04x01 - Doom Patrol

[bunniefuu]

[WIND BLOWING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[STATIC]

[PINGING]

[SNARLING]

[WIND HOWLING]

[PINGING]

[GROUND RUMBLING]

[PINGING STOPS]

This is recording 297.

Observations of the Doom

Patrol by Dr. Harrison, day 93.

The Codpiece mission.

I continue to be astounded by the

garden of psychological plights

presented by this group.

It's been three months

and my decision to stay

continues to pay dividends.

This bargain basement sideshow has

been working as a superhero team,

aptly named the Doom Patrol.

["ANIMAL (FK LIKE A BEAST)" PLAYING]

I got pictures of Naked ladies ♪

Lying on their beds ♪

[DR. HARRISON] Rita has carved

out a starring role for herself

as team leader, because

no one wanted the job.

Ready? Positions.

And action!

I start to howl I'm in heat ♪

I moan and growl ♪

And the hunt drives me crazy ♪

[g*n FIRES]

I f*ck like a beast ♪

I come round, round

I come feel your love ♪

[DR. HARRISON] But this failed starlet,

failed high school drama teacher

and failed community theater extra

seems to have found

her niche, by default.

Believe it or not, she's led

this busted Justice League

to seven successful missions.

Dear Rita tackles the job

with endless enthusiasm

despite the lack of cooperation

or respect of her teammates.

[SIGHS]

Any questions?

[CLIFF] Yeah, not going after Codpiece,

and not doing codenames.

A question beings with "who," "what,"

"where," "when" or "why," Clifford.

Why do you get to pick the codenames?

Because they suck.

When you spend days researching

and plotting missions

while getting paper

cuts and inky fingers,

you can choose the codenames, okay?

Until then, you're Robotman.

Dr. Harrison is Crazy Jane.

Larry is Negative Man,

Vic is Cyborg and, Rouge,

you're Dogshit McGivens.

[DR. HARRISON] Rita's ire for Madam

Rouge is as hot and fiery as ever.

And Rouge eats healthy doses of her sh*t

because she desperately

wants to make amends

for Malcolm and the Sisterhood.

Even though it runs

counter to her true nature.

Yeah. Good choice.

Mmm-hmm. Elasta-Woman.

Thank you.

[DR. HARRISON] In between hating

Rouge and being disrespected,

Rita had the good idea

to attach The Brain's robot

head to the time machine.

Now, we no longer have to hurdle

through space, time,

duct taped to Shipley.

She also solved the time

travel memory loss problem.

[HISSES] Ah!

[DR. HARRISON]

Strangely enough, with jellyfish.

[SIGHS]

I couldn't tell you why it works.

But it does.

Oh, no, thanks.

[WHOOSHING]

[VIC] Codpiece just robbed the bank.

Can we speed this up, please?

["ANIMAL (FK LIKE A

BEAST)" CONTINUES PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[DR. HARRISON PANTING]

[SCOFFS] Not everyone can handle

a full-load from this big g*n.

- [RITA] So juvenile.

- [DR. HARRISON] Overcompensating much?

- [CLIFF] Gross.

- Everyone back to order.

- I've seen bigger.

- [LARRY] That's disgusting.

[SIGHS] Robotman, flank him on the left.

I got pictures of Naked ladies ♪

Lying on their beds ♪

Robotman.

Robotman!

I whiff that smell ♪

And sweet convulsion ♪

Clifasaurous.

Left flank. Got it.

I'm making Artificial

lovers for free ♪

[g*n f*ring]

I moan and growl ♪

And the hunt drives me crazy ♪

I f*ck like a beast ♪

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

[GRUNTING]

I come steal your love ♪

Dogshit McGivens, draw his fire

while the others get to safety.

Draw his fire? Seriously?

[SHOUTING] Just do it!

f*ckin' hell.

[SCREAMS]

[MADAME ROUGE YELPS]

I come steal your love ♪

[RITA] Not behind the bush.

His a*mo will cut right through.

Just like my multi-man batter.

[SIGHS]

Could you try not to be

disgusting for two seconds?

A pelvic thrust and the sweat ♪

Starts to sting ya ♪

I f*ck like a beast ♪

[DR. HARRISON] Rita tries to

control the team's every move

because she can't bear to

lose another loved one.

