10x10 - Worst Grinch Ever

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,

my mom always loved

- celebrating Hanukkah.

- Merry Hanukkah.

It was an over-the-top spectacle

- that would rival any Christmas.

- [Laughs]

Yeah, baby!

And now that there was

a new Goldberg in the house,

my mom was ready for it

to be the best Hanukkah ever.

- Until

- What in the holly jolly hell?

Can someone explain to me

the meaning of this?

Aww! Aww. It's Mrs. Claus.

- Squeeze her cookie-baking hand.

- ["Deck the Halls" plays]

What a delight.

- Is that a xylophone or a marimba?

- What it is is sacrilege.

- We are a Hanukkah family!

- Calm down, Golda Meir.

The baby just likes her because

she's soft. It's no biggie.

By placing Santa's gal pal

in the crib of my grandschmoo,

you are disrespecting

the holiday of our people.

Please. You don't even know

what Hanukkah's about.

- Of course I do!

- Yeah, I'm not talking about the menorah

or the inflatable dreidel on the lawn

that Barry always ends up

getting in a fight with.

I mean the real story of Hanukkah.

Let me just gather

my thoughts for a minute

because I have

so many specific, clear ones.

You know what would be fun? Blind folds.

Boys, tell Erica the true

meaning of Hanukkah.

- No problem.

- Easy peasy.

It begins in ancient times.

Moses led our people

to the championships.

And I'm not talking about Moses Malone.

- This guy couldn't even dunk.

- No.

It all started because there

were some bad dudes

being jerks to our distant

and let's be honest,

gross and sweaty ancestors.

- A beard in the desert? No, thank you.

- Such a bad start.

I don't want to get bogged down

in the details.

I think it's safe to say you didn't.

Don't forget, our good guys received

a huge treasure of chocolate money,

and they were like, "Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah. This tastes good."

- Wow. Just wow.

By the way, Erica,

the money is called gelt.

Okay, great work, everyone.

Proud moment for our people.

We're officially keeping Lady Santa.

- Um, I'm the only homemaker of the holiday season.

- ["Deck the Halls" plays]

Aww, it wouldn't be Hanukkah

without a physical altercation.

'Tis the season

for mother-daughter wrestling.

I also bought a dreidel. Anyone?

- Stop it!

- [Laughs] Yeah!

I'm twisted up inside ♪

But nonetheless,

I feel the need to say ♪

I don't know the future ♪

But the past keeps getting

clearer every day ♪

It was December 7, 1980-something,

and it was closing time at the diner.

Man, I only made 17 bucks

in tips tonight.

Happy holidays from Reagan's America.

- 'Sup with you and Carmen?

- Oh, I I don't know.

We haven't talked that much

since that night I slept at her place.

You slept over and didn't

talk to her after?

Bro. I have never respected you

before this moment.

I I just passed out on her couch.

Oh, no!

Maybe she's upset because

I didn't fold the blanket after.

- What a rude house guest!

- Dude.

You literally ruin every story,

even the interesting ones.

But she keeps peeking over and smiling.

♪

- [Chuckles]

- Good. Very casual.

Why would she be interested in me?

'Cause you're nothing like the

bad boys she's used to dating.

You're actually a little sweetie pie.

It's disgusting,

but she likes what she likes.

Now go ask her out. Come on.

Hey, Carmen. What's good

- in the hood?

- [Chuckles]

Now, I feel like we haven't

talked in a while.

Well, I guess things have been busy,

what with the holidays

and the excitement

about the closing of the calendar year.

♪

- Whoa.

- [Chuckles]

- Uh, what was that for?

- Mistletoe.

Oh! Thank you,

magical Christmas vegetation!

[Laughs] You are too cute.

So, um, you think, uh, maybe

and you're free to say no,

I won't be upset.

I mean, I will,

but that's not your problem

- Are you asking me out?

- Yyyyy nnnnnnn Yes?

[Laughs] It took you long enough.

Well, first eggnog's on me

because people have been

crazy generous with their tips.

I don't mean to objectify you,

but I think you're being rewarded

- because you're so pretty.

- You think I'm pretty?

Oh, wow, I was accidentally smooth.

- I mean Yeah, girl.

