03x08 - To Catch a Mouse

[bunniefuu]

[DANA] Hey, Ian.

Oh. Hey, Dana.

Is this your next big idea?

[IAN] No.

In fact, this is holding me back
from having any ideas at all.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What up, cobbers?

Hey, Poppy, what is this?

Uh, that is a Post-it.

No, it's not. It's an eyesore,

and every time I... I can't
even... Every time I turn around,

I'm just pulled right back
to this piece of sh*t. No.

Um, tough titties.

Post-it notes are a part of my system.

That's... That's how I remember
my big ideas, 'cause I'm...

I don't know if you heard, but
I'm having big ideas now too.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

What does "haptics" mean?

Shouldn't you be working?

I'll tell you what.
This is basic, Poppy.

- Right?
- Cheugy.

- Cheugy?
- Mm-hmm.

- This is cheugy.
- You don't know what that means.

- And you're cheugy as well.
- I don't know what that means.

It's like "basic," but not as old.

- [IAN] Mmm.
- Oh. Thank you.

We're gonna take a whole
class on social cues,

but first, we're gonna deal with this.

Can't you just take
notes like a normal person

and... and... [STAMMERS]
and put them into your phone?

No, because like a normal
person, I lost my phone ages ago,

and now Dana takes my calls for me.

Don't nobody call you.
It's mad depressing.

That's 'cause she's cheugy, right?

- Nice usage.
- Thank you.

Can you stop weighing in?

Okay, you know what? If you can't
even remember what this means,

then your system sucks.

All right. Okay. Fine, fine,

but if we're gonna be
talking about broken systems,

I would like to address
the air-conditioning.

- Why? What's wrong with it?
- It's freezing in here.

Poppy, how many times
have we been through this?

I have chosen this very
specific temperature

to optimize for peak brain
function and moisture retention.

Why on earth would I
want to retain moisture?

- I don't know. Ask your crow's-feet.
- What does... What do you...

When you look in the mirror,
do you not see the dry skin?

I mean, Poppy, you
don't drink enough water.

I get all the juice I
need from hard candy.

You don't need juice. You need water.

Okay, Dana, can you weigh in on
this? It's too cold in here, right?

As much as I hate to agree with
her, it is freezing in here.

That's two against one.
Who's cheugy now, bitch?

All right, I'm gonna choose
the temperature of the office.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I'm
seeing something in the s.

- No, no, no. Don't... Don't do that.
- In the s. Seventy-one?

You're making fun of me,
and... and... [STAMMERS]

Office, set the temperature
to degrees Celsius.

[OFFICE SYSTEM] Setting.

Oh. That's so hot.

Absolutely degrading.

What is?

I have an IQ of .

In prison, I became the consigliere
for a prominent Italian g*ng

in a matter of days.

Now I'm pouring coffee for Rachel,
an adult woman who wears overalls,

into her very special "kawaii neko" mug.

- Aw!
- I should've stayed in prison.

- I would've been the don by now.
- Don't think of it like that.

Sure, the individual
tasks may be menial,

but our jobs are very important.

I take a lot of pride in knowing
I'm assisting a powerful man,

accomplishing powerful things.

[DAVID SHRIEKS]

[SLAMS]

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS] Back to work.

[DAVID CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[WHISTLING]

Hey. [CHUCKLES, HUMMING]

Good. Looks... Looking good.

[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, I don't want to, uh, panic
the employees, but we have a rat.

[BOTH] Interesting.

Yeah. Jo, I need you to
take care of it, okay?

- Lucky.
- Consider it done.

- Which department does the rat work in?
- What? No, no.

It's a... It's an actual
rat. Like, in my office.

Are you accusing me? I
would never betray you.

Mmm, sounds like
something a rat would say.

What? No. Guys, no. I'm
talking about an animal.

We need an exterminator.

Got it. This filthy, treasonous
animal cannot be allowed to live.

