01x14 - Vials and Tribulations

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing]

Well, today is the big day.

Oh, a little nip and tuck?

-Finally getting in shape?
-Getting even with your barber?

If you're trying to hurt
my feelings, it's working.

A major viewing
of the new principal.

Finally, gonna upgrade
from substitute science teacher

to full-time.

Whoa, do we have a say in this?

Yeah. I think I speak
for the entire school

when I say that two days
of you a month is plenty.

Well, too bad,
because I really want this,

since I can't be Kraniac anymore

and I can't use
my superior intelligence

for its intended purpose.

Or failing students
and rubbing it in their faces.

No. Inspiring the youth
of tomorrow.

Wow, I didn't see
that one coming.

By showing them
how smart a human can be.

[sighs]
Don't you have enough toys

in your lair
to keep your mind busy?

No. But I did just complete
my latest project.

Check it out.

If anyone ever
discovers our villain secret,

this is going
to come in real handy.

This is memory erase gas.

I'd like to erase my memory
when you have gas.

Yeah. That's the last time

I ever shape-shift
into a couch cushion.

When inhaled,
this will temporarily

erase every memory
in a person's head,

which will give us
a head start out of town

before anyone can report us.

I also created a dizzy gas,
a sleeping gas, and a truth gas,

all part of the clever gas
collection by Vic.

I'm sorry.
Are you trying to protect us

or sell holiday gift sets
at the mall?

Well, I'm gonna put
these away and head out.

I wanna get
to the teacher's lounge

before Ms. Billford
snags the last bagel.

I swear that woman
could sniff out

a pumpernickel
from two towns over.

I wish I had his confidence
at my new job.

I thought you liked working
at The Round-Up taco truck.

I do. But the manager wants me

to work on
my customer service. [scoffs]

I'm sorry but if you want
your food fast,

I ain't going
to order it for you.

Oh, and to make matters worse,

there's a mystery shopper
showing up today.

What's a mystery shopper?

A picky customer who comes in
and evaluates our service,

and reports back to management.

The mystery is you don't know
who they are.

So basically a tattletale
who gets paid?

-Exactly.
-AMY: [scoffs]

I struck out at the job fair.

I lasted a day
at the pizza place.

I cannot lose another job.
[inhales]

If I just make it
through the second day,

I know it'll stick.

Well, Mom, guess what?

-Hmm?
-I got a work study job

at The Round-Up,
and I start today,

so I can help you with your
customer service skills.

Jakey, well, that's great.

Oh, now, when I get mad

and throw guacamole at someone,

I will just blame it on you.

[knocking on door]

[scoffs] There you are.

We're gonna be late.

For what? We still have an hour
before school starts.

You know how I've been
trying to get tickets

for this weekend's
sold-out Fuchsia concert?

What the heck is a Fuchsia?

You know that music I play
to drown out

the sound of your voice?
That's her.

Anyway, I heard they're doing
a last-minute drop

of tickets down at the arena.

If we go down there fast,
we might get some.

Now? But we'll be late
for school.

Oh, but I do wanna see Fuchsia.

But if we're late,
I'll get detention.

She never comes to Texas.

Oh, but if I get detention,

then it'll break my streak
of never getting detention...

How about we just go do this

and make all the voices
in your head happy.

[theme music playing]

[rock music playing]

[laughs] We got the tickets.

We got the tickets.

Oh, I can't believe we b*at out
all those people in line.

Yeah. No, once I hip checked
that first guy,

the rest just fell
like dominoes.

I've never been so alive.
[chuckles]

Wait. Where is everyone?

[scoffs] Oh, no.
We're four minutes late.

This is what I get
for losing myself

in a moment
of joyous enthusiasm.

Hartley, I'm a pro
at sneaking in.

Trust me, no one's gonna
know we're late.

COLBY: No one except me.

You're not the only pro
at sneaking in late.

I do it all the time.