- [Laughs]

- You fine.

- Shh.

Mistletoe.

♪

While things were looking up

with Carmen,

my mom was giving Lou and Linda

the lowdown

on her big thr*at to Hanukkah.

Thank you for convening

for our first ever

Council of Grandparents meeting.

That sounds like nonsense,

but you made coffee cake, so I'm here.

I found this monstrosity

in Muriel's crib!

Is that Mrs. Garrett

from "The Facts of Life"?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- She's got that apron.

- Can we go one day without

- you talking about Mrs. Garrett?

- Here's a fact of life No.

It's Mrs. Claus.

Of the North Pole Clauses?

Our children bought this

for our granddaughter,

and despite my protestations,

she is keeping it.

- Oh, no, she's not!

- Why not?

- This toy is a gateway to Christmas.

- Thank you.

First the baby loves this old lady,

next thing you know,

she's making gingerbread houses

and talking lovingly about Connecticut.

And then we've lost her forever.

Because of a toy?

They have better music.

They get to put trees in their houses.

- Oh!

- Spiral cut ham!

My God, that baby is doomed.

Maybe Muriel could have

a little bit of Christmas.

My cousin's gynecologist's daughter

celebrated Christmas once

and got all caught up in the spirit.

Well, she fell off a ladder

hanging ornaments,

broke her pelvis,

and now she water-skis

from a special chair.

So she's still kinda doing it?

Our people don't water-ski, Linda!

I don't care how many pelvises you have.

We have to put a stop to this, but how?

- Maybe the toy goes missing.

- Mm-hmm.

Babies lose things all the time.

No, they don't. She lives in a crib.

Listen to me very carefully, Linda.

Mrs. Kringle here

is gonna sleep with the fishes.

Is that supposed to be menacing?

Because it looks like you ate a bad egg.

Lou scares no one,

but the sentiment is right.

Yay! We're gonna whack a child's toy!

[Laughs] Ho, ho, ho.

While the grandparents

were planning a hit,

Dave Kim and I were hitting the town.

Carmen just walked up to me in the diner

and had to have me.

That's remarkable.

Even as I hear it a third time.

Sorry. How's your romantic life at NYU?

My roommate seems to be

getting tons of action.

Sometimes I wake up to

his guest's enthusiastic noises,

- so I'm kinda part of it.

- Oh, balls.

Balls, indeed.

It was my ex-girlfriend, and

she was headed right for me.

- Hey, guys.

- Brea!

I didn't know you were

back from Brown yet.

Sorry. I I was gonna call you.

Joanne picked me up

from the train station

and we just came straight here.

I wasn't aware you two were

"get each other from

the train station" type homies.

Well, when you date a Goldberg,

you're homies for life.

You know, 'cause they crazy.

- [Both laugh]

- [Laughs] Good stuff.

♪

Sure, it was awkward running into my ex,

but we seemed to be in a good place.

Brea! Or so I thought.

Hey, bro. I'm Kirk, Brea's boyfriend.

My world was upside down,

and I needed answers.

She has a boyfriend?! And you knew?!

You and Brea aren't together anymore.

Broken up, split, nada, no moresies.

I knew this would happen.

I just thought it would be

in a distant future

where there are flying cars

and love is just a pill you take.

But it's now. Today.

Barry, did you know about Kirk?

I'm meeting him tonight. Tonight?

Everyone is moving so fast.

Relax, it's just dinner

at a fast-casual restaurant.

My brother is double-dating

with my girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend!

Dissolved, terminated,

undone, splintered,

poof, the Grand Canyon.

But Brea and I still talk all the time.

Why hasn't she mentioned him?

Maybe because she knew

you would act all nuts,

like you're doing now.

You know what? Don't worry, bro.

I'm Team Adam.

I'm gonna destroy this kid tonight.

- Thank you!

- Come again?

I'm sorry, Joanne, but it is

my fraternal duty to humiliate

and debase his ex-paramour's

current steady.

Whatever. I'm getting two wines.

Thanks, Bar.

You're finally a good person.

While I was anxious for Barry

to bring down Kirk,

the grandparents were trying

to keep Hanukkah alive.

Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.

Didn't know you were here.

