09x09 & 09x10 - Nice Butt-Head / Home Aide

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Beavis and Butt-Head". Aired: March 8, 1993 – present.
Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.
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09x09 & 09x10 - Nice Butt-Head / Home Aide

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ow! Ow!
I'ma kick--ow. Ah!

- Okay, this is our eighth

to try to improve
your behavior,

and if anything, Butt-Head's
aggression is getting worse.

- Ow!
- Uh, it's the same.

- Ow.

- I'm going to say
therapy isn't working.

It's time to try medication.
- Ah!

- Yeah, give him some pills.

- No.

I mean, medication for you.

Butt-Head, I want you
to take one in the morning

and one in the afternoon.

They should help your behavior.

- Let's flush 'em
down the toilet.

[both chuckle]

Uh, wait a minute.


These smell like grape.

- I wanna try one.

- No way, Beavis.

I'm the one who's aggressive.

- Ow!

- See?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Go get some wuss pills
or something.

[smacks lips]

Not bad.

- [chuckles]

- It better come with refills.

- Maybe if they get some
refills, you can give me--


- Good morning, Wilbur!

[pig snorting]

- That thing sounds like you,

[mimics grunting]

[pig grunting]

- [chuckling]
No, it doesn't.


What is that thing, anyway?

Is that, like, a dog?

- No, he's the star of that movie

where there's like a really annoying spider that has a web

and it keeps making words to save a dog.


It's stupid.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Good morning, buddy!

- Remember when we had that substitute

and he was all, like, drunk,

and then he put that movie on

and just fell asleep at his desk all day?

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was like,
"Oh, this is educational."


- It was a tear-jerker.


[both chuckling]
- "Jerker."

[both chuckling]

- You got to back up
so I can open the door.

- Is this, like, a prison for animals or something?

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Your sentence is having to listen to this lady

for the rest of your life. - [chuckles]

- Good morning, Grayson!

- "Good morning, Grayson!"
[mocking laughter]

- They should eat her.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, see how she likes it.


- Good morning, Buster.

- Do you know what they call meat from a cow?



[both chuckling]

So, like, um, do those pills,

like, make you feel
different or something?

- Eh, no.

But thank you for asking.


- Oh, um, okay, yeah.

God bless you, or,
I don't know.


This show sucks.

- I guess it does.

But other people
probably enjoy it.


Nothing wrong with that.

- Oh, I--okay.

I guess that's true.

But it does kind of suck,
Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- We can watch what you want,

Anything you wanna do is fine.


[screaming on TV]

- This is pretty cool.
This is better. [chuckles]

- Well, I'm glad
you're enjoying it, Beavis.

I like when you enjoy yourself.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, man.
What's going on, Butt-Head?

You're kind of acting weird.

- Whoa.
- Ah!

- Settle down, Beavis.

- Um, I thought you were gonna

hit me for a second there,
you know?


- Oh, I wouldn't hit you,

because you're my friend.


- Um, Butt-Head, I think you
should stop taking those pills.


- [sighs]

- So the sixth planet
is Saturn, mm-kay?

Known for its prominent rings.

- Um, Butt-Head, why are
you wearing that shirt?

- Uh, it's a sunny day.
Why not wear a sunny outfit?

- Can everyone please focus?


Class is almost over,

and I'm just trying
to squeeze in Uranus.

- [chuckles]

Uh, Butt-Head?

- Hmm?
- [chuckles]

Van Driessen, he kind of said,
"I just wanna squeeze in"--

- Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen
is trying hard

to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

- Yeah, exactly.
Like, um--[chuckles]

- Let's try
to give him our attention.

- Yeah, but, um--
- [sighs]

I'm glad I brought a nice,
sharp pencil for Uranus.

- Come on, Butt-Head.
What's going on?

- Nothing, Beavis.

This is the perfect pencil
for Uranus.

[school bell rings]

Oh, darn.

- Whoa!
Where'd that come from?

Um, Van Driessen?

I think there's something wrong
with Butt-Head.

- Oh, I don't think so at all.

In fact, Butt-Head, I'm very
proud of your behavior today.

- No, you don't understand.
There's something wrong--

- Oh, thank you,
Mr. Van Driessen.

I enjoyed your class today.

- You mean the part
about Uranus, right, Butt-Head?


- I actually liked Saturn,

with its prominent rings.

That was my favorite.
- What?

- Would you like to join Beavis

and I for lunch,
Mr. Van Driessen?

- Butt-Head, no, no.

- Fascinating.

Mt. Van Driessen,
I would love to hear

more stories
about the teachers' union.

- Oh, no.

- Well, at the next meeting,

there was quite a spirited
debate about the health plan.

- Ooh.

The health plan?
- Damn it, Butt-Head.

- Are you okay, Beavis?

I brought an extra banana
if you'd like one.

- A what?

- A banana, Beavis.

They're delicious--
better than nachos.

♪ ♪


A banana.

[scratching sound]

- Damn it, Butt-Head.
This sucks.

You have to stop
taking those pills.

- But Beavis, I was told to
take these pills by an adult.

Is there something else
that's bothering you?