And it's a lot easier now
that I can turn invisible,

since, you know, chosen one.

Wait. You go to the school?

Yeah. I'm a freshman.

I just missed a couple months

when I was stuck
in my shape-shifting loop.

But I haven't seen you
here since then.

Yeah, 'cause now
I'm in a school skipping loop.

But that's on purpose. See you.

Busted!

Mr. Tennyson?

That's Principal Tennyson
to you.

Wait. You're our new principal?

I was just promoted

from vice principal
at East Valley View.

This is the culmination
of a 20-year career

in school administration,

but, sure, act surprised.

And I run a tight ship.
That's right.

There's a new sheriff in town.

That was a lot of metaphors.

And that's a lot of lip

from two girls
who just got detention.

[scoffs] What? No.

I never get detention.

Can't you let it slide?
[chuckles]

Let me be clear.

I know you all think of me
as your fun-loving

and "down with the teens"
neighbor.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

But within these walls,
make no mistake about it,

I am not your princi-pal.

[chuckles] Huh?

See what I did there?

If not, I'll break it down
for you in detention.

[scoffs] Great.

I'm officially a perp.

Big deal.
You got your first detention.

It's not like you actually
have to go or anything.

-Of course, you have to go.
-Really?

Oh, well, that explains why
they've been giving me detention

for not going to detention.
[scoffs]

Hey, you two should be in class,

unless you popped out
to wish me luck on my interview,

which I don't need, because
scientifically luck isn't real,

which you'd know if you were
as smart as me. [scoffs]

Can't wait to meet
the new principal.

He's gonna love me.

Well, if it isn't, Mr. Madden.

-Please tell me that isn't--
-Oh, it is.

[rock music playing]

Oh, you want me
to refill your drink?

[chuckles] You haven't finished
this one yet.

Fine. One refill coming up.

Hmm.

Mom, that's salsa.

I like to call this one
the ghost pepper spritz.

[chuckles] Sorry.

She's not good
with, uh... people.

I'll bring a new one.

What are you doing?

The mystery shopper
could be here any minute.

You have to be
in your best behavior.

Now, what's another way
you could've handled that?

-Dump the salsa on his head?
-No.

-Dumb the soda on his head?
-[scoffs] No.

Dump the hot nacho cheese
on his head?

You can't dump anything
on anyone's head.

-I thought you wanted this job?
-I do.

Then you need to control
your villain instincts.

The trick is to pretend

that you like the customers
even if you hate them.

Oh, so swallow my feelings here,
take it out on my family later?

Something like that.
Just make sure I'm not home.

Oh, thank you.

Here is your order, sir.
Have a taco-tastic day.

You did it.

You told him
to have a taco-tastic day

and I can tell
you didn't mean it at all.

Oh, maybe I can do this.

Oh, look, a new customer
just sat down.

See if you can keep it going.

Oh, uh-hmm, no problem.

-Welcome to The Round-Up.
-About time.

Celia, hi. [chuckles]
What brings you here?

-Do you sell tacos?
-Yes.

Then, you solved the riddle.

[laughs] Yay.

Uh, what can I get you?

I'll have the taco
but can you crumble up the shell

and sprinkle it on top
of some lettuce?

-So you want a taco salad?
-Did I order a taco salad?

It certainly
sounded like you did.

Are you saying
I'm ordering wrong?

Because Celia is always right.

Isn't it the customer
is always right?

Not today.

Hey. I'm sorry about
getting us detention

this morning, but...

I think I found a way
to make things right.

Colby, that's your cue.

Sorry.

I have so many powers now
I forgot which one I was using.

You wouldn't get it.
Chosen one problems.

I had Colby use his invisibility
to duck out of last period

and go grab the gases
my dad made.

Anything for my sister.

You are paying me
in video games, right?

-Yes.
-Anything for my sister.

This stuff temporarily
wipes someone's memory.

One whiff and Tennyson

will forget he even
gave you detention.

But if it's only temporary,

then he'll remember
when it wears off.

