01x26 - Morticia, the Breadwinner

[bunniefuu]

Here darling

Cleopatra don't gulp

Morticia

Did you see the paper this morning?
The bottom fell out of the stock market again

They really ought to fix that rickety old place
the bottom is always falling out of it

Oh, it's not the place,
it's the stock

And you know, Gomez could lose millions
in a good market, but boy

I bet he lost his shirt today

He has plenty of shirts.
It's his money I'm worried about

Calm down, Blooker

You've been my broker long enough to know
that a little market crash doesn't scare me

Why, my Consolidated Funds
climbed to 60 yesterday

Unfortunately I'd sold it
the day before

Blooker I just feel like buying a railroad.
A little surprise for my wife

We'd better find Gomez
and see if everything is all right

Thing

Would you finish feeding
Cleopatra, please, Thing?

That's good. Now
mind your manners, dear

Blooker, I know fortunes have been lost
speculating on railroads, but what's a fortune?

But Mr. Addams the people
I'm talking about went broke

Broke?

They're absolutely penniless,
wiped out

That's incredible, Blooker,
incredible

Broke you say?

Penniless?
Wiped out?

Ghastly, absolutely ghastly

Uncle Fester, this is shoking

It's worse than I thought

Oh the poor poor dear

Poor thing is right. They wiped him
out like a greasy skillet

It's hard to believe, Blooker

As a token of my sympathy,
write them a check for 100,000 dollars

And now get moving on that railroad

Oh, dear

Oh, thank you, Thing

And thank you Cleopatra

It's so nice to know you have friends
at a time like this

Morticia, what are we gonna
do for money?

I'm too proud to beg
and too lazy to work

Never mind, Uncle Fester
I'll think of something

It's Gomez I'm concerned about

The poor dear, he must never know
that we know

It would k*ll him

If his life insurance is paid up
that could be a solution

Uncle Fester!

Hello, Fester!
Ah, there you are my dear

I'm gonna be busy all day

If you want me for anything I'll be in the library
on my private line to my broker

Pawnbroker?
I know a fellow that will...

No, no. Stockbroker

Naturally, Uncle Fester

I'll buy up a little stock, nothing big,
just a few millions here or there

You know, a little pastime

Oh, that poor brave darling man

Did you see him? Laughing
in the face of disaster

It almost made me cry

Almost? It does make me cry

Buck up, Uncle Fester

I'll call the family together.
We'll handle this

Spend another million.
Just keep buying

Now, how much stock
do I have so far?

100,000 shares so far

Fine. Now, how much do I need
to control the company?

200,000

But Mr. Addams, what do you want with a
broken-down railroad like Big Swamp and Southern?

You'll never make any money with it

Make money? I've got money

What I'm looking for is excitement,
adventure

Adventure?

Now, frankly Blooker, I'm getting
a bit bored with my model trains

I'm just itching to get my hands on
a real railroad

Think what a wreck I could have
with those babies

Wreck?

What else?

Oh, we'd keep the people off

All right, now Blooker get moving

And Blooker, keep my name out of this.
I don't want Wall Street to know what I'm doing

We must think of ways
to make money

I know an easy way

Oh?

Print it

Uncle Fester, that's ilegal

It is?

I can get a job as a bunny girl

No. No, I don't like the hours

Besides that atmosphere!
You're much too sweet and innocent

How about... beaty expert?

Beauty expert

Yeah, you know, a hairstylist

That's perfect, mama

Now remember we must
keep this from Gomez

Just tell him it's a lark

Wednesday and I
are gonna pitch in too

We're gonna open a drink stand
on the sidewalk

Marvelous

What are you gonna do, mother?

I think I'll give fencing instructions
and tango lessons

I'm going to start an escort service.
Me and Lurch

You know, hire out for dates
like with... rich widows. Eh, Lurch?

I'm sure you'll be an instant success.
You're both such fascinating types

Look, mother!

Thing wants to help too

How sweet!
Thank you, Thing

I feel so good being my own boss.
I think I'll take the rest of the day off

Oh, it's almost perfect

But, do you think it could stand a little
dash of hemlock juice?

That's it. I knew it needed something

What a lovely sign!

We gonna paste a picture on it too

Oh, that's a marvelous attention getter

You children are going to be
fine little merchants

Uncle Fester, what are you doing?

Practicing for my escort service

You see, I figured I'll have all different
kinds of women for costumers

So I gotta be all different kinds
of men for them

Oh

Well, you know if they like Cary Grant
I'll be Cary Grant

Hello duck,
what are you doing today?

And if they like their Frank Sinatra
Well I'll be Frank Sinatra

Love is wonderful
the second time around

Uncle Fester,
I think that's a mistake

Yeah, I think I better get another song

No, no. What woman could possibly ask
for more than Uncle Fester himself?

