04x18 - Mama's Girls

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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04x18 - Mama's Girls

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, Bubba, now that we got
the dialin' mechanism adjusted

this baby's as good as new.

Ha ha! Alexander Graham
Bell, eat your heart out.

Oh, do you boys think that
you ought to be foolin' around

with the phone like that?

Skeeter...

you are observin' a
couple of genii at work.

Plug her in, Bubba.

Let's show the lady who
she's dealin' with here.

Okay.

Contact.

It's ringin'.

Hello, operator?

Would you be so kind
as to ring this number

so that we might
test our telephone?

Thank you ever so.

Okay, Aunt Naomi,
check this out.

I'll get it.

Uh, thank you,
operator. No, no problem.

We heard you loud and clear.

Yeah, but we didn't know
if the phone was ringin'

or if we'd struck uranium.

Effie, you are gonna have to do

what the doctor tells you.

Oh, just stay out of my
life, you old busybody.

Well, fine.

Next time you need somebody
to drive you to the doctor

this old body will be busy.

I'd sooner hitch a ride with
a one-legged hell's angel.

Well, Aunt Effie, how did your
check-up with Dr. Kelly go?

Horrible. That man is a quack.

My own sister-in-law
here sided with him.

Dr. Kelly happened to notice

a little stiffness
in Effie's joints

and he says she needs to
start an exercise program.

Exercise.

This old geezer sits there

chain-smokin', with a pot
belly hangin' over his belt

and tells me to exercise.

And old thunder thighs
over there agrees with him.

Thunder thighs?

Now, Aunt Effie, exercise
isn't just for losin' weight.

Thunder thighs?

Coach says regular
exercise is the secret

to a long life, Aunt Effie.

sh**t! I've lived this
long sittin' on my butt.

I'm not about to get off it now.

Now, I ask you, boys, would
you call these thunder thighs?

Now, just be honest. Yes or no?

I just remembered.

I've gotta pick up that
new part for the telephone.

Uh, wait up, Uncle
Vint. I'll go with you.

I'll accept that as a no.

You know, Aunt Effie,
exercise can be a lot of fun.

I'm an old woman.

Fun for me is wakin' up

and findin' out I'm still alive.

Well, you're not gonna be for
much longer with that attitude.

You're a fine one
to talk, Miss Harper.

You're not exactly
Jane Fonda yourself.

Oh, and since when are
you such an authority?

Your idea of a workout
includes a man, a bed

and a cigarette afterwards.

That is a total lie.

I have never smoked
a cigarette in my life.

I'm tellin' you, Effie

my back doctor gave me
a whole set of exercises

you can do while
you're cleanin' the house.

All you need is a chair.

- Forget it, Thelma.
- Oh, come on, now.

What could be easier than
doin' a workout while you clean?

Hirin' somebody to do 'em both.

Knock, knock.

Thelma, I'm on my way
to the mall. Need anything?

Yeah, a new sister-in-law.

- Oh, hi, there, Effie.
- Iola.

Oh, what you got in the bag?

I'm takin' mother's tap
shoes back to the store.

She was gonna
sign up for that class

at the Senior Citizens'
Center but backed out

when she realized
it's the same time

as "The Young And The Restless."

Well, what's tappin' compared
to a solid hour of infidelity?

Thelma, don't these remind
you of our childhood days?

Boy, I should say they do.

Effie and me took from the
Tommy Tanner Tap Academy

when we was kids.

Little Thelma wasn't
even in school yet

and she was the star pupil.

Yep, I was doin' nerve taps
when I was still in diapers.

I never took tap
like the other girls.

I had to have accordion lessons.

Eight years of grindin'
that squeezebox,

and all I have to show for it is
a permanent shoulder hump.

Well, I made both
of my girls take tap.

Ellen wasn't too bad

but Eunice danced
like a cow on crutches.

Neither of your girls
could touch you, Thelma.

When it came to
taps, you were tops.

Well, why don't you two
hoofers sign up for that class?

Well, maybe I could
but Effie's not up to

that kind of strenuous
exercise anymore.

She hasn't kept herself
in good shape like I have.

Good shape?

Hell, you can't
even see your feet.

I bet I could tap
circles around you.

Well, there's only one
way to find out, isn't there?

Let's just go sign
up for that class.

We'll just find out who's
still got it and who ain't.

You're on, thunder thighs.

If we go sign up now

we could go to class
tomorrow mornin'.

Fine, and just who the hell
are you callin' thunder thighs

bird legs?

Okay, girls, now
that we're all lined up,

let's take hold of the
barre and start our class.

Okay, now I want you
all to pay close attention.

Be sure and watch
my little footsies.

Excuse me, uh, my
name is Thelma Harper.

This is my sister-in-law,
Effie Harper.

Uh, we're lookin' for the
senior ladies' tap class.

You are?

Well, this is it.

I'm Bambi, your teacher.

Why don't you girls
go line up behind Belle

and we'll just tap
our troubles away.