- Nope.
- David,

if you want someone
to handle your problem,

talk to the guy who's been to prison.

- Stop this.
- I know how to handle a rat.

Ironically, you might
have to work with a mole.

Stop it! [BREATHES DEEPLY]

I'm just gonna restart this
conversation. Um, there is a mouse, right?

A small, furry rodent with a tail,

that is in my office
scurrying around. I saw it.

You know what? I'm gonna
draw the damn thing.

Excuse me. Sorry.

I just figure, make it
nice and clear, right?

'Cause this has four legs.

- [BOTH] Oh.
- [SIGHS]

So, yeah. Can you just
take care of it, please?

And, um, text me when you're done.
I'm gonna go work outside. Okay?

Uh... Not because I'm
afraid of the mouse.

[CHUCKLES] No, it's, uh...

I was always gonna do that.
Just gonna work outside,

because it's just such a... It's
a great day today. Beautiful.

It's degrees outside.

I'm from Arizona, Jo. That's,
uh... That's not that hot.

It was last week and
you almost passed out.

I had to hold frozen
peas to your neck all day.

Just get the g*dd*mn rat. 'Kay?

This is degrading.

The only thing lower than a rat
catcher is a local news correspondent.

Any idiot can do it.

I disagree.

Whether you're hunting a literal
rat or a metaphorical one,

the principles are the same.

Rats are cunning. Expert survivalists.

They move under the cover of darkness

and to catch them, you need
to set an unassailable trap.

Yes. We are the perfect people
to handle this delicate mission.

- Let's catch ourselves a rat.
- Hmm.

David told us to be discreet.

The employees can't
know what we're doing.

Everyone, leave! Now! You will
not be provided with a reason.

Go!

[EMPLOYEES CLAMORING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[YELPS, GROANS]

What the hell?

Hey. Hey! Hey, Ian. Ian!

What?

[POPPY] Ugh.

Did you turn the
air-conditioning back on?

No, I didn't touch it.

Well, then why can I
feel air blowing around?

Oh, uh, well, that's because
I programmed a gentle breeze.

Because the office is Web ,

it has the capability of adjusting

for minor changes in the microclimate.

How's that not air-conditioning?

Well, because I haven't
conditioned the air in any way.

I've simply moved it
around in a different way.

I could program, say, a draft instead
of a breeze. Would you like that?

- No. No, I do... I don't like it at all.
- How about a gust?

Office, gust.

[OFFICE SYSTEM] Gusting.

Are you messing with me?

No, no, I'm... I'm simply
trying to find a compromise.

Okay, well, I can't...
I can't work like this.

Well, neither can I.

Well, you're not
really working, are you?

I'm... I'm building an entire game
from scratch, and you're, you know,

pacing around and giv-giving
yourself handies in the metaverse.

Just because I don't
sit in front of a desk

all day long staring at a screen,

doesn't mean that I'm not working.

I am trying to propel
GrimPop into the future,

and I can't do that in this environment.

Oh, oh, oh, your brain can't function
unless the air in here is so cold

that my nipples tear out of my jumper?

Why are we talking about your
nipples? And what is a "jumper"?

- A jumper.
- A "jumper"?

A jumper. My jumper.

- What is a "jumper"?
- A jumper!

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- A jumper!

[MUSIC PLAYING IN HEADPHONES]

[POPPY] Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana.

Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana.

[POPPY, IAN] Dana.
Dana. Dana, Dana. Dana.

- Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana.
- Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana.

[POPPY] Dana. Dana. Dana.

- What?
- Hi, um, could you just back me up here?

- We can't work like this.
- Will you back me up?

- Back me up. Can't work like this.
- I can't work like this.

- It's clear we all can't work like this.
- We...

Work like what?

- Well, the breeze. The breeze.
- Yeah...

- He's made a breeze...
- [DANA GROANS]

... and it's distracting
the sh*t out of us.

Right now, you're distracting me.

