02x30 - Ophelia's Career

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Addams Family". Aired: September 18, 1964 – April 8, 1966.
Morticia and Gomez Addams head a perplexingly macabre family whose members include a giant named Lurch, who acts as doorman, a disembodied hand named Thing, not-quite-right son Pugsley and morose daughter Wednesday.
Post Reply

02x30 - Ophelia's Career

Post by bunniefuu »

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family




So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Marvelous idea, Morticia,
putting this old saw together again.

I thought it would be nice for Uncle Fester.

This is fun. Makes me all goose-bumpy.

It's always so exciting
seeing how these games turn out.

Just about another foot to go, old man.


- The electricity's gone off.
- Sure!

I knew something would spoil it.

Now, now, Uncle Fester,
it only missed you by a hair.

No matter, I'll get another fuse.

No, forget it. I'm out of the mood now.
I'll be up in my tree house.

Gomez, darling, wasn't that the doorbell?

I believe it was.
That means the electricity is okay.

It must have been Uncle Fester
who blew a fuse.

I'll have Pugsley bring him a fresh one.

Miss Ophelia.

Ophelia, what a surprise.

Oh, dear brother-in-law,
you behold the most miserable of women.

Well, you are that. But what happened?

Throckmorton didn't like that.
He jilted me.

Montrose didn't like it.
Throckmorton didn't like it.

Bunch of spoilsports.

Well, look on the bright side, Ophelia.

Just because you've been jilted
once or twice,

it doesn't mean you are unattractive.

You're very attractive,
and strong as an ox.

- Hi, Aunt Ophelia.
- Oh, Pugsley, this is a tragic day.

What happened?

Throckmorton didn't like that.

Now, Pugsley, you can see why
your Aunt Ophelia's heart is broken.

Her heart and my back.

Ophelia, I thought I heard you.

Oh, Uncle Fester, you behold
a most wretched woman.

Say, you do look better.

Ophelia's been jilted.

- Again?
- Practically left at the altar.

What happened?

Throckmorton didn't like being judoed.

You sure do have a weakness
for weirdoes.

Nobody loves me for myself.

Well, that's understandable.

Have you tried offering money?

But, Father, isn't that undignified?

Very, and besides, it doesn't work.

Oh, cheer up, Aunt Ophelia,
you'll make a very nice old maid.

Ophelia, maybe you're a bit too anxious.

Men like their women mysterious, elusive.

That's my type.

I'm afraid I should go upstairs and rest.
I just have no more strength.

You see, he only went six feet.

There's no hope for me.

Did I hear my sister Ophelia?

- Who else leaves me black and blue?
- Oh, mon cher.

- That's French.
- Darling, please, Ophelia first.

I'm next.

Well, I think I'll go work
on Ophelia's problem.

Oh, poor Ophelia.
She seems destined not to find love.

Perhaps we could find something
to divert her.

Some sort of career, perhaps.

Maybe she could go to Japan
and take up sumo wrestling.

She tried that.
That's how she lost Horatio.

I have it, science.
The world needs another Madame Curie.

Excellent! We'll give her a few
of Pugsley's chemicals,

and she can mix, mix, mix
until she discovers something.

- But what?
- I don't know.

Perhaps she could mix herself
another man.

I think I'm beginning to get something.

You know, this reminds me
of Sir Newton Addams.

When he made his scientific discoveries?

No, when he set his house on f*re.

Oh, yes, that was the high point
of his career.

- Well, shall we begin?
- Right.

- Powder.
- Powder.

- Water.
- Water.

- Hydrochloric acid.
- Hydrochloric acid.

- Tincture of benzoin.
- Tincture of benzoin.

- Salicylic acid.
- Salicylic acid.

Uncle Fester, you keep giving me
the same test tube all the time.

Yeah, I know, I mixed them all together.
It saves test tubes.

Very shrewd.

- Now then, the black bottle.
- The black bottle.

- The white bottle.
- The white bottle.

- The blue bottle.
- The blue bottle.

- The green bottle.
- The green bottle.

- No, you don't.
- Why not?

That's my after-shave lotion.

- Uncle Fester, that's sulfuric acid.
- Yeah, I know, it's real tangy.

There's something
about a sulfuric acid man.

There's nothing like
a quiet afternoon of culture.

Darling, perhaps Ophelia
should devote herself to art.

You may be right.
Science doesn't seem to be it.

Here it is 3:00.

Ophelia's been up there mixing chemicals
for two hours and nothing.

Well, we must be patient
with these new scientists.

After all, dear, she hasn't the faintest idea
of what she is doing.

See, I think she stumbled onto something.

- Sounds like something big.
- I'll go see what it is.

Congratulations, Ophelia. What happened?

I discovered that if I mixed the blue stuff
with the green stuff...

Well, science is definitely out.
But don't worry, we'll think of something.

There's no hope for me.

'Tis the last rose of summer

That is blooming all alone

That is exquisite, unbelievable.
It's this room.

