02x08 - That's Why They Call It a m*ssile

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Avenue 5". Aired: January 19, 2020 - present.
Set in the future, A confident, controlled and personable cruise ship captain tries to get along with everyone in space.
Post Reply

02x08 - That's Why They Call It a m*ssile

Post by bunniefuu »

- Elena!

- Elena!

- Elena!

- Elena!

Mia! Mia! Mia!

Marvelous. Eight years of pure Charles.

Well, we could take it slow?

Oh, you'll be amazed

at how slow we're gonna take it. Billie!

- Iris? I Iris!

- I'm right here.

Oh, yeah, that's 'cause I saved you.

Assert your leadership,

and don't take questions.

All right, every everyone,

I'm the leader now,

so if you need anything

at all, ask Iris!

She has nothing for you!

Hey, all my meds are on the other ship.

Oh. Well, I admire your optimism.

Someone needs to tell us

if we're in the d*ad zone!

If this is indeed the d*ad zone,

then I knew that already,

and wanted to be with you,

the proletariat, at the end.

You're welcome.

- That's a beautiful sentiment.

- And it's true!

You didn't need to add that. That

creates doubt that wasn't there.

This is my life. God knows

it's not much of one,

but again and again, Judd

just wipes his nose with it.

Focus, focus, focus.

I'm gonna keep saying "focus"

until you focus.

I I think I can help.

Jaz, track the asteroid.

Billie, find out what we've got

and they haven't.

Okay, so we have

got the engines, the thrusters,

the ice rink, the bingo machine,

the nav computers, and six go-karts.

And they have Oh, God,

they have the eels.

Who's got the cannibal?

Uh, I believe we do,

but we also have Frank.

Great. So, if we end up

eating each other,

at least we'll have a nice garnish.

Well, a garnish.

Signal's back.


Ryan, what is happening?

Ah, well, it it seems like I

I might have dropped a bit of a bollock.

Ry Ryan? Mierda!

But it's all gonna be okay.

Well, that's going in

The Guinness Book of Lies.

Jaz, will you get the comms back online?

Well, the transmitter's

in the front half.

Those who know how to work it

are in the back.

Well, tell the front to fix it!

Well, we can't,

because there's no signal.

Look, just f*cking sort it,

will you? Now!

You're just yelling impossible

instructions at people!

I know! Now get on it!

Sorry, I have now fixed it, actually.

I forgot about the backup.

See? Sometimes it works.

Knock-knock. Not a joke.

I think I can help.

- Okay, I'm really focusing

- No, Spike, this is

this is not the moment.

on what we've

gotta do right now, so

Um, I'd I'd make that seven.

You know, ev Mommy's gonna be fine.

Mommy's gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine.

It's gonna be like one of those

old-timey comedies,

where a guy gets left in charge

of a newborn baby

and gets hit with a m*ssile.

So more like a dramedy. Okay? A dramedy.

Okay, Doug?


Okay, Doug, support her head!

Support her head, raise her bilingual,

and never let her date a drummer!

Should I write this down? Oh shit!

Did you just drop our baby?

What happened?

Uh, okay, we've got 90 percent

of the cabins, the gym,

the bridge, but nothing

that the bridge controls,

apart from the lights.

We've got the basketball courts,

but they've got the basketballs.

- And we've got the spa.

- All right.

Well, we'll need it after miming

all that basketball.

Oh, and we've got the eels!

Oh, good, 'cause I'm f*cking starving.

My kid is in the other half.

I want to see my kid!

God, um

Do you have another kid

that you could focus on?

Rav! I'm sorry.

- Rav!

- What? What?

Mia's breasts, actually, all of Mia,

are back on the other side of the ship.

- What should I do to feed her?

- I don't know, Doug!

Take it to a restaurant, give it a menu!

Does anyone know how to breastfeed?

Yes, me! I am this child's

biological father and I'm ready.

Love will accomplish

what science hasn't.

How did this just get worse?

Bridge is closed. Get out.

Man your posts.

The seat of power so long

denied to me by my enemies.

Except there is no seat.

Can we bring in a seat?

No. Sitting is weak.

And you won't be able to see

over the wheel, so

Shut the door. Shut it!

Okay, we can hunker down

in here for now.

You can't hunker from a m*ssile, Karen.

