01x05 - Bad Romance

[bunniefuu]

JESS: That was the fifth expert

to dismiss my theory.

Your grandfather left you his house.

ESTATE LAWYER: There's probate,
renovations, tax liabilities.

HENDRICKS: Peter may have been off
his rocker for the past few years.

That doesn't mean his death
doesn't deserve to be investigated.

HENDRICKS: I'll support
you a hundred percent.

ETHAN: The rando hipster
guy who we thought

was following us to
Graceland? He was following us.

Billie really is still
keeping tabs on us.

- What is this place?
- Sadusky's Clue Room.

- It's locked.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder lockdown.

- Help!
- Help!

Ben's family tried to cr*ck the clue

about The Charlotte
for three generations.

He thought it was a woman.

The Charlotte was a ship.

The twin-tongued serpent was Sacagawea.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Intruder lockdown canceled.

Sacagawea hid the clue
in the journal Meriwether

dedicated to his Newfoundland dog.

The journal is at the
governor's mansion.

Aren't you glad we never dated?

- Yeah.
- JESS: Like Meena?

- How long have you guys been dating?
- About six weeks.

You must really like her.

There's no greater
treasure than lost time.

Not only do I have two
pieces of the treasure map,

I've just acquired a clue to the third.

No one knows about that recording
except me and my friends.

One of your friends

may not be your friend.

(BEEPING)

That girl stole this from Graceland?

KACEY: Wow, she's scrappy.

You gotta give her that.

Well, that little girl may be scrappy,
but she's no match for my tech.

DARIO: Watch this.

The feathered serpent.

An ancient Mayan snake
deity that appears

only twice a year during the equinoxes.

See, when the sun sets, the
serpent descends the steps.

It's an illusion caused
by the angle of the sun

and the shadow cast by the temple.

DARIO: Pretty amazing, right?

Let me just figure out
exactly where this is.

It's Chichen Itza.

BILLIE: Temple of Kukulkán.

Look, all this would be incredible

if we were looking for a serpent's tail.

T-A-I-L.

But I think the Elvis clue
was referring to a tale.

T-A-L-E.

Written by the twin-tongued
serpent, Cortés's translator

and member of the Daughters of
the Plumed Serpent, Malinche.

(SMACKS LIPS) Oh.

Oh?

"Oh" isn't gonna find it for us, Dario.

(INHALES)

Seriously, Wikipedia?

This is your "high tech," Dario?

(CLEARS THROAT) Um...

The Azcatitlan Codex mentioned Malinche,

but there's nothing written by Malinche.

According to the history
written by the conquistadors.

But maybe there's a codex
that nobody knows about.

If nobody knows about it,
how are we gonna find it?

Because we have well-to-do
friends in low places.

Sweeping for bugs is a waste of time.

Five minutes ago, you
were convinced it was Liam.

I know.

But I can't just accuse him of
something that I'm not sure of.

Well, we weren't bugged.

Liam's not a traitor.

He's doing this for
his dad, just like I am.

JESS: What about Oren?

He's an oversharer.

And we did play him the
clue the other night.

Nope. I already checked
his conspiracy subreddits.

Just his usual fringe theories there.

(PHONE DINGS)

TASHA: You're the history buff.

Liam is our Benedict Arnold.

- It's Liam.
- Ah...

Don't answer that honeypot.

What is he saying?

He wants me to go to the
governor's mansion with him

to check out Meriwether Lewis's Journal.

Just ghost him.

But why would he ask me to
go with him if he's the mole?

He's clearly using you to
feed information to Billie.

What if I'm wrong about Sacagawea?

I need to look at Lewis's
journal and find that clue.

Something tells me I better do it now.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

I have three million, four to my right.

Five, do I have five?

Uh, six in the front.

BILLIE: Beautiful pieces.

You know, the last time I saw them,
they were at the British Museum.

And now they're here at your
little black-market auction.

Don't worry, I won't tell.

Ms. Pearce.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

I come bearing gifts.

