02x10 - Holiday Hookah

[bunniefuu]

Go tell it on the mountain ♪

Over the hills and everywhere ♪

Go tell it on the mountain ♪

Zach, what are you doing here?

That Jesus Christ is born ♪

Oh, he's in a flow state.

He's not gonna answer unless

it's in the form of a song.

Since when are you working here? ♪

I'm volunteering once a week ♪

Working for free ♪

- Working for free ♪

- Free ♪

Oh, that is so cool.

- He is really good.

- [VOCALIZING]

His family takes caroling

very seriously.

Nobody is guaranteed a part.

Last year, Grandma had

throat surgery ♪

And we put her on backup bells ♪

TOGETHER: Backup bells!

Rang out the angels' choir ♪

Yeah, which is why you should

be glad I am not coming.

My voice is meant for spoken word.

Oh, wow. Jacob, I can't believe

- you're passing up the opportunity

- 2, 3, 4!

to go to Pittsburgh and sing carols.

I don't want to risk

being put on backup bells.

that Jesus Christ is born ♪

That Jesus Christ is

[SINGING OFF-KEY] boooorn ♪

Okay, I feel way better

about you not coming now.

2, 3, 4.

Go tell it on the mountain ♪

Over the hills and everywhere ♪

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

And Christmas for you

So, it's the last day of school

before Christmas

Sorry. Holiday break.

And then I think Kwanzaa for you, Ariel.

Not everyone celebrates Christmas,

and I acknowledge that in my classroom.

And Randall.

Happy holidays.

Randall's a Jehovah's Witness.

Honestly, the students are mostly

just celebrating the religious practice

of not coming to school for two weeks.

The staff, too.

Everyone's been working hard.

It's gonna be nice to get some time off

and just let loose a little bit.

That's my plan, anyway.

This is my first single holiday,

and Erika is gonna straighten my hair,

and we got new clothes,

and she says it's cold out

and guys need something to "rub up on."

So, we're gonna go out

to a hookah bar tonight.

And who knows? Maybe I'll

"hoook" up with someone.

But anyway, I'm just excited

to get out of my work bubble

and meet new people with my new look

and get my "ho" on.

Those are Erika's words.

Not mine. I'm a teacher.

"On, Dancer, on, Prancer,

on, Donner and Blitzen.

She slays holidays,

it's the sweet Christmas Vixen."

Seasons greetings, Ava's elves!

It is I, Principal Coleman Claus!

Santa Claus just had a heart att*ck.

It's time for the gift exchange.

Let's find out who's been

naughty and who's been nice.

And, remember,

I only reward the naughty.

Everyone who picked a name

out of Mr. Johnson's ice skate

last week, please gather 'round.

Dorothy Hamill and I used to be a thing.

This is all I have left of her.

Okay, I hope you guys all stuck

to the $25 minimum.

Um, I thought that was a maximum.

Stop limiting yourself.

Thinking small's what's got you

in a dead-end job

in a poorly run school.

- Can't argue with that.

- Um, can I go first?

I got Mr. Johnson.

So, you told me, against my will,

that back when you were

a nude art model,

you didn't get to keep any of the things

made in your likeness.

So, I had a local artist make this,

and only this, for you.

- Wow!

- Love it.

- Yeah.

- WOMAN: Aww.

"To clean, or not to clean?

That is the question."

[LAUGHTER]

Alright, put your creepy

little head down.

It's your turn to gift.

Merry Christmas, Melissa.

Ah, for me. Okay, let's see.

Dallas Cowboy bobbleheads?

Yours to destroy in any way you see fit.

Oh! I can finally break out

my blowtorch.

Yes! Okay, okay.

- Ava, I got you.

- Wait a minute, are you sure?

Because I got Ava.

Uh, I did, too.

Yeah, I put my name in a few times

'cause I knew all of your mediocre gifts

would add up to one decent gift.

Seventeen dollars to The Office Loft?

I didn't think it would

be yours, Gregory.

Merry Capitalism to you all.

Barbara, although I did not participate

in the gift exchange, I did get you

the humanely harvested

poinsettia you asked for.

Merry Christmas.

Jacob.

It's beautiful.

And perfect for Melissa and my

annual Christmas Lounge dinner.

Every year, it's our tradition,

on the last day of school

before break

We bring in some food.

- Yeah, have a little wine.

- Mm-hmm.

It's our own little slice of heaven,

you know, in between school

madness and family chaos.

Oh, actually, I remember you

guys doing that last year,

when Zach and I were headed out

on our Wildwood vacation.

Where are you two headed this year?

Oh, well, he's going to be with family,

so it's just me here.

Alone. By myself.

Well, that sounds fun. Come on, Barb.

What in the world?

Looks like it's just you, me and me.

["CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS]

- Hey. You leaving?

- Yeah.

