03x04 - Y.G.A.G.G.

[bunniefuu]

I guess if I'm honest, I was
a tiny bit nervous at the beginning

but, you know,
with a new state, new school,

new allergist to get up to speed...

but now I love college.

And, I mean, the pressure was on, too,

because my mom met my Aunt Stacy
the first week of freshman year,

and I really wanted my own own Aunt Stacy.

Turns out me introducing myself
door-to-door was really crucial,

despite, you know, some
of the rudeness and the occasional nudity.

I don't just have one Aunt Stacy.
I have several.

Wait, you have more than one Aunt Stacy?
How do you keep their birthdays straight?

No, Sam, you lost the thread.

I'm talking about college friends.

I mean, what about you? You've not even
talked about your new Denton friends.

That's because I don't have any,
because I don't need any.

Sam, that's absurd!

Of course you do.

Listen, you're just a little g*n-shy
because of the whole Tasty Trio debacle,

but we all need as many friends
as we can get.

Not me. I already have
my real friends, like Zahid.

Zahid's only one friend.

So, I'm only one Sam.

What about me? I'm the one you truly love.

- I told you not to touch my tortoise!
- I know. That's why I do it.

Ow! Get out!

I have to go. Edison needs me
to put on some soothing music.

This is why you need more friends.

Bye, Paige.

Oh, there you are.

I heard a flush, then you never came out.

I thought I lost you for good.

Sorry, I peed,

but then I heard Sam talking to Paige,
so I had to go mess with him.

Well, obviously.

Who is that?

Secret girlfriend.

- What is up with Beth?
- She wants to go see Dewey.

He's our dog, lives in New Hampshire.

Shut up. You have a dog?

- Mm-hmm.
- What is he doing in New Hampshire?

You know, sniffing butts,

barking at mailmen,
just typical canine activity.

He lives with our dad.

Oh.

And I guess he's not doing too well.

Dewey or your dad?

- Well, Dewey, unfortunately.
- Oh.

And Beth wants to go visit him
one last time.

What about you?

Yeah, I mean...

it's just every time I visit my dad,
I feel like I'm 13 years old.

I just end up yelling at him.
And you know me.

I'm not a yeller.

No, you are not.

He just brings out the worst in me.

Yeah, I have no idea what that's like.
Elsa makes me my best self.

Do you want me to come with you?

I'll help you stay calm
in the face of parental stupidity.

- You?
- I'm a certified Zen master. So you know.

Okay, what is that?

Oh, this cool thing?

This just means parents are dumb,

let's not get worked up about it.

- Oh, is that what that is?
- Yes.

So when you see this,
you know it's time to just relax,

kick back and chill.

Okay.

Yeah, you can come, only 'cause
you're dumb and you make me laugh.

I'll take it.

Tortoises are solitary animals.

They don't need companionship
like other animals.

They're happy alone.

In fact, in captivity,

no more than five tortoises can be kept
in the same enclosure.

Otherwise, they get aggressive,
and it becomes total tortoise mayhem.

My pencil.

Night, Sam. Don't stay too late.

The night janitor gets really talky. Sam.

You okay, dude?
You're aura's a little hectic.

Somebody stole my 9B pencil!

Oh, boy, no bueno.
You think you misplaced it?

What?

No, of course I didn't misplace it.

How would I have misplaced it?
It's a really important pencil.

They all are. I get it.

I lost one of my pastels once
and drove into a tree.

Burnt umber.

Maybe it was an accident.
Did someone come near your workplace?

Light blue Converse. Light blue Converse.

Never did find that pastel.

I mean, I got a replacement,
but it was never as good.

Light blue Converse. Light blue Converse.

9B. That's a good pencil.

Hey, you stole my 9B pencil.

No, I didn't.

I asked if I could borrow it

and you just kind of grunted,

which I thought that yes,
so I borrowed it.

Then I told you
I was putting it back in the soft case

because that graphite does better
in a soft container.

You grunted again,
so I thought you were cool with it.

I don't remember any of that.

Okay, bye.

You know,
it's pretty cool watching you draw.

You get really into it.
Like you have tunnel vision or something.

Thank you.

I'm Abby. Who are you?

I'm Sam Gardner.

Me and my roommates
are having a party tomorrow night.

Well, we're calling it an art jam.

I was pushing for shindig,

but Brendan always gets his way.

You should come.

I don't go to parties.

Well, in case you change your mind.

I won't. Good starfish, though.

I had a dream the other night
that I drowned in a lake.

I didn't die, but the ice froze over,

and I was trapped,

thrashing around under the water

and I could see everyone above me
on the surface,

and they were all doing great
without me and I'm...