This room of art and beauty.

Ophelia, we've found your career.
You could be an opera singer.

Me, an opera singer?

- Well, you'll have to put on a little weight.
- Oh, I will, I will.

Yes, your voice will need a little polishing
and I know just the right little polish.

- Cousin Itt.
- Exactly, I'll go find him.

Oh, Cousin Itt.

- Morticia, I have wonderful news.
- What is it, dear?

Ophelia is on a threshold of a new career.

I know, she told me all about it.
Isn't it exciting?

Certainly is. Cousin Itt!

Itt, now you come down here this minute.

Playful and sneaky, too.
My dear, would you mind giving it a try?

Cousin Itt, it's an emergency.

No, Cousin Itt, the house isn't on f*re.
But we do have another emergency.

Ophelia wants to learn how to sing.

Wait. We need you.

Gomez, darling,
are you sure Cousin Itt is our man?

He spent 15 years at
the West African Institute for Music.

- Teaching?
- Supplying hair for violin bows.

Oh, well, in that case,

Cousin Itt, what do you think
sister Ophelia's chances are?

Certainly, you have an opinion?

With lots of hard work.

And serious intense study.

That's your considered opinion?

Well, at least there's hope.

And a true artist lives on hope,
as long as he has a strong constitution.

We'll start immediately.
I'll have Lurch accompany Ophelia.

Oh, dear, this one's out of order.

No problem.

You rang?

Lurch, how would you like to be
Ophelia's accompanist?

Dear Lurch, he's such an enthusiast.

Cousin Itt, take over.

Darling, I think we should leave
the music lovers alone.

Lurch will get Ophelia.
Let's go to the playroom and read.

I've got a better idea.
Let's go to the playroom and play.

- Hang onto these.
- Thank you, darling.

Now, it's really quite simple.

When Fester blows the whistle,
play starts.

The first player to get the puck
to the opposite wall scores.

Oh, but darling, isn't this supposed
to be played on the ice?

- That's too slippery.
- Very sensible.

- All right, you two. Are you ready?
- Ready.

Gomez, darling, I do believe he's trying
to tell us something.

Come now, Fester, speak up.

Oh, now, Fester,
you can speak more clearly than that.

Oh, my, Ophelia upstairs studying opera,
and now this.

We're getting to be quite a musical family.

Either that or he swallowed his whistle.

Uncle Fester, I've warned you
about those between-meal snacks.

Querida, how many calories in a whistle?

Well, are you ready?

Now, back to the game.

Gomez, darling, don't you think
we should check on Ophelia?

Cousin Itt must have her singing
like a bird now.

- A canary?
- A vulture.


We couldn't stand the suspense
any longer.

How goes it with our little songbird?

Dear Cousin Itt,
he's taught me everything he knows.

Even more?

Generous to a fault. Well, f*re away.

By george, he has taught her
everything he knows.

Down to the last...

But, Cousin Itt, in opera,
don't they sing in Italian?

That was Italian?

Really temperamental, those long hairs.

Oh, dear, just as my career
was blossoming, it's nipped in the bud.

Not yet, Ophelia dear,
we'll get you another teacher.

I know just the man, Ophelia.
Signor Bellini.

Darling, are you sure he's available
for house calls?

Querida, Signor Bellini is an artist.

And artists are always ready
to sacrifice for art, if the price is right.

Let's see how much money
we have on hand.

You rang?

Now that's what I call functional art.

We're out of petty cash, Lurch.

In the barrel, please.

Thank you, Lurch.

More in ice-box.

Good thinking.
There's nothing like cold cash.

Stop. Stop, stop!

Is something wrong, Signor Bellini?

No, except that in my 20 years

of coaching the greats, near greats
and even ingrates,

I have never heard such squawking,
squeaking and screeching

from a human throat.

I have a feeling
Signor Bellini isn't too impressed.

Nonsense. These maestros only abuse
the students they love.

Shall we try it again, maestro?

Who cares? I've already got ulcers.

Is that better, signor?

Would you like me to show you
just how much better?

Yes, Signor Bellini, yes.


You're right.
I could have broken a perfectly good cane.

He's really a taskmaster.
He's trying to bring Ophelia out.

If he ever hits her,
they'll have to carry her out.

Signorina Frump,
I can't take anymore today.

Tomorrow I come back for another fee...

- Just practice.
- Which part shall I practice?

Sing them all. All at once, for all I care.

Oh, you mean like this?

Could you do that again?
Or didn't I hear what I heard?

Oh, joy to the world,
I have charmed my maestro

with my simple triple-stop, double-vibrato
vocal harmonium.

A musical miracle.

It's amazing. Beneath all that mediocrity
she has hidden talent.

Perhaps we can bring it out.

If she is willing to work,
and you're willing to pay.

We'll pay anything.
What does she have to do?

First, she must empty her mind
of everything.

That should be no problem.