You don't want to stick around to see

if Barbara drinks enough fun

punch to do the heel-toe?

Oh, no, I definitely do.

But, um, I'm meeting Erika.

So, I gotta go get ready.

Oh. Leaving a school function early?

- That's new.

- It is new.

I am having a life outside of school.

Well, that's nice.

I'm also going out

with some friends tonight.

Okay, cool. Well

I hope you have a good time,

and enjoy your break.

Yeah. You, too.

- Yeah.

- And I'll, um, see you next year?

- See you next year.

- Alright.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss Gregory,

but I'm gonna miss everybody.

And that includes Gregory.

And, you know, we've become

really good friends this year.

And he's doing so well with

teaching and dating Amber.

Okay, Mr. Johnson's

gonna be here in a few.

We got food. We got

- Wine.

- Yeah.

We got

Jacob.

Did someone call Nine-Fun-Fun?

- You didn't.

- I did.

I'm very grateful to you.

- Ooh.

- Don't worry.

You will barely even notice I am here.

Did you get my dietary restrictions?

MELISSA: I love Jacob. I do.

But, you know what?

He's a lot like paint fumes.

Like, small doses fine,

even somewhat enjoyable.

But too much just gives you a headache.

Damn!

It's early, and there's already

fine-ass men in the line.

Imagine how stupid fine

the late ones gonna be.

Okay, so, will they just,

like, come up to us, or

Like, how will they know we're thirsty?

- Should we pant?

- Oh, no.

Not thirsty. Just cute.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Trust me.

- They'll know.

- Okay.

If you stop doing that booby dance.

Girl, save that for the club.

- Okay.

- Relax.

- Yes. Relax.

- Yeah. Calm, cool, chill.

- Single, hot.

- Yeah.

Look, you left Teacher Janine at home.

Yeah. Tonight, we getting turnt.

That's right. I'm Turnt Janine!

Don't have to make it an adjective.

- Okay.

- Okay? We cool.

MAURICE: How y'all ladies doin' tonight?

Ooh. Fine. Thank you. Mm.

- Janine?

- Gregory?

S J Um, you're here.

I am here.

Sorry. Do you, um

You come here often, or I'm sorry.

That sounds like a pickup line,

but in this case, I'm being genuine.

I mean, yeah, sometimes with friends.

- Hi.

- You look

Yeah.

You also look, um

I'm so sorry.

I just was not expecting to see

anyone from work here to

- Ava?

- Ava's here?

Sorry. I don't speak line.

Ladies, don't look at them.

All of the other reindeer ♪

Used to laugh and call him names ♪

They never let poor Rudolph ♪

Join in any reindeer games ♪

Then one foggy Christmas Eve ♪

Girl, what's going on?

You're giving very chaperone energy.

Just, I was

I was excited about coming out

and, you know, letting loose,

but now my coworkers

are here, and my boss.

You are a grown-ass woman.

It's only a big deal

if you make it a big deal.

Uh, and I'm certain your boss

not gonna give a damn.

Mm. That's an impressive circle twerk.

Oh. I think that's

my ex-boyfriend over there.

I'm-a go say hi.

That's your ex?

Yeah, after I introduce myself,

you know,

start dating, get super clingy,

and go through his phone, he might be.

Have fun.

Then all the reindeer loved him ♪

As they shouted out with glee ♪

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ♪

You'll go down in history" ♪

Forever ♪

Here you go.

Ugh, I'm sorry, but Zach has

been singing this song nonstop,

and I just cannot anymore.

Okay, I get charity during the holidays,

but, Barb, this is Mother Teresa level.

Can we not?

Are you talking about Mother Teresa?

Did you know she was actually

a huge r*cist?

Hey, thanks again for

including me in your tradition.

And we are happy to have you, Jacob.

I'm sure you already know

that Christmas was essentially

invented by Charles Dickens'

"A Christmas Carol," right?

Maybe we can just focus on

It's because of him

that this time of year

has turned into

such a materialist bacchanal.

Oh, that guy sounds really annoying.

Beyond. He took a great tradition

and turned it into something miserable.

Can't imagine why anybody

would do something like that.

Me neither. Some people, you know?

Yeah, I sure do.

Melissa.

I'm agreeing with him.

MAURICE: Hey, it looks like your

coworker needs somebody to talk to.

Ah, no. I don't think I should.

We was just at work

I'm talking about me.

Yeah, she's super cute. Short, too.

Just my type.

But is she tall enough

to ride all of the rides?

- Let's find out.

- Ah, no, no, Mo.

You don't want to do that. You don't.

She's She's more

of a relationship type.

And I know that's not

what you're looking for.

- Oh. Whatever.

- Yeah.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

What about her?

She kinda tall. That's also my type.

She can definitely ride all the rides.

- I mean, you're gonna regret it.

- That's perfect.

No, no, no, no. Okay, Mo, come here.

