05x11 - Mama Bell

[bunniefuu]

Evenin', Thelma.
Doin' some gardening?

Well, I always forget to
water these darn things.

I swear all I have to do is
look at a fern and it dies.

I brought you this hambone.

I thought you might like to make
some of your famous pea soup.

Well, there is plenty
of good left on that.

Thank you, Iola. I'll
start the soup tonight.

We'll have it for
lunch tomorrow.

Hey, mama, does all
that smoke in the kitchen

mean supper is done?

Oh, my, Iola, I forgot
my macaroni and cheese!

Well, sh**t, I'm gonna
dynamite that stuff out of the pan.

Coming, Thelma.

Water the ferns.

What for? They're not smokin'.

Well, Skeeter.

- Ha ha ha!
- Oh.

What on earth
have you got there?

- Look at this sweet old dog.
- Aww.

Do you realize that
somebody tied her

to the bicycle
stand at Food Circus

and just abandoned her?

I call her Old Lady..

Just like "Lady and the Tramp."

Gee, she looks more
like old tramp, to me.

You're not thinkin' of
keepin' her, are you?

Well, just until we can
find her a decent home.

Oh, forget it. Mama won't
have a dog in the house.

After Topaz d*ed, she swore

she'd never take
in any more strays..

Unless they were
blood relations.

Honey, couldn't we just keep
her in the garage for a day or two?

Your mama wouldn't
even have to know.

Well... well..

The old girl is kind of cute.

I guess we could
keep her from mama

for a couple of days.

I better take her back
to the garage right away.

Oh, thank you so much. Mwah.

I'll tell you what,
I'll go inside

and make sure your
mama stays in there.

Okay. Come on.
Come on. Here we go.

Hello. I'm home.

Oh, get off my back!

Oh, grandma, why can't you
just write down a message

when I get a phone call?

I don't have to. I can remember.

Didn't I just tell
you, you got a call?

Yeah, but from who?

She said her name
was Melinda or... Melissa

or, uh, Melanie.

But which one? I
know all those girls.

Well, why do you hang out with
girls with such common names?

I would remember if she
was an Olympia or a Jasmine.

You know the Brinkerhoff's?

They named their
little girl Sigourney

after Sigourney Weaver.

Yeah? I heard it's 'cause
the kid looks like a gorilla.

Bubba's right, Miss Harper.

You have been forgettin' a
lot of phone messages lately.

Well, when the hell
did you sneak in here?

Like just the other morning

you forgot to tell
me that Luann called

to say she was sick and
couldn't come in to work.

That's because I
knew she was lyin'.

I could hear a man
laughin' in the background.

Well, still, you should
have given me the message.

Well, wouldn't
have done any good.

She'd have forgotten her name.

Back off, you ingrates!

I'm runnin' a household
here, not a switchboard.

Oh, wait a minute

I think I have the
solution to your problem.

Yeah? If it's got somethin'
to do with them movin' out

I'm all ears.

Thelma, what you need is a
telephone answering machine.

Hey, what a great idea!

It sure is, Miss Harper!

Oh, no, you don't.

I hate those things.

If I want to talk to a machine

I'll have a chat
with my Osterizer.

Oh, come on, now.

Lots of people have phone
answering machines nowadays.

Lots of people got hair
growin' out of their ears too.

You want some of that?

Vinton, get up here for dinner.

I swear, you people
think I got money to burn.

Oh, Thelma, it won't
cost you a dime.

You can have
ours. We can't use it.

It's on the same frequency
as mother's hearing aid.

Every time it beeps,
she gets a nosebleed.

Well, gee, I can hardly
wait to have it in my house.

Oh, please, Miss Harper?

It would be the
answer to our prayers.

Why don't I bring it on over?

- Alright. Might as well.
- Great.

Now we'll never have to worry

about grandma's
forgetfulness again.

For the last time,
I am not forgetful.

Oh, Thelma, you
forgot to put the soup on.

I knew that!

I swear, these g*ons
are gonna drive me nuts.

Well, where in the world is..

Well, what the..

Uh, what you lookin' for, mama?

Well, I can't remember
where I put the soup bone.

Gee, I guess you're
becomin' forgetful

in your old age.

Maybe so.

Lately it's been slippin'
my mind to slap you silly!

Wow... this baby
is top of the line.

A Satsubishi 1200.

Now, the first
thing you have to do

is record an outgoing message
for when the machine picks up.

This was ours.

Hello. We are not available.

Leave name, time, number

and brief message at the tone.

Well, Iola, you forgot

"The white zone is for loadin'

and unloadin' the
passengers only."

Yeah, our message ought
to be warm and friendly

like this.

Hey, whisper somethin'
sweet when you hear the beep

and I'll reach out and touch you

just as soon as I can.

Mwah. Bye bye.

