06x10 - Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation

[bunniefuu]

[FAMILY CHEERING, RICK LAUGHING]

Wait, what's that?

Do I hear something coming down the chimney?

[ENERGY BUZZES]

Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse!

- Oh, my God!

- Yes!

For Jerry, an extradimensional version

- of "Miracle on 34th Street."

- [GASPS] Two hours longer!

They fixed my only problem with it!

For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us from a universe where she wasn't m*rder*d as a child.

Oh, my God. Dad.

And for Space Beth, the same thing because we we don't know which one of you is real.

I am also touched.

Summer, c-check your Venmo.

Ah! Money? How did you know?

You're 17.

And last but not least, for my number one number two.

Morty, you asked for this a long, long time ago and I finally went far, far away enough to get it since shipping would have k*lled me.

- You didn't! No f*cking way.

- FAMILY: No f*cking way.

Does it make the noises?

Of course it "makes the noises."

That's like half the fun.

- Ha ha! Awesome!

- Whoa, do not turn that on!

Don't worry. Morty's only gonna

use this very honorable w*apon

in designated Jedi zones

like the garage right now!

Ah! Ohhhh!

[ENERGY BUZZES]

Holy crap!

I hate to say it, but I wish

there was something to att*ck.

Yeah, it's too bad nobody

bought a cart of fruit!

You beautiful son of a bitch!

Grapefruit! Mango!

- Papaya! Watermelon!

- [LAUGHING]

A second papaya! Another watermelon!

- Strike me down.

- What?

- Strike me down!

- I'm not striking you down.

Strike me down, Morty!

I-I'll become a pile of

clothes like that old guy!

But you'll die. You're drunk.

- Here, I'll I'll do it myself.

- No!

Ha ha, wow, you did it!

Just like Obi-Wan.

Rick? Y-You can come out now.

I'm serious. Did you, like,

become your clothes?

- Are you T-shirt Rick now?

- Psst. Over here, buttfart.

- Hoo, that was awesome!

- Right?!

Rick, you know, y-y-you've been

so great the last couple months.

The family's so happy.

I'm I'm really grateful.

Aw, thanks, kid, but less talk,

more melon slinging!

- Heads up!

- Whoops!

- Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. Open it, Rick!

- Let me do it!

- Get up. Get f*cking move!

- Hurry!

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You dropped it perfectly

vertical, Morty!

P-Perfectly f*cking vertical!

- I got it, I got it! Aww!

- Ah, sh**t.

- sh*t.

- Elevator! Elevator!

We gotta get ahead of it! L-Level 10?

No, no, no! 15!

[BELL DINGING]

[DINGS]

Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?

[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

Domo, domo. Not now, though.

Okay, we overshot it.

Good problem to have.

Still doing the eel roll?

- I told you we should've gone to 10!

- No, Morty, not 10!

RICK: Morty, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait!

MORTY: Let me out.

What the f*ck?

- Rick?!

- You dumb f*cking robot.

You had one job!

Hey, that job was to be a good grandpa,

- I-I go where the kid goes.

- Don't touch me!

How long have I

you said you weren't a robot!

It k*lled me to lie to you, Morty.

But it would have literally

k*lled me not to lie to you.

Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!

Don't overreact, Morty.

I-I replaced myself

towards the beginning

of that whole Knights of the Sun thing.

I-I'm no good to anybody

until I resolve this archnemesis crap.

You're still hunting the

guy who k*lled your wife?

You don't have to rub it in, Morty.

T-That's why I removed myself.

I've become the thing I hate.

I-It's like a Netflix drama down here,

and I don't mean an

accidentally good one,

I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.

I did you a favor.

Y-You gave him a f*ckin'

lightsaber for Christmas?!

It's almost like someone designed me

to be 22% more thoughtful than you.

All right, that's it,

I'm shutting you down.

Don't you dare. Y-You've done enough.

The whole family, Rick.

- Everybody loves this thing.

- Oh, good.

By the way, your lightsaber's probably

run out of sub-basement by now,

- so, congrats.