Do we need a reason for hanging out?

We're just enjoying some of Beverly's

- periodicals.

- Fun stuff. I'm going to change the baby.

Is it weird that I love

her little tushie so much?

- No, it is not weird. [Chuckles]

- [Muriel coos]

[Distorted "Deck the Halls" plays]

- Do you hear something?

- Yeah. What is that?

♪

What the hell? Mrs. Claus!

Okay. Which one of you

made Santa single?

Damn it, Linda!

You were supposed to rip

the music box out of her belly

- so she'd stay quiet!

- Why am I on dismemberment duty?

- Okay, this is very, very dark.

- It doesn't matter.

What matters is that this family

is not in the market

for any new traditions.

Last time I checked,

you weren't in charge

- of how we raise our baby.

- No, you are not.

And maybe we don't even know how

we want to raise our child yet.

- No, we do not.

- What are you saying?

What I'm saying is,

you may not be in the market

for new traditions, but we are.

May the best holiday win.

♪

Oh! I hate how cute she looks

in that Santa suit!

My mom thought that

Erica's love for Christmas

would be a phase, but instead,

she doubled down

- [Dramatic music plays]

- Bah humbug!

even reading Muriel

a Dr. Seuss Christmas classic.

"And the Grinch grabbed the tree

and he started to shove,

when he heard a small sound

like the coo of a dove."

[Muriel babbles]

Oh, no! That Grinch

is stealing Christmas.

What kind of monster

would deny anyone Christmas?

And it didn't stop at the Grinch.

Tidings of comfort and joy,

comfort and joy ♪

O, tidings of comfort and joy ♪

Erica, I just love

your Christmas spirit.

Oh, yep. I'm here

for all the right reasons.

- What an odd and worrying thing to say.

- [Tires squeal]

- [Horn honks]

- Oh, hi, Mom! Check us out!

Grandma Ginzy is embracing us

with songs and merriment.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no.

- I'm not part of this!

- [Engine revving]

The only baby in my life is Jesus!

Please don't hurt me! [Bleep]

Erica had officially gone too far.

So my mom decided to fight fire

with religious fire.

- Hello, wayward sheep.

- What's going on here?

And who's our yarmulked guest?

This is Rabbi Adler.

I thought I'd invite him over

for the first night of Hanukkah.

- Fifth.

- Get on with it.

Tell us about all the delicious

food we can't eat, padre.

Well, I'd start with the shrimp parmesan

- your mother served me.

- Beverly: God forgives!

But you should know,

Erica was singing noels

with the people

that buy all the poinsettias.

Okay, I'm so confused.

What's going on here, Dad?

We all made a very generous donation

to the temple on Muriel's behalf.

They're finally gonna get

to reseal that parking lot.

So while we were having a date night,

you were indoctrinating our child?

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

It was a nice move,

but I'm afraid you're a little too late.

What does that mean?

It meant that Erica

had already gotten help

turning Muriel's room

into a Christmas wonderland.

- [Humming]

- Virginia Gregory Kremp!

Okay, Erica asked me to do this,

and it's the season for giving,

so I had to.

- I'm so scared.

- We've made our choice.

- Our child is a Christmas baby now.

- [Gasps]

I should skedaddle.

Thank you for the new driveway.

Happy Hanu Holidays.

Yep, Erica had created Christmas cheer

in the Goldberg house.

Meanwhile, Barry was determined

to destroy Kirk.

- Ooh. I'm sorry, friend.

- Oh!

I almost made you trip so badly,

- no woman could love or respect you.

- No worries.

But that was gonna be harder

than he thought.

Fun idea Should we get

all 27 cheesecakes?

That's not a fun idea.

♪

- That's a perfect one, Kirk.

- Hello, dummies.

You can't get all the cheesecakes.

That's like $200.

Despite Barry's best efforts

to make life hell for Kirk,

- it wasn't happening

- [Laughter]

because Kirk was kinda great.

I can't tell you how much I admire

- that you're studying to be a doctor.

- Oh. Y You could try.

- [Both laugh]

- Cheers.

And specifically,

he was Barry's kind of great.

You are so much more jacked than me.

Eh, you're squeezing too hard, but yeah.

