09x07 & 09x08 - The New Enemy / The Doppelganger

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- I love
how spacious the kitchen is

now that you've raised
the original tin ceiling, Chip.

- Oh, and these
sliding barn doors

add just the right homey touch,
Joanna.

- You know who's got an
even better homey touch, Chip?

My new boyfriend, Butt-Head.

- [gasps]

- Hey, baby.
[chuckling]

Get lost, you damn hippie.

- Butt-Head, I trusted you!

[sobbing]

- I love you so much,
Butt-Head.

- [snoring]

- That's right, baby.
[chuckling]

- [guffawing]
Yeah, fire.

- Aah!

Damn it, get off of me!
- Ahh! Ahh!

Get off of me, butthole!

[growls]

- [sighs]

- Aah!
- Damn it, Beavis.

You ate all my nachos.

- No way!
You ate all my nachos!

- You didn't even have nachos.

- Oh, yeah.
[guffawing]

Well, I guess it was me.
Yeah.

Whoa.
Check it out, Butt-Head.

Look at that.

See?
It was someone else.

- Uh-huh.

That's, like,
a clue or something.

I guess I don't have to kick
your ass just yet, Beavis.

[chuckling]

Uh...

Hmm, I don't see anyone.

[munching]

- Whoa!
[guffaws]

What's that thing, Butt-Head?

- I think it's, like,
a bear or something.

- Are you sure?

- Whatever it is,
I'm gonna kick its ass.

[both laughing]

[doorbell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

Ay, qué linda.

Besito.

- They missed. [chuckling]

- Yeah, by a mile. [guffawing]

They suck at kissing.

- They're never gonna score. [TV chatter]

- Well, I mean,
I'd score with them, you know?

I would not miss.

[both laughing]

- ♪ Oh, my love, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- Is this, like, Thanksgiving or something?

- Uh, yeah, I think so.

- When is Thanksgiving?

[guffawing]

- I think it's, like,

the third November of the year
or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Remember that time your mom
tried to have Thanksgiving?

'cause, like, she had that
boyfriend for, like, a week?

[both laughing]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

- Lots of dudes are thankful
for your mom, Beavis.

[both laughing]

- Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- ♪ Don't go yet ♪

♪ ♪

- I mean a lot of dudes,
Beavis.

[chuckling]

- Butt-Head, come on.

- I mean, like,
hundreds of dudes.

[chuckling]

- Shut up, Butt-Head!
[growling]

- They all go around the table

and ask what they're thankful for,

and they all say Beavis' mom.

[chuckling]

- Come on, Butt-Head. That's enough.

Come on.

You know, I do like this video, though.

[guffawing]

- It is pretty cool,

but don't change the subject,
Beavis.

On the first Thanksgiving,

the Indians taught the pilgrims how to eat maize,

and the pilgrims taught
the Indians how to do your mom.

[both laughing]
- Yeah.

They're like,
"See, it's easy."

Come on, Butt-Head.
[snickers]

- On the first Thanksgiving,

the pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom.

[both laughing]

- Come on, Butt-Head.

- And then there was peace throughout the land,

'cause everyone got a piece
of your mom.

[chuckling]

- Okay, come on, Butt-Head.
Enough!

[snickers]

- Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis,

I know
I make fun of your mom a lot,

but that's because
she's a slut.

- Shut up, Butt-Head!
She is not.

She just has sex
with lots and lots of guys.

That's all. [snickers]

- Oh, I stand corrected. [chuckling]

- Besides, Butt-Head, I heard somewhere

that "slut" is, like,
a good word now, you know?

Like, "Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah."

[guffawing]

- Uh...oh.

Well, then, like I was saying,

your mom is
the biggest slut of all time.

- Yeah, thank you.
[guffawing]

I'll tell her you said that.
[guffawing]

- No one takes my nachos
and gets away with it.

- Yep, time to kick some ass.

- You can run,
but you can't hide, dumbass.

[both grunting]

- This tree feels kind of funny
on my schlong.

- They call it wood
for a reason, Beavis.

[chuckles]

[raccoon chittering]
There's no escape now.

Prepare to have your ass
shoved up your--

uh...

oh, I see.

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head.
[chittering]

The bears are going
into our house.

- Damn it.
We gotta climb down there now.

- Yeah, maybe later.

