02x20 - Ophelia Finds Romance

[bunniefuu]

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

No! No.

How's the market, dear?

Closed. I just do this to keep in practice.

Very sensible. If there's another crash,
you'll be ready for it.

Well, I was ready for that one.

Pugsley's new chemistry set.

He's making a different kind of TNT.

Those educational toys
certainly keep a boy out of mischief.

Wish I could say the same
for Uncle Fester.

I caught him cheating at checkers.

Inexcusable!

Unless he was playing for money.

Well, time for my Zen-Yogi.

I really had to discipline him.
He's forbidden to leave the house all day.

Thank heavens.

There for a moment
I thought he was going to leave.

The mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

- Bill?
- It's from my sister, Ophelia.

Why would she send us a bill?

Darling, it's not a bill.

The poor dear's in trouble,
and she needs our help desperately.

What's the problem?

She was too upset to say.

Who could that be?

It may not be a who. It may be a what.

- Dreamer.
- Telegram.

Thank you very much, Lurch.

Oh, it's from Ophelia.

Didn't wait very long for an answer.
What's it say?

"Help."

Sounds like an excited caller.

Either that or the doorbell's stuck.

Miss Ophelia.

Ophelia! We haven't heard from you
in nearly two minutes.

Dear Ophelia!

Unburden yourself, darling.
Tell us everything.

Aren't you gonna tell us
about your trouble?

Trouble? What trouble?

Oh, that trouble.

My life is ruined.

- Sounds kind of serious.
- A man?

Brilliant, charming, cultured.

- Rich!
- Alive?

Yes, I'm almost sure he was alive.

My mother objects.

Granny Frump? Egad, she must be sick.

Why?

She says if he's in love with me,
there must be something wrong with him.

That's a point.

Nonsense. You're a lovely, intelligent girl,
and we're going to help you.

She certainly needs help.

The first thing we should do
is meet your intended.

When can we see him?

This is my beloved.

Horatio Bartholomew, at your service.

How positively continental.

Have you spent much time in Europe,
Mr. Bartholomew?

All my life.

Oxford, Cambridge,
University of Heidelberg.

Oh, my Apollo. My Ariel!

My knight in shining armor.

You'll have to forgive Ophelia.
She's a bit shy with men.

I've searched the world over.
I've never met anyone like her.

I'll buy that.

We want to fly away together.

Roam the seven seas.
Search the far corners of the Earth.

But first, we'll have a spot of lunch.

Thank you, Lurch.

Magnificent lunch.

I should be honored to have
your recipe for the cherries jubilee.

Cherries jubilee?

Oh, that was flambeau of jellyfish.

Flambeau of jellyfish?

How did you two get together?

Mama, please!

They're not on the witness stand.

How did you two get together?

It was at this wonderful
Ionely hearts club luau.

I looked over the suckling pig,
and there she was.

Well, if you have so much money,

what were you doing
at a Ionely hearts club?

Mama, please!

What were you doing
at a Ionely hearts club?

I was looking for a simple girl.

You sure struck oil.

Well, it's time for a walk in the garden.

Allow me.

I just love when she does that.

Come, Horatio.

My love.

Well, querida, what do you think?

- He's charming.
- Rich.

- Attractive.
- Magnetic.

- Impossible.
- Exactly.

Too perfect. The man's an obvious phony.

An imposter. How shall we prove it?

Simple matter. He claims he's rich.

I'll call Brad and Dunstreet,
the financial authorities.

Excellent thinking, darling.

One of them is bound to be in.

Hello, Brad and Dunstreet?
Gomez Addams here.

Try to keep a civil tongue in your head.
Just making an enquiry.

What do you have
on Horatio Bartholomew?

Yes, I'll wait.

They're running him
through their computer.

The marvels of science.

They're running him
through their computer,

and he's walking in our garden.

All at the same time. Amazing.

What?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Thank you.

Just as I thought.
They never heard of Horatio Bartholomew.

Oh, my darling sister.
In the hands of a scheming adventurer.

A Ionely hearts club bluebeard!
Poor Ophelia.

If your Cousin Itt
hadn't been such a playboy,

they might be married by now.

Perhaps we can have another talk
with the little rou?.

Rou?. That's French. I wish you'd said that.

Darling, please.
Let's concentrate on Cousin Itt.

What?

- Cousin Itt.
- Oh, yes, yes!

Oh, Cousin Itt.

At least we know he's up there.
Let me try, dear.

