05x22 - The Mother of Invention

[bunniefuu]

Alright, here's the bacon.

Oh, boy!

Good Lord, I could've
lost a hand in there!

Save some for me, you piranhas.

Knock, knock.

Oh, I hope I'm not interruptin'
a pleasant family breakfast.

Are you kiddin'?
This is the Harpers.

Not the Huxtables.

Well, I just couldn't wait
to tell you the excitin' news.

I met a man.

Well, that's not exciting.
That is downright miraculous.

As I was sayin', I met this
man, Mr. Keith Wheeler

at the arts and crafts
show yesterday.

And he said that I had the
nicest ornamental bucket

he had ever seen.

Well, I have always thought

that it was one of
your best features.

Well, as it turns out

this Mr. Wheeler is an
innovative merchandiser.

He just travels all
over the country

lookin' for new ideas and
inventions to distribute.

Oh! Sounds like a
man I should be meetin'.

He's interested in
Iola's bucket, not yours.

At any rate, Mr. Wheeler
asked me to choose

my favorite handicraft

so that he could evaluate
its market potential.

So, I've got it narrowed
down to my two favorites.

But, I need your unbiased
opinion as to which one is best.

Well, I hope you're
not gonna show him

that happy-face
toilet-seat cover of yours.

No, of course not.

I'm aimin' for the high-tech,
high-income, yuppie market.

Oh, well, no wonder
she asked us to judge.

This is item "A"

the ultimate tooth fairy.

Well, she kind of looks
like Barbie with wings.

At first glance, perhaps,
but one flip of the wrist

she becomes an
electric dental hygienist

ready to fight plaque
wherever it lurks.

What do you think?

Well, yuppies first.

I don't know, Iola.

I think there's somethin'
awful creepy about that.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I wouldn't feel right
rippin' her little body apart

just to clean my teeth.

Yeah, every time I
think of the tooth fairy

it reminds me
of teeth fallin' out.

Face it, Iola, the
fairy bites the big one.

Oh, very well.

Choice "B" is my
favorite anyway.

This one item will revolutionize

the home-healthcare industry.

Don't tell me that's one of
them June Allyson things.

No.

This is an invalid turner.

Allow me to
demonstrate, if I may.

Now, pretend that
this sack of laundry

is the bedridden patient.

All you have to
do is wrap him up

in the hypoallergenic liner

using the convenient
Velcro straps.

So easy! So quick! So humane!

Then you simply flip,
using the sturdy straps.

Time for a pill?

Time for a sh*t?

Well?

Well, let me take a look
at that tooth fairy again.

Oh, but, Thelma,
this really works.

I tried it on mother.

She said it was more
fun than the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Hey, baby, maybe you
and I better go for a flip

in that thing tonight.

Come to think of it,
this could be a big seller

with perverts as a
secondary market.

I could make it in
lace... or leather.

The possibilities are endless.

Say, when are you
meetin' with Mr. Wheeler?

He's comin' by today at two.

Thelma, I hope you don't mind

I asked him to
meet me over here.

What?

You know how mother breaks out

in a rash around strangers.

Forget it, Iola.

Why not, grandma?

Maybe we can sell him
some inventions, too.

Yeah, I've been workin'
on an idea for years.

Well, be patient,
baby. It'll come to you.

Oh, please, Thelma.

This one little idea
could make me millions.

Well, it could make me a wreck

tryin' to get this house
cleaned up by 2 o'clock.

Forget it! It's out
of the question.

I'll give you a nickel
for every one I sell.

Will you deadbeats
get out of the way?

I got a house to scrub.

Yeah, move that a
little to the left, Skeeter.

Yeah, that's good.
Oh, here she comes!

Here she comes.

Well, what kind of a mess

are you makin' in my clean room?

You'll see! Sit down,
Mama. Sit down.

We have made a little
invention of our own.

And it's more sure-fire
than the slinky.

- Show her, Uncle Vint.
- Heh heh heh.

Well, sir..

I got this brainstorm

one day down at Kwik-Keys

when I was on my
way to the dumpster.

That sounds like a perfect
place for an idea of yours.

Yeah.

See, I was carryin' this
box of old, broken locks

some without keys,
some without tumblers

you get the picture.

When I said to
myself "Vint," I said

"isn't there somethin'
that you can do

"to put these useless
locks to good use?"

I tell you, if he
has said that once

he has said that
a thousand times.

So we put our heads together

and this is what
we came up with.

You remember the Pet Rock?

Well, take a look
at... The Pet Lock!

Well, for cryin' out loud!

You see, this
is his little house

and this is his little family.

Here's the daddy lock
and the mommy lock

and all the little baby locks.

And this is their
little "lock-er spaniel."

Hey, what do they
drive around in?

Their "Cadil-Lock".

Well, what do you say, Mama?

I say get this
crap off my table.

Vinton, you have come
up with some lame ideas

but this one qualifies you
for handicapped parkin'!

Oh!

That's Iola and Mr. Wheeler now.

Now, I'm warnin' you...

Where's the dog? Oh..

Here he is, right here.

Now, stay. Woof. Woof woof.

Hey. Hey. Hey!

