03x06 - The Essence of a Penguin

[bunniefuu]

I wanna talk about
what happened at Bowdoin.

Okay.

- But I'm too ashamed.
- Okay.

But I really want to.

All right.

Here.

Okay.

[sighs] Now we can talk.

But I can't see you.

Exactly.

[sighs]

When I got to Bowdoin,

my expectations were sky high.

And why wouldn't they be?

I worked my tushy off to get to college,

and I knew it was a place
that I could fit in completely.

That stupid stinking picture.

That's what started it all.

I was certain that that would be me,

canoeing in the Bay of Fundy
with my new bestie.

But it wasn't.

Not even close.

- Can I look at you now?
- No.

No, I'm still too ashamed.

[sighs] I didn't make friends right away.

Or ever.

It just felt like people
already knew each other.

And if they didn't,
they just got each other. But...

nobody got me.

I get you.

Sort of, sometimes.

I know.

Anyway, I got sad and...

I got so sad that I couldn't focus
on my classes,

and my grades started slipping.

It was just so much harder than I thought.

So, what did you do?

I developed a vice.

Was it flavored hookah tobacco

- like Zahid's favorite auntie Shweta?
- Worse.

I got really, really into online shopping.

[computer dinging]

My roommate Meredith wasn't pleased.

Whoo!

[sighs] And five weeks later,

I'd racked up $6,000 worth
of credit card debt.

And I don't even like popcorn, but
I just ate it by the bucketful because...

college is hard.

College is hard.

Anyway...

my mom knew how lonely I was and...

she suggested that I go to a party
and try to meet some people.

We all know what happened there.

- [chattering]
- [dance music playing]

- [hisses]
- [man] What the...

And that wasn't even rock bottom.

[sobbing]

[computer dings]

You bought a canoe?

And two oars.

And I've got boat shoes on back order.
God, I'm such an idiot.

Maybe.

But I'm glad you're home.

[theme music playing]

Me too.

[theme music continues]

[crowd chattering in distance]

[sighs] Looking good, Stumpy.

[man] This is a perfect penguin.

Proportionate, graceful, realistic.

Clearly read the invitation
regarding black tie.

Classy as hell in that little tux.

I really wanted to get it right.

Well, it's beautiful.

Thanks. I like your slug.

Me too.

She gets me.

You know, I'm seeing some wonderful work
that is technically perfect.

But for this next assignment, perfect...

is meaningless.

Hang on to your sketch pads, babies,
'cause here comes the fun part.

I really enjoyed the first part.

You're gonna create a second piece,

but this time, I want you to forget
about the science

and simply capture your animal's...

essence.

Hmm? What is the essence of that meerkat?

What is the essence of that water buffalo?

[howls] What makes Sheila's she-wolf howl
at night?

Shock me!

Knock my dress socks off.

There are...

no rules.

No rules?

This is so exciting.

Oh, maybe I can use real slug slime
as one of my materials.

It's a liquid crystal, you know...

not quite a liquid, not quite a solid.

[Sam] Dumbest thing I ever heard.

The essence of a penguin?
What does that mean? It means nothing.

I'm sorry, Sammy,
I've got bigger problems.

Even though I'm giving him a whole load
of sweet threads,

somebody is making me do inventory.

Or as I call it: "inven-borey."

I love this. Is this a time zone joke?

Yeah, I'll say it is.

Why are you giving Bob your clothes?

Gretchen thinks it's time for my wardrobe
to be a bit more profesh.

Also, she seems to prefer a drabber color
palette to my usual pimpin' brights.

I think my burden is I'm just too fly.

Maybe that's my essence.

Who knows?
What does essence even mean?

I don't know. I think it's like
who you are deep down.

Like, I used to be an iridescent
leopard print kind of guy,

but now I'm a pale neutrals
kind of dude: essence.

Ooh, would this work
for my trip to Jamaica?

Only if you wanna get laid.

Looks like it would pack small.

Lorna only gives me a third of a suitcase.

Oh, Bob.

I thought I knew
who a penguin was deep down,

but maybe I don't.

Maybe I haven't spent enough time
studying them.

Oh, you definitely gotta put in
the quality time.

Then it's settled.

I'm gonna need a ride to the aquarium
approximately four to five times a week

until further notice.

I'm gonna text Paige.

She has a car and a boat.

Oh, in case of a storm, good thinking.