Look, how about anybody

other than my coworkers?

Anybody else.

Whatever, man.

- Anybody else.

- Ooh, hey.

- See?

Make it bounce like

her booty do, booty do ♪

She make it bounce like

her booty do, booty do ♪

I told her bounce like her booty do ♪

- MAN: Okay.

- I keep bread at all times ♪

Pigeon food ♪

Comin' to the stage,

shawty tryna see ♪

Shawty make it pump like 35 on 3 ♪

Nah'Tum'Bout ♪

Promissory cake for the D ♪

Big spenders wit' ya stash

times three ♪

Nah'Tum'Bout ♪

Shawty use to dance on da weekend ♪

- Hey.

- Hey.

How about half of

Abbott Elementary being here?

Is Barbara here?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.

No. No, no, no, no. She's not here.

There's too much sinning going on.

- Oh.

- Just Ava alone is

Yeah.

So, where's Amber?

- Oh, she's at home.

- Oh, okay.

Um Uh, at her her home,

not my We don't

We don't live together. I'm I'm

- I didn't think that you

- I'm just having a boys' night out.

- Okay. Yeah.

- With Yo.

Yeah, he's great.

I told her bounce like her booty do ♪

Yo, it seems like we're

the only ones not,

like, dancing or mingling.

I know. I know. We are weird.

Sh Should we go out there

and be normal together?

Yeah. I enjoy the act of being normal.

- I love it. Yeah.

- Then let's let's be normal.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Two people dancing.

- Uh-huh.

- Mingling.

- Yeah.

- Being normal.

- After you.

- Okay.

Drug dealer, thug or overseas ♪

All I'm saying is, like a lot of things,

Christmas trees

are stolen pagan traditions.

That doesn't bother you? Like

You know what? It really does.

I'm gonna head outside and see

if I can't get over it.

What a lovely idea.

But it's 30 degrees out.

My liquor coat will make it a toasty 42.

You know, while I got you, Rudolph

Created by advertisers.

To sell what? Red noses?

Boy, you sound ridiculous.

Two bad broads

looking like they down right ♪

Baby, tell me, is you down right? ♪

My squad, real stop,

messing with them clowns right ♪

Huh? What'd you say?

- I didn't say anything.

- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, that was funny.

Do you like this song?

Oh, I don't dance to songs I don't like.

I don't want the DJ

to get the wrong idea.

You know what? I don't like it

that much, either.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, me, too.

[LAUGHING] Can I grab her real quick?

- Huh?

- Thank you.

- Hey, girl.

- Hey.

- You having fun?

- I am.

Doing a little step touch?

You know it. Getting freaky.

Okay. No!

Girl, you acting like you got

a man at home,

and last time I checked, you don't.

I thought you was supposed

to be turning up tonight.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just I'm working up to it.

You've been working up to it for months.

Turn that ass up!

Okay. I-I will.

You will what?

I need to hear you say it.

I will Come on. Say it, baby girl.

- I will

- You will what?

I will turn that ass up!

That's right. Now go ahead

and make Juvenile proud.

- Come on.

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Will you try the cake I brought?

No one has even touched it.

You're ruining Christmas, man.

Oh, come on.

My cake can't be that bad, can it?

[LAUGHS]

- Oh.

- I'm not talking about the cake.

Listen, I don't like Christmas either.

You know what tinsel can do to a vacuum?

But you don't see me raining

on everyone's parade.

Oh, I think Barbara and Melissa

enjoy my withering takes on, uh

They chose frostbite

over your withering takes.

Yeah, I mean okay,

I guess I could dial back

the anti-Kringle rhetoric a bit.

You gotta do more than that.

This is over the top. What is your deal?

There is no deal, man. I

You can't lie to a janitor.

Plumbers, on the other hand

[SIGHS]

Look, Christmas is not

my favorite thing, okay?

I don't have a lot

of good memories around it.

Well, you had a good chance

to make a good

Christmas memory tonight,

and you blew it.

This is the only time

these ladies really get a break,

and you're grinching up the place.

You know what?

Night's not over yet.

[SIGHS]

Finally get to enjoy this

nasty ass cake in silence.

Okay, next year, we'll go back

to just you and me.

You sure you won't miss being visited

by the ghost of NPR's past?

Ooh! Ladies! Don't move!

I'll be right back!

Or you can move. Just, uh, don't leave.

[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS]

Merry Christmas to you, too, buddy!

That boy!

Let's go back inside now. Ugh.

Pull up in the back ♪

Jump out that coupe ♪

- Ooh.

- You good?

Yep.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

I'm stating the facts ♪

Better stomp that yard ♪

Before you ever try

to step to this cat ♪

Yeah, want to ride for the team? ♪

She like, "Hell yeah" ♪

What the

Not my work husband grinding

on my work nemesis.