Remember that thing I said
on the way up

about the tree feeling funny
on my schlong?

Might want to just, like,

stay here a little while,
you know what I'm saying?

- Beavis, you pervert.
Get out of the way now.

Perve out with the tree
on your own time.

We gotta fight those bears.

- Aah! Come on, Butt-Head!
Come on.

Aah! Just five more minutes.
Come on.

- Damn you, Beavis.
- Aah! I'm almost--whoa!

- [grunting]

[thuds] Ugh.

- [grunts]

Damn it, Butt-Head.
You ruined it.

- Anderson's gotta
have something in here

to k*ll that dumb bear
son of a bitch.

Uh, hmm...

- Something to k*ll a bear.

- Uh...
- No.

- Uh...

Ooh, there we go.

- Bingo.
[guffawing]

Let's k*ll them with this.

I'll pretend I'm gonna
measure how tall he is.

And then you sneak up
behind him.

And I'm like,
"That's two feet tall, sir,"

and meanwhile, you've
got another one of these

that's metric, see--aah!

- Shut up, Beavis.
Look.

Look what happened
to that mouse.

And he's got a big can of glue.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
we'll just sniff some glue

and forget about the bears.

- You're a dumbass, Beavis.
[chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
[guffawing]

- Glue is cool.
[chuckling]

- Butt-Head,
you've got that trap stuck to--

- Beavis, don't tell me
how to do my job.

- Yeah, but Butt-Head,
you've got a thing on your--

- Beavis,
if I wanted your opinion,

I'd tell it to you.

And now, the bait.

[chuckling]
Get this here.

[grunts]

This is gonna be cool.
[chuckling]

[pop music on TV]

- I'm kind of hungry.
[guffawing]

- Well, then go get us
some food, dumbass.

- Okay.
[guffawing]

[humming]

Whoa, cool. Nachos.
[guffawing]

Just gonna scoop some up here.

[grunting]
Damn it.

[grunting]

Aah! Aw, damn it.

Help! Ow!

I'm stuck, Butt-Head!
Help!

- Quit messing around, Beavis.
I'm hungry.

Damn it, Beavis,
you're screwing up my trap.

[both grunting]

Aah! Damn it, Beavis.

[both grunting]

- Damn it.
Get off!

[glass shatters]

- [chuckles] Get off.

[glass shatters]

[both grunting]

Walk this way, Beavis.

You're screwing it all up.

Ow!
- Damn it.

I can't--no, no.
both: Aah!

- Ow!
- Damn it.

- Butt-Head, I just need
to take a whiz here.

- Not now, dumbass!
- Ow!

- We need, like,
a hose or something.

- Ow!

- This glue sucks.

- So, let's take a look
at the cow eye here.

And there are gonna be
obviously some similarities

between human
and cow eyes here.

- Whoa!

They just took that eyeball out of a cow?

[guffawing]

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

- This is gonna be cool. [guffawing]

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing. [giggling]

- I think the cow, like,

donated its eyeballs
to science.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - You can do that.

Like, on your driver's license,

you can be an organ donor.

[chuckling]

- You know, if someone,
like, donates their schlong

to science, I could,
like, become a scientist

and then, like,
get two schlongs.

And then, I could, like,
be scoring with a chick

and spanking my monkey
at the same time.

Yeah! Yeah!
[guffawing]

- Uh. Beavis, why would you
be spanking your monkey

if you're already scoring
with a chick?

- 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick,

I think my other schlong would have a boner too,

you know what I'm saying?

[guffawing]

- Why not just score
with two chicks?

- Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be good.

I mean, I'd need
a third schlong, you know,

but then I could be scoring
with two chicks

and spanking my monkey.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah.

[guffawing]

- Beavis, why do you always
need an extra schlong

to be spanking
your monkey with?

- To spank my monkey! Yeah.

- So if you had two schlongs

and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time,

that wouldn't be good enough?

You still think you'd need an extra schlong?

- Well, I mean,
you gotta have at least one

to spank your monkey with,

and that's exactly what I have.

[guffawing]

- Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis. [chuckling]

- Yeah, but anyway, you know,

if somebody starts
donating schlongs,

somebody better be donating
some more hands to science too,

you know what I mean?

'Cause then I could have, like, four schlongs

and, like, eight hands.

Yeah, that would be cool. [guffawing]

I'd be Dr. Spankenstein,
the Spanktopus.