Well, I think ever since
I almost k*lled Cindy,

that I've been drowning.

You should probably tell them
Cindy's a plant.

I thought that was obvious.

So that went pretty well, don't you think?

Yeah, definitely.

I'm starving.
You wanna get something to eat?

I don't think so.

- Is everything okay?
- Elsa stopped by my place.

What?

She said it was
to drop off my jacket, but...

I don't know.

Is she okay with our friendship?

Trust me, if Elsa has a problem
with something, she'll let me know.

Yeah, I did get that impression.

Okay. There's this new Thai place on Maple
I've been wanting to check out.

You wanna follow me there?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll see you in a little bit.

I'll see you there.

Look at this face, look at it.

Is it not lovable? Do you not wanna
spend time with his face?

Only when it's attached to your body.

Damn, right!

So why can't the peeps
in my nursing school see that?

You'd think with nine chicks
to every dude,

I'd be swimming in a sea
of potential Valentines.

But instead, I get left out of everything.

Last week a group from my fundamentals
of nursing class went and got mani-pedis.

Did they invite the Z-man?

- I have no idea.
- They did not.

And you know how much Papa loves
a good callus removal.

Oh, and on Sunday, my study group
went to see Miley Cyrus in concert.

The whole planet knows
how I feel about Miley.

"Wrecking Ball" is the saddest song
ever written.

Yet no invite for Z. It's a disgrace.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

my classmates can be annoying, too,
like the pencil thief.

Well, that's not her real name, it's Abby.

She wears light blue shoes.

Oh, I hate her already.

So, what did this Abby do to ya?

She invited me to a party or...

well, an art jam.

We must go.

What?

Dude, I love jam and jams.

I don't know,
I've never been to a real party,

and the last time I almost went to one,

Arlo stole my money and pushed me down.

And he's been receiving a small amount of
feces in the mail every month ever since.

What?

The less you know the better.

Anyway, Sammy,
here is the secret about parties:

each one has the power
to change your whole life.

Now, it may not happen,
but this could be the one.

No.

Okay, look...

I didn't wanna say this,
but I kind of need this right now.

My super smooth social skills
have not really been working

with these ladies nurses and, well...

Brown Sugar's feeling adrift.

Would it help if I whimpered?

Definitely not.

Well, think of it like an expedition.
Like your boyfriend, Shacklebutt.

Shackleton.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Come on, what do you say?

Do it for the Big Dog?

- Okay, fine.
- Yes!

But if the music's too loud
or the snacks are mesquite-y, I'm leaving.

Deal, a thousand times deal.

Hey, quick question.

Do you think they're gonna need
any nude models for this art deal-y?

'Cause I just bought these slick
new tear-away track pants.

I'll bring 'em just in case.

What's going on?

Oh, there's a sweet, young family

in my autism group
and they're going through some hard times,

and I've been feeling
like I needed a little purpose lately.

So I decided to organize a clothing drive.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you go by Megan's house the other day?

Yep.

Why?

Well, she left her jacket here,

and then when you brought those two beers
of yours into our kitchen,

I just wanted
to rip the skin off her face.

So then went to her house, but then
I realized she's just a mom like me.

What's between us is just that:

between us.

Okay.

So, do you have any clothes
you wanna donate?

Yeah, I have some old pants
and some stuff I'll get.

That'd be great.

This is so fun.
It's just like Thelma and Louise

and Louise's brother.

Let's drive off a cliff!

Just kidding. Duds for my buds?

Sure, Dud me.

How are you so peppy right now?

We're driving into hell.

It's not hell. It's New Hampshire.

I know Dad can be a bit of a bad apple,

but my Achilles' heel
is my big giant heart.

I love that about you.

I love everything about you.

All right.

- Hmm. That was encouraging.
- Oh, don't worry.

It's just my car's way of saying hello.

You only have to worry
when she doesn't do that.

Hey, do you think Dewey
still likes tummy rubs?

I'm gonna find out!

Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...

you should listen to the Big Dog
and be like Ernest Shacklebutt.

- Shackleton.
- Oh, who cares?

I'm just excited
that you're going to a party.

Just be careful if you bring snacks.

Why?

Well, I didn't wanna say anything
'cause I didn't wanna scare you.

But my roommate Meredith,

she's become sort of a cautionary tale
on campus.

Okay.

At first everything was totally fine.

But then she got really homesick.

She stopped showering
and started sleeping all the time.

Then me and my friends
convinced her to go to a party.

She thought it would be a good idea
to bring a nice block of Manchego.

