02x06 - Cousin Itt's Problem

[bunniefuu]

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

(GOMEZ EXCLAIMING)

Nice try, Gomez darling.

Too good for you, huh, Lurch?

(GOMEZ GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Darling, I don't think you
ought to tire Lurch out.

You know how delicate he is.

You may be right, my dear.

He does look a bit spent.

Well, Lurch. You
had enough? Give up?

(GROANING)

Better luck next time, old man.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Gomez, darling,
you were so masterful.

Gracias, querida. Gracias.

Ooh, delicious, like
the nectar of saki.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Mail's in.

Yes, Thing. What is it?

Oh, something at the door?

Oh, it's my surprise
for Cousin Itt.

It's breathing.

Hey, is that for me?

No, Uncle Fester. This is a
welcome-home surprise for Cousin Itt.

Itt? I thought he was
in the South Seas.

He was, diving for sponges.

Very successfully, too.

The sponges thought
he was one of them.

Give me a hand, Fester. We have to
get things ready for Cousin Itt's party.

Now that's what I like.

A package that delivers itself.

Cousin Itt, are you sure
your eyes are closed?

(CHATTERING)

Good. All right, Lurch.

Now you can open
your eyes, Cousin Itt.

(EXCLAIMS)

(CHATTERING)

I knew you'd like it, old man.

It's so you.

(CHATTERING)

They look like brothers.

They do have a lot in common.

What are you gonna
name him, Cousin Itt?

(CHATTERING)

Which is the front end of...

(IMITATING COUSIN ITT)

(CHATTERING)

Oh, now I see.

Mother, I'm hungry. Can
we cut Cousin Itt's cake now?

Of course, darling. I
almost forgot about it.

Cousin Itt, would
you do the honors?

(CHATTERING)

Oh, of course. Lurch,
we'll need a chair.

(CHATTERING)

You're welcome.

All right, now,
Cousin. Make a wish.

I've heard of rock
candy, but rock cake?

Better try it again, dear.

Oh, boy!

Oh, that's my favorite,
cauliflower meringue.

(LURCH GROANING)

What is it, Lurch?
Is something wrong?

Hair.

Mother, look, there's
hair on the chair, too.

Cousin Itt, you're
losing your hair.

(CHATTERING)

He's right. Without
his hair, what is he?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

(CHATTERING)

No, no, no. Now,
we will not have

any of that
do-it-away-with-yourself talk.

That is, of course, unless
we can't find a cure for you.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm an old hand
at curing baldness.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(CHATTERING)

Cousin Itt, you're
not leaving us?

(CHATTERING)

But you must give
Uncle Fester a chance.

(CHATTERING)

But you're still
very attractive.

(CHATTERING)

Wouldn't a little vacation
be a lot more sensible?

Now, Gomez and I have decided
to give you a little extra money,

say, $10,000.

You could have
yourself a real fling.

(CHATTERING)

Give it to charity?

Just as you say,
but please stay.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, I promise. We'd
never call you Baldy.

(CHATTERING)

Dear, sweet, kind Cousin Itt.

You know, a person
could really talk to you.

Oh, that's beautiful,
my dear. It's beautiful.

What is it?

It's a sweater for Cousin Itt.

If he's going to lose his hair,

he has to have something
to keep himself warm.

Did the money cheer him up?

He asked me to give it to the
Society for the Prevention of Baldness.

Never heard of it.

Neither have I.

But I asked Mrs.
Dragwater to come over.

She's the head of
the welfare society.

She'll see that it gets
into the proper hands.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Dear, would that be
Mrs. Dragwater already?

Good...

Good afternoon. I have
a package here, sir.

Could you get somebody
to sign it for me, please?

Follow me.

I didn't order
anything, did you?

Perhaps it's for Cousin Itt.

Is that my package?

Oh, yes, it is. It's my
new chemistry set.

I'm working on something
to save Cousin Itt's hair.

Well, will you sign for it?

Oh. Thing, take care of that.

Thanks.

Now, a little electricity.