- Yeah, there is!
- [chuckles]

- It's bothering me that
you're acting like a butthole!

- I hear you, Beavis.

I'll try to do better.
- Damn it.

Stop agreeing
with everything I say!

- Okay, Beavis.
- See, you did it again!

Stop it!

- What would you like me to do,

- Damn it, Butt-Head!

You're a butthole
and your mom's a slut

and you suck!

- Beavis, thank you
for being honest with me.

I think we can work this out
if we just dialogue

like Ms. Ortiz modeled for us,
and we--

- [screams]
- Oh, Beavis, my pills.

- Ah!


- Beavis, this is a step
backwards for you.

I'm concerned--

- Stop acting like a wuss!

Call me a butthole!

Say, "Beavis is a butthole!"

- [coughing]
Don't say that about my friend.


- Oh, damn it.
Damn it.



- [pukes]

[both panting]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

What the hell is wrong
with you, butthole?

- Ah!
Hittin' me.

Oh, yeah.

- Beavis, you're about
to get your ass kicked.

- No, no, no--

- Damn it.

- Ah!
- Butthole.

- Ah!
Cut it out.

- [grunts]
- Ah!

[rock music]

Ow. Ah!

- [grunting]

- Ah!

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Behold, I am Smart Butt-Head.
- And I am Smart Beavis.

Greetings, oh,
primitive humans.

- We hail from an alternate
universe where we,

Beavis and Butt-Head,
are super intelligent.

- There are
billions and billions

of alternate universes,
oh, foolish ones.

- But the one most fascinating
to our vast intellects

is the one where Beavis and
Butt-Head were teenagers

in the s,
but then grew older.

- And they're now middle-aged
at the height of their powers.

- Join us, dull-witted
earthlings, as we look upon

that universe and sample its
delights spread out before us,

like a banquet of space nachos.

- Priceless wit
of a satirical bent.

- Whimsical, yes, yes,
quite absurd.

- Whimsical, yes, indeed, yes.

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- [coughs]
- [coughs]

we're out of beers, Butt-Head.

- Eh, well, go get some more,

- I'm out of money.

- So go give some more blood.

- I went twice
already this morning.

They won't take my blood
anymore, because they said

it's too watery,
then I passed out,

and some guy stole my cookie.

I guess we need to,
like, get jobs or something.

- Being unemployed is our job,

They send us money.

- Ran out of that too.

Should I go down
to that unemployment store

and get some more or something?

- Yeah, and hurry up,
you worthless dumbass.

- [grunts]
Oh, boy.

- Job.

- ♪ Ooh, too lit ♪

♪ Forgot who I was talking to,
shit ♪

[both chuckling]

♪ Love ain't
how they advertise it ♪

- Oh, hey,

that looks like that time
you had that heart att*ck,

and then they, like, brought
you back with that infibulator.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

That thing hurt.

- They said you were d*ad
for a while too.

- Uh, that's right, I was. [chuckles]

When I closed my eyes,
I thought I saw God,

and he said,
"I love you, Butt-Head.

Keep doing what you're doing,
and don't ever come back."


And then I woke up. [chuckles]

- And then d'you, like, change your life or something?

- No. [chuckles]

I was completely unchanged.

And then they sent me a bill
for $ , ,

and I never paid it.
[both chuckling]

I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.


- In a just world,
they would've k*lled you.


- Yeah.

It's not fair.

- That liquor store, like, makes me wanna drink a beer.


- Uh, you are drinking a beer.

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
but I mean, like,

another one after this.

- Uh, is there anything that

doesn't make you wanna drink a beer?

- Well, let me think.


Oh, um--no, no.

I guess not.

[sighs and chuckles]

I think I'm, like, an alcoholic,

but with beer, you know?

[both chuckling]

Oh, look at that pawn shop.

I think this is our neighborhood.


- Eh, oh, yeah. It is.

Remember that time you pawned

everything you owned,
and you only got $ ?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was a great day,

I spent it all
on some St. Ides.


That crooked eye, yeah. [chuckles]

I would like more unemployment,

- Well, our records show
you maxed out your benefits.

- Cool.

- But let's see
if we can find you a job.

- What? What?
No, no.

No, I came down here for money.
Yeah, yeah.

- Let's see
what you're qualified for.

Last job?

- I was fired
from Burger World.

- And when was that?

- It was, like, two weeks ago.

- It says here years ago.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Also, I donate blood and sperm.

- And you donate
the sperm where?

- Um, just kind of everywhere,
you know?

- Okay, you're gonna need
something completely unskilled.

- Yeah, that sounds cool.

- I have an opening
for a home aide.

It's a government program
where you help people

who can't take care
of themselves

just with ordinary,
household tasks.

You know how to do that, right?

- Um, I've been in a house,

- Here's the client's address.

They pay's not much,
but I think you'll find

helping someone even less
fortunate than yourself

will help give you self-esteem.

- Self-steam?

- It'll make you
feel good about yourself.

- Wow. Self-steam.


- [humming]

Okay, time to get
your self-steam.


Time to meet the dillhole
who can't take care of himself.