Well, I can't think
of everything, Hartley.

I just came up

with the perfect way
to win over Principal Tennyson.

Hey, why are your hands
behind your back?

Oh, I love this game.
I choose that one.

[glass breaks]

[smoke hissing]

[coughing]

[sniffles]

-Who are you?
-Oh, no.

All right, Mr. Madden.
Time for your interview.

We could do it right here.

I just lavender bombed my office

to get rid
of the old principal's BO.

It's like it clung to the walls.

-Mr. Madden.
-You better find Mr. Madden.

This sounds important.

[rock music playing]

Uh, Mr. Madden, the interview.
You're a science teacher.

Did you forget the formula
for being on time?

How long will it take
for that stuff to wear off?

I don't know.
Dad, how long does it take?

-Who are you calling Dad?
-It's gonna take a while.

Tick tock. These questions
aren't gonna answer themselves.

It takes two to interview.

Colby, you have
to shape-shift into Dad

and do the interview
with Principal Tennyson.

I don't know
how to be a teacher.

I barely know
how to be a student.

Look, you're a lot smarter
than Dad is right now.

Come on, Colby. Help me out.

Fine. But you owe me
a new gaming console.

Whatever. Just do it.

What is taking so long?

Hartley, you gotta help me.

Why are you roping me into this?

Because getting this job
means a lot to my dad

and I don't wanna be
the reason he loses it.

[scoffs] Fine. I'll help.

Great. Throw him
in the janitor's closet.

Why?

Um...
because you're the janitor!

Wait. I'm a dad and a janitor?
Where do I find the time?

All right, Mr. Madden.

That's me. Boom. Nailed it.

Okay.

Why do you think you'll be
a good fulltime teacher?

A lot of reasons.

Oh, I have to say them?

No. We can play hangman
and I'll guess them.

Cool. I'll go sharpen my pencil.

[laughing] You're gonna need
to sharpen more than a pencil.

[rock music playing]

I'm trying to be nice,

but see her keep
sending her orders back?

She's as demanding as that baby

that used to beg me
for bedtime snuggles.

Yeah. Colby was annoying.

I was talking about you.

Wait. If Celia's being picky,
specific, and demanding,

she must be the mystery shopper.

Oh, you're right. What do I do?

It's just Celia.
You can totally handle her.

She's practically family.

Okay. And she does
have a key, eats our food,

and sometimes
sleeps in our beds. [chuckles]

Oh, she's either family
or Goldilocks.

So how does it all taste, Cels?

-Yeah. Third time's the charm.
-It's actually the fifth time.

-Who's counting?
-I am.

There's a bunch of four leaf
clovers in the salsa.

Yeah, but that's cilantro.

You specifically
requested the pico de gallo.

Well, I don't like it
so why don't you pick it out-o?

Jakey, we might have to go
on the run again,

but this time,
it'll be worth it.

I know Celia
is driving you crazy,

but if she gives you
a good mystery shopper report,

you'll definitely keep your job.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Why don't I take care of Celia

and show you
how it's done, all right?

-Hey, Celia.
-Not today, Taco Boy.

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

Okay. I locked your dad
in the junior's closet.

-Did anyone see you?
-Just the janitor.

But he's weirdly cool with it.

Yeah. He lets me hide
in there in between classes.

He's very generous
with the space.

So, Mr. Madden, where do you
see yourself in 10 years?

Professional skateboarder...

who also teaches.

Did I get that one right?

You know, I never do this
mid-interview,

but let's take a break.

[chuckles] You can come up

with better answers
to my questions

and I can go
use my temple ticklers

to get rid of the headache I got
when you started speaking.

[sigh]

I don't know how much more
of playing dad I can take.

Being that cocky
really takes a lot out of you.

Get this. There was
another janitor in the closet

and he said I wasn't a janitor,
so I swiped his mop.

Who's the janitor now?

Okay. This isn't working.

