02x03 - Morticia's Romance: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(BELL RINGING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Missed.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

That's breathtaking.

My painting?

The thunder.

Your painting is
absolutely indescribable.

It is inspiring, working
between the flashes of lightning.

It does something
for one's eyes.

It gives your work character.

Evocative of the
great artists of the past.

Really darling? Like whom?

Well, Toulouse-Lautrec.

Mmm, no, this is a
much smaller canvas.

Whistler's Mother?

Darling, she never painted.

That's right, she was
too busy whistling.

Whee!

Pugsley, Wednesday,
why aren't you in bed?

I thought we put
you to bed hours ago.

We couldn't sleep.
It's so nice and gloomy.

This is the best storm
since lightning put

the short circuit
in Uncle Fester.

Remember all those red, white and
blue flashes coming from his head?

It was a beautiful
sight, wasn't it?

It was indeed lovely.

But this is no time for
sentimental reminiscences.

Come along children, I'm going
to read you a nice bedtime story.

But we don't want
a bedtime story.

But darling, I was going to
read one of your favorites,

dear Mr. Poe's m*rder
in the Rue Morgue.

Ah, Poe does have
a way with whimsy.

We'd rather hear
the rest of the story

about how you and
Father got married.

Oh, now, let's not go
into that old chestnut.

Gomez, darling, what a terrible way
to talk about our beautiful romance!

Darling, I'm not talking about our
beautiful romance, it's what led up to it.

Nonsense.

It's a true-to-life adventure and
the children should know all about it.

All right. Now come along.

Let's sit right down
here, and get comfortable.

Now, where were we?

You just talked French,
and Father just kissed you.

No, they were going
to sh**t each other

because Father had
promised to marry Aunt Ophelia.

Now then, plans for the
wedding were in full swing.

MORTICIA: Your Aunt Ophelia
was still trying to amuse your father.

I was just sitting there,
cutting out paper dolls.

(PLAYING LIGHT MUSIC)

(OPHELIA PLAYING VIOLIN)

OPHELIA: Faster, Lurch, faster.

(LURCH PLAYING
ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)

I told you, she's all talent.

And beauty.

(GROANING)

Isn't it wonderful, son?

(GASPS)

Well, that's all settled.

We can have the wedding
right here in the living room.

Well, it's not exactly the
main ballroom of the Ritz

(OPHELIA SINGING)
but I guess it'll do.

My Gomez and your Ophelia do
make a lovely couple, don't they?

(COUGHS)

Would you mind singing
some other song, please?

Kiss Me Again?

I can't, my lips are
chapped from all that vapor.

Oh, poor, poor laddie.

(GROANS)

A sudden change in altitude
is good for the sniffles.

I do hope your vaporizer won't
interfere with our honeymoon?

By george, it will.
Shall we call it off?

No.

Mater?

Fair, shy Gomez
doth seem reluctant.

Reluctant? He's
always at your feet.

Methinks he's trying
to weasel out of it.

Poor dear. He
must really be sick.

Well, the dowry
isn't settled yet.

Well, settle it, settle it.

Details bore me.

What are you two
whispering about?

Ophelia refuses to go
through with the ceremony,

unless Gomez puts his Brazil
nut plantation in her name.

Well, we already gave
you half his elephant herd.

Including the tusk rights.

I think it's a very
generous offer.

(GOMEZ COUGHING)

That's clever.

It's yours.

Oh.

How do you do that?

I don't know, it just
always comes out that way.

Morticia, this is your sister
Ophelia's wedding, not yours.

Yes, Mama.

Now how about coming
up with a decent dowry?

Not a nickel over 5,000.

Oh, come, come now,

you can do better than that.

That's an insult.

25,000.

Insult me some more.

50,000.

If we push the
ceremony up to 2:00.

What do you say, son?

(COUGHING)

He accepts.

Oh, fair Gomez, from now
on your vapor is my vapor.

