06x17 - Any Man of Mine

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.
Watch According to Jim [HD] on Amazon Prime Video Here

A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
Post Reply

06x17 - Any Man of Mine

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh! Boob or bottle?


Oh, thank god.

So how you doing?

I'm exhausted,
my back hurts,

And my life has been reduced
to milk and poo-poo.

What was it before, white wine
and poo-poo? Stop complainin'.

You know, I'm tired of hearing
about how I'm no fun anymore.

Well, you're not
any fun anymore.

Remember when we used to
kinda go at it all the time?

What happened to your spark?
Well, I guess it's gone.

Yeah. Can you hold
the baby for a second?

No, I'm getting some snacks here. Hold on
one second. I need you to hold the baby now!

Ooh! Ooh!

What's going on down here?

Oh, jim's just helping me
get my spark back.

he needs to be changed.


Well, what do you expect?
She scared me to death.


Oh! Look at the way
his little mouth opens

When he breathes.

I want to go to bed.

(Scoffs) you'd rather
go to bed early

Than watch
this tiny miracle?

Unless there's some
paint we can watch dry. Oh.

Another night
I'll never get back.

Well, your mommy will never
get tired of looking at you.


Ugh. Whatever.

You ruined
a lovely evening.

No. No. I think the evening
was ruined when you thought,

"I know. I'll take jim
to a musical..."


"Where cats are singing."

You didn't even
give it a chance.

What are you talking about?
You booed during the first song.

I had
a little logic problem.

Cats were singin'!

It's a musical!

You're a musical.

That doesn't even
make any sense.

Would it make more sense to you
if a cat sung it?

You know what? 800 People
gave it a standing ovation.

They were applauding
because it was over,

And they were standing because
they were excited to leave!

So jim didn't like "cats."

Who could've possibly
seen that coming?

You know what?
This is all your fault.

If you hadn't
gotten pregnant,

We'd be in the bar
at the drake hotel right now

Talking about
what a fabulous show it was

And getting hit on by japanese
business men. My fault? That's crazy.

You know what, dana?
This is all your fault. Huh.

If you didn't get pregnant,
I'd be at stevie b's right now

Talking with andy
about how great the game is

And flirting with
the japanese waitresses.

All right.
You know what?

You two can find
another babysitter

For the next six musicals.

Six musicals?

Six more musicals?

It's a series!

You know, we saved $10
by buying the whole package.

Oh! (Laughs)

Cheryl, okay,
I'll tell you what.

I will go to one more
musical with you. Oh!

I want to go
to the one that's entitled

♪ No frickin' way ♪

No way am I going
to six more musicals!

Cheryl, just because dana's
got a little baby,

Doesn't mean you can turn me
into your girlfriend.

I don't want to make you
into my girlfriend.

Yes, you do.

You take me to musicals,
and then at halftime

You want to gossip
about all the people around.


Intermission, halftime...
It doesn't matter.

Then you want to talk about it
again on the way home.

"Oh, god, did you see her?

Ooh with her hair.
Ooh, that hat." Come on.

That's not me, honey.
That's not me.

Is it so crazy that
I want to go to a gallery

Or a musical or go shopping?

No, it's just crazy
that you think

I'd want to do that with you,

Fine. I'll just stay here
with you in your cave

Until dana's kids grow up.

You know what you need?
You need a gay friend.

Oh. Come on.

No, that's what you need.

Seriously, a gay friend
would be perfect for you.

You guys could chat on the phone
about movies and book reviews,

And then you guys
could watch that show...

"Grey's anatomy."

"Grey's anatomy."
You could watch it together.

That would be really great.

Don't you think?

Oh, but where am I
gonna meet a gay guy?

Hmm. At a musical?

You know what?

We should have had
this conversation at halftime.


Come on.

What do you think?

I could get you a gay guy.
Oh, no, you can't.

I can find you a gay guy.
They're all over the place.

Oh, come on. What gay guy's
gonna want to hang out

With a boring
suburban housewife?

You know who
thinks like that?

People who don't believe
that cats can sing.

♪ No frickin' way ♪

♪ No frickin' way ♪

♪ I'll find you a gay ♪

You'll be so happy, that
I'll be dancing like a cat.

Meow! Meow!

♪ Meow ♪

All right, I'm just
gonna type in here,

"Gay"... And "friend."

Actually, you may not like
what you...


Man, those guys
are more than friends.

Whoo-hoo! Look at you two
on a friday morning.

Hi, kurt. How are ya?


Uh, you bring by those,
uh, tile samples?

Yes, I did,
but I don't think

They can compete with what you
were just looking at. Totally his idea.

Yeah, I'm just trying to find
a way to help my marriage.


You know what? Just call me
with your tile choices.

I think the italian mosaic

Is fantastico.

Hey, kurt's an interior designer.
(Gasps) I see where you're going.

He's in a creative business.
He might know a gay.


Kurt, maybe you can
help me out.

Um, I'm looking for a guy
to do things with my wife

That I don't want to do.

Whoa. You can put
an ad on craigslist

Like everybody else,

Besides, I'm gay, too.