Diagnosis?

A textbook perfectionist,

slash, narcissist

with survivor skill and PTSD.

Vic and his father repaired most

of the Robotman's smooshed body.

However, the testicle creature

incident led to global shipping delays

and they're still waiting

on parts for his other arm.

Okay. I'm gonna go rip his d*ck off.

[CLIFF] God damn, son of a

No. No! No. Still grateful

for my crappy petite body.

Everyday outside that

giant robot is a blessing.

[DR. HARRISON] I suspect

Cliff has a low IQ

due to poor breeding, a Florida

public school education,

and race car fumes.

Diagnosis,

a grade A simpleton.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[DR. HARRISON] The hero

formally known as Useful

has settled into place as

the team's one man IT squad.

Without his tech, Rita prefers

he stay out of harm's way.

But Vic is unsatisfied by his

new role and yearns to do more.

Elasta-Woman, you got a bogey flyin' in.

Elasta-Woman.

Hey! Yo, that's far enough.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Don't Don't do anything.

I'm not really part of Codpiece's crew.

I'm I'm just the IT guy.

What do you mean, "Just the IT guy?"

You're an integral part of his villainy.

You're the foundation he builds

his nefarious successes on.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Yeah, I I am vital.

I guess I am important, huh?

[LAUGHS]

- [SNIFFLES, GRUNTS]

- Are you good?

[SHUSHES]

Yeah. Yeah, just just hang on.

I can't do it if people

are talking. [SNIFFLES]

- [GRUNTING]

- [w*apon LOADING]

sh*t.

Oh. Oh. sh*t.

[IT GUY GRUNTS IN PAIN]

What was your part of the plan?

Was it to engage with an

ass-bazooka wielding twit?

But he was literal

[RITA] I don't want to hear it.

You stick to the plan or you stay home.

[DR. HARRISON] Plain old Vic

takes the red-headed miss'

admonishments as a lack

of faith in his abilities.

He doesn't realize she too was

working through her own issues.

Together they form the perfect

storm of psychological inadequacies.

Though Vic fearlessly jumped

into the fray against a nimrod

with a rump cannon,

he's far less courageous when

it comes to following through

on the promise he made

himself to find his happiness.

Diagnosis, personality

dysmorphia and social cowardice.

[SIREN WAILING]

Larry and Keeg have been

getting on like a house on fire.

It may be the first reported case

of a host developing Stockholm

syndrome towards its parasite.

Oh. [GROANS]

[DR. HARRISON] Larry's managed

to let go of himself enough

to share his life and body with Keeg

in a way he never could with the

Negative Spirit or his human family.

And though Larry tells himself

the new life he's forged

with the neon leech

is fulfilling enough,

the truth is, he yearns for more.

I'm fine, buddy. Just you and me.

[DR. HARRISON] Diagnosis,

good old-fashion self-loathing with

a healthy dash of co-dependency.

Madame Rouge refuses the

jellyfish on every mission

because it gives her

the briefest respite

from remembering her betrayal

of Malcolm and the Sisterhood.

Oh. Excuse me!

What am I meant to be doing again? I

What? You don't remember?

Transform into something

to psych him out.

Right.

[CLIFF] Holy sh*t! Nice one, Rouge.

[GRUNTING]

[MIMICKING g*nshots, GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Are you body shaming me?

That's some next level evil.

I won't even go there.

[YELLS] I'll k*ll your face! So hard!

[DR. HARRISON] But Rouge's memories

always return with a vengeance.

[EXHALES]

[DR. HARRISON] And she's

created a nasty ritual

that's a form of

psychological self-harm.

The results are always the same

and she's forced to face the

fact that she's relegated

hundreds of people to obsolescence.

Though all encompassing,

her pain is a quiet one.

The kind that's always there,

just under the surface, smoldering,

looking for something to catch,

but never finding anything.

Diagnosis,

self-loathing doormat with

sociopathic tendencies.

As for me, I've managed

to find my own place

amongst this bunch of walking tragedies.

One that makes use of

my specific talents.

Come now, Mr. Codpiece,

who are you really mad at?

