09x15 & 09x16 - Two Stupid Men / Freaky Friday

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both snickering]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

you've heard all the evidence.

The man before you is accused
of serious crimes.

And now he will be judged
by you,

a jury of his peers.

- [snickering]
Pee-ers.

[both chuckling]

- You may begin
your deliberations.

I have faith in you.

[both chuckling]

- Okay, the evidence
is pretty overwhelming.

It clearly shows the defendant
robbed a Maxi-Mart at gunpoint,

threw a keg of beer
through the front window,

and got away with $
and five cartons of cigarettes.

- Whoa, that guy sounds pretty
cool.

I wanna meet him.

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, they should've brought
him to this trial.

Wouldn't have been so boring.

- He was at the trial.

He was sitting at that table
the whole time,

- You mean that guy
in the black dress?

- That old wuss robbed a store?

- No, that's the judge.

The defendant robbed the store.

- Oh.

Well, the defendant kicks ass.

- Okay.

Well, we all heard
the eyewitness

and saw the surveillance video.

Unless anyone objects,

I think we should go ahead
and vote on all counts.

Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty.

- Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty.

- Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Uh, not guilty.

- Yeah, yeah, not guilty.
Yeah, that's right.

- What do you mean
he's not guilty?

- Uh, I'm gonna, like,
vote for him

'cause he's, like, cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, 'cause he did
all those cool crimes.

You guys saw it.

- So you believe
he did the crimes.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- They were cool.

- So then
that means he's guilty.

- That's your opinion, ma'am.

- Wh--what are you saying?

- Uh, what I'm saying is
this guy's cool.

He did kick-ass crimes.

- Yeah, he was brave.

I'd like to see any of you
try those cool crimes.

- But that's what the word
"guilty" means.

He did the crimes.

So both of you are voting
"guilty," right?

- Boy, Butthead,
this lady just doesn't get it.

Wow.
- Yeah.

I guess we're gonna be here
a while.

- So we get $ a day for this?
That's not bad.

- ♪ Whores in this house ♪

♪ There's some whores in this house ♪

♪ There's some whores in this house ♪

♪ There's some whores in this house ♪

♪ There's some whores in this house ♪

- This looks like one of those videos

where they're trying to sell a house.

- Yeah, like that time we went to that open house

to get free cookies

and they made us watch a video.

- ♪ Ah ♪

- Yeah. She was like,

"Can I answer any questions about the property?"

- Yeah, yeah. "Um, I was wondering,

are there any whores
in this house?"

- "Yes, there are.

There are several whores in this house."

- "The house does include
a big ol' butt on the wall,

"and lots of boobs.

And a tiger."

- "Oh, and the tigers
are also whores.

And they are included."

- "The schools are fantastic,

"there's some whores
in this house,

and the roof is brand new."

- ♪ Ah ♪

- "The house also has an Olympic-sized pool

that's one foot deep."

- "Yeah, it's great for little kids

"or whores, you know.

Or both, you know."

- "Uh, ma'am, I have a question
about the plumbing.

I've heard it can get
wet and gushy in here."

- "Uh, yes, sir, it can,

"and that's just because of the whores, you know.

There are some whores in this house, you know."

- ♪ Macaroni in a pot,
that's some wet and gushy ♪

- You know, that's really
disgusting, Butthead.

I mean, it's okay for grownups

but they should make
a clean version of this song.

You know, like, "damp vag*na," or--I mean, not that,

but you know, like-- but maybe that.

I mean, you know, "damp vag*na,"

kinda has a ring to it, you know.

Kinda romantic.

- Well, I wish we had
some whores in this house.

- I guess.

I don't even know where we'd
put 'em though, you know?

Does this couch fold out?

- Uh...I don't know.

It doesn't matter anyway.

There's no whores in this house.

- All right, let's go through
the charges one at a time.

First, the charge of
attempted manslaughter.

- "Manslaughter,"
that's pretty cool.