Come child. You
need a wedding dress.

I know a seamstress that is
fast, cheap and fairly accurate.

You'll have to excuse me, I
have a wedding cake to bake.

We're alone.

Together.

Morticia.

Gomez.

Morticia.

Gomez.

May I call you Tish?

Of course.

I've waited for
this moment, Tish.

So have I.

Congratulations.

They shouldn't leave
us alone like this.

It's t*rture, madness,

and very bad
judgment on their part.

How can I marry
Ophelia when I love you?

What does Emily
Post say? Not a word.

It's not that your sister
isn't a nice girl... Sweet.

Muscular. An angel.

A doll. It's just that...
I can't stand her.

Why don't you tell her so?

Because I'm a weak,
sniveling coward.

Besides, I gave her my word.

But what does the word of a
weak, sniveling coward mean?

Means I'm going to
be married at 2:00.

(BOTH COUGHING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Uncle Fester.

Oh, how wonderful
to see you again.

Morticia, I wouldn't have
missed your wedding for anything.

Well, it's not me who's getting
married, Uncle Fester. It's Ophelia.

Ophelia?

What kind of a nut
did she finally snag?

That one.

Gomez, I'd like for you
to meet my Uncle Fester.

So you're the lucky
bridegroom, eh?

Bridegroom, yes. Lucky, no.

Uncle Fester, Gomez
and I are madly in love.

Then why don't
you two get hitched?

Ophelia's my sister.
I couldn't betray her.

Besides, it would
break her heart.

It's bad for the digestion.

All we have to do is
find her another man.

(ITT CHATTERING)

(GROANING)

Who's the little guy
talking to the servant?

That's my Cousin Itt.

He's the family intellectual.

The longhair of the family.

He looks it. Is he married?

Free as a tumbleweed.

He looks that, too.

He'd be a perfect
groom for Ophelia.

He'd never see
what he's getting into.

Oh, fair Gomez, I'm back.

You two run along and
leave the matchmaking to me.

Uncle Fester sh*t the arrow

that brought my mother
and father together.

The arrow and the g*n.

Leave it to me.

Uncle Fester, how sweet of
you to come to my wedding.

Biggest mistake since Uncle
Tic married Aunt Phobia.

But they were a perfect match.

(SCOFFS)

He had two left feet, and
she had two right ones.

It was a mere
physical attraction.

I love Gomez's soul.

For 50,000 fish, you're
entitled to a lot more than that.

Now, there's more your type.

That's Gomez's Cousin Itt.

I'll introduce you.

Cousin Itt, this is Ophelia.

(CHATTERING)

Charmed.

I love a mystery.

(CHATTERING)

Yes, she is direct.

Now, if you two kids are smart,

you'll get married before 2:00.

(CHATTERING)

Exactly 11:31.

(CHATTERING)

Flatterer.

He means it, too.

It isn't every girl he calls
a geekle-gackle-gookle.

Would you like to
pick some daisies?

(CHATTERING)

They have very deep roots.

Why don't you go
out in the garden?

They have some
lovely deadly nightshade

and some wonderful poison sumac.

Nay! I do not like poison sumac.

It will not grow on my head.

(CHATTERING)

Yes, perhaps I should
have my head examined.

They do have some lovely weeds.

Weeds?

Why didn't you
say so? Silly, silly.

Sorry, sorry.

Let's go, Cousin Itt.

Weeds are my favorite flowers.

(CHATTERING)

The seed has been planted.

The plot cannot fail.

(SQUISHING)

Oops! I forgot to tell
them about the quicksand.

A few minutes
under the hair dryer

and you'll be as good as new.

And you, couldn't you
see where you were going?

Of course. I fell in, didn't I?

Fine time to go
wading in quicksand.

You're supposed to
be getting married.

I'd be willing to postpone
it for a few years.

Oh, no, I'll jump right
into my wedding dress.

I like feeling damp.