Because it can't possibly be me.

You don't even know me.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

I know I only get one phone call, Dr. H,

but I think you're right.

It should be to my mom.

[DR. HARRISON] This doomed

patrol is the El Dorado

of psychological dysfunctions.

I could publish volumes

based on my observations.

- [THUDS]

- Oh.

Thank you.

[DR. HARRISON] Unfortunately,

my attention has been divided,

between my work and my obligations.

- That's too much.

- [SNIFFLES]

Abuelita only uses two shakes.

Really?

Why are you here, H?

To ask you the same question.

The others are all searching for Kay.

Why aren't you?

Because I can think of better ways

of wasting my time, like

trying to eat my own face.

So you're not concerned about the girl?

[JANE] Of course I'm f*cking concerned.

But Kay constructed this place.

And if she doesn't want to be found,

[SOFTLY] we're not going to find her.

So you're here in her memories,

enjoying warm beverages.

I'm doing something actually useful.

I'm trying to figure

out what the girl needs.

- Wanna know what I think?

- Mmm.

Yeah, more than anything I've ever

wanted in my entire miserable life.

I think you're on vacation here.

Hiding in the girl's memories

to avoid your responsibilities.

How relieved you must feel

of not having the weight

of it all on your shoulders.

Or maybe this is just sour grapes.

After all, the girl did disappear,

under your watch.

Mmm.

Remind me where you went

to medical school again?

Was it the University of

I-Watched-A-sh*t-Ton- Of-Sally-Jesse-Raphael?

Enjoy your stay, Jane.

[DOOR CREAKING, CLOSING]

[DRILLING]

- Looks good.

- Yep.

So then, boom!

With the press of a cell phone button,

she teleported the entire bus of

Edgelords into the Phantom Zone,

which they didn't seem to hate.

But we, uh, we busted them out anyway.

[LAUGHS] Cell Phone Silvia, huh?

- Yup!

- And what was your part in this caper?

Me? Yeah, I, um

I downloaded her phone's

user menu from the internet.

That thing is over ten years old.

Man! That was hard to find.

Sounds like you're keeping busy.

Yeah.

But, um,

are you leaving any

time to find your bliss?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I didn't ditch my tech to spite you.

When are you gonna understand

that this choice was about me?

It wasn't an accusation, son.

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

The truth is, this isn't as

easy as I thought it would be.

Scary tryin' to find yourself, isn't it?

I think I'd rather take on an Edgelord.

[LAUGHS]

Now, just give yourself time.

You'll get there.

[SIGHS]

Looks like we're done here.

Thanks for your help on this, Dad.

He's gonna be psyched.

Of course.

It was fun.

Yeah, it was.

Let's gather the troops.

[ALARM BLARING]

[CLIFF] All right, all right, all right.

Whose face are we stomping

justice into today?

Is that my f*cking arm?

As a matter of fact, it is.

[CHUCKLING] f*ck. f*cking sweetness!

Why is everyone else here?

Well, we couldn't make your

arm exactly like it was so, um,

we decided to make it better.

Looks like the same old shitty robot arm

with the same old shitty robot fingers

that I can't type for sh*t with,

or write, or bowl.

We

We gave you the sense of touch

In one finger.

But over time,

if things work the way

they're supposed to,

the nanites will spread

to your other fingers.

[CLIFF GASPS] Wh

I'll be able to feel with my whole hand?

That's the plan, Robotman.

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLING] I don't know what to say.

[LAUGHS] Thank you!

Uh, from my bottom of

my non-existent heart.

- [CHUCKLING]

- [VIC GROANING] All right.

- [SILAS] Okay.

- [VIC] All right.

[CHUCKLES]

- [MUFFLED GROANS FROM VIC AND SILAS]

- [LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHING]

And this how you say

"f*ck you" in England.

Now we can calibrate

your sense of touch.

Let's start with the cotton.

Uh, would it be okay if I didn't?

It would be better if you did.

You you mind telling

us why you don't want to?

I haven't felt anything for 40 years.

I think the first thing I'd

like to touch is my grandson.

- [CLIFF SIGHS]

- Cliff,

not to be a spoilsport but technically,

you are touching that oven mitt.