Good Lord, Naomi

it's supposed to be a
phone message, not foreplay.

What people really like are
those funny announcements.

Thank you. Thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.

The rumors are true.

I'm alive and livin' at
the Harper house, baby.

So if you love me tender

leave me a message
after the b*at.

Hey!

What do you think? Ha ha!

Well, it makes me want to
step on your blue suede head.

Oh... was that Elvis?

I thought you were doin' Nixon.

My turn! My turn!

My turn.

Hello.

I am speaking to you

from a Satsubishi 1200.

No kiddin', this baby is loaded.

Dual micro tapes remote control

unlimited message
voice-activated.

Uh, it's in the
wood tone finish...

Will you knock it off?

What are you gonna do
next, read the warranty?

Mama, gettin' the right
message isn't easy.

It could take us all night.

The hell, you say.

It's your dime. Spill it!

All night, my foot.

Vinton, I made you a
nice meatloaf sandwich

for your lunch today.

Oh, thanks, mama.

I thought you were makin'
pea soup for lunch today.

Well, I would have
if that darn hambone

hadn't done a disappearin' act.

Whose dog is that, anyway?

What dog?

The one whose yowlin'
kept me up half of the night.

Sounds like "The Hound
of the Baskervilles."

Well, there it goes again.

Gee, mama, maybe you
better get your ears checked out.

There's no dog.

I am not nuts. I know
a bark when I hear one.

Bubba, get down here!

Right this minute, Bubba!

Vinton, you've got
to do something

to keep Old Lady quiet.

I know. I'll take
her somethin' to eat.

Good idea, honey.
I'll cover for you.

Oh, I'll get you

another cup of
coffee, sweetheart.

Please, retain your seat.

Here it comes.

Just the way you
like it nice and hot.

Thanks, baby.

I just want you to go right over
there and stand by the window

and just tell me what you hear.

The faucet's dripping.

Not that. Now,
just wait a second.

Now just listen.

Refrigerator hum?

No.

Uncle Vint sippin' coffee?

The rustle of dry leaves.

Bubba, this is not
a guessin' game!

I want you to hear the dog!

What dog?

The dog that's not barkin' now.

Come on, Miss Harper

you better sit down
and rest a spell.

Yeah, mama, I think
maybe you got out of bed

too fast this mornin'.

Are you a little groggy?

Don't yell at me! I ain't deaf!

And quit treatin' me like
I'm ready for strained foods.

I'm tellin' you. My
mind is clear as a bell.

Oh, no, don't pick it up!
Let the machine answer it!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

It's your dime. Spill it!

Thelma, it's Iola.

Where are you?

We're gonna be
late for that big sale

at The House of Chintz.

Oh, my Lord. Where
did the time go?

Did it slip your mind, or
shall I go on without you?

No. Don't you
dare go without me!

Hey and just for
your information

nothin' slipped my mind.

Underneath these gray curls

there lurks a steel trap.

Of course, it's not always set.

I'll tell you what, Iola,
between the two of us

we nearly cleaned out
The House of Chintz.

Well, whenever I see
pink gingham on sale

I lose all self-control.

Well, good Lord!

Some dog left his
callin' card on my lawn

and I just stepped in it.

Oh, I hate that.

Well, who likes it?

I'll tell you what,
you know what

there is a law against
this sort of thing

but do dogs care? No.

Thelma, as much as I'm
enjoyin' this conversation

I suppose I should get home.

Well, watch where
you're walkin'.

How the hell did
you miss it, anyway?

Goodnight, I'll tell you what

I just had this darn
shoe resoled too.

Thanks a lot, Fido.

So long.

Psst! Psst! Psst! Iola, shh.

Well, Vint, what are
you hidin' back there for?

Shh! Ha ha ha!

It's a secret from mama.

I think she's already
gotten wind of it.

We call her "Old
Lady". She's a stray.

Aww, the poor thing.

What are you gonna do with her?

Yeah, we're keepin'
her in the garage

until we can find
her a good home.

Naomi put up a notice
on the bulletin board

down at Food Circus and I got a
sign in the window at Kwik Keys.

Aww, I can't bear
to think of that cutie

locked up in the garage.

Maybe I can talk
mother into lettin' her stay

with us for a few days.

Oh, you think she'd go for it?

There's a chance.
It's tapioca day.

That usually puts
her in a good mood.

Come on, Old Lady.

If mama finds out about you

we're both gonna
be in the doghouse.

Uh-oh.

Not a dog in sight.

Well, a nice sandwich
will calm my nerves.

Well now, I know I had half a
meatloaf in here this mornin'.

At least I think I
had half a meatloaf.

Did I even make a meatloaf?

Get a grip, Thelma.
You're talkin' to yourself.

It's your dime. Spill it!

Naomi, this is Dr. Bishop.