That's quite the haul, Bobbo.

How's inventory coming?

Didn't you catch my hilarious joke?
I called it "inven-borey."

- 'Cause I abhor it.
- Well, someone's gotta do it.

[mocks]

Paige is too busy updating her resume
and preparing for world domination.

What does that mean?

I think it means no.

And that Paige has a pretty
confrontational worldview.

Well, I need someone
to drive me to the aquarium.

- Wait, Sammy, that's it.
- What?

I will give you unlimited rides
to the aquarium to study your little homie

if you do inventory for me.

Even on weekends?

Aquarium parking can get pretty tricky
on the weekends.

sh*t, I ain't scared.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?

Deal.

[Elsa] They say the best caretakers

are those that weren't
cared for themselves.

That's definitely true for me.

I am great when I'm needed,

not quite so good when I'm not needed.

But you guys...

you really needed me.

And I loved being there for you.

[sighs]

But now it's time to go our separate ways.

There you go.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

- You need friends.
- Hi, honey.

Paige is coming
to pick up my little buddies.

You on your way to school?

Yeah. Where I get to see Izzie.
Extra fun 'cause we're in a fight.

Oh, no. What happened?
Do you need me to help?

No, there's nothing you can do to help.

Sometimes I just say stuff.
You don't have to do anything about it.

But I can if you want.

[laughs] Why, the plants are leaving
so you need somebody to tinker with?

No.

Hmm. Maybe.

If you need me.

I don't.

- Oh, fine.
- [Paige] Hey, there!

Oh, thank you so much for taking care
of my babies, Mrs. Gardner.

You know my mom, she means well,

but she's pretty hopeless
when it comes to this.

Don't even get me started about that
poor cactus that she shut in the window.

So is this the look
you usually wear to garden?

Job interviews.

I've got three today.

It would be really easy for me to just
slip into a pit of despair right now,

but as Amelia Earhart said,

the most effective way
to do it is to just do it.

So I'm just doing it.

- Well, it certainly is inspiring.
- Yeah.

I got a whole book
of power quotes for graduation, so...

And, I mean,
I would make a great hire, right?

I've been babysitting since I was 12
and working ever since.

When I was 14, I was the hostess
at Sal E. Sour Cream.

The potato place?

Sam hates it there.

Yeah, I know.

We kind of can't talk
about that time in my life.

Oh, there are my babies.

Oh, okay, well...

wish me luck.

Good luck.

- A lot going on here in the morning
- Yep.

You still mad at me?

Yeah.

You were such a d*ck to Evan at the party.

Why'd you say all that?

Because it was true.

It wasn't your place.

I thought it was.

Well, I guess I just have to be careful
what I tell you from now on.

Guess you do.

[mocks] "Guess you do."

Sorry.

That was childish.

[knock on door]

- Hey, Mr. Gardner.
- Casey's at school.

No, I know. I was actually
coming to see you.

About what?

I just wanted to apologize.

I... I messed up...

with the ride along and...

Okay.

Well, I just hoping

that you'd give me another chance...

if that's cool.

Well, you're not gonna have me sitting
around waiting for you again, are you?

No, sir.

You have a decent pair of pants?

- Well, yeah, I could get some.
- Yeah.

Are you free Thursday?

Yeah, Thursday, totally free. Yeah.

- All right, well, I'll see you then.
- Thursday.

Thank you. It's...

Thank you very much. See you Thurs...

- He's gonna screw it up.
- You never know, he might surprise you.

It's good to give people second chances.

He's gonna screwed it up.

[Sam] I don't do well with abstract.

Maybe that's why this is hard.

Or maybe it's just
the dumbest assignment of all time.

Hey, can you see my nipples
through this shirt?

No.

[groans] Yeah, I know.

You know, Gretchen likes what she likes
and hates what she hates,

but sometimes I'm just like, "Hey, girl,
you're not always right about everything."

Do Stumpy's feathers look dull to you?

Look, I'm not one to comment
on a penguin's appearance.

Ugly penguins need love, too,
but Stumpy looks good to me.

- 'Sup, chimps?
- Uh-oh, hottie alert! Get in here.

[pants, sniffs]

[exhales]

- Man, these puffins smell like butt.
- [Zahid laughs]

They're not puffins.

They're penguins,
and their odor is completely natural.

Hey, did you know

that when Christopher Columbus discovered
the penguins,

he wanted to call them turd birds?

