05x23 - Hate Thy Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

Now, what kind of nut

would my little chipmunk
like to have next?

Mmm... A hazelnut.

Coming right up.

Well, good lord!

Don't tell me you two
squirrels are still at it.

Why don't you come
on outside in the fresh air

and enjoy my garden?
It's never looked lovelier.

Oh, no, Mama, we're
not fallin' for that.

Every time you ask us
to look at your garden

we end up on our hands and knees

pullin' weeds
and killin' snails.

That is right.

I'm not about to
spend my afternoon

gettin' all hot and sweaty
over some slimy slug.

Why not? That's the way
you spend your nights.

This garden just
takes my breath away.

Well, there's only
one thing I like better

than a bed full of ranunculus.

Choppin' them down and
takin' them in the house.

What?

Good lord, I'm
gonna wind up in Oz!

Gebhardt! Turn off
that stupid leaf blower!

Turn it off! Turn
it off! Turn it off!

I can't hear you, Thelma.
Let me turn this thing off!

- You were sayin'?
- I was sayin' keep..

Keep your damn
leaves off my lawn.

These damn leaves
are from your tree!

I'm just blowin' them back
where they came from.

Blow back where you came from,
you, good-for-nothin' Gebhardt.

Now, listen, you hideous Harper.

If you'd trim your
tree once in a while

we wouldn't have this problem!

Yeah, well, if you'd trim your
nose hairs once in a while

you wouldn't gross out
the whole neighborhood!

Take that back, you
loud-mouth lardo!

You make me, you macho mouse!

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

Stop it. Stop it this minute!

Oh! You two should be ashamed.

This is the third time this
month you've disturbed

our neighborhood with
your petty arguments!

Well, he started it.

- Did not!
- Did too!

That's enough!

Now both of you go back to your
respective homes and cool off.

- Did not.
- Did too!

- I'm surprised at you!
- Well, I don't know why.

I hate those Gebhardts
worse than I hate cellulite.

Always have, always will.

Well, I know Fred Gebhardt
is not exactly Mr. Congeniality.

But you must admit, he
keeps his yard neat as a pin

which is more than
I can say for you.

Just where do you think all
of these leaves came from?

That old windbag next door!

Who gets stuck
cleanin' up his mess?

This poor, old,
helpless widow woman.

Hey, Grandma, what's
goin' on out here?

Or the widow's grandson.

Bubba, grab this rake and
bag up all these leaves, pronto.

- Oh! But, Grandma, I'm...
- But nothin', Bubba.

It'll do you good to get some
exercise here in this fresh air.

Iola, let's get out of
this hot sun and go sit in.

Jeez.

Um, excuse me.

Hi there.

I was wonderin' if you
had a rake I could borrow.

Sure. Take this
one. I'm not usin' it.

My grandpa told me I have
to rake up all these leaves.

Isn't that funny?

My grandmother just told
me to do the same thing.

Small world, isn't it?

- Hi, I'm Terri Gebhardt.
- Hi, I'm Bubba Higgins.

So, uh, how come I've never
seen you around here before?

Well, I just moved
here from Hinckley.

To attend Raytown
Junior College.

They have the best
cosmetology department

in the whole tri-state
area, you know.

What a coincidence! I
go to Raytown J.C. too.

- You do?
- Yeah!

Maybe I could give you a
ride to school in the morning?

- Why, I'd like that.
- Great!

S-s-so, uh, how 'bout
I rake and you bag?

It's a deal!

Here you go, Thelma.

You'll forget all about that
run-in with Fred Gebhardt

after a nice, cool
glass of ice tea.

sh**t, to forget that pit
bull, I need a six-pack of beer.

Oh, come on, Ms. Harper.

Don't let that old
blowhard get to you.

Yeah, Mama, Gebhardt
is all bark and no bite.

- Ow!
- Oh! My poor baby!

Let me kiss that and
make that all better.

Yeah.

Oh, for cryin' out loud,
you're gonna suck his nail off!