Careful of the soot.

Okay, dear.

Cousin Itt!

Would you come down, please?
We'd like to have a little chat with you.

Itt, you come down here this minute!

Well, now we know another thing.
The chimney needs cleaning.

Cousin Itt!

If you don't come down
I'm going to be very hurt.

I scared you down, didn't I?

Cousin Itt,
you know how fond we are of you.

Thank you. You do put things so nicely.

Itt, we think
you are perfect husband material.

Suave, sophisticated, cultured.

Yes, and loaded, too.

Now, with women throwing themselves
at you all the time,

of course you've probably become
a bit jaded.

That's true.

If a person is going to become jaded,
that is the best way.

But we think it's time
that you settle down, got married.

Itt, are you still with us?

Good. We have the perfect mate for you.

My darling sister, Ophelia.

Bachelors. Always playing hard to get.

I didn't realize your sister
was such a swinger.

Faster!

Faster!

Faster!

Ophelia, where are you?

Horatio.

What have you done with the swing?

I've got it right here, dear.

My goodness!

Don't worry, dear. I'll catch you.

That was fun.

I just love it when you do things like that.

I must save my poor deluded sister
from the clutches of that beast.

Right. She's deluded enough without him.

But I love Horatio.

The man's a bounder and a cad.

And not a very nice one.

He's the only one that loves me.

I know he loves me.

The daisies told me so.

Ophelia.

Are you going to listen
to the daisies or to Mama?

What do you see?

I see a man with a Heidelberg scar
and a bushy mustache.

That's the blackguard.

Mama, tell Ophelia the truth
about this man.

He's loaded, elegant and unattached.

And if you ask me,
he'd make Ophelia a perfect husband.

Mama, either you're out of practice
or that ball needs repairing.

That scoundrel
must have tampered with it.

Very well then. Get your own crystal ball.

The cleverness of the fiend.
Even fooling Mama.

Oh, shame, shame.

To pillory that poor man
with your outrageous slings and arrows.

Oh, Horatio, my love. I'm coming.

You're going the wrong way, dear.

He's upstairs in Uncle Fester's room.

Flying to her destruction
like a moth to a flame.

- What do we do?
- Blow out the flame.

This is fun.

Ophelia.

Locking yourself up this way
isn't going to solve the problem.

I'm going to stay in here until I perish.

But, darling,
what good would you be to Horatio dead?

Interesting point.

Ophelia, the man is not only a scoundrel,
he doesn't even have a job.

But, darling, you don't have a job, either.

Exactly, one playboy in the family
is enough.

Besides, he's a liar,
claims to have been at Heidelberg.

Should be easy enough to disprove that.

Well, of course. We'll simply call
the Heidelberg Dean of Men.

Not necessary!

All Heidelbergers are expert swordsmen.

I'll just get down the sabers
and test this blowhard.

Hope you don't mind
a friendly exchange of steel, Bartholomew.

Not at all.
You'll forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

Rusty, eh?

You beginning to get the drift, Ophelia?

All right, choose your weapons.

Now, the moment Lurch
drops his handkerchief, we begin.

Just a minute, old boy.

Let's wait till the handkerchief
hits the floor.

Sorry. Whenever you're ready.

Bravo, Gomez. Wonderful evasive action.

Now all I have to do is evade the furniture.

Allow me.

None of your trickery here, old man.

Sorry, Bruno.

Would you like to wrestle?

You were magnificent, dear.

Where did the coward go?

Upstairs, to wash the blood off his hands.

- Blood on his hands, eh?
- Your blood.

Now will you help Horatio and me
plot our troth?

Really, Ophelia.
Would you marry a penniless imposter?

Penniless. Horatio?

You'll soon laugh
on the other side of your daisies.

Are we going to call
Brad and Dunstreet again?

There are other ways
to unmask a braggart.

Braggart, come down here
and bring some money.

Darling,

don't you think you'd better let
Mr. Bartholomew cut the cards?

Too risky.

Excuse me, it's time to feed Cleopatra.

On with the game, Bartholomew.

Horatio, pick a daisy for luck.

That one must have taken root.
Try another.

My love.

Well, what about $200,

just for openers?

I should go out.

Nothing like hard cash on the line
to weed out the ribbon clerks.

However, just for sociability,

I'll see your $200 and raise you $200.

Just as I thought. Phony.

That bill is yours.

Strange.

Uncle Fester's picture is on there.

I told him to keep his Monopoly money
out of this drawer.