My whole life is flashing

before my eyes, honey.

Kindergarten, I excelled.

Middle school, harder.

Puberty was like a bungee jump

without a rope. And now

- Frank, do not tailspin.

- Okay.

We're gonna stay here

and nest and be safe.

Like a couple of hermit crabs.

Ooh. Cleaning vinegar.

You soak one inch of cloth, honey,

it becomes semi-edible tofu!

No more cooking, Frank. Really.

I feel like I've eaten six bathrooms.

All right, you two,

I want constant updates

on the asteroid.

It's our prize if we don't go boom.

Jaz, how long have we got?

Fifty-five minutes.

Oh, God, 55 minutes. It's like

walking towards the guillotine.

If the guillotine was

55 minutes' walk away.

Excuse me. Hello. I have a plan

No, Spike.

Spike, really, we don't

wanna hear it, okay?

I'm dying.

I can sacrifice myself to save the ship.


Um, I had, uh, had chest pain.

Got a medical machine scan.

Inoperable prolapsed

mitral valve. Calcified to f*ck.

- Well, how

- How long? Three weeks.

No, Spike,

how are we gonna save the ship?

Well, we have a, uh,

a one-man escape pod.

I can hop into it. I can fly

straight into the m*ssile.

One man absorbs the blow,

6,000 say, "Thanks, pal."

Can he do that?

Uh, in theory, yeah,

he can do that. You can

So you you would fly

into the m*ssile

and and f*ck me, we all get to live!

Yeah, we all get to live!

- This is this is joyous news!

- Oh my god!

I mean, it's not for you.

- No.

- Obviously.

But but joyous!

And also unbelievably sad.

Unspeakable sorrow.

If any of you guys have last requests,

or you want to unburden yourself

of some family secret,

now's the time.

I wanna go back to Earth,

hold this baby up

like a lion cub in front

of Mia's evil sister,

and say, "Who's barren now, bitch?

Tell me, Paulina,

who the f*ck is barren now?"

Heh. Paulina would look so dumb.

Good one, Doug.

Oh. I may need that.

It's all gone f*ck-daisy out there.

We need an urgent plan

to deal with the m*ssile.

Right. Uh, I ran a crisis

management course

that I did not attend. I've got this.


Hello, this is Commander Judd

of Avenue 5. Both of them.

Come in, Earth. I repeat,

come in, you assholes.

Uh, we need help, so maybe don't lead

with calling everyone

on Earth an assh*le.

- Mia!

- Doug!

Are you still in the bathroom?

I'm gonna help you escape,

- but very quietly.

- Okay, okay!

Yeah, listen,

take the electric toothbrush

What, am I gonna veneer

my way outta this?

No, no, no, take the head off of it

and there's gonna be a pointy bit there.


And I want you to drill

a hole in the wall.

I saw it in a movie once.

All right, I'm I'm ready.

Don't hit any wires.

This ship is so cheap,

there probably aren't any wires.

I'm through, I'm through.

Okay, good.

This is a very small hole, Doug.

Try to shout through it now.

Hello! Hello! I drilled a hole

in the wall! I'm really sorry!

This message

- What are you doing?

- Shh!

- People of Avenue 5

- Oh my god.

you're being

sent this message to save you

It could actually be God.

Is God single?

Because she sounds amazing.

It's not God, it's a woman

that does detergent commercials,

but knock yourself out.

People of Avenue 5,

you are being sent this message

to save you

I'm gonna go out there

and I'm gonna tell them

about the Space Siren.

Yes, that's what I'm calling her.


I have amazing news!

Hello? Uh, my name is Herman Twam Judd,

and I am a very highly

influential figure.

Type my name into any search engine.

Uh, please ignore the smear campaigns.

People of Avenue 5,

you are being sent this message

to save you

any doubt that this m*ssile

will eradicate you in 27 minutes.

They are all assholes.

It's just hit me. Spike is gonna die.

- That's just hit you?

- I should write a eulogy

befitting his massive humanity.

Actually, that's

no, that's rather good.

- You should write that down.

- I will, amen to that.

- Make a note of that.

- I will, for sure.

So now, you've got to call Judd

and make nice, okay?

You've gotta get on.

Hey, Herman, my Judd-bud

it's Ryan here! Ha!