If you three g*ons
ruin Iola's demonstration

you are gonna need an
invalid flipper of your own!

Thelma, I would like you
to meet Mr. Keith Wheeler

of "Creative Marketing
Concepts Inc."

Well, hi. I'm Thelma Harper

of Thelm-Ola Industries Corp.

Won't you please come in?

Thank you, Mrs. Harper.

Uh, just pay no
attention to them, Keith.

They're some of our
factory workers on a break.

Well, I am on a tight schedule

so if we might proceed
with the demonstration?

Oh, by all means.

It is my pleasure to
present the invalid turner.

It comes in six soothing colors.

All machine-washable.

And it has been road-tested.

She was able to flip her mother

twenty six times
in five minutes.

Well, I certainly never have
seen anything quite like it.

No, just take a look at
all this hand stitching.

Will you put this
junk out of the way?

My, what an unusual
dollhouse. What is it exactly?

Oh, well, this is just a
little invention of ours.

We call it the Pet Lock.

"The Pet Lock?"

"The Pet Lock."

"The Pet Lock!"

I think he likes it!

Who's the genius that
came up with this concept?

Uh, the name is Vinton Harper.

Harper, I've got a feeling

that this little gem is
gonna sweep the nation.

Oh.

Well, what about
my invalid turner?

Forget it, Iola.

Can't you see the man's
goin' with a winner?

Run on home and
rotate your mother.

I always knew you
had it in you, son.

So, Keith, you really think

this Pet Lock idea
of ours is gonna fly?

Just like Peter Pan.

All you gotta do is believe.

Oh, I do. I do. I do.

Great. Well, I gotta go.

But, I'll be back at
five to pick up the $800.

What $800?

Your good-faith money,
you put up $800 and I match it

That way we're equal partners..

Unless you want a smaller
percentage of the profits.

Well, no, no.

Eight hundred sounds
perfectly okay to me.

Right, guys?

- Sure.
- No problem.

Then it's settled.
I'll be back at five.

Mrs. Harper, thank you
for the coffee and cake.

Oh, my pleasure.

I can't tell you how much

this afternoon has meant to me.

Oh, sure you can, 800 bucks.

Eight hundred dollars? Boy..

Howdy, where are we gonna
raise that kind of money?

Well, I could cash
in my life insurance.

That's 70 bucks right there.

No, honey, don't do that.

What we need is to
find somebody to back us

who's got a big bankroll
stashed away somewhere.

Oh, no.

I'm not touchin'
my Christmas Club!

Oh, but, Mama, in today's world

you got to risk some
capital to make a gain.

Go tell it to Paine Webber.

I have more faith
in Kriss Kringle

than I do some lock in a diaper.

Oh, now, Mama..

Don't think of this
in dollars and cents.

Think of it as your chance
to say that you believe in me.

Vinton, If I'm gonna lie

I'm not gonna pay 800
bucks for the privilege.

Mama, I'm warnin' you, if
you turn your back on me now

I'm never gonna
speak to you again.

Just keep talkin', Vinton.

You're makin' this
easier and easier.

I just can't believe

Mr. Wheeler didn't like
my "invalid turner" idea.

Iola, I don't wanna hear any
more about ideas or inventions.

I don't know when I've ever
seen Vinton so mad in my life.

There was a moment there when
those cold eyes were fixed on me

I swear, he almost
looked like a man.

Oh, Thelma, don't worry

you know Vint can't stay
mad at you for too long.

Well, it's been over an hour.

He usually can't go 10 minutes

without beggin' my forgiveness.

Afternoon, Miss Harper.

Miss. Harper, don't
you recognize me?

Detective Sneed, Raytown P.D.

Please, hold it down.

Well, keep your
face out of my ferns!

Shh!

I'm sorry to disturb you

but I'm workin'
undercover today.

Well, my word, you look
even younger out of uniform.

Thank you, they say the
same thing about Don Johnson.

So, Sneed, tell me

what brings "Raytown
Vice" to my stoop?

You mind if we step inside?

You never know
who might be listenin'.

- Comin', Miss Harper?
- Uh, yes, sir.

Sit down, ladies.

Now, Miss Harper, we
have reason to believe

that a suspected perpetrator
of fraudulent investment scams

has made contact
with your household.

He's a con artist

known in the street as
"Wheeler, The Dealer."

He convinces people that their
dumb ideas are worth millions.

Has he been here?

Does a lock wear diapers?

Oh, I should have known
that Keith Wheeler was a fake

when he failed to see the
potential in my invalid turner.

Well, it's when he asked
for that 800 simoleons

that it tipped me off.

That's his modus operandi.
Did you give him the money?

No, of course not! He's
comin' back for it at five.

Perfect opportunity
to catch him in the act.

Miss Harper, can I
count on your help?

Anything to put that
worm behind bars.

Would you be
comfortable wearin' a wire?

Are you kiddin'? I'm a 44-D.

I've been wearin' a wire
since the sixth grade.

I'm referrin' to a
radio-transmittin' device.

Now, let's see..

We can attach the
microphone somewhere in here..

Hey, hey, hey, hey..
Watch where you're puttin'

your long arm of
the law there, sonny.

