01x23 - Thing Is Missing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Addams Family". Aired: September 18, 1964 – April 8, 1966.*
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Morticia and Gomez Addams head a perplexingly macabre family whose members include a giant named Lurch, who acts as doorman, a disembodied hand named Thing, not-quite-right son Pugsley and morose daughter Wednesday.
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01x23 - Thing Is Missing

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Ninety-six,

ninety-seven,

ninety-eight,

ninety-nine,

one hundred.

There, that's that.

Thank you, Mother.

That new cactus brush really
makes my head feel nice and tingly.

Well, I'm glad, darling.

I'll just go upstairs and throw
away your old porcupine-quill brush.

And thank you, darling.

My pleasure, cara mia.

In fact, why don't we go to 200?

No, thank you.

You can't improve on perfection.

Thanks to you, Fester.

Oh, thanks. And
thank you, Thing.

But I would suggest that
you trim that scratcher.

I think I detected
a slight hangnail.

Well!

What was that all about?

He'd be a real sorehead,
if he had a head.

Thing has been a bit off lately.

Moody, he's morose.

Hardly ever plays his
castanets for us anymore.

Tish, doing those fiery flamencos
with you always made my blood run hot.

Come, querida, let's do one now.

Ole!

Oh, no, darling, it's just not the
same without Thing's castanets.

I could click my teeth for you.

No, Uncle Fester, I'm afraid
you don't get the same b*at.

You don't have
very musical molars.

Darling, why won't
Thing play for us?

Who knows? Temperament.

Mama.

Has Thing been
acting strangely lately?

Why should I know?

To me he's always strange.

Wednesday?

Fester?

If you ask me, Claude
Cuticle is a spoilsport.

Darling, why is everyone
so resentful of Thing?

Well, he has been
a bit stubborn of late.

Can you imagine not wanting to
play fast draw with the children?

Well, would you if you couldn't
say "bang" and win once in a while?

Lunch.

Oh, thank you, Lurch.

And it's so nice that you're
your same sweet, lovable self.

Thing, Lurch has
announced lunch.

You may ring.

Thing!

Oh, he's really
in a mood. I'll ring.

Querida.

Thing...

All right, Mr. Fingers,
you asked for it.

You know, Tish,

there are some times I wish your
name were something like "Oo-oo."

"Oo-oo?"

It's almost impossible to blow
smoke rings and spell out "Morticia."

Well, darling, it's the
thought that counts.

Lurch certainly outdid
himself with that lunch.

Marinated gizzard of lizard.

En crouton.

Still, it wasn't the same
without Thing at the table.

He's so handy for passing.

And fanning hot soup.

Oh, darling, do you remember
the time he spilt the salt

and he almost went mad trying
to find a shoulder to throw it over?

Now.

It's odd. The one in the middle
always comes out that way.

A spare leg could come in handy.

That's true.

Oh, I see my roses
need trimming again.

No matter what I do those
smelly petals keep growing back.

Hand me my
shears, please, Thing.

Thank you, Thing, I
knew you'd come around.

Thing!

Oh, darling, I thought
it was... Nonsense.

Thing only likes to hold hands.

You know, dear, I'm getting
very concerned about him.

I think we ought to find
out what his trouble is.

Capital idea.

Thing?

Come on, Thing, I want
to have a man-to-hand talk.

Thing?

Thing?

Sounds empty.

I'm going to get to
the bottom of this.

If there is a bottom to it.

Thing.

Thing?

Thing.

Haven't seen Thing
around, have you?

I thought not.

Find any clues?

No, dear, but I found this in
one of Thing's favorite boxes.

Thing's parents.

Probably their wedding picture.

Lovely couple.

Yes.

Darling, doesn't it strike you
as odd that Thing would go away

and leave a treasure
like this behind?

Yes.

I mean, he just
wouldn't pack up and...

Darling, do you suppose
Thing has met with foul play?

Exactly my thoughts, querida.

What are we going to do?

The only thing we
can do with a mystery.

Solve it.

I shall conduct an
investigation immediately.

A-ha! Fingerprints!

Oh, my own.

Where were you on the
night of March 3? Gomez!

Sorry, my pet, I tend
to get carried away.

But we do have to
chercher la femme.

Chercher la femme?

Tish, you know what you do
when you speak French to me.

Darling, please
remember you're on a case.

That's right. A case.

Now, what was that
about chercher la femme?

An old saying I just made
up. "Find the woman."

Oh, very clever. Then
you do suspect me.

No, my dear.

The other femme in our house.

The mischievous, petite femme.

Wednesday Addams.

I won't talk without a lawyer.

She's a shrewd one.

But the psychological effect of
the hose makes them all cr*ck.

How about you?

I claim the Fifth Amendment.

