- ♪ MTV ♪
[both chuckling]
[rock music]
♪ ♪
[snacks crunching]
- Um, Butt-Head?
Um...how come we never score?
- Uhh...
I don't know.
- I mean, other people score,
you know?
It just doesn't make any sense.
[chuckles]
- Sure doesn't. [chuckles]
- Maybe there's a reason
we never score.
Like, maybe somebody up there
doesn't want us to score.
Like...up there. Above.
In, like, the heavenly clouds
or something.
[chuckles]
- Uhh...
what are you talking about,
Beavis?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess you're right.
There's nobody up there.
[chuckles]
Whoa! [heavenly chorus]
Whoa, Butt-Head. Butt-Head!
Hey, check it out.
- What?
- In my chip, look.
It's that guy. [chuckles]
- What guy?
- That guy.
You know, the guy who's
Jesus or--
or, like, Christ or something.
[chuckles]
- You dumbass,
that's not Jesus.
That's, like, that hippie
from the Beatles or something.
- Shut up, Butt-Head.
[chuckles]
It is a sign. [chuckles]
A sign that Jesus has appeared
in these nachos
to help me score.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- ♪ Brushed my hair,
went downstairs ♪
♪ Favorite jeans on my rear ♪
♪ And I looked up
in my mirror ♪
- She's got one of those things on
that you wore that time someone drew wieners
all over your face. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I cut holes out just like that, yeah.
[chuckles]
You know, I never figured out
who did it.
It's like one minute
we're sitting here watching TV,
and then I fall asleep on the couch.
And then the next thing I know,
I wake up and there's schlongs
all over my forehead and face.
[chuckles]
And no one else was here.
I mean, except you, of course.
And the door was locked.
And it just doesn't make
any sense.
- [snickers]
- But I'm gonna figure it out
because whoever did it
made one mistake.
They wrote "BH"
underneath the schlongs.
[both chuckle]
The "BH," I think, stands for,
"Beavis, hello."
You know, which is nice,
but, you know--
But who would say hello?
I mean, except you, of course.
[chuckles] Just can't think
of anybody.
But I'm gonna figure it out.
- [snickers] You're a dumbass.
[chuckles]
- ♪ Attitude, attitude, attitude, attitude ♪
♪ Attitude, attitude ♪
- Sometimes, like, when you say a word
over and over again like she is,
you forget what it means.
- Oh, yeah. Let me try.
[chuckles]
Attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude.
[chuckles] Yeah, I don't know
what "attitude" means.
I don't think I knew
what it meant
before though, you know?
[chuckles]
- If I, like, kept saying "Beavis" over and over again,
you wouldn't mean anything.
You know, like,
Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- C'mon, don't do that,
Butt-Head.
- Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- It's not gonna work,
Butt-Head.
- Beavis, Beavis, Beavis. - Can you stop doing that,
Butt-Head? - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Butt-Head, I'm serious. Don't do that.
- Beavis, Beavis, Beavis. - C'mon, stop.
Whoa. C'mon, stop. - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Stop it, Butt-Head, c'mon.
- Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Wait a minute, who am I?
- Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Did I disappear? - Hey, Beavis. Beavis.
- Do I exist? - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Say something else.
Say any other words, like--
- Beavis.
- Like, Beavis.
I mean... - Beavis, Beavis, Beavis.
- Just say anything.
Any other words but that. C'mon. [chuckles]
- Uh, okay. [chuckles]
I drew wieners
all over your face.
[chuckles]
- Ohh!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]
Yeah, I finally solved
the case.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- ♪ So what I got a attitude? ♪
- Damn it, Beavis,
that isn't Jesus
on your nachos chip.
And if he was gonna help
anyone score it'd be me
because I'm better-looking.
[chuckles]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Butt-Head, check it out!
It's another sign, see?
Maybe to score, we have to go
into that church
and, like--like, sing
Christmas songs or something.
- Damn it, Beavis,
you're never gonna score
if you keep acting weird.
- No way, Butt-Head, shut up.
I'm tired of listening to you.
From now on,
I'm listening to Him.
[chuckles]
- Who?
- The Lord. [chuckles]
- That's not the Lord, dumbass.
That's that chick
who never scored.
- No way, that's him.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- Quit being all weird.
I'm gonna eat your magic chip
so you'll shut up--
- [grunts]
- [groans]
- No way, Butt-Head.
From now on,
I'm listening to Him, butthole.
And, soon, I shall score.
[chuckles]
- [groaning]
- So it shall be.
[chuckles] Boi-oing.
- [groaning]
- And he said unto me,
"Get on down."
