03x09 - The Year of Phil

[bunniefuu]

[JOE GRUNTS]

It's tight. [CHUCKLES]

Guess this is what my acting
coach meant when she said,

"You need to reveal yourself more."

[LAUGHS] That's a good
one, Mr. Manganiello.

It's Joe.

Joe, right. Sorry.

Uh, so we, uh...

We're just gonna capture a little
test footage for the studio.

Uh, we'll get started
in just a minute here.

Um, but again, very excited to be
working with you on the film, sir.

Masked Man. It's a dream role.

Oh, well, uh, that means a lot

coming from the mouth of
Alcide Herveaux himself.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Who?
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

It's his character from True Blood.

I... It's good to let him know
that I'm a fan of his work.

You know, makes him feel comfortable.

Who cares how he feels? He's a worker.

No, no, no, Jo. The, uh... The
culture of Hollywood is very different.

These celebrities, they get coddled.

And we need him, so
we're gonna coddle away.

Okay, so, uh, we're just flying
in a-a head rig for you here.

Just to capture that
beautiful Manganiello mug.

No, no. Won't be necessary.

- And it's Joe.
- Joe, right.

Because...

I'm going to be wearing this.

Helps me get into character.
Had it custom made.

Guess this is what my
facialist meant when she said,

"A good mask is gonna cost you."

[LAUGHS] Indeed.

Uh, but this is just for
the moments of the film

where you take the mask off.

[GRUNTS] Yeah, I'm not gonna be
taking it off for the entire movie.

Makes sense.

Sorry, why's that?

Wouldn't be in keeping
with the canon of the story.

Think about it. Masked
Man taking off his mask.

It's like giving your D&D party

the dragon's full hit point
total and list of lair actions

- right out of the gate.
- You got that right.

- What is he talking about?
- I have no idea.

Oh, you look upset.

I am very upset, Jo.

- You do not look upset. You better smile.
- [EXCLAIMS]

Okay. So, this guy's gonna
hide his face the whole movie?

The studio's gonna freak
out. I'm gonna freak out.

- The fans are gonna freak out.
- David.

You're management. Be forceful
and tell the worker to comply.

Smile!

That's not the culture, okay? I
don't know what the culture is.

That culture you're describing
is the last days of the USSR.

It's fine. It's fine.

You know, we'll, uh... we'll
get through this, right?

- Do not panic.
- David! Gonna need a water.

Water flying in.

- Get him a f*cking water!
- Oh, oh.

Deceptively simple, but
with endless possibilities.

Playpen asks the question,
"Why play someone else's game

- when you can build your own?"
- When you can build your own.

- N... nailed it.
- Wow.

Are you really gonna clap every time?

Yeah, you don't have to clap every time.

You know, I... I want
your honest feedback.

- We're sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry.

It's a great pitch.

I think it's gonna go even
better without Ian in the room

gumming up the works
with his, you know, his...

Effortless confidence
and natural charisma?

I have those things
too. I-I'm confident.

Mmm. You should tell that to your hives.

sh*t! Okay.

- Well, I'll... I can wear a turtleneck or...
- You can hide the hives,

but you cannot hide
that lack of confidence.

I am confident. About programming.

This is just... It's a new gear for me.

Everything is riding on this.

- I can't screw it up, and if I...
- Oh, my God, they're spreading.

- [SIGHS]
- Okay, Poppy. Poppy.

Poppy! Relax.

Listen, the pitch doesn't matter.

Oh, my God. You sound just like Ian.

Of course it matters!

I have to convince this guy
to buy my game for $ million!

He's not buying your
game. He's buying you.

You have to convince
him to invest in Poppy.

And he's not gonna do that unless
you march in there with confidence

like the money's already yours
and the pitch doesn't matter.

- That is being confident.
- That is being untethered from reality.

What's the difference?

Wow, it's actually spooky.

[CAROL] Now, all my
new hires are my babies.