And finally

Ninjas are by far the warriors

that I respect the most.

After dinner, we'll put on black pajamas

and pretend to k*ll a shogun.

- Yeah!

- Yes!

Yep, Barry's feelings

for Brea's new beau

were not what I expected.

I love Kirk.

Whatever. He's just a rebound.

He's not even Brea's type.

Adam, look at me. He's everybody's type.

Sorry, bud, but maybe you should

give him a chance.

He's coming with Brea

to the JTP's holiday party.

You mean the thing

I'm definitely not going to now?

Then you'll be missing out

on a lot of funny Kirk stories.

One time, he jumped so high,

he almost touched a branch.

He tells it better.

[Scoffs] You guys have fun.

I'll be home, imagining the worst.

Adam, you don't have to go

to the party alone.

Why don't you invite that girl

from the diner?

Carmen. Of course.

She's as pretty as Kirk is.

And once Brea sees her,

we'll both be miserable!

[Laughs] It's a perfect plan.

As I was excited to ruin

Brea's relationship with Kirk,

Erica was disappointed

to find Christmas erased

- from the baby's nursery.

- Mom!

You just couldn't help yourself,

could you?

- Excuse me?

- Sure, I got a little carried away,

- but this is too far!

- Well, that certainly does sound like me,

but I don't know

what you're talking about.

You ripped down

all of the baby's decorations.

You're the Grinch who stole Christmas.

- Erica, I didn't so it. I swear.

- Stop. It was me, okay?

I'm the Grinch. Everyone happy?

With that, Geoff had spilled his secret.

Meanwhile, it was time for

my plan to take down Kirk

a secret gift for Brea

that would remind her

of everything we had.

Hey, everyone.

I'd like you to meet Carmen.

- Barry: Welcome.

- Hey.

Is this one of those

"Can't Buy Me Love" situations

where you're paying her

to be your girlfriend

with the earnings from your

successful mowing business?

- [Laughs] No, it's not.

- Didn't hurt to ask.

In fact, it did.

Alright, everybody's here.

Ruffles are on our one plate.

- Yankee Swap time!

- Whoo!

So everyone takes a number, and

put your presents on the table.

Yankee Swap?

It's just a way for Barry

and his cheap buddies

to get out of buying everyone a gift.

- Got it.

- Barry: Alright.

Now, if your present is awesome,

you can keep it.

But if your present is trash,

you can steal someone else's.

Lastly, if your present is

stolen, you can pick a new one.

- Who's got number one?

- Ooh! I do!

Let's go!

Ah! "The Shining" by Stephen King.

Well, the movie was hilarious,

so let's see what chuckles

the book brings.

- Words on paper? Lame. Who's next?

- I'm the deuce.

- [Paper ripping]

- Oh! A Discman?

- No way. Oh!

- I bought that, Kirk.

I'm the one who made you this happy.

- Barry, that's too expensive.

- I'm number three.

Which means, of course,

I will be taking that.

- Nooooo!

- It's cool.

Bar, I'll just get something else.

- It's okay.

- Okay.

And Kirk did get something else

my secret present for Brea.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- That's not meant for

- Whoa.

It's a necklace.

Brea, help me get

this tasteful bad boy on.

Not a lot of guys

can pull off a necklace,

- but leave it to Kirk.

- It looks like a locket.

Nope. Definitely not a locket.

Oh, Brea, it's you and

- Adam.

- What?

- Yeah, same. What?

- So weird!

Who brought this incredibly

intimate gift?

- It's clearly you.

- Scandalous.

- I have a Discman.

- Holidays. Am I right?

So I'll be stealing that back

from you, Kirk,

- when it's my turn.

- Kirk can't catch a break.

Hey, if you think about it,

he's the one who stole

- Brea from me in the first place.

- Stole me?

- Digging himself deeper.

- I'm outraged.

- It has a stabilizer for jogging.

- Let me explain.

See, Kirk sucks?

[Murmuring] Oh, my

- Brea, wait!

- [Door opens]

Adam, I was wrong about you.

You are like

all the other guys I dated

- a jerk.

- Carmen, wait!

How dare you speak to Kirk like that?

- Kirk, get our coats.

- Barry, wait!