[chuckles]
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, let's see. Where is he?
Oh, there he is.
Damn it, Lord,
am I gonna score or not?
[chuckles] I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
Do I, like, leave money
under my pillow or something?
Or, I don't know, just like--
like, what's the deal here?
C'mon. [chuckles]
- Welcome, my son.
Looking for answers?
Perhaps I can help.
- So, Your Honor, um--
I want to know how I can get
Jesus to help me out
if you know what I'm saying.
[chuckles]
- To study the nature
of the Christ,
I could refer you to any number
of papal encyclicals.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- But I would suggest
you start
with the Christavideas Lavadicci,
'cause it is addressed
specifically to the laity.
- Okay, that's sounds good.
[chuckles] "Lay."
[snickers]
- It was written
by Pope John Paul II
after a special synod
of bishops in Rome.
The seventh such synod
since Vatican II.
- Vatican II?
Is that, like, when Iron Man
kicked that guy's ass?
I didn't get what was going on
in that movie, you know?
- I don't often get
a chance to go to the cinema.
Anyway, Christavideas is a powerful statement
redefining the role
of the laity,
which is nothing less
than the transformation
of the entire temporal order.
[chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]
That's, uh--yeah. [chuckles]
Uh-huh.
- I know
what you're going to say--
that would make it the boldest
papal pronouncement
since Quia Nonnumquam. [chuckles]
But let's take it easy before
we all get excommunicated.
[laughs] Yes.
- [chuckles] Yeah, really.
Or something.
- Anyway, you're going to want
to read this as well.
- Yeah, yeah, I guess,
maybe, you know.
I'll take a look, you know.
[chuckles]
I'm just gonna go ahead
and put these here.
They'll be safe. [chuckles]
Nonumquam. [chuckles]
- That's a cool logo, yeah.
[chuckles]
Give this a try. [chuckles]
So, um, Father,
I was
at one of your other branches
and couldn't really understand
what the guy was saying.
And, um, I just have
some questions about Jesus.
- Jews actually don't believe
in Jesus as the Messiah.
Our religion teaches
that the Messiah
has not yet come.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I see.
So, um--so what does Jesus
want me to do?
Like, how do I get him
to use his magic powers?
- Again, as a Jew,
Jesus is not part of my faith.
- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, wow, um--
so how tall was Jesus,
you think?
- Well, that's a good question.
But I think
it's probably better posed
to someone
of the Christian faith.
But I'd love to answer
any questions you have
about Judaism.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
I understand.
Yeah, um, so is it weird
for Jesus
that he has the same name
as the Christmas baby?
- That's not really a question
about Judaism.
- Oh, right, right.
[chuckles]
So, Your Honor, um,
it's cool if you say no,
and don't get mad, but, um,
is it okay if I ask you
a question
that's not about Jesus?
[chuckles]
- Yes.
- Okay, yeah, um--
it would have been nice
to know that before, you know,
but, um, anyway...
Um, is there a guy
inside Iron Man?
- [takes deep breath]
Okay, Stark Industries
was founded in
by Howard Stark,
Tony Stark's father.
- Uh-huh.
- And it quickly grows to be
the biggest, high-tech arms
manufacturer on the planet.
- Huh?
- When Tony Stark takes over
as CEO, he gets kidnapped
in Afghanistan.
Let me show you where that is
on the map.
- Oh, boy.
- So Tony's gonna have to invent an arc reactor.
- This sucks. [chuckles]
- [inhales deeply]
Gonna get my napkin ready
just in case anything falls...
- Whoa, she's really gonna eat ten Big Macs in a row?
[chuckles] - I'm really glad...
- Uh, no, she's probably
just gonna, like,
lecture us on how fast food
is bad for you.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's probably just gonna,
like, yell at us
about meat and America
and "meat is m*rder."
- Go. - [chuckles]
- Uh, wait a second.
I think she's really gonna do it.
- Whoa. Yes.
Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything.
Yeah, yeah. - Yes.
Yes. - Whoa, yeah, yeah.
- Ooh, that's good.
- Yeah, get it. Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
both: Go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Go. Yes. - Go, yeah, yeah.
- [chuckles]
- This is great.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life.
- Yeah. Ooh, yeah.
- [chuckles]
- Look at that. Just look at that.
[chuckles]
- Whoa. I think she's gonna drink
that whole thing of Coke. - Shut up, Butt-Head.
I just want to sit here
and watch this girl
eat hamburgers.
This is
the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. Yeah.
[chuckles] - Okay, Beavis. [chuckles]
It is amazing.
