03x16 - The Sharent Trap

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Duncanville". Aired: February 16, 2020 - present.
Animated sitcom centered around a spectacularly average 15-year-old boy, his family and friends.
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03x16 - The Sharent Trap

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♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪


Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!


Hey, Mavis,
how do you want your eggs?

Uh, Mr. Mitch, are you
gonna put a shirt on?

Oh. Guess I should.

Okay, socks, sweaters.
Here we go.

- Not anymore, shirt.
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

What the hell's going on?

As someone who's
lived at school,

I think he's living at school.

Looking like Mitch got ditched.

Children are so
damn perceptive.

Okay, my girl and I
are going through a bit

of a rough patch,
and I just ask for privacy

during these trying times.

- We understand.
- Fine. I'll talk about it.

I asked her to marry me,
and she said, nah,

which is way worse than no.

I first sensed her pulling
away during the summer when...

When you rented that bicycle
built for two on her birthday,

and she wanted her own bike.
Go on.

And the other night,
she called me needy.

Y'all know me. Am I needy?
Bex, am I?

Um, we're supposed
to report when

teachers grab and shake us.

I guess it's needy to buy a ring

and want to share
your life with someone.

I don't know about needy,
but it's hella thirsty.

Anyway, she asked me
to leave the townhouse.

Isn't it your townhouse?

You try telling that to a woman
with Cardi B fingernails.

So I'm crashing here
till I find a place.

Now, let's get on with
today's lesson... laundry.

Everybody grab a shirt
and start folding

while I sob at my desk.


The funniest thing
happened at school today.

[laughs] Mr. Mitch
proposed to his girlfriend,

and she said, nah, and kicked
his sorry ass to the curb.

- Pass the ketchup?
- Wait, what's the funny part?

Oh, I forgot to say.
He was crying.

His glasses were foggy as hell.
Dad, ketchup!

Duncan, that poor man is in pain.

A teacher is in pain.
It's totally different.

Yeah, teachers aren't,
like, people with feelings.

They're like celebrities.

We don't feel bad for them
because they're so rich.

How much do you think
teachers make?

Coach Walters' car is an
old limo, so you do the math.

Jack, a teacher we met
a couple of times is hurting.

- We should get involved.
- Absolutely.

No one makes a man forget
a woman faster than me.

Once you go Jack,
you never go back.

And you know
I'll show him a good time.

What exactly are you guys
talking about doing here?

Stay out of it.
I can't be the kid whose parents

are friends with the teacher.

My status will drop
from loser to lame ass,

and the only way I'll be cool again
is if I k*ll you in your sleep.

You can be friends with my teacher.
I love her!

She wears a pink bow
and doesn't shave her armpits.

I mean it. If you guys
hang out with Mr. Mitch,

you better sleep
with one eye open.

Are you seriously threatening
to k*ll us, Duncan?

I'm sorry. I love you.
Just obey me.

[line trills]

Hey, Mr. Mitch. Annie Harris.

What are you doing
tomorrow night?


I mean, besides crying?

[crunching loudly]

Jeez, that's a loud sandwich!

My stepdad packed my lunch today.

It's the leftover bones
from his dinner last night.



Damn, you broke, Wolf!
What's your Venmo?

I've got something to say to
Duncan that I probably

should say privately,
but what the hell.

Tell your parents thanks
for inviting me out, champ.



Your parents are friends
with a teacher?


Shut up. It's not funny.

Let's go back to laughing
at Wolf's messed up home life.

I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
All eyes are on you.

Thank God. Now I can eat
this corncob in peace.


[doorbell rings]

Hi, is Mr. Mitch home?

Oh, I thought you were
Postmates with my orange chicken.

Mitch, your parents are here.

- Mr. Mitch?
- I'm under the blanket

spying on my girlfriend
with a telescope.

She's throwing a party
to celebrate our breakup.

Oh, good.
A cop is there to shut it down.

No, wait. He's a stripper.

Hold up. HOA president's there.
She's in trouble now.

Nope, also a stripper.
Well, I'm off to the carport.

No, she's not the only one
that knows how to party.

Yeah, if you think
she's getting wild,

wait till you see
where we're taking you.

BOTH: Cosmic bowling!

In a certain state of mind,
I would really enjoy this.

But I think I'm gonna
get back to spying on my ex.

Come on, it's mind-bl*wing.

Look at the stars,
the dandruff, the pit stains.

A spectacle like this only
happens once every seven days.

So let's bowl with the lights off.

♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

[upbeat music]



[dog panting]


- ANTS: Yay!
- ♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

ALL: Ah!

♪ Let's go bowling! ♪

Lane , please go home.

[doors chimes]

That was a magical night.
Thanks, Annie and Jack.

You really got me
over the hump.

