09x11 & 09x12 - Virtual Stupidity / Locked Out

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- This is our most advanced
VR glasses yet

with almost no latency.

Try them on,

and you truly feel like you're
going inside the video game.

- Whoa.
Did you hear that, Beavis?

- Oh, yeah, he said, "Feel like
you're going inside."

[both chuckling]

- Uh, no, dumbass.

He said those glasses
make you feel like

you're going
inside a video game.

Let's try them, Beavis.

- I've always wanted to,
like, go inside a video game

and eat some coins and kick
Luigi in the nads.

Yeah, that would be cool.

- Uh, let's see here.

These ones look pretty cool.

[both chuckling]

- Just put these on here.
[chuckles]

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- These graphics are amazing.
- Wow.

- It looks like we're really
in some kind

of a mall or something.

- Yeah,
looks just like real life,

but it's a little bit darker.

It's amazing.
[both chuckling]

Whoa, look.
They even have a Hot Topic.

- This game kicks ass.

- It's really amazing. Yeah.

Let's go kick ass
on some noobs, yeah.

[plays pitch on piano]

- [hums pitch]

[plays pitch an octave down]

- Is he trying to teach singing or reading?

- I don't know, but I don't
wanna learn either one.

- Yeah, really.

- ♪ Mum mum mum mum-mum-mum,
mum mum mum mum ♪

[plays new key]

- [humming along]

Yeah, this is kinda catchy.

♪ Mum mum mum mum-mum-mum, mum mum mum mum ♪

- Yeah, that is kinda catchy.

It's like a song
about your mom.

♪ Beavis's mom, mom, mom,
mom is a slut ♪

[chuckles]

- No, you're off, Butt-Head.

♪ [brightly] Beavis's
mom-mom-mom, mom is a slut ♪

Wait a minute.
- [chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

- ♪ Na ba, na ba, na ba,
na ba ♪

- What's in that purple door back there?

It's got, like, a padlock on it. [chuckles]

- That's where he keeps his wife's skeleton.

[both chuckling]

- That's pretty dark,
Butt-Head.

- Uh, sorry, Beavis.

[chuckles] Just trying
to have a little fun.

- ♪ One two three, one two
three, one two three, one ♪

- Damn it, is he teaching counting now?

- ♪ One two three,
one two three, one ♪

- He's not even doing it right.

- Yeah. One, two, three, one?

- Yeah, it goes
one, two, three, four.

[chanting] b*at your meat
upon the floor.

b*at your meat.
both: b*at your meat.

Five, six, seven, eight,

b*at your meat
with a roller skate.

b*at your meat.
b*at your meat.

- , , , ...

both: b*at your meat
without resisting.

b*at your meat. b*at your meat.

- , , , .

b*at your meat,
you still got plenty.

both: b*at your meat.
b*at your meat.

- Uh...

Wait, what's nine, ten,
eleven, twelve?

- It's "nine, ten,
eleven, twelve,

"b*at your meat
until it swells.

b*at your meat.
b*at your meat."

- Now that's a good song. [chuckles]

You know who would sing
that song really good?

Adele.
[chuckles]

- Yeah, she'd be great,
you know?

Give it a woman's perspective, you know.

b*at your meat. b*at your meat.

[both chuckling]

- Whoa.
It really is realistic.

- It sure is, Beavis.

- Let's go, like,
look at stuff up close.

[chuckles]

- Whoa, check it out, Beavis.

It looks just like a real guy.

- And his butt looks
just like a real butt.

Wow. This technology has
really come a long ways,

you know what I'm saying?

Whoa, and you can
even interact with it, wow.

- Hey, back off, buddy.
What's wrong with you?

- They even programmed him
to act mad

when you stick your face
in his butt.

It's amazing.
It's just like a real mall.

[chuckles]

Ow.

It feels just like real pain.

How do they do it?

- Whoa. This is cool.

We're in the water level,
Beavis.

Check it out.
- Yeah.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

The water doesn't feel
that real.

Feels kinda fake, actually.

- I guess you have to, like,
pay extra for the pro model.