- Uh, don't you mean
four schlongs and four hands?

- No, no.

I think we must, like, spank our monkeys differently,

Butt-Head. [guffawing]

Different paths up
the same mountain.

[both laughing]

Different strokes for different strokes.

[both laughing]

[both grunting]

- We need to get the hose
and spray this crap off.

[both grunting]

- Slow down, Butt-Head.

- Damn it, Beavis,
just don't do anything.

[both grunting]
I think I got it.

- Get the hose, Butt-Head.
Come on.

- Damn it, Beavis. Hold still--

both: Aah!

[chittering]

- Whoa, it's bears!

No! No, this is wrong!

No! No!
- Aah!

[both grunting]
- Aah!

- Damn it.
Get off of me.

[both grunting]

- Butt-Head,
I'm stuck to a bear!

Aah! Aah!
- Damn glue.

[tires squeal]
[car horn honks]

This is all your fault, Beavis.

- Boy, it's still nice

for a fella to take a moment

and enjoy a dang sunset
in this crazy world.

[distant chittering]

[both grunting]

What the hell?

[chittering and grunting]

Stand your ground!

I got bear spray, damn it!

- Aah! Aah! Ugh!
- Aah! Aah! Ow!

No! No!
- Ow! Ow!

- Ow, my eyes!

Blech! Damn it, ow!
- Ugh. Ugh.

Well, Beavis, it just goes
to show you, you can't do--

- Take that!
both: Aah!

- There's more where that
came from, you son of a bitch!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [humming]

Hey. Hey, Butt-Head.

Butt-Head!

Hey, Butt-Head.
What's going on?

Oh.

- What's going on?
Not a lot going on with me,

but, hey,
thanks for asking, man.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- What's going on
with you, pal?

- Oh, not much.
I was looking for Butt-Head--

- Man, I wish
I had your confidence.

Just go up to someone
you don't know and ask,

"What's going on?"

I'm new in town.
I ought to try that.

Bet I'd meet a lot more people.

I'm Keith, by the way.
What's your name, buddy?

- Oh, Beavis.
- Great to meet you, Beavis.

What are you up to, man?
We should hang out.

- Yeah, um...

- I'm a people person
like you, man.

All these people I meet
are so uptight, you know?

No one wants
to just hang out.

- Well, I'm gonna
go find Butt-Head.

I think he's at the Maxi Mart.
See you later.

- That's cool, man. No prob.

Hey, I'm headed that way.
I'll give you a ride.

- Uh, I don't know.

- It's just a ride, man.
I'm not gonna bite you.

Look at this guy.

- Okay.
Okay, I guess that's cool.

Yeah. [guffawing]

- On the way, I just gotta do
just a couple little things.

Oh, and you gotta
meet my buddy, Rafe.

- Wait a minute. What?

[door handle rattles]

- Okay, I'm gonna show you
how to do this barefoot.

The secret is all in your meat.

- Oh, this is that video

where they show you
how to shake that ass.

- Cool! Yeah! [guffawing]

You know, I've always wanted
to learn how to shake that ass.

Yeah, it's, like,
on my bucket list.

I want to shake my ass
in a bucket.

[both laughing]

This time, I'm finally gonna pay attention,

and I'm gonna learn how to shake that ass.

I'm just gonna stand up here.

Get my feet
shoulder length apart.

Okay. [guffawing]

- I don't care
how much meat you have.

If you got big meat...

- [chuckling]
She said "big meat."

- Shut up, Butt-Head! Okay.

- If you got little meat...

- She said "little meat."
[chuckling]

- Shut up, Butt-Head! Come on.

- You can go on the ball
of your foot

or you can go on your heel.
- "Ball of your foot."

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

Okay, come on. Come on. Get it all out of your system.

Come on. She said "meat."

She said "big meat," "small meat."

She said "balls." - Speed it up.

- Okay, are you done? [guffawing]

- Uh, maybe.

- And here it is from the back.

- You have no ass.

- Damn it, Butt-Head!

- You look like two legs
shoved into a back.

- Damn it, Butt-Head! Shut up!

When I start shaking that ass,

there's gonna be
a lot of chicks coming over.

- No, there won't.

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

I'm sick of sitting around here

listening to your crap and your do-nothing attitude,

and I'm gonna learn this!

- No, you're not.