Manslaughter.
[both snickering]

- The eyewitness says he saw--
- Manslaughter!

- The eyewitness says--
- The slaughter of man!

[both snickering]

Sorry, sorry. Go--go ahead.
Proceed.

- The eyewitness says
he saw the defendant

point the g*n directly--
- Manslaughter!

- God dammit!
Will you shut the hell up?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.

It's just, you know,
"manslaughter."

- Maybe if we watch
the surveillance video again

it'll help these two
make up their minds.

- Good idea.

- Oh, hey, hey, check it out.

It's that cool guy again.
- Yeah.

Maybe he'll actually sh**t
someone this time.

- Yeah, and then he'll be
guilty of manslaughter.

- This is the same video
you already watched.

Just shut up and pay attention.

- Wait, I see something.

Stop the tape.

Don't you all see that?
[groans]

Look closer.

- Wait a second. He's right.

Look at his neck tattoo.

It's different than
the defendant's.

- It's the same.
It's a devil tattoo.

- No, look,
those horns are curved.

The defendant's
has straight horns,

- That tattoo kicks ass,

but what I saw was something
even more important.

Take a closer look.

This guy's butt cr*ck
is showing.

[both snickering]

- He's just walking around
with his butt hanging out.

- It was in the courtroom.

- Right, that's the eyewitness.

He said he could clearly
identify the defendant,

but look where he is.

There's no way
he could've gotten a good look.

- Oh, my God,
he's blocked by the shelves.

He can't see a thing.

- Well, I'll be.

- Everyone saw his butt.

[both snickering]

- His butt was on the news.

This changes everything.
It's an open and shut case.

- Well, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think we owe
these two jurors our thanks

for making us slow down and
consider all the evidence.

Without them, we would've sent
an innocent man to jail.

Let's vote again.

Not guilty.
- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.
- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.
- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.

- Not guilty.
- Not guilty.

- Guilty.

- Yeah, guilty.

- But you helped us prove
he's not the right guy.

- Exactly.

He pretended to be cool,

and for that,
he must pay the price.

- Yeah, put him in the slammer!

You can't just go around
and pretend to be cool

and have cops arrest you

just so that
the chicks will be impressed

and then come in here
in a black dress

and bang a hammer
all over the place.

No way!

I'm tired of coddling
these people.

And they're a burden
on the system!

- God dammit.

- That's what
I'm talking about.

Just makes me feel
manslaughter.

- How to escape if
you're zip tied to a tree.

Both your hands and your feet.

All right,
so what we're gonna do is,

like my other videos,

I'm gonna drive my elbows back

towards the side of my ribcage.

- What's she talking about, Butthead?

- This is, like,
a helpful video

trying to teach people how to, uh--

how to, uh, tie their shoes or something.

- Yeah, I should pay attention.

'Cause, like, I tied my shoes
like three years ago

and I just, like, put 'em on
and take 'em off,

you know, like, already tied.

Yeah, I don't have time for
that, you know.

- Oh, really? So do I.

- Oh, wow, really?

We should hang out
or something.

- So we're gonna tie
both shoelaces,

okay, into a knot.
See how I've done that?

- Uh, no, I don't see.

- You know, whenever anyone
explains anything to me,

and they ask if I understand,

I always say yes,
but I never understand.

- Uh, really?

You've never understood
anything?

- Nope.

Never.

Never have, never will.

[both snickering]

- You know, um, you know, people think I do

because, like,
when they're talking,

you know, I just go,
"Uh-huh, yeah, mm-hmm.

Okay, seems reasonable."

But really I'm just trying
to make 'em stop talking,

you know, and eventually,
it always works.

And they have no idea

that everything just went in
one ear and out the other.

- I couldn't drive my legs
obviously, because my--

- You know, um, I think understanding things is, like,

overrated, you know, 'cause, um--

'cause here I am.

I'm doing just fine, you know.

Out here killin' it.

[smacks lips, sighs]

- Stay safe.