I wonder what he looks like.

Here we go.

- Uh, what are you knocking
for, dumbass?

I thought you were the butthole
the government sent.

- What butthole?

- The social worker called
and asked if I needed help

the neighbors complained.

- Whoa, really?

- I pretended
I was a fat dumbass

who never gets off his couch.

And he believed me.

- Well, maybe,
maybe I'm the butthole

that the government sent.

- Well then, quit standing
around and get to work.


- So they said first,
I'm supposed to, like,

tidy up or something.

- [groans and coughs]

Well, get to it, Beavis.
My tax dollars pay your salary.

- I'm gonna throw this away.

- Don't throw those out.
- Why not?

- I need those for my business.

- What business?

- One of these days,
I'll tell you, Beavis.

I've got big plans.

No, not the bottle.

You can pick up that chip.


This is the good life.

Now fix me lunch.
- Is that part of my job?

- I was told it was.

- [sighs]
Okay, Butt-Head.

- Mr. Butt-Head.

- I'm not gonna call you
Mr. Butt-Head,


- I don't want to
have to report you, Beavis.

You want me to get you fired?
- Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-Head.

- If I get you fired,
then we don't have any money.

I'm doing this for us.

- Damn it.
Self-steam sucks.

- Hey, what's up, guys?

It is Stargirl,
the Practical Witch,

and welcome
to my YouTube channel today.

We are back again with another
virtual, online,

interactive tarot reading.

Now, what I normally
have you guys do

during this psychic reading
is I have you guys

look at the options
with your--

- Uh, hmm.

- [grunts] Oh, boy.

- She's like,
"I can see into the future,

and I'm still talking."

- Yeah, I can see way into the future,

and I'm still
going on and on and on.


- All-vegan makeup, which
I make a very big deal--

- If you, like, knew you'd
eventually score with her,

how long do you think you'd be able to listen to her talk?


- Probably, like, about five
years, maybe six or seven.

- I'm not saying that
you're poor, guys, okay?

I'm not picking that up
at all.

But I'm hearing you, like,

spend a lot of time
in an RV camper--

- Uh, I have more psychic abilities than she does.

Check this out, Beavis.

Uh, okay,
I'm sensing great pain.

- No, no, you're just gonna say
you see a smack in my future,

and then you're gonna smack me.

You've been doing this
for years.

Come on.

- Uh, I knew you were
gonna say that, Beavis,

for I am the great

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do not
underestimate my powers.

Now check this out.

I'm sensing a--uh--
do you have an uncle?

- No.

- Or, I mean, an aunt, maybe?

- No, no. [chuckles]

- Uh, a cousin?

- No, I don't think so.

I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid,
but I don't think that's--

- Damn it, Beavis.

You said
you don't have an uncle.

- I don't--I mean,
except for Uncle Bob.

- Damn it, Beavis.

Okay, very well.

I'm sensing a couch.

Is there a couch in your life?

- No, no, I don't think
I know of a couch.

- Damn it, Beavis.

You're sitting on a couch.
- No, no.



Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

Wait, did you say
you were gonna smack me?


- Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that.

It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.

- Oh, I guess you are pretty good then.


- It's time to celebrate
your first paycheck

by buying me beer with it.

- Right away, Mr. Butt-Head.

- [chuckles]

Uh, what are you doing,

- I just want some
Count Chocula.

- We need beer,
not, like, health food.

- No way!
It's my money.

I earned it.

I gave you a bath.

- You wouldn't even have

the money if I wasn't
all pathetic or whatever.

- Ah!
Damn it--

I'm gonna k*ll you,
Mr. Butt-Head!

- Beavis, you're about to get
fired the hard way.

[loud crashing]
- Ah!

Ah, no!
Ah, no!

Mr. Butt-Head, no, stop!
No, ah!

Ow, ah!

Help, Butt-Head!
Ow, ow!

- I swear, Beavis, if you're
still alive, you're fired.

- [screaming]

- [chuckles]

You're unemployed again.

- I'm making money
from workman's comp,

and I still have my self-steam.

[both chuckling]

- No, you don't.

You're a dumb butthole,
and you always will be.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, thank you.
[both chuckling]

- Just fascinating.
- Yes, yes.

Intellectually stimulating.
Yes, yes, very humorous.

- Unfortunately,
oh, foolish humans,

your puny brains are too weak

to comprehend
what you just saw.

- Yes, yes.

I hope you were at least able
to enjoy the pretty colors.

Smart Butt-Head,

let us watch it again
to pick up more smart nuances.

- We cannot,
because I think I erased it.

- Ah, yes, droll, droll, yes.

Quire risible, yes.
- Amusing.

Amusing and humorous, yes, yes.

- Quite off-kilter, yes, yes.

[eerie music]

You missed. - Yes, yes, indeed.

Too much yaw-- entering new coordinates now.

- Um, those are not the right coordinates, Smart Butt-Head.

- Quite farcical, yes.

- Yes, yes, allow me.

[loud crash] - Those were also incorrect.

- Yes, yes, peculiar and quaint, yes, yes.

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.
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