You're gonna give up.

You can't do anything.

[chuckling]

- My butt's kind of tired.
Let's watch something else.

I am gonna learn this later,
though.

- Shake your meat.

- So I say to Marcy--I'm like,

"Marcy, hey,
if you want this relationship

"to come
from a place of honesty,

you can't get all aggro
when I'm being honest."

Do you know what I'm saying?
- Uh-huh. [guffawing]

- Thanks for doing that
with me, man.

You're a great hang.

I'll take you
to the Maxi Mart now.

- Yeah, that's good,
because we've been

driving around a long time,
and I really--

- I just gotta pop in here
and get oat milk

and, like,
four or five more things.

Marcy can't handle
regular milk.

Remind me
to tell you about that later.

Oh, and trash bags.

- Giving me a ride was cool
and everything,

but I'm just gonna walk
for a while here.

Yeah. [guffawing]

- Good idea, man.
I want to walk too.

Gotta get my steps in today.
- Oh, boy.

- Never gonna get to ,

without my buddy
keeping me honest, yo.

- I just need to go a different
direction than you, because--

- Hey, you got
a Metallica shirt.

You like music, right?
- Well, yeah, but--

- Okay,
then you're gonna love this.

You gotta come see this.

- I really can't,
because I gotta--

- Come on, man.
You don't want to walk.

Maxi Mart's, like,
two miles away.

We passed it on the way here.

[playing rock ballad]

♪ ♪

This store's awesome, right?
Right?

- Yeah, so I'm gonna
go find Butt-Head now.

- Okay, just hold this
for one second.

I'm gonna give you a ride.
You're gonna get there

so much quicker, dude. Come on.

Hey, yo,
where the keyboards at?

- Um...

Let's see here.

[amplifier feedback]

Aah, sorry!
[feedback intensifies]

[feedback warbling]

[amplifier powers down]

[hip-hop music]

[record scratching]

- I'll just be a minute.
Don't worry, pal.

♪ ♪

- So I just gotta tell Marcy,

"Hey, I'm a people person
like Beavis."

Hop in, man. She's close.

- Um, I just gotta go.

Butt-Head's waiting
at the Maxi Mart, so...

[guffawing]

- Okay.
I'll see you later, boss.

No problem.

- Really?

- Hey, man,
thanks for hanging out.

Metallica's the best, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Metallica kicks ass.

- Dude, you're gonna
love this song I wrote.

You just gotta listen
to this one song.

Then you can go.

- I just...

[grumbles]
Oh, God.

- It'll take, like, one second.

- Yeah.

[picking guitar]

♪ ♪

- It's called "Exit Sandman."

It's about beginnings, man.

New beginnings.

♪ Exit night ♪

♪ Enter light ♪

♪ Give me your hand ♪

♪ We're off
to forever always land ♪

Come on, man, sing along.
Come on. I know you know it.

I know you know it.
Come on, let's do it. Ready?

- I don't want to.

- I know you know it, pal.
Come on, let's hear that voice.

You got that scratchy rock
and roll voice, man.

♪ Give me your hand ♪

both: ♪ We're off
to forever always land ♪

- Nice.

So what should I tell
this chick Marcy, man?

Seriously.
- God damn it, enough!

I gotta go! Now!

- You're right.
I gotta tell her, "I gotta go.

I gotta go, Marcy."
Man, thank you, Beavis.

Hey man, I'm really sorry
I took up so much of your time.

- Oh, that's okay.

Well, gotta go. [snickers]

- Okay. Fist bump, man.

- Um, what?

- Fist bump.

- I never--
I never did that before.

So, I just--oh.

Hey, that was pretty cool.
Yeah.

Yeah, so you just
kind of--yeah.

- Hell yeah, man.

And then you can do this.

[imitates expl*si*n]

- Ah, fire! Fire! - Right?

So we'll hang out
tomorrow, right?

- Yeah, yeah.

You know,
drive around and stuff.

Yeah, pretty cool. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis,
where have you been?

- I was trying to go
to Maxi Mart,

but there was this dude,
and he was, like, pretty weird.

But then he turned out
to be pretty cool

because he showed me
this thing where you, like--

Oh. Oh, you already know
about it.

Ahh!

- [chuckles]

You're right, Beavis.
That was pretty cool.

[laughs]

- It's called a fist bump.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.