The one thing you've
wanted for a long time.

It belonged to the most
infamous Roman emperor.

Caligula's lost mosaic.

It adorned the bow of one
of his floating palaces.

Don't touch.

A pleasure barge of sorts. (INHALES)

Who knew one of history's most
cruel and unpredictable leaders

was also a boat guy?

What do you want for it?

Malinche's lost codex.

That doesn't exist.

I know you have it.

Whoever told you that lied.

Then the deal is off.

BILLIE: You have no idea how
many so-called experts assured me

there was no Malinche Codex.

Lost or otherwise.

It's actually not a codex.

It's Cortés's journal.

Malinche made several entries
in the Nahuatl language.

Here and here.

(EXHALES)

So she really did teach
herself how to write.

Amazing.

Don't you just love a persistent woman?

(THEME MUSIC)

("HOLD ON TILL MAY" PLAYING)

♪ She sits up high... ♪

You're awfully quiet.

Come on. What's up?

Billie got the Elvis clue.

Somebody leaked it.

Oh, that's bad.

Gets worse.

We think...

Actually, Tasha's convinced it's...

Liam?

You went there fast.

Do you think it's him?

No.

Liam opened his entire Clue Room to us.

Why would a traitor do that?

Look, I know you like him, and I get it.

He seems like a good guy, but...

I just don't think we can rule him out.

("HOLD ON TILL MAY" PLAYING)

MAN: Welcome to the Governor's Mansion.

Please only stay on the
designated museum areas.

We are open Mondays through
Fridays, : a.m. to : p.m.

This journal's been
scrutinized by historians.

If there was a clue, wouldn't
someone have noticed it by now?

People don't know to look for it.

To them, it's just a
journal about a dog.

Let's get to it before
Billie figures it out.

It should be this way.

- Lewis's journal was usually displayed here, right?
- What?

- Liam's here.
- So?

So he can't see me or
he'll know I'm ghosting him.

DOCENT: I'm sorry, but...

Lewis's journal is no longer on display.

To prevent it from deteriorating,

we only bring it up for special events.

Well, is there any way I can see it?

DOCENT: Come to the
Governor's Ball tomorrow.

Is that open to the public?

(CHUCKLES) Of course,

at dollars a head.

It's a fundraiser for the
governor's re-election campaign.

LIAM: Five hundred bucks?

Sounds like the opposite of public.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Thank you.
- Mm.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

LIAM: Hey, I'm gonna need you
to wire me the money today.

What?

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Liam was at the governor's mansion.

- Did he see you?
- No.

Hmm.

What?

Don't be mad at me.

I sent Liam a fake email

from his bank asking him
to change his password.

- You phished Liam?
- He fell for the oldest trick in the book.

That's not my fault. That's on him!

Anyway, it gave me access,

and come check this out.

Fifty thousand dollars was wired
into his bank account just now.

- Fifty thousand dollars?
- Yes.

Billie was willing to pay
you anything for that box,

I'm guessing she paid Liam off.

Trust no one.

TASHA: It's the only
thing that makes sense.

(INHALES)

I'm about to spend the next six hours

working right next to that weasel.

- What am I supposed to do?
- Well...

What you aren't gonna do is mention
anything about the treasure hunts.

Okay?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey.

You... you get my text this morning?

Sorry. (SIGHS)

Um, my phone d*ed earlier.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Ended up going to
check out that journal.

Couldn't get a look at it,
but it's gonna be on display

at the Governor's Ball tomorrow.

So I got us two tickets.

Two tickets?

Aren't those, like, super expensive?

No, it's...

It's no big.

I was able to swing it.

(INHALES)

So can you go?

Um...

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, you okay?

I, I thought you'd be pumped.

Hey, what's going on?

If this is about us yesterday,
I, I thought you were into it.

It's not about that.

(BOTTLES CLATTER)

Then, what is it?

Billie knows about the Elvis clue.

And she knew at the wake.