Doesn't count. Doesn't count.

But, g*dd*mn, it's soft.

Come on, f*ck nuts!

To the time machine!

We're going to f*cking Florida!

Um, Clifford, I know

that you are excited,

but the time machine is not an Uber.

It is a crime fighting apparatus.

[MADAME ROUGE] Oh, come on, Rita.

What is the harm in a wee jaunt

to America's sweaty armpit?

This is a joyous occasion.

Why don't you make a little exception?

Oh, what's the harm?

- Yeah, come on, Rita.

- Don't be so controlling.

- Be cool for once.

- [SIGHS]

All right, all right, all right.

Just this once.

f*ck yeah, let's roll!

I think I'll sit this one

out. I am allergic to jellyfish

and experimental fringe science.

- Take care, son.

- [CHUCKLING] All right, Dad.

I'll talk to you.

Um, Rita, a private word?

What is it?

Uh, well, I, um, thought over time

if I consumed enough of your sh*t,

- I I'd earn your forgiveness but I'm realizing that's

- [SCOFFS]

Probably never gonna happen.

And since my presence here

is a constant trigger for you,

I was thinking, perhaps maybe, once I

Well, perhaps maybe, once

we all return from Florida,

it might be best that I

find somewhere else to live.

Unless of course, you can

find it in your heart to

[SIGHS]

Forgive me.

[CLICKS TONGUE] I hear there

are a lot of nice efficiencies

in Cloverton, if you

don't mind getting scabies.

I I don't actually.

And perhaps maybe you could give me

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Give me the address.

This is the best day of

my entire freaking life!

Can we leave already?

Why have we not left yet?

No, thank you.

No, you listen here, Madame Rouge.

You will put this jellyfish

on top of your peanut head

because I want you to remember

every word of your promise

to leave my home.

Oh, f*cking

Okay, Florida five minutes

from now. Everybody ready?

[SEATBELT CLICKS]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

- [SHIPLEY RUMBLING]

- [WHOOSHES]

Shipley, play some

travel tunes, will ya?

[CLIFF] Hands ♪

Touching hands ♪

Reaching out ♪

Touching me ♪

Touching you ♪

[ALL] Sweet Caroline ♪

Pa, pa, pa ♪

Good times never seemed so good ♪

So good, so good, so good ♪

[SIGHS] Are you an animal,

vegetable or mineral?

Yes.

Are you Animal Vegetable Mineral Man?

Damn it! I thought that'd be harder.

What else could possibly

fit that description?

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

You guys seein' this?

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[DR. HARRISON] Oh, it's

probably another time goat.

Let's not get paranoid.

It's a woman.

- [SCREAMING]

- [GRUNTS]

- [RUMBLING]

- [ALARM BLARING]

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.

Help me. Help me please.

Is this bad? 'Cause this

feels pretty f*cking bad.

I don't think it's good.

I know her.

She likes to watch

people pee. No judgement.

That's Isabel Feathers.

Who?

The talentless wannabe who portrayed me

in the Cloverton Theatre's

Our Town, huh.

[ISABEL] Help, help me!

- [VIC] Should we let her in?

- No.

Let me in. Let me in. Let

me in. Let me in. [SCREAMS]

What's she doing in the time stream?

Uh, that might be my bad.

When I arrived in Cloverton,

she watched me taking a massive wazz,

then fell right into my time hole.

I I didn't think it

was worth mentioning.

Please! Angry Jesus!

Don't let me die before

I touch my grandbaby!

[AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING]

Arrival imminent. Arrival imminent.

When are we headed, Victor? What year?

No idea.

Everybody brace for impact.

This is gonna be a rough landing.

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMING]

- [RUMBLING]

- [CRASHING]

- [SHIPLEY SLOWS DOWN]

- [WHOOSHING]

[RITA] Is everyone okay?

[LARRY] I think so.

Where on earth are we?

When are we?

[CLIFF] Doesn't matter and don't care.

Let's just hop back into Shipley

and get back on track to the FLA.

Shipley's overheated.

It's gonna be a while before

we can shove off again.

I think I know where we are.

[MADAME ROUGE] Um

I think we went a little further

than five minutes into the future.

