01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Britain and America, the two most respected countries in the world.

That we also have the most weapons is purely coincidental.

And yet, there are many differences between us.

You have no idea what art and literature are.

We have no idea what Hannah Montana is.

You know nothing of manners or social etiquette.

We are unfamiliar with Chuck E Cheese's Pizza Emporiums.

But the people of our two nations also share so much, as we are about to find out.

It's time for Little Britain USA.

One of the most popular pastimes in Britain, after dog-fighting and mocking the afflicted, is transvestism.

Excuse me! I did not steal a dress! I was merely trying it on for size, forgot to take it off and walked out of the store.

Silly me! - Tell it to the judge.

- Unhand me, you brute! r*pe, r*pe, lady r*pe! Oh, oh! At this police station in Pittsburgh, British tr*nsv*stite Emily Howard has found himself in a spot of bother.

You need to do your mug sh*ts.

Wonderful! Face the camera, please, sir.

Turn to your left.

Turn to the right.

Oooooh, fashion! OK, name? Emily Howard.

Eddie Howard.

Sex? We've only just met! Gender.

Well, how utterly absurd! I'm a lady.

I do ladies' things.

Male.

Marital status? Many proposals from eligible gentlemen, but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet.

Wife and three kids.

OK, you're allowed one phone call.

Hello, Tommy? It's Daddy.

Is Mummy there? No.

Well, can you tell Mummy Daddy's been arrested? He's in a police station and he's wearing a dress but there's nothing to worry about.

OK.

Bye.

It is a widely known fact that 90% of Americans cannot write their own name.

Just watering this plant.

But the top minds in the country attend universities like this one.

Come in! Hey, Linda.

- Hello, Steven.

Take a seat.

- Sure.

So How can I help you? Well, all I need to know is when my essay on contemporary African-American playwrights is due in.

I'm not sure.

I'll call Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here, needs to know when his essay is due in.

Yeah.

Steven, Steven Morrow.

The grad student.

You know Steven.

Um, how can I describe him? Er, black hair, nice jazzy waistcoats.

Puts you in mind of a Hobbit.

Gets his clothes from Baby Gap.

Would've made a fabulous Ewok.

You know "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" That's the one, yeah.

Yes, I did the face.

Yes.

Thanks.

It's due in on Monday.

Thanks.

The best way for the American male to indulge his repressed h*m* tendencies is to attend a gym.

- Impressive shower.

- Truly so.

Whoar! Whoar.

Oooh! Man, that is funny! Whoa! Don't you dare do that to me after I've just done that to you.

- Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, you've got a Oh, you've got a Ooh! Ah, ah, OK, don't worry, bro.

It's all good.

Just imagine you're taking a cold shower with Danny DeVito.

That's making it worse! Me too! One of the inmates at this boot camp in Utah is British teenager Vicky Pollard.

Vicky has been getting into trouble all her life.

Her first court appearance for as*ault was when she was two.

Vicky Pollard! Are you trying to escape? Errrrm No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, I'm not, actually, because what happened was this whole thing happened what I don't even know nothing about cos I was, like, totally asleep and then all of a sudden I heard this little bird tweeting like it was stuck up on a fence or something so I climbed up here to save it and I got caught instead.

But that's, like, typical of me because I'll do anything for animals cos I totally love them and I've only got one conviction for animal cruelty and that was only because I tied Bethany Ray's hamster to a firework and set it off and she called the police and said I k*lled it and I got done for it.

But they never found the body so how could they prove it was hamster m*rder? We take attempts to escape very seriously.

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that.

I've not never even tried to escape or nothing.

I, like, totally love this place.

You're so kind to us and you really look after us and you're always, like, making sure we're nice and clean.

That must be why you always watch us take a shower.

We need to get you down and then I'm gonna take you straight to the head warden's office.

Good! Good! Cos I was gonna go and see the head warden anyway because I'm gonna sue this place cos this barbed wire has totally ripped my leggings.

You do realise that because you tried to escape that your sentence will now be increased by another six months.

I don't even care.

You were due to be released tomorrow.

Oh.

That has actually shut me up.

Ellie Grace is a typical, everyday American girl, except that she is played by a 34-year-old British man.

Now, I know you're gonna be very brave, Ellie Grace.

Tonsils are teeny weeny.

They're gonna be out before you know it.

I know, Grandma.

And when you're better, we're all gonna go to Disneyland.

To where, dear? To Disneyland.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Disneyland.

Yes.

I love you, Grandma.

I love you, Mom.

We love you too, Ellie Grace.

I love you more than snowflakes.

I love you more than sunshine.

I love you more than ponies.

I love you more than teddy bears.

