01x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Little Britain USA". Aired: September 28 – November 2, 2008.
American spinoff from the original 'Little Britain' and some new characters feature in this comedic exploration of the modern American society from, and starring, British comedians Matt Lucas and David Walliams.
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01x06 - Episode 6

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Britain and America.

We have given each other so much over the years.

We gave you Sir William Shakespeare.

You gave us the American Pie trilogy.

We gave you the Royal Family.

You gave us the Olsen twins.

We gave you Noel Coward.

You gave us MÃtley Crüe.

But what about the people of our two great nations? Who are? What do? And why? Let us find out now in this, the final episode of Little Britain USA.

Children were, of course, abolished in Britain during the 1950s, but remain very popular in America.

Are you excited about your first sleepover, Ellie Grace? Oh, yes, Mommy, but in a way I'll be sad, too, because I'm gonna miss ya heaps.

I do love you, Ellie Grace.

I love you too, Mom.

I love you more than teddy bears.

I love you more than Sesame Street.

I love you more than sugar kisses.

I love you more than Thanksgiving.

I love you more than baby deers.

I love you more than Dumbo.

- I love you more than pink blossom.

- I love you more than I love you more than Have I got you b*at, Ellie Grace? No, no! Oh! I love you more than double-headed dildos.

Ellie Grace! How many times must I tell you you are not to mention such rude things? Sorry, Mommy.

Especially not to the twins or their mom, or they'll never have you over again! Yes, Mommy.

It's OK.

(BELL BING-BONGS) Hey, guys, welcome! The girls are just out playing in the yard.

Jenny! - Jessie! - Thank you so much for having her.

I'll pick her up tomorrow at 9.

00 for her ballet class.

- Great.

We'll see you then.

- Hello, Mrs Day.

Hello, Ellie Grace.

- Hello, twins.

- Hey, girls.

Don't you look pretty? Now, be good, Ellie Grace, and remember what I told you.


Bye, Mom.

I love you more than bunny rabbits! - No, we're not playing that game.

- Oh, it sounds cute.

I love you more than bunny rabbits.

- I love you more than cheesecake.

- I love you more than Santa Claus.

I love you more than birthdays.

I love you more than homemade cookies.

I love you more than a**l beads.

Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I Oh! Oh! Oh! Meanwhile, at this hospital - Vicky's just down here.

- How's she doing? A little better.

We've taken her off life support.

She's suffered some very serious injuries.

- Oh, dear.

- She'll have to learn how to walk again.

- This is terrible.

- And she's lost the power of speech.


Well every cloud.

This way.

(MONITOR BEEPS) - Can she hear me? - Her hearing is fine.

We've been teaching her to speak again using this machine here.

Oh, Vicky, what happened? (SYNTHESISED KEYSTROKES CLICK) (JERKY MALE VOICE) No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, because this whole thing happened or something or nothing which I don't even know anything about, so shut up.

But why on earth did you jump off of the chapel roof? (SYNTHESISED KEYSTROKES CLICK) Oh, my God! I so can't believe you said that.

You are well gonna get beatings! I didn't even have nothing to do with it.

You know Candice, the fat girl with the lazy eye? Well, we was all well bored and she bet me I wouldn't jump off the roof.

And you did it?! A dollar's a dollar.

Can I call anyone for you? No.

She needs to rest now.

I'll come back and see you soon.

Get your hands off me, you dirty lezzer.

Politicians in Britain have never been involved in any scandal whatsoever.

Unless, of course, you include impregnating your secretary or attempting to m*rder a male prost*tute.

In Washington, Senator White is apologising for yet another indiscretion.

On Tuesday evening, after a late-night session in the Senate, I was driving home when I discovered that I needed to use the restroom.

So I drove to a nearby airport.

On arrival at the restroom, I met a young Puerto Rican gentleman.

He invited me into his cubicle to talk about Republican Party policy.