- It sure is.
You know, um--
normally, you know, I see
a girl like this, you know,
and I just think I want
to score with her, but, um,
now I want to just, like,
settle down with her, you know?
And, like--and get married.
And, um... [chuckles]
And have a couple kids.
And hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but, um--
Yeah, and if Big Macs are
more important,
then, you know, she can have
all the Big Macs she wants
and I'll understand,
you know...[chuckles] That that comes first.
You know? [chuckles]
- Okay, Beavis.
- Maybe I could score with her
after she's really full, you know? [chuckles]
You know, the th Big Mac
is Beavis. Yeah.
[chuckles] Me.
- Uh, I think I'm in love,
Beavis.
And I'm gonna have
to kick your ass for her.
[chuckles]
- Shut up, Butt-Head, c'mon. [chuckles]
- I would drive all the way
to New Zealand to get her.
[chuckling]
- Okay, she's in the home stretch, now.
It's down to the last three. C'mon. [chuckles]
- At this point, it's all mental. [chuckles]
- You don't eat
those last three Big Macs
with your mouth.
You eat them with your heart.
She has the heart of a champion. [chuckles]
- And it is completely
clogged with beef fat.
[snickers]
- Shut up, Butt-Head.
[chuckles]
That's my wife
you're talking about.
- [burps] I feel--
[burps] - My woman.
[chuckles] - [burps] Pardon me.
- And then I went to a place
called a mosque or something.
But they did not want
to talk about Jesus.
Wow. [chuckles]
- Your dumbass nacho isn't
gonna help us score, Beavis.
- No way. I still believe
He will help me score.
[chuckles]
C'mon. Just give me a sign.
Any kind of sign.
- Hey, Bobby!
Bobby and Broderick!
- Whoa. [chuckles]
- It's Audrey
from your homeroom.
I am so glad
to see you guys here.
- No chick has ever said
that to us.
It is a miracle. [chuckles]
- I've noticed you guys, like,
talk about sex all the time.
Like, it's all you think about.
And it's getting in the way
of your studies
and making other friends.
- It sure is, baby.
[both chuckle]
- I think what we do here
could really help you
get over that
and start living
your best life.
- Totally.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, wait a minute.
I see what's going on here.
You're saying
you're gonna help us score?
- It really helped me
with my SAT scores,
if that's what you mean.
Come on it. It'll be fun.
[girls giggling]
- We're gonna score.
[chuckles]
- Hallelujah.
[both snickering]
- ♪ Whatever you give life
you will get back ♪
♪ Why be a wallflower ♪ - You know that thing
she just said, um,
"whatever you give life
you'll get back"?
Um, everybody's
always saying that.
And, um--
and it's just not true
because, um--because I, like,
just keep giving and giving
and trying and everything sucks.
And, um--[chuckles]
There's no life.
And, um--yeah, yeah, anyway.
I just wanted to say
something about that, yeah.
[both chuckle]
- That would be a cool song,
Beavis. [chuckles]
You know, about how life sucks.
- Yeah, yeah, I mean,
if I could score just one time,
I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, okay.
There's something."
Yeah.
I'm not asking for a lot. Just one time, yeah.
Yeah, it could be with anyone.
It could be with her, it could be with her,
it could be with her.
It could be anyone. Oh, not her, though. No.
[chuckles] She has fake hair.
She's all phony, yeah. [chuckles]
- Uh, those are all the same chick, Beavis.
- Then any of them,
or all of them,
or the same one. I don't care.
[chuckles]
All I need is-- whoa, a cheeseburger.
[chuckles]
Yeah, that looks pretty good right about now.
[chuckles, sighs]
Yeah, I think I'm just hungry, you know?
I get like this when I'm hungry.
I might go get
a cheeseburger, Butt-Head.
- [chuckles]
- Kick ass.
- [snickering]
Dumbass.
- Welcome
to our abstinence circle.
Audrey, can you introduce us
to your new friends?
- Pastor Travis,
Bobby and Broderick are
excited to hear
about sexual abstinence.
- Excited to hear it,
excited to do it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, sexual abbisance.
Yeah.
Boi-oi-oi-oing.
[snickers]
- Yeah, yeah. Cool.
See, the culture and the media
can give you a lot of BS
about sex, right?
But in here, we keep it real.
- Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
- [chuckles]
- I want it real.
- Yeah.
- Right now.
- Right on, right on.
Well, why don't we hear it
from you peers?
Who's ready to do a share?
- I'll go.
I was a little scared
of abstinence at first.
I wasn't sure I could do it.
