02x07 - The Cook, the Thief, Her Ghost and His Lover

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Emily in Paris". Aired: October 2, 2020 - present.*
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Chicago marketing executive Emily is hired to provide an American perspective at a marketing firm in Paris.
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02x07 - The Cook, the Thief, Her Ghost and His Lover

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[panting]

Okay, so you take 35,
multiply by 1.8 and add 30?

Thirty-two.

Can you please change your phone
back to Fahrenheit?

I want to learn.

Oh, my God, it's 95 out there.

[sighs] It feels like 195 in here.

Uh, so you're going to add more heat?
Why don't you open the oven and cook us?

Relax, it's on the cool setting.

Ah.

[Mindy laughs]




I will never take air conditioning
for granted again.

I've got to buy a fan.

The least we can do is push this stank
from one side of the room to the other.

[groans in disgust]

I'm going to go to the office early
because maybe it'll be cooler in there.

Blow for the road?

[kissing]

Ooh, new menu already?

It's a new menu every day.

Every day? That is so much work.

It has to reflect
the quality of what's in season.

We're not a diner, Emily.

I know.

Ooh, we should post this to
Chez Lavaux's Instagram account each day.




Fresh produce, fresh content.

Ah. I've taught you so much.

[camera shutter clicks]

Wait. Where are those
delicious grilled ramps?

Wilted.

But I just posted
about that plate this morning!

#rampedupforweek2.

What can I say, Emily?

You don't expect me to serve something
past its expiration date, do you?

Of course not.
That would be so last-season of you.

Have a good day.

[sighs]

[panting]

It's like a sauna in here.

Can we turn up
the air conditioning or... on?

We don't have air conditioning.

We don't?

It's not common in Paris.

It's so unnatural, artificial...

[inhales sharply] American.

- It's better than sweating at your desk.
- No, it's bad for you.

It makes you catch colds.
We're meant to feel the seasons change.

Can't you accept nature, Emily?

Must you control everything?

Mosquito.

[in French] Now I'm at six months,

I'm meant to sleep on my side,
but I can't sleep at all.

[in English] But at least being awake
means I get to talk to you.

[in French] Lucky me.

[in English] But we can
speak English if it's easier.

[Madeline] Oh, no.

[in French] I like practicing with you.

I studied the French for years.

It has always been my dream
to work in Paris.

[in English] If it wasn't for
this damn baby, I'd be there. [laughs]

Is that Mad Mad Madeline?

[Madeline] Oh my God,
Emily Cooper in the house!

- Show me that girl!
- [Emily] Ah!

Bonjour, Windy City.

Well, unless there is anything else...

Oh, no, no, no.
I've got the really, really big news.

We are promoting
Pelotech's international roll-out.

- And guess what their next stop is?
- [gasps]

- France?
- [Madeline in French] That's right!

[in English] And they're très thrilled
to hear about our French office.

I love saying that.

Oh, my God! I cannot believe
that we're launching Pelotech in Paris!

Tell me everything.

[Madeline] So I'll start at the beginning
because it's so juicy...

[Emily sighs]

[cell phone vibrating]

[laughs]

Le Chef Hot?

Excuse me?

That's your chef smile.

No it's not.

Next to no tips today.

At least we scored free falafel
from that food truck.

No, it wasn't us.

Extreme weather
always means smaller crowds.

I sang "All By Myself"
to literally myself.

That's not true. I was listening.

[playing guitar]

What is that song?

Something I'm working on. It's nothing.

That's beautiful.

- I didn't know you composed music.
- Yeah, I do.

Or used to. [chuckles]

I even went to music school,
but I didn't finish.

My favorite teacher told me
to stop trying to write songs.

[tuts]

It kind of crushed my confidence.

So I dropped out.

Then, all of a sudden,
just recently, I started writing again.

What happened?

[chuckles]

You happened.

Yeah, since you joined the band,

I've been feeling very inspired.

Oh...

- Should I not have?
- No.

I mean, yes. No, I wanted you to kiss me.

But I have falafel breath.

[laughs]

I don't care. I do too.
We cancel each other out.

Okay, great.

[giggles]

[Alfie] Hold up!

[exhales] There you go.

Ooh! Coffee, good idea.

- It's a traveler, Cooper.
- Mmm-hmm!

- Oh, that's beer!
- [both laugh]

- What did you call it?
- A traveler.