- The suspect in the Highland Maxi-Mart robbery,

Darryl Britney Williamson, went free today

after his trial ended in a hung jury.

The decision came as a shock-- - Whoa, "hung jury"?

She's talking about us, Beavis.

- Whoa! How'd they know?

I didn't pull
my schlong out once.

I mean, I don't think I did.

Oh, wait, maybe--yeah.

- Authorities now believe
he is responsible

for a string of manslaughters

committed immediately
upon his release.

He remains at large.

- We ran out of our $
of beer, Butthead.

How do we get on jury duty
again?

- Uh...

I think we have to, like,
rob a store or something.

- Eh, I'm kinda tired,
Butthead.

Let's do it tomorrow.

[can crunches]
- First thing tomorrow.

- Yep.

[both snoring]

[heavy thud]

[coughs]

[can crunches]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both snickering]

- Remember that movie
we saw yesterday,

"Freaky Friday"?

- Uh, yeah.

This chick and her mom
switched bodies

because the chick wanted
bigger thingies.

And then they learned a lesson.

- So, um, how did they
change bodies though?

[soda fizzing]

- Uh, there was like
a big flash of light

and then the girl
was like, "whoa"

and then the mom
was like, "whoa"

and then they were like--
[both grunt]

[mystical music]

- 'Scuse me.

- Whoa.

- What just happened?

- Uh, I don't know.

There was like
a big flash of light

and then I was like, "whoa."

And then you were like--

whoa.
- Whoa.

Um, Butthead,

you're not gonna believe
what my reflection looks like.

- You're not gonna believe
what my reflection looks like.

- Did we just, like,
switch bodies?

- Whoa. Maybe we did.

Uh, okay, let me try something.

Do you think nachos taste good?

- Yes, yes, I do.
- Whoa, that's my thing.

- Uh, let me think of one.

Um, do you want to score
all the time?

- I sure do.
- Whoa!

- Do you like cool things
and you hate stuff that sucks?

- Whoa! Amazing!

- It has happened.

I'm Beavis and you're Butthead.

I'm a dumbass.

- Alonzo.

- Here.

- Beavis?
- Here.

- Butthead.

- Yeah, I'm here too.

- Boys, when I take attendance,

I'd prefer you call
your own names, mmkay?

- We did, sir.

- Yeah, see, um--

see, we like, switched
identi-stries yesterday.

So, like, he's Beavis
and I'm Butthead.

Right, Butthead?

- I'm Beavis, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.

And I'm Butthead.

I'm just gonna write the first
letter of my name on my hand

so I don't forget.
There we go.

- Oh, yeah.

Good idea, Butthead.

You're a lot smarter than me.

- Okay, guys,

I understand what you must be
going through, mmkay?

Identity is a very powerful
issue for adolescents,

and I want you to know that

you have my full support on
your journey.

- Thank you, Mr. Van Driessen.

I appreciate it,

even though I'm a total dumbass
named Beavis.

- You're very welcome.

- Beavis--
I'm sorry, Butthead,

do you need to go
to the bathroom?

- I do but, um--but I don't
wanna touch Beavis' wiener.

- You better not.
Leave my wiener alone, dumbass.

- Wait a minute,
maybe it's Butthead's wiener?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just gonna play it safe

and pee in your pants.

- Don't pee in my pants,
butthole.

- Sorry, Beavis.

I don't have a lot of options,
you know what I'm saying?

It's the only thing
that makes sense.

I'm gonna have to go ahead
and poop in your pants too.

- I'm gonna get you for this,
Butthead.

Watch this.

Uh, excuse me, everyone.

My name is Butthead
and I'm a dumbass

and please never score with me
because it'll suck.

Did you see what I did there?

I made you look ridiculous.

- Dammit!
I'm gonna k*ll you, Butthead!

Wait a minute.

I mean, I'm gonna k*ll you,
Beavis!

[both grunting]

- Mmkay, identity is very
important.

Dobson?
- Here.

- Dammit, I don't like
being you, Beavis.