- Come on!
- See? That's what I'm talking about.

- Can't you side with me for once?
- No.

- We're the women. Team women.
- You can't do that!

- You. Me.
- You can't influence the judge.

Oh. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

I am not the judge. Okay?

Will you please just leave me alone?

[HUFFS] I am trying to work on Playpen!

Which is what you should
be doing right now.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That's what... Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I was saying.

- Okay, cool. Thank you.
- That's what I've been trying to do.

- Thank you.
- [POPPY] Thanks, Dana.

- Well, that was clearly inconclusive...
- Right, right. Clearly.

... so, therefore the breeze remains.

[POPPY] Fine, keep your stupid breeze.

Office, turn the lights down to %.

[OFFICE SYSTEM] Dimming.

Wait. W-What is that?

The bright lights make it very
difficult for me to read my screen.

Poppy... [SMACKS LIPS] ... the
lights are programmed to coincide

with our circadian rhythms.

We need to align ourselves with the
cycles of what's going on outside.

Therefore, I have engineered
the lights to mimic the path

of the sun across the
sky on any given day.

Okay, you know what else
is engineered to do that?

f*cking windows.

- Office, lights up.
- [OFFICE SYSTEM] Raising.

- [GASPS] Office, lights down.
- [OFFICE SYSTEM] Dimming.

- Office, lights up.
- [OFFICE SYSTEM] Raising.

- Office, lights down.
- Dimming.

- [IAN] Office, lights up.
- Raising.

- [POPPY] Office, lights down.
- Dimming.

- [IAN] Office, lights up.
- Raising.

[MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES]

- No. No, do not listen to his...
- Go strobe! No, yeah.

[IAN] No, yeah. Strobe on.

- [POPPY] This is unnecessary.
- Office, stop!

[OFFICE SYSTEM] Stopping.

- [DANA] Office, lights off.
- [OFFICE SYSTEM] Lights off.

[POPPY] Oh, right. Well,
that's just childish.

[IAN] I mean, come
on. Office, lights on.

[OFFICE SYSTEM] Lights on.

[POPPY] Ah... Wait, where'd she go?

Office, bring Dana back.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- Huh.

- Kinda thought that was gonna work.
- I thought for a split second, right.

Hey, David. What are you doing out here?

Hey. Just, uh... You
know, just chillin'.

- Chillin'?
- Yeah.

You lookin' mad sweaty.

Yeah. Yeah, it's hot. It's a lot of sun.

Do you have sunglasses, or a hat,

or, like, a parasol or something?

No. Uh, I don't know what that is.

- Doesn't matter. What are you up to?
- Well, I can't work in our office.

Poppy and Ian are driving me nuts.

- They're constantly fighting...
- Ah.

... about stupid sh*t
that doesn't matter.

And then they pull me into it
like I'm g*dd*mn Judge Judy.

- You feel me?
- Oh, I feel you.

- [DANA SIGHS]
- Can I say that?

- You can say it if I say it first.
- Right, that makes sense.

I mean, it's literally
impossible to get anything done.

They are taking over our
entire office with this sh*t.

Oh, trust me, I know.

One time they were arguing
over the color of Ian's T-shirt.

They brought in the art department
in the middle of the night

to determine whether it was true black.

[SCOFFS] That's nothing.

One time, Ian said, "For
all intensive purposes,"

and Poppy hammered him so hard about
it, then pulled out a dictionary.

- And Ian said, "I don't...
- [BOTH] ... do dictionaries."

[SCOFFS] What does that even mean?

I don't know. I've seen
him use a dictionary.

- They're the worst.
- Yeah, really are.

Sup, David? Hey, man.
Lookin' really sweaty.

Yeah, um, Anthony,
why aren't you at work?

Oh, your crazy assistant
threw us out of the office.

So now we're all hanging out here.

You look like you're having
a stroke. It looks crazy.

Wait, so the entire office is empty?

