10x09 - Christmas Special - Last Christmas in Portwenn

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Doc Martin". Aired: 2 September 2004 - present.
Successful surgeon Dr. Martin Ellingham abruptly leaves his London practice to become general practitioner in the sleepy fishing village of Portwenn, where he spent the holidays during his youth.
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10x09 - Christmas Special - Last Christmas in Portwenn

Post by bunniefuu »


- Is he really here?
- He is, yeah.

Do you think he got my letter
at the North Pole?

Of course he did.

Daddy, did you write him a letter?

- Er, no. I didn't, James, no.
- Oh.

Oh, look at that.

Haven't they done a wonderful job
with the tree this year?

CAROLLERS:♪ Good King Wenceslas
Looked out on the Feast of Stephen

♪ When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even... ♪


Hey, fancy guessing the weight
of the turkey, Doc?

- One pound, two guesses.
- No.

He's very friendly. Turns out
turkeys got a lot of personality.

Hm. Make sure you wash your hands.
They're filthy.



Has there always been Christmas?

- Yeah.
- Er, no.

Well, not ALWAYS always.

No, it used to be called
the Winter Solstice,

but in the fourth century,

Pope Julius chose
the th of December for Christmas

because he wanted to replace
the pagan Saturnalia festival.


- Jenny.
- Hi!

- Mm, delicious!
- Careful, Doc!

Another inch,
you're under the mistletoe.

Anyone who wanted
could lay a smacker on you.

- What?

Mrs Tishell...

No, I'm fine, Doc. I'm just fine.

It's so nice to see you here, Doc.

How long has this food been outside?

Only since this morning.

You should wear a hair net.
It's unhygienic.

CAROLLERS:♪ Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking

♪ Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying

♪ Five gold rings... ♪

I think that's my favourite song.

Yeah, as Christmas ones go,
it's all right.

No, not my favourite Christmas song.
My favourite song ever.

This guy buys this girl
all these amazing gifts.

Five gold rings, four calling birds,

three French men... It's so romantic.

I got you some eggnog.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Happy Christmas!

Oh, hello, James! Ha-ha.

Are you here to see Santa?

That'll be £ , please, Doc.

- £ ?
- Yeah.

Oh... It's fine. Thanks.

Thank you.

£ , really (!)

Merry Christmas, Doc.

And what do you want for Christmas?

Oh, an actual list. Excellent.

- Ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Laura, look this way.

And here's your present.

Yeah, don't forget.

Merry Christmas. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

- Urgh, look at him.
- Martin.

He keeps scratching.

What, Santa?

Well, he's probably just hot
under the lights.

- Disgusting!
- Oi, Doc, move up.

Ah, what do we have here?

A smartly dressed young man
with a very nice tie.

Did you tie that yourself?

How wonderful.

And what do you want for Christmas?

- Look, don't, Martin.
- Excuse me.

I'm afraid you'll
have to join the queue, big boy.

You keep scratching.
Is there something wrong?

Santa's got a new costume
and the material's a bit itchy.

Now, come and tell Santa
what you want for Christmas.

Uh-uh, no. Don't go any closer.

He could be contagious. Let me see.

- You're being ridiculous.
- Show me, please.

- Doc, you're holding up the line!
- Leave Santa alone!

- Leave it, Martin.
- Excuse me, what's the hold-up?

Here, Doc, you're gonna
have to come out of there.

This man has a potentially
infectious disease.

That rash could be shingles,
erysipelas or scabies.

A virus, a bacteria or a parasite.

Do you really want to infect
your children? Do you?

- Right, I want you to come with me.
- Seriously?

Seriously. Come with me.
You need to fumigate this place.

Doc, I think you're over-reacting,
just a tad.

- Shut it down. Come on.
- Sorry, he does mean well.

Right, you heard what the doc said.
Everybody out.

Come on now. Out you go.
I'm sorry, no returns.

- That's what I said, no returns.
- I'm sorry, don't be sad.

We'll come back next year.

There'll be other Santas, other grottos.

You get on the examination table,

Take off your boot
and roll up your trouser leg.

- How long have you had this for?
- A week or so.

I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're
saying. Take that beard off.

Probably allergic to the material
in the costume.

Do you have a history of allergies?

No. Do you have a history
of ruining Christmas?

I didn't ruin Christmas.

All those traumatised children
who saw you drag away Santa

might well disagree on that.

It doesn't look like
an allergic reaction to me.

- I'll do a punch biopsy.
- A biopsy?

Won't I have to go to hospital for that?

Er, no. This has a blade which removes

a small plug of skin through
the epidermis and the dermis,

into the subcutaneous fat below.

- Do you have any other symptoms?
- At my age, there's always something.

Aches and pains, wear and tear.

I lost some weight. Stomach's been
a bit dodgy. Probably nerves.


My job is to bring joy and wonder
to the children of Portwenn.

I take that seriously.

- Do you suffer from fatigue?
- I don't suffer, Doc.

I enjoy the work.

But, yes, it does take a lot
out of me, I suppose.

Right, I'll take a blood sample,
check if you're anaemic or not.

Poke away. So long as it lets me
get back out there and do my job.

Er, no, you're not to mix
with children, I'm afraid.

Until we've discovered
if you're infectious or not.