That's a true story.

- For real? Turd birds?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

No, not for real, none of that is real.

Now, can I please get some peace
and quiet while I observe?

No prob, slob.

It's time to corn dog and chill anyway.

You gotta trust me on this.
I know what you're thinking,

"Aquarium corn dogs?
You lost your mind."

But this place has the dopest,

nay, loveliest

corn dogs around.

What do you say, bae?

Okay. Whatever.

♪ Don't hold back, I want to break free ♪

[vocalizes]

♪ Baby, let all them voices slip away ♪

♪ Don't look back, I want to break free ♪

♪ If you never see 'em coming... ♪

Yo, Gretchen and I saw all the fish twice,

now she's in the gift shop buying us
Rastafarian octopus hats.

How's it going over here?

Okay.

I've been watching Stumpy really closely,
and I wrote down her whole schedule.

And her essence needs to be
in here somewhere.

Rock-solid logic, brother.

Thanks. Did you get your corn dog?

Funny thing.

Um, we were about to order,

and Gretchen
convinced me to give up gluten.

So no corn dog for me, but it's cool.

It's cool, I mean,
corn dogs are just salty meat rockets

wrapped in a blanket of...

fluffy sugar cake.

I mean, what's good about that?

[woman]...the North Pacific. Yeah.

Hey, question.

Is it bad form to ask a random kid
for a meat-only bite of their corn dog?

That doesn't sound right.

Well, I won't know till I try.

Hey, have you guys seen Izzie?

She gave me a tampon,
but I think that was yesterday.

I don't think she's in school today,
and she hasn't texted me back.

It's really not like her.

Sounds like her.
I love Izzie, but she's a mess.

Freshman year she didn't come
to school for three weeks straight.

Never said a word about it.

Maybe she's like a secret spy
and goes on missions. Lucky ho.

Nachos?

I'm good. [laughs]

These are oxygen tanks. Make sure they're
all the way off or you can blow us up.

[laughs] Oh, got it.

You sure you've got it?
'Cause that one's important.

Got it.

- So...
- [Doug sighing]

So is this, like,
a normal day for you guys?

Just sitting around waiting
for a call to come in?

Well, we don't just sit around
and do nothing.

- If that's what you're saying.
- Oh, no, that's not what I was say...

'Cause staying vigilant even when you're
waiting is the hardest part of the job.

Right.

But there can be a lot of sitting around.

I'm really sorry that I messed this up
before. I really do wanna be here.

[exhales]

So what's Casey up to today?
Let's talk about her. You both like her.

Oh, she's at school.

And then I think she's training
with Izzie,

which is good that I'm not there

'cause Izzie's not really my biggest fan

and she thinks that Casey's
slumming it with me.

Which, you know,
I'm gonna stop talking about right now.

[man] Two-vehicle collision
on Lawn Forest. Can we get backup?

We're on it. Saved by the call.

- Let's go. Get in.
- Buckle up.

- No, inside.
- The back?

Inside.

Ooh, boy.

This essence assignment is stupid. I need
you to tell me if I'm doing it right.

Well, only your animal can tell you that.

But I'll do my best.

This is Stumpy's schedule.

- Stumpy is...
- My penguin.

You got a penguin. Got it. Go on.

I've taken detailed notes on everything,

including when and where she eats,
sleeps and defecates.

Poor lady has no privacy.

Her essence has to be in there somewhere.
I just need you to tell me where.

What?

Oh, Sam, no, no, no.

No. What has the world done to you?

This is what your penguin does.

It's not who she is.

What does that mean? What is essence?

I think sometimes the essence of a thing

can be as much about
what that thing is not...

as it is what it is.

- What?
- Yeah.

Here's some lavender oil. It's calming.

Got me through some rough spots.

[dance music playing]

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, b-baby, baby ♪

See? Even Google doesn't know
what the essence of a penguin is. Google!

Ugh. And they're spying on everyone.

Dude, I dig, but to me, essence is energy.

As the French say,
it's someone's joie de vivre.

It's "joy de vivre."

Um, what?

You said joie de vivre, it's joy de vivre.

I don't think so, babe.

Zahid, pull over.

Please, don't pull over.

We have to get to the aquarium
before Stumpy goes into her cave,

which according to her schedule is...

in half an hour.

Joie.

Joy.

Joie.

Joy!

Oh, hell no!

[Sam] But Stumpy!