How the other half lives, eh?

Listen, if we b*at the m*ssile,

we need to work together.

We've got some really nice stuff

over here.

Um, we've got

Um linen?

We've got linens, we've got

The all the condiments,

the condiments.

- We've got the condiments.

- Condiments.

Sixty large yoga balls.

What do we have?

We have

Oh. We've got waves.

Oh! Eels!

Just f*cking say eels. We have eels.

Don't let him think he's won.

Because he has,

but don't let him think that he's won.

In the kingdom of the eels,

the man with the eels is king.

- I'm not gonna say that.

- I was thinking maybe

twenty toilet rolls per eel?

Because we've got the toilet rolls.

So unless you wanna wipe

your arse with an eel,

and I'm sorry even for

putting that sentence out there,

I think you might wanna trade.

You know what else we've got

in the front half, Ryan?

The light controls.

Oh, for

What are the eels worth to you, Ryan?

It's like negotiating with an evil doll.

Oh, Spike's ready.

We gotta go. We gotta go.

Okay. We'll think about it!

So will we, but we'll think faster.

Oh! Here's one.

"He died as he lived alone."

By 18 months, she should be talking.

Twenty-four months, I'd like

fully formed sentences.

According to the plan, it was 32 months

- for fully formed sentences.

- f*ck the plan, Doug.

- We're going rogue.

- Don't panic.

Together we will consensually

co-parent this child.

Doug, keep Mads away from my baby!

He's too good-looking!

He's never had to think about

anything in his entire life!

Hello? Hello?

Oh my god! What's happening?

Hello, lady.

Oh, thank god!

I thought I was gonna die on the toilet

like my fifth-grade math tutor!

Matt, I wanna marry Ryan. And Charles.

I wanna make this big, weird

family official. Right, kids?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You, me, Daddy, and Captain Daddy.

Marriage of the damned.


Uh, my guess is,

the wedding booth on level five is free,

but I can't do it

because I'm manufacturing

a death apparatus to incinerate myself.

Great. All right. Let's go.

- Thank you.

- Mazel tov.

My hero, Spike!

Whoo! Go Spike!

What did I miss?

Spike's k*lling himself,

but it's a good thing.

Oh, good. I hope he's gonna be okay.

Elena wants to marry us.

We're going to be hus-boths.

- Are we?

- Yeah.

Wow! God, marriage and death on one day.

I wish I'd worn better socks.

Congratulations! Grooms in da room.

It won't be real

because you can't consummate,

but I'm absolutely thrilled for you.

Billie, do you think this is gonna work?

Uh, yeah. It should.

Oh! You mean your marriage. No.

Uh, I'm gonna read out

some tributes to Spike.

Hope this doesn't turn into a roast.

No, that comes later!

Uh, I think, yes.

This is from Craig, cabin 631.

"We never spoke, but I like astronauts."

Sorry, I I haven't had time to

Captain, I think we need to move this

- Yes! Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

- It's ready, so

Uh Oh, look,

- there's one here from Frank.

- Hi, buddy.

"Spike, thank you for Cuddle Club.

The way your body melted into mine

felt more like home

than anything I've ever known."

"Than anything I've ever known," Frank?

- "Than anything I've ever known?"

- Sorry.

We're just wasting fuel at this point.

Okay, we're done, then,

with this bit. I think

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Spike, any last words?

Uh, yes, it There's

something I'd like to say.

I've, uh, been

I guess been building up

to saying this my whole life.

- Most

- Yeah, Spike, I think we get it.

- That's yeah.

- Oh. Oh.

- So we can

- I I understand. I understand.

- Here we go, Spike.

- Spike, uh, listen.

I've I've written a eulogy

for you myself.

And I'm really pleased with

the way it's coming together.

I don't wanna rush it, but I have to go

- and get married, so Godspeed.

- Yeah. Bye.

- All right?

- Bye. Forever.

- Any tips on how to fly her?

- It's an escape pod.

You just sit in it while it escapes.

You remember who you're talking to.

I landed a module on Mars!

Yeah, well, you're definitely

qualified to sit

in an escape pod then,

but then so is a potato.

Launch sequence initiated.

Okay, uh, well, safe trip.

Uh, not safe, obviously, but trip.