To drink whilst you're traveling
to the next bar.

Or French class.

You know, one thing I'll give ol' Paris,

open container laws mean
you can get on the lash whenever you want.

I don't think that's true.

Well, I haven't been nicked yet.

Maybe tonight's the night.

Fancy getting banged up abroad, Cooper?

You know, the more you drink,
the more British you sound. [laughs]

Are you sure

- we're not too drunk for French class?
- Mmm.

Should we skip it?

Can't. Need to get
my little attendance slip signed for work.

Don't worry, love. We'll be hunky-dory.

Hunky-dory?

Oh, now you're just taking the piss.

- [laughs]
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm a fast learner.

[laughs]

- [blows raspberry]
- [both laughing]

I hope you both find your grades as funny.

Alfie, can you join me
at the board, please.

So, one common mistake in the test

was people using "je suppose"
instead of "j'imagine."

They're very similar,
but "j'imagine" is more abstract.

Alfie, can you write on the board, please,
"J'imagine que je suis en vacances."

[students snickering]

[hesitating] What was the rest?

[in French] No, not Jean Magine.

J'imagine.

- [in English] That's what I wrote.
- No.

Who the hell's Jean Magine, anyway?

[in French] In French, please.

Qui est Jean Magine?

[students laughing]

[in French] I imagine
Alfie's doing his best.

He doesn't have much opportunity
to speak with many French people.

[in English] Now that
was bloody brilliant!

[laughs]

What did she say?

- [Alfie exhales]
- [Emily blows raspberry]

[Alfie groans]

[Jacqueline] Emily.

Well done. Tonight for the first time,

you fully immersed yourself
in the language.

You didn't overthink it.

Merci. I don't know, really,
what came over me,

but maybe it's the heatwave.

Yeah, or whatever's in that cup.

Alfie, I wish I could say the same to you.

All good. Not bothered.

I didn't think so. Hmm.

Bonne nuit.

[sighs] She is so into me.

[laughing]

[blowing]

[chuckles] Yeah.
That fan did absolutely nothing.

I can't wait to get home.

Get out of this suit
and just stand in front of my AC.

Ugh, I wish I had AC.
My building is so ancient.

[laughs]

Well, you could come back to mine.

If you'd like.

I mean, if you need to cool down.

Fine.

But just like, you know,
for the air conditioning.

Mmm!

Where do you live?

Mmm.

I didn't know
people actually lived in La Défense.

I thought it was just business offices,
board rooms and...

Banks.

I work in that one right there.

So my company put me up here, nearby.

No wonder you don't like Paris.

You're not in it. This is Pittsburgh!

[laughing] Pittsburgh.

Hmm.

Who are these cuties?

They came with the frame.

- [mockingly] Ha-ha.
- I'm not joking.

[laughs]

I mean, you could
do with a little color in here.

Or life.

Yeah. About that.

I've been meaning to tell you something.

See, I'm not a banker.

I'm a spy.

I knew there was something strange
about your job.

- I mean, is Alfie even your real name?
- Mmm-mmm.

Hmm.

Can I trust you?

I'm very discreet.

- And you promise not to laugh?
- Promise.

It's...

- Judi Dench.
- [laughs]

- Hey, you promised.
- I'm sorry.

Okay, truly. I won't tell a soul.

- All right.
- Judi.

[sighs]

Well, I wish I was a spy.

But I'm not.

I'm just a boring banker,

with a boring job, in a boring apartment.

Stuck in a city
where no one can understand a word I say.

Then why did you come here?

Not my choice.

I mean, someone
from the London office had to.

Everyone else is partnered up,
married, kids.

But marketing...

now that's a cool job.

It can be.

But it's not all parties on love boats.

Oh, sure.

What were you doing last week

when you were too busy
to have a drink with me?

Uh...

We were busy promoting the opening
of a restaurant near my apartment.

- Which one?
- Chez Lavaux.

See?

A restaurant opening.

That's cool.

I mean, your life in Paris is
far more interesting than mine.

I still can't tell
if you're joking or not.

See, I don't joke about everything.

I get serious about things I like.

Oh, really?

[Alfie] Mmm.

Like what?

Like...

you.

In the back.

No, no.

Okay.

- Just rip it.
- What? Okay.

[sighs]

[groans]

Are you pulling a Houdini?