(BUZZING)

(MACHINE HUMMING)

Well, what do we have here?

(EXCLAIMS)

I've done it!

(SCATTING)

Fester, you've done it!

The first nonskid banana peel.

Darling, I don't remember Aunt
Anemia having a beard and a moustache.

A beard, maybe,
but not a moustache.

It is becoming.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Ah, mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

Thing, what's all this hair?

Gomez, come here and look, dear.

Mmm.

Curious.

First, Aunt Anemia,

now this box.

This looks like a job
for Sherlock Addams.

Thank you.

A-ha!

More hair.

Darling Gomez, you're so clever.

Elementary, cara
mia, elementary.

Singular. MORTICIA: Very.

A doorknob with a Beatle hairdo.

Well, what do you think?

Uncle Fester, I hardly knew you.

You're a knockout.

I made it with my
new chemistry set.

Have you tried the
formula on Cousin Itt?

Well, don't you think that one
handsome devil in the family is enough?

Uncle Fester.

Well, okay.

Cousin Itt!

It's true. Blondes
do have more fun.

Eureka!

(EXCLAIMS)

Ole!

(CHATTERING)

Certainly, Cousin Itt.

Take a look.

(CHATTERING)

By george, you do
look like a haystack.

(CHATTERING)

But you should be flattered.

Gomez doesn't hand out
compliments like that to just everyone.

And congratulations
to you, Uncle Fester.

Well, thank you, Morticia.

You know, this could be the
start of a whole new career for me.

I could get a job at the zoo,
growing hair on bald eagles.

Oh, dear, that reminds me.

That woman from the welfare
society should be here any moment.

Woman? Is she cute?

I don't know, but
she is a divorcee.

Oh, groovy.

Carinita, we'll turn over the
money to her for openers,

and throw in Uncle Fester's
discovery as a little bonus.

Excellent idea, darling.

Oh, Gomez, would you make
the cocktails? You do them so well.

It's that extra
sprig of henbane.

(CHATTERING)

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?

Boy! Am I that handsome?

Wow!

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

LURCH: Yes.

Mrs. Dragwater to
see Mrs. Addams.

Follow me.

Mrs. Dragwater.

Oh, Mrs. Dragwater,
so good of you to come.

My pleasure.

My husband's upstairs napping.

Won't you sit down?

I think I'd better.

Would you care for a cocktail?

I think I'd better.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Cocktails, please, Lurch.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

Thank you, Lurch. You may go.

Delicious, isn't it?

It's my husband's
piece de resistance.

Creme de la toadstool.

GOMEZ: Querida!

Tish!

You spoke French.

Darling, later, later.

Mrs. Dragwater and I
have a lot to discuss.

Oh.

Pardon me.

So, now, where were we?

Well, first, I
ought to tell you,

the welfare board
supports a lot of charities.

But we don't exactly have a Society
for the Prevention of Baldness.

However...

(TAPPING)

Well, now, who's
our charming guest?

Mrs. Dragwater, this
is my Uncle Fester.

How do you do?

Oh, excuse me.

Well, haven't we met before?

Such a delicate little hand.

And tasty, too.

Mrs. Addams, your...
your uncle is so droll.

Yes, he does have that
Continental manner, doesn't he?

With a beauty like you,
who could be otherwise?

(GIGGLING) Now, really.

I know that Emily Post
says to wait one week,

but how about you and
me stepping out tonight?

Skateboarding, water
polo, a drive-in movie...

that's closed.

Well... It's a date.

I'll borrow Mama's
motor scooter.

You are a forceful one.

Oh, experience, experience.

Well, I think I'll go up
and pomade my hair.

If anybody wants
me, I'll be in my room.

Tonight at 8:00.

Mrs...

Mrs. Dragwater?

Yes?

(ITT CHATTERING)

Mrs. Dragwater?

Ready? Ready.

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Do it again.

(EXCLAIMS)

Querida, you have such
a gentle, healing touch.

Was Mrs. Dragwater
pleased with our offer?

Well, I don't know.