(EXHALES)

Wait.

You think that I told her about it?

How could you for a second imagine
that I would betray you like that?

For money?

- Maybe Billie paid you off?
- Seriously?

Then how do you explain the grand

wired into your bank account today?

You looked at my bank account?

I should've seen this coming.

This is what treasure
hunting does to people.

It makes you paranoid and
suspicious of everyone.

BILLIE: Just touched
down in Mexico City.

Please tell me my
investment in Jess's life

has coughed up more clues.

DARIO: Nothing yet. Keeping a lookout.

I mean, I'm partial to roses,

but, uh, I'll settle for... yard waste?

Actually, it's English yew.

And it's toxic.

Sometimes deadly.

Gee, thanks.

I found it in Sadusky's study.

Good work, agent, but English
Yew doesn't usually k*ll a person

unless they already have
one foot in the grave.

Then, it can cause cardiogenic shock.

Sadusky was .

I'll take a look at
his stomach contents.

I, I know there's a lot
riding on this for you.

My boss signed off on it, actually.

- That's great! Congrats!
- Thank you.

I Googled you.

You were top of your class at Quantico.

I told my mom to take
that off her Facebook page.

Well, she's obviously
really proud of you.

Just makes me wonder
what "top of her class"

is doing in
bottom-of-the-ladder Baton Rouge.

All FBI agents must be
willing and able to serve

anywhere in the FBI jurisdiction.

They tell you that day one.

UNIVERSITY OF MEXICO CITY MEXICO CITY

♪ Y ahora de día ♪

♪ Yo que decía que no bebería ♪

♪ Y sigo aquí contigo todavía ♪

(" / " BY BECKY G. PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DOOR CLOSES)

BILLIE: Do I look like a student?

You flatter me, Professor.

I was hoping you could
translate something for me.

Cortés's journal.

Malinche made several entries
in it, in the Nahuatl language.

Amazing.

A girl called me recently asking
about Malinche's lost writing.

She was very insistent.

I told her it didn't exist.

This is one of Malinche's entries.

I need you to translate it.

JESS: I guess the governor
is a fan of Ethan's mom's art.

He came through with a
free ticket to the ball.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I did.

But now Liam will be there.

And if he's working with Billie,

they'll probably be there together.

And worse, does it even
matter if we get the journal?

I mean, Liam has the entire Clue
Room plus Billie's resources,

- and we have...
- Stop it.

Friends don't let
friends go full spiral.

Listen,

we got pictures of the box.

And your brain and they don't.

A million points for Gryffindor.

What? That was a pep talk.

You should have seen how hurt Liam was

when I confronted him at the club.

Jess, the boy is guilty.

He may not be U-G-L-Y, but
he sure ain't got no alibi.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
- OREN: Hey.

Can I, uh... Can I
hang here for a while?

Um, sure.

Are you okay?

Yeah, uh, Ethan and Meena we're
having morning-after breakfast,

and I felt like a third
wheel, so I had to bounce.

OREN: What is this?

- TASHA: Oren, please don't touch that.
- (CLICKS)

- (BEEPING)
- Whoa!

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

It's green.

- Shh!
- (MUFFLED GROAN)

- OREN: What the...
- Give it.

(MUFFLED) What the hell...

- (BEEPING)
- (GASPS)

(OREN BABBLING)

- Stop squirming!
- No, no!

Those cost half a g!

Jess, you... Just...

Hey!

Shh!

- (MOUTHS)
- Those are just...

(FRUSTRATED GRUNT)

- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- (GRUMBLES)

(PEN RASPING)

(CLICKING)

What's up, y'all? It's Oren Bradley here

with yet another sneaker
review. And let me tell you,

- I had not been this excited...
- No.

- ... about strap sneakers since my...
- No. Not my Inversions.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- JESS: What are you doing?

- In my years of existence.
- Giving Billie something to listen to.

- Truly you guys are not been...
- OREN: Not, my baby.

My baby, my baby.