Can you little guys
take me home?

I'm down on Sixth Street
by the Food for Less.

Haha, yeah.
That's good.

Aw, he's gonna be all right.

It feels good to help someone
and be carried by ants.

ANTS: Yay!

That's us, the red Kia.

Seriously, Mom? Leftover
potato salad for breakfast?

Oh, just put some syrup on it.

There, it's breakfast.


We didn't have time
to get to the store.

We were busy helping a man
cosmic bowl his misery away.

- Now drink your orange juice.
- This is Dayquil!

Oh, just put some syrup in it.


Breakfast, anyone?

Rocco's chicken and waffles?
Oh, they made a mistake.

They gave you dinner
and breakfast.

Oh, hold on.

There's a brochure for white
people in here somewhere.

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

This is the greatest idea ever!

Damn, this hits.
Why did I say that?

You didn't have to do all this.
All we did was pull you

back from the brink
of emotional su1c1de.

Actually, I did have
a little favor to ask.

Turns out my new
apartment building

doesn't allow pets
who bite the landlord.

[dog whimpers]

Can you watch Mavis
till I find a new place?

BOTH: Aw, can we, Mom?

You girls begged for a hamster,

and you did a terrible job
taking care of it.

[dog whimpering]

How many times
do we have to tell you,

Ophelia smelled and we hated her.

Mavis smells, but we love her!
Pleasey, please.

Aw, they deserve a second chance.

All right, but if this one dies,
I'm not digging the hole.

BOTH: Yay!

Come on, Mavis.
Let's put a bow in your hair

and pick a funny voice for you.

[nasally] I'm Mavis.

She doesn't sound like that.
She's more like...

[in French accent]
I am Ma-vis.

Actually, Mavis is British,
but they were having so much fun.

So what are we doing today?

Well, we have work.
Don't you?

I can come and go as I please.

We won that in our last contract.
Teachers union, baby.

Oh, I'm still covered
in ant bites from last night.

Maybe another time.

Huh? Oh, hey, Mr. Mitch.
What a pleasant surprise.

- Mom, Dad, got a second?
- You're hurting me!

What is he doing here?
I forbade you from seeing him!

And I remember because I had
to learn what forbade meant.

Will you calm down?

He just stopped by
to bring us chicken.

- And waffles.
- What?

Here's the brochure.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Wow. All right, but when I'm
done with this soulful blend

of sweet and savory flavors,
this friendship is over. [chomps]

Damn, this hits.

Who's the pooch?

[nasally] My name is Mavis,

and these are my
responsible doggie sitters.

I'm surprised after
the tragic passing of Ophelia.

- God rest that little critter.
- Does she know any tricks?

Does she know any tricks?
Bradley, get your inhaler ready.

Mavis, roll over.


Mavis, moonwalk!

[dog grunting]

What trick is she doing now?

I'll tell you what she's doing!
She's dropping a big old cannoli!

ALL: Ew!

- Let's run to the swing set, b*at.
- Right behind you, LJ.

Oh, my God, Mavis.
That's disgusting.

That's the size of our hamster!

Well, it's supposed
to be good for the Earth

or something.
Let's get out of here.

Hi. Where do you think you're going?

Oh, hey, Mayor Jen.
We were just walking away

from that giant piece of crap
our dog left.

You can't just dump and dash.
I ran on that platform!

Dump, dash, die.

Scoop the poop,
or it's a $ fine.

There's only one thing we can do.

Mavis, k*ll!


Get to scooping, ladies.
While it's still hot.


- Yes!
- Hey, Duncan.

Saw your parents bowling with
Mr. Mitch on his Instagram.

Guess what?
That is disturbingly wack.

Personally, I think it's
beautiful that your parents

have opened up their marriage.

So is Mr. Mitch your stepdad now?

Do you prefer Duncan Harris Mitch
or Duncan Mitch Harris?

Oh! Or Mini Mitch?

Mia, I know you want to show
you're part of the g*ng,

but please don't get in on this.

- Come on, flick me the ball.
- Why?

So you can
confiscate it and give it

to your boyfriend, Mitch?

He's not my boyfriend.
He's my parents' boyfriend.

No, wait. No.

He's none of our boyfriends. Ah!

Sorry I'm late. Before I
reveal who won World w*r II,

I have a much bigger announcement.

I'm introducing a new award,
Student of the Week,

- awarded to a student of excellence.
- Finally, it's happening!

The winner will receive
immunity from pop quizzes,

a lifetime hall pass,
this Burger King paper crown,

and a -foot party sub.

- [all gasp]
- No!

Mia, can I have
the middle foot of the sub?

Sorry, Bex, the middle
is the gooiest part.

- Mia, get up here...
- [gasps]

And tell Duncan he's won
Student of the Week.