"Too"? Oh, you thought...

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Yeah, no.

Oh, that does
make more sense.

I mean, I've never gotten
a gay vibe from jim before.

You know what?
Do you like musicals?

'Cause maybe
you can help me out.

My wife wants me
to go to musicals,

And I just don't want to go
to 'em. Oh, I adore musicals.

Your wife actually thought a man
like you would enjoy them?

(Scoffs) yeah. Women. Pfft.
What are you gonna do with them?

Uh, not much. (Laughs)

(Both laughing)

Pretty good.

Come on, cheryl!
Hurry up.

Gay guys
are always on time.

Come on. Come on...

All right, all right,
all right.

What do you think
of outfit number eight?


But can you do something
with the hair?


it's just so "melrose place."


(Doorbell rings) he's here.
He's here. He's here.

Okay, just calm down.
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Be cool!

Cool, cool, cool... Cool.


You have any trouble
finding the place?

No. The rainbow flag

And the pink balloons
on your mailbox really helped.

you are welcome here, sir.

Please, come in.

You must be cheryl.

Hi, kurt.
It is so nice to meet you.


I have to say, based on jim,

I was expecting someone
a little... Sturdier.

Look at you!
You're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

I picked out the outfit.

I'm assuming
that you haven't been

To a restaurant without a cowboy
in the logo in some time.

So what do you say to... I say yes. I say,
yes, yes, yes. Wherever it is, take me there!

Oh, oh,
and after the theater,

Can we please go for cupcakes
and lattes at... Sprinkles candy store!

(Both squealing)

(High-pitched voice)

We are gonna
have fun tonight.

Oh, I know. Wait. How
is it that a girl like you

Doesn't already have a gay
friend? Oh, well, you know,

I've got three kids,
and I volunteer a lot.

I figured once the kids were
older, I'd pursue it. (Laughs)

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You didn't get that joke,
did you?

Nope! And tonight,
I don't have to.

All right.
Have a good time.

Hey, kurt. You bring her home
after midnight,

You can keep
the pink balloons!

Okay, on the 15th,
kurt and I are going

To an art opening
at the jackson gallery.

Perfect, and andy and I
will stay home

And watch
"the blues brothers."

Okay, and on the 18th,

We're going to the arboretum
for the festival of posies.

Hmm. That's perfect.
Andy and I will stay home

And watch the festival
of ladies' volleyball.

Great. I'm gonna call kurt
and lock in those plans.

(Singsong voice)
be sure to say hi!

Wow, man.

You've got it made since
cheryl hooked up with kurt.

Yeah, you know what? I should
have got her a boyfriend

The day we got married.

no! Damn it! Why?!

What? What?

The dream is d*ad.
The dream is d*ad.

What happened?

Oh, kurt just texted me.
He's canceling all our plans.

No! Damn it! Why?!

He's too depressed
to go anywhere.

His boyfriend
just broke up with him.

Boyfriend? Pretty gay.

Well, I'm sorry, jim.

It looks like it's you and me
back at the musicals.

No, no, no.
Yes. Yeah.

I fixed this problem.
I don't wanna go back.

Where is kurt right now?

Drowning his sorrows
at stefan b's.

Well, maybe you don't want
to fight for your man,

But I will!

Andy, come on.
We're going to a gay bar.

Okay. L-let me put on
my special tight pants.

I don't like paying
for my own drinks.

Oh, come on.

(Slow jazz music playing)

Excuse me.


Oh, wow. Look at
these fancy menus, huh?

Stefan b's tapas café.

Oh, I love tapas.
The gays have everything.


They have 11 different kinds
of martinis.


Hey, look at this.

One's called
pants expl*si*n.

Why don't you ask the bartender
how he makes a pants expl*si*n?

Excuse me, sir?

I was wondering, uh...
Hey, that's not on the menu.


Hey. There's kurt right there.
Kurt! Kurt.

What are you guys
doing here?

Aw, cheryl told us
you were here.

She said you got dumped.

And you know what?

Maybe something
will make you less miserable,

Like two tickets
to "less miserables."

I'm too depressed
to go to a musical.

Too depressed
to go to a musical?

And you call yourself gay?
Hey. What are these?

Oh, wasabi soy nuts.
They're highly addictive.

Oh, my god, jim,
they're delicious. Yeah.

That's it. I'm signing up.
Hey, guys. Guys, I'm in.

Listen, man, why... You can't
just give up like this.

You gotta figure
something out.

Hey, why don't we find
another guy for you?

All right.
Why don't we try that?

Maybe it'll make
the other guy jealous,

And he'll come running back.
Jim, please.

I know everybody
here, and so does my ex.

Well, how about andy?
He's cute and cuddly,

And he's kinda curious
about your world.

Jim, how do I
say this tactfully?

I want darryl
to be jealous,

Not... Amused.

I wanna say,
"look how well I'm doing,"

Not "look what
you've reduced me to."

I wanna say "success"...
Yeah, yeah, we get it.

I didn't come to a gay bar
to get rejected.

I can get that at any bar.