Who the hell she thinks she
is? Mr. Rogers' neighborhood?

Okay, girls.

Begin with the right
footsie and follow me.

Flap.

Flap.

Flap.

Flap.

Oh, that was swell, girls.

Thanks so much
for all the hard work.

Class dismissed.

Gee, I'm in better
shape than I thought.

I'm not even winded.

That's because we
got more exercise

walkin' in from the parkin' lot.

Yo, twinkle toes.

You call this a dance class?

We came here expectin'
to work up a sweat.

I'm sorry, the insurance policy
here strictly forbids any class

that makes the seniors sweat.

Well, that rule's as
dumb as your tap class.

Hey, I'm only
following orders, okay?

My hands are tied.

Too bad your lips aren't.

Oh, don't blame the kid.

Those insurance companies
can really lay down the law.

I know all about it. My
son's in the insurance game.

My sympathies, Belle.

They consider
elderly ladies dancing

a high-risk group.

High-risk?

Well, just because
we're gettin' on in years

doesn't mean we're too
old to shake our booties.

sh**t, now we got
a lot more to shake.

Thelma, look at these
old dance albums.

Didn't you used to do
a routine to this one?

Oh, look. It's the
Choo-Choo song.

Hey, this was my best
recital. It was a pip.

Let's put this sucker on

and see if any of it
comes back to us.

Come on, come on.

Yeah, this is the one.

♪♪ When that midnight
choo-choo leaves for Alabam' ♪♪

♪♪ Alabam' Alabam' ♪♪

♪♪ I'll be right there ♪♪
♪♪ Where'll you be? ♪♪

♪♪ Where'll you be? ♪♪
♪♪ I've got my fare ♪♪

♪♪ Show it to me
show it to me ♪♪

♪♪ When I see that
rusty-haired conductor man ♪♪

♪♪ What'll you do?
What'll you do? ♪♪

♪♪ I'll grab him
by the collar ♪♪

♪♪ And I'll holler
Alabam' Alabam' ♪♪

♪♪ That's where
you stop that train ♪♪

♪♪ That takes me back again ♪♪

♪♪ Down home
where I'll remain ♪♪

♪♪ Where my honey lamb am ♪♪

♪♪ I will be right
there with bells ♪♪

♪♪ When that old
conductor yells ♪♪

♪♪ All aboard all aboard ♪♪

♪♪ All aboard for Alabam' ♪♪

Well, come on, ladies.
You wanted to tap.

There you go. That's it.

Okay, don't rush this.

♪♪ Whoo-whoo ♪♪

Come on, Effie,
we need a caboose.

♪♪ I will be right
there with bells ♪♪

♪♪ When that old
conductor yells ♪♪

♪♪ All aboard ♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-whoo ♪♪

♪♪ All aboard ♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-whoo ♪♪

♪♪ All aboard ♪♪

♪♪ For Alabam' ♪♪

♪♪ Whoo-whoo ♪♪♪♪

That was great.

And they call us
a high-risk group.

Thelma, well, you
were just wonderful.

Will you teach us some more?

You bet your bunions I will.

I'm gonna meet you all
here same time next week.

- Okay.
- But what about Bambi?

The hell with Bambi.

From now on,
you're Mama's Girls.

Knock, knock! Hi, Vint.

Oh, Iola.

Thelma, I finished it.

Oh, Iola, look at
that. It is wonderful.

Say, you really
captured my likeness.

Boy, mama, who
would have thought

your tap class would turn
into something this big?

Now every blue hair in
Raytown wants to strut her stuff.

I know, they even want
me to start a kiddie class

for women 55 to 60.

Miss Harper, look at this.

You're in the evening paper.

We are? What does it say?

It says, "Raytown
grandmother tops in tap."

- There’s even a picture.
- Oh, my Lord, I look so fat.

That's the last time I'm
wearin' a skirt and blouse.

Let me read that.

"Thelma Harper's dance
troupe, Mama's Girls,

represents over 500
years of tappin' experience."

That's all of our
ages added together.

"Opening this Friday at
the Senior Citizens' Center

Mama's Girls..."

I'll get it.

Hell, Vinton, we'd be better off

with two tin cans
and some string.

Pick it up.

Hello.

Yes, it is.

Oh, I sure can. How
many do you want?

87?

Whoa-ho!

Y-yes, sir. Yes. Yeah,
we-we'll see you Friday.

Well, Vinton, who was that?

That was the head
honcho of the Shriners.

They're bringin' in two busloads
from Hinckley to see the show.

Oh, my goodness, Thelma,
you're breakin' all box office records.

And Shriners too. They
are a great audience.

Phew! Grandma, we did it.

Me and T-Boy put
fliers for your show

on every car in
the mall parking lot.

- Nearly 800 in all.
- Attaboy, Bubba.

I got a feelin' this is just the
beginnin' for Mama's Girls.

Hello.