Ten, nine, eight, seven

six, five, four

three, two, one.


Bye, Rav.

Hello! Hello, everyone, sorry,

sorry to keep you waiting, uh,

I've just been wishing Spike

a happy obliteration.

- Uh, who's got

- Take your seats, everyone!

Take your seats anywhere

Not there, not there!

- It's fine. You're fine.

- Move it down, please!

You're here now. Let's, uh,

let's get a wiggle on,

make this puppy legal.

Yeah, all right,

wind your neck in, Charles.

This is for Elena.

She'll make a lovely bride.

I imagine. She's not here.

I knew you'd be here.

Have you come as an Arctic sn*per?

Wha wha

Or are you the next pope? What?

You needed witnesses. I'm here.

- Yeah, you'll do.

- Can we just move this along?

- Who's got the, uh, the, the

- Frank, Frank!

- Frank! Frank! Let's go.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, Captain, we've really

gotta move it, okay?

Elena, could you

Okay, uh, Frank. Hit wedding.

Hey, hey, you virgins!

I bet tonight's gonna get

all sorts of f*ck' nasty.

But before we get there, "Let's

Get Hitched with Herman Judd."

f*ck it, no! No! Stop, stop!

I'm Stop it. I can't do this.

I cannot get married

under Judd's watchful nipples.

Okay, we're gonna do this

somewhere else.

Elena, we'll just be one minute.

- Okay.

- Much nicer, uh, other place.

- All right?

- Okay, mi amor. Okay.

- Come on, everybody.

- You heard him! Let's go, let's go!

Keep it moving, let's go, go, go!

Where are we going?

An open sewer would be better than this.

I need you to marry us.

Ryan doesn't want Judd doing it, so

That seems so sad.

Someone on their deathbed,

marrying three people

on their deathbeds,

in a giant deathbed factory.

Just say the vows, you prick.

Okay? Great.

Yeah, let's just do it here.

I'm tired of running.


It's as bad as anywhere else, I suppose.

Everybody, get a seat.

- Who's got the, uh

- Yep, yep, yep!

Oh, Frank's

still got it. All right, let's go.

No, no, no, skip that bit, skip that.

Dearly beloved slash condemned,

uh, we're gathered here today

to celebrate the joyous slash

heartbreaking union

of you three people

as you commit to spending

the rest of your harrowingly

short lives together.

Okay, everyone, listen!

Listen, I've got it!


Do they think Rav's in charge here?

This is either the first

or the final stage

of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Um, how about we

k*ll the engine, the lights,

the power, we go completely dark.

The m*ssile passes us by. Boom!

I mean, the opposite of boom,

hopefully, but who's with me?

Do you, Potential Spouse One,

take Potential Spouse Two

as your lawfully wedded spouse?

Not massively clear, but yes, I do.

And do you, Potential Spouse Two,

take Spouse One

as your lawfully wedded spouse?

I do.

Will you stop mouthing along?

I'm being an effing witness!

Boundaries, honey, please.

Okay, everybody, uh, get ready!

Get ready, find a space.

Okay, here goes.

And since you are a throuple,

do you, Potential Spouse Three,

take Confirmed Spouses One and Two

as your lawfully wedded spouses?

Disable systems!

What happened?

Where where did she go?

I didn't I didn't touch,

I didn't do any

- I didn't touch it.

- We've gotta finish it.

She she didn't say her vows.

Does that mean just us are married?

Oh, tits.

I mean Uh, I said "I do," so

So I think we're good.

Because we still have a m*ssile to stop

and an asteroid to harvest

before we cut the cake.

Wait, did you just marry Karen?

- No!

- Maybe.

You married my wife?

- Yes, I think so.

- Mazel tov. Captain!

If you hadn't dithered,

we'd be done by now.

If we survive this, I will annul you.

- You don't mean that.

- I thought you were

- just a witness.

- I think we're married, honey.

- Charles?

- Hmm?

Oh! Oh.

I'm just a happy bride!


We need total silence.

You should challenge that.

- Hey Rav?

- What?

- You mean total silence?

- Yes!

That doesn't seem possible.

- Great challenge.

- We should go.

Oh my god, guys! Shush!


I'm kind of hoping that we die now.

Is is that strange?

Four words. Shut the f*ck up!

