01x06 - Vulture With Honor

[bunniefuu]

Go, you can do it! Come on!

Clom, have you been smoking again?
Let's go! Go! Go!

Come on, Ousley! You're at the front.
Go! Go!

Rondo, what are you doing?

It's the other direction!

How many times do I have to tell you?

Believe in yourself. Let's move!

What are you doing? You're sitting there!

-Hello.
-Clancy, it's Sarah.

Welcome to the official voicemail
of Clancy Gilroy.

Unfortunately, I'm too busy

working on my very successful,
very popular spacecast.

But leave a message
and either me or my assistant, Charlotte,

will get back to you.

Beep.

The fake voicemail thing
doesn't work anymore.

But that's okay. You don't have to answer.

- I just want you to know I love you.

And if this is about the money,
you don't need to pay me back.

I know you moved to the Ribbon
to get a new start,

but, Clancy, no matter where you go,

things are always gonna be the same
if you don't change.

To quote Mahatma Gandhi,

there is a place in a man's heart,

and wherever there's a rainbow,
you can be sure that God's footprints...

Voicemail full. Message not received.

- God.
- Good morning, Clancy.

Which universe will you choose today?

Give me a planet. Pull up a planet.
I need to do an interview.

What about this one?

Due to operator error,

there are no longer
living things on this planet.

What about this one? Or this one?

Or this one? Or this one? Or this one?
What's going on?

Master, when there is a big red X
on the planet,

-it means that, due to operator error...
-Wait!

This planet doesn't have an X.

Send me in here.

You chose 2-Way Mirror Bubble Planet.

Unfortunately, due to operator error,

all sentient bubbles on this planet
have popped.

From loneliness.

Wait! There appears to be one left.

Open view portal. Let's see who it is.

-Opening view portal.
-Thanks.

No, wait! Wait! Wait, wait!

Send me in. I can cheer him up.
Target Bubble Man.

No!

What the f*ck, Simulator?

You need to fix your operator errors
so that I can do my...

FAQ. Please read the FAQ.

Just open any of the 40 messages
I've sent to you... you... you...

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine!

F-A...

f*ck. Q.

Ooh, that looks good.

I was in a flooded basement
snorting cocaine with strangers

when a neighbor brought us
that Pie Messiah.

I ate one slice and it dawned on me
that the solution to my problems

was to bring a Pie Messiah
to my neighbors,

see, and ever since then...

- ...I've been free

of all my emotional pain.

Yes!

Ooh!

The pie is ready, Master.

More like "Pie Mess."

Very funny, Master.

Very funny.

Isn't it odd
that you can never see your own eyes?

Yep.

Come on, Charlotte.
Let's meet the neighbors.

Hmm.

Artifact detected in Elyfim 4.

Well, then, let's take what's ours
to glorify the Progenitor.

Sleeping...

...in the artifact cart again,
are we, maggot pig?

No no, no, Father.

I was simply meditating on your glories.

Simpering lies of a coward maggot.

Almost as bad as my krexing daughter.

Sorry, Father.

Oh, sorry to trouble you, my sweet child.

Wouldn't want to disrupt an artiste!

But there's actual work
that needs attending.

- Come on now.
- Dad!

It's time to harvest!

Simulator, take us
to the Elyfim 4 artifact. Make it quick.

I'll be in the control room.

Certainly, Master.

No breaks!

They're close, my sweet master.

Okay. Let's take a look.

I see nothing but ash.

Behold. A treasure
appears to lay beneath the ash.

By the Progenitor's beard,
a golden horn of hidden innocence!

What is that fetching at market
these days, boy?

Over five million, Master.

Wait, Father.
Maybe we can put her in the zoo.

And waste such treasure?

-Yeah, shut up, tart baker!
-I'm not a tart baker.

This horn will cover the cost
of three new simulators.

I brought you a Pie Messiah.

What? What is this?

Intruder.

Who dares trespass upon my dirty land?

Sorry, I left it in the oven too long.

Actually, It's not even supposed
to be ovenable. Not sure if that's a word.

You microwave it.
I don't have a microwave yet.

But I just wanted to stop by.
We haven't met.

I'm your neighbor, Clancy.

Wanted to say hi,
and I brought you a Pie Messiah.

Your interruption cost me 50 million,
outsider!

Father! Father! Father...

The horn. Did you get the horn?

No, Father, and the zygerd got away...

She lies, Father. She let the zygerd go
and now the horn is lost.

Daddy!

Stephreyus Gene Hitch! Ah!

I can't believe
that you've done this again.

Master, have you ever seen your own eyes?

Damn it, she's melting down.

Rub some green oil onto her.
Right now, boy!

I said now!

-I'm surrounded by idiots.
-What's that stuff for?

Oh, a joke.

We must have a comedian in our midst.

Thank you, yeah.
Well, I mean, I do have a sense of humor...

You're not funny at all!

Everyone knows
you need to massage lantern-head oil

into the simulator every day, twice a day,

or the worlds within
will not produce artifacts.

And the simulator could apopty...

