02x07 - Halloween - Addams Style

[bunniefuu]

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

There, darling, I think
it's sharp enough now.

Lovely, Morticia, querida mia.

Hurry up, Gomez.

Are you getting
tired, Uncle Fester?

No. I like to pose,
it's so artistic.

Good. I want to
get the inner you.

Not with that!

That's just for carving.

That's what I'm afraid of!

(LAUGHS)

Not for carving you,
for carving your likeness.

Oh.

Let's have the real, the
true, the unadorned you.

Beautiful.

Now, for immortality.

Don't move, don't
look, don't even breathe.

Don't worry... Don't.

That's it. Hold it.

By Jove, I think I've done it.

Why, Gomez,

you're the Michelangelo
of Halloween pumpkins.

How do you like it so far?

Darling, you have
the soul of an artist,

and the touch of a surgeon.

MORTICIA: And now for
the Halloween festivities.

Are you both ready?

GOMEZ: Ready on the right.

FESTER: Ready on the left.

Good. Now, when I count
three and fire the p*stol,

it's every man for
himself. All right?

One, two, three!

(g*n FIRES)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Remember, the first one
to get an apple in his mouth

wins the Halloween prize.

(FESTER AND GOMEZ GRUNTING)

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Oh, dear. There's the doorbell.

I'll get it.

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GURGLING)

Uncle Fester, I can't
understand a word you're saying.

What I was trying to
say was I was drowning!

Well, it was worth
it. You won the prize.

Oh, goody! What do I get?

This.

What kind of a prize is that?

Well, I had planned
it for Gomez.

I did so think he
was going to win.

It was just Pugsley
and Wednesday

rehearsing their
trick-or-treat approach.

Oh, dear. They're already
out there with their little bags,

and we have nothing
for the other children.

Oh, I could give them
each a walrus tusk.

But darling, it's Halloween.

Two walrus tusks?

No, no, no, dear.
They want little goodies.

Oh.

Perfect!

Bite-sized salamander
sandwiches.

Mmm-hmm.

Make a couple of hundred, Lurch.

We're going to have a lot
of trick-or-treaters tonight.

(GROANING)

Mama, how's the
porcupine taffy coming?

About done.

Just have to add
a few more quills.

And the punch, Uncle Fester?

There she blows!

Ah, well, we're almost ready
for the little trick-or-treaters.

When's the last time any
of them came to our house?

Eight years ago, but
I do want to be ready.

Why, Wednesday, I didn't
expect you until the morning.

Nobody home in the neighborhood?

I told her to wear
a nice ghost getup.

You probably scared people to
death with that horrible costume.

I didn't scare anyone.

Pugsley's still out trying.

What's wrong? Didn't
you have a good time?

I had lots of fun.

Oh, darling. What's this?

Tears on our very own holiday?

Why, all those nice witches
and goblins flying around.

That's just it.

They told us there
weren't any witches.

What?

What fiend uttered
that vile canard?

Mr. Thompson, across the street.

What a terrible
thing to tell a child.

He should be horsewhipped.

If I were a horse, I'd whip him.

Well, I guess I'd
better go up to bed.

If you can't believe in witches,
what can you believe in?

Oh, Gomez.

Poor little Wednesday.

One careless remark and
the child's ideals are crushed.

Gomez, I think you ought
to call that Mr. Thompson

and tell him just what
his lies have done.

Excellent idea.

I still think he ought
to be horsewhipped.

I'll get a horse.

Uncle Fester, you do not
make friends by whipping people.

You're right, my dear. We must
be civilized about these things.

I'll reason with him.

Thompson, you lying scoundrel!

What are these vile canards that
you've been telling my children?

(THOMPSON CHATTERING ON PHONE)

What is he saying, dear?

He doesn't know what
a "vile canard" means.

How uncouth!

Well, Thompson, what I mean is,

what's the big idea of telling
my children there are no witches?

Really?

You don't say.

Well, that's an
interesting point of view.

Goodbye.

Well, darling, did he apologize?

Not exactly. He called me a nut.

Morticia, there are
witches, aren't there?

Oh, of course
there are, darling.

Remember our
Great-Great-Great-Aunt Singe?

She was b*rned at Salem.

Come here, dear.

These are her ashes.

That's Aunt Singe, all right.

She still looks
pretty good, too.

Well, that settles it. We
can't take this lying down.

We have to prove to that
little girl that witches do exist.

If we could only get
one witch to sit down

and explain things to her.

Cara mia, that's a big order.

Where can we find
a witch like that?

In the classifieds.

Right, just look under "W".

No witches?

Maybe their telephone
numbers are unlisted.

Oh, look here, darling. Look.

Querida, that's witch hazel.

Oh, so it is.

Well, perhaps we'd
better advertise.

Good thinking.

"Witch wanted, no
questions asked."

It won't work. Why not?

Want ads closed two hours ago.

Gomez, I have a
truly inspirational idea.

A second honeymoon? No, darling.