I-I've got a big surprise lined up
for the village on Christmas Eve.

I really don't wanna let folk down.

I'm sorry, you're not going anywhere
until we have your test results.

I should have the blood
available tomorrow

and the biopsy sometime next week.

Not a fan of Christmas, are you?

I don't have any feelings about it
either way.

Doesn't come across my desk.

Somebody needs to show you
the true magic of the season, Doc.

I'm sure they do, thank you.
And we're finished for now.

Close the door on your way out, please.

How are you?

Is Santa angry at us?

No, of course not.

I didn't get to meet him.

I'm sorry. It's such a shame.

Here, come and sit down.


You know, when I was your age,

Portwenn used to have
a lantern parade on Christmas Eve.

And it was so lovely.

All these lights
would be coming down the hill,

with Santa Claus at the front.

Can we do that?

Well, no, cos someone would need
to arrange and organise it.

- You could.
- Oh, I didn't mean me.

And I could get to meet Santa.

Well, yeah, you could,

but it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, so...


..so I suppose
I'd better get a move on, right?


Tomorrow? That's short notice.

I just want James to have
a Christmas he won't forget.

You know, I have all these
happy memories of it as a child.

You know, the parade and the lights.

And I still remember the little
red bike my father gave me

when I was four.

- Yes, probably stolen.
- Martin!




I am.


I see.


When would that be?

Yes. I see.

Thank you.

Everything OK?

Er, that was the, er,
London Royal Hospital.

My mother died of a heart att*ck
at o'clock this morning.

Oh, Martin...

I'm so sorry.

I should tell Ruth, I suppose.

After lunch, maybe.

Come here.

It's... I don't want the fish
to get dry.

There goes the Grinch.

- Thanks for ruining Christmas!
- Tosser!

- Tosser!
- Tosser!


- Hello, Martin. Come in.
- Thank you.

You'll have to forgive me.
I'm experimenting with eggnog.

What is it?

Er, my mother suffered a
heart att*ck this morning and died.

Oh, dear.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Mm.


Oh, when will the funeral be?

Sometime between Christmas
and the new year.

May I ask how you're feeling?

Erm, I'm-I'm fine.
We weren't very close.

She was your mother.

She stole my clock.

Don't be too hard on yourself, Martin.

Grief has a way
of stealing up on us all,

even when we think we're free of it.

Honestly, I'm fine.

Poor Margaret.

I always hoped that she'd become
the mother that you deserved, but...

Oh, well, I won't speak ill of the d*ad.

She was an awful woman
and a terrible mother.

I thought
you weren't going to speak ill.

I was being polite.

'How much?'

No, but seriously.

Look, I know it's short notice, but...

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hello, Louisa. What can I do for you?

Joe, you've, er,
got a little something on your face.

It's for, erm, undercover work.

Well, I'm here because
I'd like to organise

a lantern parade for tomorrow.

A lantern parade?
Haven't had one of those for years.

Unfortunately, from a police standpoint,

tomorrow's just not possible.

- Oh... Oh, that's a shame.
- Mm.

Because I was gonna ask you
to be Santa and lead the parade.

Well, when I say not possible,
I mean not...

NOT possible.

So it... it is possible?

I'm here to help. What do we need?

Well, we need lanterns. About or .

- No problem. I'll talk to Bert.
- Great. And can you spread the word?

Just to confirm,
I shall be playing Santa Claus

and leading the parade?

- Yeah.
- Wonderful.

You know, between you and me,
it's not really for undercover work.

I know. I can see your costume
hanging up at the back.

Ha, very good.
You should be a policeman.




Mrs Tishell, I've come
to pick up my medical supplies

for the holiday period.

What are you doing? Mrs Tishell?

You're choking.

Turn round.

- Got it?
- Oh... Oh...

- Right, just let go.
- Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Let go. Let go of my arms.

HOARSELY: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
It went down the wrong way.

You were choking before as well.

Well, I-I-I do need
to take more care in future.

Why is your voice hoarse?

Cos I was singing carols yesterday.
You saved my life, Doctor.

- Come here into the light.
- Oh...

Mmm... Mm, mm, mm!

No, no, no!

- But the mistletoe...!
- No!

No, I'll come and collect
my supplies later.

I'm sorry, Doc! I-I had to.

Cos this might be my last...

my last Christmas.

- There you go, John.
- Cheers, Bert. Merry Christmas.

I know the doc has a job to do,
but so do I.

And it's not fair, you know?
It's just not fair.

Yes, we know.
You keep on saying, Leonard.

- Sorry. Don't mean to go on about it.
- It's all right.

If you can't go to your local
for a drink and a moan,

where can you go?
It's good to see you in here again.

It's been a while.

It's the children I feel sorry for.

It's a bit of magic in their lives.

Takes me months to make these.

I don't blame the doc.

No, he's to be pitied.

He just...

He just doesn't get it.

But don't worry, Santa isn't done yet.


I think Santa's done for the day
at least.

Best go home and sleep it off, eh?

- This isn't like you.
- Do you need me to call you a taxi?

No, it's OK.

I've got a sleigh.

- Sorry, she kissed you?
- Yeah.

On the cheek or...?

No, no, no. On the...
Smack on the mouth.

- Maybe she was aiming for the cheek.
- No, she wasn't.

It was quite shocking.