Pour me something cheap

so I can spit it out.

Hit me again.

I don't really care

if you knocking my style ♪

I could just stare at those curves ♪

Hanging on every word ♪

You wear that thing that I like ♪

Bottle of Ace on some ice ♪

Close as we ever been ♪

Damn, Janine.

Why you can't move like that

during step practice?

Gregory, no notes.

You know, I'm-a go get some air.

- Yeah, I'm-a I'm-a join you.

- Okay.

Gregory, you still owe me a body sh*t.

Merry Christmas!

[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS]

Seriously?!

[DOOR RATTLING]

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, God.

Ooh!

What are you doing?

Saving Christmas!

Run! Run, Forrest, run!

No, wait! Wait, don't go yet.

Jacob, I'm sorry, but I can't

hear one more story

about how Santa's the devil himself.

Well, actually, in some cultures

You know, never mind.

Uh, you both love Christmas so much,

and I have been nothing

but a real Grinch all night.

I come to you with gifts,

as a token of my humble apology.

Tastykakes, candy

- scratchers?

- Ooh. Yes.

They were out of hot chocolate,

but I got room-temperature Yoohoo.

I will stick with the candy.

This has been, like, one of the

greatest Christmas experiences

I've ever had.

Greatest? [SCOFFS]

No wonder you hate Christmas so much.

♪

Look, the holidays

are a tough time for me.

Okay?

I got a lot of bad memories

around Christmas.

It's usually a lot of fighting,

a lot of dysfunction.

So, I'm I'm really sorry

I ruined it for both of you.

Oh.

Thank you for sharing, Jacob.

And thank you for the gifts.

That was very thoughtful.

And you see, Melissa,

the spirit of Christmas

has worked its magic after all.

Yeah, and I won 3 bucks.

Merry Jacob-mas.

Whew! There's not a lot

of ventilation in there.

Yeah, which is what you want

when you're inhaling

a lot of secondhand smoke.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay.

- [SHIVERS]

That was a fun dance. That was fun.

- Yeah. It was fun.

- Right?

- Yeah. It's

- I haven't done that in a while.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh. Wow.

Snow?

Beautiful.

♪

♪

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Um

Is that Amber?

- Yeah.

- Um, she decided to come out.

And I guess she's at a bar

around the corner.

- Oh.

- She wants me to meet her.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, for sure. You should go.

Adiós, mi amigos.

Feliz cumpleaños.

That's Happy Birthday.

I know. I don't know

why I'm speaking Spanish.

You gonna be good if I, um

Have a good break, Gregory.

[CHUCKLES]

Have a good break, Janine.

♪

♪

Hey. Have you seen Gregory?

I'm sorry. Looks like

you're in deep thought.

No, it's Gregory just left.

Hey, you know what's crazy?

It takes, like, an hour for a snowflake

to go from cloud to ground.

That's cool. How'd you know that?

I drink a lot of Snapple,

so I kinda know some facts.

I figured you would like it

'cause it's science.

Gregory told me about the egg

drop you did for your students.

He told you about that?

I work at UPS, so it's kind of like

an egg drop every day, you know?

We drop packages and [LAUGHS]

I'm Maurice.

You're Janine, right?

Yeah.

Um, look, I was thinking I would

come to Pittsburgh after all.

I cannot wait to eat endless ham

and sing those carols.

Well, maybe I could just,

like, hum along.

Me, too. Alright, great.

Bye.

Good tidings we bring ♪

To you and your kin ♪

Good tid ♪

WOMAN: Alright, bye, girl.

AVA: Bye, child. See you later.

What are you doing out here?

You know short people

freeze the fastest.

Where's your friend?

She's otherwise occupied.

So, you're just standing

out here by yourself?

Did you even meet anybody tonight,

or did you waste all

your time dancing with Gregory?

I actually did meet somebody.

But I think I'm gonna call it

a night and go home, so

Well, me and my boyfriend

are going to another bar,

and you all dressed up and looking good.

God knows when that's

gonna happen again, so

you're coming with us.

That actually sounds fun. Thank you.

Wait, you have a boyfriend?

You thought I was single?

[SCOFFS]

So, who is this boyfriend of yours?

And, like, how long has it been?

And what's his name?

Janine, I know we're not in school

and it's the holidays,

but I'll still fire you.

Okay, just start with how long

you've been dating him.

Well, he's been dating me

for five years,

but I've only been dating him for two.

You ready, babe?

Hope you're not too tired

from all that dancing.

Just got a second wind.

Are you three-time

NBA champion Andre Iguodala?

- Four-time.

- Oh.

- You must be Janine.

- I am.

You're even shorter than Ava said.

Call me Iggy.

Don't call him anything.

She's so funny.

[SQUEALS]

Wow.

Oh.

Yeah, I'll just get in

on the other side.

[LAUGHS]