♪ Prithee, why so pale
and wan, fond lover?

♪ Prithee, why so pale? ♪

That was my favorite
song, until just now.

Isn't that sweet? The
bridegroom's getting nervous.

Come on, we'd better
help the bride dress.

I haven't been this excited
since Aunt Trivia's funeral.

Uncle Fester, what happened?

I tried, but I guess Cousin
Itt just wasn't her type.

No accounting
for certain tastes.

She doesn't even
like poison sumac.

What do I do now?

If it'll make you
feel any better,

you can cry during the ceremony.

Well, that will make
me feel a little better.

(SNIFFING)

Oops! I forgot to
turn off the dryer.

Great Scott!

(CHATTERING)

What do I do?

Oh, a little stretch on the rack
and he'll be as good as new.

Couple more minutes under there,
he'd have disappeared completely.

Really?

Maybe I should try that dryer.

Well, he's not up
in the tower room.

He's not in the basement.

(CHATTERING)

I looked there.

(CHATTERING)

Cousin Itt, you shouldn't
have looked in the chimney.

One spark, and you'd
have gone up in flames.

Well, let's face it.
Your Gomez is gone,

and my Ophelia
is upstairs in tears.

Well, don't panic, he's
around here somewhere.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Lurch, have you
seen my son Gomez?

No, Mrs. Addams.

Where can that boy be?

The river?

Imagine, a jilted Frump.

We'll find him. Now all of you
spread out, and keep your eyes open.

You do the best you can.

(MAN LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(MAN LAUGHING)

(ECHOING) To
marry, or not to marry?

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous...

(ECHOING) Hello, there.

How did you find me?

I heard you calling.

That wasn't me, that
was Cousin Fungus.

I'd better turn off the echo.

Thing?

Is Cousin Fungus
coming to the wedding?

Oh, no, he doesn't get out much.

He's lived in a cave in back
of the tunnel for 30 years.

What exquisite taste.

Do you like it?

It's a divine tunnel.

Then stay here with me.

Just the two of us?

(FUNGUS LAUGHING)

No, the four of us.
Cousin Fungus and Thing.

We can play
four-handed solitaire.

You do paint a lovely picture.

But we can't. You
must think of Ophelia.

I did. That's why
I'm here in the tunnel.

Think of all the many romances
that started out a bit wobbly

and then worked out.

Think of Romeo and Juliet.

They d*ed.

Ah, but what fun they
had those last three days.

I suppose there's
nothing we can do.

Courage, mon ami.

You spoke French.

Gomez, now control yourself.

We don't want to give
Cousin Fungus the wrong idea.

Yes, yes.

Now come along.

Poor Ophelia's
crying her eyes out.

That might be an improvement.

Come on out, Gomez. You coward.

Come on, Gomez,
come out and get married.

Uncle Fester, I thought
you were our friend.

Oh, I am, but we can't
have a jilted Frump.

It'd be a stain on our
family escutcheon.

And our family escutcheon
is messy enough.

Why don't you just
tell Ophelia the truth?

Gomez is a weak,
sniveling coward. That's right.

Wouldn't you rather be a
strong, masterful he-man?

Too dangerous.

It doesn't have to be.

Not if you go about it right.

Why don't we try it?

Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia.

You're kind, sensitive,
quiet and understanding.

She certainly has changed.

And you are the new Gomez.

You're decisive,
direct and definite.

I'm afraid.

That's pretty definite.

Thank you.

Uncle Fester, you're Ophelia,

you're here, playing
with your lyre.

Gee! I didn't know I
could play this thing.

Uncle Fester.

Now, Gomez, put
these things down.

There.

Now, don't be frightened.

Go in there and talk to her.

Ophelia, I don't
want to marry you.

Gee, thanks.

Oh, no, no, no!

Uh, thank you very much?

No, Uncle Fester,

you have to put
up more resistance.