Oh! I love you more than cartoons.

I love you more than ice cream.

I love you more than interracial g*ng bangs.

What did she say? I said I love you more than inter We don't need to hear it again, Ellie Grace! Where did you get that from? Some of the older boys at school said they saw a DVD of men and women of different ethnic origins partaking in sexual intercourse with each other.

Well, that stuff is just dirty, Ellie Grace.

But I thought you said it was good if people from all races got along together.

Yes, but not that well.

What's all this? Oh, nothing, Mom.

Hey, there's my brave girl! Are you ready now for your little operation? Sure I am.

I love you more than Toy Story 2.

I love you more than marshmallows.

Oh, ha, I love you more than Snoopy.

I love you more than cupcakes.

I love you more than black cock.

What was that, dear? I said, I love you more than black cock! Takes after her old grandma! The number-one drink in Britain is boiling water.

But in America, it is not uncommon to add some coffee beans, hence the success of coffee-shop chains.

Other than Starbucks.

So this is the site of the first Starbucks in the district.

We're always looking for other properties to expand the Starbucks franchise, so we've just bought this store and we're gonna turn it into a Starbucks.

- The store right next to the Starbucks.

- That's right.

Say you've just come out of this Starbucks and you want another Starbucks.

- You can just go into this Starbucks.

- OK! This store we've made an offer on, we thought it'd make the perfect site for A Starbucks! The one right next to the other two Starbucks.

That's right.

Crucially, this Starbucks is different than the others.

In what way, Steve? Well, Steve, we at Starbucks have had a lot of success in putting branches inside other stores, for instance, Barnes and Noble.

We sure have! So in this Starbucks we're gonna build a Starbucks.

- A Starbucks in a Starbucks! - That's right.

So now you won't have to leave Starbucks to enjoy Starbucks in your Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbu Our next stop is the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

As in Britain, if you have a keen interest in dodgy share dealings and illicit sexual liaisons, you may like to become a politician.

Please, please.

The senator would now like to make a statement.

Thank you.

On Thursday evening, after a meeting with the Secretary of State, I was driving home to my beloved wife and children when I saw an Afro-Caribbean lady standing by the side of the road in what I am now told is a notorious red-light district.

As it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and being a responsible citizen, I thought the lady might appreciate a ride home, so I invited her into my car.

It was an unseasonably warm evening so we both decided to take off all our clothes.

It then became clear to me that the lady was in fact a transsexual.

By which I mean a person, usually a Democrat, with female appearance, but male genitalia.

Then myself and the transsexual, or Raymond, as he is known, climbed onto the back seat to engage in about of wrestling.

My wife will vouch for me.

I'm a keen fan of contact sports.

I then became hungry.

I went to take a bite of what I fatally assumed was a big, black hot dog.

At that moment the police arrived.

Thank you so much.

That is all I have to say.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Americans like to holiday in their own country, which suits the rest of the world just fine.

Lovely afternoon, isn't it? Oh, beautiful.

So warm.

- Pardon me.

Anyone sitting here? - What? Uh, no, please, take a seat.

- Thank you so much.

- Go right ahead.

- Great hotel.

- Oh, yes.

We come here every year.

- So do we.

We love it here.

- Where are you folks from? - We're from North Carolina.

- Oh, how funny! So are we.

Oh.

We're from a little place in New Hanover County.

- So are we.

- Oh, funny! - Do you know Crestwood? - That's where we're from.

We live in Crestwood! - No.

- I don't believe it.

- What are the chances of that? - I don't know.

So whereabouts in Crestwood are you? Oh, if you're coming from the town centre, you pass the church on your left and it's the second turn on your right.

Brooke View Drive.

We live on Brooke View Drive! - You live on Brooke View Drive? - Sure.

Now what number Brooke View Drive? - 42.

But we live at 42 Brooke View Drive.

What are your names? Steve and Wendy Ashby.

We're Steve and Wendy Ashby.

Ohh Back at the university Mm.

Moist croissant.

Come in.

Hi, Linda.

Ah, hello, Darin.

Take a seat.

How can I help you? Linda, I was wondering if I could get an extension on my dissertation on feminist poetry.

It's due in on Thursday and I think I need the weekend to finish it.

I'm not sure.

I'll call Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here who needs an extension on his dissertation.

Darin.

Darin Chao.

How can I describe him? Um Black hair, big fan of noodles.

Pen pals with Clay Aiken.

That's right, the ladyboy.

OK.

He says that's fine.

Thanks.

Bye.

Me love you long time! Today, British tourists Lou and Andy are visiting a zoo.

Like many British people, I was raised in a zoo.

I still won't eat fish unless you throw it at me.