- We're here to support you.
[chuckles]
- Aw, thanks.
But now, I feel
filled up with joy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Yeah, filled.
- Joy.
[both chuckle]
- Yeah. Thanks to abstinence,
now I can really get
to know people deep down.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah, deep down.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- And the best part is
you're not alone.
We're doing it with you.
- That's the point, dumbass.
- All of us together.
- Yeah, yeah.
All of us, yeah, yeah.
Except him, yeah. [chuckles]
All at the same time, yeah.
[chuckles]
- Sounds pretty good, huh?
So what'll it be?
Are you ready?
Ready to get on top of all
those sexual urges and desires
and really feel fulfilled?
- Can we do it right now, sir?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, right now. Yeah!
- You can choose abstinence
right now.
- Yes!
- Uh...
- What are we waiting for?
- Bro...
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do
some sexual abbisance.
- Whoa, relax, bro.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, let's all get naked.
- Get off the chair, bro.
- Aah!
- Oh, dear.
[mystical music]
- Wow, where am I?
Is this part of scoring?
Am I dead?
What's going on?
Give me an answer, somebody.
Somebody, please.
[bell chimes]
- The answer lies
in an apostolic exhortation
from Pope John Paul called Perfectae Caritatis.
[bell chimes]
- Did I mention that Tony Stark
had to invent an arc reactor?
- Yeah, you said that already.
[bell chimes]
- With respect, Rabbi,
I'd already invented
the arc reactor.
What I did in Afghanistan was
engineer it
into a smaller form factor.
- You're splitting hairs.
- Damn it, enough. [chuckles]
Can somebody please tell me
what's going on?
Am I scoring right now?
[chuckles]
Or did I just score?
- No.
[bell chimes]
You are not scoring, my child.
You will never score.
- Assuredly not, no.
- Wow, Jesus makes
a good point.
- Yeah, he'll never score.
- [grunts]
Yeah, that sucks. [grunts]
- [laughs]
Just get that from you.
[chuckles]
[crunching] Still fresh.
[chuckles]
[lounge music]
- Ew, look at that. That's disgusting.
Who would do that? [chuckles] Who would eat a salad?
[chuckles]
- Yeah, I would never do that.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- Uh, what kind of lizard, dragon thing is this anyway?
[chuckles]
- It's a white-throated monitor lizard, Butt-Head.
[chuckles]
- Uh, what? [chuckles]
- It's a white-throated
monitor lizard.
Yeah. [chuckles]
- How do you know, Beavis?
- [chuckles] I don't know.
I like lizards.
Yeah, yeah, it's, like, um--
like, one of my passions.
You know, like, um,
spanking my monkey.
You know, and, um-- and fire, of course.
And, um--[chuckles] And lizards.
Yeah. [chuckles] Yep.
- [chuckles] Passion.
- You know what really pisses me off?
How come this lizard gets
to have dinner
with a hot chick and she, like, feeds him
and wipes his mouth and takes care of him,
and I never get to have dinner
with any chick at all?
It's not fair. [chuckles]
- That's 'cause this lizard is
better-looking than you,
Beavis. [chuckles]
And he's smoother.
He's like, "Hey, baby,
"you know, I don't normally do this,
"but I feel such a strong connection with you.
"I was thinking
maybe we would go
"back to my terrarium
and find out
if I have a schlong."
[both chuckle]
"And then maybe we can go eat some crickets."
[chuckles] - No, no, Butt-Head. No.
You're thinking
of the ridge-tailed monitor.
That doesn't work. [chuckles]
- Damn it, Beavis,
you threw me off.
[chuckles]
- If you want to be wrong, that's fine. [chuckles]
- Beavis, I'm gonna smack you upside the head.
[chuckles]
- Yeah, you can smack me upside the head,
but white-throated monitors
do not eat crickets.
It makes them sick. [chuckles]
It's only the ridge-tailed
and maybe sometimes
a Nile mon--aah!
- Dumbass. - [chuckles]
[crunching]
- Well, Butt-Head, um--
[chuckles]
I guess Iron Man really
doesn't want us to score.
[chuckles]
- It's just not our time,
Beavis.
I think Audrey said
that we have to wait
until we're, like, the last man
on Earth or something.
[chuckles]
- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah, well, you know,
I'll just wait
for another sign then.
[chuckles]
[ominous music]
Whoa, Butt-Head, check it out!
It's a--[chuckles]
Eh...
Eh, just ignore it.
[chuckles]
I'll be damned. [chuckles]
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- Chirp.
09x19 - Spiritual Journey
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.
Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.