♪

With Geoff having admitted

to out-Grinching Beverly,

Erica was full of questions.

Why the hell did you steal Christmas?

How the hell did you steal Christmas?

Well, it wasn't easy.

I went in her room and saw

those candy canes hung in a row.

"These candy canes," I said,

"are the first things to go."

Okay, so you're gonna do the

whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?

I'm just trying to stay on theme.

Alright, well, keep going

until I figure out

how to punch you

without leaving a bruise.

- I slithered and slunk.

- Slunk?

But with a smile most pleasant,

I went around the room

and I took every present.

Sure, but how did you manage

to get the tree

out of there without anyone noticing?

That was a toughie 'cause

I ran into a little setback.

Geoff, why are you taking out

the Christmas tree?

Geoff: But you know me.

I'm smart and I'm slick.

So I thought up a lie

and I thought it up quick.

- 'Cause I got an even better one.

- Oh, okay. Great!

- Seasons greetings.

- Yeah.

What a fun little distraction

from the real question.

Why did you do it?

Erica, I know Christmas is wonderful.

Everyone knows Christmas is wonderful.

But it's not who we are.

- But it can be.

- Why?

Because you want to throw it

in our parents' faces,

or because it's actually

meaningful to you?

What if the throwing it in their

faces is what's meaningful?

[Scoffs]

Look, I know I haven't always

been the most observant,

but our traditions matter to me,

- and I thought they mattered to you, too.

- They do.

Well, I want Muriel to be raised

like we were.

- Because she's part of us.

- The best part of us.

♪

Okay, so our baby won't be

a Christmas kid.

But can we at least

use some of the presents

- for her first Hanukkah?

- Oh, you mean these?

♪

Worst Grinch ever.

Adult Adam: Geoff had managed

to save the holidays.

Meanwhile, I was trying

to save face with Brea.

- Hey. So, that was strange.

- I wonder who made it strange.

Look, I was blindsided

seeing you with a guy.

- You never mentioned him.

- [Sighs] I'm sorry.

But it's hard to say out loud

that we're moving on.

- Obviously, for both of us.

- It might just be one of us.

Carmen looked a tiny bit upset.

- You'll figure it out.

- I hope so.

She's great.

And, for what it's worth,

Kirk seems great, too.

I should apologize to him.

I think there's someone else

you should talk to first.

- You're right.

- I always am.

- Now go.

- Just know, I'm happy for you.

Seriously.

♪

- Happy Holidays, Adam Goldberg.

- Happy Holidays, Brea Bee.

♪

It was weird, but I actually felt okay.

[Door closes] I realized I had just been

holding on to the past

by trying to hold on to Brea

when there was something pretty

amazing right in front of me.

- Yeah?

- Carmen, I don't deserve it,

but can I please try

to make up for tonight?

It's fine.

Clearly, you have

unfinished stuff with your ex.

No, I don't. Not anymore.

And I swear to you, I am a good guy.

The thing is, good guys

don't have to say that.

- They just are.

- Fair enough.

Thank you for your time.

So you're just gonna give up?

I'm not worth fighting for?

Okay. Well, here it goes.

Carmen, I've had

an incredibly difficult year

with a million different setbacks,

but seeing you every day at the diner

is the one thing I look forward to,

and I really don't want to lose that.

♪

- Then don't.

- Oh, whoa.

- You seem receptive.

- Little bit.

Guess what we're standing under?

- So the good guy gets the girl?

- We'll see.

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow ♪

Don't stop, it'll soon be here ♪

And that's the thing about the holidays.

Whether it's old traditions

that remind us who we are

Don't stop thinking ♪

or new experiences

that fill us with hope

Don't stop, it'll soon be here ♪

being there for one another

always makes

for a season full of joy

that no Grinch could ever steal.

Ooh ♪

What the hell am I looking at?

Are you bedazzling?!

- It's for the baby. Check it!

- "I love you a latke."

Oh! My perfect angel is so clever!

- And on the back

- "Oy to the world!"

So many puns. I am dying

from holiday happiness.

Yeah. I did learn from the best.

You cherish and honor me.

But your sewing is crap. Give it to me.

I'll redo it and make five more.

♪