Ms. Harper, just because
you are mad at Mr. Gebhardt

don't take it out on me.

What is it between you
and the Gebhardts anyway?

Oh, that evil brood just
lives to plague us Harpers.

Vinton, you remember way back

when their vicious att*ck dog
Pookie bit poor, little Eunice?

Now, Mama, that old
Pomeranian only snapped at her

because Eunice was tryin'
to give him a home perm.

I still say Pookie looked
much better as a poodle.

What is it that
started this feud?

Oh, way back when
the Gebhardts moved in

they put up one of them
ugly circular clotheslines

right outside my kitchen window.

- Oh, I hate those things.
- Well, I'm tellin' ya.

It was like a carousel
of underwear.

Anyway, I finally
talked Carl into buildin'

a great, big trellis
to cover the thing up.

Well, that sounds
like a sensible solution.

Not to the Gebhardts!

They claimed it was
cuttin' off all the sunlight

to their precious wet drawers.

So that very night, we awoke
to the sound of a crashin' trellis.

- They didn't.
- Who else?

So the very next night, their
clothesline was hacksawed

into little pieces and laid out

to form the words "Ha
Ha" in their backyard.

- You didn't.
- Who else?

Anyway, from that day to this

I've forbidden any
member of this family

to have anything
to do with that scum.

Grandma, guess what?

You raked all the leaves
back into the Gebhardts' yard?

No. I'm in love with
his granddaughter.

Vinton, where the
hell is that nutcracker?

Bubba Higgins, don't you
even think about goin' out

with one of those
god-awful Gebhardts!

But, Grandma, Terri's
not like the rest of them.

You can't hold it
against someone

just 'cause they have
a cranky grandparent.

Otherwise, I'd
never have a date.

Bubba's got a point there, Mama.

Shut up, you goon! Nobody
thinks of me as cranky!

Bubba, I think it is so romantic

that children of
feuding families

could fall in
love at first sight.

Oh, yes. It's the Montagues
and the Capulets all over again.

Do they live on this block, too?

No, those are the families
in "Romeo and Juliet".

Oh, yes, and if I'm not mistaken

those kids defied their parents
and they wound up dead.

Cut it out, Grandma. This
isn't the middle ages anymore!

No. If it was, you'd be
fitted for a chastity belt.

Well, I don't care what you say!

I'm goin' out with
Terri Gebhardt tonight

whether you like it or not!

- You go for it, Bubba!
- Get back here, you traitor!

Shut up!

I will not have him
fraternizin' with the enemy!

Calm down. It's only a date.

That's right, Ms. Harper.

You've got nothin'
to worry about.

Bubba is very fickle.

He falls in love
every other day.

Yeah, he'll go out with
her once, have a few laughs

and then move on
to somebody better.

Oh yeah, I said the same
thing about you and Naomi.

Well, they should've
been home an hour ago.

Where in the world
are those kids, anyway?

Well, don't tell me
they're in the bushes.

What is the matter
with today's generation?

They should be doin' this in
a parked car, the way we did.

All right, get your butts
out of my begonias!

It's only me, Thelma.

Oh, get that thing outta my
face, you midnight flasher!

I was just over here
lookin' for the kids.

Well, where did you think
they were... in the bushes

you dirty-minded old coot?

I wouldn't put
anything past a Harper.

This is the second
time this week

that no-good grandson of yours

has kept my Terri
out past her curfew!

Don't you be blaming
this on Bubba.

He's never given me
a moment's trouble

until he took up with that
teenage Jezebel of yours!

I'll have you know I sent
her to a good convent school!

That painted-up floozy?

Which one was it,
our Lady of Revlon?

Well, she's too good for that
reform-school dropout of yours!

I'd sooner have him date a
member of the Manson family!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

Grandma, will you keep it down?

We could hear you
halfway down the block.

Yeah Grandpa, you're wakin'
up the whole neighborhood.

Where you kids been?
Your curfew's 11 O'clock.

Sorry, I guess we
lost track of time.