My office is right
across from Food Circus.

My secretary tells me
you're lookin' for a home

for your Old Lady.

Yeah I know of a nice place
right on the outskirts of town.

It's a little run-down, but
she won't know the difference.

Oh, don't worry. There's
a high fence around it.

So she won't be able to get out.

If you like, you can
bring her to my office

and I'll sedate
her for the trip.

Oh, my Lord!

They're gonna lock me
up and throw away the key.

I can't believe that they
are actually gonna try

and put me in a home.

Just because I forgot a
few phone messages?

I lost a meatloaf or two?

I hear dogs that aren't there?

Alright, so I'm losin' it.

They don't have to put me away.

They could just
lock me in the attic

like any decent family would do.

It's your dime. Spill it!

Hello. I'm callin'
for Vint Harper.

If your Old Lady's
still up for grabs

I can take her off your hands.

What did they do,
take out an ad?

I'll make a nice place
for her in the barn

so she can watch the livestock.

Of course, on real cold nights

I'll let her come in
and sleep with me

if she's the affectionate type.

Oh, my Lord!

They're sellin' me
into white sl*very.

Call me back at..

555-5540.

Ask for Purvis.

Well, Purvis, you pervert.

You're gonna have to sleep
alone 'cause I'm gonna erase you.

It's your dime. Spill it!

Hello.

This is Theresa Parker

and I am urgin' you to
reconsider findin' a home

for your Old Lady.

It simply isn't right.

Well, bless you,
Theresa, whoever you are.

I have seen the poor dear

wanderin' around the
parkin' lot at the Food Circus

and believe me, the
only kind thing to do

is put her out of her misery.

Get off the phone,
you mother k*ller!

Good Lord!

I gotta get out of here

before it's too late!

Yoo-hoo, Vint.

I need to have a word with you.

Thank the Lord. There's
Iola. She'll save me.

Well, What's the verdict?
Can you take her off my hands?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Mother says she's your
responsibility, not ours

but, Vint, I still don't think

you should lock
her in the garage.

Well, what else can I do?
You know how mama is.

Well, Thelma's bound
to find out sooner or later.

You better get rid of
her before it's too late.

Well, you two-faced
little monster!

Merrily shoppin' by
my side one minute

the next minute,
ready to k*ll me.

Oh, no, it's Naomi.

Now it's three against one.

They are not gonna
take me without a fight.

Good news! Good news!

I found a wonderful
home for the dog.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Yeah, where is it?

The Puente Pines
Retirement Home.

You mean, they
take in old dogs too?

Oh, yes, it's part
of their policy

to have pets for the elderly.

The old folks really
enjoy the companionship

and so do the dogs.

Oh, that sounds
like a grand idea.

Yeah.

So, let's go in and call 'em

tell 'em we're gonna bring
Old Lady over this afternoon.

Boy, this sounds like
it's gonna work out

just perfect.

Frankly, I'm amazed
you found someone

to take in the old bag of bones.

How'd you like to
be a bag of bruises?

Hello. Is this the Puente
Pines Retirement Home?

Oh, good. Well, this
is Naomi Harper callin'.

I spoke to you earlier.

We've decided to bring our
Old Lady over this afternoon.

Huh?

Oh, well, sure,
we could do that.

Okay, I'll see you
later. Bye-bye.

Honey, they want us
to give her a bath first.

Oh, my.

It's gonna take all three of us

to hold her down in the tub.

I better get some
rope and tie her up

so she won't
jump out of the car.

Alright, that's it!

Nobody is tyin' anybody up!

Uh-oh, Vinton, I
think she's onto us.

You bet she is, missy.

Now mama, we
just didn't tell you

'cause we knew you'd be upset.

But of course I'm upset!
Who wouldn't be upset?

How would you all
like to be carted off

to the Puente Pines
Retirement Home?

Oh, gee, I think it beats

bein' locked up in a garage.

Yeah, it's really
beautiful out there, mama.

Wait till you see it.

One more step, and
you're gonna see God.

I didn't hear that.

Hey, grandma, I
found your barkin' dog.

She was shut up in the garage.

Yeah, mama knows all about it.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Somebody abandoned
her at Food Circus, Bubba

so I brought her home

till we could find
her a place to live.

I call her Old Lady.

You do?

Puente Pines Retirement
Home wants to take her

but for some reason,
mama's dead-set against it.

I am?

Thelma, I wish you
would reconsider.

She'll be gettin' so
much love and attention.

Okay, you twisted my arm.

Ha ha! Hey, did
you hear that, girl?

Looks like you found
yourself a new home.

Hey, you know what?
This mutt is kind of cute.

I'll tell you what, sweetie pie

if you don't like it out there

you can always
stay here with me.

Really, mama? You mean it?

You bet. Us old ladies
gotta stick together.