04x06 - Flounder's Day

[bunniefuu]

Sssss!

Oh! Oh, baby!

Honey, don't scare
me when I'm reading!

Daphne's just been
locked in the steam room

by her psychotic weight trainer.

I'm sorry. I just wanted you
to see how I'm gonna look

in the Founder's Day
Parade on Saturday.

Oh, aren't you adorable?

Yeah.

The mystic order of the Cobra

certainly picked the
handsomest member

to ride on their float.

And wait till you see it.
We've got a 12-foot cobra

made entirely out
of pop-top rings.

Honey, you guys are gonna
win the Mayor's trophy for sure.

Oh, I don't know, skeeter.
It's the centennial year.

Every lodge in
the Tri-State area

is goin' for the gold.

Vinton, this could be the
most exciting weekend

in Raytown history.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, who's gonna help me

mulch the yard this weekend?

Mama, we can't work on the yard.

We're gonna be
celebratin' Founder's Day.

Oh, what's the difference?

Either way, you're gonna be

knee-deep in fertilizer.

I cannot believe that you'd
actually stay home and do chores

instead of watchin'
your son ride to glory

on the Founder's day parade.

Oh, I hate a parade. All you
do is stand on the sidewalk

in them awful crowds

strainin' your neck to see
people you don't even like

prancin' around
in stupid outfits

makin' fools out of themselves.

Give me mulch any day.

Ms. Harper, where
is your civic pride?

Nearly everybody you know
is involved in Founder's day.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Vinton's ridin'
on the cobra float.

I am sellin' cotton
candy by the waterfront.

And Iola Boylen is stage manager

for the outdoor pageant.

In which Bubba is
starrin' as James A Ray

the founder of Raytown.

Then who the hell's
gonna help me mulch?

Oh, Ms. Harper...
Oh, forget it, Naomi.

Mama's never had any
use for Founder's day.

Amen to that.

Aunt Naomi, will you go
over my lines with me?

The director says we have to
have it memorized by tonight.

Certainly, Bubba.

I am always eager
to do my civic duty.

Thanks, I have to go over my
big, dramatic scene at the end.

This happens right
after James A Ray

decides to leave Hinckley

on account of
religious persecution.

Religious persecution?

He was kicked out of
town on a morals charge.

Never mind her,
Bubba. Just go ahead.

Okay. So here I
am, lost in the woods.

Whose are these woods?

So strange, so foreboding
yet, so homelike.

Hark! Hey! Blanket
of fallen leaves.

I shall rest my weary
bones 'neath these branches.

Get your weary bones
off my coffee table.

Alright, Bubba.

This is where you fall asleep.

"Suddenly, a spirit appears

"and sings ♪♪ Raytown
oh Raytown ♪♪"'

Oh, that's my favorite part.

Little old Verna Mae Ray
has been the spirit of Raytown

for as far back as
I can remember.

Good Lord! Who ever heard of
a spirit who had to use a walker?

Verna Mae couldn't
carry a tune 50 years ago

and she sings even worse today.

But grandma, she's tradition.

Well, I should've
been tradition, not her!

Back 50 years when they
first held auditions for this part

I could sing circles around
Verna Mae, everybody said so.

But because she was the
granddaughter of James A Ray

the judges decided they
had to go with the name value.

She's been caterwaulin'
every year since.

Oh jeepers, no wonder
you don't like Founder's Day.

I cried for weeks
over that heartbreak.

Mother, in her pitiful
way, tried to comfort me.

She said, "Cheer up,
Thelma. Your time will come."

Well, mother, it's been
50 years. I'm still waitin'.

Knock, knock.

As stage manager, it is my duty

to officially inform you that
the pageant may be canceled.

- What?
- Canceled? Why?

Verna Mae Ray won't be able
to sing "Raytown Oh Raytown."

Oh, wise up, Iola.

Verna Mae pulls this same
stunt every single year.

She says she can't sing,
and at the last minute

she comes hobblin' out and
gets herself a standin' ovation!

Thelma, she's
not foolin' this year.

- What makes you so sure?
- She's dead.

What? She d*ed?

In her sleep, the sheet music
to "Raytown Oh Raytown"

still clutched in her hand.

What a trooper.

Well, yeah, but still

it seems a shame to
cancel the whole pageant.

Yeah, especially since I
almost learned all my lines.

Well, perhaps you're right.

The show must go on.

We'll just have to replace her.

I do not believe you people!

Poor old Verna Mae
not even cold yet

and all you can think
about is some stupid song

in your silly pageant!

Shame on each
and every one of you!

Now, I think we should all
spend a quiet moment alone

contemplating what Verna
Mae's loss means to us all.

You were right, mother.
My time has come!

Oh, I know exactly
how you feel, Roselle.

Verna Mae's passin' has
been a terrible shock to all of us.

Are you gonna be able to come
to the audition to replace her?

It's gonna be here, 4
o'clock this afternoon.

Oh, you're right.

That is the same time as
the church choir practice.

Well, that means none
of the good singers

will be able to come.

Oh, sh**t.

Well, thanks a million
anyway, Roselle. Bye-bye.

