09x09 & 09x10 - Nice Butt-Head / Home Aide

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Beavis and Butt-Head". Aired: March 8, 1993 – present.*
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Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.
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09x09 & 09x10 - Nice Butt-Head / Home Aide

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ow! Ow!
I'ma kick--ow. Ah!

- Okay, this is our eighth
session

to try to improve
your behavior,

and if anything, Butt-Head's
aggression is getting worse.

- Ow!
- Uh, it's the same.

- Ow.

- I'm going to say
therapy isn't working.

It's time to try medication.
- Ah!

- Yeah, give him some pills.

[chuckles]
- No.

I mean, medication for you.

Butt-Head, I want you
to take one in the morning

and one in the afternoon.

They should help your behavior.

- Let's flush 'em
down the toilet.

[both chuckle]

Uh, wait a minute.

[sniffs]

These smell like grape.

- I wanna try one.
C'mon.

- No way, Beavis.

I'm the one who's aggressive.

- Ow!
Hey.

- See?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Go get some wuss pills
or something.

Mmm.
[smacks lips]

Not bad.

- [chuckles]

- It better come with refills.

- Maybe if they get some
refills, you can give me--

Ah!

- Good morning, Wilbur!

[pig snorting]

- That thing sounds like you,
Beavis.

[mimics grunting]

[pig grunting]

- [chuckling]
No, it doesn't.

[grunting]

What is that thing, anyway?

Is that, like, a dog?

- No, he's the star of that movie

where there's like a really annoying spider that has a web

and it keeps making words to save a dog.

[chuckles]

It's stupid.
[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]

- Good morning, buddy!

- Remember when we had that substitute

and he was all, like, drunk,

and then he put that movie on

and just fell asleep at his desk all day?

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was like,
"Oh, this is educational."

[grunting]

- It was a tear-jerker.

[chuckles]

[both chuckling]
- "Jerker."

[both chuckling]

- You got to back up
so I can open the door.

- Is this, like, a prison for animals or something?

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Your sentence is having to listen to this lady

for the rest of your life. - [chuckles]

- Good morning, Grayson!
[laughs]

- "Good morning, Grayson!"
[mocking laughter]

[chuckles]
- They should eat her.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, see how she likes it.

[chuckling]

- Good morning, Buster.

- Do you know what they call meat from a cow?

[chuckles]
Beef.

[chuckles]

[both chuckling]

So, like, um, do those pills,

like, make you feel
different or something?

- Eh, no.

But thank you for asking.

[chuckles]

- Oh, um, okay, yeah.

God bless you, or,
I don't know.

[chuckles]

This show sucks.
[chuckles]

- I guess it does.

But other people
probably enjoy it.

[chuckles]

Nothing wrong with that.
[chuckles]

- Oh, I--okay.

I guess that's true.
[chuckles]

But it does kind of suck,
Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- We can watch what you want,
Beavis.

Anything you wanna do is fine.

[chuckles]

[screaming on TV]

- This is pretty cool.
This is better. [chuckles]

- Well, I'm glad
you're enjoying it, Beavis.

I like when you enjoy yourself.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, man.
What's going on, Butt-Head?

You're kind of acting weird.

- Whoa.
- Ah!

- Settle down, Beavis.
[chuckles]

- Um, I thought you were gonna

hit me for a second there,
you know?

[chuckles]

- Oh, I wouldn't hit you,

Beavis,
because you're my friend.

[chuckles]

- Um, Butt-Head, I think you
should stop taking those pills.

[chuckles]

- [sighs]
[chuckles]

- So the sixth planet
is Saturn, mm-kay?

Known for its prominent rings.

- Um, Butt-Head, why are
you wearing that shirt?

- Uh, it's a sunny day.
Why not wear a sunny outfit?

[chuckles]
- Can everyone please focus?

Mm-kay?

Class is almost over,

and I'm just trying
to squeeze in Uranus.

- [chuckles]

Uh, Butt-Head?
[chuckles]

- Hmm?
- [chuckles]

Van Driessen, he kind of said,
"I just wanna squeeze in"--

- Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen
is trying hard

to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

- Yeah, exactly.
Like, um--[chuckles]

- Let's try
to give him our attention.

- Yeah, but, um--
- [sighs]

I'm glad I brought a nice,
sharp pencil for Uranus.