And I love my new babies.

I can't wait to get to know
each and every one of you.

But first, I wanna introduce you

to some of my greatest success stories.

This is Rachel.

A gay woman of color.

A college dropout.

- Halfway to a wasted life.
- Uh...

Maybe a few days away
from picking up a needle.

- No. No, no, no, no, no. I don't do that.
- And then Carol steps in, extends a hand,

and this gay orphan rises in the
ranks to become Head of Monetization.

And then there's Brad.

A Polish-Indian ex-con who
started as a janitor... [CHUCKLES]

... and then went on
to work in monetization.

He'd be dead in a ditch
if it wasn't for Carol.

Actually, I started in monetization,
and then I went to jail.

And I'm not a college dropout.

Uh, I just stopped paying
tuition, and then they...

- [CLICKS TONGUE] ... kicked me out.
- [CAROL] Look at 'em now.

Both empowered enough

to feel like they can interrupt
me when I'm doing a thing.

- Sorry, Carol.
- Sorry, Carol.

Carol loves to see it.
[CHUCKLES] And this Phil.

- Hi.
- He the art director.

Brought in before my
new hiring policies.

You know, old-school
MQ. [CHUCKLES]

But seriously, we don't have a
lot of Phils around here nowadays.

My name is Phil.

Okay. You know what then?

We're gonna call you Young Phil.

And Art Phil, you be Old Phil.

- I don't think that's necessary.
- Come on now, don't be cranky, Old Phil.

[LAUGHS]

But on a serious note, really.

Phil here, he doesn't reflect

the younger, more
diverse hiring practices

that I've put in place since
I've taken over leadership.

Bingo.

Carol just admitted

this company discriminates
against hiring people like me.

People like you?

Yeah, I'm over the age of ,
which is a protected category.

What you've just done is called ageism.

Is that a thing?

[CHUCKLES] You bet your
uneducated ass it is.

- Jesus, Phil.
- Okay, calm down. Calm down.

Now, Phil, you know me.

It's Carol.

You know I would never
discriminate based on age.

Oh, yeah? Show of hands. Who
here is over the age of ?

Plenty of people over the age of
work in this office. [CHUCKLES]

They're just not in this room.

- [PHIL] Mm-hmm?
- [WHISPERS] Where is David?

[LAUGHING] I rest my case.

[LAUGHING, WHEEZING]

[WHISPERING] Is he laughing or coughing?

- Both, I think.
- Okay.

I've been waiting for
this day for so long.

Just biding my time, enduring
all the quiet indignities.

The long nights, the constant
demand to come in on a holiday

to just whip up a magical
forest or winter wonderland.

But it was all worth it because
I finally caught you in the act.

And all of you.

You're all my witnesses.

I shall leverage your
generation's desire

for performative
accountability and transparency

to my advantage.

This is my golden ticket.

This is the year of Phil!

[GROANING] Ow.

g*dd*mn it!

[GRUNTING, YELLING]

[GROANING]

[THUDS]

[GERMAN ACCENT] Feel the taste
of my blade, White Knight.

[GASPS] I think the Masked Man's German.

- Digging it. Super cool.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]

I am getting so boned.

[IAN] David, I'm here.

- What? What are you doing here?
- [IAN] Jo texted me.

She said you were getting manhandled
by this Hollywood snowflake.

So, I just wanna let you know, man,

that I am literally
willing to fight this guy

if it means saving my movie.

It's my movie.

And I don't want you
fighting the star of it.

- Understand?
- If you are concerned about his size,

- do not be.
- I'm not.

Because I'm just going to drop a level,

take him down, go to full mount and then

- have a very effective ground and pound.
- Do not touch his body or his face,

to be clear, okay?

I need you to leave. Go...
Go back to GrimPop, please.

On a bit of a sabbatical from GrimPop.

Kind of a self-imposed exile.

She kicked you out, huh?

No, she didn't kick me out.