♪ Oh, yeah, push it real good ♪

Gretchen. You know what?
If you're wrong, you're wrong!

[music continuing]

[vocalizing]

♪ Push it real ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, b-baby, baby ♪

♪ Push it good ♪

♪ Push it real good ♪

♪ Ah! Push it... ♪

♪ Push it real good ♪

[Zahid sighs]

Do not despair, Sammy, America's
favorite couple is back together.

Oh, that totally sucked,
but at least I got 7,000 steps in.

[Zahid] Lovely.

Okay, let's get this sh*t show back
on the road. Next stop, the aquarium.

[Gretchen] Whoo-hoo!

You can take me home.

Stumpy's already napping in her cave.

But we're almost there.

What do you say we swing through,
see if the Stumpster's hanging around,

and if not, we'll leave. Okay?

Okay, let's do this!

- [engine turns over]
- [dance music playing]

♪ Ahh! Push it... ♪

- [Doug] All right, what's your name?
- Bianca.

Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?

- Three.
- Okay, good.

See if you can follow this light
without moving your head.

- [Chuck] There you go.
- Where's my son? Where's Will?

Will? Will!

It's okay. He's over there with Evan.

[Evan laughs] Looks real good.

Who's Evan?

He's, um... he's our co-worker.

- It's coming in.
- [imitates hitting a baseball]

If I say hi, will you even hear me,
or do I need to text you?

Just text me.

Ugh. Okay, I wanna say something,
but just because it's on my mind

and it's bothering me.

I don't want you do anything, just listen.

Okay.

No doing, just listening.

Picture me as one gigantic cartoon ear
with legs.

Really nice legs.

Eww, no. Anyway...

Izzie wasn't at school today
or at practice.

I haven't heard from her. We're in a fight
so we're not talking. She might be sick.

But I don't know, and it's making worried.

Hmm.

- No doing.
- You know...

You're planning something. I can smell it.

I've been meaning to bring some clothes
over from the clothing drive

- for her sisters and her brother.
- No, stop right there.

- I could easily drive by their place...
- No meddling.

...knock on the door
and make sure everyone's okay.

[chimes]

Okay, text from Izzie, she's fine.

I'm not convinced.

You know what?
I shouldn't have said anything.

If she says she's good, she's good, okay?

I know it's hard for you,
but try, don't meddle.

Meddle? I wasn't even thinking about it.

Hi.

Um...

Hey, my mom wanted me to drop off these
clothes for your brothers and sisters.

- Thanks. That's nice of her.
- Yeah.

You weren't in school today?

No.

Is everything okay?

No.

My mom, she disappeared
like she sometimes does

and caused a bunch of chaos,
like she always does. [laughs]

But we found her, so it's fine.

Thank your mom for these.

Yeah.

[laughs] She's the best.

[woman] Emmy Lou, come on, let's go.

Wow, finally!

Yo, Sammy.

I've been looking out for your bird,

but I can't tell these little guys apart,
no offense.

It's okay. She's not out anymore.

Wait.

Yes, she is. She's right there.

Okay, see?

She switched it up on ya. That's what
ladies do to keep you guessing.

No, not Stumpy.

She always follows her schedule.
She's very regular.

She's looking kind of rough.

Hey, why's she nipping at that other guy?
That's not fun play.

Something's not right.

She should be resting in her cave
right now, not fighting with her friends.

[scoffs] Okay. Another kid.

I'm gonna go find that beluga who
winks when you pound on the glass.

Let me know when you're done
watching your puffin break bad. [scoffs]

What do you wanna do, Sammy?

We need to find a trainer.

Okay.

[Sam] So we found one.

Trainer Malik hadn't noticed
the irregularities in Stumpy's behavior,

but when I pointed it out,
he ran the appropriate tests.

- Turns out she had a parasite.
- No.

Yes.

They usually catch them early,
but this one was moving especially fast.

Trainer Malik says I saved her life.

You are a hero, Sam Gardner!

That's true.

But it's a big deal when a penguin
has an irregularity in their routine

because penguins are so consistent.

I love that about them.

I have an idea.

What was that for?
And give me another one.

Okay, fine, last one.

Sometimes I just appreciate
how annoying you are.

You do?

Sometimes.

I'll take it.

Hey, why did Paige bring her plants back?

I didn't know she did. I just got home.

"You are a better mother
than I'll ever be.