- Butt-Head, what are we
supposed to do in this game?

- You dumbass, don't you know
anything about video games?

We're supposed to, like,
go find some weapons,

and then at the end
of the level,

we k*ll a boss.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- I think we need to, like,
talk to some NPCs.

[chuckles]

- Hi, would you like to try
our blueberry mint tea?

- No. Can you, like,
give us a mission?

- Yeah, because
we just started this game,

and we need, like,
a flamethrower or something.

- What?
- We need a mission, dumbass.

Is there, like,
someone we can k*ll

and then you'll give us
a sword or something?

- Can you guys just go do this
somewhere else?

You can't just come up
to people trying to--

- Is there, like,
a button to press

so we can skip him talking?

- You can just come up to
people trying to do their job,

and just start saying weird...
- Hey, come on. Skip. Skip!

- To get a reaction.
- It's not working, Butt-Head.

- I don't wanna have
to call security.

That's not what I'm about,
you know, man?

- Skip. Come on, skip.

This interaction sucks.

- Let's go find a flamethrower

so we can come back
and blow him up.

- "I don't wanna have
to call security.

That's not what I'm about."

[both chuckling]

- So what do we do now,
Butt-Head?

- Uh, well, let's see.

We're on level two
of this game now,

so we probably have
some new powers.

- Cool. Like what?

- Uh...

I think we can go outside

and, like,
carjack a car or something.

- And go get a laser g*n
or, like, a battle axe. Yeah.

- Hmm. Let's see.

Which car should we jack?

- That one looks pretty good.

- Well, let's go carjack it.

- Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

[engine revs, both shout]

- Hey, hey, slow down.
[tires screech]

Hey, come back here.

- Damn it.
You screwed it all up, Beavis.

- Damn it.

This game is hard.

I wanna start over.

- Uh, yeah, good idea.

- How do we do that?

- We need to, like, die.

And then we can
come back to life

at the beginning
of the level and start over.

- Oh, yeah, cool.
[chuckles]

So how do we, like, die?

- Uh...

I got an idea, Beavis.

- Yeah? What is it?

Ah!

- [chuckles]

Uh...

You butthole,
you're still alive.

- Are you sure?

- Damn it, Beavis,
you suck at video games.

- Let me show you
how it's done.

Okay, here we go.

Just go ahead and--

Ooh! Uh!
[chuckles]

- Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- Uh, no.

I'm still alive.

Get back in your car
and run me over again, dumbass.

- [grunting]

- What are you doing?

- One more oughta do it.

[grunts]

[chill music]

- [humming]

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Didn't know that I could
dance like this ♪

- She dresses
like what stupid people

think smart people dress like.

- ♪ Maybe genetics in my DNA ♪

♪ Something in my brain ♪ - What is DNA again?

- Uh, that that stuff, like,

at a crime scene?

Like, if you have DNA,
it means you're guilty.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's why I never spank
my monkey near a crime scene.

You know? [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

That's pretty smart, Beavis.

- Oh, God.

Firemen.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

Those firemen, they're always, like,

like, being heroes.

And getting medals and stuff.

But all they do is just sit around and wait

and play checkers,

and, like,
do bachelorette parties.

And then as soon as I wanna burn something,

they come and put it out.

[both chuckling]

I remember the first time
I found out what firemen do.

I was little, and I was
in this vacant lot,

and I started a fire,

and then the firemen showed up,

and then they brought out
this firehose,

and I was like, yeah, cool,
a firehose, yeah.

But guess what comes out
of the firehose?

Just guess.
I want you to guess.

- Everyone knows what comes out
of a firehose.

- No, no,
it's not what you think.

I'll give you a hint.
It's not fire.

It's water! You believe that?

And then they just put it out,

and then they told me a bunch
of stuff of how fire is bad,

and then they took me back
to my mom.

You know, they should call them watermen. Yeah.

That's what I call them,

when I'm not calling them son of a b*tches.

- You thought firemen start fires?

- Yeah, I mean,

you know, the garbageman just, like,

spreads garbage everywhere.

I mean, why not?

I just thought, you know, the firemen.

I mean, they did save my life
four times, you know, so...