And there was this peculiar
metallic tang,

which didn't make it any better.

I'm not sure I wanna know
all the details now, thank you.

Oh, I don't blame you.

- Did she say why she did it?
- Something about mistletoe.


I've brushed my teeth
and I'm ready for bed.

Oh, would you like me
to come and read to you?

- No.
- It's the new one.

I said NO.

James, you don't raise your voice
to your father.


- What is that?!
- Oh, my God!

- THUDDING - It's coming from upstairs.

- It's on the roof.
- It's Santa Claus!

Don't be ridiculous.



What are you doing up there?!

I'm showing you the magic of Christmas!

Well, get down, right now.


What's going on? I saw the commotion
from The Platt. Wait, is that...?

It's Santa Claus!

Well, maybe to the untrained eye.

You need to get up there
and get that man down.

He is drunk, he's a danger
to himself and my property.

- Follow me.
- Please don't hurt Santa.


All right, Leonard?

That's not my name.

All right... Santa?

Why don't you just come over here

- nice and slowly...?
- Is he coming?

That man needs to learn
the true meaning of Christmas.

Oh, he just wants to teach you
the true meaning of Christmas.

No, get back up there, go and get him!

OK, OK. Ah, ah...


Well... unless
the true meaning of Christmas

is that he's gonna
get his chimney blocked,

I suggest...

Oh, that's a big drop!

It could... It could
make you feel a bit, a bit...


Don't let go, Leonard!

That's not my name!

Santa! Don't let go, Santa!

- I won't.

Oh, God.

- Oh, oh, oh...
- Argh...

- Whoops.
- Oh, don't say whoops! Argh!

Ah, ah, ah...

Thanks, Doc. It wasn't me.

It was just everything
started moving. I went dizzy.

It's vertigo.

And you're drunk and a disgrace.
Come down.

Merry Christmas, Doc!

- What on Earth were you thinking of?
- Sorry, Doc.

I suppose I get a bit emotional
this time of the year.

I had a few drinks.

- Normally don't touch the stuff.
- A few drinks? You're drunk.

It was only two.

Really? Well, you must have
a very low tolerance for alcohol.

I suggest you keep avoiding it.

That was incredibly irresponsible.
The harm you could've done yourself

or Penhale. Not to mention my family.

Lucky I was there to save you.

Right, come on, I'll drive you home.

At least your son got to see Santa.

Yes, if he'd been really lucky,
he'd have seen Santa

fall off the roof and break his neck.



Look what Santa brought...





No! Ow!

Out, out, OUT!

- Why is it in here?
- I wonder what's wrong.

It's a dog. That's what's wrong.
It's always barking.

No, it's-it's not always barking.

And it's never at this time
in the morning.


- Martin?
- Yes.

- James has gone!
- What? Where?

I don't know, he's left this note.
It says he's gone to the North Pole.

Oh, James is a smart, sensible boy,
he wouldn't do that.

He's not in his room and
you're literally holding a note

- saying he's gone.
- All right, I'll get dressed

and we'll go and find him.

Yeah, maybe he's just
hiding in the house somewhere.

James, James! Come on, hurry up. James!

He's never done
anything like this before.

I think it's cos
his head's been filled with

all this Father Christmas stuff.

Well, you're the one who practically
dragged Santa out the grotto,

then shouted at him yesterday.

Well, he was on our roof!

But James doesn't get that. He just..

- He just sees you ruining Christmas.
- I'm not ruining Christmas!

Is it so bad that he might enjoy it?

Even you must have some
happy memories of it as a child.


Well, isn't that a good reason
to make sure that James and Mary do?



We're on our way.

She's got him.
She's giving him breakfast.

Oh, thank goodness.
Right, but I'll pick him up.

I'm sorry, Martin, it's just
that under the circumstances,

I think it's better
that I go there alone.



Shut up.

Oh, good morning, Doc.
Oh, you're all wet.

I want to talk about yesterday.

Oh, s... Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.

Erm, I know it was unprofessional
and that you're probably very angry.

Unless you're not... and you want
to suggest that we elope together,

- slipping away into the night...
- No. No. No!

When you forced your mouth
against mine yesterday,

I noticed a strong acidic taste.

And yesterday I saw you choke twice,
on two different occasions.

Also, your voice is very hoarse.

Well that's cos I've been
singing carols.

And I am sorry,
but I have to close for lunch.

It's : in the morning.

Well, I'm... I'm not ill, Doctor.

Do you get a sensation
like there's a lump in your throat

- when you swallow?
- No.

No, because that would be
very worrying if I thought that...


You can read me like a book, Doctor.

Hmm. Let me take a look.

Ah, oh...

I first noticed it
a couple of weeks ago.

And I feel something
every time I swallow.

An enlarged lymph node.
I know what that means, Doctor.

Stop talking. Open your mouth
and tilt your head back.

Don't try to kiss me.

- Ahh!
- Swallow.

- Yes. You have GORD.

Gastroesophageal reflux disease.

I'll prescribe Omeprazole,
but we should keep an eye on it.

Chronic inflammation
of the oesophagus over time

could lead to more serious
complications and damage.

What, so, basically...


- Yes.
- I'm not dying?

No, not yet. Hold still.

Mm. Normal movement.

Your prolapsed disc must have healed.