It sucks.
- Settle down, Butthead.

- Ah!

Wait a minute,
you just hit yourself, Beavis.

- Uh...oh, yeah.

- Yeah, check this out.

I'm hitting you.

Ah!

Ow!

- Cut it out, Butthead

- You don't like this,
do you, Beavis?

Ah! Ow.
Yeah, see.

- That's it, Butthead.

I'm kicking your ass.

- Cut it out, Beavis.
- [groaning]

- Son of a bitch.

[loud thudding]
Ah! Take that, butthole!

[shouts]

[grunting]

- Dammit, Butthead,
you brought this on yourself.

[snap]

[grunting]
Do you give up yet?

- Never!
[snickering]

Ugh, ow, ah!

What about now?

- No way!

Ugh, ugh, ow!

- Keep going. See if I care!

- [grunting]

Switching bodies sucks.
- Yeah, really.

You're not the guy
who just got his balls hit

with a broomstick
like times.

- ♪ Got my driver's license
last week ♪

♪ Just like
we always talked about ♪

- You know, when I get my driver's license,

I'm not gonna, like, sit in
my room

and play a tiny piano.

I'm gonna go out and tear ass
all over the place.

[chuckles]

Run stuff over!

And speed.

[both snickering] - Yeah.

- And another thing.

You know how everyone's driver's license pictures

look all dorky?

They're all like...
[groans]

Mine's gonna look cool.

I'm gonna look like this.
Check it out.

- Uh, you sure are ugly,
Beavis.

Mine's gonna be cool. I'm gonna look like this.

Check it out.

Okay, here we go.

- ♪ Never felt this way ♪

- That's not really very good,
Butthead.

- Beavis,
I'm gonna "not very good"

the backside of your ass.

- You know what license I always wondered

how you get? A license to k*ll.

You know, the , like James Bond.

How do you get one of those?

- Uh, I think first
you have to get, like,

a learner's permit to k*ll,
when you're .

- Oh, yeah.

- And then there's, like, a written test.

- I don't do good on written tests

but, um, that's one thing I might actually, like,

go to school for and, like, take a test,

you know, because, um--

because that would be cool, you know.

'Cause then, like, when a cop pulls you over,

and he's like, "Excuse me, sir,
the reason I pulled you over is

"you just k*lled somebody
back there.

"Do you have your license
to k*ll on you, sir?

And your registration, please."

- Yeah, and then
I just sh**t him.

[chuckles]

- No, that won't work, Butthead.

He's probably got a b*llet proof vest and he won't die

and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble.

- You're right, Beavis.

v*olence is never the answer.

Choose to diffuse.

- Exactly. [both snickering]

- Peace. [chuckles]

[both snickering]

- Um, hey, Beavis, there he is.

- Okay, Butthead.
Now the only way to switch back

is to get that guy
to kick our ass again.

- Um, hey, uh--
hey, how's it going?

Um, would you mind, like,

kicking our asses, please?

- Lucas,
do you know these kids?

- Yeah, he kicked our ass
yesterday.

- He, like, banged our heads
together.

[chuckling]
I said "head."

[all laugh]

- You said "bang" too.

- That's a good one.

Look, the old me would love to

bash your stupid heads
together, fellas.

But since I met Debbie,

I don't solve my problems
with v*olence no more.

- Proud of you, hon.

- She taught me to see things

from the other person's
point of view.

That sometimes,
you just need to find a way

to walk a mile
in the other guy's shoes,

and then you'll realize--

okay, she can't see us.
Here we go.

[grunting]

Coming, honey!

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

- Uh, whoa.

What happened?

- Did we switch back?

- Uh, check the letters
on our hands.

- My letter got smeared
or something.

- Uh, mine too.

I guess we'll never know.

- So, um, which one am I now,

Beavis or Butthead?

- Uh, who cares?

What difference does it make?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Did we learn a lesson?

- I sure hope not.

[both snickering]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.

[resonant chord]