04x05 - A Big Hand for Mama

[bunniefuu]

Oh, well, great.

Now, this is all I need. Rain.

Somebody want to answer
that? I'm doin' the dishes!

My hands are wet! I
will be electrocuted!

Well, I'm sorry, I guess I
must've had you confused

with a family that gives a damn!

Hello. Oh, hello, Roselle.

No, I can't talk right now. I
got somethin' in the oven.

Yeah, yeah, Iola and me

are usin' the church
van this mornin'.

No, we're gonna deliver flowers
to the old-folks home downtown.

No, your brownie
troop cannot tag along!

Well, I don't give a damn
about your cookie quota!

I will not have them pushin'
them peanut butter crunchies

at people on a fixed income.

Have you ever seen a
senior citizen in sugar shock?

Oh, here you are, Ms. Harper.

And how are you
this fine mornin'?

Whatever it is, Naomi,
the answer is no.

Come on, Ms. Harper, I just
want to show you this fabric.

Isn't this somethin'?

Yeah. Somethin' cheap and gaudy.

This is genuine silk.

I am gonna make a Chinese
hostess gown out of it.

Oh, yeah? You and who else?

Just me and my jiffy pattern

and your sewin' machine.

Oh, no. Dream on, missy.

I'm not lettin' a
domestic disaster like you

anywhere near my
defenseless Singer.

Ms. Harper, please don't
make me sew it by hand.

When do I ever ask
you for anything?

Whenever you want somethin'!

I'm tired of people comin' to
me with "gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Mama, can you loan me 90 bucks?

Not unless it's for a
one-way ticket to Timbuktu.

No, it's for this
special membership

at Jack Laray's Health Spa.

Jack Laray?

Isn't he that old weight lifter
who swam across Ray River

towin' a garbage
scow in his teeth?

Yep, that's him. 65 years old

and a perfect physical specimen.

Except for his overbite.

You're a perfect
idiot if you think

you're gettin' 90
bucks out of me.

Hey, everybody, what's shakin'?

The entire house
when you come down

them stairs like a wild Indian.

A wild Indian in love, grandma.

Well, just hold on a minute,
chief ragin' hormones.

What is her name?

Didi Brinkerhoff.

Brinkerhoff? Not Judge
Brinkerhoff's daughter?

You bet. High class and a fox.

- Hey.
- We're goin' on a picnic.

In all of this rain?

Oh, it'll clear up,
and if it doesn't

we can just have
our picnic in the car.

And just what car
might that be, Bubba?

- Yours, of course.
- You wanna bet?

You can take Didi on
the back of your scooter.

Grandma, a girl
like Didi Brinkerhoff

wouldn't be caught dead on
the back of my old motorbike.

She sounds kind of snippy to me.

Well, of course she's snippy.

She's the hottest-lookin'
girl in school.

Grandma, if you let me use
your car, I'll clean the garage.

You were supposed to
do that three weeks ago!

If you don't loan me your
car, I'm never cleanin' it!

The hell you won't!

Knock, knock!

You ready for our
little errand of mercy?

In a minute, Iola!

You listen here, Mr. Hotshot!
You are not takin' my car

and you're not
goin' on any picnic

until that garage
is spick-and-span!

Thelma, they're
waitin' for those flowers

at the retirement home.

I am tellin' off my
family! Do you mind?

Them seniors can wait.
What else have they got to do?

Thelma Harper! We are
representin' the church!

What must the Lord
think of that attitude?

For cryin' out loud, Iola, he
has got much more on his mind

than Thelma Harper's attitude!

He's got the Middle East crisis,

he's got wars, rumors of wars,

he's got smut everywhere
you turn around.

You think he
cares I'm ticked off

'cause I've to deliver
flowers to old fogies

with one foot in the grave?

I'm on my way, Lord.

Well, baby, I thought

you were tryin'
to get into shape?

Don't you know how
many calories there are

in a baloney
sandwich and a beer?

Oh, I just don't care
anymore, Skeeter.