But when we got there, they didn't have
a Kn*fe, they didn't have any crackers.

So after Meredith had two Aperol spritzes,

she needed something in her belly.

When they finally found her,

she was crouched in a corner nibbling on
the block of cheese like a little mouse.

And ever since she's been known
as the dorm rat.

Oh, that's a funny nickname.

No, it's dumb.

It's dumb, and it's hurtful.

Because now, Meredith spends every night
alone in the common area

just staring off into space
and eating her microwaved burrito.

The point is,

be social, make friends,
it's so important.

Okay.

I'm only really going because
the lady nurses are mean to Zahid.

He's probably trying to look down
their loose scrub shirts all the time.

- Ah, hey there, Bethy.
- Daddy!

Hi.

I made positivity brownies.

I thought a good thought with every stir.

Hmm. Look at you.

I can't believe my boy is 19.

How'd that happen?

It didn't. I'm 18.

Well, you look good.

- This is Casey.
- Hi.

Hi. Beth's told me me a lot about you.
You guys hungry?

- Josie made ham sandwiches.
- Oh, okay.

God, he doesn't even know my age.

Hey, remember this.

Casey, come meet Josie.

She's my foxy lady.

Don't get any ideas, Evan,
that's your stepmom.

No!

Evan, your dad is so proud of you.

We really wanted to come
to your high school certificate ceremony,

but since we couldn't, I'm just gonna...

Happy graduation.

Oh, wow.

Just like being in Hawaii, right?

So neat.

Jos took a Photoshop class

through the University of Phoenix.
That's where she learned to do all that.

Thanks, Josie.

- This is... this is... I love it.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, no problem.

Oh, here's another one.

I just love this photo
of your dad so much.

But your mom was in it,
so I just replaced her with a llama.

It's like he's on safari.

I took that.

So what's going on with you?

You working, taking classes?

Uh...
Yeah, I'm working at Don's Pizza Shop.

No community college or anything?

Huh! Good for you. An honest day's pay
for an honest day's work.

You're not pretending
to be someone you're not. You got grit.

He does have grit.

I know it was hard

for you kids when I left,

but in some ways it was the best
possible thing that could've happened.

It made you who you are today.

What? Dad, are you serious?

Evan, all I meant was...

Just forget it.

So, where's Dewey?

I made him seven flavored dog brownies.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Um, well, Dewey lives outside now.
- Yeah.

- Like all the time?
- He likes it that way.

He's got the whole backyard to himself.

You wanna introduce me?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Cool. We're gonna...

- Hello.
- Hi.

Carpooled with Kathy. Need wine now.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

- Everything all right?
- Hardly.

As you know, I am very connected
to the spirit world,

and I'm pretty sure...

Yep, definitely...

YGAGG. You got a ghost, girl.

What?

I've never felt it before, but, I mean,
maybe it stowed away in one of the boxes.

Are there any pockets
of cool air in this room?

Did anyone else just hear that?

I got it.

Izzie, hi.

Hi, Mrs. Gardner.

I know Casey isn't here,
but I was in the neighborhood

dropping my brother off at his friend's
house so I thought I should come by.

I accidentally took...

Casey's math book yesterday.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

So...

I should go home.

You know, we could really use your help.

We're doing this big clothing drive,

and you have such a great sense of style.

Give us a hand?

Okay. Yeah.

Question: was the previous occupant
of this house named Earl?

Or...

Pearl?

Or...

Worrell?

Worrell? Is that even a name?

Nobody here was ever named Worrell.

Hmm.

I think you're wrong.

Last thing you wanna do is talk shop
at a party,

so no artsy-fartsy chitchat.

If you need to leave,
tap me on my shoulder

and out we're outie.

Unless I have a honey on the line,
in which case, hoof it, capiche?

- Can we go inside now?
- No.

When I walk in, I'm gonna pop this,
and you're gonna scream, "Party people!"

- Absolutely not.
- Too late.

Party train's a'rollin'.

♪ Go and keep it going, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Whoa.

Hey, Sam. I'm glad you made it.

Oh, hi, Abby.

I wasn't going to come,

but my girlfriend Paige says
it's important to make new friends.

Sorry, would you mind
turning down your backpack?

Yes, very much.

There's a ton of cool people here.

- Have you met any of the potheads?
- Potheads?

I was talking about the ceramicists.

- Ceramicists?
- They're total psychos. Here, come on.

Okay, buddy, have fun.

Don't worry about me.

I'll just be over here

not listening to DJ Pattycakes,
except in my head.

You can't stop this b*at.

'Sup?

Good boy.

Come here!

I'm sorry for dragging you into this.