Yeah, maybe they're not all bad. I don't know.

Son of a b*tches.

[chuckles]

Never meet your heroes.

Whoa.

Whoa, I think it worked,
Butt-Head.

We d*ed, and we're at
the beginning of the level.

These glasses are amazing.

- Uh, Beavis?

- What?

- We're not wearing
the glasses.

- Oh. So we're not
in the game anymore?

- Uh, I guess not.

- Oh, so we're just, like,
in a hospital?

- Uh, looks like it.

- Damn it. This sucks.

- Uh, wait a minute.

There's the glasses.

- Whoa. It did work.

We're at the beginning
of the level.

- We're in some sort
of hospital-like room.

- Look, I've got a w*apon.

It's like a white club.
- Whoa.

I've got one too.

It's, like, a spear

with a bag on it.

Okay, Beavis.

Time to quit screwing around
and go k*ll everything we see.

- Oh, there you are.

Thank God you're alive.

I'm so sorry--
- Let's k*ll him, Beavis.

- What?
Look, I don't blame you--

- Die!
- Club his ass, Beavis.

- Ah! I understand why
you're angry.

Ah!

- Finally k*lling a boss, yeah!

- I'll let you hit me two more times, but that's it.

[thuds and shouts]

- Let's go k*ll the doctors.

- Yeah! Yeah!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- So, like, what should we do
when we get home?

- Let me think.

Hey, let's watch TV.

- Uh...

Oh, yeah.

That's a good idea.

This is gonna be cool.

- Yeah, TV, yeah.

- Uh, it won't open.

- Why not?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Oh, maybe
it's because I locked it.

- Damn it, Beavis.
Why did you do that?

- Well, I watched a movie
about a ghost,

and I got scared.

- What movie?

- It's called "Ghost."

Really scary.

- Uh, do you have a key?

- No.

- So how are we supposed
to get in?

- I figured
we could just knock.

You know, one of us
is usually there, you know?

- Uh, we're both out here,
Beavis.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]

I'll be damned.

- Stand back, Beavis.

I'm gonna kick it down,

and there's gonna be, like,

pieces of door
flying everywhere.

- Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
Cool.

[both chuckling]

- Ugh.

- Um, the door's still there,
Butt-Head.

- This door is strong.

- I'm gonna go check
the back door.

[both chuckling]

- Back door.

The back door
is the house's butt.

- [chuckles]

Back door.

- Damn it.

This house is pissing me off.

- Butt-Head,
maybe you should kick harder.

- Uh, okay, Beavis.

- Ah!
Cut it out, Butt-Head.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

[both grunting]

- Whoa.

That was cool.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Well, what are you
waiting for, Beavis?

Climb in.

Ladies first.

- Yeah, that's cool.
It's like we're breaking in.

Breaking in.

[ding]

Uh, I don't know, Butt-Head.

- This was your idea, Beavis.

- Oh, yeah.

It was my hose, yeah.
[chuckles]

- Hose.

[both chuckling]

Now get the hell in there,
Beavis.

- Wait a minute.
Wait, Butt-Head. No, no, wait.

Wait, wait, no, no.

- What's your problem,
buttmunch?

- No, no, no, no!

Ah!

My nads!

- Beavis, you dumbass.
What are you doing?

Guess I'll have to do this
myself.

- Ah!
- Ah!

- Damn it.

[both groaning]

- Butt-Head?

- Yeah?

- Do your nads hurt?

- Uh, yes.

- So do mine.

I'm gonna go in the house
and get a band-aid, Butt-Head.

Do you have a key?

- Beavis.

You're the dumbest of asses.

[gentle music]

- Dandelions.

- I like to blow on dandelions

'cause it messes up
other people's lawns.

It's, like, hard work,

but it's worth it to spread weeds.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, weeds are cool.

- ♪ But your mama always said ♪

♪ Look up into the skies ♪

♪ Find the sun
on a cloudy day ♪

- What's she saying?

"Mama always said
look up into the sky"?

- My mom never said
anything like that.

- Yeah, really, neither did mine.

Be like, "Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu.