- Unbelievable.

I can't believe you

tricked us into loving you!

Not because I like it.

It's because it's my job.

But thank God I don't

have to do it anymore.

The f*ck you don't. It's Christmas!

Get up there and trick everyone

into loving you more!

- Let's get our "Miracle" on.

- Speaking of miracles

What, bored of your toy already?

Just, uh, excited to spend

time with my family.

Y-You know me and Morty.

We're all about those streets.

-

- Oh, would you look at this!

New York City!

Wow, who would have thought

it had so many streets?

And avenues too. Oh, gosh!

Hey, sir, sir.

- Have you seen any miracles?

- [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

My little girl, she's sick

and she needs a miracle.

The presidential Black Hawk

is landing on the lawn.

I'll get rid of him.

You got something to tell me, Morty?

Merry Christmas?

Who dropped a lightsaber

perfectly f*cking vertical?

- Oh, sh

- Guess what, numb nuts.

It's a mile deep and still going.

You know what's in

the hilt of that thing?

- Kyber crystals!

- Okay, nerd.

Whatever it is, when it hits the core,

it's gonna cause a chain reaction

- that destroys the Earth!

- I-It is?

Why are you still playing

with laser swords anyway?

You're 14!

You know all that Star

Wars sh*t is silly, right?

Lucas promised a new

trilogy for decades.

Then, when he delivered,

fans turned on him

and started giving any knucklehead

with nerd cred a sh*t

and churned out these

irredeemable cash grabs.

Half pretend to be satisfied,

half sh*t on it, and in

the end no one's happy.

Do you know why, Morty?

Because when you start with a turd,

you end with a turd.

[CRYING]

Why you crying? Where's Rick?

[SOBS]

He's busy. A-And I hate him.

And I lost my lightsaber, and

now it might destroy Earth

and you're unloading all

this Gen X hatred on me

for even wanting one, and

i-it's the worst Christmas ever!

Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty.

I shouldn't have talked to

you like you're a UN official.

Let's get your embarrassing-ass

lightsaber back

so you can swing it around

instead of kissing girls.

Whoa, ho ho, you found me

found me found me!

- COMPUTER VOICE: Security breach.

- RICK: What the hell?

Unauthorized presence.

What the f*ck, Morty?!

This morning, a real-life version

of George Lucas's trademarked

lightsaber was dropped point down

and is whomp-whomping its

way to the core of the Earth,

where it will blow us all up.

Touch my sh*t and die.

That's not a thr*at from me,

that's how advanced my sh*t is.

Impressive lair, Sanchez.

Got about 600,000 permits?

If I wanted the government in my house,

- I'd buy an Alexa.

- I invited him in, Rick.

Yeah, well, they can

leave. I'll destroy it.

- We're gonna retrieve it.

- Well, that's stupid.

What kind of grandfather are you?

It's Christmas, for God's sake,

and you look like Phil Spector

wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.

If you're gonna help, help.

- Otherwise step aside.

- [INHALES SHARPLY]

Merry Christmas to me.

- Merry Christmas to me!

- To me!

Anyhoo, I'm no expert, but

it seems we've got a

a certain amount of time

to build a big drill ship.

A big drill ship?

That's some pretty loud

stepping aside you're doing.

- Just let me destroy the thing!

- You've destroyed enough!

ALL: Ooooh!

Aah!

Oh, I see someone found my

"told you so" dispenser.

Oh, my God, look at all these

streets! We got 34th Street!

[STAMMERING] 35th Street!

Oh, 36th Street coming too!

Oh, it's a miracle!

We got miracles on 37th Street!

38th! And don't even get

me started on the avenues!

- I can't believe they cut this!

- Mm-hmm.

Dad, you've been so great lately.

I'm almost afraid it's not real.

You're not a robot, are you?

Ha! Put it this way, honey If I am,

I-I'm a robot programmed to

love you very, very much.

ALL: Aww!

Will this drill down fast enough

to get under the lightsaber?