If we want a witch, why don't
we call on our own Aunt Singe?

Won't that be a
bit inconvenient?

In the spirit, darling.
We'll hold a seance.

FESTER: Oh, I love seances.

Last time I talked to my
dear departed brother, Clump.

Did he answer?

No, that's how I knew it was my
brother, Clump. He was a quiet one.

Then it's all settled. We'll
hold a seance tonight,

and throw ourselves
on Aunt Singe's mercy.

GOMEZ: You think she'll answer?

Well, of course!

What right-thinking witch would
turn down a child on Halloween?

(WHISTLES)

(PLATE SHATTERING)

I always forget I frighten you.

On Halloween.

Sorry. Forgive me, Thing.

Lurch, this is an emergency.

What are you doing tonight?

The movies.

Alone?

With Thing.

Forget it.

Tonight, you've got to
stay here and help me.

(GROANING)

Well, you've got to. Imagine
that Morticia and Gomez,

thinking they can get a witch
to pop up on an hour's notice.

Especially on Halloween,
the busiest night in the year.

Do you do realize how
disappointed those children will be?

(GROANING)

I'm glad you feel
that way, Lurch. So...

Tonight, you are a witch.

Well, now, we're almost ready.

Oh, dear, did you alert
Cousin Cackle in his cave?

He's on his way over, darling.

Cousin Cackle.

Good of you to come, Cousin.

(CACKLING)

Same old gabby Cackle!

Oh, Cousin Cackle, how
good to hear your voice.

You know, since you
moved out to the cave,

the attic just hasn't
been the same.

Why, of course,
you may sit down.

Right over here, Cousin.

Sit down and make
yourself comfortable.

Now, let's see. Are we all here?

Oh, yes, all except Pugsley.

He's still out
tricking and treating.

Oh, why, of course, Thing, we
wouldn't dream of starting without you.

At a seance, every hand counts!

Now, we shall try to
contact Aunt Singe.

Lurch!

MORTICIA: Thank you, Lurch.

We'll need a serpent's tooth.

Coming up.

(POPPING)

It was loose anyway.

Thank you, darling.

Now...

Now, we should really
have the jawbone of an ass.

Don't look at me.

Jawbone.

Oh, thank you, Lurch.

You think of everything.

MORTICIA: Now, please put out
the lights and bring me a candle.

Thank you, Lurch. You may go.

Now, everybody hold
hands and concentrate.

O noble spirits in
your lofty sphere,

look down upon
this small ensemble.

Ensemble. That's French.

Darling, please!

I was trying to
contact Aunt Singe.

Oh.

Sorry, Aunty.

Take hands again
and concentrate.

Oh, fire of Salem.

Oh, flame of Satan.

Come in, Aunt Singe,
we're all awaitin'.

Come in, Aunt Singe.

Come in, Aunt Singe.

Please come in.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED
VOICE) You called.

By george, she answered!

(GOMEZ LAUGHS)

She may be cinders,
but she's a lady.

Hey, how do we really
know it is Aunt Singe?

Of course it's
her. I'll show you.

Hello, out there.

If that's you, Aunt Singe, knock
three times and whistle twice.

If it isn't, whistle
once and knock twice.

Wait, you'd better make that

four knocks and two whistles,

if you are

and one short whistle
and three long knocks,

if you're not.

LURCH: This is Aunt Singe.

There.

Aunt Singe, would you please
say something to Wednesday?

Hello, Wednesday.

Please, come see us.

Please! Just once.

Well...

All right.

Oh, goody! We'll
wait up for you.

Morticia, you've done it.

How could she resist
such a loving invitation?

(GONG RESOUNDING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You...

You rang?

Yes, Lurch.

Put some hot coals
in the guest room.

Aunt Singe is coming.

Welcome, Aunt Singe! Oh, cara.

I hope Aunt Singe
likes children.

Oh, all witches love children.

Remember Hansel and Gretel?

They almost wound up in an oven,

but until then, that old witch
couldn't have been nicer.

Couldn't possibly.

And then she
wound up in the oven.

(SIGHING) Some children
are so unappreciative.

MORTICIA: I hope Aunt Singe
doesn't disappoint Wednesday.

I asked you to be a voice,

not make a personal appearance.

Now where am I
gonna find a witch?

Hiring hall?

I guess I'll just have to go out
and see what's flying around.

Darling, am I disturbing
your thoughts?

No, querida, that's
my favorite song.

(SINGING)

Gomez.

I was playing It's a Long,
Long Way to Tipperary.

Oh.

Well, then that's
my favorite song.

You are an angel.

And a worried one.

What if Aunt Singe
doesn't appear tonight?

Little Wednesday
will be heartbroken.

Oh, dear, that's true.

Maybe we should buy
her a nice gift, just in case.

Capital idea. What will it be?

Well, you know how
fond children are of pets.

A new pet, perfect.

I'll have Lurch get my hat.

I think the bell's out of order.