If I can't get me a new body, I
might as well enjoy the old one.

Well, I know I always have.

Uncle Vin, I'm almost
done cleanin' out the garage.

What should I do with this
box marked "Family treasures?"

- Where was it?
- Underneath an oil drum.

Ooh, look at this.
It's an old sampler.

"It is more blessed to
give than to receive."

Oh, I remember this.

This used to hang over
Grandma Crowley's radio.

Look at all that hand-stitchin'.

This is a family treasure.

Honey, I bet we could get 100
bucks for this at the swap meet!

Knock, knock! Help, help!

- Iola, what is it?
- What's the matter?

It, it's Thelma, she
had an accident!

- Is she alright?
- She's not hurt.

She's just shaken up.

Come on, hon. Come on inside.

C-c-c-clo-clock. Clock.

- Is she saying "clock?"
- Yes. Poor dear.

A bolt of lightnin' hit
the Courthouse clock

just as Thelma was
walkin' underneath it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-han-hand!

Yes, I'm gonna tell 'em, honey.

The minute hand flew
off and came flamin' down

straight at Thelma.

Oh, mama! How close did it come?

Holy cow!

That is awful!

Let's get that coat off her.

Maybe we'd better
let her sit down.

Yeah, she looks
like she's in shock.

Will y'all quit starin' at me

like I'm some
kind of a nut case?

I think she's feelin' better.

I swear that minute
hand was as close to me

as my perm is to my scalp.

How on Earth did this
happen, Ms. Harper?

Well, when we got
to the retirement home

the only parkin' space left
was reserved for the paramedics

so we had to park
three whole blocks away

and carry all of
them flowers back.

Of course, Iola grabbed
all the small bouquets

leavin' me to lug that
big 'ol gladiolus spray.

Well, that's because
I know how to carry

several arrangements at
once without crushin' them.

In a pig's patoot!

I was almost k*lled!

I think maybe you'd
better tell us about this later

when you're calmed down.

Well, who knows
when that will be?

So, I was takin' the shortcut
across the Courthouse Square

I stopped under that big
clock to put down that gladiolus.

- It was hardly a ton.
- That ton of gladiolus!

Then this huge bolt of
lightnin' sizzled across the sky

lit into the face of that
clock. It was 11:29.

Next thing I knew
that minute hand

came sh**t' down like
a flamin' arrow, right at me.

Lord, 11:30, and I'd
have been a goner!

Well, mama, the important
thing is you're alright.

Yeah, but I can't help but
wonder why was I spared?

Well, who's to say? The
Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, well, he was tryin'
to tell me somethin' today.

But what?

Maybe he was tryin' to
tell you to get a new coat.

Oh, for pity's sakes, Naomi!

We're talkin' about God
here, not Calvin Klein!

Mama, maybe you've
done enough talkin', huh?

Why don't you just
come on over here

and sit down and relax.

Yeah, but I just know this
was a message from him.

I just wish that he would
spell it out a little more clearly.

Oh, what the...

Oh, it's Grandma
Crowley's sampler.

Yes, I'm sorry, I must've put
it there in all that confusion.

"It is more blessed to
give than to receive."

That's it! My message
has come from heaven!

No, grandma, it
came from the garage.

I think all the excitement's
been too much for her.

She's delirious.

It's nothin' but an old sampler.

From now on, I'm goin' to give
freely to anybody who asks me.

Mama's right. It's a
message from God.

There you go.

Did you enjoy that nice
little drink of fresh rainwater?

Well, it was my
pleasure to oblige.

You know, it's much better
to give than to receive.

Grandma, I'm almost
done cleanin' out the garage.

You want me to put this old
lamp on the pile for the goodwill?

Are you nuts? That lamp has
been in my family for generations.

I can't bear to part with that.

On second thought...

we don't use it.

Why not let others
share in the light?

Are you sure?

Bubba, nothin' in this life

makes you feel
better than sharin'.

Gee, uh, grandma

if sharin' this little old
lamp makes you happy

just think how good you'd
feel sharin' a great, big car.