Oh gee, looks like Roselle's
gonna be a no-show, too.

Sounds like you're gonna
be the only one auditioning.

I know. Isn't it a shame?

Come on, Naomi.
We gotta rehearse.

Oh, no, not again, Ms. Harper!

I've already
chipped three nails!

I'll run down to the
dime store tomorrow

and buy you some
new ones. Come on.

Now, Mama, don't
forget to do your gestures.

You know? People love that.

Toward the end, the only gesture
old Verna Mae could do was this.

Get over there and sit down

before I give you a
gesture you'll never forget.

Alright, hit it, maestro.

♪♪ Sunshine up on high
smilin' down below ♪♪

♪♪ Beams of love from up
above to tell you where to go ♪♪

♪♪ Two three four
oh two three four ♪♪

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown
steeples line the way ♪♪

♪♪ Where happy children play ♪♪

♪♪ And folks you
know say hey hey ♪♪

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown
no matter where I stray... ♪♪

♪♪ Stray... ♪♪

♪♪ Stray stray... ♪♪

Good lord! This piano is so
far off, it's makin' me sound flat!

Nobody's gonna notice, mama.

You'll hypnotize them
with your gestures.

Well, they'd have to be in a
coma not to hear them clunkers.

Just calm down, the
piano's gonna get fixed.

The tuner's gonna
be here any minute.

He better get his
tunin' fork in high gear.

I got me a song to sell.

I've had it with show business!

What is the matter, Bubba?

It's that Clive Montaigne.

The pageant's
runnin' a little long

so whose part gets
cut down? The star's!

W-what did he take away?

All of my wanderin'
in the woods.

Some of my best work.

Now all I do is fall asleep.
Where's my motivation?

Oh, Bubba.

Bubba, I hope you
didn't lose your temper.

No, I told him we
either do it my way

or he can find himself
another James A Ray.

What?! You defied
Clive Montaigne

on the day of my audition?

You are gonna apologize to him!

- But grandma...
- You listen to me.

If he wants you to
put on a pink tutu

and dance your part,
you're gonna do it!

You get on upstairs and run
over whatever lines you got left!

That must be the piano tuner.

Thank goodness.

Nobody can make my piano sing

like old man McCauley.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Jane McCauley.

I'm fillin' in for my father
while he's on vacation.

What kind of a fool leaves
town on Founder's Day?!

Hush, Ms. Harper!
I'm sure that Jane

can tune your piano just fine.

That's right. I learned
from the best, my dad.

Knock, knock! Thelma,
There's been a change of plans.

We have to hold the
auditions a little early.

- How early?
- Now.

Clive has to be at
the TV station at 3:00.

They're interviewin' him
live on "Raytown P.M."

Well, I'm nowhere near
ready! My piano isn't tuned

my nut cups haven't been
filled, and I've gotta change.

No need to panic.
Thelma, dress looks fine.

Vint, Naomi, I'm puttin' you
in charge of the nut cups.

What do we do?!
How does it work?!

You fill cups with nuts.

Hop to it!

Ooh! Hurry, baby, hurry!

Well, good Lord, Iola.

You're turnin' this
stage manager thing

into a way of life.

Clive Montaigne, right on time.

Vint, Naomi, no time
for cups. Just bring nuts.

You there, tune like
there's no tomorrow!

Thelma, you're on.

Mr. Montaigne

won't you please come in?

What an honor it is to
have you in our home.

Au contraire, Mrs. Harper.

The honor is all mine.

Oh.

Aren't you going to
introduce your family?

Not if I can help it.

Who might this vision
of loveliness be, hmm?

Ooh!

I'm Naomi Harper, Mr. Montaigne.

Well, tell me, my dear,
why have I not seen you

down at the Pepper
Pot Playhouse?

My, you'd make a splendid
Anne of "A thousand days."

Gee, I thought your shows
only ran two weekends.

Oh, uh, Mr. Montaigne

this is Vinton Harper.

He's my...

A pleasure, sir.

Ah, Bubba enters... sulking.

Oh, Bubba, don't
you have somethin'

that you want to say
to Mr. Montaigne?

I'm sorry I lost my
cool this afternoon.

If you don't want me to
wander, I won't wander.

Oh, no need to apologize, Bubba.

I'm used to dealing with
temperamental stars.

I once directed
"Peg O' My Heart"

with Rula Lenska.

Well, it doesn't look like
anyone else is gonna show up

so let the auditions begin.

Right here, Mr. Montaigne.

Our first and only contestant
is our own Thelma Harper.

I would just like
to say before I start

that I think it's a shame we
didn't get a bigger turnout.

Mrs. Harper, we all know
you tried your very best.

I did. But who wants
to run away with it?

Where's the fun of winnin' if
you can't b*at somebody out?

I sing a little bit.

You do? Bless your heart!

That's perfect!
You can go first.

Then, I can win fair and square.

- I don't know if I'm up to it.
- Sure you are.

This'll be a hoot!

This is our piano tuner, old
man McCauley's girl Janie.

Sit right down over here, baby.

Don't be nervous,
okay? You do your best.

Sing out 'cause this
is gonna be outdoors.