So Liam's not the mole,
Oren's shoe's the mole.

(OREN GASPS)

I look ridiculous.

When was the last time you wore those?

You don't follow my sneaker Insta?

- No.
- Absolutely not.

Okay.

Let's see, shall we?

Oh.

When I came over for trivia night.

And we played you the Elvis clue?

- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
- So...

- not Liam.
- Mm.

Oren's shoe.

Whoops.

It's my bad.

No, it's okay. (INHALES)

I was convinced too. (SIGHS)

Are you sure this belonged to Cortés?

Oh, yes.

Provenance has been
confirmed and carbon-dated.

Cortés famously wrote five letters

to the Emperor Charles
the Fifth, ruler of Spain,

who was very anxious to hear about
his investments in a New World.

Here is one of them.

This is Cortés's handwriting.

See the little pen stroke flourishes?

Cortés put flourishes everywhere,
except on his capital G.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(BREATHES FAINTLY)

He sold me a fake.

I doubt whoever sold this
to you knew it was a fake.

DR. TORRES: I know
what you're looking for.

The Pan-American treasure.

What do you know about it?

That it's a myth.

Malinche was a traitor to her people.

She didn't leave behind
any treasure maps.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

New song?

I'm sorry.

I knocked, but...

I came to apologize.

I know you're not the mole.

Yeah.

Well, I told you it wasn't me.

Look, I don't expect you to forgive me,

but can you at least look at me?

You know...

I'm used to people writing me off.

(SCOFFS)

I guess I just thought
you were different?

If anyone should have given you
the benefit of the doubt, it's me.

Because I've never
gotten it before, and...

- I know how bad it feels.
- You?

How's that even possible?

It's just how it is.

The minute someone's milk
money went missing at school,

whose backpack do you
think they checked first?

The scholarship kid with the
last name no one could pronounce.

I can't even imagine
what that feels like.

- I'm so sorry.
- What?

No, I wasn't trying
to make you apologize.

I was trying to apologize.

You were right.

I'm sorry.

Hunting for treasure made me paranoid.

The pressure got to me.

Can you forgive me?

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Out of curiosity, what was that k for?

(CHUCKLES)

That was dumb. I'm sorry.

No, I, I can tell you.

No, it's none of my business.

Let's get back to kissing.

No, you wanna know so bad?

I never wanted to know anything less.

Fine, fine. Then I won't tell
you that my mom lent me the money

to help pay the property
taxes on this stupid house

that I don't even want.

Wow.

That's so boring.

We can't go back to kissing after that.

Oh, come on, I was saving my
exciting stories for the ball.

We're still going, right?

Any chance you own a tux?

No.

Never even worn one.

But I think I know someone who did.

♪ Hoy que ya no estás ♪

♪ Pude descrifrar ♪

♪ Tú eras la mentira ♪

Wow!

(IN SPANISH) Miralo!

Your, your grandpa
was full of surprises.

His tux looks good on you.

- Except it's, uh, it's a little big.
- Don't worry.

I know the best tailor in town.

KACEY: We'll find Malinche's Codex.

I have two other dealers
that I can hit up.

BILLIE: There is no codex.

Missed something.

They found the bug and they put us
in a loop of Oren's sneaker channel.

- Hmm?
- Listen to this.

OREN: This is the best thing
Michael Jordan has done

since Space Jam. Like...

- (BEEPS)
- (CLICKS)

(GARBLED CHATTER)

This is the best thing Michael
Jordan has done since Space Jam.

Like, look at this shoe...

See.

Interesting.

That means they're having conversations
they don't want us to hear.

Surveillance just caught Liam and
Jess leaving Sadusky's house...

with a tuxedo.

Find out where they're going.

(PHONE CLICKING)

Wait, wait, wait.

BILLIE: Zoom in.

Zoom in on her necklace.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

The medallion.

BILLIE: It was worn by the
women who hid the treasure.

The Daughters of the
Plumed Serpent Medallion.