Thank you in advance
for giving them the best life.

Yours in perpetuity,

Paige Penelope Hardaway"

Paige's middle name is Penelope?

I think I need to meddle.

Yeah, meddle.

Meddle on, Mama.

PP Hardaway.

It's too good.

So...

you did good today.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And you know what I was saying about...

- waiting being the hardest part?
- Yeah.

It's not. The hardest part...

about being an EMT is knowing how to act
when someone's in distress.

And you...

keeping that kid happy...

and safe even though no one told you to...

that was good, I... I was impressed.

Hey, thanks.

[chuckles]

And that thing you were saying
about Izzie...

Let me tell you something,
when I first started dating Elsa...

her mother hated me.

Really?

Yeah, she thought I was a bum and...

didn't want me anywhere
near her daughter.

So what changed?

Nothing, really.

Eventually, I just realized
it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

- as long as Elsa's got my back.
- Hmm.

Okay, I got one double burger
with cheese and two without.

Who wants to play lactose roulette?

[laughs]

Here you go.

I like your khaki pants, man.

[laughs] Thanks.

All right, here we go.

- [chattering]
- [video games chirping]

[laughs]

Welcome to Sal E. Sour Cream.
I'll be your best spud today.

Can I take your order?

Your mom told me where I could find you.

Well, we can't talk in tot territory.

Follow me to the burlap sack.

That's what we call our break room.

Potato, what about our order?

Here we are.

Feel free to sit down.

I would, but I can't crease my spud butt.

Sure. Thanks.

I assume you're here
to talk about the plants.

And to check on you.

Well...

Honestly, I'm not great.

Um... I went on all those job interviews,
and I didn't get a single one.

And so I...

ended up back here, slinging the cream.

That's why I wanted you
to take care of my plants because...

you're just such
a natural caretaker and...

I'm a natural disaster.

Oh, honey, I've had my share
of natural disasters, too.

I just never thought
that my life would turn out like this.

I mean, I was student
class president and...

editor of the yearbook

and, I mean, just a couple months ago

I was starting college
at the school of my dreams.

Now look at me.

And this is the only job I could find.

I used to be President Paige.

No, I'm Potato Paige.

I know how that feels.

When you think things are gonna
go one way and they don't.

But you'll be okay.

[sobbing] Yeah, right.

What in the world makes you say that?

Because you're still
that same little go-getter.

That feisty overachiever

who would convince the entire PTA
to have a silent dance

just so her boyfriend could attend,

that's still you.

Thank you.

I guess I am a natural leader.

But would you mind hanging onto my plants

just for a little longer
just till I get on my feet?

Not at all, honey.

[Sam] I recently realized
that the essence of anything

is the thing that stays true
about them in any situation.

And the essence of a penguin is similar
to the essence of me,

Sam Gardner.

We're both consistent.

Couldn't find what I was looking for
back there so I'ma check downstairs.

[Sam] But a penguin's essence
is so much more than that.

- [phone chiming]
- [chuckles]

[knock on door]

Come in.

- [Sam] Penguins need each other.
- Hi.

[exhales] Hi.

I'm a jerk.

[Sam]
They look out for the good of the colony.

Hey. How'd it go with Evan today?

Um...

You know, the kid has some growing up
to do, for sure, but...

he's a good kid.

See? Aren't you glad
you gave him a second chance?

Oh, be quiet.

[Sam] And once a penguin decides
to do something...

there's no changing her mind.

It happens sometimes.

I just feel bad for the kids,
it's scary for them.

But they're with my grandma now, so...

Thank you for letting me stay here.

Yeah, of course.

And I am so sorry
for how I acted at that dinner party.

Dude, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I was just stirring sh*t up
just because...

What?

Because I was jealous.

Why?

You know why.

[Sam] Because the essence of a penguin
comes down to this:

penguins live
in abnormally harsh conditions

and they never leave.

They're one of the few species that stays,
struggles and perseveres.

So to me,

that's the essence of a penguin.

It stays.

Which I can appreciate

because sometimes college
feels like that, too.

So I guess in a way you could say

I'm like a penguin
and Denton is my Antarctica.

Sam, permission to hug you.

Permission granted.

[sniffles]

So did I pass?

[pop music playing]

♪ Waking up in dark clouds
It's a shakedown ♪

♪ Believe that all my love
And all my blood keeps me up ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm believing in the change ♪

[vocalizing]