That's actually five words.


Wait, no, it's four. My bad.

Just shut

up! Just shut up. Everyone, shut up.

You have gotta call Lucas.

I grabbed this just before the split,

- so you could call Lucas!

- Oh, you little beauty.

Not you. I mean, not,

not that you're not

Oh my god, Ryan, I don't care,

just do the call.

Ryan! How you doing?

Lucas, we have good news.

Hey! Hey!

The m*ssile is not going to hit us now.

And even better news,

we're about to harvest

a large amount of lithium,

so suck, as it were, on that.

How exactly

are you gonna get this lithium?

We propose to trade the lithium

for a rescue.

Yeah, and a proper rescue,

not just some guy

with a headlamp and an energy bar.

And in return, we will

save you from extinction.

How does that sound?

Pretty good, I would think.

How are we doing on the eulogy?

- Billie?

- Yeah?


Oh, shit, Captain!

- Captain, they've gone dark!

- Ryan?

They switched their lights off

so that the m*ssile latches onto us!


Such a low-down, shitty thing to do!

Why the f*ck didn't I think of that?

What's he doing?

Do m*ssile go for flashing lights?

I thought that was moths.

You there? No? f*ck.

Hold on, Lucas!

I gotta speak to this demented toddler.

- Judd!

- Oh, hey, Ryan.

If you want your lights back on

And eels, if we survive.

And eels, if we survive, then

we're gonna need some linens,

five thousand toilet rolls,

half the medicine, and mustard.

We want all the mustard.

You like mustard.

Just say f*cking, "Yes!"

You can have the absolutely

irrelevant mustard.

"Corporeal bonds." I like that.

Yeah. Okay.

And also, uh, "Brave" No. "Noble"

"Brave-slash-noble humanity."

That'll do for now.

- Great. Great.

- Lucas, you still there?

Yes, I am still here,

and I'm not the one who's got

a m*ssile heading towards me,

by the way,

so I'm gonna need some details

of this plan.

Okay, Spike's closing in

on the m*ssile. Five minutes.

- Put him on. Where is the

- Okay. I'll get the eulogy.

That one.

I'll get the I'm getting

the eulogy up. Okay.

Ryan. Ryan?

- Spike Martin.

- Oh, and Ryan,

we're gonna need all the pillows, too.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Judd! f*ck the pillows!

You can sleep on the mustard!

Spike Martin. Godspeed, old friend.

Know this. We will honor you

and the noble-slash-braves

the braves sacrifice

that you will have made,

all of our lives.

I really don't like that.

Well, you told me to put a slash.

- Well, yeah I know

- But it was either-or, so

- But I couldn't read that, could I?

- I think he liked it.


That's badly written.

Ooh, seat warmer.

Fancy a last blast of fun down there.

Medical scan selected.

Cholesterol, high.

I like butter, so f*ck you.

You will live on,

in our hearts and memories.

We will always

Cardiac health, excellent.



inflammation in the left ventricle.

May flag as mitral valve

prolapse if incorrectly scanned.

Treatment, aspirin.

Wait the robot was wrong?

as you slip these corporeal bonds

and take your rightful place

in the firmament

- Oh, and Ryan, um

- Jesus Christ!

We're only gonna be able to send

one crate of eels a month.

- I hope that's okay.

- Okay, okay, okay.


Will you f*ck massively and totally off?

- Who's talking now?

- Not you, Lucas.


- Your fearlessness will inspire ge

- I'm not doing it.

- Hello? Spike?

- I'm not doing it.

You're not doing what?

I'm gonna live!

So I'm turning the escape pod around.

Well, I think we all knew

that was gonna happen.

No! No, no, no, Spike.

You grow a spine, Spike,

and you throw that spine

at the f*cking m*ssile!

Spike is gonna fly into the m*ssile.

Why are you negotiating without me?

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Oh, you know, if you switch this,

then everyone can hear everyone.

Well, why didn't

you tell me that before?

Did you not see me going?

I wondered what that was about.

The reason I didn't tell you, Judd,

is because the last chats

you had with Lucas went so well

he fired a m*ssile at us!

I'm a master negotiator.

I just negotiated for all the pillows.

If idiocy was an orthodox church,

you'd be an archdeacon!

You'd be Pope Herman the f*ck!


