05x25 - And Mama Makes Three

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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05x25 - And Mama Makes Three

Post by bunniefuu »

Ooh! It's hot in here.

It must be 110 degrees.

And I'm talkin' down
here in the shade.

At least you're not sweatin'
b*ll*ts over a hot stove

makin' lunch for your family.

Thank the Lord for small favors.

Grandma, you home?

Don't chew. Maybe he'll go away.

Oh! There you
are. Hi, Ms. Boylen.

What are you
doin', havin' lunch?

No, Bubba, we're groovin'

to Oscar Mayer's
latest compact disc.

Bubba, she was kidding.
It's a bologna sandwich.

Oh! Bologna?

Great! I'm starved.

Well, eat up. I can always
make myself another.

Great balls of fire!

- It's like an oven out there.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy, lemonade!

Give me.

- Is that bologna?
- Yeah, yeah!

What are you two
vultures doin' here?

Well, we just came from
seeing the fertility expert.

He had the results of those
tests that we took last month.

And?

If you don't mind,
this is personal

between us and our doctor.

Vinton's fault, huh?

The doctor says my poor
baby's been sh**ting blanks.

Oh, my Lord.

I was afraid somethin'
like this would happen

ever since you had that
horrible dodge-ball accident

in the fourth grade.

No! I'm just gettin' old.

sh**t, I always thought my hair

would be the first thing to go.

Well, maybe this
problem is work related.

You know, breathin'
in all those brass filings

from the key grinder.

The problem is not in his nose.

I think the problem
is strictly dietary

from all of this high-fat

greasy food that you serve.

Vinton has been eatin'
my food his entire life

and I've never heard him
complain about bein' barren

till he took up with you.

Could we talk about
somethin' else?

Just what is that
supposed to mean?

It means you wore him out!

You can only turn a
battery on so many times

before it runs out of juice.

Actually, that's
not true, grandma.

We're studyin' The
Tasmanian Tiger in zoology

and the more they mate

the more potent they become.

Well, that is enough.

I won't have that
kinda smutty talk

at my lunch table.
You're out of here, mister.

Well, what's the
point in goin' to college

if nobody cares about
what I'm learnin'?

Nonsense, I'm sure
some Tasmanian family

will be just fascinated.
Now, go find one.

I'm so disappointed, sweetheart.

I wanted to have
your baby so much.

Yeah, well, you
can just forget it.

I guess we're never
gonna be parents.

Well, not necessarily.

Have you two
considered adoption?

- Adoption?
- Uh-huh.

My sister-in-law Vernelia
works for a very reputable

adoption agency in Hinckley.

She says they're always
lookin' for good parents.

Oh.. What do you think, Skeeter?

Well, now we could
offer some homeless child

a wonderful family

and then we would get the
baby we've always wanted.

Yeah.

It-it wouldn't be blood.

I mean, the kid would
have absolutely nothin' to do

with our two gene pools.

This idea's soundin'
better and better.

Vinton, let's do it.

Why not? Ha, ha, ha!

With parents like us

who wouldn't want to be adopted?

I'm gonna go call
Vernelia right now

and see if there's
a baby available.

Well, put in a request
for one without colic.

Hey, Skeeter, we better

get downstairs and
get the basement ready.

Oh, yeah, gee, I
thought I'd have

nine months to clean up.

Well, thank the Lord,
maybe now I can have

my sandwich in peace.

Well, now, isn't
this just like family?

They wolf down all your food,
then they run off to find you

another mouth to feed.

Mama. Mama.

- What?
- Oh, Ms. Harper.

- Wait until you hear!
- Sit down, sit down, sit down!

Mama, guess what the
adoption agency said.

You two were down
there again today?

I swear that place
does more interviews

than Barbara Walters.

Well, we just have
to pass one more

and then they are gonna
put us at the top of the list

for a baby.

Oh! Well, I can't believe it.

Yeah, we can hardly
believe it ourselves.

Boy, this last
meeting was a k*ller.

I mean, they really
gave us the third degree.

Yeah, you see, they were afraid

that we wouldn't have
enough time for our baby

on account of us both
bein' so career-oriented

like we are.

Well, what turned them around

findin' out you got
dead-end jobs?

No, it was hearin'
that you'd be takin' care

of the baby while we're at work.

What?

Well, sure, Ms. Harper, they
were just delighted to hear

that there was a loving
grandmother right here

in the home to look after
that baby day and night.

Forget it, you two are
not gonna adopt a child

and bring it into this
house for me to raise.

Oh, now. Don't worry, mama.

Yeah, Ms. Harper,
we only told the agency

you'd help out so
they would let us adopt.

Vinton and I are perfectly
capable of raising our own baby.