You don't need to wear
the neck brace any more.

Oh, I-I-I think
just to be on the safe side...

There is no safe side.
You just don't need to.

Maybe just pop it back on
for a few minutes. Not more, I-I...

If you have an issue with taking it off,

then I can refer you to
a clinical psychologist if you like.

No. There's no need for that.

Consider it gone.

And thank you, Doctor, for your
infinite patience and understanding.


Medical supplies, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Thank you.

I was just coming back
from the newsagents

and I saw him strolling down the street.

I managed to persuade him
to have some breakfast

before he continued his journey
to the North Pole.

'..freezing conditions, sub-zero.

'And you can see there's
a strong band of low pressure...'

What you did was very wrong, James.

You can't just go walking off like that.

Mummy and Daddy were very worried.

'..with a good chance of some snow
on the higher ground.

'And that's gonna give some of us
in Cornwall...'

It says it might snow.

'..a white Christmas...'

You won't need to go to
the North Pole now, will you?

Doesn't matter. I hate Christmas!

He's just like his father.

Well, no. No, he's not, Ruth.

Because, actually, Daddy's very much
looking forward to seeing Santa

at the parade tonight as well.


Of course.

So, why don't you go and clean up
your bowl and we'll get on home?

SONG: 'Twelve Days Of Christmas'




'Be honest, Doc, how bad is it?'

- It's just a few minor scratches.
- Oh, God.

I've probably caught
all kinds of horrible diseases.

Diseases from birds are usually
spread by inhaling the dust

from their droppings.

Worst a scratch'll do is give you
a mild superficial infection.

Did you just say super-infection?

No, I said superficial infection.

This is hardly the emergency
you said it was.

Hello, hello, hell...! Oh.

Oh, Doc, what are you doing here?
What's happened?

Some psycho left birds in a box
to att*ck me.

They didn't att*ck you.
They scratched you.

The doc's right.

Bit soon to be using
inflammatory language like psycho.

Maybe someone
just wanted to give you a gift.

What, a gift of three chickens?!
And then there's the note.

"This is only the beginning."
That's a thr*at if ever I heard one.

- Bye.
- Er, no. Wait up, Doc.

Er, Louisa asked me to look after
the kids. I'll be safer there.

Joe, deal with those.


- Oh. Good morning!
- Oh, hello, Agatha.

I'm afraid the surgery isn't open
till after Christmas now.

Oh, no, I've come to see you.
Official Parish Council business.

Oh, right. OK.

Of course. Erm...

She does realise

that that turkey is gonna end up
on someone's dinner table?

- Yeah, course she does.
- Who's a good boy? Yeah, you are.

You know, I've made
almost as much from selling

guess-the-weight raffle tickets

than I have had from selling food
these past few days.

The great thing is, the chances
of someone actually guessing

the weight of that bird
are close to zero. Oh, dear.

It's a shame that Christmas comes
but once a year.

- Here we go.
- Pop it over there.

I got some battery lanterns,
candle ones,

and some of those fancy sky ones.

Here, were they expensive?

It doesn't matter, Bert. It's Christmas.

- We're not gonna charge for them.
- Oh, no, of course not.


Sorry, Agatha, we had a little bit
of an incident here today.


- Would you like some tea?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I understand you're planning
a lantern parade this evening?

Yes. Well, it's a bit last-minute,

but it's all coming together,
touch wood.

CHUCKLING: How wonderful.
Although, you know the rules.

You haven't lodged your event
notification form with the council

days prior to the event
and had it ratified.

No. I thought as it's just a few
people walking down the street...

Oh... A few people
walking down the street...

It's a bit like saying a rock
concert is a few people in a field.

Agatha, James is really
looking forward to this.

I know the village feels the same.

And it really will just be
a few people with lanterns...

Hi, guys.

Martin, this is Agatha.
She's from the Parish Council.

- Doctor Ellingham.
- Yes.

Apologies if I look a little flustered.

I've just been attacked by some birds.

- Oh, my.
- It was nothing.

Oh, sure! "Lose one eye, get another."

That must have been horrible.

Those awful things
with their mean, little beaks

and lifeless, black eyes.

- I know!
- Thankfully, Janice survived.

I know she's really looking forward
to the parade as well.

I'm not really that bothered...

But, yes, very much so.

Janice, can you check on Mary, please?


Is there any way we can get the
event signed off by this evening?

This isn't about paperwork.

This is about the safety of the village

during the most dangerous time
of the year.

Well, I'm not sure
Christmas is that dangerous.

Oh, really?

People drinking too much alcohol.

Suppose there is
a little bit of that, yeah.

Then there's injuries
from putting up decorations,

injuries from taking them down,
candles, fires, indigestion,

food poisoning, allergies, choking,
slipping on snow, slipping on ice...

Have you ever seen
a Christmas tree catch alight?

I don't know why people have them
in their homes.

They're incendiary devices.
And don't forget batteries,

which children seem to swallow
all day long

during the Christmas holidays,

leaking corrosive acid into the stomach

and destroying its lining.
They're quite lethal.

I did forget them! Thank you, doctor.

Yes, thank you, Martin (!)

You know, we've got a meeting now
about the parade.

Why don't you come along and see
that there's nothing to worry about?

- I suppose I could.
- Great.