As I made my way into the cubicle, I slipped upon the wet floor, and in the confusion, pulled down the young man's pants and briefs.

At that point, my clothes accidentally fell off.

The young man, Raoul, then realised he had lost a contact lens.

He then bent over to find it.

During his search, he inadvertently backed onto me and I regret to say a part of my body entered his.

At this point, the police arrived, and I can see how the events could have been misconstrued.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(CLAMOUR OF QUESTIONS) This is just one of many diet classes happening today all over America, where there are now huge numbers of obese people, or greedy, fat slobs.

OK, so today we're gonna try something a little bit different.

Can we have a volunteer, please, to come up here and tell us all why they're so revoltingly fat? Yes, Tony, you had your hand up.

If you'd like to come and join us up here.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Here he comes.

Easy! OK.

So, Tony, you - and I know you won't mind me saying it - you are one of the very most fattiest people here.

In fact, I often struggle to fit all of you in my field of vision.

Tony, when did your problems with weight g*n? Well, it started in school.

I was a little overweight and the kids would tease me and the more they teased me, the more I'd eat.

I guess I was comfort eating.

It's a vicious circle, isn't it, Tony? - Yeah.

- Yeah.


Boo-hoo! Yum, yum, yum! Yeah? (SHE WAILS) Dah, dah, dah! And what did they say, Tony? - What did they call you? - Fatty.

Oh! That's not nice, is it? They called him Fatty.

- Not Fatty Boom-Boom? - No.

They didn't go, "Mmm, Fatty Boom-Boom, Fatty Fatty Boom-Boom"? - No.

- No.

Just Fatty.


- Pig? - No.

- Piggy? - No.

(SHOUTS) Pigs in space! No! No.


Jabba the Hutt? - No.

- No.

Tub of shit? - Once.

- Once.

Babar the Elephant? - No.

- No.

Ooh! Barry White? No.


You're not black, are you? - No.

- No.

He's not black, no.

Just fat.

Jabba the Hutt? - You already said that one.

- Anyone else got any suggestions? No? Come on! Oh, you're no fun, you lot! - So just Fatty.

- Yeah.

They just called me Fatty.



They just called him Fatty.

That's what they called him - Fatty.

Didn't they? Fatty.

Hmm? Hmm? Fatty! Hmm? Hmm? FATTY! Hmm? Hmm? (COCKNEY) Yer fat, fat, Fatty! Oi! Oi! Awright, Fatty? (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Man, you fat! You a Fatty! You a Fatty! Yeah.

Kids can be so cruel.

What about the teachers? What did they call you? - They never called me any names.

- They would've.

Just not to your face.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Sorry Sorry, what was that? - Leave Tony alone.

- No, do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- I can't understand.

Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Do it again.

- Leave Tony alone.

- Oh! Yeah, about a quarter to nine.

OK? Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.

Man, you fat! Fatty, Fatty, Fatty! You know, you shouldn't be speaking to Tony like that.

- You ain't so slim yourself.

- Yeah! - Do it again.

- She's just a bully.

- What did they call YOU at school? - They called me Marjorie, actually.

Or Beautiful Marjorie.

Or Princess Gorgeous.

Now get back to your seat, please.

FATTY! We continue ourjourney at this hospital in Pennsylvania.

The health service is free in Britain.

If you want to develop secondary infections in America, you have to pay for them.

Oh, for f*ck's sake! I have an appointment to see the cardiologist.

My name is Peter Beale.

Computer says no.

Apparently, you're already d*ad.

That must be a mistake.


MOVE! One thing that's very popular in our country is transvestism.

In fact, I'm wearing bra and knickers right now.

Man, it feels good! It's this man's lucky night, as tr*nsv*stite Emily Howard has arrived.

Oh-ho-ho! You must be Leo! Oh, you must be Emily.

Yes, I'm Emily.

Emily Howard - a lady.

Well, this is ratherjolly, isn't it? I've never been on a blind date before.