I guess so. [SIGHS]

I gave Jo one task.

[SIGHS] We have a rat.

Who is it?

Don't even, okay? I
can't deal with this.

I-I gotta go back to the office.

- Wait, do you have AC?
- Yeah.

AC and an empty office?
[SCOFFS] I'm comin' with you.

[BRAD WHISTLES] Another day done.

Of course, the nighttime is
when the janitor's work begins,

because everyone else is gone.

Yeah, just me and a big, empty
office filled with crumbs.

- Trap is set.
- [JO, THROUGH PHONE] Good.

Keep moving.

Yeah, I see a lot of crumbs out here.

Fortunately, I lack the requisite pride

in my work to clean it up.

[JO] Nice.

Play dumb. Let him
think he's in control.

[JO] Or she.

[RUSTLING]

[JO] Brad? What is it?

[WHISPERING] It's close.

[JO] Stay calm. Let him come to us.

Why did we go for a humane trap?

Because I wanna look
into its beady little eyes

when I deliver the k*ll sh*t.

- You were gonna sh**t it?
- Yeah. What were you planning?

Slowly submerging it into a bucket,

so we could taunt it while it drowns.

- I miss these talks.
- Hmm.

- What's goin' on?
- We're blown. [SIGHS] sh**t.

Thanks a lot, David.

- Hey, guys.
- [BOTH] Hi, Dana.

[SMACKS LIPS] All right, I'm out.

- What are you two doing?
- Nothing now. You bungled our operation.

Your operation?

I gave you a simple task,
to look for... [SCREAMS]

[CHEWING]

[BOTH] Fascinating.

Okay, so it came out when the
lights were on. Why is that?

- Why does anyone do anything?
- Sex, power, greed.

Precisely. Only this rat chose
to steal foam from a chair

instead of nibbling
on a delicious cookie.

Excuse me. Why are
we profiling a rodent?

We need to call an exterminator.

We might not need it. It seems
like this rat has a death wish.

Or maybe a life wish.

I think I know what kind
of rat we're dealing with.

[SOFTLY] And I know how to catch it.

[STRAINS, GRUNTS]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey.
- Have you just been waiting out here

- for me to pee?
- No, actually, I've been...

- Have you been peeing this entire time?
- Yeah.

Dude, I've been out here
for, like, minutes.

How long does it take you to pee?

You need to drink more water.

- I feel bad for your kidneys.
- What do you want?

Okay. We'll deal with this later.

But look, Poppy, I just sort of saw it.

And I've been working on something

that I think is a perfect compromise,

and it's gonna make us both very happy.

I doubt it.

- Come on. Let's go.
- [GROANING] Oh.

Physical contact, eye contact.

- You're so obsessed with contact.
- Okay, that's 'cause I'm a human being.

- All right, now just focus up.
- [GROANS]

- And stop here.
- Uh-huh.

And open your eyes.

Ta-da!

You got rid of my desk?

Yes. And no.

Here, look.

Let me show you.

[SIGHS] I call it...

the efficiency pod.

Pretty cool, huh?

Imagine a world where
each individual employee

is able to create their
own individual workspace,

but in a contained way that
doesn't spill out into common areas.

Hmm.

Right.

- Pretty great, huh?
- Oh, my God.

[STAMMERS] I mean, it's brilliant.

- Yes!
- I'm impressed.

I mean, look at this amazing,
brand-new thing you've come up with.

Yes! Yes, I think it's going to
revolutionize the way that people work.

Yeah. They should put this
in every office in America.

Uh-huh. That's exactly
what I was thinking.

I knew you would get it.

- It just sort of came to me.
- Yeah.

Love it, love it, love it, love it.

You've invented a cubicle.

- No.
- Yeah.

No, that's not what this is.

But what does it do?

Uh, well, it's a workstation.

And where is it?

In the middle of an office.

[WHISPERING] And what shape is it?

- Cube.
- It's a cube.