Maybe there's an antidote
on one of the vials.

Cool. What's that one do?

-Amy, stop. No more gas.
-No!

-Truth gas?
-Oh, no.

Amy, what have we done?

Well, I don't know about you but
I can tell you what I've done.

I lost the TV remote
and blamed it on Jakey,

Colby's lunch
and I said a pigeon took it,

and I spent the entire night
rifling through your house

while you were sleeping.

That felt good
but why did I say that?

Great. The truth gas is making
her confess everything,

which means she could blow
your family secret.

Normally, I'd say the truth
will set you free,

but this time,
it might get you locked up.

Oh, Principal Tennyson is back.

Colby, get back
to the interview.

I'll get your dad out of here.

Uh-oh. Gum. I better get that.

Amy, why don't you join us?

Maybe you can tell me why
we should promote your father

'cause he sure can't.

Oh, I'll tell you
whatever you need to know,

starting with
that's not really my father.

Oh, I wasn't expecting
daddy drama on my first day.

Did you just say
this isn't your father?

What she meant is
she sees Mr. Madden

as an educator first
and a dad second.

Mr. Madden, I have to be honest.

Your resume says one thing
but you say nothing.

I don't see how any student
could learn anything from you.

Yeah. To be honest,
I don't either.

-[scoffs]
-HARTLEY: [laughs]

Oh, Amy, such a joker.

Thanks. I get it from my dad,
who he is not.

[squeaky] What is happening?

Oh.

Mr. Madden, you need
to get out of here.

-Why?
-I know this may be hard

to believe but you're
an evil genius supervillain

and your son shape-shifted
into you to save your job

because you made a gas
that erases your memory.

Well, if I'm such a genius,
why am I holding a mop?

Okay. You know what?

You are the janitor. [chuckles]

Oh, look. Runaway trash can.

And that is how you
turn pocket lint into gold.

All right. I've heard enough.

You don't seem to be
a qualified teacher at all.

Of course, he is.

There's gotta be something
he can do to convince you.

Well, maybe Mr. Madden
is more of a visual teacher.

Perhaps he could impress me
with a demonstration.

You know, a little
science experiment.

Uh, yeah. Let's fire up
the bunion burner.

Do you mean Bunsen burner?

Uh, sure.

[chuckles] He is not sure.

Wow, Cels, did I get
this one correct?

Looks like you've eaten
half your food.

Well, I gotta eat something
while I'm waiting for you

to get my order right.

Now, hurry up before
I fill up on the wrong one.

That's it.

We are out of plates.
I am out of patience.

Besides... [clears throat]

I know who you are.

I was-- I was young.
I didn't know what I was doing.

All I did was hand him
a trash bag.

-What?
-What?

No. You-- you're
the mystery shopper.

That's why you've been
dissecting how I'm doing my job.

Mystery shopper?

Do I look like someone
who keeps my opinion a mystery?

-Well, if you're not, who is?
-How should I know?

I'm just a friendly woman who's
still waiting on her churro.

You did not order a churro.

I didn't order a taco salad
either but here we are.

That's it. I'm done.

I just-- I'm not cut out
for this job.

This wasn't a table for two
but go ahead.

I think it's pretty obvious
that I can't do anything right.

Look, you're doing fine.

Most waiters quit
after serving me.

Oh, actually, most waiters quit
while serving me.

So if you've hung in this long,
you got what it takes.

Thanks, Cels.

Hey, maybe I can make this work.

I mean, if I can handle you,
I can handle anyone.

That's the spirit.

-Still waiting on that churro.
-Oh.

Well, you're looking happier.

[chuckles] Celia and I
had a heart to heart.

Or one empty chest cavity
to another.

[laughs] Hey, anyway,

turns out, she's not
the mystery shopper.

The only mystery about her
is what was in that trash bag.

Oh, well, guess what?

The manager told me
a couple hours ago

that the real
mystery shopper canceled.

What?