Well, what do you suppose

the shotgun is for?

[GROWLING]

For whatever the f*ck that is.

Executive decision.

Yep.

And and go where exactly?

[LARRY] There's no place like home.

Wow.

This reminds me of my mother's house.

She was a hoarder,

and a w*r profiteer.

The air's really stale.

Maybe no one's living here anymore.

Well, we'd better have a

look through just in case.

Everyone, I have found something.

What is it?

[RITA] Hmm.

Vienna sausages and Skittles.

Ew. On both fronts.

I haven't seen sh*t

like this since the '70s.

And we were all high as f*ck back then.

No, wait.

[LEVER CLICKING]

- [ALL SCREAMING]

- [THUDDING]

- [MADAME ROUGE] f*cking assh*le!

- [VIC] Why did you do that?

God.

- [CLIFF] Oops.

- [MADAME ROUGE] Idiot!

- [VIC] You had to touch the weiner?

- [DISTANT THUDS]

[WHISPERS] Quiet. We're not alone.

Welcome to 2042.

[CLIFF] Holy sh*t bears!

Who is it?

[CLIFF] It's you.

A rusty, busted version of you.

The hell? Yo, let me through.

Yo, let me through.

If this mitt falls off and I

touch something that isn't

- Someone is kicking me. Stop kicking me.

- my grandson's perfect skin

- [GRUNTING]

- I will m*rder every single one of you.

- [CLIFF WHISPERING] This is weird.

- [ALL SHUSHING]

What's that on your face?

Is that tech?

Who wants tea?

[FUTURE VIC] It all

started about 20 years ago,

Cloverton was the epicenter.

Spread slow at first

and after a few weeks it was everywhere.

[CLIFF] Hey, Omega man,

you wanna skip the dramatics

and just tell us what the lemon

drizzled [SHOUTING] f*ck happened?

Papers called it The Buttpocalypse.

[ALL SNICKERING]

I think he's serious.

No, that's impossible.

We k*lled those assholes.

Apparently, we missed one.

And infected it with zombiism.

You mean to tell us the

world has been overtaken

by Zombie Butts?

[LARRY] That we created?

I mean, the zombie part anyway.

It's about the size of it, yeah.

Where are the rest of us?

You tend to stick to your

rooms for the most part.

Go say hi if you want.

Rouge.

[MADAME ROUGE SIGHS]

You won't find anyone in your room.

Oh.

Did I change rooms?

Did I just pop out for my laundry?

Well, that can only

mean one thing. [SIGHS]

I am at a LARPing retreat.

I am dead then, aren't I?

Actually, I don't know

what happened to you.

You moved out right

before sh*t kicked off.

We lost track of you soon after.

Well, then I could still be out there,

thriving under the New World Order. I

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

Look, I go into

Cloverton nearly every day

and I'm yet to see another survivor.

I'm sorry.

Vic, take a walk with me.

Something I gotta show you.

[ALL] What the f*ck?

Larry? Keeg?

[SIGHS] What the hell is goin' on here?

Hello!

Rita?

I know what this is. It's a death hoop.

Rita Vivian Farr,

I know what you're doing, and

I want you to stop this instant.

[GRUNTS] You're not

fooling anyone, you know.

This is the exact same

blocking we did in the picture,

The Return of Ghost Gal,

Ghost Gal's Gal Pal.

[SIGHS] Pish.

I was hoping you would have forgotten.

Well, what do you want?

- For starters

- They're dead.

Everyone's dead.

I see.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] Let me guess.

I had a carefully well laid

out plan and nobody followed it.

Not exactly.

[RITA] It was Rouge.

Rouge betrayed us like she

did the Sisterhood of Dada.

No.

It turns out we were about as good

at being a team leader as we were

at being a high school drama teacher.

How can that be?

I I We have an undefeated record.

It's complicated.

[CLEARS THROAT] There's a lot to unpack.

Tell me everything.

Well, are you going to talk

or just continue staring

out the window like

a catatonic tuna fish?

Are you really in such denial that

you can't deduce what happened?

Perhaps you're too much of a

coward to own up to your actions.

Cut the sh*t, H.

Your pathological arrogance

got the girl k*lled.