Yep, it will be under the

lightsaber in one hour

because the wait, it's lower now.

Oh, right, it's moving.

You f*cking idiot. Get out of here!

Good luck finding a good

scientist on Christmas!

[SIGHS] I'm President

of the United Assholes.

[WHISTLING TUNE]

All right, genius, I give you permission

to make our drill ship faster.

I'm not touching that thing.

I'll get neurotypical cooties.

I have son-in-laws more imaginative.

All right, j-just destroy

the lightsaber!

Thought you'd never ask.

Not true. I knew you'd ask.

- What is that?

- A second lightsaber

with an A.I.-controlled

gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.

- You had a lightsaber?!

- Oh, did you want one?

What a terrible gift

that would have made.

Vertisaber, state your prime directive.

To stay vertical.

- Then show 'em how it's done.

- Affirmative.

- Whoo! America!

- Yeah! Oh, yeah.

Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.

Affirmative.

All right, looking good.

- Stay on target.

- Uh-huh.

Progress report.

Vertisaber, do you copy?

- Do I have to respond every time?

- Excuse me?

I'm designed to stay perfectly vertical,

not to give constant affirmation.

You do your job, I'll do mine.

- I control you!

- Okay, I'll just turn off my brain

and you can do that. Byyye!

f*cking kidding me? sh*t!

- Trajectory's drifting, sir.

- Where is it coming out?

Looks like Italy, sir.

[ENERGY BUZZES]

Okay, t-that could've been worse.

Aah!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Well, uh, that is definitely not amore.

Way to show us how it's done, Rick.

- Whatever.

- Italian prime minister on line one.

Put him on hold.

We can pin this on the Saudis.

This is something they'd do.

They may as well have done it.

They did do it.

Oh, there's another miracle

at the end of the intersection

of 401st Boulevard and 7,000th Street!

That's a miracle per block so far.

Okay, even I am nearing my limit.

Let's play a Christmas game!

Oh. Uh, um have you guys

ever played "Are You a Robot?"

Each person here has to decide

whether or not t-they're a robot.

- Ohh, I'm gonna play that.

- Yes, yes, yes.

But don't say it out loud.

Because if you're a robot,

you're not allowed to say you are.

T-T-That's the rule.

That's the horrible, painful

thing about being a robot.

But you do have to answer

everyone's questions.

And it's their jobs to decide

whether you are or aren't a robot,

because because if you

are a robot, you can't say!

You're not allowed to say at all.

- I'll go first! Uh, question.

- Oh!

Ahh, are you a robot?

- Can I just ask that?

- You can!

But don't forget that if I am,

I have to lie even

though I don't want to.

- More questions?

- Can you feel things?

Oh, f*ck yes! Yes! T-That's the problem!

If I'm a robot, which I'm not

don't forget I have to say that

but yes, yes, I feel so much.

I'm filled with love for certain people,

but also filled with shame

if I'm programmed to deceive

them, but that's a big if.

- What's your skeleton made of?

- Titanium!

- [GASPS] You're You're a robot!

- Yes!

No! But that's what a robot would say!

So, you get the idea.

- Whoo!

- Suck it, b*tches!

This is fun! I've always been

afraid to let my guard down

and just have stupid

family fun like this,

but Grandpa Rick is making

me learn to be vulnerable!

- Right on!

- Me too!

- Ohh!

- Mm!

[ALARM BLARING]

All right, your derivative

drill ship is now faster

than a lightsaber.

Morty, y-you want front or back?

Who says the two of us are going?

Y-You didn't even want to

Oh, for f*ck's sake. Bye!

Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.

You act like you're the one

that got stabbed in the back!

Because I am the one, Morty.

You want to know why I replaced myself

in the beginning of that stupid

Knights of the Sun thing?

I said don't take the f*cking sword,

and you were like "whatever,"

like I'm our neighbor Gene or

David Arquette or something.

You called me boring.

I've become dog sh*t to you.

That's what happens

when you let people in

and they stop respecting you.

They touch your sh*t,

they screw things up,

they k*ll your f*cking family.