Martin, try and speak to James.
Make sure he's OK.


- Come along, we should get going.
- Oh. Um...

So, if nobody wins,
do we get to keep Toby?

I don't know.
I hadn't really thought about it.

Chances are
someone's guessed it correctly.

Maybe. Maybe not.

The plan is for people
to start at the school

and make their way down here
to the Christmas tree at The Platt.

- That's relatively straight-forward.
- Yeah, yeah, well, it is.

- So, we all set, Louisa?
- Not quite.

Apparently, we need permission
from Portwenn Parish Council.

Erm, Agatha, you know Joe Penhale
and Bert Large, don't you?

I am aware of them both, yes.

What safety procedures
have you in play for the parade?

Well... they're just walking
from up there to there, so...

I thought I'd use the
Public Order Act as my framework.

Although, for me, the original
was far more effective.

But then I'm just a police officer

with the lowest crime rate
in Devon and Cornwall

five years running, so what do I know?

That's true.

High-vis jackets?

Please! I don't get out of bed
in the morning

without a high-vis jacket on.


Have you got
a health and safety protocol?

Er, no, not as such.

But then, you know,
we-we only had a day and...

- Well, so what?
- So what?!

Yes. So what!
You know, the village needs this.

To be able to come together
and celebrate as a community.

The benefits surely outweigh the risks.

Agatha, you're the only person
that can make it happen.

Or not.

I suppose it's only a short walk.

Great. So we're OK for tonight?

- Is that a turkey?

Er, excuse me, why have you got
livestock next to a food truck?

It's unhygienic.

He's called Toby and he's not
unhygienic, he's very clean.

- I gave him a bath this morning.
- And we're just weighing him

to see if anyone's won the competition.

- What competition?
- Well, guess its weight correctly

and it could end up on your table
this Christmas.

Unfortunately, nobody got it right.

Here, have a go. On the house.

Oh, I don't know...

Nine pounds, ounces.

That is amazing. How did you do that?

Wait, I won?!

I don't like birds,
and definitely not that one.

He's not asking you to look after it.

It's for Christmas lunch.

Yeah, we'll get the butcher
to deliver it later.

Or you could have the satisfaction
of knowing you were correct

and leave it at that.

Mor, it is a turkey, it's Christmas.
It's had a good, long life.

Not that long. Christmas turkeys
are usually five months old.

Well, we've all learned something
new today. So, the parade...

So, the butcher will k*ll it
and chop it up for me?

Yeah. All part of the prize.

See what it's like
when a community comes together.


He does seem like a healthy specimen.

Oh, my! Oh!

Mr Maitland, this is Doctor Ellingham.

I have your test results.

Can you please call me
as soon as you get this? Thank you.

DOG BARKS James...

Can you ask your dog to be quiet,





Downstairs, shoo!

Hello, James.

You're upset with me.


When I was your age,
I'd wake up on Christmas morning...

..and at the end of my bed, every year,

was a stocking with an orange
and a pencil set in it.

And I'd run down to
my mother and father's room...


But what?


Excuse me.




Oh, I'm sorry, there's an emergency.
I have to go.

Janice is downstairs
if you need anything.

And we'll, erm...
Er, we'll talk again. Well done.

Off, shoo, downstairs!


OK, Agatha, I need you
to remain still, yeah?

Just try not to move.

SHOUTING: Out of the way,
coming through!

You can probably hear somebody
barking at people. That's the doc.

Er, she's had a fall. She's got
a cut on the back of her head.

I've tried to stem the blood,
but I think she's concussed.

Well done. Anybody called an ambulance?

On its way, Doc.

- Do you know where you are?
- Turkey.

I think she means the bird, Doc,
not the country.

I won it from the food truck.

- Told you.
- Yes, shush.

I never won anything before!

Keep still and stop talking.

Sorry, I hate to do this,
but do we have the Parish go-ahead

for the parade?

- Oh, Louisa, really? Not now, come on.
- Sorry.


What did that mean?

I'm pretty sure it was a yes.

You're just saying that
cos you wanna be Santa Claus.

Yes, I am. Because you're right, Louisa.

We deserve this. All of us.

Do you really wanna tell James that
this has been cancelled as well?

You're trying
to emotionally manipulate me.

- Is it working?
- Might be, yeah.

Because... technically,
Agatha didn't say no...

- Everyone! The parade's still on.
- Joe, no, that's not what I meant...

- Right, let's get to work. Come on!
- OK, then.

Mor, what are you doing?

Oh, I-I thought I'd drive him
to the butcher's myself.

Well, I-I can do that.

Yeah, erm...

I know it's silly, but I...

I just want a chance to say goodbye.

What, to the...?

Right, OK. I understand.

But, I mean, it is a...
It's a turkey at Christmas.

Yeah, I know.

Just take it easy. Rest up.

Erm, avoid the bumpy roads.
Keep it smooth.

- Yes, Doc.

We know how to drive an ambulance.


Doc, it's Leonard Maitland.
You left a message?

Ah, Mr Maitland, yes.
Your test results have come back.

It's bad news, isn't it?

To be honest, I've been
having dizzy spells all day.

It's made working in the garage
really tricky.

If you're feeling dizzy,
you shouldn't be up and about.

Yeah, all right...

'I'll go and get a seat.'