What's the Fifth Amendment?

Darling, you went to law school.

I was absent that day.

Hey, everybody. What's going on?

Fester, I'm right in the middle
of a very important interrogation.

So that's what
happened to the hose.

Don't you know that the whole
cellar's leaking all over the place?

Well, we found out
one thing. What's that?

We need a plumber.

I'll fix it.

I'll help you.

But I haven't finished
my interrogation yet.

Interrogation? Whose?

Yours.

Well, Thing and I
had a slight brush.

Is this what you
call the third degree?

Is it getting to you?

Oh, yeah.

Say, you can take it
up to the fourth degree.

Uncle Fester, please,
you're not cooperating at all.

What is it you wanna know?

We want to know what
happened to Thing.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Thing's disappeared.

We know that.

We want to know if
Thing met with foul play.

Well, the way Fingers
has been acting lately,

I'd call it fair play.

Uncle Fester, how
can you be so callous?

I've been practicing.

That does help.

Say, why don't you
question Mama?

She and Thing had a
terrible fight in the kitchen.

They did?

Mama.

Thing ruined my blackbird
pie, that's what he did.

Let them get away.

Let who get away?

The blackbirds.

All four and twenty of them.

Insisted on helping
Lurch pour the tea.

Lurch.

Of course. Lurch!

It's always the butler.

Lurch, I'll thank you to
wipe that smile off your face.

You seem pleased
that Thing is gone.

Thing gone?

Well, I guess we're right
back where we started.

Sorry, old man.

Darling, why don't
we call the police?

The police?

Well, I suppose so.

Just to handle the details.

Of course, bubele.

Tish, that word.

Darling, remember
you're on a case.

You're right, a case.

Operator? Please connect
me with the police department.

Well, of course it is.

If your family
Thing was missing,

wouldn't you consider
that an emergency?

Hello, Police Department?

This is Mrs. Addams.

I'd like to report
a missing Thing.

What? Just a moment.

Darling, shall I ask for the Burglary
Division or Missing Persons?

Well, that is a moot point.

Find out if they have
a Miscellaneous.

But if it isn't a person,

just what sort of a thing is it
that's missing, Mrs. Addams?

Is it a pet?

Well, it's, it's a
family retainer.

Oh, so it's a servant.

Well, isn't that a person?

Not necessarily.

"Not..." Well... Well, have
you got a picture of him?

Yes, I believe we
do. Just a moment.

Darling, is that family
portrait still around?

Yes, but I'm afraid
Thing isn't in it.

Don't you remember?

He took the picture.

Look, lady, unless
you can give me

something more
specific to go on,

I'm sorry, but we can't
be any help to you.

Who cares?

Run an ad in the Lost and Found.

I found it in a vacant lot.

When I saw your ad...

Oh, it's exquisite,
but it's not our Thing.

Think you could
bear to part with it?

You mean you still
want it? Oh, yes.

Name your price.

$250?

$250?

No, I meant...
Too late! It's a deal.

You'll have to
excuse my husband.

He drives a very hard bargain.

Business is business.

Can't have you upping
the price on us, old man.

No, no, of course not.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

I'm on my way down
to the dump now,

and if I find any other
bargains I'll let you know.

You do that.

Oh, we'll be days
finding just the right spot

for all these beautiful things.

Certainly got a wonderful
response to our ad.

I'd give them all up for
just one look at our Thing.

This may be it.

I certainly hope so.

We're running out of room.

Special delivery.

Thank you, Lurch.

Morticia, it's a ransom note.

A ransom note? You mean...

He's been Thingnapped!

"The ransom is to be paid
at the stroke of midnight,

"and do not call the law if you
expect to get Thing back in one piece."

Oh, Gomez!

Courage, my dear, courage.

"Ransom is to be paid
by a disinterested party."

I know just the one.

That famous private detective.

What's his name?

Oh, the one who always
wears a trench coat? Naturally.

And a snap-brim hat?

Yes, it's... It's Sam, Sam!

It's a figure on a card.

Sam Heart? No, no.

Sam Club? No.

Sam Diamond? That's it!

I'm Sam Diamond.

Mr. Addams?

No, follow me.

Mr. Sam Diamond.

How do you do, Mr. Diamond?

I'm Mr. Addams and this
is my lovely wife, Morticia.

How do you do? Just
make yourself at home.

Home?

Look, if this is some kind
of a shady deal, forget it.

Nonsense. We're the victims.

Oh.

Who was it that got snatched?

Thing.

Thing?

What was his last name?

Thing.

Thing Thing?

What kind of a name is that?

It fits him perfectly.

That's true.

Signs himself, "Thing T. Thing."

And the "T" stands
for... Thing. Thing.

Uh, look, folks, kidnapping
is a little bit out of my line.