That's a really cruel way

- to announce an award.
- Me? Seriously, why?

I just think you are a great kid.

♪ Student of the Week ♪

♪ What a cool guy ♪

♪ His parents are my friends ♪

♪ Shouldn't have sang that part ♪

All the rest of you, pop quiz.

[all groaning]

Mmm, so gooey.

Oh, hell no.

- Mr. Mitch?
- Oh, hey, Annie.

I completely forgot you work
in parking enforcement

when I was parking on this curb.

Guess we could spend
some time together

while you write me up.

Um, yeah, but it's an
expensive ticket, Mr. Mitch.

Why don't you just
move your car?

Oh, no. I wouldn't want
any special treatment

- just because we're best friends.
- Mm?

Want to hop in
and do Carpool Karaoke?

- I'll be Corden.
- I don't know who that is,

and I'm kind of working
right now.

No problem.
I'll see you later.

Did I do that?



So glad you could come
over on such short notice.

Here's the problem.

Somebody jammed
a football in there.

Huh, that's weird. Oh, well.

Guess we'll just have to
toss it around, buddy.

- Go long!
- Uh, I have a lot of other customers.


Oh! Incomplete.

Hey, why don't you look
back down in there?

I put a couple beers in.

We came as fast as we could.

You said they found dr*gs
in Duncan's locker?

Nah, I texted "'Sup?" to you guys

minutes ago,
and you didn't respond,

so I had to come up
with something grabbier.

Now that you're here, have you
all played "Apples to Apples"?

- It's wild.
- Mr. Mitch, we're going.

Duncan joined a g*ng.

- BOTH: What?
- Nah, I'm playing.

I got "Cards Against
Humanity" too. It's wild.

[both groan]

- It looks so gross.
- And smells so bad.

Okay, we'll do it together.

I'll hold your nose.
You cover my eyes.

[both groan, scream]

Is it on me?

My elbow touched it!
Cut off my arm!

I thought dogs like
to eat their own poop.

Come on, Mavis.
Get in there!

Yum, yum.
[dog whimpers]

If we kick it into the street,
park rules don't apply.

Ew, gross!

- [both yelp]
- Let's just run.

What are they gonna do?
Send a SWAT team after us?

They're on the move.
Go! Go! Go!

[tires squealing]


You can run,
but you can't hide!

Yes, we can.

And the voters
said I was crazy

to spend million on this van.

Yeah, Mom, we're gonna spend
the night at Little Joey's.

His family is always yelling at each
other in Italian, and we love it.

[in Italian accent] "Hey, get
your meat hooks off my manicotti!"

- DiGiorno!
- Got to go.

Well, the girls are staying
at Little Joey's,

and I don't know
where the hell Duncan is,

so you want to talk about
having sex but not do it?

Oh, we'll see about that.

No way I'm falling asleep on
top of you with my pants off.


No. No. I'm awake.
I'm awake!

[door bell rings] What up, fam?
It's Mr. Mitch.

[both groan]

[door bell rings]

I can hear
the doorbell outside.

Can you hear it inside?

[door bell ringing]

"The Masked Singer" is on.

They're gonna reveal the Buffalo.

I think it's Mark Ruffalo.
You know why I think that?

Army crawl upstairs.

[both grunting]


Let it burn!
It's filthy anyways.

[both grunting]

[both gasp]

Good thing I had this
glass tube filled with water.

Yeah, that's good.

- Does he see us?
- Yeah, I see you. I'm a teacher.

- I see everything.
- All right, Mr. Mitch.

- We need to talk.
- Agreed.

About our hopes, our dreams,

where we're going for spring break.
Spring break!

Please don't take this
the wrong way,

but we don't want to see your
face for a very long time.

So what do you mean?

You want to hang out in the dark?

Okay, now I think you're just
being intentionally obtuse.

What Annie meant was that
you can be extremely grating

and unbearably needy,
and we deeply regret

getting involved with you.

- Please don't take any of this personally.
- Nah, I get it.

My girlfriend also used
the words grating,

needy, and deeply regret.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Don't worry about me.

And hey, we'll always
have toilet football.

Aw, no. We won't.
I hated that.

Wow, he took that well.

Now where were we?
Mm, mm...


♪ Loser of the week ♪

♪ What a pathetic guy ♪

♪ Duncan's parents used
to be my friends ♪


Okay, class.

Everyone take the shrink wrap
off your books and open them.

- What books?
- You mean our Jenga tower?

Come on. Come on.

ALL: Jenga!

Enough! No more Jenga.

No more dance parties,
and no more

watching movies while I nap!

- But it's Wayans brothers week.
- You promised us "Little Man,"

and I need to see Marlon's head
superimposed on a baby's body.

Hey, Mr. Mitch,
not sorry I'm late,

because I'm
Student of the Week.

