01x02 - Officers and Wolves

[bunniefuu]

Good morning,
simulation farmers.

This is the Pyromoth keeping you warm
on the Ribbon and cool in your heart.

This just in from Magistrate Hoops:

"Be careful downloading
unverified emoji packs.

Many contain spoofs, hacks, and viruses."

- And now a track...

...from Clint Smith's
new album, Sponge Cake Summer.

There's no such thing as...

- Thank you for having me!

Thank you for having me!

Master, I have something
I need to show you over here

if I could just have
a moment of your time.

Maybe in a second.

I'm messing around with this
new emoji pack I downloaded.

It's badass. Look at that.

Huh.

Love emojis.

Hmm.

f*cking upload it, you f*cking shitbags.

What the f*ck?

- Good morning, Clancy.
- Good morning, Computer.

Which universe will you choose today?

Uh... this one, this world.

- What?

Deactivate. Deactivate pop-up.

Deactivate pop-up now!

It's difficult to concentrate
when you're being yelled at...

by a friend.

Okay, just please deactivate pop-up.

What... what...
And decline.

Avatar purchase accepted.

f*ck!

Are you into this song?
Are you into the driving bass line?

Do you hear the sound
of the hoofed one in the forest, Master?

Do... you... Mast...

Good morning, Clancy.
Which universe will you choose today?

Good morning, Computer.

Hey, why do all these planets
have Xs on 'em?

Because they are dying, as I am dying.

You're not dying. You're a machine.

Look at that.
Send me to Clown Planet.

-That place looks fun.
-It's all right.

-You don't think clowns are fun?
-They're terrifying.

Come on!

- You come on.
- You come on.

-You come on.
-You come on.

No, you come on.
You come on, times a klobexia!

- What's a klobexia?
- I don't know. I made it up.

That's a good one. Simulate.

Merging with Simulator in three...

- ...two... one...

Whoa!

Drone One,
pull up some happy nature music.

Not that.

Yes!

As I stare out at this majestic scene,

I can't help
but think of my sister, Sarah...

...who said,
"Clancy, I'll loan you this money,

but you have to promise not to spend it
on a used Universe Simulator."

And I said, "Sarah, first of all,

I'm getting a really good deal
on a simulator,

and second of all,

there are beautiful, wondrous worlds
inside these old simulators,

full of intelligent beings
with stories to tell,

and I'm gonna interview them,
and put my interviews online,

and make a bunch of money
and pay you back, so suck my d*ck."

Here we see...

...the cycle of life.

A beautiful clown baby, freshly born...

...from...

his fruit.

Many clown babies now gather,

and singing their song of joy...

to these noble, peaceful deer-dogs.

"How are you doing?"
they say in their way.

Truly a scene from heaven.

Whoa!

Stop! Don't eat 'em! Hey!

What are you doing?
No, they're clown babies!

Why are you eating the clown babies?

sh*t.

Why does this always happen
in this f*cking thing?

Can't there just be, like,
one place where there...

Oh! Ah!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Just friends in a truck.

Hoo!

Hey, you mind if I interview you
for my video spacecast?

-Um, okay.
-You can talk?

- Sorry, what was your name again?
- Annie.

I'm Clancy.

- So sorry, I gotta set up for a second.
- Okay.

Basically,
this is just like a classic vid-stream.

So excited!
I've always wanted to do a spacecast.

Annie, welcome to Midnight Gospel.

This is... It's so cool!

My first question to you is, um,
are you worried?

Because it seems like
we're all about to die.

Hmm... It does feel that way,

but I've actually had
a lot of deaths in my life.

If you've read my stuff,

you'd know my dad d*ed very tragically
of brain cancer...

And then my best friend d*ed
after I had my baby.

-Good Lord!
-Yeah, and I've just been somebody

that if someone in someone else's family
is gonna die,

they know I've already been through it.

So, I've always been sort of summoned
because I don't feel scared about it.

And Neal, my partner,
is a hospice volunteer.

He's always coming home
from people he's just visited.

And so, I thought it was funny, yeah,
because there are so many young people,

and everywhere they went,
it was like, "Death, death, death, rot..."

When you're a kid, when you're young,

there's a lot more worms involved
in the discussion of death, right?

There are songs that go with it.

Oh, my God, worm songs!
I used to love worm songs, growing up.

Classic Worm Songs of the Sixties.
I had all ten albums.

You guys don't know this one.
Sorry, Annie. Go ahead.