- She must sing day and night.
- Day and night?

- Night and day.
- Oh, that one she knows.

Starting with scales,
she must work five hours a day.

If she cuts out meals and sleep,
she can work 25 hours a day.

Gomez, darling,
aren't there only 24 hours in a day?

By george, you're right.
She'll just have to sing faster.

In three months
I'll have her ready to audition.

Better make it six.

Morticia, that's French.

- Gomez, darling, we have a guest.
- Oh, pardon me.

You rang?

Lurch, would you please show
Mr. Bellini the door.

But I'm not ready to go.

All right, I'm ready.

I want you also to work on her tremolo.

Oh, we will, we will.
I'll put her on a strict diet.

Darling, what an exciting six months
it's been.

And in a few moments,
our Ophelia will be auditioning

for the great impresario Rudolpho himself.

That reminds me, Uncle Fester,
how's Ophelia's throat spray coming?

I think it needs a little splash of ammonia.

The color is getting good.
It is sort of a bilious fuchsia.

- There, I think it's done.
- Well, we'll know in a moment.

- It's perfect.
- Well, got to get it while it's hot.

There you are. Singer's Squirt No. 5.

Thank you, Uncle Fester.

When we spray Ophelia's throat with this,
she'll sing like she never sang before.

That must be Signor Bellini
and the great Rudolpho.

Quick, Uncle Fester,
go upstairs and spray Ophelia.

Signor Bellini and impresario Rudolpho.

Oh, charming,
we've heard so much about you.

Yes, I've heard quite a bit about you, too.
And until today I didn't believe it.

Let's get on with the audition.
What a voice you're going to hear.

Just one moment, Bellini.
Impresario, Gomez Addams here.

Now before we bring on the little lady,

there are few details of contract
to be settled.

First, she's to have star billing.

Star billing?
But I haven't even heard her yet.

Exactly, we can't take any chances.

- We want to see Ophelia's name in lights.
- In lights?

Uncle Fester will supply the electricity.

He can make it flicker.

Now, as to money, salary,
we're prepared to start modestly.

$10,000 a week plus 90% of the gross.

And, of course,
free tickets for every member of the family

at all performances.

Get the girl and let her sing.

In due time, Bellini.
Just one more detail to settle.

Impresario, we don't want Ophelia
doing any of those tired, old operas

by Wagner, Puccini, Verdi.

You see, we feel that a new singer
should have a new opera.

Exactly, and with this in mind,
my dear Morticia has composed one.

It's a frothy little item entitled
Afternoon In A Swamp.

Bellini, if ever I get out of here alive,
you won't be.

Thing, may I please have the contracts?
Thank you.

Now, if you'll just sign the contract.

Signor Gomez, I will not sign anything.

Very well, a handshake is good enough.

Please, humor him. Shake hands.

Here comes my dear sister, Ophelia.

Gentlemen, please be seated.

Play, Signor Lurch.

This is unbelievable.

What have you done to her?

Isn't he the modest one?
It's all Signor Bellini's doing.

All we did was spray her throat
with Uncle Fester's special atomizer.

You fools! You have melted the nodes
on her vocal chord.

Bellini, you are barred
from my opera house.

Even with a ticket.

Impresario Rudolpho,
you haven't heard my wife's opera.

For that I am grateful.

The prejudice against new music.
At least you could hear the finale.

It's truly inspiring.

As the dancers glide
through the quicksand,

the chorus swells triumphantly.

And the prima donna sings
that lovely aria, Afternoon In A Swamp.

Left him speechless.
I knew it would get him.

Hello. Ophelia Frump?
Just a minute, I'll see if she...

That's me.

Throckmorton, lover, angel,
where are you?

In hiding. Yes, of course.

Bye, bye lover.

I'm sorry. I cannot join the opera.

You can't?

Oh, my dear young lady,
this has been a red-letter day for music.

And as for An Afternoon In A Swamp,

this has certainly been one.

I'm sorry, Signor Bellini,

but a woman must place love
before her career.

Forget it.
I'm just going to take a long walk,

against the traffic lights.

What's all this about love and career?

Throckmorton wants me back.

He says he's sure now that
we can be completely compatible.

Oh, what happened?

- He took up judo.
- Judo?


- How're we doing?
- Perfect score, dear.

You've missed 100 out of 100.

The mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

Gomez, darling,
it's from the Canary Islands.

Strange, we don't know any canaries.

- Oh, it's from my sister Ophelia.
- I wonder what she says.

Oh, she says it was all off between her
and Throckmorton

- from the very first moment they met.
- From the very first moment they met?

He dislocated his shoulder.
But she says she's happy.

She's regained her two-part voice
and it's lovelier than ever.

- She even sent us a record.
- Well, let's give it a listen.

Oh, I'm falling in love

By george, she's done it again.

I must write to her immediately.
I have a lovely idea for her next record.

What, cara mia?

The Sextet from Lucia.
Post Reply