There she was,
smiling and pleasant,

and then all of a
sudden, there she wasn't.

(BONES CRUNCHING)

Those social workers
have to keep on the move.

Morticia, look.

Oh, darling, she's lost
her beard and moustache.

Too bad. I liked
her better that way.

Gomez, the turtle.

Great Scott!

(ITT CHATTERING)

Did you hear that?

Cousin Itt. Cousin Itt.

Cousin Itt, what happened?

(BARKING)

Gad, even your
voice has changed!

(CHATTERING)

Oh.

Excuse me, old man.

Itt, what happened?

Have you lost your
lovely new hair?

(CHATTERING)

You mean, Uncle Fester's
lotion was only temporary?

(CHATTERING)

You weren't losing your hair?

(CHATTERING)

By george, Morticia.
Cousin Itt's right.

It was the dog.

(WHIMPERING)

That's terrible.

Who ever heard of a bald dog?

Don't worry, dear. If
worse comes to worse,

we'll get you a toupee.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Uncle Fester
lost his hair again.

How is he taking it?

(GROANING)

Good old Fester,
tower of strength.

Lurch, look out
here, will you please...

Fester. Watch out for that beam.

Now, he tells me.

Uncle Fester, did
you hurt yourself?

Oh, just my head.

This room is a deathtrap!

But it does give you a
sense of togetherness.

(CHATTERING)

Did I really lose my hair?

Well, I didn't misplace it.

Uncle Fester.

All you have to do is give
yourself another treatment.

It'll only work once.

And my head is immune to it.

I'm gonna sh**t myself.

Come, come, Fester.
Pull yourself together.

Thanks, Gomez. I needed that.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(DOG BARKING)

Phone's ringing.

MORTICIA: Lurch,
answer the phone, please.

The phone! Where's the phone?

Maybe it's under the bed.

(CHATTERING)

FESTER: Oh, stop that
bongo playing, will you?

We're looking for the phone.

I think he means
it's under the drum.

Oh, yes.

Hello, Addams residence.

Yes, just a moment.

It's for you, Uncle
Fester. Mrs. Dragwater.

I'm gonna sh**t myself.

You better talk to her first.

Not without my hair.

I'm not in. I'm not in!

Mrs. Dragwater,

Uncle Fester is out.
I'll take a message.

Yes.

Yes. Oh, of course.

Really?

Yes, I will. Thank you. Goodbye.

I know she called the date off.

Now, now, Uncle Fester,
she merely called to explain

that she was afraid
sooner or later

she'd lose a Don Juan like
you to some other woman.

Did she call me a Don Juan?

What else, you sly old fox?

Oh, how true.

Mrs. Dragwater
averted heartbreak

by going back to her husband.

Her husband? Rover T. Dragwater?

I know him.

He's fat, bald, and has
a high, squeaky voice.

Well, if that's her taste...

So it all worked
out for the best.

Let's celebrate.

No, I'm too broken up.

Even for a midnight picnic?

In the swamp?

Afterwards, if we have time,
we could go moonbathing.

Moonbathing!

Well, what are we waiting for?

Everybody watch that beam.

And the door.

(BARKS)

Ah, what a perfect
night for moonbathing.

By george, what
a beautiful moon.

Not a sign of life.

Nothing but solid rock.

Gomez, that's
Uncle Fester's head.

It is?

What's it doing up in the sky?

Gomez!

Oh, pardon.

No wonder it looked like a rock.

This spray is no good.

It doesn't attract any insects.

Don't worry, Cousin Itt
will bring them around.

(CHATTERING)

Hey, Itt, you're doing pretty
good with that balancing act.

He should. He's been taking
lessons from Pugsley's seal.

It pays.

Glad you got over your
hair problem, Cousin Itt.

I'm sorry your dog still has it.

Dog? Oh, that
reminds me, Cousin Itt.

Where is your dog?

(CHATTERING)

Your dog eloped?

With Mrs. Dragwater?

(CHATTERING)

Oh, with her dog.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, isn't that lovely?

Eloped with a Mexican hairless.