"Get out of here, and close the door.

Don't slam it."

- ♪ Mama always said
that she's hungover ♪

♪ Just make yourself
some cheerios ♪

- ♪ Mama always said
there's food in the fridge ♪

♪ I'll be back
in about two weeks ♪

You think this is, like,

like, from a new Pixar movie or something?

- Uh, this is cooler than Pixar.

Pixar sucks.

- Oh, oh, Butt-Head,

Butt-Head, Butt-Head.

I got something to say.

[chuckles]

- Go ahead, Beavis.

- Yeah, I was just thinking,

you know,
'cause you said "Pixar."

I was just thinking...
[chuckling]

Dixar.

[giggles]

- God damn it, Beavis,
you still got it.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, thanks, Butt-Head.

You know, sometimes, you know,

it just comes to me.

I don't know where it comes from, you know?

- Don't even question where it comes from, Beavis.

It is a gift.

But also a responsibility.

Uh, do you have any other good ones?

- Well, you know, I was thinking of one.

You know, like, instead of "DreamWorks,"

it would be Shlong-Works.

Yeah, I don't know.
I guess that's not very good.

- Ugh.

It sure isn't, Beavis.

That's worse than not very good.

That's horrible.

You're back
to being worthless.

[chuckles]

You ruined everything.

- Come on, Butt-Head.

I mean, Dixar is still pretty good, right?

- Dixar was a long time ago, Beavis.

I don't even know if that's funny anymore.

- Okay, Beavis,
here's the deal.

We put one end of the chain
on Mr. Anderson's truck,

and the other end
on our doorknob,

and then when he drives away,

he'll pull off our door.

- Pull off.
[chuckles]

- Now go put the other end
on our doorknob.

[chuckles]
Knob.

[doorbell rings]

- Can I help you fellas?

- Uh, some kids, like,
keyed your truck.

- My brand new truck?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, we saw them
run down the street.

They took your chain too.

- Yeah.

You can probably catch them
if you get in your truck

and go, like,
really fast that way.

- Well, then that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

It's probably
those two damn boys,

Bufford and Bernardo.

- Uh, yeah.

Probably.

- Yeah, it was Bernardo!

- Marcy, it's that Bernardo
and Bufford again.

I'm gonna go get them.

- [chuckles]
Look at him.

[both chuckling]

Beavis, you dumbass.

You were supposed to put
the other end of the chain

on the doorknob.

- I did, yeah.
Yeah, it's on the door knob.

- It's in your hand, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.
I guess I forgot. Yeah.

- Go put it on now, butthole.
Hurry up.

- Boy, when I catch
those two boys,

I'm liable to take them
to the woodshed,

I'll tell you what.

- Hurry the hell up, Beavis.

- What?

What'd you say?
I couldn't hear you.

- I said hurry up,
you ass-wagon.

Get over there.

- Well, I don't see
where they keyed it,

but those boys wouldn't lie.

Not like those other two.

- [chuckles]
Bernardo.

[grunts]

[engine starts]

Uh-oh.

- That damn
Bufford and Bernardo.

Boy, I shouldn't be driving
when I'm this mad.

- [grunts] Damn it.

I'll just put it
on this knob right here.

[chuckles]

Knob.

- We'll be in our house
in no time, Beavis.

- Yeah.

[tires squeak]
- What the hell?

This is a brand new truck
with -foot pounds of torque.

Well, time to kick it
into all-wheel drive.

both: Whoa.

- That was cool.
- Yeah.

- We got in.

- Yeah,
it's like we worked together,

and we did it.

Feels pretty good, yeah.

- And now the house looks cool.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Boy, these new engines
just purr like a kitten,

I tell you what.

Now where the hell are those
two son of a bitching bastards?

[sirens wailing] - Pull over!

- Are you boys looking
for Bufford and Bernardo--

- Get out of the car!
Make a T!

- Make a what now?

Ah!

- Hands on your head.

[smacks and grunts]

- This hole really kicks ass.

- I wouldn't take that attitude
if I were you, officer.

- He's got a g*n!
Yeah, take him down.

Mess him up.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.