Lost track of the time?

You had us worried to death!

Will you keep your voice down?

If there's any
yellin' to be done

I'm gonna do it!

Please, Grandpa, I promise
it won't happen again.

You're darn tootin' it won't

'cause I forbid you to
see each other anymore.

Oh, not just a damn
minute. You can't do that.

You tell him, Grandma!

If anybody's gonna break
them up, it's gonna be me.

Bubba, you get into the house.

You have dated
your last Gebhardt.

I split 'em up first.

- Did not!
- Did too!

Will you both keep it
down a second and listen?

Nobody is gonna split us up.

That's right, 'cause Bubba
just gave me his fraternity pin.

We're engaged.

To be married?

You mean... we're
gonna be related?

Good lord, this sure as hell is
one weddin' I'm gonna cry at!

You know honey, this is the
first mornin' I can remember

that your Mama didn't come
down to make breakfast.

She must be takin' Bubba's
engagement very hard.

Yeah, I haven't seen
Mama this depressed

since we got married.

Hey, Skeeter, I thought this
was an eight cup percolator.

It is, honey.

Then how come it only
holds one cup of Yuban?

Vinton, that's not
how you make coffee.

Let a woman show
you how it's done.

You see, sweetie,

You don't measure
coffee by cup-fulls.

You measure it
by teaspoon-fulls.

First, you put in the coffee.

Then, you add the water.

And then, you stir.

See? Now, isn't that
easy as one-two-thee?

Wow.

Thanks, baby.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

There's nothin' I like better

than makin' fresh-brewed
coffee for my man.

Mm... Mmm... Mm...

Feelin' better, Mama?

Here Ms. Harper, have
a cup of my home brew.

It'll perk you right up.

Good Lord!

Where the hell
did that come from?

Mrs. Olsen's dumpster?

This is the worst
day of my life.

I just can't believe Bubba's
gettin' married so young.

Oh, heck, Ms. Harper,
he ain't that young.

I was already
married and divorced

by the time I was his age.

And since when are
you the role model

for America's youth?

Mornin', everybody.

Oh, Bubba. Here comes the groom!

Mornin', big guy.

Hey, Grandma,
what's for breakfast?

If you're old enough
to tie the knot.

You're old enough to
pour your own Froot Loops.

So, Bubba, have you set a date?

Not yet. I want to
get married right away

but Terri wants to wait till
after her electrolysis final.

Oh, yeah, there's nothin' worse

than a blushin' bride
with a mustache.

Cut it out, Grandma.

I don't appreciate you
bad-mouthin' my fiancee.

Well then I suggest
we change the subject.

Fine by me!

Finer by me!

Swear, if I hear one more person

mention these nitwit
nuptials, I'm gonna scream.

Knock, knock!

Oh, Bubba, congratulations!

I just heard the good news.

Thelma, we'd better
get started on your

"grandmother-of-the-groom"
dress.

I suggest lavender silk.

Well, we could go with pink.

Out, every last one of you!

If you wanna plan a
weddin' over breakfast

do it at the
Gebhardts! Now, out!

Out of my kitchen!
Out of my house!

Out of my life!

Do you know where
she registered her silver...

Out!

Lord, if I had known
Bubba was gonna fall in love

with the girl next door,
I would have moved

into a nicer neighborhood.

Thelma, Fred
Gebhardt. Can I come in?

Not by the hair on
my chinny-chin-chin!

I don't have time to talk about
your change-of-life problems.

I need to have a word with you.

Yeah? Well, I got the "word".

I'm just too much
of a lady to say it.

Thelma, I'm here
to call a truce.

Well, Fred, knowin' you,
behind that white flag

you're hidin' a big
stack of dead leaves.

Say, you remodeled
the kitchen, huh?

Yeah, thirty years ago.

Yellow's nice.

I never could stand
that green linoleum.

Alright Fred, we've had our
little stroll down memory lane.

Have a seat.
What's on your mind?