If that means sneaking out, yes.

But, I need to borrow a getaway shirt.

Take whatever.

Last night was fun, Cooper.

[chuckles]

It was.

You're not leaving without a kiss goodbye?

[laughs]

Goodbye.

Mmm-mmm.

See you soon.

Wow.

You do know some French.

Emily.

Good morning.

Or is it still night for you?

Uh, where are you off to, early bird?

Marché Bastille,
you have to be there at 7:00

- for the best produce.
- Hmm.

Where are you coming from,
wearing a man's jacket?

Huh?

This, no! This is mine.

The oversized power suit look
is very in right now.

Oh.

Enjoy the market!

[Pete] That's what we really like
to go for here at Pelotech.

From what our research tells us,

exercise is more like a pastime in France.

Not a lifestyle.

We at Pelotech
intend to shift that mentality.

One pedal stroke at a time.
And we'll do it with this.

A heart-pumping cardio experience

that connects riders
to a world-wide fitness community.

You can ride at the same time
as your friends.

Post your stats to social,
share high fives,

even video chat
while you get your sweat on.

[in French] I'd prefer
to ride a bike into the Seine.

Why would anyone want this
when you can ride outside?

Huh? You don't go anywhere.

[Pete in English] Sorry, but I don't
understand a word of French.

Wish my Spanish worked over here.

Can you please repeat what you said.
All I caught was "La Seine."

Huh? Excusez-moi, I no speak English.

Lucky we have our Chicago transplant here.
Emily, mind being my interpreter?

Yeah. Sure.

Sylvie said...

for Pelotech's launch,

we should stage bikes
along the Seine for people to try.

[snaps fingers] Love that idea, Silvia.

[automated voice] Hey!
Ready to ride Pelotech?

[in French] I guess
we work for America now.

[Pete] The French market
is so important to us.

Once the user logs in,

they can join a live ride
taking place at our New York studio

or access our massive database
of prerecorded classes.

They can track their progress...

So, did you get a fan for your apartment?

No, still hunting.

Every store I try is sold out.
Oh, my God, thank you.

What shall we play first?
I was thinking Sia's "Chandelier."

Oh, I love that song.
Do you know it, Mindy?

Yeah. Do you know it, Mindy?

I feel like I've heard you
sing it somewhere before.

No, no, I don't think so.

It could have been someone else.
Maybe I should just zip it.

I'm sure I could
stumble my way through it.

Great. I'll set up the mics.

Okay, what do you know?

Just that you are famous
and, like, rich, rich.

Okay.

I didn't see you on Chinese Pop Star,

but when I sent a picture of our band
to my cousin in Shanghai,

she d*ed.

[laughing] Okay, great, yeah. Okay.

Étienne, can we please
maybe just keep this between us?

I'm trying to reinvent myself
here in Paris.

Why don't you want to tell Benoît?

Well, we're new and history has proven
that when people find out I'm...

The zipper princess of China?

Right. That.

Sometimes things get weird.

[line ringing]

[Alfie] Hey, it's Alfie.
Who leaves voicemails anymore? Beep.

- Hey, Alfie. I...
- Gotcha!

That was just me beeping.

Here's the real one.

You got me! That is so you!

Um, hey, it's... It's me, Emily.
Emily Cooper from French class.

Yeah. You knew all that already.

Anyway. Um, wow,
that beep trick really threw me.

- Um, I was calling about your jacket and...
- [line beeps]

[automated voice] If you're
satisfied with your message, press 1.

To re-record, press three.

Three. Definitely three.

Ooh. That sounded desperate.

It was. I met someone and we...

Please spare me the details.

Happily.

The point is since then,
he's stopped responding to my texts.

That's bad, right?

Well, if it's been more than 24 hours,
then he's not into you.

Or, you should file
a missing person's report.

[sighs]

The great outdoors.

See, Emily? This is how we ride in Paris.

[in French] Watch where
you're going, lunatic!

You watch where you're going, assh*le!

Shut up!

[groans] Oh, thank you.

[Emily sighs]

Ah!

Okay, well, it's official.
Alfie is a jerk.

Are you sure he's ghosted you?
I mean, it hasn't been that long.

Girl, I have texted him so many times.

How many?

Oh, girl.

[laughing] Oh, girl.

So many texts in a row.

You like him, huh?

Well, I thought I did.
But now I definitely do not.