- Come on, Butt-Head.
What's going on?

- Nothing, Beavis.

This is the perfect pencil
for Uranus.

[chuckles]
[school bell rings]

Oh, darn.
[chuckles]

- Whoa!
Where'd that come from?

Um, Van Driessen?

I think there's something wrong
with Butt-Head.

- Oh, I don't think so at all.

In fact, Butt-Head, I'm very
proud of your behavior today.

- No, you don't understand.
There's something wrong--

- Oh, thank you,
Mr. Van Driessen.

I enjoyed your class today.

- You mean the part
about Uranus, right, Butt-Head?

[chuckles]

- I actually liked Saturn,
Beavis,

with its prominent rings.

That was my favorite.
- What?

- Would you like to join Beavis

and I for lunch,
Mr. Van Driessen?

- Butt-Head, no, no.

- Fascinating.

Mt. Van Driessen,
I would love to hear

more stories
about the teachers' union.

- Oh, no.

- Well, at the next meeting,

there was quite a spirited
debate about the health plan.

- Ooh.
[chuckles]

The health plan?
- Damn it, Butt-Head.

- Are you okay, Beavis?

I brought an extra banana
if you'd like one.

- A what?

- A banana, Beavis.
[chuckles]

They're delicious--
better than nachos.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

A banana.

[humming]
[scratching sound]

- Damn it, Butt-Head.
This sucks.

You have to stop
taking those pills.

- But Beavis, I was told to
take these pills by an adult.

Is there something else
that's bothering you?

- Yeah, there is!
- [chuckles]

- It's bothering me that
you're acting like a butthole!

- I hear you, Beavis.

I'll try to do better.
- Damn it.

Stop agreeing
with everything I say!

- Okay, Beavis.
- See, you did it again!

Stop it!

- What would you like me to do,
Beavis?

- Damn it, Butt-Head!

You're a butthole
and your mom's a slut

and you suck!
[chuckles]

- Beavis, thank you
for being honest with me.

I think we can work this out
if we just dialogue

like Ms. Ortiz modeled for us,
and we--

- [screams]
- Oh, Beavis, my pills.

- Ah!
Enough!

[screaming]

- Beavis, this is a step
backwards for you.

I'm concerned--

- Stop acting like a wuss!

Call me a butthole!

Say, "Beavis is a butthole!"

- [coughing]
Don't say that about my friend.

[gagging]

- Oh, damn it.
Damn it.

Ah!

[grunting]

- [pukes]

[both panting]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

What the hell is wrong
with you, butthole?

- Ah!
Hittin' me.

Oh, yeah.

- Beavis, you're about
to get your ass kicked.

- No, no, no--
[chuckles]

Ah!
- Damn it.

- Ah!
- Butthole.

- Ah!
Cut it out.

- [grunts]
- Ah!

[rock music]

Ow. Ah!

- [grunting]

- Ah!

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Behold, I am Smart Butt-Head.
- And I am Smart Beavis.

Greetings, oh,
primitive humans.

- We hail from an alternate
universe where we,

Beavis and Butt-Head,
are super intelligent.

- There are
billions and billions

of alternate universes,
oh, foolish ones.

- But the one most fascinating
to our vast intellects

is the one where Beavis and
Butt-Head were teenagers

in the s,
but then grew older.

- And they're now middle-aged
at the height of their powers.

- Join us, dull-witted
earthlings, as we look upon

that universe and sample its
delights spread out before us,

like a banquet of space nachos.

- Priceless wit
of a satirical bent.

- Whimsical, yes, yes,
quite absurd.

- Whimsical, yes, indeed, yes.

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- [coughs]
- [coughs]

Butt-Head,
we're out of beers, Butt-Head.

- Eh, well, go get some more,
dumbass.

- I'm out of money.

- So go give some more blood.

- I went twice
already this morning.

They won't take my blood
anymore, because they said

it's too watery,
then I passed out,

and some guy stole my cookie.

I guess we need to,
like, get jobs or something.

- Being unemployed is our job,
dumbass.

[chuckles]
They send us money.

- Ran out of that too.

Should I go down
to that unemployment store

and get some more or something?

- Yeah, and hurry up,
you worthless dumbass.