No problem.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

My hat and cane, Lurch.

Thank you.

Problem is solved.

(SIGHING) Such dash, such style,

such savoir-faire.

Tish, you spoke French.

Darling, please! The pet.

Ah, yes.

I'll be back in half
an hour on this watch.

20 minutes on this one.

(SINGING)

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes, Lurch, what is it?

Mr. Addams.

Back so soon?

Wants you to close your eyes.

Ah, yes. A surprise.

Dear Wednesday
will be so thrilled.

GOMEZ: Very well, my
love. Open your eyes.

Gomez! What a lovely gift.

A yak.

Darling, that's a horse.

It is?

There is a resemblance.

Resemblance? Look
at these blue ribbons.

Oh, he won them?

I bought them.

Thought they'd look nice on him.

They will, darling, they will.

Now, let's see, what
shall we name him?

How about...

Fido?

Fido? For a horse?

Rover? Much better.

Ever see such
lines on an animal?

Never.

He's highly trained, too.

Watch.

All right, now, Rover.

Ten-hut!

Ever see a quicker,
more intelligent animal?

He's almost human.

He counts, too. Watch.

All right, Rover,
how many fingers?

He hates to show off.

I'll make it a little
easier for you.

How many now?

By george, he guessed it.

Well, Aunt Singe.

Uncle Fester, does
that look like Aunt Singe?

You mean, it isn't?

It's a horse.

Are you sure?

GOMEZ: Not only a beautiful
animal, but smart, too.

He can count to ten.

(SCOFFS)

Big deal. I can count to 20.

The horse didn't go to school.

Neither did I.

Good point.

Oh, hello, Wednesday darling.

Come and see the new pet we
have for you. Do you like him?

He's very nice,

but I'd rather have a spider.

A spider or a horse,
darling, what's the difference?

But I'd rather have a spider.

All right, a spider it is.

A beautiful black widow spider.

Back goes Rover. Sorry, old man.

No! I'll take him,

and if I hear any
more subversive talk

from our neighbor,
Thompson... Horsewhip!

Come on, Rover.

It's your turn,
dear. Here's the list.

You and your silly friends and
their silly Halloween scavenger hunt.

But, Penelope, it's all
part of the Halloween fun.

Fun, my foot.

But at least it got
us out of the house,

so I didn't have to face those
pesky little trick-or-treaters.

Darling, you look just fine
in your witch's costume.

It fits you perfectly. What?

I mean the size is right.

How much longer do you
intend to keep up this nonsense?

Just till we get the
three last items.

Now, you try this house,
and I'll try the next one.

Halloween!

The ridiculous things
people do on Halloween!

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Look, I'm... I know.
Mama sent you.

Nobody sent me.

(GROANING)

Then you must be...

Follow me.

Visitor from spirit world.

By george, you made it.

Welcome to our
humble, earthly abode.

Well, have you people
been on a scavenger hunt.

Could you spare a few things?

I've got to find three items.

Would you have a
Louisville bat, black?

Gomez, darling, do they
come in any other colors?

From Louisville, I don't know.

But we can get you some
hometown black bats from the attic.

Good evening, Aunt Singe.

Aunt Singe?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You must have mistaken
me for someone else.

Oh, no, no, no, we didn't.

That's an Addams
face if I ever saw one.

Look at that chin, dear.

Flabby, weak, receding.

Beautiful.

Oh, Aunty, and here's a broom,

and if you could do a few
quick turns around the room,

I'm sure Wednesday
would appreciate it.

Turns?

The bats.

Live bats!

(BUZZING)

Why didn't somebody tell
me Aunt Singe was here?

I was just catching a
little snooze, up in my tree.

Did you say up in your...
(KITTY GROWLING)

Oh, isn't that sweet.

Even Kitty cat's come
down to welcome you.

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

The emotional reunion must
have been too much for her.

(CACKLING)

(SCREAMS)

Well, that's the way
it goes on Halloween.

You have to keep on the move.

Oh, I'm so glad she
kept her promise,

and I'm very happy
she's using our broom.

Listen everybody,
I've got bad news.

Aunt Singe isn't coming.

Oh? Isn't coming?

No, I just left her, and she
said to tell you she's sorry,

but on account of the
big Halloween rush...

But, Mama, Aunt
Singe was just here.

She was?

Oh, yes, and
whatever she told you

about the holiday
rush is quite true.

Why, she flew
right out the window.

Yes, she even forgot her hat.

Beautiful.

(GRUNTING)

We ought to do this every day!

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Oh, dear, there's the doorbell.

I'll get it.

(GURGLING)

What is it, darling?

It's a note from our
neighbor, Mr. Thompson.

Oh, what does he say?

Well, he says he apologizes
for calling me a nut.

He's now convinced
there are witches,

and in fact he's
threatening to call the police

unless we get that
witch off our roof.

There's a witch on our roof?

What's up? There's
a witch on our roof.

Oh, there's nothing of the kind.

How do you know?

I was just up there.