(BILLIE SIGHS)

Can't be. They're dead.

- Who's dead?
- BILLIE: Rafael Rios,

his wife, and his baby.

- Rafael Rios, the treasure hunter?
- Yes.

He was k*lled, and his
wife and his daughter

d*ed trying to cross
the border years ago.

At least, everyone thought they did.

You think Rafael Rios is Jess's dad?

BILLIE: It's the only
thing that makes sense.

Rafael had one of the
only surviving medallions

of the Daughters of the Plumed Serpent.

Guess we know why Sadusky
gave her that clue.

This changes everything.

Okay, so the only black-tie event

that I can find is the Governor's Ball.

Doesn't seem like their kind of party.

Of course.

Lewis and Clark.

BILLIE: The clue.

Meriwether Lewis was
governor of Louisiana.

BILLIE: Right after
the famous expedition,

Lewis was on his way
to deliver a journal

to the president in Washington, DC.

He checked into an inn where
he was found, later dead.

sh*t twice, once in the
stomach, once in the head.

His death was ruled a su1c1de

but... it was a cover-up,

an obvious cover-up
to steal the journal.

BILLIE: One of surviving
journals from the expedition

is at the governor's mansion

and it was written by
Meriwether Lewis about his dog.

Guess what the breed of dog is?

What?

Newfoundland.

Lewis was m*rder*d
for the wrong journal.

Jess is going to that ball to
take a look at that journal.

BILLIE: Clever girl.

Just like her father.

KACEY: Looks like we're
going to that ball.

♪ I'm tryin' ♪

♪ 'Cause you're everything I've
spent my whole life fightin' ♪

♪ So when I walk away... ♪

Perfect.

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

I don't think I can do this.
(NERVOUS SIGH)

It's not really my scene. You know?

You wanna see that journal,
you got to do it in a tux.

That's what black-tie means.

It's the only way in.

OREN: You ready?

Welcome to Oren Bradley's
Cruelty-Free Spring Fashion Show.

♪ I always let the good ones go ♪

OREN: Imagine it...

with a shirt on.

Or not.

("GOOD ONES" BY CHARLI XCX PLAYING)

ETHAN: What's going on here?

(OREN EXHALES)

Jess and Liam are going
to the Governor's Ball.

Wait, so who's...

It was Oren's shoe.

I don't understand.

Oh, it's a long story,

but it's all good.

And now Liam and I are
going to the ball together.

Okay, but my mom only
got you one ticket.

Right, but Liam bought two,

so now we have an extra.

MEENA: Oh, I have an idea.

I'll buy a ticket, and
then you and I can go too.

Double date at the biggest
bash in Baton Rouge.

Yeah, fun.

ZEKE: Agent Ross!

Dr. Zeke!

Hi, what are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Turns out your suspicions were
right. The English yew k*lled him.

Really?

Well, I mean, if you believe in science.

Not everybody does these days.

(CHUCKLES) Definitely a believer.

Thank you for this.

No problem.

So, uh, you, you got any suspects yet?

Uh, the grandson, initially,
because he inherited Sandusky's house

but... (INHALES)

... he's this loner musician type.

I just don't think he k*lled his grandpa

to fast-track to
homeownership, you know?

Yeah.

The, uh, loner musician gathers no moss

because he doesn't...

doesn't put down roots. (CHUCKLES)

Right.

And then there's the
grandson's girlfriend,

who was the last
person to see him alive.

Well, you know, uh, the last
person to see a victim alive

is always a prime suspect.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Exactly.

Except she admitted that to me when
she came in to report a kidnapping.

Why would a m*rder*r do that,
or come into the FBI at all?

- Kidnapped? Who, who was kidnapped?
- I don't know. She wouldn't tell me.

It was this crazy story. I
thought it was a joke, but then...

(GASPS)

Oh, man. I got to go, but I owe you one.

ZEKE: Yeah. Uh, coffee sometime?

I like anything with
the word "Nitro" in it.

