04x04 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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04x04 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Post by bunniefuu »

I don't know, Iola.

This one doesn't
look quite right.

Of course not, Thelma.

It's supposed to be
an octopus pincushion.

It's got to have eight
little tentacles, see?

Well, either way,
they're ugly as sin.

They're not, these are
gonna be the hottest seller

at the church bazaar.

Oh, come off it, Iola.

Nobody with an ounce of taste

is gonna go for these
eight-legged fuzz balls.

Ms. Harper, have you seen... Oh!

A yarn octopus!

I just love these things.

Why am I not surprised?

Has Vinton come back from
the sale at Niedermayer's yet?

He's buyin' us a
brand-new bed at half price.

It's called the
Carousel of Love.

Good Lord, not one
of them round beds?

Yep. 360 degrees
of rotatin' comfort.

And while it turns,

it plays "The Temptation Tango."

Well, let's just hope it comes
with seat belts and earphones.

Oh, there's Vinton's pickup now.

Bubba, come on down

and help your uncle
carry in my new bed!

He brought it home on the truck?

Well, sure. Who wants to pay
a five dollar delivery charge?

Hold on, let me give you a hand.

No need, Bubba.

I can handle this baby myself.

Wow! Is that an SP-2000?

Yeah. Isn't it a beauty?

What is that?

That is a graphite
bait-caster rod

with double-wrap ferrules

and a self-adjustin' drag reel.

It looks like a
fishin' pole to me.

Honey, put that silly thing
down and go get our bed.

This isn't a silly
thing, skeeter.

This is the best rod and
reel that money can buy.

Just how much money
are we talkin' about?

Plenty.

I saw Bert Convy
fishin' with one of these

on "Lifestyles Of The
Rich And Famous."

Vinton, where is my bed?

You-you see, baby, it's
got what they call sensubite.

See? If a fish so much as
looks cross-eyed at it, it knows.

Get that sensubite out
of my face. I want my bed.

Now, Naomi, there's
no need to get all upset.

True, I didn't get the bed,
but I had a good reason.

This one I gotta hear.

- And what was that?
- This was a much better deal.

Those beds are
always goin' on sale.

The SP-2000 never does.

I got that baby for 250
bucks off the retail price.

Vinton, how much did
that damn thing cost?

Oh, butt out, Ms. Harper. It
doesn't matter how much it cost.

- He is taking it back!
- I am not.

You are too. Now that
was both of our money.

It should've been spent on
something we both can use.

Well, we both can use that.

I don't fish.

Well, that's why that
was such a great deal.

I got 'em to throw in the
scaler and de-gutter for free.

Oh, we can have a ball, baby.

I catch 'em, and you clean 'em.

Vinton Harper, I am not
askin' you, I am tellin' you.

Take that silly thing back
and bring me my bed.

You got no right to tell me
what to do. That's Mama's job.

Well, now, how'd
I get into this?

Vinton Harper, either that
fishing pole goes or I go!

Oh-h-h, I hate it
when you do that.

Every time you don't get your
way, you say you're leavin'.

This time I'm
calling your bluff.

This is mine.

I've wanted this
Sp-2000 all my life,

and you're not
makin' me take it back.

Well, fine.

I hope it keeps you warm

on those long,
lonely nights ahead

because I sure won't!

Well, I'll bet the neighbors
are just lovin' this.

Oh, never mind the
neighbors. Go ahead, you two.

There is nothing more to say.

I am moving in
with Luann Fayette.

Ms. Harper, please
forward my mail

to the Wagons, Ho,
Trailer Park on Route 5!

Oh, now, Naomi. You don't
wanna move way out there.

They don't even get cable.

She watches too much
TV anyway. I say let her go.

Naomi, I am warnin' you

you take one step out that door

and it is goodbye forever.

I see!

Goodbye, Ms. Harper.

Iola.

Goodbye, Bubba.

Goodbye, cold and
dreary basement.

Goodbye, lumpy sleeper sofa!

Goodbye, nosey neighbors!

And to you, Vinton Harper,
and your sensubite...

goodbye forever!

I'm not fallin' for this, Naomi!

You're not goin' anywhere!

Quit your kiddin'!
Come back in here!

You'll be sorry if you
put that truck into drive!

Go ahead, see if I care!

Oh, no, Mama,
what am I gonna do?

Oh, now, baby, that's alright.

You still got all of us.

Oh!

Vinton, come on, get dressed.

It's time for your
fishin' trip with Bubba.

Oh, let him go without me.

I'll never be able to face
a largemouth bass again.

Still thinkin' of Naomi, huh?

Lord, this place is a pigsty.

Vinton, why don't
you pick it up?

No, Mama. I want it to stay

just exactly the
way Naomi left it.