We don't need
anyone else to warp it.

Well, fine by me.

As far as I'm concerned
you can keep the thing down

in the basement
till it's potty-trained.

That's great.
Thanks. Ooh-hoo-hoo!

That was the adoption agency.

We got our last interview
this afternoon at 4:00

with a family psychologist.

- Oh!
- Oh, my Lord.

Not one of them
know-it-all pantywaists

who wants you to get in
touch with your feelings.

Lord, it's bad enough
watchin' those nuts on "Oprah"

you two gotta go
see one in person.

Well, mama, so do you?

What the hell are
you talkin' about?

Oh, we told them you'd
be takin' care of the baby.

They wanna see you, too.

Oh, no! Not this girl.

I've never even had
my handwritin' analyzed

much less my brain.

- Mama, you've got to!
- Yes, Ms. Harper.

We can't have a
baby without you.

Well, I guess this is how
a surrogate mother feels

only instead of
my belly swellin'

I'm gonna get my head shrunk.

And in my opinion of case 8704

regarding Virginia
and Richard Jones

I found their
argumentative nature

and childish, petty bickering

to be totally unconducive

for the nurturing of an infant.

Request for adoption is denied.

Mama, will you lay off?
It's not my fault we're late.

Well, if you'd have taken
route 5, like I told you

we'd have been sittin'
in this waitin' room

readin' month old magazines.

Okay! Fine! Fine!

- Next time, you drive.
- Well, maybe I should...

Shh!

Hello, Dr. Richards.

I'm Naomi Harper.

This is my husband, Vinton.

We were your 4
o'clock appointment.

- How do you do?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry we're late, doc.

We ran into some heavy traffic

on the interstate.

If I said take route 5 once

I said it a 100 times.

This is my mother Thelma Harper.

Hello! Uh, why don't you all
just relax and have a seat?

Thank you.

Oh, no!

Not the couch.

Come on, you two
can take the hot seat.

Come on.

There's no hot seat
here, Mrs. Harper.

You can just be yourself.

Good Lord, Vinton, put
that damn thing down

and quit actin' like an idiot.

The games are meant
to be played with.

There's no need to
be critical of your son.

Well, you told me to be myself.

Uh, tell me, what was your
childhood like, Mrs. Harper?

Well, I'll tell you what
when I was growin' up

we were told to keep
things to ourselves.

- My daddy always told me...
- Excuse me.

Uh, I was addressing
the other Mrs. Harper.

Well, pardon me all the hell.

I won't say another word.

- About your childhood?
- Oh, yes.

Well, it was what I would
call perfectly ordinary.

I was the only child
of older parents

and they weren't
very demonstrative.

Come to think of it, I
think I was pretty hungry

for affection as a child.

Becomin' an adult did nothin'

to curb her appetite.

But, I wouldn't make
that mistake with a child

of my own, doctor.

No, personally, I don't think
you can hug a child too much.

Well, good for you, Mrs.
Harper, you know, every mistake

in our lives can be
a lesson learned.

So, Mr. Harper, tell me
about your childhood?

Well..

I guess it was okay.

I..

Perfect, my
childhood was perfect.

- Are you sure?
- Stop badgerin' the witness.

He said it was
perfect and it was.

Of course, but, uh, isn't
there anything you'd change?

Perhaps something
you'd do differently

raising your own child?

Well.. I-I-I..

What would you do differently?

Well..

I guess..

I would encourage my kid

to sh**t for the stars.

Tell him he could be
anything he wanted to be.

Oh, did you feel a lack of
encouragement growing up?

No, he did not.

I praised him to the heavens for
every dumb, stupid thing he did.

What about the
chemistry set, huh?

My Uncle Roy gave me this great

chemistry set
when I turned eight.

Oh, it had everything,
real deluxe.

It was on sale at Sears.

They couldn't give 'em away.

I told him Vinton
was way too young.

I was not, I had it figured out
the minute I opened the box

but she ripped it
right out of my hands.

He was burnin'
down the front porch.

It was an experiment.

It was arson.

The fire department
threatened to file charges

if I didn't throw
the damn thing out.

You threw it out?

You told me you'd keep it

until I was mature enough.

Hell, Vinton, those
chemicals have only

got a 50-year shelf life.

Perhaps if you had encouraged
him with his chemistry set

he, he could have been
a chemical engineer

or a rocket scientist

instead of just a key grinder

with a reproductive disorder!

How does that make
you feel, Mrs. Harper?

Oh, well, I wondered
how long it would take

before all of this got
laid at my doorstep.

You head doctors just
love makin' us mothers

the scapegoat, don't you?

Well, fine.

Maybe I am responsible

in some small way for Vinton

endin' up the pathetic
failure that he is.