We shouldn't have come here. It's just
the same old sh*t with my dad every time.

Yeah.

But then we wouldn't get
to say goodbye to Dewey.

So what's wrong
with Dewey, anyway?

Oh! Yes, Dewey!

I mean, everyone dies sometime.

You said Dewey could go any day.

That is technically true.

Last week I nearly choked to death
on a string cheese.

- Life is so precious.
- So...

There's was never really anything wrong
with Dewey, was there?

All right, let's go.

Aw, come on, can't a dad
just wanna see his kids?

Yeah, most dad's could, not you!

- Okay.
- Fine. There is one thing.

I need your signature on some papers.

For what?

When you were little, your grandmother
started a college savings account for you.

I just figured
since you're not using it...

So, okay, let me get this straight.

You lured us here with a fake dying dog

so you could get my college money
from Grandma?

When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

- It is bad.
- Dad, do you have any milk to go

with these brownies?

Okay, let loose.

No, let's just go. Look at him.

It's not even worth it.

Yeah, it is.

You know what, Duane?

You are an assh*le.

It is shocking you have kids this great.

And if Evan doesn't wanna go to college,
that is his decision.

That's not yours,

it's not mine, it's his.

You lost the right to say sh*t
the moment you walked out the door

and didn't come back or call for,
what, 18 months?

Eighteen months?

You jerk.

Thank you for the hospitality.

You seem sweet.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.
I can't believe I yelled at your dad.

I was the one who was supposed
to be keeping you calm.

You are amazing.

That's the first time I haven't yelled
at my dad, like, ten years.

I love you so much.

What's taking Beth so long?

I don't know, but Josie's looking at us.
I really wanna get the hell out of here.

Casey, I feel so empowered!

I told my dad to eat sugar
and then I dognapped Dewey!

- Oh, my God!
- Duane!

Now drive, Evan, drive!

Time. Pencils down.

Dude, what? You're a machine.

Thank you.

I like your drawing, too,
especially your duck's fedora.

She's going to the royal wedding.

Hey, how do you get your webbed feet
to look like that?

It's all in the shading technique.

Can you show me?

I was already going to
whether you asked or not.

Do you have your blending stumps?

Five millimeter or ten?

Better keep them both handy.

Yo ho ho, ducks and hats, huh?

I've ducked a few hats in my day,
you know what I mean, huh?

Ugh... okay.

Well, looks like the party
sorta d*ed down...

before we got here.

Okay, what do you say, Sam?
Call it a night?

Oh, okay.

I guess we could go.

Okay. And your next prompt is penguins.

Yes!

You can't smoke that in here.

Because that would be too fun?

No, because Travis has asthma.

Zahid, wait.

Yeah?

If you're going outside anyway,
can you take the recycling?

It's in a can by the back door. Thanks.

And go.

♪ All I wanted was to break your walls ♪

♪ All you ever did was wreck me ♪

♪ I came in like a wrecking ball... ♪

Miley Cyrus, huh?

You know it.

She's one of the six people on this planet
who actually tells the truth.

I've never counted, but I believe you.

You shouldn't. I'm not one of the six.

I'm Zahid.

Gretchen.

So, Gretchen, what is an obviously
cultured woman such as yourself

doing hanging out by a dumpster?

I did that thing
where that lady says to toss out anything

that doesn't spark joy.

Ah.

I'm not usually that impressionable,

but I was like,
she's right, who needs tons of stuff?

But then when my apartment was empty,
I realized... I do.

So here I am.

Hey. You look...

limber.

Wanna swan dive on in there

and tell me if you can see
a cool mist humidifier?

Uh... no, but I will look for you.

Sorry, I don't see it.

Damn.

I kind of wanna cry right now,

but maybe it's because this
is the saddest song in the universe.

Gretchen, I'd like to go absolutely
anywhere with you right now

to discuss absolutely anything.
You down with that?

Okay.

Hmm?

♪ Yeah, you, you wreck me ♪

♪ Yeah, you, you wreck me ♪

Hey.

- So I've been doing some thinking...
- Don't lie.

Sorry.

It's my sh*t-giving reflex,
it's out of control.

I just... I think...

that the reason why I've had...

so much trouble getting my head
around the whole...

California thing is just that I...

I just... I don't wanna be like my dad.

What are you talking about?
Dude, you could never.

No, I know it doesn't make any sense.

I just...

I think that if I ever left...

I'd always feel like
I was abandoning my mom or Beth.

I just can't do that.

You're right.

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh!

I think that's your car's way
of saying goodbye.

- I made that.
- It's ridiculously adorable.

Hmm. Casey refused to wear it, of course.