Excuse me.
The gentleman at the bar

Would like to offer you
an undersea adventure.

Oh, please tell me
that's a drink.





You know,
there is one kind of guy

That would make darryl
crazy with jealousy.

Policeman? Cowboy?
Indian chief?

Actually, it would be
construction worker.

(Cheryl laughing)

Stop laughing, cheryl.
What is so damn funny?

Okay, okay, okay.
Let me get this straight.

To get out
of going to a musical,

You got yourself
a boyfriend?

No, I didn't,
and I'm not doing it.

Oh, come on. Why not?
It's... It's just a date.

It's a night out
with a friend.

Where I'm gay?


Not actually gay...
Pretending to be gay.

Hey, just don't let him
get past second base.

Cheryl, I don't think
the gays have second base.

Once you pick up the bat,
it's a home run.

Look, this can get kurt
back in our lives.

Is it really that bad?

Cheryl, yes, it is.

I mean,
you may not know this,

But I am one hot piece
of man candy. (Laughs)

I am, and if I go there,
they're gonna all hit on me.

One guy already did hit on me,
and he was married.

It made me feel
like a piece of meat!

You like getting hit on.

By women, not men.

With men, it's one thing...
Wham, bam, thank you, sam.

Okay. Wha...

What if I came along
to protect you?

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I can show
you ways to sort of deal with men.

Like how? Well,
like the slip 'n' slide.

I think that's what
they want to do with me.

No, jim. It's a way to get away
from a creep in a bar.

Slip into the crowd
and slide away.

Slip into the crowd
and slide away.

And then,
if they go to kiss you...

Chicken neck.

Wait. You were just
describing the night we met.

Slip and slide.

(Jazz music playing)

I don't know, cheryl.

Are we sure he can pull
this off? Well, I think so.

I told him to have
a couple drinks and relax.

That's what we tell
all the first-timers.


Hey, girlfriend!

I am so sorry
I am late.

I mean,
it took me forever

To find a parking meter
with time still on it. Oh.

What's the matter?
I can't be gay and cheap, too?

Talk to your own date.
She's mine.

Oh, right, right, right,
right. Oh, I see darryl.

Oh, oh, okay. Remember,
you met at yoga class.

You have
an all-gay construction company.

And you're thinking of
adopting a refugee baby. Yeah.

Okay. Got it. Uh,
does the baby know I'm gay?

Well, hello, stranger.
Oh, darryl. Oh, my god!

I didn't even know
you'd be here.

And who's this
charming bear of a man?

Where are my manners?

this is my friend jim.


And these are my two friends
cheryl and dana.

They're both
wickedly awesome lesbians.

Darryl, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.


Well... (Clears throat)
see you around.

Well, that was a
disaster. (Cheryl) oh, okay.

Well, don't blame me.
I bent over backwards.

Maybe that was
the wrong direction.

You know, there's just
no heat between us, jim,

No za-za-zoo.

Look, I can do gay.
I can't do "za-za-zoo."

(Man) all right, boys.
It's 10:00!

And you know what that means.

"Sportscenter" is on?

Stefan b's
becomes club man-demonium!


(Techno music playing)
what the hell?

This is perfect.
They're playing our song.

Darryl will go crazy.

What... What? Cheryl...

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, you get up
a little higher there.



Hey! Hey! Whoa!

Chicken neck,
chicken neck, chicken neck.

Fantastic. Here
comes darryl. Oh, god!

Excuse me. Do you mind
if... If I cut in?

No, please do.

Ho! Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Whatever he did to get you,
I'll do it better.

Uh... Slip 'n slide.

Slip 'n slide. Oh!

Slip 'n slide. Oh!

(Jim shouts)


All right, kurt. That's enough.
Tell me what's going on.

Uh, what do you mean? Oh, please. I
have the best "straight-dar" in town.

He's not gay.
She's not gay.

Her maybe.

Yes! I nailed it!

Well, if we're done here,
I got breast milk to pump.

I'm so embarrassed.

I brought jim here
to make you jealous.

I'd do anything
to get you back.

I miss you, too.

Oh, come on.
Can't you guys work it out?

Not until kurt
learns to compromise.

Oh, don't bring up
the stupid fight.

I have season tickets
to the cubs,

And he won't go
to a single game.

You know...

It takes two
to compromise, darryl.


Listen, darryl, uh,

How good
are those seats?

Well, they're right behind
the cubs' dugout.


You know, let me
tell you something, darryl.

You know what you need?

You need a straight friend.

Yeah. Why don't we go
to the cubs games

And let kurt and cheryl
go to the musicals?

That is a great idea.

Not great.

(Singsong voice)

Well, I guess
we could try that.


Maybe it is asking too much
of you to like baseball.

Oh. Mmm.

Can you hear them,

I just helped two gay men

You know, whatever it is
they have with each other.

Yes, you did.

I think
that deserves a kiss.


Chicken neck.


Come on, za-za-zoo.


Completely gay.

And mother won't let me
have my trust fund

Until the right girl
can turn me back.

Does she have
to be born a woman?

What mama don't know
won't hurt her.

Post Reply