I'm pleasantly surprised.


I, too, am surprised.

Good evening.


Are we, er ready to order? Um, yes.

I eat like a bird.

I'll have a large steak, please, rare, with, um a portion of fries.

It comes with fries.

- Yes.

I'd like extra fries, please.

- Right.

- And you, sir? - Er oh.

I'm actually not that hungry any more.

I'll just have the green salad.

Very good, gentlemen.

I'm a lady! Oh, chin-chin.

Ah! Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I'm a lady and I do ladies' things, like attend luncheons and society balls and the opera and shit.

Well, do excuse me.

I must just go and powder my nose.

Oh! Silly mistake.

I am a lady.

Won't be long, lover boy! Oh! Taking me home already, are we? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Naughty! (BRAKES SQUEAL) Well, this is me.

So do you want to come in for coffee? Oh, I'd love to, but, er I really don't want to.

You can post the wig back to me! British people love to holiday in the United States.

Fraternising with Americans gives them a great sense of moral and intellectual superiority.

For this British couple, their holiday is coming to an end.

Flight delayed.

(LAUGHS) And I could go and ask the girl but she'll tell us to keep looking at the screens, which we are doing.

So I mean, some people are boarding, just not us.

Quebec, boarding.

Rio de Janeiro, boarding.

Beijing, boarding.

Barcelona, last call.

I mean, that's saying if you're planning to go to Barcelona, you'd better get your skates on cos that really is the last call.

So Might get another cup of tea.

Do you want one? No, best not.

Your bladder's not what it was.

And your arse has given up as well, innit? So So WOMAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: British Airways flight to London Heathrow boarding now at Gate 15.

Come on, you (BLEEP).

Welsh student Dafydd Thomas is a h*m*.

I used to be h*m* but I had to give it up.

It made my eyes water.

The man's an inspiration.

(RHYTHMIC CREAKING) Will you be quiet? (MOANING AND RHYTHMIC CREAKING) Excuse me, there's a gay man trying to sleep in here! Oh, for God's sake! Make way for the gay.

Come on, open up, please, this is Dafydd, the gay from next door.

Open up, please.

What? Oh, look at you! Cover up, woman, it's obscene! Is there a problem? Yes.

There is a problem.

I am trying to sleep next door but I cannot because you and your boyfriend are - and excuse my language - making love.

- What's going on, honey? - I shall tell you, sir, what's going on.

- Did you just call me sir? - Yeah.

- I'm a woman.

- I should tell you, madam, what's Oh, my God! You mean you're? Lesbians.


Ugh! Ugh! I'm sorry, is there a problem with that? Yes.

I do have a problem with that.

I am the only gay on campus.

No, I don't think so.

We're gay too.

You're lesbians.

That doesn't really count, does it? BOTH: Yes.

It's not proper gay, though.

I mean, what do you even do? It's just a bit of minge munching, isn't it? "Minge munching"? Look.

There's no need to be lesbian.

You could get a boyfriend.

- You couldn't.

- How dare you?! I'm no lesbiphobic, but if you wanna sit around all day watching reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess and not shaving your legs, that's your business.

But I do need my sleep, so please, just for tonight, no more licky-licky.

This is the neighbourhood of retired astronaut Bing Gordyn, the eighth man on the moon.

Britain has sent hundreds of people to the moon.

We just choose not to go on about it.

We are not arrogant.

- You must be Dean.

- Uh-huh.

Yes, sir.

Come on in.

So, you're doing your undergrad thesis on the moon landings.

That's right, sir.

Well, you've come to the right place! Pretty neat, huh? Well, that's me taking my first steps on the moon.

- Take a seat.

Take a seat.

- Thank you.

Another one of me, um, on the moon.

That's me also on that moon.

Oh, huh, that's me on Carson meeting James Bond himself.

George Lazenby.

And you say you were the ninth man on the moon? Eighth man on the moon.