- [grunts]
Oh, boy.

- Job.
[chuckles]

- ♪ Ooh, too lit ♪

♪ Forgot who I was talking to,
sh*t ♪

[both chuckling]

♪ Love ain't
how they advertise it ♪

- Oh, hey,

that looks like that time
you had that heart att*ck,

and then they, like, brought
you back with that infibulator.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

That thing hurt.
[chuckles]

- They said you were dead
for a while too.

- Uh, that's right, I was. [chuckles]

When I closed my eyes,
I thought I saw God,

and he said,
"I love you, Butt-Head.

Keep doing what you're doing,
and don't ever come back."

[chuckles]

And then I woke up. [chuckles]

- And then d'you, like, change your life or something?

- No. [chuckles]

I was completely unchanged.
[chuckles]

And then they sent me a bill
for $ , ,

and I never paid it.
[both chuckling]

I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.

[chuckles]

- In a just world,
they would've k*lled you.

[chuckles]

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

It's not fair.
[chuckles]

- That liquor store, like, makes me wanna drink a beer.

[chuckles]

- Uh, you are drinking a beer.
[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
but I mean, like,

another one after this.
[chuckles]

- Uh, is there anything that

doesn't make you wanna drink a beer?

[chuckles]
- Well, let me think.

No.

Oh, um--no, no.

I guess not.
[chuckles]

[sighs and chuckles]

I think I'm, like, an alcoholic,

but with beer, you know?

[both chuckling]

Oh, look at that pawn shop.

I think this is our neighborhood.

[chuckles]

- Eh, oh, yeah. It is.

[chuckles]
Remember that time you pawned

everything you owned,
and you only got $ ?

[chuckles]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was a great day,
yeah.

I spent it all
on some St. Ides.

[chuckles]

That crooked eye, yeah. [chuckles]

I would like more unemployment,
please.

- Well, our records show
you maxed out your benefits.

- Cool.
[chuckles]

- But let's see
if we can find you a job.

- What? What?
No, no.

No, I came down here for money.
Yeah, yeah.

- Let's see
what you're qualified for.

Last job?

- I was fired
from Burger World.

- And when was that?

- It was, like, two weeks ago.

- It says here years ago.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Also, I donate blood and sperm.

- And you donate
the sperm where?

- Um, just kind of everywhere,
you know?

- Okay, you're gonna need
something completely unskilled.

- Yeah, that sounds cool.

- I have an opening
for a home aide.

It's a government program
where you help people

who can't take care
of themselves

just with ordinary,
household tasks.

You know how to do that, right?

- Um, I've been in a house,
yeah.

- Here's the client's address.

They pay's not much,
but I think you'll find

helping someone even less
fortunate than yourself

will help give you self-esteem.

- Self-steam?

- It'll make you
feel good about yourself.

- Wow. Self-steam.
Hmm.

[chuckling]
Dicks.

- [humming]

Okay, time to get
your self-steam.

[chuckles]

Time to meet the dillhole
who can't take care of himself.

I wonder what he looks like.
[chuckles]

Here we go.
[chuckles]

- Uh, what are you knocking
for, dumbass?

I thought you were the butthole
the government sent.

- What butthole?
[chuckles]

- The social worker called
and asked if I needed help

'cause
the neighbors complained.

- Whoa, really?
[chuckles]

- I pretended
I was a fat dumbass

who never gets off his couch.
[chuckles]

And he believed me.
[chuckles]

- Well, maybe,
maybe I'm the butthole

that the government sent.

- Well then, quit standing
around and get to work.

[chuckles]

- So they said first,
I'm supposed to, like,

tidy up or something.

- [groans and coughs]

Well, get to it, Beavis.
My tax dollars pay your salary.

[chuckles]
- I'm gonna throw this away.

- Don't throw those out.
- Why not?

- I need those for my business.

- What business?

- One of these days,
I'll tell you, Beavis.

I've got big plans.

No, not the bottle.

You can pick up that chip.

[slurps]
[sighs]

This is the good life.
[chuckles]

Now fix me lunch.
- Is that part of my job?

- I was told it was.

- [sighs]
Okay, Butt-Head.

- Mr. Butt-Head.

- I'm not gonna call you
Mr. Butt-Head,

Butt-Head.