All right! Here's that $200,

your $200, and $500 more.

Raise him back, Horatio. Raise him back.

If it will amuse you, dear.

Your $500, and I'll raise you $500.

That is if you'll accept a check.

I knew we'd get to the check ploy.

We're playing for cash, Bartholomew,
not paper.

Very well, then. I'll raise you $100.

All right, ribbon clerk. What do you have?

A pair of deuces.

Deuces?

That's good. I thought you were bluffing.

Still, he isn't exactly penniless.

So he carried a few extra kopecks
around in his pocket.

Tactic number one
in the fortune-seekers' manual.

Darling, you know so much
about the world.

I've lived in it all my life.

Still, it grieves me
to see that sweet, charming creature

in the clutches
of that abominable monster.

Gomez!

Dear Horatio decided he didn't want
the money he won from you.

Maybe we misjudged the monster.

He gave it all away.

Blackguard. Probably leave you
for the first pretty ankle that comes along.

Fiddle-dee-dee. Prove it.

Gomez can't, but I can.

Morticia!

Don't worry, darling.

I'll lead him to the brink
and stop him at the gate.

It'll do you no good. I'm the blonde.

And I'm more fun. Yes, I am.

Did you want to see me about something?

Not something. Us.

Gomez and Ophelia have gone out.

We're all alone.
Just the two of us, together.

Care to play checkers?

Oh, what a tight leash you have
on your passions, dear.

Come, sit beside me.

If he lays a hand on her, I'll k*ll him.

And give him a piece of my mind, too.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable here?

I'm quite all right here.

That's better.

When you first entered this house,
you must have felt the vibrations.

True, I have.

But it's an old house.
It's bound to have a few vibrations.

Horatio, why do you resist me?

Because I'm in love with your sister.

Excuses, excuses. Take me.

Take you where?

I knew you couldn't resist me.

Mrs. Addams, you're beautiful, charming,
cultured, talented, intelligent, witty, rich

and completely feminine.

You're just not my type.

Not your type?
How dare you insult my wife.

So you've been watching!

This entire day has been nothing
but a silly test.

I love you for what you are.

Whatever that is.

And I love you for what you are.

Whatever that is.

Thank you, Thing.

Hello. Morticia Addams speaking.

Oh, yes. Just a moment.

Gomez, dear.

It's Brad and Dunstreet
calling back about Mr. Bartholomew.

Hello, Mr. Dunstreet.

Sorry. Hello, Mr. Brad.

Really?

Yes, I see.

Yes, that is interesting.

Thank you.

Nailed him as a draft dodger, too, eh?

Seems there's been a slight mistake.

They were checking out
a Mr. Henry Bartholomew.

Who's he?

A fraud, a forger, and a draft dodger.

Henry Bartholomew is definitely out.
What about Horatio?

Well, he's not the richest man
in the world.

He's the second richest man in the world.

We'll apologize to him forthwith.

Mr. Bartholomew,
I'm afraid we owe you an apology.

Yes, indeed, Bartholomew, old man.
We've misjudged you.

Oh, well!

You're not only acceptable to this family,

I'm going to see to it
that you're a full-fledged member

of the Zen-Yogi society.

- Zen-Yogi?
- The only true way to inner peace.

- Ridiculous.
- Ridiculous?

Some of the men in our family,
the Frump family,

have found inner peace
swinging from a chandelier.

- Absurd.
- Absurd?

Perhaps you'd prefer
a simple romp in the swamp.

- Nonsense.
- Nonsense?

But, Horatio, a man who doesn't like
to stand on his head

or swing from a chandelier
or have a simple romp in the swamp

is maladjusted.

Lucky me.

Lucky me, for finding out in time.

Ophelia, he's the second richest man
in the world.

My mother taught me
never to settle for second best.

A true Frump.

It will take a long time
for my wounds to heal.

But I'll get over it.

You mean it?
You really want to marry Ophelia?

You dear, sweet, lovable creature.

That Ophelia. A one-man woman.

Darling,

are you sure you know
how to saw a woman in half?

Positive. It's putting her together again
I'm not sure of.

Mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

Oh, it's from Ophelia.

Oh, she says she and Itt
had a lovers' quarrel,

and the engagement is off.

But she's found a new love.

I like a girl who can bounce back.
What's he like?

Well, she says he's not only rich,
charming and handsome,

but he also claims to be Napoleon.

Napoleon?

Sounds like the perfect match.