But she did put it on her stuffed zebra
for a while so I consider that a win.

Okay, nope,
you are not giving this one away.

Oh, I remember that day.

Casey got in trouble
at school for acting out.

She was so upset about it.

So the next day I picked her up early
from school

and I took her to Sal E. Sour Cream,

and we had lunch together,
and it was special

because we could never go there
as a family because Sam hated it,

you know, because of the lights
and the noise and...

Oh, she was so happy.

Oh, honey, honey, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I don't know why I'm crying,
it's so stupid.

No, it's not stupid.

I don't know, I...

I guess I just wish
I had a childhood like that.

Me too.

Growing up, well...

it wasn't a great environment.

I think that's why
I always tried so hard...

to make it different
for Sam and Casey, you know,

to give them, like,

the perfect, perfect childhood.

I probably went overboard,
I mean, I probably still do.

I'm gonna tell you something that I wish
someone had told me.

Our door is always open.

No matter what you need, anything at all,
even if it's a place to stay.

Thanks.

But I'm really scared of ghosts.

So I don't think so.

Hey, thanks for picking us up.
It's a really long drive.

Well, I'm not gonna just leave you guys
on the side of the road

with all the stuff I see is an EMT.

It's really cool.

You, like, rescue people.

- You know, you save lives.
- Yeah.

Hey, do you to go to college to be an EMT?

No. I know guys that didn't.

But you have time to figure that out.
You're, what, 18, right?

Yeah. I am.

Yeah, you plenty of time
to figure it all out.

Oh, good,
are you finally moving out?

Ha ha. Good to see you, too.

Hey, how was it? How are the kids?

They're fine? Did you know
they went up there to kidnap a dog?

A dog?

Anyway, I'm gonna hit the back seat
of your car with a Dustbuster tomorrow

to get out the rest of that fur.

Thank you.

Looks like you got a lot done.
You need any help carrying anything?

Nah, I'm almost finished.

I can do the rest in the morning.

Oh, and Kathy thinks we have a ghost.

Oh, she does?

Well, I just hope
it's not another teenager.

Hey, Sam, have you seen Zahid?

He was supposed to be here an hour ago.
I'm starting to get worried.

It's not like him.

He has many flaws,
but he's usually very punctual.

No, but he did send me a text last night.

Eggplant, water droplet, dragon.

Zahid met a dragon,
or he ate a wet eggplant,

or he went swimming with a dragon?

Who the heck's the dragon?

Clearly I'm the dragon, bro.

Sorry, I'm late, buddy,
won't happen again.

Great haircut, obviously.

Well, catch you at lunch.

Dude, I just had a 65-hour date

with the most amazing-ass girl I met
at that lame-ass party you dragged me to.

Her name is Gretchen.
She can touch her tongue to her nose.

She loves jerk goat,

and we're buying a waterbed together!
Squeezes.

You thought the party was lame-ass?

Super duper lame-ass,
the lamest of all asses.

But it just goes to show you, every party
has the power to change your whole life.

Kids these days, meeting people
on Bumble and Tinder and Squirt...

Not me. I met my love by a dumpster.

- Your love?
- That's right, Sammy.

I'm in love!

I've been so busy falling in love,
I haven't showered in a few days.

Can you cover me while I go splash some
water on my pits and nuts? Okay, thanks.

Wait, that's what an eggplant means?

Oh, my God, I had no idea.

I've used that one a lot.

Well, anyway,
I'm proud of you, Sam Gardner.

You went to a college party,
and you made friends.

It's like I always say,
we need as many friends as we can get.

I'm still not sure if that's true,

but I'm glad I went to the party.

I guess I'm not like your microwaved
burrito friend after all.

A dorm rat has no friends.

Well, I should probably get going.

I'm meeting some peeps off campus
for dinner.

Lucky for me, my friend Brie has a car.

It's a VW Beetle.

She even has those fake eyelashes
on the headlights and everything.

It's hilarious.

Okay, bye, Paige.

Bye, Sam.

♪ We clawed
We chained our hearts in vain ♪

♪ We jumped never asking why ♪

♪ We kissed, I fell under your spell... ♪

Look who it is.

Hey, what's up, dorm rat?

Don't forget to put cheese
on that burrito.

♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪

♪ I never hit so hard in love ♪

♪ All I wanted was to break your walls ♪

♪ All you ever did was wreck me ♪

♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪

♪ Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung ♪

♪ Left me crashing in a blazing fall ♪

♪ All you ever did was wreck me ♪

♪ Yeah, you, you wreck me ♪

♪ Yeah, you, you wreck me ♪