You got it.

(LINE RINGING)

This is Agent Ross from
the FBI field office.

I need to request some security footage.

So you got a plan figured out? (GROANS)

We're just gonna go in, open the
journal, and take some pictures.

Isn't it under lock and key?

JESS: Well, it's a digital lock

that I was hoping you could
find the factory reset on?

If you know the make and model.

What about security cameras?

- It's the Governor's Mansion.
- Oh.

He values his privacy.

- (LAUGHS)
- OREN: Hey!

Oh, why is he always here?

It's like he never left.

Just here to pick up my baby!

Hey!

Hey.

- There he is.
- TASHA: Here you go.

Bug-free.

(MORTIFIED) Oh, my God.
You cut up the sole.

TASHA: Oren, that's
where they hid the bug.

I was gonna wear these
tonight to the ball.

What?

Since when are you going?

Since I begged Ethan to get me in?

And that place is gonna
be crawling with big sh*ts.

That's when I can pitch
my sneaker business

to people with money.

So he got us a table.

We're all going.

- Even you, Tash.
- (GASPS)

I'm gonna go get ready.

And I gotta do my hair.

Tasha, I need to prove my mom was right.

I just can't risk anything going wrong

and that party is gonna be
crawling with politicians.

I, Tasha Rivers,

can completely handle myself
at a political fundraiser.

I promise.

And what if Billie shows up?

You're gonna need me.

Well then, I guess we're both gonna
have to find something to wear.

Let's do it.

♪ I'm in the stars tonight ♪

♪ So watch me bring the fire
and set the night alight ♪

TASHA: Ba ba boom.

(TASHA CHUCKLES)

It's like prom all over again.

Please don't mention prom.

Okay, but we are in our prom dresses.

These are vintage. They're
never going out of style.

Here.

Make sure you pump the brakes twice.

All right?

(TASHA CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Check it. (SIGHS)

Full slayer mode.

You look amazing.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ENGINE REVS NEARBY)

Excuse me.

Gentlemen are required to wear a tie.

What happened to the tie I gave you?

The clip broke.

What if I just button my collar?

This is the Governor's Ball.

ATTENDANT: You're already
pushing it with the blue tux.

That's okay.

I have an idea.

OREN: Fashion triage.

Come on, MacGyver.

MacGirl.

OREN: I gotta pitch that.

Am I making you nervous, Valenzuela?

Shut up.

- Hm?
- (CHUCKLES)

JESS: There.

Perfect.

(FAINT MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(DISTANT CHATTER)

("DYNAMITE" PLAYING)

- TASHA: Hey.
- OREN: Oh.

- So you guys are already here.
- MEENA: Retro dresses.

You two just crushed
every ball gown here.

TASHA: Ethan, I must say,

your girlfriend has incredible taste.

I like to think I'm
the one with good taste.

(CHUCKLES)

- Let's do this.
- Yeah.

The faces are here, y'all.

What's this?

Just a list of things you
can't say or do tonight.

What?

I expressly came here to, uh,
say and do all these things.

Where are your mom's sculptures?

Upstairs. Come on, I'll show you.

("DYNAMITE" PLAYING)

OREN: Whoa.

These people are blinged-out.

Everyone here is straight-up loaded.

Did you see that guy who just went by?

- You mean Senator Waller?
- Yeah.

More like Senator Baller.

Dude was wearing a , -dollar Rolex.

k for a watch?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I mean, uh, I am sure

there is a perfectly legal and ethical,

even, story on how he
acquired said watch.

So I heard from the band that this ball

is actually a surprise
birthday party for the governor.

Okay? They're bringing out cake,
champagne, the works, at : .

So we have less than
an hour until all eyes,

including security,
will be on the governor.

Yeah. A perfect time to get a
private look at that journal.

(WHISPERS) Okay, let's move.

(FAINTLY) Okay, um...

So I know you said the
journal would be on display

but how about we make sure it's there?