Oh, gotcha.

Now. Come on.

Go again.

Ophelia, I won't marry you.

What!

Uncle Fester! I'll
sh**t you this time!

I was just fooling.

Let go of me, I'll
sh**t him in the back!

Uncle Fester, no, no.

Just fooling.

Dear, this isn't
working out at all.

I know, I'll play Ophelia.

Ah, shucks! That isn't fair.

Well, you can play my mother.

All right.

(SINGING)

Ophelia, your
voice needs tuning.

It's that just that I'm so
excited about my nuptials.

Ah, here comes my betrothed now.

Here comes my betrothed now.

Ophelia, I...

All right, son,
speak up, speak up.

Mrs. Frump, I'm afraid I
can't marry your daughter.

What!

I'll sh**t him in
the... Uncle Fester...

Mother, please.

Let the dear boy speak his mind.

You were saying?

I was saying, there
is only one person

in the whole world
I could ever marry,

and that one person is...

Who? You.

Gomez. Morticia.

Gomez. Morticia.

Gomez.

Morticia.

It's beautiful.

Hey, we better hurry, that
minister charges by the hour.

Come on.

Coming, coming.

(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)

Aren't you glad you
decided to go through with it?

(BONES SNAPPING) Delighted.

My, doesn't she look lovely?

A real Frump.

Great Scott! Who is that?

Well, that's just Morticia,
with her hair all combed out.

Sloppy kid.

A lovely child has become
a breathtaking woman.

Ophelia?

Morticia. Who?

Ophelia.

There is a customary
question I have to ask.

Does anyone object to
this ceremony taking place?

Yes.

Who? GOMEZ: Me.

I... I know this will come
as a shock to you, Ophelia,

but I... I must
tell you the truth.

I'm... I'm unworthy of you.

Really?

I'm... I'm sheltered,
I'm spoiled, cowardly.

That's true.

Not only that, I'm...

I'm irascible and
unpleasant and stupid.

That's true, too.

I... I... I have some
endearing qualities.

Like what?

Well...

I'm rich.

That's a very nice quality.

Thank you.

But you're still unworthy.

Besides, I think I've
already found my true love.

My D'Artagnan, my Don Quixote,
my knight in shining armor.

Sounds like me.

But I'm her uncle.

I couldn't bring myself to hurt
you, Gomez, shatter your dreams.

But since you've confessed
your unworthiness,

you leave me no alternative.

Phew!

Come, my love.

(CHATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I might remind you
that, as the saying goes,

I get paid whether the ball
game's rained out or not.

Fear not, a wedding
will be held here this day.

He's looking this way.

Do you think he means me?

The woman for
me is that graceful,

elegant creature
standing over there.

He does mean me!

Querida.

Will you marry me?

I thought you'd never ask.

(LURCH PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

Oh, your hair...

That dress, it drives me wild.

I'll never wear another.

Cara.

Do you really want
to marry this man?

I certainly do.

But you've only
known him a few days.

What better way
to get acquainted?

Right.

Friends, we're
going to try it again.

We're going to proceed with the
marriage of Gomez Addams and...

What's your name, child?

Morticia Frump.

My favorite Frump.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

That's how your
father and I got married.

Did you like the story?

Yes, it was so romantic.

Pugsley?

All romances are a little goofy.

Did Aunt Ophelia
marry Cousin Itt?

No, I'm afraid it was just
a summertime romance.

Cousin Itt turned out to
be too much of a playboy.

I'd like to hear
more about that.

It's much too stimulating
this time of night.

Now you run upstairs
and pop into bed,

while you can still enjoy
this lovely thunderstorm.

Run along. Go on.

Perhaps we should go upstairs
and enjoy the thunderstorm.

Oh, darling, I can't.

I have to finish my painting.

Querida, must you paint tonight?

I want to capture this
wonderful lightning.

Gomez, darling,
look. I've captured it.

Oh, yes.