Put it in reverse, Bubba.

You're not takin'
my car on any picnic.

Well, okay.

I guess, maybe I should take
Grandma Crowley's sampler

to the goodwill, too.

It doesn't look like you
have any use for that, either.

- Oh, Bubba...
- Yes, ma'am?

You gotta double-pop that
clutch to get 'er into second.

Thanks, grandma.
You're the greatest!

Yoo-hoo! Thelma, are
you feelin' any better?

Oh, Iola, I can't
tell you how much.

There's nothin' like
a brush with death

to put you in a good
mood. Come on inside.

I tell you, Iola, I feel like I
could conquer the whole world.

How's it goin', sweetie?

- Oh, fine!
- What are you makin', Naomi?

I'm makin' a floor-length
Chinese hostess gown.

Oh, Naomi, look what
a good job you're doin'

of cuttin' this pattern out.

Yeah. I've always been very
good at stayin' inside the lines.

You know what? With
really fine silk like this

I believe, you ought to be
usin' my good sewin' shears.

Do you mean it?

Well, what's the good
of havin' $40 scissors

if you can't use them to
make someone happy?

Gee, thanks!

Uh, tell me, Thelma

does this new
philosophy of givin'

apply to all aspects of life?

Absolutely everything.

Even recipes?

- Recipes?
- Yeah.

I was about to make dessert

and I thought to myself,
"Nothin' can compare

"with Thelma's
million-dollar fudge."

My million-dollar fudge?

Hold it, Iola.

That is Ms. Harper's
most secret recipe.

She is gonna take million-dollar
fudge with her to her grave.

I know that's how
the old Thelma felt

but I was kind of
hopin' the new Thelma

might of had a change of heart.

Well, I guess
maybe you're right.

Alright, I'll copy it down for
you when I have a free moment.

No time like the present.

Well, "Thelma's
Million-Dollar Fudge."

You were pretty damn
sure of yourself, weren't you?

Thelma, shouldn't
you look it up first?

Are you kiddin'? I could
make this stuff in my sleep.

Well, what are you ladies up to?

Hi, Vint.

Your mama's givin' me her
recipe for million-dollar fudge!

Ooh, million-dollar fudge!

Yeah, your mama's turned
over a completely new leaf.

She's even lent me
her prized sewin' shears.

Mama, I've never seen
you so open-handed.

I figure we are on this
earth for such a short time

why not use our precious
moments bringin' joy to others?

You're right, mama.

We are here for a short time.

Of course, we could be here a
lot longer if we stayed healthy.

You know, liftin' weights,
aerobics, sittin' in a hot tub.

Vinton, I get your drift.

There is nothin' in this world
that would make me happier

than seein' you get
healthy Jack Laray way.

Then you'll give me 90 bucks?

I would if I could, but
I can only spare a 20.

Thanks just the same.

I guess this givin' thing
works for everybody but me.

Wait a minute!

Wait just a minute here.

I saw a whole set of
them giant rubber bands

at the sportin' goods store.
What's the name of that place?

- "Jocks R Us."
- That's it!

Those exercise bands
are all the rage these days.

And they were only $19.95.

Honey, this is perfect.

Now you can exercise here at
home at your own convenience.

Yeah, most of the exercise
you get at those spas

is from standin' in line
waitin' to use the machines.

Well, there you go,
baby. There's your $20.

And there is your
million-dollar fudge.

You see, when your
heart is full of givin'

no wish goes unfulfilled.

I wish I could use
your sewin' machine.

No, not my Singer.

My good zigzag with the
a*t*matic buttonholer?

Oh, well, I guess, if
it'll make the Lord happy

I say, "What the hell."

Ooh hoo!

Oh! I just love this
shade of yellow.

Alright, now, these new deluxe
models are tricky for a rookie

so you go real easy on this
foot pedal, this baby is powerful.

I'll be careful, Ms. Harper.

I know how much
you value this machine.

I'm so touched that you
even would lend it to me!

Well, what's a
mother-in-law for?