LIAM: You're a double-checker, I get it.

I am, and it's a lifestyle.

So you might wanna unfollow right now.

Can't, I already liked and
subscribed. And who knows?

Maybe we'll get to look at
it quick and get out of there.

Yeah. I'm already sick of you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Whoa.

LIAM: There is Meriwether's journal.

Didn't expect all these people
to be in here. It's like a...

private nerd party.

Yeah, who looks at books at a party?

I mean, besides us.

That's okay.

The room will clear out the minute
they start singing "Happy Birthday".

Except for the guards I'm sure
they'll keep making the rounds.

I'll keep a lookout while you
take pictures of the pages.

Yeah, it should only take
five minutes at the most.

And you're sure you know how
to factory reset the lock?

Tasha showed me how
to do it three times.

I had it on at first,
but she's very thorough.

Good.

Then we're in and out.

Solve the clue later.

Yeah. Crab claws for everyone.

Deconstructed gumbo?

Uh-uh.

That right there is
colonialism on a plate.

Okay, have a crab leg.

That's still being complicit, Oren.

Think about it like this, okay?

We're here for free.

Mm.

Everyone else

paid to come kiss the governor's butt.

So, essentially,

we're sticking it to the man

with every crab leg we eat.

I'm right?

Okay.

Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey.

I heard you and Ethan are official now.

Very cool.

Thanks.

I really like him.

And I know he really likes you.

I mean, he went golfing with you.

What?

Ethan doesn't like golf?

Well, yeah...

No, except miniature golf.

Oh, he never told me that.

Does he think he can't
be himself with me?

No.

He's trying to impress you.

Trust me, he's refused to
play golf with plenty of girls.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Keith, let me tell you.

Small-batch manufacturing

is the way of the future, right?

Buyers are craving innovative
ideas from independent artists

that can be replicated and promoted

in a marketplace demanding freshness.

OREN: Keith if I'm being honest,

all me and my sneaker designs need

is that one manufacturing partner.

Someone who aligns with
my high expectations.

So what do you say?

Email me the business proposal.

Thank you.

(GRUNTS) Yeah, okay.

I just talked to the
richest guy in the room.

- Hm.
- Keith Heisler.

Oh, my God.

I need to take a selfie
to immortalize this moment.

Absolutely not. No.

We don't need any
evidence that we were here.

It's bad enough my DNA's on this fork.

Hey, "no selfies" is third
on the list I gave you.

See?

(BAND PLAYING "BAD
ROMANCE" BY LADY GAGA)

OREN: Oh, my God!

- You guys!
- (LAUGHING)

- Absolutely not.
- No.

OREN: No, you have to.

What are the odds that
they would play this song?

It's obviously a sign.

Yeah, a sign you've lost your mind.

TASHA: So, this is the song
Jess and Ethan danced to

at their middle school cotillion.

And they crushed the competition.

Aww, I did cotillion too.

What's cotillion?

Exactly. Nobody cares.

But they also reprised it at prom
when the song randomly came on,

and people freaked out.

Oh, well, now I gotta see it.

Come on, give us a little reunion tour.

The cake's coming out in...

less than ten minutes.

Uh, so, songs are, like, two.

LIAM: Come on, show us what you got.

(BAND PLAYING "BAD
ROMANCE" BY LADY GAGA)

- (LAUGHS)
- Yes!

Yes!

Come on!

OREN: This is gonna be great.

Watch this. They always
clear the dance floor.

FEMALE SINGER:
♪ I want your love... ♪

It's been five years.

Doubt I even remember the steps.

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ Romance ♪

♪ I want your love and
I want your revenge ♪

♪ You and me could
write a bad romance ♪

♪ I want your horror,
I want your design ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a criminal
as long as you're mine ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ Love, love, love, I want your love ♪

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Hey, don't look down.

Look at me.

Always.

♪ I want it bad, your bad romance ♪

♪ I want your love and
I want your revenge... ♪

Thank God for muscle memory.