Yes, ma'am.

We have to hide the
transmitter somewhere

where the bulge
won't be obvious.

No problem here.

And they wonder
why more citizens

don't get involved.

In order for our case
to hold up in court

there has to be a
transfer of funds.

Now, here, make sure he
accepts this marked money.

Oh, but what if he catches on?

If there's any problem, I'll
be in the unmarked blue van

parked across the street.

Oh, the one in front
of the fire hydrant?

That's right.

Oh, and one more thing
please don't tell anyone

about this, not
even your family.

We wouldn't want
them actin' strange.

Well, I don't think there's
any way we can avoid that.

Mama! Mama!

Oh, no. You two
get out of here quick.

We don't want Dodo
blowin' our cover.

Yes, son, in here, son of mine.

Mama, I thought it
over and you're right

these Pet Locks are dumb.

When Mr. Wheeler comes back

I'm tellin' him the deal is off.

Well, you sure as hell

picked a great time to wise up!

Now, Vinton, before
you do somethin' hasty

let's talk about
this Pet-Lock idea.

Forget it. There is
nothin' to talk about.

It's a stupid, dumb idea.

They're just stupid, dumb locks

and I'm takin' them out
to the stupid, dumb trash.

No! No.

Don't you dare throw
out little... Lock-acia.

Who?

Little Lock-acia, that's
what I call the baby.

And this is her big brother..

Lock-invar.

He's goin' to Yale,
workin' on his Master's.

- You gave 'em names?
- Well, of course I did.

I've fallen in love with these
stainless-steel sweeties.

I tell you, the Pet-Lock
family is somethin'

no home in America
should be without.

You really think so?

You're not.. You're not
just sayin' this to be nice?

Now, Vinton, think

would I put up 800 bucks
just to be nice to you?

Oh, Mama, you really do mean it.

For the first time in my life

you are sayin' to
me loud and clear

that you believe in your boy.

You never said that before.

Well, don't worry, baby.

This afternoon I'm
gonna broadcast it

loud and clear.

Testin'. Testing.

Yo, Sneed, if you can hear me

just give me a
toot on that Toyota.

Okay. Okay, mister microphone

you just stay down
in here where it's dark.

Whatever you do,
don't come poppin' out.

Who are you talking
to, Miss Harper?

Oh, uh, just a bosom buddy.

Hi there.

Hello.

He's here! He's here!

Oh, that's him, Mr. Wheeler.

Our gravy train
is right on time!

Now, calm down,
everybody. I'll get it.

The hell, you will!

Now, I'm gonna
handle this thing.

Wait a minute!
This is Vinton's idea!

But, It is not
Vinton's 800 bucks.

Now, money talks,
so the rest of you all

just sit down and shut up.

Well, Mr. Wheeler, won't
you come on in have a seat?

Thank you, Mrs. Harper.

I want you all to know I
have thought of nothing else

but your wonderful Pet-Key idea.

Yeah, that's Pet Lock.

Whatever.

Now, If you'll sign the contract

and give me your
good faith money

we've got ourselves a deal.

Mr. Keith Wheeler,
would you mind explainin'

this business transaction
to me again, please?

Why, of course.

Our company agrees to
develop and, uh, market your...

Yeah, could you speak up?
I'm a little hard of hearing.

Maybe if I could
talk into your ear?

Just give me the bottom line!

Alright.

You give me $800,
and I put up $800.

Uh, fine. Then you have a deal.

Hey, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Mama.

I got a couple of questions
about this contract.

For instance, who is
"the party of the first part"?

For pity's sakes, Vinton

if you want this thing to
hit K-mart by Christmas

just sign the damn contract!

Alright.

Here is your contract

and I will now hand
over this $800 to you

Mr. Keith Wheeler.

Well, Mrs. Thelma harper

get ready to make millions.

And you get ready to make
license plates, scum ball!

He's all yours, Sneed!

Freeze, Wheeler.
You're under arrest.

So you finally got
me, eh, Sneed?

What irony, to be
outsmarted by the same minds

who came up with
this crackpot idea!

Hold it right there, everybody.

Don't anybody move,
and nobody will get hurt.

Does this mean the deal's off?

Of course, you moron.
The man's a crook.

The only real crime would
be tryin' to sell the public

on these idiotic inventions.

So long, suckers!

Hurry! Get him!

Oh, Skeeter.. Honey..

Ow! Oh! Ow!

Well, what the..

Never fear, Iola's here.

You were sayin' somethin'
about idiotic inventions?

Well... way to go, Iola!

He's all yours.
Book him, Sneed-O!

10-4, over and out.

Thank you, ladies. Good job.

Let's roll, Wheeler!

Well, Iola.

You know somethin'?

It may not be much
as an invalid flipper

but you made one
hell of a crook catcher!

Well, so much for the Pet Lock.

Yeah, I thought we were
gonna make millions.

Oh, don't give up yet, Skeeter.

All we got to do is
sell it to somebody

who's not a crook.

You still believe in my
idea, don't you, Mama?

Well, Vinton, who can think
about locks at a time like this?

I got me a bra full of feedback.