Oh, oh...

Mr Maitland? What's happened?

Just fell over and took
the shelf down with me and...

Oh, no.

Doc, I don't wanna panic here,

but there's a massive cut in my leg
and a lot of blood.

I'll just try and patch myself up.

'Bleeding everywhere here.'

Right, put pressure on the wound
and keep the leg raised.

I'll call an ambulance.

Er, I'm sure it'll be fine.

'Er, no. Your blood test showed
that you're grossly anaemic.

'You can't afford
to lose any more blood.'

It's not like as I could
bleed to death, is it?

Ah, well, in a worst-case scenario,
er, yes. In a few hours.

Then can you please get off the phone

and call me a bloody ambulance!



I don't want you to go,
but this is the only way.

And I just wanna say thank you.

I didn't think I was ready, but...

I hadn't actually finished yet, Toby.

It's fine.

Bye, then.


- No, no fireworks.
- And no sky lanterns.

Hang on a minute! I can get
a really good deal on those.

We don't wanna take anyone's
attention away from the parade.

- Louisa, excuse me.
- Martin, I'm in a meeting.

Yes, forgive me.


There's been an accident
at Leonard Maitland's

and the only ambulance in the area
is tied up with, erm...

er, whatshername, so I'm gonna
have to drive up there myself.

- Oh, dear, that sounds serious.
- Yes, it is.

Will you be back in time for the parade?

Erm, yes, I should be.

Er, but if I'm not...
you'll tell James, will you?

It'll be fine. He's fine. Just go.

All OK with the butcher?

You're not gonna believe me.
Toby escaped.


Yeah, so I got to the butcher
and then he just sprung out the cage

and flew away.

You're right, I don't believe you.

SCREAMING Is that Janice?


Come on!

What is it?

Oh, that's really nice.


Someone breaks in
and leaves more birds for me

after the last lot almost blinded me?

It was a tiny scratch. On your hand.

Maybe you should speak to Joe.

I already have. But you know
what the police are like.

They've always got
more important things to do.

It's just that doves are a symbol,
aren't they, of, er, of love?


So maybe speak to Joe.

Uh, I just told you, I already have.

Is he feeling OK?



Mr Maitland?

Can you hear me?

Mr Maitland?

If you can hear me, I'm almost with you.











I was just coming to find you.
How's your day been?

- Terrible.
- Really?

What, nothing special happened or...?

Oh, something special happened.
That psycho struck again.

He left two more scary birds
in the salon.

OK. What type of birds?

I don't know, doves or something.

Well, doves are nice.

Doves, pigeons, rats, bats -
they're all the same.

When I find out who did this,
they're d*ad.

Well, maybe if you just
think about it...

I am thinking about it!
I can't stop, it's driving me nuts.

Look, if you can't be bothered
to find out who's stalking me,

then at least go and get rid of them!

Yeah. I promise. I'll-I'll sort it out.

What do you want for Christmas?

How far away
is Leonard Maitland's house?

You do realise I'm Santa Claus,
not the wonderful Joseph Penh...

It's about minutes.

It's just Martin drove up there
a few hours ago.

He's still not back
and I can't get a hold of him.

Well, signal's terrible up there.
The important thing...

Is not to worry. Yes, I know.

The important thing
is that Leonard can't play Santa

because that's my job now.

And, yes, also not to worry.




You always were a fragile child.

I'm not one to be critical,
but it was rather embarrassing.

SHAKILY: Hypothermia.


Oh, I've been out in the cold
for nearly two hours

and my body temperature's dropped.

And my pulse rate's decreased.

And my pupils are dilated.

My reflexes seem unaffected, though.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Can't you even say hello?

Erm.. You're not a person.
You're a symptom.


That's a dreadful thing to say
to your mother.

Hypothermia can lead to
disorientation and hallucinations.

You always have an excuse for
everything. It's rather tiresome.

Right now, my primary concern
is to get the engine started

and the heat on again.

And if you don't manage that?

My core temperature
could drop to a level

where it's unable
to produce sufficient heat,

which ultimately would lead to
my vital organs failing and then...



How long do you have?

About an hour.

Maybe less.

That's not helpful.

Oh, Martin! What makes you think
I'm here to help?


Do you think he'll be upset
if you don't make it home?



I will make it back.

You don't seem that upset
about my passing.

And it's not as if you're
a better parent to James.

That's not true.

He's already g*n to resent you,

That's a disease that spreads.

One that I doubt
even you know how to cure.

How old were you when you realised
we didn't love you?

Look what Santa brought.

'Was it on one of those
Christmas Day mornings,

'when you woke up and found us gone?

'You can't blame us, Martin.

'We were happy before you arrived.'


We just wanted to enjoy
one special day a year,

when we could be free from you.

Be quiet. You're not real.

Which, on the balance of things,
is even more disturbing, isn't it?


What a clever boy.


Well, maybe not.

What are you doing?

My patient is anaemic.
I have to make sure that he's safe.

You can't go out there.
You've already tried and failed.

Then I'll try again.

And you'll freeze to death.

Now, sit back here
and listen with Mother.

Just for the record... I forgive you.

- No, you don't.
- Oh, shut up!

You ready to go to the parade?

Just fixing my beard.


Do I look OK?

I don't know. I suppose so.