- I don't want to
have to report you, Beavis.

You want me to get you fired?
- Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-Head.

- If I get you fired,
then we don't have any money.

I'm doing this for us.

- Damn it.
Self-steam sucks.

- Hey, what's up, guys?

It is Stargirl,
the Practical Witch,

and welcome
to my YouTube channel today.

We are back again with another
virtual, online,

interactive tarot reading.

Now, what I normally
have you guys do

during this psychic reading
is I have you guys

look at the options
with your--

- Uh, hmm.

- [grunts] Oh, boy.

- She's like,
"I can see into the future,

and I'm still talking."
[chuckles]

- Yeah, I can see way into the future,

and I'm still
going on and on and on.

[chuckles]

- All-vegan makeup, which
I make a very big deal--

- If you, like, knew you'd
eventually score with her,

how long do you think you'd be able to listen to her talk?

[chuckles]

- Probably, like, about five
years, maybe six or seven.

- I'm not saying that
you're poor, guys, okay?

I'm not picking that up
at all.

But I'm hearing you, like,

spend a lot of time
in an RV camper--

- Uh, I have more psychic abilities than she does.

Check this out, Beavis.

Uh, okay,
I'm sensing great pain.

- No, no, you're just gonna say
you see a smack in my future,

and then you're gonna smack me.

You've been doing this
for years.

Come on.

- Uh, I knew you were
gonna say that, Beavis,

for I am the great
Butt-Headini.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do not
underestimate my powers.

Now check this out.

I'm sensing a--uh--
do you have an uncle?

- No.
[chuckles]

- Or, I mean, an aunt, maybe?

- No, no. [chuckles]

- Uh, a cousin?

- No, I don't think so.

I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid,
but I don't think that's--

- Damn it, Beavis.

You said
you don't have an uncle.

- I don't--I mean,
except for Uncle Bob.

- Damn it, Beavis.

Okay, very well.

I'm sensing a couch.

Is there a couch in your life?
[chuckles]

- No, no, I don't think
I know of a couch.

[chuckles]
- Damn it, Beavis.

You're sitting on a couch.
- No, no.

[screams]

[chuckles]

Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

Wait, did you say
you were gonna smack me?

[chuckles]

- Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that.

It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.

- Oh, I guess you are pretty good then.

[chuckles]

- It's time to celebrate
your first paycheck

by buying me beer with it.

- Right away, Mr. Butt-Head.

- [chuckles]

Uh, what are you doing,
Beavis?

- I just want some
Count Chocula.

- We need beer,
not, like, health food.

- No way!
It's my money.

I earned it.

I gave you a bath.

- You wouldn't even have

the money if I wasn't
all pathetic or whatever.

- Ah!
Damn it--

I'm gonna k*ll you,
Mr. Butt-Head!

- Beavis, you're about to get
fired the hard way.

[loud crashing]
- Ah!

Ah, no!
Ah, no!

Mr. Butt-Head, no, stop!
No, ah!

Ow, ah!

Help, Butt-Head!
Ow, ow!

- I swear, Beavis, if you're
still alive, you're fired.

- [screaming]

- [chuckles]

You're unemployed again.

- I'm making money
from workman's comp,

and I still have my self-steam.

[both chuckling]

- No, you don't.

You're a dumb butthole,
and you always will be.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, thank you.
[both chuckling]

- Just fascinating.
- Yes, yes.

Intellectually stimulating.
Yes, yes, very humorous.

- Unfortunately,
oh, foolish humans,

your puny brains are too weak

to comprehend
what you just saw.

- Yes, yes.

I hope you were at least able
to enjoy the pretty colors.

Smart Butt-Head,

let us watch it again
to pick up more smart nuances.

- We cannot,
because I think I erased it.

- Ah, yes, droll, droll, yes.

Quire risible, yes.
- Amusing.

Amusing and humorous, yes, yes.

- Quite off-kilter, yes, yes.

[eerie music]

You missed. - Yes, yes, indeed.

Too much yaw-- entering new coordinates now.

- Um, those are not the right coordinates, Smart Butt-Head.

- Quite farcical, yes.

- Yes, yes, allow me.

[loud crash] - Those were also incorrect.

- Yes, yes, peculiar and quaint, yes, yes.

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.
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