So if you'll excuse me...

Gomez, I do
believe he's our man.

The ransom note said
"a disinterested party."

He seems very disinterested.

Exactly.

I'll weigh up the ransom.

Uh, weigh up the ransom?

Oh, just a few precious stones.

Thing is worth
his weight in them,

even with his
thumb on the scale.

We'll pay your fee with
them, if you don't mind.

Oh, I'm sure Mr. Diamond
won't mind diamonds.

No, no, no, it... it
goes with the name.

Did somebody mention diamond?

What is that?

That's Uncle Fester. We need
him to open the safe for the ransom.

Mr. Diamond.

Well, let's get at it.

You mean you don't know the
combination to your own safe?

Of course. Uncle
Fester enjoys cracking it.

It turns a mundane
task into an adventure.

You know, Gomez, you're gonna have
to change the combination on that safe.

It's getting too easy.

I think next time I'll
have it wired with nitro.

Oh, boy, I'll get
a bang out of that!

Well, let's see
what we have here.

Well, I wondered
what I'd done with that.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, darling, this b*mb won't
go off for another six months yet.

I wish you wouldn't set them so far
in advance. We tend to lose interest.

Here we are.

A few samples from
our diamond mine.

All of our really fine stones
are cursed, of course.

Been in the Addams
family for generations.

All right, you're putting me
on with the rocks, aren't you?

I mean, they couldn't
possibly be real.

Au contraire.

Tish, there you go
with that French again.

I've warned you, I'm not
responsible for my actions

when you talk that way.

Darling, please,
we have a visitor.

Later.

Now, what's on your mind?

I'm not sure.

You did say you were going
to pay my fee in... in gems.

Oh, yes. Only too
happy to unload a few.

Now let's see.

$8,402!

I trust that's a
satisfactory fee.

Oh, sure, t-t-that'll be fine.

Now, what do I have to do?

Simply follow instructions.

"The cemetery at midnight"?

What could happen to me there?

Don't answer that.

I'll do it.

Certainly inspires
confidence, doesn't he?

I thought all the
dash and daring

of those private detectives in
the movies was an exaggeration.

Cara mia, don't be so naive.

The cinema is a
reflection of life.

Men like Sam Diamond are forceful,
fearless and absolutely infallible.

Diamond, old man! Back so soon?

Thought you'd tarry
to enjoy the moonlight.

We usually do when
we visit the cemetery.

Dear Gomez, he's
such a romantic.

But where's Thing?

Didn't you deliver the ransom?

As directed?

You put it on the last grave?

And then suddenly,
a hand, just a hand,

reached up and snatched it away.

A hand?

I knew you wouldn't believe
me, but it was a hand. A hand.

But we do believe you, old boy.

And it's wonderful.

Wonderful? You made
contact with Thing!

You mean that was Thing?

Dear, sweet, wonderful Thing.

Oh, here.

You... You take the f-fee.

Just let me get out of here.

Very sporting of him, wasn't it?

Handling the case for nothing.

I think we ought to
send him a nice present.

Yes.

One of your man-eating
plants, perhaps.

The practical gifts are best.

Well, Thing ought
to be along soon.

Yes.

Oh, Thing, I'm so
glad you're home.

Wait a minute.

Morticia, this whole
thing is a hoax.

What?

You sent us that ransom
note yourself, didn't you, Thing?

I thought the
handwriting was familiar.

What's the big idea, Thing?

Neglected...

Test us...

Wanted to see if we cared enough

to ransom him back.

Well, you got your answer.

And Sam Diamond
liked you so much

he wouldn't even accept a fee.

Some Things
get a little spoiled.

Well, darling, we have
been neglecting him of late.

Perhaps we should take him out.

Thing loves music.

Let's take him to a concert.

Splendid.

He can rattle along
on his castanets.

I'll call Lurch and have
him get the car ready.

You rang?

The car, Lurch.

And, oh, Lurch, we
have a surprise for you.

Aren't you going to let Thing
know that you're glad he's back?

There, Thing. That should
make you feel right at home again.

Thing.

Thing.

I brought you a little present

just to show you
there's no hard feelings.

A nail file.

For you.

Hey, Fingers,

just a little something to show
you that I don't hold grudges.

Gee, I was a beautiful baby.

Where are you going,
to a masquerade?

To a concert.

Boy, you sure look ridiculous.

Fester, it's plain to see you
have no sartorial savoir-faire.

I resent that.

Uncle Fester, now, dear, we
haven't got time for that right now.

Thing, we're ready.

Oh, dear Thing.

Now, Thing has
sartorial savoir-faire.

I'm glad, 'cause he
sure dresses funny.

Well, querida, we're off.

Tish, where will Thing ride?

Darling, where he always rides.

In the glove compartment.
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