Poppy and I are just going
through a little bit of a thing.

Oh. They kissed.

What? We did not kiss!

They totally kissed.

We didn't kiss! I didn't kiss Poppy!

- There's no kissing!
- [DAVID] Yeah, Jo. Poppy is...

A prude?

- Well, no. No, she's just...
- Diseased?

- No. That's...
- [IAN] Forget it.

I'm just gonna go save my movie. Okay?

Do not go in there. That's
my movie. It's my movie.

[INHALES] What the hell?

Trust me, David. Joe loves
the game. Ian created the game.

If Ian tells Joe to take the
mask off, he'll accept it.

And if he doesn't, huh?

Then Ian's gonna get
his ass handed to him

and Joe's gonna walk off the production.

- Oh.
- Oh. Yeah, oh.

[HUFFS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS]

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, dude. Ian?

Oh, man, I didn't
recognize you at first.

Wow. I... I thought you were
smaller, but I don't know.

Maybe it's like a presence thing.

- What is happening?
- [JOE] I'm a big fan.

Longtime player. [STAMMERS]

Could I get you to sign
the inside of my mask?

That way, if I'm ever
tempted to take it off

during the duration of the film,

I will see your signature and
I'll remember why I'm doing this.

- Yeah, man.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. Totally. I'll totally sign it.
- Awesome. Nice.

- I keep a Sharpie with me, just in case.
- Perfect.

- [JOE] This is huge.
- [IAN] Really?

- [JOE] You have no idea. Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, you know, you're great.

- You're great.
- David, he's great.

David. This guy's great.

Great.

[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.

- That old bitch is not taking Carol down.
- As a legal precaution,

you might wanna start
phasing out the word "old."

And maybe "bitch."

Don't you dare take "bitch" from
me, okay? I'm saying "bitch."

- Okay.
- Now, we can fix this. We can fix this.

I just need to fire a few people
so I can hire some new old b*tches.

Yeah, about that. We did
a quick diversity analysis

of the office to find the
best candidates to let go.

And, as you can see, you did such
a great job diversifying the office

that virtually every employee now
falls under a protected category.

No.

How is that possible?

What about that Lindsay in
accounting? She's young and she white.

- And pregnant.
- And bisexual.

Literally every single person
in accounting is bisexual.

It's always a numbers game with them.

Damn it. [CHUCKLES] I am
a victim of my own success.

In a way, you should be proud.

And in a bigger, more real way,
you should be angry and afraid.

[SIGHS] Carol is screwed.

Phil is gonna sue this company,

and then Montreal is
going to fire my ass

because there are no
other asses to fire.

Well, almost. Despite your best efforts,

there is one department in the
company that remains unprotected.

Yes, bitch.

So being confident is all
about getting out of your head

so you could be in the present moment.

[STAMMERS] Okay, so, um, y-you
want me to shut my brain off?

- I can do that.
- Oh, really?

Uh-huh. It's like clearing a hard drive.

Try to not think of
anything for ten seconds.

All I hear is screaming.

Exactly.

Your mind has become too powerful,
and it's holding you hostage.

In order to get you out of your head...

[SIGHS] ... I'm gonna have to get in it.

When you look in a
mirror, what do you see?

- Nothing.
- Wow.

- I... I don't own a mirror.
- That explains the hair.

- What's wrong with my...
- Okay, don't think, just answer.

- When I wake up in the morning, I feel?
- Dread.

- About?
- Everything I have to do...

- So the future? - And
everything I've ever d-done.

- And the
past. - Mm-hmm.

- This is great.
- How is that great?

Because the future and
the past doesn't exist.

- All that exists is the present moment.
- Oh, come on!

Poppy. I am trying to help you.

Oh, really? 'Cause it sounds
like you're trying to out-Ian Ian.

[SIGHS] Look, I know you think
that we're exactly the same,

but there's a big difference
between me and Ian.

- Mm-hmm.
- He likes you. I don't.

- [SCOFFS]
- And I'm only trying to help you

so you don't blow this
chance at selling our game.

Wait, hold on. Our game?

Since... Since when is this your game?

- Since always.
- I built it.

Yeah, and I saw its potential.

The balls on you.

I worked at Mythic
Quest for eight years.

Not once did I consider it "my game."

Why not?

Well... Uh. S...

[STAMMERS]

- I don't know.
- Mmm.

Okay, change of plan.

I want to get out of
my head and into yours.

Teach... Teach me how to live life

with this insane level of confidence.

I mean, I could try my best.

But we only have hours until
we need to be at our pitch.

Oh, you think you're
coming to the pitch?

Holy sh*t!

cr*ck open that beautiful
skull and let me in.

This is why I don't like you.

- [JOE] Yes.
- [IAN] Oh, yes.

- [JOE] Oh. [GRUNTING]
- [IAN] Yes.

[IAN] This is great. You are...
I mean, you got the moves.

Well, I mean, it's like
looking in the mirror.

- I learned everything from watching you.
- Aw. Thank you for saying that.

I was just thinking, I feel like you
could play me in a movie about me.

You haven't given up the rights
to your life story, have you?

- Absolutely not.
- Dude.

[GASPS] Maybe I could do all the stunts

that you're too chickenshit to do.

- Well, I actually do all my own stunts.
- [SCOFFS] Of course you do.

This guy. David, this guy is the
best. It's like we're twins, huh?

[IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT] Yeah, it's
fantastic. Look at us. This is crazy.

Eh, Julius and... and Vincent.

- Not that Twins.
- [NORMAL] Oh, sorry.

No, I was... I was thinking
that we looked alike.

Spitting image.

- [CHUCKLES] See? Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. All right. Let's practice.

Screw this.

I'm tired of this meathead pushing
me around. This is my movie.

- Your movie.
- I'm the producer.

I don't care how big you think you are

or how much weight
you think you can lift.

Either respect me or
you get the hell out.

- Tell him.
- I will tell him. I'll tell him right now.

- [IAN] All you can do is come down.
- Ian, can you come in here a sec?

I'm kind of in the
middle of something here.

Now.

Oof. Sounds like you're
getting yelled at.

No, this bitch doesn't yell at me.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Joe, need anything? A little
water or some peptides?

- I'm good, Dave.
- Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Oof. We are really vibing
in there. Can you feel that?

He doesn't get a lot
of my references though.

Get out.

Well, no, no.

I'm having a good time out
there. I think I should stay.

It's my movie, and I
need you to get out.

I'm... I'm going through
kind of, like a rough patch,

- and it would be cool if you just allow me to...
- Don't care.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, I'm, uh... I'm
the creator of the game.

- So I should at least have some say...
- [TUTS]

You don't work here. Okay?

You have no authority over the game.

You have no authority over the movie.

You have no authority of anything
to do with Mythic Quest

or anything that is here. So leave.

I... I like to think I have
some spiritual authority.

Great. Tell that to the cops

when they're arresting
you for trespassing.

You wouldn't call the cops on me.

Try me.

That wasn't a flinch.

I was gonna drop a level
and then single leg takedown.

Then I was gonna transition
into a triangle...

and then ground and pound.

[SIGHS]

Fine.

Fine. Forget it. I... I don't need you.

I don't need your stupid movie.

I'll go somewhere where I'm valued.

[DOOR CLOSES]

That was incredible, David.

How come you can't give
the Hollywood pretty boy

both barrels like that?
He needs to fall in line.

For the last time, enough!

Stop interfering with my job.

Let me do it my way, would you please?

All right. Let's get one thing straight.

You work for me, Jo. Do you understand?

You may not always agree with
me, but it doesn't matter.

You just have to trust me.
I can see you're dedicated.

Look, I know that you
wanna do a good job,

but you won't be doing a good
job if you don't listen to me.

So just cut the sh*t
and let me do my job.

It's gonna be better for you.

It's gonna be better for me. It's
gonna be better for the movie, Jo.

Got it?

Got it. [SIGHS]

- Huh?
- I'm sorry.

You're right. I won't wear
the mask the whole time.

You're the boss.

Look, I'm just a really
passionate artist, okay?

Sometimes you need to rein
me in. Just ask my wife.

[CHUCKLES]

Great.

You did that?

- No, you did.
- But you pressed the button though, right?

Yeah, I pressed it,
but you did the talking.

Oh, well, yeah, I guess
you're right. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

- That's your bad shoulder.
- Yeah, it is.

- Yeah, let's do this one. Yeah.
- Always harder on the left.

- This one doesn't have a lot of structure.
- I know.

All right. Let's show this
meathead what we got. Come on.

- Stand behind me. It looks more powerful.
- Yeah. All right.

Okay, Joe, uh, why don't
we start from the beginning?

[KNIGHT GRUNTS]

[NECK CRACKS]

Hi. Will you join my
class action lawsuit?

I'm gonna take down this whole
rotten company from the inside.

I love my job.

- Why?
- [STAMMERS]

- Because I... b...
- Just shut up.

God, I gotta find people that hate
this place just as much as I do.

Bingo.

Hey, guys.

I am suing this company for ageism.

Will you sign my...

- Hi there.
- Hi, hello.

- Who the hell are you?
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, Phil.

Have you met our new
testers, Mikey and Andy?

I hired them just this morning.

- Guys, this is Phil.
- Hi.

Mikey, did you get that
pillow for your back?

Sure did. Thank you so much.

Mikey has a bad back, Phil.

g*dd*mn it.

- Ooh. Ow.
- [PHIL] Ow.

Let that be a lesson to you, boys. Okay?

Nobody messes with Carol.

Absolutely.

- No, we would never.
- Hands off. [CHUCKLES]

- All right. Good to hear it.
- Yeah.

- Glad to have ya.
- Thank you.

- Than... Thank you.
- Thanks. Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] She's a nice woman.

- Oh, she's great.
- Yeah. [SIGHS]

- Who's Carol?
- I don't know.

Is she the woman at the front desk?

That was Mandy.

- Oh.
- No, that wasn't...

- I thought her name was Andrea.
- That's wrong.

Don't worry. We still have
plenty of time to get there.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Yeah, you seem good.

I'm great. Hey, toss me your keys.

Why?

I wanna drive.

- [INSTRUMENTAL THEME PLAYING]
- [POPPY] Deceptively simple,

but with endless possibilities.

Playpen asks the question,

"Why play someone else's game
when you can build your own?"

Incredible. You've done it again.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you. Thank you.

The graphics aren't a
hundred percent there.

- But you see where I'm going with it.
- I totally get it. Great pitch.

Pass.

What now?

It's gonna be a pass.

As in, um, "Pass me the checkbook,

'cause I can't wait to invest
in this game"? [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

No, pass as in pass.

I'm passing on your stupid little game.

He's not buying it.

Why?

Why? [STAMMERS] Is it
because we were late?

Because the pedals in... in
Dana's car were very confusing.

They're not. And it's on me.
I shouldn't have let her drive.

No, it was more the part where you
rudely turned down my last offer

and told me to "suck your duck."

Oh, y... you remember that?

Wait, this is... this is the same
guy? You're pitching to the same guy?

Yeah, of course, because
I was being confident.

That's not confident! That is psychotic.

What? Oh, my God!

- What is the difference?
- Great.

- Well, we're done here.
- [POPPY] Whatever.

Well, you're not the only one.

The... There are thousands
of VCs in this town.

They're all gonna tell
you the same thing.

Your game isn't investable.

You need million people
building games with Playpen

for it to see any profits.

Do you have million friends?

- Uh...
- Do you have friends?

[POPPY STAMMERS]

Didn't think so.

Oops.