♪♪ Sunshine up on high ♪♪

♪♪ Smiling down below ♪♪

♪♪ Beams of love ♪♪

♪♪ From up above ♪♪

♪♪ To tell you where to go ♪♪

♪♪ Ohhhhh ♪♪

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown
steeples line the way ♪♪

♪♪ Where happy children play ♪♪

♪♪ And folks you know say ♪♪

♪♪ Hey hey ♪♪

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown ♪♪

♪♪ No matter where I stray ♪♪

♪♪ I'll be homeward bound ♪♪

♪♪ Plant me in the ground ♪♪

♪♪ Of the town ♪♪

♪♪ We call ♪♪

♪♪ Ray ♪♪♪♪

Bravo! Wonderful!

I have chills.

My dear, you have
brought tears to my eyes.

Yeah, mine, too.

You were simply marvelous.

I can't imagine that song
being sung any better.

That's because you haven't
heard grandma sing it yet.

Yeah, it's Ms. Harper's turn.

Mama's the best singer in town.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Harper. I
completely forgot about you.

Please, go ahead.

Come on, Thelma.
Sing your little heart out.

Mr. Montaigne... Mr. Montaigne!

I would just like to say that
I'm no fancy, high-brow singer.

I'm just plain ol' Thelma
Harper from Raytown.

I sing this song
simple and unadorned

the way it was written.

You miss one note
and you're dead meat.

♪♪ Sunshine up on high ♪♪

♪♪ Smilin' down below ♪♪

♪♪ Beams of Lo-o-o-ve ♪♪

♪♪ From up above ♪♪

♪♪ To tell you where to go ♪♪

♪♪ Go-o-o-o-o ♪♪

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown ♪♪

♪♪ Steeples line the way ♪♪

♪♪ Where happy children play ♪♪

♪♪ And folks you know say ♪♪

♪♪ Hey hey ♪♪

♪♪Raytown oh Raytown ♪♪

♪♪ No matter
where I stra-a-a-y ♪♪

♪♪ I'll be homeward bound ♪♪

♪♪ Plant me in the ground ♪♪

♪♪ Of the town ♪♪

♪♪ We call ♪♪

♪♪ Ra-a-a-y ♪♪♪♪

My, what an...
interesting interpretation.

It was so full of... gusto.

And so loud.

I think the piano being in tune

may have thrown her off.

Yeah. Normally, she doesn't
sound anywhere near that bad.

Yeah. What say I
give it another sh*t?

That won't be necessary.

Why don't you and Ms. McCauley

retire to the kitchen
while I make my decision?

Great idea. Mr. Montaigne,
I could make you a batch

of my homemade chocolate
chip cookies while you're decidin'.

Thank you, but I don't think
it will take that much time.

So, CM, who you leanin' toward?

There's only one choice,
isn't there? Miss McCauley.

What about mama?

Surely you jest.

Oh, Mr. Montaigne, you
can't just go on talent.

There are other things you
have to take into consideration.

Of all the times
for your old man

to be out of town on vacation.

Do you know what
this is gonna cost me?

With new parts and
labor, it'll be about...

I am not talkin'
about the piano bill

you little upstager!

I am talkin' about
stealin' my part!

I feel just like Bette
Davis in "All About Eve."

But I didn't want to audition.
You talked me into it.

Why the hell did
you listen to me?

Well, I'm glad I did.
I've always been so shy.

I never had the nerve
to sing in public before.

But they liked me.
They really liked me!

Oh, go tell it to Sally Field!

Ladies, could you come
back in here, please?

You go first. I'm not
turnin' my back on you.

Well, ladies, after
much soul-searching

I have made my decision.

Okay, don't sugarcoat it.

Just give it to me straight.

Congratulations, Mrs.
Harper. You're the winner.

I am?

- You did it, grandma!
- We're so proud of you.

I won! I won! I won!

Congratulations, Mrs.
Harper. I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thank you, Janie.
And don't you feel bad.

Finishin' second to me is
nothin' to be ashamed of.

You were wonderful, Ms. McCauley

but I was persuaded
to go with the economics

of the situation.

Economics? What has
that got to do with this?

We explained to CM, how
popular you are in town.

About all the
organizations you belong to.

Yeah, and how many people
would come to hear you sing.

Just because Jane
sings a lot better than you

doesn't mean she'd sell tickets.

I had to go with the name
value. It is called show business.

I understand.

I sure as hell don't.

I don't wanna win this way.

- I quit.
- What?

Are you nuts?

Grandma, what are you doin'?

The right thing.

50 years ago, I was
a young girl with talent

and I lost out to name value.

It nearly broke my heart.

I'm not gonna let that
happen to you, Janie.

You deserve this part.
It's all yours, kiddo.

You go out there, and
you knock 'em dead.

- Thank you, Mrs. Harper.
- Good show, Mrs. Harper!

Jane, with that voice of yours

why, next year, you
could be singing at the Met.

Wouldn't that be somethin'?

Then "Raytown Oh Raytown"
would be up for grabs again.

♪♪ Raytown oh Raytown ♪♪

♪♪ No matter where I stray ♪♪♪♪