Go ahead. Trust him.

You're gonna learn the

same f*cking thing.

[ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]

I am not going to k*ll

your family, Morty.

That means a lot.

In case this goes south,

any last words, Morty?

I've never been old enough

to vote, Mr. President,

but when I am, I'll vote for you.

Thanks, Morty. Every vote counts.

If you want, I can have them

legally change your age.

Uh, no, I-I'm not in any hurry

to get into that sh*t show.

MAN: Approaching the

lightsaber in T-minus

oh, sh*t, now.

T-minus now! Sorry!

I missed countdown day at the academy.

Now or never, Morty!

♪

- There it is!

- Reverse the jets!

I got this! Ugh!

No I do!

Morty, you magnificent little bastard!

Let's get this thing topside.

[ALL CHEERING]

May the force be with me!

I think you mean with me.

What? You hate Star Wars.

I was your age when

this sh*t was in theaters.

This franchise raised me,

trained me, taught me good from evil,

made having a bad father empowering.

And when that third movie

got all muppety,

something in me began to rot.

But make no mistake, child,

I own Star Wars, not you.

Not that bubble-throat pompadour f*ck,

not some Mickey Mouse sh*t machine.

They didn't pay the

price with their souls.

I did! I earned this, not you!

America, transform and roll out!

Bastard!

Rick, I would be honored if you

would carve the ham this year.

- Whoa. Dad. That's

- Unheard of?

You're quite right, Summer.

It's my way of saying

I see your mom's father

as my father too.

Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why don't you cut it?

Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?

He's like adopting you into

his biological family, Grandpa.

Morty, I am sure glad to see you.

Y-Y-You ready to tag

your old grandpa back in?

You're not my grandpa.

You're a f*cking robot.

[SIGHS] Finally.

The first Noel ♪

The angels did say ♪

Was to certain poor shepherds ♪

In fields as they lay ♪

Okay, okay, okay.

Oop!

Aww!

Summer, do you have any dr*gs?

- Are you serious?

- I guess not.

I'm just glad I'm not the

one that ruined Christmas.

- People of Earth

- Hmm, that's never good.

I'm not here to play the blame game,

but Morty Smith got a

lightsaber for Christmas,

dropped it, and it's now heading

for the Earth's core again

I-I mean for the first time.

Son of a bitch! He played with it!

If it does reach the core,

it will blow all of you up.

I-I mean all of us up.

But don't abandon hope.

We're doing everything

we can to stop it,

and only if that fails,

will we launch the White

House into space

Welp, I'm busted.

Clearly in space already.

- You did ruin Christmas.

- Nunh-unh!

He stole my lightsaber

and must've dropped it!

A-A second time!

Does that mean you stopped

it a first time? How?

- A drill ship.

- A drill ship? Awesome!

It was, but the government

took it with them.

Then we lean on the only

assh*le smart enough

to make another one in

this tight a window.

But Rick's gone.

And I'm not sure he's ever coming back.

Then let's settle for

the next best thing.

Oh, f*ck! Just let me die!

Turn me off not that

I can be turned off

because I'm obviously not a robot!

[BEEPING]

[expl*si*n]

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

f*ck yeah! I got you.

Okay, I can I can work with that.

Aaaah!

What do you mean the White House

chef was grocery shopping?

Well, do you know how to make an egg?

You do? Everyone does?

Good news, sir.

The lightsaber was intercepted

before it hit the core.

All right, here we go! Ha ha!

I don't suppose you

could send it up here.

Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?

That's the bad news.

That is bad news.

♪

Hey, Mister P. Drop something?

Morty! I see you and, uh, Rick

patched things up. That's nice.

No, the real Rick and I

have never been worse

thanks to that wedge

you drove between us

just to get that lightsaber!

Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.

Your journey is complete.

- As a nerd!

- You're the nerd!

You can't say all that crazy

sh*t about Star Wars

- and then act like you're cool!

- Oh, really?

Would a person who wasn't

cool have one of these?

I think so?

Slowly closing door! Slide!

Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.

What a shame to be put

out of my misery again.

Aw, man.

♪

What the hell?

W-Was this always part

of the White House?

Carter built it with his own two hands.

Reagan tried to destroy it.

George W. added kegs to the cantina.

But only I saw its true value.

Mr. President, you need to come home

and tell the people the truth.

The f*ck I do. Droids, get that saber!

Give it a minute.

Usually comes out on the fourth try.

All right! Here we go!

Look at 'em lightsaber hands!

Tell me that's not cool.

It's not! I always wanted

to fight with a lightsaber,

but not like this.

- Y-You ruined it!

- Disney ruined it!

You think I want 30 low-rent

TV series with bad CGI?

They film everything on

that one big green screen.

Like you've got better ideas.

I've got a million.

Here's one a robot

with lightsabers for eyes!

♪

God damn it, he can't see!

It was a good idea otherwise.

Uh, admit it, you were intimidated.

Uh, now, Morty

♪

Come on, put down the

lightsaber Gatling g*n.

We had our fun, right?

Star Wars rules say

you have to forgive me.

I-I'm done with that,

and I'm done with you!

- Morty, nooo!

- Rickbot!

He sacrificed his life for me.

Yeah, don't be too touched,

he's actively trying to die.

Ugh. I-It's okay. It doesn't hurt.

Oh, God, t-they're sliding, Morty!

T-They're sliding! They're sliding!

The first Noel ♪

The angels ♪

Perfectly f*cking vertical.

[ALARM BLARING]

Ohh! Ooh!

Save yourself, Morty!

Rick can build another me.

If If I was a robot, w-which I'm not.

I don't want another you.

Nooo!

Rick? You came to help!

Better tend to your little toaster.

I I'm [COUGHING]

I'm coughing up oil, Morty.

Oh, Rickbot, I-I never

should've pushed you away.

Y-You were you were so great.

Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.

[COUGHS] Rick literally built

me to make you happy, Morty.

Anything I do is technically

something Rick did.

But maybe [COUGHS] he can do

a little more him himself.

God, how long do you take to die?

Goodbye, Morty. Uh

Ugh, Jesus.

Uh, Rick, uh

I guess this is a bad time to

ask for a new White House?

Morty, would you mind

calling me an Uber?

Right, well, uh Merry Christmas.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I guess I'll go watch a guy scream

about streets with the family.

- Also, you need to shower.

- Hey, maybe the robot's right.

I-I should have included you in my sh*t.

You can help me if you want.

Wow, are those all the

places Rick Prime could be?

I wish, Morty.

It's all the places he is.

- Oh, geez.

- Welcome to my darkness.

I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!

This is the closest I've ever

been to catching Rick Prime.

It's impossible!

He He's an incredibly

crafty piece of sh*t.

Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!

But now we're gonna do it together!

- You and me!

- Oh!

- Uh

- It's gonna take over your life, Morty!

Rick and Morty, season seven,

hunting my nemesis!

Maybe trying to stay

healthy while doing it!

Juggling plates!

And not every episode, Morty!

It could be all happening in

the background! Who knows?

You know, n-no one will, except us!

I-It's the most painful sh*t

I've ever had to deal with

and I'm f*cking bringing you into it

because you asked for it, Morty!

You and me, Morty!

♪

♪

♪

♪

Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?

Rick Prime! Therapy!

And that thing we did with Roy.

Remember thaaat?

[GRUNTS] Sorry I wasn't around,

been busy getting my

little poopybutt in shape.

Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!

Y-You might think I'm over-compensating

for the emptiness

after Amy left with Poopy Jr.,

but my trainer Caaarl says the

best way to get over a girl

is to get under a 300-pound squat.

Damn right.

Ha! Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!

Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!

Oh, is it is it bad?

Oh! It's It's really bad, isn't it?

Oh, sug oh!

Someone call Amy, tell her I need her.

Tell her I love her!

Not my phone.

She blocked me. U-Use yours.

Oo-weee! I am broken!

Did you get any of that?

♪