- I wanna go and see the Ewoks.

- No, you don't get Ewoks in a zoo, Andy.

I know.

Now.

Do you know what kind of animal that is? Monkey.

No, it's not a monkey, it's a lion.

Yeah, I know.

Now, that's a male lion.

Do you know what female lions are called? Mrs.

Lion.

No, it's a lioness.

Now, what do you think lions eat? Food.

That's right! Yeah! Well done! Yeah, they do eat food.

"The lion enjoys a diet that includes wildebeest, zebras and buffalo.

" Yeah, I know.

I wanna go and stroke it.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not allowed to stroke the lion.

Yeah, you are.

No, you're not.

That would be exceedingly dangerous.

Now, you wait here.

I'll go and get you an ice cream.

OK? Hello there, friend.

Um, could I have two vanilla ice creams, please? In cones, if it's not too much of a kerfuffle.

American money here.

Just getting used to it cos I'm actually from England.

You heard of England? It's a very nice country.

Uh, it's not as big as this country.

Um, I think probably a Thanks for the ice cream, sir.

What the? Have you got a plaster? It's all coming out now.

Like the British, Americans love dogs.

Dogs were, of course, invented in 1952.

So.

What do you want for your dinner tonight, Mr.

Doggy? I don't mind, Mom.

Everything you give me is delicious.

Oh, Mr.

Doggy! That's because Mommy loves you very much.

And I love you too, Mom.

Mwah! Anything for my darling boy! Look at that brick.

Which one? That one.

Oh, yes.

I see it.

Wouldn't you like to see that brick go through that store window? Well, I I don't know.

Hear the smash.

See the shards of glass fall to the ground, splintering everywhere, bringing chaos and confusion! No, I I wouldn't wanna see that, Mr.

Doggy.

I would.

I would love to see that.

Imagine the distress it would cause.

Come on, Mr.

Doggy.

Let's get you that beefsteak.

Pick up the brick! No, I can't.

Pick up the brick! Oh, huh, if you say so, Mr.

Doggy I I, uh Well, uh, I've got the brick, but I'm not throwing it through the window.

- Throw it! - No! Throw it, you piece of sh*t! - No! - If you loved me, you'd do it.

Ohhh Are you happy now? Well, no! What in hell's name did you do that for? - But you told me to - You are one crazy bitch.

Oh! Oh! Oh! These British and American tourists are on a luxury cruise.

The first cruise I ever came on was Tom Cruise.

So what happened to Mrs.

Devere? Her credit card was fake, so we had no option but to put her off at Rio.

Excellent.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Good evening, Captain.

And may I say, Mr.

Getty, what an honour it is to have you aboard.

That's very kind of you.

This food is delicious.

Yes, the fish soup is extraordinary.

Captain Douglas! Please, uh, carry on with your dinner.

- Put her off at Rio, eh? - I'm sorry? You didn't know I was a champion swimmer, did you, darling? No, I didn't.

Oh, yes.

I doubled for Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.

And I did some of the long sh*ts in Free Willy.

Please, Mrs.

Devere.

Call me Bubbles, darling.

Everybody does.

- Can we have the discussion outside? - No, I think everybody should know.

Excuse me.

I'm just gonna get some assistance.

I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

Bubbles Devere.

- Stuart Rawlinson.

- Oh.

- Bartok Tanner.

- Oh.

- Mary Rawlinson.

- Ugh.

Paul Getty the Second.

Ooh! From the very rich Getty family? - Yes.

Yes.

- Oh.

Ohh! So.

Is there a Mrs.

Paul Getty the Second? Mrs.

Paul Getty passed away earlier this year.

Champagne! Champagne for everyone! So, Mr.

Very Rich and Recently Widowed Getty Part Deux, why don't you and I retire to your cabin for a private little "dinoir" of our own? - Oh, no.

Thank you very much, though.

- Are you sure I can't persuade you? Heartily.

Oh.

You've dropped your napkin.

Oh! You've got a starfish in the middle of your Oh, ha-ha! Meet me round the back of the lifeboats in fifteen minutes.

No.

No, thank you, huh The United Nations is an international organisation that America and Britain consult to see if they should start a w*r with somebody and whose advice they then completely ignore.

Which is why I strongly believe that m*llitary action should be taken at this juncture.

Thank you.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

I now call upon the Prime Minister of Japan, Mr.

Udigawa.

Do you want to go out for a cigarette? Can I swap with you? Pass it on.

And so our voyage of discovery has come to an end.

What interesting insights we now have into the people of our two nations.

We've learned that the British and Americans have two legs, that they both eat food and that they sometimes wear hats.

Fascinating! Goodbye!