, we have a little problem,
all right?

My Sandra has left with his daughter.

What do they look like?

My Sandra, his daughter.

Human females.

Hold on. Let me check.

Why does the North Pole need a jail?

Pie crimes and mistletoe-meanors.

We had a report of two non-elf females
spotted, headed toward the Wobbly Woods.

And you didn't think that was
important enough to tell me?

No elves dare step foot
in the Wobbly Woods.

Oh, because of the "Christmas Witch."

I've been face-to-face with her.

An evil harpy with black eyes
and a dead pine cone for a heart.

Goodness, you're intense.

- All right, I'll go get them.
- Well, I'm coming with you.

I don't care if there's
a thousand witches.

I'll fight 'em all to save Grace.

Only one witch.

But she can make a man
do things against his will.

Yeah. And you better cut back
on the maple syrup. I saw that.

All right, let's go.

You know, Simon,
you could've stayed indoors.

- Nope. I'm fine.
- Yeah?

Is that teeth chattering or a woodpecker?

Look, I don't care if I get frostbite.
I'm not stopping until I find Grace.

Okay, well, you...
No, you're not gonna find Grace that way.

- Come on. Come.
- Do you know where we're going?

Yeah,
the Wobbly Woods are always changing.

They're alive.

Oh, well, that's great.

So, your one kid lost my kid,

and your other kid took her to the woods
that are alive and might have a witch.

- That's just wonderful.
- Well, listen, Simon.

Simon, no other applicant brought
their kid. You insisted on that.

I bring her everywhere.
She's my everything.

I named Everything Now! After her.

That's wonderful and kind of annoying

since I'd already formed an opinion
about you.

Well, that's fine by me. There's no way
that I can take on being Santa, all right?

I'm giving it my all just to be
both mom and dad to my daughter.

Her mom is where?

Uh, she passed away two years ago.

Oh.

That's so sad for both of you.

That's... I'm sorry about that.

Thank you.

My number one goal right now
is just to try to make her happy.

That's our number one job.

We actually started a nonprofit
in her mom's name

where we, uh,
we give toys to under served kids.

Well, that's horrible.

You just rip my existence
right out from under me.

Oh, sorry.

You're... You're kidding.

No,
that's actually wonderful stuff you do.

Listen,
the world could really use more of that.

You know, um, when Grace's mom passed,
I... I stopped believing in everything.

It's really nice to see
that some magic still exists,

but right now,
I wanna find Grace and bring her home.

We're going to find Grace.

- Oh, Grace's locket!
- Don't pick it up.

Oh. Oh.

What... What's going on?

My feet are stuck.
It's like... It's like sticky snow.

It's okay. It's okay.
Remember, I told you.

This forest is alive
and, apparently, doesn't like you.

Look, I'm gonna head over there...

I didn't see that coming.

Well, can... can you use your magic
to get us out?

Yeah.

Oh, great. Great. You made it colder.
That's wonderful.

I'm having a little problem with my magic.

I suppose that makes you happy.

Why would that make me happy?

So much clucking.

I thought the sticky snow
had caught two hens.

Christmas Witch.

Witch!

Please don't tell me
you baked our girls into a pie.

One witch bakes one kid into a pie
like a thousand years ago,

and now it's a thing.

Also, you know,
I don't like this word "witch."

I'm La Be fan a.

La Be fan a, it actually means "the witch,"
or if you'll forgive me, "the hag."

But I had style.

Yeah.

All across Italy,
on the Feast of the Epiphany,

I would fill the good children's sock
with candy

and the bad children's sock with coal.

Which, in winter,
is actually more valuable than candy.

And how did you get to the houses?

- A broom.
- Ha!

Shut up!

Back then, a witch couldn't get
a sleigh loan without a warlock to cosign.

Now, you want to see the little girls?

Let's go!

Could you...

Little help.

Hello?

I'm gonna get one of those sticks.

Girls? Oh, girls?

Can you vouch for these two trespassers?

Daddy!

- Honey, are you okay? Oh!
- Wow.

- Hey, Dad.
- This place is so exciting.

I wish we could stay here forever.

You do?

Who is this? Is this Grace?

Sweetie, this is Sandra's father,
Mr. Claus.

Or Santa.

- Hello!
- Oh, well, hi there. Look at you.

You like stuffed panda bears.

- Yeah.
- Huh. I remember that.

I'm glad you're okay.

- Come here.
- Uh.

What made you think
it was okay to bring Grace here?

She came with me,

and I had something important
that I needed to talk to La Be fan a about.

La Be fan a, the witch that has
a pine-cone heart? That one?

You've been talking to Gary?

We had one date, like, years ago.

He's obsessed with me.

Yeah, you certainly caught his eye.

First, I can't be friends with animals.

Now, I can't be friends with witches.

And for your information,
I come here all the… time.

What? Is that where you got fleas?

No, I keep a clean covenstead!

I mean, a house.

Look, La Be fan a listens to me.

You don't know anything about me.

Sandra.

Um.

Hey, you should listen to her.

She's a very, very special girl.

Sandra!

Hey, hold on, Sandra. Hold on!

What? You mad?

Yes, I'm mad.

Then ground me here forever.

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me.

Interesting. Go on.

Listen,
I know that you don't wanna leave here.

I get it.

Well, do you?

You keep making that dumb list
of all the awesome things you're gonna do

when you aren't Santa.

You mean this one?

Yeah. It just says, "Buy a boat," and then
there's a bunch of doodles of boats.

And then it says,
"Do I really want a boat?"

Then there's doodles of boats
with X's through them.

That's super sad, Dad.

Do you know what I was thinking?

That you could just lease a boat
with an option to buy?

That's actually a good idea,
but, no, that's not what I was thinking.