Oh, Mama, she's gone,
she's gone, she's gone.

I know, I know, I know.

You know, Vinton, you've been

mopin' around down
here for three days.

You gotta snap out of this.

That's easy for you to say.

Nothin' like this has
ever happened to you.

You wanna bet?

Mama... you mean, you
got separated from daddy?

Well, let's just say he
got separated from me.

Your daddy came down with
a case of the seven-year itch.

Actually, it was about 14
years into the marriage.

Carl always was a little slow.

You mean he just
up and walked out?

Yep, left me a note sayin' he
was lookin' for something more.

- Who the hell wouldn't?
- You must've felt terrible.

Well, for a few days, I
was pretty broken up.

Maybe you remember it. I
was real crabby with you kids.

Well, that could've
been any time.

Anyway, one mornin' I got up

and I looked at myself
in the mirror and I said

"Thelma, not another tear."

I got myself all dolled up,
gave me a henna rinse.

I went downtown, I landed
me the first job I applied for.

You got a job?

I was gonna be the head hostess

at Martinelli's
Restaurant downtown.

Oh, that place was so beautiful.

All the walls were painted
with scenes from Italy.

In one whole section the
booths were made like gondolas.

The Venetian Room,
they called that.

Oh, I tell you, that place
was really high-tone.

- So, what happened?
- Nothing.

The day before I was supposed
to start workin' your dad showed up

on his knees, beggin'
for forgiveness.

So I took him back.

I never could resist
a man in that position.

Well, I'm glad you
got back together.

Oh, me too, baby.

Still I can't help but wonderin'
what it would've been like

a life of glamour at
Martinelli's, and no Carl.

Mama, what are you sayin'?

What I am sayin', Vinton

is don't let the
gondolas pass you by.

Get out and start
enjoyin' your life

before your wife
comes back and ruins it!

Oh, I just can't keep
my mind on my work.

This thing looks like
a Smurf with tentacles.

Oh, Thelma, your
family is bein' torn apart.

Naturally, your octopi
are gonna suffer.

I swear, Iola, I don't know what
I'm gonna do about them two.

You mean there's no
hope of a reconciliation?

Down, girl.

Poor Vinton is
like a little lost soul.

I haven't seen him this upset

since they canceled
"Howdy Doody."

Hi, Vint.

Hi, Iola.

Well, you like you could
use some cheerin' up.

What say I make
you a special dessert?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not hungry.

Not even for your favorite
checkerboard cake?

With walnuts on top?

I'll get started
on it right away!

Oh, for pity sakes, Iola

checkerboard cake
takes forever to make.

You gotta mix two
separate batters

and use 'em special pans.

Nonsense!

It doesn't take more
than five or six hours.

Vinton, in case
you haven't noticed

that woman is eyein'
you like a vulture

stakin' out a wounded moose.

Hah! Check it out, Uncle Vint.

This sensubite really works.

Bubba, if you don't get them
drippy fish outta my livin' room

you're gonna have sensu-butt.

Let's see if the
scaler and de-gutter

works as well as
the rod and reel.

Uh, no, thanks, Bubba.

I got too much on my mind.

Oh. Well, okay.

Come on, Vinton,
it'll do you good.

There's nothin' like lookin'
at a fish with no insides

to make your own problems
seem small. Come on.

Go on, go on, go on.

Well, what the...

Well, Naomi?

Come on in.

No, not while Vinton is home.

Could you come talk to
me on the porch, please?

Well... this is silly.

Why don't you just come inside?

No, I don't want Vinton to hear.

Hear what?

Well, one of Luann's
fiancés has come to town

and he wants to stay with
her while his rig is bein' fixed.

Now, the trailer
only has the one bed.

Well, plus the cot that
doubles as the dinette, but...

Naomi, just spare me the
sleazy details and get to the point.

Ms. Harper, the point is, I
don't have anywhere to stay.

Of course, you do,
sweetie. Come on inside.

No, when I walked
through that door

Vinton told me it
was goodbye forever.

Oh, that's just husband talk.

Translated into
English that means

"If you leave me, I
don't know what I'll do."

Come inside and
see for yourself.

Oh, are you sure?

I'm tellin' you, for
the past three days

Vinton has been
like the walkin' dead.

Uncle Vint, you're really
makin' those scales fly now.

Yeah, look out, fish,
here comes Mr. Clean!

Well, he doesn't sound
too broken-up to me.

Mama, you're not
gonna believe this gizmo.

You wanna see
a real clean fish...

Oh, skeeter.

Hello, Vinton.

Oh, don't let me interrupt.

I wouldn't dream of comin'
between you and your fish.

Now, Naomi, there's no
need to play hard-to-get.

- We all knew you'd be back.
- Please!

I'm here as an invited guest
of your mother temporarily.