Well, I came over to
talk about the grandkids.

Fine. Start talkin'.

Here, have some coffee.

Ah, much obliged.

Thelma, since it seems
like we're gonna be related...

Don't you think we
ought to bury the hatchet?

Yeah, how about
in your thick skull?

It wouldn't be worse
than drinkin' this coffee.

Isn't that stuff awful? My
daughter-in-law made it.

At least she was tryin'
to do somethin' useful.

All my son-in-law can
do is ask for money.

What is it with in-laws, anyway?

They're always around
when you don't want 'em.

And you say one bad word,
they hold a grudge forever.

Sort of like, uh, neighbors?

Yeah.

There's one good thing about
you and me becomin' in-laws.

We have had years of
practice at hatin' each other.

Ain't that the truth!

But you know, Thelma, it's
time to let bygones be bygones

and I've decided
to be the bigger man

and forgive you
about the clothesline.

Forgive me? You're the one
who started the whole thing

by trashin' my
beautiful trellis!

I didn't tear that thing down.

My wife did, god rest her soul.

Elaine? That little half pint?

Well, I didn't know
she had it in her.

You're one to talk.

Hackin' up a steel clothesline.

Oh, that wasn't
me. Carl did that.

All I did was spell
out the "Ha Ha".

Well, I'll be darned.

Thelma, you realize this feud

has nothin' to do
with you and me?

You're right.

It's between Carl and Elaine.

And they're dead.

Hey, what say we
let them battle it out

wherever the hell they may be?

Good idea, neighbor.

Okay, friend.

Now, we got us
a weddin' to plan.

It's gonna be the best darn
weddin' this town's ever seen.

Yeah, it'll make Charles and
Diana's look like a dogfight.

Bubba Higgins, you are the
most selfish boy I ever met!

Look who's talkin'!

Well, that must be
the happy couple now.

Why does everything
have to be your way?

That's because,
between the two of us

I'm the only one
with any brains!

Like it takes a Phi Beta Kappa
to pluck somebody's eyebrows.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Is that any way to
talk to your fiancee?

What fiancee?

The wedding is off!

You bet it is!

Terri, I thought you loved him.

That was yesterday, Grandpa.
Today, I think he's a jerk!

Well, If I'm a jerk, then give
me back my fraternity pin.

With pleasure, you dweeb!

Now, kids, let's stop
actin' like children.

Yes. There's no problem
so great it can't be worked out

between two carin' families.

So true, Freddy. So true.

Now just what seems
to be the trouble here?

She wants to go to
Graceland for our honeymoon!

And goofy here wants
to go to Disney World!

And that's all it is?

Well, a solution's
simple. Compromise.

Honeymoon at Hot Sulfur Springs.

Hot Sulfur Springs?

That's where Elaine and I went.

They don't want to smell like
rotten eggs on their honeymoon.

You do like Carl and
me. Go to Apalachicola.

Apalachi-what-a?

Sounds like something
you take penicillin for.

You know, it happens to
be a lovely honeymoon spot!

Oh, maybe for you
and a wimp like Carl.

How dare you. That "wimp"
was ten times the man you are!

- Grandma - Butt out!

This doesn't concern you!

They are goin' to Hot Sulfur
Springs, and that is final!

Why? So they can be
miserable like you and Pookie?

Her name was Elaine!
Pookie was the Pomeranian!

Well, I never could
tell the two dogs apart!

That does it!

Come on, Terri, we're leavin'.

Oh, no, you're not!
I'm throwin' you out!

See what happens when
you try to be nice to a Harper?

Oh but Grandpa, I love him!

Forget him! We got a
clothesline to put up!

You do that, 'cause I've
been lookin' for a good excuse

to try out my new chain saw!

- Grandma, did you hear that?
- Oh, he's just bluffin'.

They don't need a clothesline.
They got a great, big dryer.

No, no. I mean Terri.
She said she still loves me.

Oh, no, you don't!

You start lovin' thy neighbor,
I'm gonna kick thy butt!