Could apocalyptize, outsider.

And that means poof!

Poof! Poof!

- Wobble time.
- Okay.

Uh...

Well, it's great to meet you all.

Come by sometime. Just down the way.
Enjoy the pie.

Never come back!

Okay, I won't.

No big deal, not like I spent

all day making you a Pie Messiah.

You're gonna do that to the person
who lives right down the way?

We share vibes!

You're gonna do that to me?
You're gonna do that to your neighbor?

If someone brings you a pie,
you say thank you.

Hello, Eye Master. While you
were gone, I baked something for you.

-You did?
-You bet I did.

What? What did you bake?

Behold the Eye Messiah.

Oh, no.

I want to watch you
eat it, Master. Eat it, Master.

Have a slice.

Eat...

me...

please.

No!

Oh, man.

Simulator Repair, this is Captain Bryce.

Hey, Bryce.

My name's Clancy
and I think my simulator...

-Is pouring out purple smoke?
-Yeah.

What kinda suckspometer you runnin'?

-I don't know.
-Does it have looping ducts?

-I dunno.
-Suckling nodes?

-I don't know.
-Plate dilometers?

-I don't know.
-Accenuating vapors?

-Uh...
-Do you even know

what is going on in your simulator?

It's the ducts! I don't know.
Yeah, I guess.

- Let me go check it out.
- Captain Bryce...

Oh, God!

Why didn't you say there was a...

...can eat their own eyes.

Don't!

sh*t!

Captain Bryce, are you dead?

Whoo! Yeah!

Holy cow, son!

You've got a forbidden Velma 960
and she is fixing to wobble.

Wobble?

When was the last time
you rubbed green oil on it?

And where's your lantern head?

Bryce, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I don't understand
most of the words you're saying.

I just moved here from Earth.

I bought this acre real cheap online
and...

I don't know.
I kind of bit off more than I could chew.

Clancy, Captain Bryce
is gonna take good care of you.

Thanks, Captain Bryce.

And I won't tell anybody about
the highly illegal contraband simlife...

that you've been harvesting.

-What?
-I myself have harvested

magically-imbued life from a simulator.

Now you know my secret

and I know yours.

We are intertwined.

sh*t.

Holy moly, it's making more!

Come on, my boy,
let's locate your lantern head

and get some green oil on that Velma
before she wobbles us into shards of time!

Wait up, Captain Bryce.

Clancy, my boy, look at this.

Sparkle.

Sparkle?

The only thing that will stop
your simulator from apocalypticizing

is the green oil
from that beast over there.

Bryce, are we in any danger?

No. Not if you follow my simple rules...

...which I will sing to you right now.

Okay.

Holy moly!

Hustle, you tart baker!

Wow. You're a really good singer.

Oh, thank you, Clancy.

I'm not a professional, obviously.
It's just a part-time hobby.

It's just something I like to do
for many hours of the day.

Captain Bryce, what about this... this guy?

He seems fine.

This unlucky looter broke in and found
himself inside a patch of purple wobble.

-That's the kind that locks you in time.
-Shouldn't we get him out of there?

I'm afraid it's too late
for this sorry sap.

His heart's still ticking,

but his mind is pickled.

I'm gonna poke him out of there.

It's Brussels sprouts,
not brussel sprouts. Brussels!

Yep, just as I thought.

- Not brussel.
- He's pickled.

Rewinding this mush brain back
is the only humane thing left to do.

What the f*ck is "brussel"?

Hey, Bryce. What... What is...

What does the kind of wobble do
that's pee-pee yellow

and creeping up behind you?

There's no such thing, you fool!

Whoops, that's not in my rules!

Hey!

Clancy!

-What?
-You must go save Sparkle.

Harvest the green oil
and rub it into your simulator.

Destiny calls but once in a lifetime!

Uh...

I'll just go steal it from my neighbor.

Okay.

You gonna eat me now?

No. Shh!

- Eat me now.
- Get out of here.

- Please?
- Scat.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.
I was just checking on the Pie Messiah.

I wanted to make sure y'all liked it.

You think I could borrow
some lantern-head oil?

Funny story.
I didn't know my simulator needed any.

And now, I think it's about to...

- Intruder.
- Thanks for the pie.

Bye, Clancy.

Oof!

Ah!

Master, I can see my eyes.

I can see your eyes.

This is our eyes.

The eyes have it.

Good morning, Clancy.
Which universe will you choose today?

f*ck!

Hey, you okay, Clancy?

I'm f*cking fine, Bryce!

Okay. Bye.

All my work, it's gone.

How was I supposed to know
you needed f*cking oil every day?

- Master, I did tell you.
- No, you didn't. When?

I showed you a week ago.

- That's a week ago.
- I showed you the day before that.

Okay, twice.

-I told you in your hammock.
-Three times. Big f*cking deal.

-I showed you five minutes ago.
-Too late!

-Master, it's become clear to me...
-I don't need you to f*ckin' tell me...

...that you've been avoiding
dealing with the real world

-by going into my many universes.
-...how to live my life!