It's a cubicle. [CHUCKLING]
You invented a cubicle.

- g*dd*mn it. Damn it.
- [LAUGHING]

A cubicle. It's an amazing, new idea.

- Gather round, a genius at work!
- [HUFFS] All right, stop making fun of me.

But hey, relax. It's... It's
one bad idea. It happens.

- I don't have bad ideas, okay?
- Well, clearly you do. So...

I... I feel like I'm in
a hostile work environment

- and my...
- Oh, it's my fault? It's my fault now?

I can't think straight
because my brain feels

like it's a poached egg in a
frying pan and I'm all scrambled.

That's like three different
kinds of egg preparations.

I need some fresh air.

[LAUGHING]

[BRAD] Problem solved.

- What is this?
- Your rat. We caught it.

- Problem solved.
- No, not solved.

- I asked you to take care of it.
- And we did.

Not you. I wasn't talking to you.
I don't even know why you're here.

I think you always knew I was
gonna get involved in this.

I did not.

Either way, we outwitted
this cunning animal

and made a nice little nest for
the rat to have its babies in.

See, I realized it was pregnant,

which was why it was
stealing foam and not food.

Problem solved.

Stop saying that. I didn't want
one rat. Why would I want rats?

I thought you'd be pleased.

Really? That's insane. Dana.

Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana.

Dana. Dana.

Dana. Dana.

- Dana. Dana.
- What?

Can you tell them that it's insane
that they think I want rats?

I don't wanna be a part of this.

- Would you k*ll a pregnant rat, Dana?
- No.

It's not pregnant anymore.

Oh, that's right. It's not pregnant.

Dana, would you dispose
of these rats humanely?

But, uh, do make sure they're dead.

Absolutely f*cking not, David.

Come on. I don't wanna deal with rats.

- You feel me?
- David.

Right. Only if you say it first.

All right. I'll do it.

[GROANS] I'm not gonna do it.

Okay, well, enjoy your new pet rats.

Problem... [WHISPERING] ... solved.

Not solved!

[SQUEAKING]

How do you guys feel
about living in Cerritos?

[POPPY] Fresh air, huh?

Needed four hours of fresh air

'cause I made fun of
your efficiency pod?

Shut the f*ck up.

[POPPY] Okay.

I, uh...

I turned the temperature down

- if you wanna come and do some...
- Why are you trying to take my thing?

What?

I see it. You build it.

That's the way it has always been,

and now you're trying to do both. Why?

I... I don't know. I... I
didn't think of it like that.

Bullshit. You f*cking liar.

You come in throwing your weight
around. You put up your Post-it notes.

You make fun of me with
your "big idea" hands.

- You know exactly what you're doing.
- What I'm doing is my job.

You're doing my job.

Well, maybe that's because you're
not around to f*cking do it.

- Oh, come on. Please.
- Yes.

Yes, excuse me if I want
a little more control

over an office that
you are barely ever in.

You know, every time I
turn around, you're gone.

You're in the metaverse.
You're off with Dana.

You're doing f*cking
God knows what else.

I've tried to help you. Every
single time I try, you kick me out.

Yes, but I always kick you out.

You never actually leave.

What's changed, Ian?

- I don't know.
- [SHOUTING] Yes, you do.

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do!

- I don't kn...
- You know! You know!

It's because this time it's my game.

And you don't wanna
work on my game, do you?

No.

I knew it.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[SOFTLY] I f*cking knew it.

Wait, Poppy, Poppy, Poppy, Poppy.

I tried. I promise.

I really did. [STAMMERING] I...

That's just like you, isn't it?

Overpromise, under-deliver.

- Come on, Po... Come on.
- No.

[IAN SIGHS]

f*ck!

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hey, Poppy.

Where's Ian?

[POPPY] Don't know. Don't care.

Okay.

[POPPY] Get back to work. We've
wasted enough time already.

It's so quiet in here.

[TYPING]