Well, you got me there

Well well, what's going on?

I haven't seen so much activity since the night
I hid the hornets in Aunt Phobia's sleeping bag

Darling, this is something I'm doing
for the children

I think every child should know
the value of money

By george, you're right

Attention, children

Five pennies make a nickel,
two nickels make a dime

ten dimes make a dollar.
You got that?

Yes, father

Good. Now you know the value
of money

We're running a little low on cigars

You rang ?

Lurch, you better pick me up
another thousand cigars

The dollar size

Thank you

Well, back to the stock market.
Have fun everyone

Oh, that sweet darling man.
He's trying so hard not to let us know

A thousand dollars worth of cigars?
I'm not sure we can afford him

Oh look, Gladys, this must be
one of this gigolo places

Fifty dollars an hour?
Ooh, they must be absolutely dreamy!

See for yourselves, girls

What's the matter with them?

Flighty

Well, how's business, kids?

Pretty slow, sir

Gee, with a cute sign like that
you should be doing great

"Henbane on the rocks"

Boy, those trade names
get wackier every day

Let me have a tall one, son

Yes, sir

Well, always like to help out
the small businessman

Cheers

Would you like some more?

I'd like some help.
I'm gonna tell my lawyer about this

See? Satisfied costumers
always tell their friends

Oh my, why, I've tasted better
glue than this

Maybe we ought to sell glue
on the rocks

I bet mother is making
lots of money, though

En garde

And parry, thrust

Parry thrust

How are you doing, Morticia?
Are you teaching him anything?

Oh mama, I'm so disappointed.
I haven't had a pupil all day long

I'm pretty disgusted too.
I went to every beauty shop in town

Nothing

I'm very surprised.
Your talent is so obvious

Honey, it isn't what you know
it's who you know

That's true

Good man, Blooker.
Keep spending

My dear family, I'm afraid
we didn't make very much today

But Thing sold a pencil

Thank you, dear Thing

Just a nickel?
We made a quarter

That's wonderful, dear

But the man is going to sue us

Morticia

I guess I was high man for the day,
I made a dollar

Oh, uncle Fester, that's wonderful!
Your escort service must be catching on

Well, not exactly

A lady gave it to me when I popped up
from behind my sign

Said it cured her hiccups

Nothing like a fiery tango right after breakfast
to stir up the old hormones

It is exhilarating

Well, mind if I cut in?

Please do

This reminds me of the junior prom
my date looked just like Gomez

Well, I can't dance the day away

You got a job?

Fester! Don't be cruel

Sorry, slip of the tongue

Darling, you do have some financial
plans don't you?

Nothing important, my dear,
just a little amusement

Gomez

Do you have something to tell me?
After all, I am your wife

No need to remind me of that
cara mia

Morticia thought you'd like
to talk about money

Money? Why should I bother her pretty
head with a thing like that?

You're not well, Fester

Mail's in
I'll get it, my dear

Thank you, Thing

Ooh, the circular I sent for
from the yacht company

Thought I'd buy a yacht
and take us all in a world cruise

A cruise?

At a time like this?

I kinda think we could use
a change of scenery

The Dead Sea perhaps.
Some fun place

Ten o'clock, market is open.
See you later

That settles it. I'm going to sell
everything we own

I must get money for Gomez

You mean auction him off, huh?

Oh, you mean get money
to give Gomez?

Yes, dear

Now, you come upstairs with me and help me
get out the family jewels and treasures

Are you ready?

Ready

Uncle Fester, I do think we ought to
have gotten the combination from Gomez

Oh, it wasn't locked. I just like to keep
in practice on my safe-blowing

You do have a delicate touch

Oh dear, I dread to think of selling our
family's heirlooms and treasures

Cousin Crimp's glass eye

Those were the days
when men were men

Uncle Fester, look,
Pugsley's baby spoon

He always did have a strong bite

And not a bad bark either

What's that?

Oh, I had forgotten all about that

It was a gift for my 12th birthday
from grandpa Droop

Stock certificates

A hundred shares, Big Swamp
and Southern Railway

I read something about that
in the paper today

What did I do with today's paper?

Yeah, sure, there it is

Wall Street is intrigued by
a mystery financier

who is buying stock in the
Big Swap and Southern Railway

Uncle Fester, do you think
maybe he'd buy this?

Why don't we call a broker
and find out?

What' s the name of that outfit
that Gomez deals with?

Blaker, Blacker, Blooker?

Blooker and Company

Oh, but I don't wanna embarrass Gomez
by telling some stranger that we need money

Why don't we give him
a phony name?

Phony name?

Jones?

What kind of a name is that?

Smith?

Much better

What do you mean you can't find
any more stock, Blooker

I need only another hundred shares
to control the whole railroad

Mr. Addams, there isn't
a single share for sale

I've got men looking
all over the country

Well, have them looking
in the city too

Just a minute

Hello

Who?
Mrs. Smith?