May I suggest
meeting my friend David?

-How the f*ck do you have friends?
-He lives on Buton 78914.

He's a meditation master.

I don't want to meet
your boring-ass friend David.

You could be Octopus Sheriff.

How about this...

Bon voyage, Master.

You failed, assh*le!

-Have fun.
-Shut up!

Intriguing on so many levels.

Hey, hi, Clancy. I'm David.

Why don't you take a seat?

Mmm. How about you take a seat
on my f*cking face, Mr. Meditation Man?

How does that sound
with your big dolphin smile

and your comfortable f*cking pants?

How does that sound?

Now you see who you really are?
Filled with f*cking rage!

Are you done?

Yeah, I'm done.

Let's take a minute together, okay?

Here are three principles
we could at least check out.

First one, silence.

Giving you room to listen.

Second one, stillness.

Giving you room to feel.

Third one, spaciousness.

Just giving you room.

This sucks.

It's literally the worst experience
of my entire life.

Why the f*ck
would anyone do this to themselves?

I wonder if I left the faucet on?
Man, bees are amazing.

My sister's allergic to bees.
That was pretty cool

when her face got all swollen,
her lips looked like clown lips.

I miss her. Sarah's cool.

Too bad I ruined that relationship.

My face itches.

Holy sh*t.

Whoa!

Monkey?

Monkey?

Oh! Monkey! Ow!

Monkey!

Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey! You're so cute, little...

Get your mother... Hey!

Shh.

I did it. David, I did it.

That's great. Have a good day.

Wait. Do you think
you could help me untangle myself?

Yeah.

Here we go.

The moment I just accepted where I was,
instead of wishing I was somewhere else,

everything just got better.

Fantastic.

It's like, for a second,
my thoughts weren't much of anything.

Like I...

-How do I say it? It's like I just "was."
-Oops.

Is that normal?

Yes. You see, Duncan...

Clancy.

Oh, okay.

If you're caught up in your story,

it's like living in a tiny apartment
with just enough room for you

and your little mattress.

The moment you get a little space
between yourself and your thoughts,

it's like moving into a much bigger house.

Then there's room to invite people in.

There's space for you.

And there's space for them.

That's spaciousness.

Cool.

Like, you're talking about
the thing where...

I've thought about this a little bit...

you could be living in a massive house,
but you're still a hoarder.

Even though the space is empty,

your mind is still filled up
with all of this stuff

that's making you miserable all the time.

Basically,
we're talking about psychological space.

Your mind is overcrowded.

That's it, yeah.

So then you go,
"What if I just emptied my mind?"

-Right.
-Just empty your mind.

Well, go ahead and try.

Can it even be done?

Yes. You could learn how to do that.

But it isn't the goal.

And a lot of people teach meditation

as if the goal is to treat your mind like
an unruly teenager and make it shut up.

-Right. It's aggressive.
-It's very aggressive.

So, just to be clear, you're sort of...
You're saying don't...

It's not like you're supposed to shove

some kind of butt plug
in the assh*le of your mind.

Shoving a butt plug
in the assh*le of your mind!

But corking up that part...

That idea of corking...

It's not the idea.

It seems more like it's accepting
there's this infinite swarm of thoughts

and that by understanding

that you're not necessarily as connected
to them as you thought, it allows...

-Which is what this is talking about.
-Right.

Yeah. You don't have to kind of grasp
and dwell on that

as the only solution
for continuing to be alive.

-Wow.
-There's another option,

which is to use the sense-percept
to arrive back at the present.

I get it.

I'm enlightened now.

-I thank you, my enlightened brother.
-Okay.

Now I will return to my world
and transform it forever.

-I just have one question for you.
-Sure.

On the way out the door.

How can you tell that you're feeling
that you are enlightened

and that you're gonna go save
all the other beings?

Mm-hmm.

Um...

Okay, cut to commercial.

I'm gonna walk out of the studio
right now.

Before you go, here.

Take this with you.

That's a good one, David. I get it.
You gave me nothing.

Take a closer look, Clancy.

Whoa.

Whoa.

-Thank you.
-Think nothing of it.

I'm back!

Greetings, Master.
Did you have fun talking to David?

- I did.
- Cool.

Did you see the monkey with the cape?

Yeah!

-Thanks, Computer.
-You're welcome, Master.

Hey, call me
Clancy, "the Enlightened One."

Oh, damn.

Boop. Boop.

Hey, Clancy?

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain Bryce.

I completely forgot
you were still over there.

Sometimes, the mind flies
get the best of us. It happens.

I'm sorry you're trapped in there, man.

Oh, no worries. I'm fine.

I finally have time
to really think about things, you know?

Gives me a whole new perspective.

That's great.

-Hey, Clancy, could you do me a favor?
-Yeah, sure.

If it's not too much trouble,

could I bother you
for a little something to eat?

Oh, yeah, sure thing.

Ah, num, num.

Ah, yes, you'll get two chariots when
you ascend to the spirit plane, for sure.

Thank you, good man.

You're welcome.

Chirp.