Never doubted us.

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

- (GUESTS CHEER)
- ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Caught in a bad romance ♪

♪ Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Roma, roma-ma ♪

♪ Gaga, ooh-la-la ♪

♪ Want your bad romance ♪

♪ Walk, walk, fashion baby ♪

♪ Work it, move that bitch crazy ♪

- ♪ Walk, walk, fashion baby ♪
- (GUESTS CHEERING)

♪ Work it, move that bitch crazy ♪

- ♪ You know that I want you ♪
- (GUESTS GASPING)

- ♪ And you know that I need you ♪
- (GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

- Oh, boy.
- ♪ I want it bad ♪

♪ Your bad romance ♪

♪ I want your love... ♪

TASHA: Are you sure
this was a good idea?

You remember last time
they did this at prom?

Hey, don't they say if
you remember history,

it won't repeat itself?

♪ I want your love and
I want your revenge ♪

♪ You and me could
write a bad romance ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Caught in a bad romance ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Caught in a bad romance ♪

GUEST: Whoo-hoo!

(APPLAUSE)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Where's Liam?

- Where's Meena?
- They were...

They were just here. So weird.

Meena, wait!

We shouldn't have danced that dance.

The cake is coming out any second.

I need to find Liam.

Oh.

(CLICKING)

(CHIMES)

Come on, bubble.

(LINE RINGING)

LIAM (ON VOICEMAIL): Hey, it's Liam.
Leave a message.

Okay, you're ghosting me. I get it.

But that dance wasn't
what you think it was.

Hey, you okay?

That was, um...

That was quite a dance.

(EXHALES)

It's just a silly routine
we learned in middle school.

There's nothing silly about
the way you were looking at her.

Meena, it's...

(INHALES) We're just friends, okay?

- I swear.
- Yeah.

You might be just friends,

but I'm pretty sure
you wish it were more.

It's not like that. I truly like you.

And I truly wanna believe you.

But you need to be sure about
who you really wanna be with.

Anyways, I know I'm rambling

but can we please just
finish what we started?

Find me.

GUESTS: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

(THRILLING MUSIC)

Liam!

(THRILLING MUSIC)

Hey, you! Freeze!

GUARD: You stole the journal.

In progress burglary. Female
suspect exiting the library.

Brunette, purple dress.

(LOUD POUNDING)

Why is she not texting back?

Have you tried tracking her?

Oren, how did I not think of that?

TASHA: Yes.

Okay. So she's still
somewhere inside the mansion.

That's good.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(CHIMING)

(CLICKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

GOVERNOR: Cheers!

- GUESTS: Cheers.
- Uh...

Shame on all of y'all fat wallets!

Wining and dining while
our public schools crumble,

while our aging senior population
experiences food insecurity.

TASHA: Shame on everybody here.

TASHA (CHANTING): Hey-hey, ho-ho!

Politicians gotta go.

- Hey-hey, ho-ho! Yeah!
- Hey-hey, ho-ho!

- Small business' taxes gotta go!
- Has gotta go!

What the hell are you doing?

I got your back. I'm
fighting for the people.

Oren, that's the opposite
of what you're doing.

- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
- Hey-hey, ho-ho!

Grab these, grab these.
Politicians gotta go!

- TASHA: Hey-hey, ho-ho!
- Hey, you!

The people's blood is on your hands!

- What she said!
- It's on your hands!

- Y'all need to leave.
- (BANGS TRAY)

TASHA: So...

what's it gonna be?

Youth activism.

We love to see it.

GOVERNOR: Thank you for bringing
these matters up to my attention.

I promise I'll work
hard to earn your vote.

- (LAUGHS)
- (GUESTS APPLAUDING)

- (GUESTS MURMURING)
- GOVERNOR: Just to win.

(SIRENS BLARING IN DISTANCE)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIRENS BLARING)

(HORN HONKING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SIRENS BLARING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Get in.

(SIREN BLARING)

(PANTING)

- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC)