08x17 & 08x18 - Time Machine/Massage

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

Class, for today's field trip, We will be visiting prairie falls-- An historically accurate recreation Of a homesteading community from 1832, okay? So don't be surprised if my great-great-grandpappy Van driessen makes an appearance.

[chuckles]

[brakes squeaking]

[chuckles, clears throat]

[snores]

heh-heh, um Uh.

Where are we? Heh-heh.

UhI don't know.

Huh-huh.

Maybe we took the wrong bus or something.

Huh-huh.

Come on, I'm hungry.

Huh-huh.

Yeah.

Mm, welcome to prairie falls.

Mm, you lucky students have traveled back in time To a typical 19th century homesteading community.

Mm, come and meet my fellow town folk.

Mm.

Uh, did that guy say something About, like, traveling back in time? Huh-huh.

Howdy, fair strangers.

I am tobias van driessen-- A humble, but hard-working cobbler Who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.

Uh, how come van driessen's talking like a foreigner? Um, heh.

I don't know, Maybe we're in mexico or something.

Heh-heh.

Let's go find a tv.

Tv? I know not what you talk of, For the year is 1832.

Now come and watch us thresh wheat.

Uh1832? Huh-huh.

That's, like, not now.

Whoa! Hey, beavis Check it out.

Look at all these people.

[both chuckling]

Maybe that dork was right, Maybe we did travel back in time.

Heh, oh, yeah, yeah.

How did that happen? Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space condominium.

Huh-huh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

Yeah, like in that movie back to the future.

Yeah, heh-heh.

Oh, yeah.

Huh-huh.

Maybe we can score with your mom.

[both chuckling]

oh, yeah.

I mean, uhNo.

[both chuckling]

This is gonna be cool.

I'm not going, you know, to be just, Like, a typical housewife that just Sits at home.

Well, you're better at cooking, You're more efficient at cleaning.

Eh You're more efficient at sex and bad at birth control.

[both chuckling]

Uh This chick reminds me of a young your mom.

Huh-huh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

Like, if this chick was not as hot And, like, older looking, and drunk, But, like, just as stupid.

Huh-huh.

Shut up, butt-head.

Except, um Heh-heh.

Yeah, I kinda see what you're saying though, you know? Heh-heh.

Brandon and I still don't agree on how We're going to come up with the money to move out.

Whoa! What was he doing in there? He's come up with his own idea for making extra money.

This is a complete kit of everything You need to get started prospecting.

This will make you money.

This guy's like "uhYou mean the box?" Huh-huh.

"you open the box.

Don't chew on it.

" heh-heh.

Yeah, heh-heh.

It's a profitable venture.

"now that'll be $9,154, please.

" Good luck to you.

Thank you.

What a dumbass.

Huh-huh.

I'm not convinced that brandon's idea To get extra money is solid, So I'm coming up with my own plan.

How would you handle, like, like, if a customer got upset? I'm calling you right now.

Ring, ring.

UhShe's doing that thing comedians always do With their hands when they're on the phone.

Huh-huh.

Oh, oh, god.

Heh-heh.

Okay, um Uh, first of all, please put the phone by your ear So you can hear it.

Huh-huh.

Hi, I just got my pizza.

It was supposed to be sausage And it's pepperoni.

Okay, um "uh I can't talk right now, My stupid manager is right here.

" [both chuckling]

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

All right.

She's like "uh, so you'll call me on my hand then?" Huh-huh.

Yeah, "I've been sitting By my hand all day.

" heh-heh.

"I guess I didn't get the job.

" But it felt good to take matters into my own hands.

Heh-heh.

I wonder if we're gonna see dinosaurs.

Heh-heh.

Yeah, that would be cool.

[both chuckling]

Beavis, you dumbass.

Dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

Oh, yeah.

Huh-huh.

[clanging]

I've seen lots of movies like this.

We need to, like, do something cool now So that when we go back to the future, It's, like, better or something.

[metal hammering]

ooh, class! There's something interesting.

Um, heh.

Hey, butt-head, since we traveled Back in time 1,000 years, Does that mean that that old dude is, Like, van driessen's dad or something? Uh Heh-heh.

Oh, yeah.

He's old.

[both chuckling]

Whoa! Come to butt-head.

[both chuckling]

Oh, yeah, me too.

[both chuckling]

I do declare, working this pole is hard.

[both chuckling]

oh, yeah.

You look familiar.

Were you at the renaissance fair this summer? Yes, I'm lady wentworth.

[gasps]

I knew it! I'm squire robin! Um, class, why don't you run along And enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes.

[giggles]

ah This sucks.

How come a wuss like that can score and we can't? Um, heh, how do you know he's gonna score? 'causeVan driessen was born, dumb ass.

Huh-huh.

Whoa! Hey, beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do.

Huh-huh.

I could use a hand.

If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van driessen will never be born.

We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.

[both chuckling]

Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Heh-heh.

This is gonna be cool! I mean, heh, or it was cool I mean, in the past.

You know, like, after we do it, It's gonna be cool, you know, heh, To think back upon.

Heh-heh.

Yeah.

You know, frankly, I like the madrigal faire.

Remember, beavis, we can't let this old dude score.

He's van driessen's great-great-grandfather.

[both chuckling]

yeah, right.

Yeah, if he never scores, Then van driessen will never be born, And we'll never have to do homework.

[both chuckling]

This is gonna be cool.

Heh-heh.

[talking indistinctly]

Uh, hark! Or something.

Heh-heh.

Wuss.

Ah, beavis and butt-head.

Please go stand with your classmates, m'kay? Uh, we can't do that.

'cause, like, we know what you're gonna do with her.

What? What are they talking about? [sighs]

boys, now that's inappropriate.

M'kay, megan and I are just talking right now.

And then you're gonna do it.

[both chuckling]

yeah, we know all about you.

Huh-huh.

Because you did it, Then that means that van driessen was born [both chuckling]

and I've seen him.

For we are from the future.

[both chuckling]

Oh.

Do you do this all the time? He sure does.

Wh--no! [both chuckling]

yeah, we know your grandson.

Don't try to lie.

Grandson? You said you didn't have kids! [loud slap]

[sighs]

Megan! Megan, wait! Don't listen to them.

Ow! We have changed history.

[both chuckling]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we'll read about us some day.

We'll look cool.

[both chuckling]

darkness falling down on my skin UhI wonder how this chick decided Which side was gonna be white And which was gonna be black.

I don't know, but, um The side that makes the music Is definitely white.

See? You can tell.

See? UhOh, yeah.

hey hey hey if you're ready to rage What's she so pissed off about? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, look at all you people With your--with your grilled cheese sandwiches And your milk and your vitamin d.

[chuckling]

It fills me with rage! [chuckling]

we gonna get this These people don't seem too into it.

Yeah, they're like another band Raged through here yesterday.

[laughs]

We're all raged out.

Yeah, but did they go through the library And the cafeteria? Yep.

Same route.

The cafeteria, the gym.

They showed up the cheerleaders.

[laughing]

Whoa! Is that little wayne? Yeah.

He's like I was just back in the teacher's lounge Grading papers-- what's going on out here? [chuckling]

I wish our guidance counselor was as cool as little wayne.

Yeah, he'd be like, "have you considered "stacking papers and getting paid? You know what I'm saying?" Have you thought about face tattoos And sipping sizzurp? So, um, how did this chick get little wayne To be in her video? Maybe it was like part of his community service? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Heh.

It was probably like either that Or pick up trash.

Yeah.

And he did pick up trash.

[both laughing]

Mm.

Mm, thanks for visiting.

Mm-hmm, mm, please exit through our gift shop.

Mm.

Hey, beavis, before we go back to modern times, We should, like, bring old stuff back So we can, like, get rich.

Yeah.

Heh-heh.

We should, like, smuggle it in our butts And then sneak it out of here.

And then when we get home, We can take it out of our butts and sell it.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Heh-heh.

Uh, why would we put it up our butts, beavis? We can just carry it out of here.

Um, heh-heh, I don't know.

Huh-huh.

I saw it on msnbc lock-up raw And I thought it would be cool.

That's all.

Heh-heh.

Uh, okay, beavis.

Huh-huh.

Okay, beavis and butt-head, when we get inside, I wanna talk to you about your behavior earlier, M'kay? [sighs]

damn it.

Huh-huh.

We're back, and van driessen got born.

[both chuckling]

that sucks.

I thought we blocked him from scoring.

We should've kicked him in the nads and broke his weiner.

[both chuckling]

[slow rock music]

[slow upbeat music]

another sunny day, things are going my way gonna have some fun with my best friend [both chuckling]

we laugh and play and stroll through the park spend some time with a great big smile [both chuckling]

he's my bestest buddy one swell guy gonna have some fun with my best friend we always have a real good time [both chuckling]

everyone should have a buddy like mine [scatting]

[both chuckling]

[scatting continues]

Hello, ladies.

Security! [both chuckling]

Every day we go through this.

Now, stay out.

Uh Huh-huh.

[both chuckling]

Where should we go now, butt-head? Um, hehButt-head? Uh Whoa! [both chuckling]

The mall rules.

Oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

[sad music]

I'm sorry.

Heh, is snooki crying Or barfing? [bleep]

heh-heh.

"uh, what are you skanks crying about?" Huh-huh.

"what's the problem here?" Huh-huh.

Vinny will take care of you.

"yeah, yeah, what's it gonna be? The smoosh room, huh?" heh-heh.

The only people that I trust in this house Are you, pauly, and jenni.

Good.

We're here for you too.

UhThose are the only people she trusts, But they're not the only people she has sex with.

Huh-huh.

I love you.

I love you, too.

He's like my big brother.

I love him, but usually You don't have sex with your big brother.

Yeah.

[both chuckling]

She usually doesn't have sex with her big brother.

[both chuckling]

But you know, sometimes, you're dts, you know, And no one else is around, it's dark.

Heh-heh, yeah.

Mom and dad are at the movies.

[both chuckling]

Me and jenni wanted to do the hook-up board.

If you hooked up with this person, Then you could've possibly hooked up with this person, Just by swapping the spit.

It's not swapping spit Unless you do it one after the other.

So mike being with sam and ron, so-- This is, like, a family tree If your family was made of whores.

[both chuckling]

And mike swapped spit.

Mike being with angelina She's like, "this is all too complicated for me.

" Heh-heh.

"let's just all go down to the smoosh room And spit on each other.

" yeah.

I made out with you! Oh, yeah.

If they, like, did this chart long enough, They could find out where herpes began.

[both chuckling]

Oh, yeah.

Heh-heh.

Thanks for the help.

I'm a whore, hello.

That's how she answers the phone.

[both chuckling]

She should, like, um-- she should be a greeter.

Heh-heh.

Yeah.

"I'm a whore, welcome to costco.

" [both chuckling]

We're nymphos.

[both chuckling]

Hm? Hm! [both chuckling]

No.

C-come back! Ah! Ugh! Eh, boy.

You! Eh Uh [both chuckling]

Hm.

Come on.

Pick up the pace.

Yeah, we're getting bored over here, come on.

[both chuckling]

UhHello.

Oh, yeah.

Heh-heh.

Ooh.

Huh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

[both chuckling]

Oh! Oh, them! Them! Get them! Go! Bad for business! [both chuckling]

You're going to have to leave.

You do not have the right to block a pedestrian area.

Uh, how come they get to block a "pedestranian" area? Yeah, really.

[both chuckling]

Because they are running a business.

Now move along.

Now you go! You go to hell! Damn it.

That sucks.

What is a "pedestranian" anyway? UhI don't know.

But it won't matter if we're running a business.

Huh-huh.

What do you mean? Heh-heh.

Beavis We are going to be massagers.

Oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

We're businessmen.

[both chuckling]

Hey, baby.

Would you like to be touched? Ugh! [both chuckling]

You don't like it, you don't pay.

Heh-heh.

Eh Step right up.

Huh-huh.

Get one boob massaged, and the other one's free.

Yeah, heh.

And your butt too, yeah.

Heh-heh.

Three for the price of one.

Heh, yeah, heh-heh.

This sucks.

How come those guys have chicks lined up And we don't have anybody? Heh-heh.

UhMaybe it's because they're, like, chinese? Huh-huh.

I think chicks love chinese dudes.

Huh-huh.

Damn it.

Heh-heh.

It's, like, they should-- Ah! Ah! [metal banging]

Ow! Damn it, beavis.

You broke our chair.

Ow! Huh-huh.

Butthole.

[laughter]

Mm.

[both chuckling]

Yeah.

Uh It's, like, not the same.

It's like, it just reminds me That we almost touched real girls.

Yeah.

Heh-heh.

It just doesn't work anymore.

Yeah.

Heh-heh.

Damn it.

I used to love this mall.

Heh-heh.

Whoa! Hey, beavis, look.

They're gone.

This is our chance.

Huh-huh.

Um.

Eh, okay.

Act chinese, beavis.

Heh, okay.

Um, now you go! You go to hell! [both chuckling]

what hell you doing? [both chuckling]

That's all the chinese I know.

Oh, wait a minute! Um Me chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your coke.

Huh-huh.

That was pretty good, beavis.

[both chuckling]

Whoa.

[sighs]

I'm having some upper back pain And on my neck, So if you could just work on that, That would be great.

Huh-huh-huh-huh.

Ah! What the hell you doing? You try and take my business? Uh, yeah.

Huh-huh.

We wanna be massagers.

Huh-huh.

Okay, you two now massagers.

Uh, really? Ugh.

I'm ready.

I need to get my circulation going.

I got a real bad spell of the gout.

Probably that shellfish I ate.

Oh, god.

Beh.

Get to work! Ugh Uh, let's get out of here.

Hold on.

Okay Did you two have anything to do with Taking this guy's tools? They here with us whole time.

New employees! Massage this guy now.

Uh, no thanks.

The police are on their way.

Do you work here, yes or no? Show him! Show him you not thief.

You a massager! Massage! [footsteps approaching, keys jangling]

Uh, yeah.

We're massagers.

Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid Back up into my torso.

Uh, then rub the extremities Till they aren't so blue anymore.

Now don't mind that smell.

That's just the muscle eating the bone.

Uh Doctor said he's only heard Of it this bad in cattle before.

Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, Don't it? Uh [chuckles, cough]

oh, god.

Well He does have boobs.