No. In my time the girl is still alive.

I haven't done anything yet.

It was you.

Was that a different clan

of cataclysmic misfits

you darkened my doorstep with?

But that's impossible.

- The girl is

- Your primary concern.

Guess again, sister.

If you were really

interested in protecting her,

you would have taken

her far from this place

and these people right after

you seized control from Jane.

But no,

you were more interested in emotionally

dissecting your little lab rats,

and now Kay is dead.

[WHISPERING] Peace

[MUTTERING]

[WHISPERING] Continued on A-13.

A-13?

[MUTTERING]

[WHISPERS] Where is A-13?

Oh.

What the f*ck?

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

So, you can't, uh, f*ck

with the sex ghosts at all?

Sure, sure.

I mean, not literally.

I mostly do a lot of

watching and commenting.

But that's not really what

you wanna ask me about, is it?

No.

- Are they

- Clara and Rory are fine.

They took Mille's dad's

boat out on the Atlantic

and are safe and sound.

[CLIFF] Really?

No.

Tell me.

Bro, you don't want to know.

Can you at least tell

me what happened to me?

Parkinson's got us.

[CLIFF] Really?

Bro, [CHUCKLING] you do not wanna know.

[SHOUTING] Listen, bro!

Either you start talking or

I'll make it my life's mission

to figure out how to

rip off your ghost head

and sh*t down your ghost neck.

Which would entail a side mission

of figuring out how to take a sh*t,

but so help me, I will f*cking do it!

[CHUCKLING] Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Jesus.

You want the truth? Here it is.

Your perfect grandson, Rory,

you never get to touch him.

Because I d*ed before

I could get to Florida?

Bro, you do not want to know.

Oh, there you are.

My God, we're dead.

Hey!

Hello?

Yeah, that tracks.

Future Keeg.

Future Keeg, release.

Hey, whe where's Keeg, Larry?

Larry, please.

Where is he?

Keeg doesn't live here anymore.

Wha what happened to him?

What the hell did you do?

Hey! I'm talking to you.

Larry, I'm talking to you!

[ENERGY PULSATING]

[POWER SURGING]

Oh, thank God.

[CHUCKLING] Look at you!

You're all grown up.

How you doing, buddy?

And what does he mean, "You

don't live here anymore?"

Huh? You look You can talk to me.

What is going on here?

- [ENERGY PULSATING]

- [GRUNTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey, what's happening?

What are you doing to him?

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENERGY PULSATING]

[POWER SURGING]

Whoa!

[PANTS]

What the hell did he say to you?

[THUDS]

[EXHALES]

Oh, my f*ck sticks.

[VIC GRUNTING]

- [GASPS] sh1tting hell!

- [GRUNTING]

- [GROANS]

- [PANTING]

He's gonna steal the time machine.

Sooner or later, if

they don't get eaten,

they're gonna make their way here.

If you all keep them occupied,

I'll double back and take Shipley.

I may be in the minority,

but perhaps we should give

our past selves a chance.

Maybe with our guidance, they

can avert this terrible future.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I can't believe you got through

that with a straight face!

[ALL LAUGHING]

You're trusting those morons to

right the future. Could you imagine?

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

- [WIND BLOWING]

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[VIC] Going somewhere?

I don't want to fight you.

I bet you don't, old man.

Or talking is also good.

This is for the best. For all of us.

How is stealing the time machine

instead of telling us

how to stop this better?

Look, you're just gonna f*ck it up.

The way I see it, we haven't

f*cked up anything yet.

It was you all who caused

this future, not us.

If you know how to avoid

this, then you need to tell me.

There's no point.

Where you're at right now,

you're not gonna hear me.

Where am I at?

You still think you're on-plan?

- You just don't get it

- Don't get what?

[RITA] What about us?

Are we in a clear headspace?

[ZOMBIE BUTTS GROWLING]

[GROWLING, SNARLING]

You better be. They're here.

[GROWLING]

[CRASHING]

[YELPING]

[CLIFF] f*ck these f*cking Butts.

We kicked their asses

once, we can do it again!

That's exactly what

you said 20 years ago,

When a Butt cracked your

head like an egg and ate you.