Hello... they hung up.

It's the doorbell, you dimwit.

Uh, excuse me, are
you Thelma Harper

the lady behind Mama's Girls?

That's me.

May I have a
minute of your time?

Well, you certainly may.
Come right on in here.

You must be that nice reporter
from the Raytown Bugle.

Not quite. I'm with Mutual
of Raytown Insurance.

I'm here to shut you down.

What? Well, what do you
mean "shut me down?"

Well, not you
personally, Mrs. Harper.

Just your tap
group, Mama's Girls.

Well, why? We haven't
done anything wrong.

Yeah, is there some kind of law

against old ladies makin'
fools of themselves?

Vinton, please don't help me.

The problem, Mrs. Harper

is that your classes are
not insured by the center.

And I'm afraid I'm going to
have to cancel their policy

if you ever set a
tap in there again.

Well, what about the
big show on Friday night?

You must be kidding.

Mister, I've been out in the
hot sun puttin' over 800 fliers

underneath windshield
wipers covered in bug guts.

Be that as it may, there will
be no show on Friday night.

You can't do that to
Miss Harper. It's sold out.

- It's in the paper.
- Ignore that picture.

Mrs. Harper,
this isn't personal.

But of course, it
is, you little runt.

You wouldn't be doin' this
if I wasn't an old person.

What do you mean?

If I was an old paintin',
you'd insure me.

Or a, or a fine, old bottle
of wine or an antique car.

Why is it old things
get more valuable

with age but people don't?

I'm afraid you'll have to take
that up with Mutual of Raytown.

Mutants of Raytown
is more like it.

Insult us all you
like, Mrs. Harper.

- But your show will not go on.
- Get out of my house.

- It's been a real pleasure.
- Out!

And if you ever have any
insurance needs, here's my card.

- Hartley Scoggins.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold it right there,
you little weasel.

Scoggins, you aren't any
relation to Belle Scoggins?

Yes, she's my mother.
Do you know her?

Well, as a matter of fact, I
met her on a train to Alabam'.

When was the last
time you talked to her?

- My work keeps me very busy.
- Of course, it does.

Why don't you just stick
around for a minute?

I was just about
to give Belle a call.

Oh, really, that
isn't necessary, uh..

Vinton...

remind me to k*ll you.

Hello, Belle? It's Thelma.

Yeah, I just called to tell you

what a wonderful job you
did in rehearsal this afternoon.

Yeah, and you are not gonna
believe who is standin' here

in my livin room.

Your little son, Hartley.

Yeah, why didn't you tell
me he was such a cutie?

No, no, he's here on business.

Yes, he wants to
shut down the show.

Our show.

Okay, sure.

Hartley, your mother would
like to have a few words with you.

Hi, mom.

I've been takin' tap for weeks

and won't have the
rug pulled from under.

You're just like your
father. A spineless jellyfish.

Hell hath no fury
like a tapper's tongue.

Mutual of Raytown
presents Mamas Girls

in Old Faces of 1988.

And now, Raytown's
own dancing daughter

Thelma Harper.

Welcome to our show.

Oh, what a crowd!

Say, before we begin, I
would just like to thank

Belle Scoggins'
wonderful son, Hartley,

for convincin' Mutual
of Raytown Insurance

to pay for all of our lights
and sets and costumes.

Plus an unlimited supply of
corn pads for all of my girls.

And now it gives me a
great deal of pleasure

to introduce the eldest
member of our dancin' troupe

my sister-in-law, Effie Harper.

Effie.

I'd just like to say to all
you senior citizens out there

exercise can be lots of fun.

And the best way to keep
one foot out of the grave

is to put a tap shoe on it.

Alright, now...

with that in mind,
on with our show.

♪♪ When trumpets were mellow ♪♪

♪♪ And every gal
only had one fellow ♪♪

♪♪ No need to remember when ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause everything
old is new again ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause everything
old is new again ♪♪

♪♪ Get out your white
suit tap shoes and tails ♪♪

♪♪ Let's go backwards
when forward fails ♪♪

♪♪ Leave Greta Garbo alone ♪♪

♪♪ And be a movie
star on your own ♪♪

♪♪ Don't throw the past away ♪♪

♪♪ You might need
it for a rainy day ♪♪

♪♪ Dreams can come true again ♪♪

♪♪ When everything
old is new again ♪♪

♪♪ When everything
old is new again ♪♪

♪♪ When everything
old is new again ♪♪♪♪

Whew, well, I
have got to admit it,

that was some workout.

Yeah, boy, grandma,
what a great show.

Yeah, who'd have dreamed
you'd get six curtain calls?

Seven. But who's countin'?

Aunt Effie, I was especially
proud of you up there.

I was good, wasn't I?

You sure were, sweetie.

When word gets out
about Mama's Girls

I'll bet Broadway
will be callin'.

I'll get it.

Well, if Broadway
wants to reach me

they're gonna have
to send a telegram.
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