What?

We certainly are interested in
buying your stock

I can pay you... $10,000?

Well, that's awfully nice of you

He's offering $10,000

Then ask for twenty

I'd like twenty

He'll pay twenty

Good, make it 30,000

I'm sorry but I'd...

Thirty thousand?

Crook!

Hello

Uncle Fester!

That always makes them
a little more anxious

Mrs. Smith?

Yes, Blooker

I found the hundred shares stock for you

Good man!
I knew you'd do it

But I lost it again

You lost it?
That's mighty careless, Blooker

Put an ad in the lost and found

Uncle Fester I'm worried

Big business.
You better play it cool

But hanging up on him

Yeah, maybe that was
a little too cool

I think I'd better
ask Gomez his advice

You can't tell him
what we are doing

Uncle Fester, you're not the only one
in this family who can be cool

But Blooker, what if she doesn't
call back? What then?

No problem.
I'll k*ll myself

Good thinking

Blooker if you do get that stock for me
I'll buy you the biggest thickest
juiciest camel hump steak in town

What do you have to say to that?

I'll k*ll myself

You've got a one-track mind,
Blooker. I like that

Tish, even when I speak french
it drives me wild

Darling, I wanna ask your advice

You know I'm trying to teach Pugsley
a little bit about business

A chip off the old block, that lad

Well, he decided to sell his flea collection
and a boy at school is offering him thirty thou...

thirty dollars for them

There's a simple rule, my dear

Never accept the nine first offers,
when they come up with number ten grab it

Take the tenth offer

It's known as Addams Law

Or "how to slit your competitor's throat
without getting blood on his necktie"

What a colorful phrase

It isn't for nothing they call
me The Plunger

- The men on Wall Street?
- The men in the plumbers union.

But Mr. Addams I've got my secretary
calling every Smith in the book

Just a minute

Hello

Mrs. Smith

It's Mrs. Smith, she called back

Good. Don't let her get away.
Offer her 50,000

Right

Mrs. Smith, I can offer you
50,000 dollars

Fifty thousand...

Buzzardfeed

I'm sorry, I'm afraid that's is only
your fourth offer. Please continue

She wants more

Make it sixty thousand

How about 60,000 dollars

- Well...
- Seventy thousand

Who is that?

I'm another customer
that's who is that

I wanna buy her stock myself.
I'll go eighty thousand

She's got another buyer

Great shades of Hades!
Run him out, bid his head off!

How about $100,000 ?

Isn't that sweet? Thing wants
go get on the bidding too

Two hundred?

I'm sorry Mr. Blooker,
I have a third bidder at $200,000

Wait a minute

Now look, I wanted to bid
300,000

350,000

400,000 Mr. Blooker

500,000

600,000

Let's see if you top that,
nimble knuckles

He can't go any higher,
that's all the fingers he's got

Oh, poor thing

Now I've gotta have that railroad, Blooker.
I just wrecked my last locomotive

Just a minute, Blooker

What is it, Thing?

You think I can get
the railroad for that?

Thank you, Thing

I'll make one more offer, Blooker.
One million dollars

I'll try

Mrs. Smith?

Mrs. Smith? This is my last final offer

One million dollars

It's his tenth offer!

- How much?
- What difference does it make?

Sold for $1 million

I can hardly wait to get my hands
on that railroad

Nice going, Booker

To show you my appreciation I'm gonna
send you a couple of freight cars

Gomez, darling!
Guess what I made today?

That fabulous bat broth of yours

No, a million dollars!

Oh. Well, I have some real news for you
I just bought a railroad

Oh darling, that's wonderful but

A railroad?

Big Swamp and Southern

When I blow those tracks
it'll be the wreck of the century

Oh, he bought a rail...

The Big Swamp...

He bought it

Addams here.
Hello, Blooker

You heard what?

The Big Swamp and Southern
sank into the big swamp?

Clear out of sight, eh?

Thanks for calling me

Oh, well.
Easy come, easy go

I do hope this shawl isn't too short
for cousin Crimp

Looks perfect.
And so does this

What's that dear?

I bought your stock querida,
I intend to pay for it

Oh, nonsense

Even though you're still wealthy
I refuse to accept it

It's a matter of honor, querida

There you are,
a check for one million dollars

First National Bank of Siberia?

Nice bunch.
Always pay in cold cash

Are you sure?

Come to think of it, we Addamses haven't
done any business with them since 1917

Things may have changed since then

Forget that check,
I'll write another

"Second Natinal Bank of Peking"

How could I ever have doubted
your financial genius?

Querida, we all make mistakes

Darling. Let's celebrate

Wine, Thing

Thank you, Thing

How convinient, instant wine

- Cara
- Darling