All right, who wants to eat
the butt of my party sub?

ALL: Whoa!

Fight for it like dogs.

- Amuse me!
- Sit down!

[all gasp]

Duncan, your title's revoked.

But I earned it by you
being friends with my parents!

And you lost it
when they dumped me.

They dumped you?

But I encouraged this
relationship from the beginning.

Tough break, Duncan.

Mr. Mitch, you gotta
hang with my parents.

They're so much fun.

My mom had a tweet published
in "Reader's Digest."

I've met your stodgy-ass parents.
It ain't happening.

Heads down on your desk,
and if I can see your nose,

you get detention.

Detention. Detention.

Why are you doing this,
Mr. Mitch?


Yeah, why am I doing this?

What's the point of anything?

We're all gonna die.
All of us.

What a circus.

- Oh, my God, there's a circus?
- It's a metaphor, bitch!


Hi, Dunkie.
How was school today?

Uh, it sucked!
My friends didn't get to see

Marlon Wayan's head on a baby,

- and it's all your fault.
- What are you talking about?

You broke Mr. Mitch's heart,

and he went psycho on us
and ran away.

Hmm, could it have anything to
do with us crushing his soul?

Teachers are humans
with feelings.

Just because they're super rich
doesn't mean they don't hurt.

We were kind of rough on him.
We should go apologize.

Best route
to Sad Sack Suites.

Take a left on
Lack of Intimacy Drive,

right on
Financial Problems Lane,

straight on I Should Have
Married Dennis Boulevard.

Just kidding,
it's by the Food for Less.

[doorbell rings]

Mitch isn't here.

He came home,
sold all his possessions,

and said he was gonna
jump off the Oakdale Bridge.

[all gasp]

And you didn't try to stop him?

No, he paid
six months up front.

You guys have to leave now.
I have a hooker coming over.

Thank you for your honesty.

All right, Jane, we've got
to make these Nerds last.

It's the only food
we have left.


[stomach growling]

If we don't make it
out of here,

I just want you to know,

my friend Princess Twinkles
isn't real.

- I know, Jing. I know.
- And sometimes she plays with knives.

[helicopter blades whirring]

This is your mayor speaking
on this bullhorn thing.

We've got you surrounded!

Return to the park and remove
the offending excrement!

- Never! It's gross.
- We'd rather die!

All right, that's it.
Storm the camper!

Body cams off!

[loud thud]
[glass shatters]

[both scream]


She's hopped up on Nerds.
Follow her.

- She's nuts!
- Did Mom and Dad vote for her?

Hurry, Annie.

It's our fault.
We gotta stop him!

Yeah, we can't
have two friends

who went cosmic bowling
with us then k*lled themselves.

If Mr. Mitch dies,
they'll put me in a class

with that teacher who talks
about his time in Vietnam

- while eating tuna fish.
- There he is!

Mr. Mitch, don't do this!


[both scream]

- Where's the water?
- We're gonna die!

[rope stretching]

We're gonna live!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna live!

You haven't figured out
we're on a bungee yet?

Bungee? Oh, fun!
We're gonna die!

So you don't want to die?

No, getting dumped
by you all and my ex

showed me I was needy
and afraid to be by myself.

I needed to prove
I could survive

something scary on my own,
and you did it, Mitch.

- You did it.
- Sorry we were so harsh

when you saved our house
from burning.

- This is boring.
- We really would like

to spend more time
with you, just in small doses.

Hmm, microdosing.
That sounds nice.

Wait, if you weren't
gonna k*ll yourself,

why'd you sell all
your possessions?

Oh, Kevin has sex on all
my stuff. He's a freak.

[dog barking]

- That's Mavis!
- Mom, Dad, help!

Mavis pooped,
and we won't pick it up.

And now we're on the run
from the law!

[sirens wailing]

Say goodbye to your parents.

- You're both gonna rot in juvie.
- Not today, Mayor Jen.

This is my dog, and I'll
pick up her poop all by myself.


[heroic music]

[scattered applause]


[applause building]

♪ ♪

[all cheering]



This is MTV's own
Herp-I reporting live

from Lake Havasu, where it's...

ALL: Spring break!

So what's the wildest thing
you've done

since you got here to the 'su?

Bong rips while
hang gliding, baby!

The wildest thing I did
was my boyfriend on a jet ski.

Love you, Clint!

- We played "Apples to Apples."
- And it was wild.

Uh, I walked to the ice
machine and I got sunburned.

Please don't
put me on camera.

I don't want to be
associated with them.

All right, who wants to
chicken fight us? [all cheering]


Oh, my God.

That dog just took
a dump on the beach!

Did I do that?

♪ In the arms of the angel ♪

♪ Fly away from here ♪
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