I was thinking, actually,
that I never wanted to be Santa Claus,

which is why it was the most awesome
thing that's ever happened to me.

Going with the flow is
the only way to tackle life.

It's hard to go with the flow
when you're scared.

I mean, I'm really scared, Dad.

Of... Of humans,
of anywhere that's not here.

It's so embarrassing.

It's okay to be afraid of the unknown.

I'm scared too.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I think I'd be less scared
if we could be scared together.

Yeah, me too.

So you really didn't think
you were gonna be a good Santa?

No.

I was sure I wouldn't be a good Santa.
I thought it was the worst choice ever.

So what happened?

I started seeing it
through Charlie's eyes,

and it changed me for the better.

Maybe it was in me all the time,
and... and I just didn't know it.

Grace, um,
Santa asked me to be the next Santa.

- What?
- But I said no.

- What?
- And then he asked me again.

Dad, don't be crazy! Take the job!
Be Santa! I love it here!

You do love it here?

Yes.

Okay, I mean, I always said
I wanted to be on top of the world.

I just never thought, you know, literally.

- Dad.
- Okay!

- I mean, I'll... I'll take the job!
- Yay!

Listen, you're gonna have to make
decisions a lot quicker on Christmas Eve.

I-I-I can't believe
this is happening right now.

- I have goose bumps.
- You know, it could be hives.

I think we both picked up
a little something from the witch's house.

Okay.

With this ceremonial passing of the coat…

…you become custodian of Christmas.

- Oh, oh!
- Oh.

- It's heavier than I thought.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Sorry. Whoa!

Oh, hey! Whoa. Geez.

Slippery little sucker.

Thanks, honey.

Stay there.

Okay, well, that's about it.

- Yeah.
- You guys ready?

So, so, so ready.

You gonna tell him about the Mrs. Clause?

No. I think that'll be
a nice little surprise. Don't you?

Okay, are you all ready to fall asleep
and wake up in your new life?

I've got everything I need,

and I'm looking forward to seeing
who I am when I'm not Santa.

And I'm looking forward
to any identity whatsoever.

Ready. We're ready, Edie.

Okay. Get ready for the angel dust.

I think we're gonna have
to call that something else.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

Wait, no. No, not the dust.

Dad. Dad, please.

I don't wanna forget this place.

No. Listen,
only visitors lose their memory.

You will never forget.

The North Pole
will always be a part of you. Forever.

- Just like all of us.
- Mmm.

All right, here goes.

I know an elf's scream when I hear it.

- Seriously?
- That's Noel.

I can't leave here without saying goodbye
to him.

Try being married to that scream.

Forgive me, Santa,
but I couldn't do nothing.

♪ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart ♪

♪ But the very… ♪

Aw.

I'm sorry, Santa.

Noel. Noel. Come on.

It was perfect. It was perfect. Come on.

I need a minute.

Go back! Take it from the top!

♪ Last Christmas ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ But the very next day
You gave it away ♪

♪ This year, to save me from tears ♪

♪ I'll give it to someone special ♪

♪ Once bitten and twice shy ♪

We have a lot of work to do, sir.

Yes,
I definitely have some big shoes to fill.

Boots. You have big boots to fill.

♪ Tell me, baby
Do you recognize me? ♪

Okay. Boots.

♪ Well, it's been a year
It doesn't surprise me ♪

♪ Merry Christmas
I wrapped it up and sent it ♪

♪ With a note saying, "I love you"
I meant it ♪

Spelling!

♪ Now I know what a fool I've been ♪

♪ But if you kissed me now… ♪

There we go.

- That's my name.
- Oh, I love it.

From beginning to end,

everything has always been just a bit off
in the most exquisite way.

Uh, Mrs. Claus?

I need to ask you a question.

No, Crouton.

I did not take the monogrammed towels
from the bathroom.

I know, which is why
I discreetly placed them in your luggage.

- Oh.
- My question is, may I have a hug?

♪ A man undercover
But you tore him apart ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ My God ♪

♪ I thought you were someone to rely on ♪

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, my goodness. Bye.

Okay.

Maybe we should stay.

It's too late to stay. You know what?

This is gonna be great for us.
It really is.

Look at this.

Careful with that dust. Watch the dust.
Watch the...

Oops.

My bad.

Another chilly morning, folks.

Which begs the question,
what's so great about Chicago?

Lake Michigan…

- Honey, honey, honey!
- What?

- Chicago. Home.
- Oh! Oh.

I... What? Oh.

Wow! Where did the rest of me go?

Literally, where does it go?

And whose hair looks that good
when they first wake up?

It's elf magic!

Mom! Da...

Sandra, it's me.

Who... Who are you?

- It's Dad.
- I warned you this is what I look like.

It's me.

You-You didn't prepare me for this.

What is happening?

- Huh?
- I don't know.

Cal!

- Cal!
- Don't worry. It's Dad.

Cal!

Yeah. Hey, what's up?

Guess who this random man is.

A guy named Ron?

- Ron?
- No.

A guy named Greg?

- Greg? Ron? What... What... It's Dad. Me.
- What is wrong with him?

Oh, Dad!

Oh. You warned me you'd look different,
but this is...

I don't know.

Are you... Are you okay?
Is... Is the real world k*lling you?

- No, I'm fine.
- What?

Stop touching me like that.

Okay, well, I'm finer than fine.

- Yeah?
- 'Cause, guess what.

- What?
- It's degrees outside.

- Mm-hmm.
- What?

Above zero!

- Summer!
- Yeah!

Let's go.

You look great.

Welcome home.

Yeah, right?

- Look at that.
- Aw.

Running through slush in their pj's.

- They're so excited. This...
- Yeah.

This is good.

It's gonna work.

Yeah.