Oh, well, when I was young,
my dad got so sick,

and this is in the mid-late '70s,
and you literally didn't mention death.

- It was bad manners.
- Hmm.

You were supposed to not notice,

you know, that they weighed 70 pounds.

Seems impossible!

Because we were polite.
We were children of the '50s.

Neal's heard this a thousand times,
but when my dad got sick,

we had a really dear friend
who also had cancer at the time, Susan.

They would sit outside the coffeehouse
and Dad would say,

"Susan, how's your cancer today?"

-Really loudly, you know?
-Nice.

And then my dad would say,
"Well, my cancer's..."

Susan would say, "My cancer's okay,
I think. Ken, how's yours?"

And he'd say,
"Well, I think I'm a little weaker."

And my first novel
was called Hard Laughter,

and it was about laughing
about this very hard stuff.

Then I got involved with reading
Ram Dass's books early on,

and that took away a ton of fear.

You're very... How old are you?
Do you mind my asking?

-Forty-four!
-Are you really?

God, you are so great-looking!
You have beautiful skin.

It's a blessing. There's no reason
to feel embarrassed. It's a blessing.

I think probably God
just loves you more than other people.

-Oh, you... That's...
-Yeah, that's how it works.

That's the Christian path, yeah.

-There is a hierarchical love with God.
-There definitely is.

But you may get a much nicer seat
in heaven because of it, too.

Like, near the dessert table,
or the cheeses!

-You're not fooling me?
-No, it's true.

- It's the cheese.
- The cheese and the baguettes.

But, anyway, so I think it's scary.

It's kinda tough stuff,
but if I were young...

Oh, my God, if I had had this information
at, you know, 30 and 40,

my whole life would have been
quantifiably better,

easier, much more free.

The information you're
talking about, acknowledging death

-is an inevitable part of...
-Yeah, it's so freeing to accept it.

Annie, that is so beautiful,
and I hate to ruin this moment,

but I'm gonna be honest,
I gotta take a sh*t.

Do you mind?

-I just need to use the bathroom.
-Oh! No, not at all.

Um, how are we going to do...

I don't know yet. I don't know.

I don't know what I'm supposed
to do, right this minute.

If you just put your head down
first... I'm so sorry!

- Oh! No. The...
- I'm sorry.

What...

Okay, how about this?

Back out of the stall, turn around,
and then walk into the stall backwards

and climb up over the toilet
with your back leg.

- Just stick your hooves right there.
- Like this?

Oh, my God, Anne, it's not funny. Please!

I'm trying. This is...

All right, I think this is
as far as I can go up.

This is gonna be a nightmare.
This one's gonna haunt my dreams.

Would it help if I sang a song
and closed my eyes?

Yes, Anne. It would help.

My mom used to sing that to me
when I was little.

I can't do this.

Oh, no!

- It's okay. Thank you.
- I can hum a different song.

No, but thank you. I'm gonna hold it.

Okay, but that's not good for you.

Oh! Whoop...

Sorry, g*ng. Have a great day.

When I cut you off,
we were talking about accepting death.

Yeah. All truth is a paradox,
and I hate that the culture tells you

that you will get over it.

I think that anytime anybody says
the words, "You'll feel better in time,"

they should be sliced in the ass.

My friend Joey Diaz told me that's one
of the worst things you could do to a man,

slice his ass,
'cause he can't sit down for weeks.

-Yeah, people who say that make me angry.
-If I could let go of this right now,

believe me, I would.

I don't love being in this clenched,
rashy state.

Do you feel like it all the time?
How often do you feel that?

The stuff that enlivens us and heals us
doesn't come on bumper stickers, you know?

It's hard-fought.

It takes death to help you let go.
You know, go, "Okay, fine."

Okay, fi...

- Oh, that's great!
- And that's...

Yeah, that's sort of how I had
my beautiful moment of surrender with God.

It's, I say with enormous bitterness,
"Okay, fine."

I love that! That's so beautiful.

- That's so pure and real.
- Good mantra.

Yeah, that's a mantra.

Yeah, okay, fine.

You know, so many artists
I've talked to, particularly comedians,

when they're confronted with the idea
of doing anything therapeutic

to help them with anxiety about death
or just when they consider healing

their broken, neurotic, fear-riddled mind,

they think that it's gonna destroy
their ability to be funny.

Do you ever think, "Well, wait!
Maybe if I encountered this early on,

I wouldn't have been such a great writer"?