Eighth man! - Who the hell was the ninth?! (LAUGHING) - (LAUGHING) It's quite a collection.


Well, when a guy goes to the moon, people don't let you forget about it.

- Yeah, I'll bet.

- So, what's the title of your thesis? Oh, it's called An American Conspiracy: How The Moon Landings Were Faked.




Hey, would you like glass of water or some Tang or? Sure, I'll have some water.

(MUTTERING) Guy wants a glass of water - So the moon landings didn't happen? - Uh, it's just a theory.

- All the moon landings? - Uh Cos if you're saying the first one didn't happen, then fine, cos that would make me the sixth man on the moon.

Actually, I was going to suggest that all the moon landings were faked.

Listen to me, assh*le.

I went to the moon, OK? I went to the moon.

It was real cold, the food was horrible, I threw up in my helmet.

So I'm not having some ret*rd from the University of ret*rd telling me I didn't go to the moon! I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

So, what are you gonna write in your little essay? That the moon landings definitely did happen.

And? And that you were the best guy who went there.

Really? Run! I went to the g*dd*mn moon! (FIRES g*n) Moon stuff.

Another nondescript state in this God-awful country is Ohio, where this American couple have been playing host to their British relatives.

I'm making some coffee.

You want anything? (SIGHING) Bitty.

Oh, come on, what do you want? Bitty, I want bitty.

(CHUCKLING) Who breastfeeds at 25?! - (LAUGHING) - Good morning.

BOTH: Oh I didn't see you there.


- I'm sorry.

We we were just - So that's how you feel about us, is it? That we're some sort of a joke? No, no, not at all.

It's just It's just the whole bitty thing is, well, weird.

Oh, we're "weird", are we? Well, I'm sorry we ever darkened your door! We're leaving! Celia? (SIGHING) Oh, God.

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - CELIA, FROM INSIDE: Yes? DAVID: We wanted to say sorry.


We really don't want you to go.

Thank you.

Well, Harvey and Gerald are terribly upset.

- You'd better apologise to them, too.

- Oh, of course.

One thing that irritates British people about Americans is that they can't even spell.

Look at that sign! Peasants! So, uh, how'd your eye surgery go? Oh, I, uh I kinda lied to you about that, bud.

I didn't have an operation on my eye.

I I had one on my dick.

- Your dick? - Yeah.

I had a penis-enlargement operation.

- But dude, your dick was epic.

- I know.

I know! I just wanted it that little bit bigger.

- Can I see it? - I would love you to see it.

Thank you.

That is a monster.

I know! - You should do p*rn.

- I'm thinking about it.

Do you think any woman could accommodate that? I don't know, but I'm sure as hell gonna have fun finding out! Way to go! I actually had an operation like that last week.

But your dick was, like, the biggest dick that ever lived.

I know.

But I always had that nagging feeling it could be a little bigger.

May I see it? I would be honoured and privileged for you to see it.

- Thank you.

- No.

Thank you.


Uh, that's, a Yeah, the surgery went a little wrong, so they said, "Is it OK if we make it into a vagina?" So I said, "Sure.

" That's a nice vagina, man.

Hey, thanks, man.

Should we go take a shower? Yeah.

Oh, I should probably use the ladies'.

- Sure.

- Yeah.

At their motel in Mississippi, Lou has returned with Andy's lunch.

- Andy? - Morning.

Where did you get that? You know the old lady who stays at the motel? Yeah - She gave it to me.

- Really? Yeah.

Oh! Where are you going? - Out.

- What about me? - Don't need you any more.

- You don't need me any more? No.

Not now I got this.

Bye, Andy! Bye, Len! It's Lou! (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) Lo-o-o-ou? Yes, Andy? Help me.


- Yeah, I know.

And so this extraordinary television series has come to an end, the series that brought the people of our great nations even closer together.

In fact, our relationship has become so strong that surely now is the time to b*mb the hell out of the rest of the world.

Come on.

Let's do it! You go first.

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