I'm gonna go pour us
some nice, cool lemonade.

Enjoy.

♪♪ Make someone happy ♪♪

♪♪ Make just one
someone happy ♪♪

♪♪ And you will be
happy too ♪♪♪♪

Mama...

mama, I got 'em!

Boy, these things
are somethin' else.

They call 'em bands of strength.

That's nice. Would you
like some lemonade, son?

Nope. I'm goin' downstairs
for my first workout.

Ouch!

These things take
some gettin' used to.

In no time at all
you're gonna be lookin'

like Arnold Swartzenjammer.

You bet I will, mama.

♪♪ Love is the answer ♪♪

♪♪ Someone to love ♪♪

♪♪ Is the answer ♪♪♪♪

I'll answer it.

Hello. Oh, hello, Roselle.

Oh, no, it was nothin'.

Just a flamin' minute
hand that almost k*lled me.

Yeah, but enough
about yours truly.

How is that adorable
brownie troop?

Did they ever make
their cookie quota?

Will you tell those
darlings to bring

all them extra boxes
over to Auntie Thelma.

Don't be silly, Roselle.
I'm stone-cold sober.

Bye-bye.

♪♪ Make someone happy ♪♪

♪♪ Make just one
someone happy ♪♪

♪♪ Make one someone
the one you... ♪♪♪♪

Ohh! Ms. Harper, come quickly!

Make it stop, make it stop!

Good Lord, Naomi,
what have you done here?

Oh, I haven't done anything!
It's this machine of yours!

It just grabbed my
dress and wouldn't let go!

Well, now, that
doesn't look so bad.

Are you crazy? This is ruined!

Well, now, sometimes
these seams stretch right out.

You run on up to my
room and slip into this.

- We'll be able to fix it.
- Do you think so?

Oh, Ms. Harper,
you're a lifesaver!

Well, we do what we can.

Grandma!

Bubba, back so
soon from your picnic?

I didn't go on any picnic!

You go swimmin' instead?

No, I was tryin' to get
that old clunker of yours

into second gear, when
it slipped into reverse

and backed right
over a fire hydrant!

Oh, no. Was there any damage?

Yes! My social
life was destroyed!

Thanks to you, Didi's never
gonna speak to me again!

Do you have any idea
what that much water does

to a girl with
mousse in her hair?

Bubba, you can't
blame this on me!

You begged me to use that car!

I did not! You practically
threw those keys in my face!

Why, I... Bubba!

Knock, knock!

Thelma Harper, is this your
idea of million-dollar fudge?

Why, Iola, what in the
world did you do to it?

Like a fool, I followed
your alleged recipe.

Why, I could swear
I wrote it down right.

Oh, really? Take a look at that.

What are all those little white
things? Miniature marshmallows?

Those are mother's teeth.

You will be hearin'
from her lawyer!

Mama! Mama!

What on Earth...

Get me out of here!

These bands of strength are
squeezin' the life out of me!

How in the world did you
get yourself into this mess?

By listenin' to you.

These k*ller rubber
bands were your idea.

Stop it! You're
gonna make it worse!

Bubba, come here and
help your Uncle Vint.

- Here.
- Ouch! Ow!

Get your elbow out of my ear!

Bubba, get away
from me! You're all wet!

Don't blame me! Blame grandma!

Yeah. Thanks a lot, mama.

Ms. Harper, would you
look at what your machine

has done to this dress?

You can't fix this!

Well, they say the
big-bird look is in.

I will never forgive you
for this as long as I live!

And neither will mother.

This is all your fault, grandma.

Yeah, shame on you, mama.

If you'd given me the $90...

Didi's never gonna
speak to me again!

Just a damn minute here!

You can't lay all
this at my doorstep!

All I did was give!

It is not my fault if you
all are bad receivers!

You wanna blame somebody,
you blame Grandma Crowley!

She's the one that came
up with this stupid sampler!

Lord, if you are listenin',
the next time you want

to give me a message,
you better dial direct!

That better be Roselle.