Thank you. Finally,

someone tells me how I die.

[SNARLING]

- [ROARING]

- [GROWLING]

- [GRUNTS]

- [YELPING]

Careful. Don't let them bite you.

We can't win this.

- We have to go.

- No! Not until he talks.

I love a fight as much

as the next robot

- [SNARLING]

- But, this is nuts.

- [GROWLING]

- [GRUNTING]

[MADAME ROUGE] Dr. H is

right. Let's get out of here.

- [ZOMBIE BUTT SNARLING]

- [g*n FIRES]

[VIC] We're bugging out.

Come with us.

Help us fight the future.

Hell, no. I'd rather be

ravaged by Zombie Butts

than revisit that point of my life.

Then I'm not going, either.

Absolutely not, Victor. It's su1c1de.

Maybe your jellyfish

wasn't on tight enough?

But you can't do sh*t, remember?

You don't have sh*t to fight with.

[BLADE SWISHING]

Here!

Booyah!

- [g*n FIRES]

- [BOTH GRUNTING]

- [SQUELCHING]

- [g*n f*ring]

[ZOMBIE BUTTS GROWLING]

[SILAS] Boys!

Stop this nonsense! Immediately!

- Dad?

- Dad?

Call me Pop-Pop, please.

Wait. [GRUNTS]

No!

[WHOOSHES]

[VIC] No!

Why did you do that?

[ZOMBIE BUTTS THUDDING ON DOOR]

Okay, we're going, everybody.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SHIPLEY f*ring UP]

[WHOOSHING]

- The launch sequence has already been initiated.

- [GRUNTS]

It won't open.

[GRUNTING]

You can't save him, Vic.

[ZOMBIE BUTTS SNARLING]

[ROARING, SNARLING]

[FUTURE VIC SCREAMING]

[ZOMBIE BUTTS SNARLING]

[FUTURE VIC YELLING]

[RUMBLING]

[WHOOSHING]

[WHOOSHING]

[WHIRRING]

[VIC] "You can't have it all."

[ENERGY PULSATING]

Easy, buddy. Easy.

[SIGHS]

Please.

- Look.

- [ENERGY PULSATING]

Your other dad would

write me a note sometimes.

Could you try to do that?

[POWER SURGING]

Can you please just tell

what future Keeg showed you?

Was it about me?

What did you do to f*ck

this one up, Trainor?

[SIGHS]

[DR. HARRISON] Did you see?

[JANE] Every hairy detail.

I don't know what to say.

Good. Because I do.

You were right.

I was hiding out in Kay's memories

because being Primary is hard

and it's f*cking draining.

And I needed a break.

But after what I saw in the future,

I am going back up

right now and so help me,

I will chuck you face-first,

into the f*cking well if you

[GASPS]

[SOFTLY] Kay. Where have you been?

What happened to Dr. H?

Don't follow me.

Listen to me, please

[GASPS]

What the f*ck?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

That's unusual.

[WHISPERING] 'Kay.

Uh, do you think it was random seeing

Isabel Feathers in the time stream?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm not sure, do you?

[MADAME ROUGE] I'm not sure either.

Might be worth finding out.

You're not leaving anymore, are you?

Given what we've seen in the future

it's probably for the best?

[GASPS]

Well, isn't this just

the shitty cherry on top

of a shitty sundae made of sh*t?

Okay.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Think that went well.

[VIC] You can't have it all.

f*ck that.

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

Rory, I am gonna come touch

your perfect, squishy tush.

But, first I gotta

stop the Buttpocalypse.

But I promise you.

I will not touch a single thing

with my new hand before I get to you.

Until then, f*ck you, the future.

This better be good, Bunbury.

I was in the middle of Graham Norton.

[SQUEAKING]

[CHUCKLES]

Can't be serious with this sh*t.

I mean, it's a stupid

hoax, he's not real.

[SQUEAKING]

I bought you the wrong bedding one time.

When you gonna get over it?

[SQUEAKING]

Can we, maybe just,

get back to the photo?

A a thousand apologies, Bunbury.

[SQUEAKING]

Prophecy only mentioned the Butts.

Now, if this is real,

really, really, real,

it can mean only one thing.

We're well and truly f*cked.