Well, you're not a real man, Ryan.

You're just a coat hanger for despair.

- You're a shoe tree for twat!

- Spike!

You're unhealthy for everyone.

You're bad for us all,

in a pure, unadulterated,

ass-banana way.

I just came up with that word

right now. Ass-banana.

Could you come up

with ass-banana? I doubt it.

Stop saying ass-banana.

Spike, please! I'm gonna need

some more information.

Here's all the info you need.

f*ck this, I'm not doing it.

No. Spike, you have to do it.

There's a baby in here.

I say this with with lots of love.

That baby's gonna have to swivel.

Spike, whatever the problem is,

you just tell us

and we'll talk you through.

We're all here.

- Right.

- We're all here.

The problem is,

I'm a massive chickenshit.

- Yeah, well, he is.

- That is not helpful!

But with the ventricles

of a 20-year-old,

so I'm coming back!

No! No, no, no, no, Spike,

come on, you can do this!

- You're a hero!

- No!

You've always been a hero to us, Spike.

I'm I'm crying.

Heroes don't don't They don't cry.

- Oh, they totally do!

- Yeah!

- All the time!

- All the time!

It's wonderful that you're in touch

with your vulnerable side.

Having said that,

you do absolutely have

to f*cking k*ll yourself.

Don't listen to him. Listen to me.

You really do need to k*ll yourself,

but because I said it, not Ryan.

Two minutes to total eradication.

Unnecessary addition of "total."

Uh oh, yes.

Tautology at a time like this,

it's insane.


Come on, you old bastard,

you can do this.

All right, listen.

Um, I have some frozen sperm,

and I want you to have it.

Oh, goddammit, you're gonna die too.

Well, I want you to have it anyway.

And this isn't me hitting on you,

so don't get legal.

Those are your last words to me?

"Don't get legal"?

Nope. I can't.

- Ah!

- Oh.


Oh my god!

No, no!

He's only gone and

accidentally saved us!

Oh my God!

He did it!

Lucas! I'm over several moons

to be able to inform you

that the lithium is on its way.

We've only gone and saved Planet Earth.

- You are barely welcome.

- Oh, wait, no.

The m*ssile looks like

it's now headed for the


Can I call you back?

What the What?

That's why they call it a m*ssile!

Because it misses!

I don't know how I feel!

I don't know how I feel.

Reactivate systems!

Oh! Oh, I think I just saved the ship!

I think you did!

Oh! Oh! Adulation? Not unpleasant.

I might start doing cocaine after this!

Oh, ah!

I'm a f*cking legend!

All right, put me down, put me down.

All yield. All hail Rav.

All yield. All hail Rav!

All yield! All hail Rav!

All yield! All hail Rav!

All yield!

- All hail Rav!

- Matt, we did it!

We're alive!

Oh, um

- All yield! All hail Rav!

- Hey.

Hi! I just wanted to let everyone know,

I saved us. You're welcome.

It was nothing.

Yeah, you're darn right it was nothing.

- You did nothing.

- Yeah!

He he ran away

and got fussy about bed linen.

He's a super big sociopath,

and we should k*ll him!

- Yeah!

- It's it's cool

That's against ship rules.

Okay, we can't k*ll him.

It's against ship rules.

What what can we do?

Uh, you know what we do to jellyfish?

- No?

- Is we feed them to eels.

Oh, we can feed him to the eels!

Feed him now! Feed him now!

Feed him now!

- Uh

- Guys?

I would just say that

I don't wanna be fed to eels.

- Why?

- Because I saved us.

And I got us a great deal

on pillows and mustard.

We didn't get the pillows.

- f*ck.

- Get him!

They're incredibly suggestible.

To the eels! To the eels!

To the eels! To the eels! To the eels!

Holy shit. That is impressive.

Yeah. Quite the happy ending, isn't it?

All right. Let me make some calls.

And, uh, sorry about the m*ssile.

So is this all we managed to save?


It could power an electric scooter

- for about 25 minutes.

- Uh-huh.

So in addition to destroying

almost all the lithium in the galaxy,

there's a good chance

I'm married to Karen Kelly.

Bit of golf?

The golf course is actually

on the other side

- of the ship, yeah.

- It's on the other side, yeah.
Post Reply