Ugh, I can't believe
I have to see him again in French class.

Unless he ghosts you there too.

I mean, that's what ghosts do.
They totally disappear on you.

- I feel so much better now.
- Mmm.

You know, your pep talks
could do with a little more pep.

Mmm.

[Madeline] Isn't Pete great?

He's so taut. Like a whippet.

Okay, so if you have a look at the budget
and calendar I sent over,

I think you'll see
that we can launch in the fall.

Pardon. Automne. [laughs]

I hope you don't mind me
starting on these documents,

I wanted you to hit the ground running.

Or should I say, "riding"?

[laughs]

So what do you think of this idea:

[in French] Participate
in the Tour de France,

from the comfort of your home.

I think that we should leave the creative
to the people actually in Paris.

The French are susceptible to having
their culture interpreted by foreigners

and shoved down their throats.

I totally agree.

Sylvie, this is why we're going to work
so well together. We get each other.

Okay, let's schedule
a weekly progress call.

[Sylvie] I'm looking at this calendar,

and I don't see
how we can make Pelotech work.

If it's an issue of scheduling
and resources, we can fix that.

This is an important luxury brand for us.

Just because it's expensive,
it doesn't mean it's luxury.

You know?

I'm sorry, but it's
just not a fit for my office.

Your office?

Let's table this for now.

And in the meantime,

I will send you the Gilbert Group's
hierarchy of objectives.

Please don't.

[sighs]

Uh, where's the bike gone?

Did it just wheel itself out of here?

- [grunts]
- Sylvie told us to get rid of it.

- Luc!
- What's going on?

[cell phone vibrates]

Oh.

Come on.

Okay. Okay!

[Alfie] That's rubbish, mate!
It's offside.

You Brits always call offside.

- Cooper.
- Em.

Bonjour.

Hi.

Thanks for texting me.

Of course.

[in French] Chef. Can I talk to you?

[in English] Excuse me.

[Alfie] Hi.

You don't text me back, answer my calls,
and then you just show up here!

[chuckles] What?

I lost my phone.
I had no way of contacting you.

I couldn't remember where you worked,

but I remembered
you did an event at this place.

Get in there!

- That's one apiece, guv.
- No.

[laughs] Woo-hoo!

- There's plenty of time to go.
- [laughs]

So can I have it back?

- Have what back?
- My phone.

I'm pretty sure it's in
that suit jacket of mine you stole.

Oh.

That jacket.

Right. Uh, you just stay here
and watch the game, and I'll go get it.

Cheers.

[Alfie] Come on, boys. Come on.

Oh, you got a fan.

I have many fans. This one was a gift.

Hmm. He is so into you.

And he's kind of broke,

so he probably dumpster-dived for it,
which makes me like him even more.

It turns out
Alfie is not a ghost after all.

He didn't answer his phone
because I had it.

It was in his jacket that I borrowed.

So really, you're the ghost.

Yeah.

I've got to run
because he's at Gabriel's restaurant.

- Where they are watching soccer, together.
- Oh, crap!

- How did that happen?
- I'll explain later.

Hey!

I'm sorry about all this.

So when you said we couldn't be together,

it wasn't because
you had an expiration date.

You were seeing someone.

He is the reason.

Yeah, I guess. He's the reason.

Well, it's good to know the truth.

Even if it's hard to watch.

What does that mean?

I want you to be happy, Emily.
I just don't want to have to see it.

Sitting on the sidelines,
watching you fall for someone.

I didn't intend for you to see anything.

This was an accident.

Yeah, but you like him.

I can tell.

[Alfie] Whoa, hey!

Hey, France lost!

- [Emily] Huh?
- [Alfie laughs]

- Oh!
- Oh, um...

- The game.
- Yeah.

- Here.
- [Alfie] Oh. Cheers, love.

So, uh, you fancy grabbing a bevvy?

If that's a drink, then, please.

Thanks for tracking her down.

No problem. She's all yours, mate.

[Alfie] Catch you later, yeah?

He's all right. I mean, for a frog.

[laughs]

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

My phone's not here.

Okay, so,

before I give this back to you,
I have to delete some messages I sent you.

- All right, how many?
- Too many.

[laughs]

Oh, Cooper. Do you like me?

[automated voice in French] Hello.
Ready to ride with Pelotech?

[closing theme music playing]
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