Nothing between us has changed.

Oh, now, come on.
Something must have.

I don't know. She seems just
as pigheaded as the day she left.

Pigheaded?

Will you two lovebirds
just kiss and make up?

- Ew. I'd rather kiss that fish.
- Well, that goes double for me.

Now, kids, is this any
way to get back together?

Ms. Harper, Vinton and I may
be livin' under the same roof

but we are still separated.

Fine by me.

I will bunk with Bubba.

Ah!

Well, fine! I shall sleep on
that lumpy sleeper sofa alone!

Don't you look at me
with those innocent eyes.

This is all your fault.

Mmm, grandma,
that fish looks good.

Oh, thank you, baby.

I'm hopin' a nice family dinner

will help these
two patch things up.

Naomi, Vinton

it's time for a
nice family dinner!

- Good luck, grandma.
- What do you mean "good luck?"

- Where are you goin'?
- Amy's.

I don't like to eat
fish, grandma.

Especially the ones
I've known personally.

Well, fine. Leave me here
to face the odd couple alone.

Well... where am I
supposed to sit, Mama?

Where you always sit, Vinton.

Right over here, next to
your little lovebug, skeeter.

Ew. I just lost my appetite.

Maybe I'll be more
comfortable over here.

Well, I would prefer a
pleasanter view while I eat.

I shall relocate
to the coffee table.

Oh, come off it, Naomi!
Get back here and sit down!

No, thank you. I prefer to
maintain my separate status.

Well, I can be just as
separate as she can.

Huh!

Huh!

Well, I think you've both
separated from your brains.

There. Now I can
enjoy my fish in peace.

Well, if I do say so
myself, this fish is delicious.

There's nothin' like a
fresh Ray Lake crappie.

May we change the
subject, please, Ms. Harper?

'Tis the unnatural obsession
with the crappie in that lake

that has destroyed my marriage.

Fine.

Perhaps one of you
would like to introduce

a more pleasant
topic of conversation.

Lord, it's like eatin' dinner
at a mime convention.

Mama, could you pass the salt?

Certainly, Vinton.

You enjoyin' the view over here?

Ms. Harper, I believe I
could use some salt as well.

Well, Vinton's got it.

I know. I want you
to pass it to me.

For cryin' out loud.

I hope you people
are good tippers.

Thank you.

Mama, you got any
more of this tartar sauce?

Sure, Vinton.

Comin' right up.

This is gonna be the
only meal I ever walked off

before I even ate it.

Thanks, Mama.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop by.

Would you care for
some tartar sauce?

Oh, no, thanks, Ms. Harper.

The very sight of tartar
sauce makes me ill.

In that case, I'll
leave it right here.

Mama, could you pass the rolls?

Sure, Vinton

anything your
little heart desires.

You want rolls?
I'll give you rolls.

Here's your roll, Vinton.
Have another one.

Here, Naomi,
you have a roll too.

Have a roll! Here,
Vinton, have the other one!

There you go. Here!

Y'all want some butter
to go with them suckers?

No, no! Mama! Cut it out!
What's the matter with you?

Why are you acting so silly

when our marriage
is fallin' apart?

I could put on a clown
suit, throw a pie in your face

and I wouldn't be
actin' sillier than you.

What do you mean?

Let's face it, you
two belong together!

You were meant for each other!

Nobody else would put
up with either one of you!

Just what is the matter with us?

You've got an hour?

We could start with
your lack of money

lack of prospects,
lack of intelligence

and then go on to
your really big problems.

Now, hold on.

I resent that "lack
of intelligence" cr*ck.

I think Naomi's as
bright as a button.

- You do?
- Sure, compared to me.

Compared to you, this
crappie is a Rhodes scholar!

Oh, you just love to put people
down, don't you, Ms. Harper?

It is not only a pleasure,
I see it as my duty.

Well, for your information

Vinton may not
have a lick of sense

and he may be an
overgrown adolescent

who will never
amount to anything

but I love him and I won't
hear another word against him!

Oh, gosh, skeeter.

That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

I meant it, baby.

Oh, honey

I'm so sorry about
that dumb fishin' rod.

Oh, I should've been
more understanding.

I feel so bad about the bed.

- I know how much you wanted it.
- Oh, never mind, baby.

We don't need a fancy
bed that plays music.

We can make our
own carousel of love.

Oh... you bet we can.

♪♪ Dum da-da-da
dum da-da-da dum ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da da-da-da
da-da-da dum ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da dum da-da-da dum ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da da-da-da
da-da-da dum ♪♪♪♪

Oh, baby.

Oh, mmm, skeeter.

Oh, great.

Isn't this just par
for the course?

They're down in the basement
doin' the bedroom bossa nova

and I'm stuck
talkin' to a crappie.
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