I'm sorry.
It's this whole stalker thing.

It's got me all anxious.

It's over, Janice.

You just have to trust me.

It's all over.

Right, I couldn't get you a partridge.

What I have got you is a pheasant,
which is basically

the Rolls Royce of partridges.

Did you not get my message?

Yeah. No more birds to the salon.
So I've, er, brought it here.

Just "no more birds".

Well, you've paid for them and
you're not getting your money back.

Oh, my God.

You're my stalker.

What's wrong with you? Why would you
want to t*rture me like this?

It was meant to be romantic.

What's romantic about
being attacked by chickens?

Not chickens. Hens.

Three Cornish hens
because no-one had any French ones.

And then two doves and then a pheasant.

Because, apparently, they're
the Rolls Royce of partridges.

You know, like the song.

Well, then, why didn't you just
tell me, then?

Because you were upset and...

..I didn't want to spoil this...

..this moment.


I know we've tried and failed
before, Janice, but...

..I love you.

Joe, I can't.

Oh. OK.

OK. That's fine.

I mean the beard. It has to go.





Martin, thank goodness.
I was so worried.

BREATHLESSLY: 'I crashed the car.'

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Er, wait a minute.

- Hello?
- 'I'm here, Martin.'

I think I have hypothermia.

My, er... my mother...

Oh, Martin, I know. I'm so sorry.

No, she came to visit me.

What? What do you mean?
Like, as a ghost?

No, it was a symptom of hypothermia.

She said...

She said I was losing James.

She wasn't real, though.

I know. But it doesn't mean
she wasn't right, though, does it?

Martin, where are you now?

Well, the car wouldn't start
and my mother was being annoying,

so I was trying to find
Leonard Maitland's house,

but I think I'm lost.

OK. You need to go back to the car,
yeah, and I'll come and find you.

I'm not entirely sure where I am...

and I-I don't know where the car is.

'Martin? Martin, I can't hear you.'

I can see light.

No, no, no, that doesn't sound good.
Don't go into the light, Martin.

I think it's Leonard Maitland's house.

All right, in that case,
definitely go towards it

and I'll come collect you now.

No. He needs urgent medical attention.

That's why I'm here.

Martin, you were just in a crash
and you said you had hypothermia.

I just need to warm up.

I'll be fine.

Really, you're sure?

Yeah. You can come and get me
after the parade.

'Right, just, please,
just stay in touch.'


Hold on!

Bloody hell, what happened to you?
Come in.

You shouldn't be walking around.

I had to answer the door, didn't I?

Lie down there and elevate your leg.

You look awful, Doc.

My car came off the road.

I just need to warm up for a bit.

I would make you a hot drink, but...

feel free to help yourself.

Thank you.

I'm a bit worried about
your blood loss, though.

Let me take your pulse.

Yeah, you don't have a radial pulse.

I'll set up a drip
and get some fluids into you,

but first
I'll have a look at that wound.

Sorry to drag you up here, Doc.

It's Christmas Eve.
You should be with your family.

Stop talking.


It's bad, right?

Yes, you've, er, torn a varicose vein.

That's why you're bleeding so much.


Well, yeah, luckily, he's OK,
but it could've been a lot worse.

Well, that's a relief.

And don't worry about Mary.
I'm more than happy

to look after her
while you're at the parade.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, hello.
I didn't realise you were here.

Sal dropped in for some of my eggnog.

- I don't know if the doctor told you?
- He did.



Why, what happened?

Oh, it's nothing. Thank you, Ruth.

Come on, James. It's almost time.

I'm going to see Santa.

Well, tell him I said hello.


I don't want to pry...

I may have accidentally tried
to kiss the doctor earlier.

Oh, Sally.

Well, there was mistletoe.

And he'd just helped me.

I had what I thought was
a malignant lump in my throat

and it turned out to be
gastroesophageal reflux disease.

Well, usually, a handshake
or "thank you very much" will do.

And he also...

He said that my prolapsed disc
was healed

and I don't need to wear
my neck brace any more.

But I don't know. I just...

I can't seem to take it off.

Would you like me to do it?


Oh, er...

Oh-oh-oh, sorry...

I-I know it's stupid
and it's sentimental,

but, erm...

..I will miss it.

It's a permanent symbol
of a medical condition,

which means it's also
a permanent link to a certain doctor

you may have feelings for.

It's not the neck brace
you're giving up...

..it's Martin.

Do it.

- Good girl.
- Yeah.

- I, no-no...
- Stay still.

- I-I-I... Oh, oh...
- There.

You're right, it's time.


So, you need to rest up.

No strenuous activity
for at least two weeks.

- No more Santa, then.
- No.

Have you worked out
what this rash is yet?

Er, no, I haven't had
the results back from your biopsy,

but I'm fairly certain
that it's dermatitis herpetiformis.

Is it catching? No.

So there was no need
to close the grotto down.

No, no, precautions were necessary.

Anyway, I think it was just
a symptom of something bigger.

All indicators point towards
coeliac disease,

which is a condition
where your immune system

starts to att*ck your own tissue
when you eat gluten.

It would certainly explain
your low blood iron

and your stomach issues
and your weight loss.

And your stronger than normal
reaction to wheat-based alcohol.