Well, yeah, um, by the time I was sober,

I had four books out already,

and I had a career,
I had this whole thing.

I still live in the county
where I was born and raised. I'm 64.

You know, everyone I love and need,
everybody was there,

so I was loved out of
all sense of proportion.

And I felt terror
that if I stopped drinking,

I would never write again,
because I needed the misery.

Because I needed that edge.

- Right.
- And I... You know, and I...

And I needed the shame,
and I needed the raging sick ego.

And I felt that without those,
I wouldn't be sufficiently crazy enough

to even be funny anymore.

But that's one of the lies of the disease,
you know, or of the ego,

that if you are well
and if you're happy, the jig's up.

I think this, in Christianity,

this is one of the really cool things
about Christianity,

is that you get to use the word "Satan."

And I can't think of anything
truly more satanic than that thought,

a force in the universe telling you
that should you become happy and healthy,

then the thing you love
doing the most will suck.

- Yeah.
- Right.

- That's straight out of a... imp's mouth.
- I never told you this.

It made me think about it.
So, when I was 24, off I went to India.

I met Ram Dass over there,
and up I went to the Himalayas

and finally met my guru.

And I said, "So, how do I meditate?"
I was thinking "mantra," "meditate."

- I didn't know what I was talking about.
- Yeah.

] And he said,
"Meditate like Christ

when he was nailed to the cross.

He felt love, not pain.
He was lost in love with everything."

The next day, we went back.
I got Ram Dass to say,

"Well, how did he meditate?"
You know, this famous story.

And he just went back,
closed his eyes,

and tears came, and right then,
we experienced Christ in that moment.

And we were all Jewish,
who had no relationship...

I had never read the New Testament.

And then after, he used to say,
"Did you read his book?" "Huh? Who?"

"His book! Isa."

- Which is "Jesus" in Hindi.
- Yeah.

So, there is a tremendous teaching

that we got around Christ in India
before anything.

It was Christ and Hanuman,
they're the same. A service to man.

- And so, anyway, I...
- Yeah.

Um, one of the things that Bob,
our friend Bob, said...

It's pronounced "Bob-wah."

- Bob-u-wah!
- Hey, Bob-wah!

So, you know,
the thing she said that really struck me

is about what this fabric of our lives
is really about.

Yeah,
and just how we're connected to love.

Which is a tough word,
because...

It means romantic love to us
here in the West, but the Tibetans,

how they approach it,

love means how happy
you can make another person.

Right, yeah.

What the f*ck?
That kid took my eyeball!

This is truly the thing
that seems the most confusing to me

about the concept of love in general.

Think of generosity.

Think of when you start
thinking about somebody else

and wanting to give them anything.
That's what it's all about.

I was thinking, also,
what one of you guys said.

There's a story of a little girl...

...who's scared to death
to go to sleep in the dark,

and she keeps calling out for her mom,
and her mom'll come in and say,

"Jesus is right here with you.
Don't be afraid." You know?

And the child says,
"I need someone with skin on."

- Ah, yes!
- Right?

And that's what we need here sometimes.

Through love,
all pain will turn to medicine.

And Jesus says, "Everything I can do,
you can do." You know?

- Yes.
- He had a very human death.

- Yeah.
- He's in labor, you know?

And God never leaves him for a second.

You have not gone through labor yet.

- It's a big "yet" for you.
- It's a long time down the road!

And that...

You're just in a process.

It's contraction and release
and breath and peace,

and, "Oh, no, here, it's back!"

It's okay. Remember the last one?

You contract and you constrict
and then you release...

and you breathe.

And it's what heaven will be like.

- Beautiful.
- Absolutely.

A new pair of glasses,
and they give you ice chips

and some very cold apple juice.

Yeah, and then you know
what comes out? New life.

And that's what Jesus was saying.

He was saying, "I'm gonna do this.
Only love is holding me here."

If you were the only person on Earth,

Jesus would have d*ed
that humiliating and excruciating death

because he was in labor,
and he had this labor coach.

You know? Mother God.

Hmm.

- Beautiful.
- Beautiful. Wonderful!

- Thank you, Annie.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Duncan.

- You're welcome.
- This is...

Thank you! Are you kidding?
Can't believe I got to be here!

- My favorite people.
- Thank you!

- So lucky.
- Thank you.

Duncan? Who's Duncan?

Hmm.

Hmm.