-Why didn't you tell me?
-Because you...

you were doing so well
with Celia.

I didn't wanna mess that up.

You're thinking
of dumping salsa on my head,

-aren't you?
-No.

-Soda?
-No.

-Hot nacho cheese?
-We have a winner.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

What kind of experiment
are you doing?

It's a surprise.

I hate surprises, especially
at the doctor's office.

Didn't know we were
doing that today.

I have powers.

-Excuse me.
-She said she has flowers.

No. I'm pretty sure
she said powers. [gasps]

Let me guess.

You're one of those
wannabe witches.

I swear you teen girls
watch one scary movie

and you all think
you're possessed.

Principal Tennyson, any chance

we could do
the experiment tomorrow?

No way.

I was promised an experiment

and if Mr. Madden wants
this job, he better hurry up.

Don't worry. I'm on it.

-I fight superheroes.
-What?

Sure you do, honey.

I'm gonna go
get the school counselor.

Oh, no.
You don't have to do that.

[expl*si*n]

-Uh-oh.
-[chuckles]

I should have known
this would happen.

Mr. Madden,
I take my job very seriously.

Not only are you not fit
to be a full-time teacher,

you're not fit to be a sub.

Wait. That's a Fuchsia ringtone.

-You like her?
-Of course.

Who doesn't?

You know, I tried to get tickets
to her concert this week

but they were completely
sold out and-- wait.

You're trying to distract me
from the matter at hand.

This man is a fraud.

Mr. Madden, I'm sorry
but we won't be needing

-your services anymore.
-Wait.

This job means a lot to my dad
and I don't want him to lose it

because of me. I care about him.

That's why-- and I love my dad.
Why can I stop talking?

[scoffs] Listen.
Um, I'll give you two tickets

to the Fuchsia concert
if you could help us out.

-Uh, one ticket.
-Do you wanna go with him?

Two tickets.

Right. Like you'd
be able to get... [gasps]

It's like looking
at two glittery bars of gold.

They're yours
if you'll help us out.

I can't accept bribes. [gasps]

But if I don't do
anything for you,

then technically it's a gift.

So thank you. I got the tickets.

I got the tickets.

-Mr. Madden.
-Mr. Madden?

I don't know what happened?

I was just chasing after a
trash can and then I realized...

I'm a grown man
chasing a trash can.

What the heck happened to you?

You know what happened?
You were just...

Wait. What?

Invisible super speed?
Way to go, Colby.

That's impossible.
What happened to the mess?

My little brother cleaned it up.

Stop talking.

I know what I saw.
I mean, look at me.

If there wasn't a mess
then why am I covered in...

[wind whooshing]

There's your science experiment,
Principal Tennyson. [chuckles]

To make you believe
one thing was happening

while something
completely different

was happening at the same time.

Well, technically, that's magic.

But I'll accept it.

Well done.
The full-time job is yours.

-But I haven't done anything.
-Stop talking.

So how does it feel

to be a full-time
science teacher, Mr. Madden?

Uh, great.

Plus, now we all get
to eat lunch together every day.

You do know that teachers
have their own lounge, right?

Yeah. But it's a lot harder
to embarrass you from there.

All part of the clever
payback collection by Vic.

[sighs] Tell me again
why we helped him get this job.

[sighs] Because we messed up.

But I gotta say,
detention wasn't half bad.

They made us pick up trash.

What'd you volunteer
to do anyways?

You ever think maybe
you should be the janitor?

Hopefully,
this would just teach you

to accept the consequences

instead of trying to get out
of it with your villain schemes.

I guess. At least that way,

we could have actually gone
to the concert.

Hmm. I'm sure
we didn't miss much.

Girls! Fuchsia was fire!

[laughing]

She sang all the hits,
had like 20 costume changes,

and at the end of the show,

she brought
one lucky fan on stage.

Spoiler alert, it was me.

Wow. Well, at least, now we know
our principal can do the worm.

Uh-hmm.