My body's attacking itself?
Bloody heck, that sounds serious.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah.
Unless you change your diet,

you run the risk of malabsorption
and malnutrition.

It can be very serious.
I'll run some tests.

Urgent tests?

Not this minute, no.

Great, so I can drive you
back to the village now,

seeing as I'm not contagious.

Ah, no, that won't be necessary.

Louisa's coming to collect me
after the parade.

After the parade?

Doc, it's Christmas Eve.

I'm more than grateful,
you risking yourself,

coming up here and stitching me up,
but you should be with your family.

Yes, now I appreciate that,
but I need to be thorough.


I hate Christmas. I always have.

What do you mean?

See, my wife loved it.

I was only ever Santa to please her.

And to be honest,
I still couldn't stand it.

I'd moan, complain, you know how it is.

Then, five years ago, she died.
December the rd, without warning.

Yes, I remember, it was very sad.

After that,
putting on the beard, the suit,

becoming someone else for a while,
well, it was an escape.

And once I stopped fighting it,
I started to get it.

Making toys for the kids,
giving folk some happy memories...

it's... it's a privilege, Doc.
An honour.

I just wish I'd understood that
when she was still alive.

Yes, well, erm... I'm sorry, you'll
have to wait until next year now.

And is that your plan?

Wait until next year

and MAYBE celebrate Christmas
with your family then?

I had an emergency to attend to.

And now the emergency's over.

Er, yeah, well, even if I...

Even if I... I mean, it's just...
It'll be just too late now.

It wouldn't be too late
if you left right now.

I still have to run those tests on you.

The tests can wait.

You're avoiding your family

because you don't want
to ruin things for them.

Do you wanna know what
the true magic of Christmas is?

It's being exactly who you are,

but, still, your family want you around,

even if you are an irritating bugger.

That truly is a miracle.

And sometimes we don't know how
lucky we are until it's too late.

The only way you can ruin their
Christmas is by not being there.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Great. Now,
it's gonna be cold out there,

so we'll need to wrap up.

You're not coming. You need
to recuperate and rest that leg.

Doc, it's Christmas Eve. I have plans.

- Absolutely not.
- I'm the one with the wheels.

Either we go together,
or we don't go at all.

Here we go. I've got some spares.

As I was saying, it'll be cold,

on account of there being no windscreen.


Maybe better I just show you, Doc.


Mind out, it's Santa coming through.
It's Santa coming through.

Attention, please.

Attention, everyone.
The parade is about to begin.


But before we begin,
I'd like to make a little speech.

- This is boring!
- I'm cold.

Ten years ago...

Santa? Maybe we could just,
you know, begin?

Well, we'll begin when Santa says so.

All those in favour
of starting the parade, say aye!


OK, everybody behind me,
stay in formation!

What about Daddy?

Yeah, he said he really wanted
to be here, but...

Don't worry about Daddy, little man.
Santa's here now.

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

- Ho-ho-ho!
- What the...?

Sit down! Your leg!
You'll burst the stitches.

Keep your eyes on the road.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

- Presents for everyone!
- Martin?!


Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!

- Merry Christmas!
- Put your seatbelt on.

- Come on, Doc!
- All right.


All together now! Ho-ho-ho!

PARADERS:♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse... ♪

Told you I'd show you
the magic of Christmas, didn't I?

Er, yes. Yes, you did, yes.
But take it easy. Stay here.

- Best seat in the house, Doc.
- Yeah.

- Mummy!
- Did you enjoy that? Did you?

- Well, that was quite an entrance.
- I wanted to be here on time.


- Did you enjoy that?
- Yes!

There we go, my love, you take care now.

I thought I said no sky lanterns.

During the parade, yes.
But the parade's over now.

Oh, come on. It's Christmas,
everybody's enjoying themselves.

No means no!

You know what, you're a great Santa.

- Really?
- Best we've ever had.

Well, I suppose you have already
given them out, haven't you?

- So...
- Here, go on. On the house.

Thanks. Merry Christmas, Bert.

And Merry Christmas to you, too.

OK. I believe you. The turkey escaped.

- I let it go.
- Oh, I knew it, Mor. I knew it.

I'm sorry.

I think I was just feeling
a bit broody and hormonal.

Right, yeah.

You know, because of the baby.

What, the... the baby turkey?

- No.
- What, er...?

I was gonna wait till Christmas Day
to tell you, but, erm...



- Yeah, a baby...
- What?

- Our baby.
- Oh, Mor! Mor!

We're getting married. Again.

- Congratulations, again!
- Can I tell 'em?

- We're having a baby!
- Oh, it's not a competition, Al.

- Well...
- Congratulations!

Here, take this.

You know, some people,
when they light these lanterns,

they like to dedicate them to people.

Absent friends or family...
or maybe someone they've lost.

I'm not sure if my mother
would appreciate a lantern.

It's not for her, Martin.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you, too, Martin.

Hang on!

That one, where's it going?

Is that your lantern burning up?

Yeah, it looks like it's falling.

As long as the wind doesn't catch it
and it lands in the sea.

I think it's coming this way.

Oh, that's bad. Oh, dear.

Erm, sorry. Sorry, everybody,
but I, er...


Martin! James! James, come here.

Where's Penhale?
Penhale, call the f*re brigade!

Everybody, stand back. Stand back!
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