But I'll be flat-damned
if I'm gonna take the rap

for his lack of sperm!

You sure as hell don't
hear me blamin' my mother

for everything that
went sour in my life.

Although, I could.

That woman was a she-devil!

Lord rest her soul.

Move it!

I tell you what, doctor.

Compared to my mother,
I'm a regular Donna Reed.

That old dragon made
my life a livin' hell.

But I gave her respect. Honor
thy father and thy mother.

That is what the good book
says, and that is what I did.

I honored that
prune-faced, old harpy

till she drew her last breath.

And what did it get me?

Nothin' but heartache,
and criticism, and back talk.

What, oh, what did I ever do to
deserve such ungrateful brats?

Tell me why?

Why? Why?

Well, I'm afraid that's
all the time we have.

Well, I can't tell you
how much better I feel.

Thank you, doctor.

Come on, kids. Time's up.

See, didn't I tell you this
was gonna be a breeze?

Dr. Richards,
please don't judge us

by my mother-in-law's behavior.

Yeah, she was..

Just tryin' to make
a good impression.

Gee, grandma, this is
the second time this week

the whole family's
been home for lunch.

I know.

For all those
mothers stuck at home

fixin' lunch for their
thankless families

this bud's for you.

Isn't it a little
early for that?

It's 8:00 p.m. in
Munich. Gesundheit.

So, did Naomi say when
she'd be home for lunch?

No, she didn't.

She's real upset about the way

you acted yesterday.

She just got
dressed this morning

and, and left without breakfast

or even sayin' goodbye.

Oh, mama, what if
she never comes back?

Did she take her hot
rollers or her makeup?

- No.
- She'll be back.

Very funny.

I believe I'll have
me a beer, too.

Not at this hour, you
most certainly will not.

What has gotten into you?

I'll tell you what's
gotten into me!

I'm afraid we're not
gonna get our baby

and it's all because of you

carryin' on in
front of the doctor.

All I did was give
him what he wanted.

Those doctors love nothin'
better than to see folks

spill their guts, they
think it's real healthy.

And I'll tell you what, if
you two do not get your baby

it's because you
didn't open up like I did.

Well, how could we? You
were hoggin' all the couch time.

I'm tellin' ya, that
doctor loved me.

So, you think he gave 'em
the go-ahead for the adoption?

Bubba, if the Harper Family
did not pass with flyin' colors

I will dance naked
with the mailman.

Knock, knock.

Oh, come on in, hon.

You're just in time for lunch.

Oh, well, I-I don't
know if I should stay

under the circumstances.

What circumstances?

Well, I just got off the
phone with Vernelia.

She thought it
best if I tell you.

The adoption agency
turned you down.

Oh, no.

Well, I am in a state of shock.

Just think how the
mailman's gonna feel.

Iola..

Is there any way they'll
give us a second chance?

Maybe let us come
back without mama?

Oh, I doubt it.

The psychologist's
report was firm.

He stated he wouldn't
recommend that this family

take in a dog from the pound..

Unless it was rabid.

Great, I hope you are happy.

My wife has gone who-knows-where

and our chances of ever
havin' a family of our own

are sh*t to heck, and
it's all because of you.

Thanks a lot, mama.

Now that is enough, Vinton.

We are all disappointed,
now just sit down

and eat before it gets cold.

Come on! Come on, Vinton.

You'll feel much better after
you've tasted my delicious hash.

Mama, my life is fallin'
in around my ears.

That god-awful
hash isn't gonna cut it.

Maybe Naomi was right,
she always said the only way

we'd ever stand on our own
four feet was to get away from you.

And just as soon as I find her

that is exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Now give me that beer.

I got me a man-sized thirst.

Oh, Vint, wait.

- Now think this thing through.
- Yeah.

Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna live?

I don't care. We'll live in
my pickup if we have to.

Yes, sir. Those apron
strings are finally cut.

I am out of here.

At last, I'm free.

"As free as the wind blows..

"as free as the grass grows..

"free to follow my heart.

- Born..."
- Oh, shut up!

Hello, honey. What's the matter?

Oh, Skeeter. Honey,
you've come back.

Sweetheart, s-sweetheart, I..

I got some good news
and some bad news.

Oh, well, give me
the bad news first.

We're not gonna get our baby.

Dr. Richards said we couldn't.

Well, honey, I just
got a second opinion

and my obstetrician says we are.

What's your eye
doctor got to do with it?

Oh, honey.

I'm pregnant.

- Y-you.. You are?
- Yes.

You're pr..

She's pregnant. Ha-ha-ha!

She's pregnant! Ha-ha!

How did it happen?

Well, baby, I guess you
were packin' a silver b*llet

in amongst all those blanks.

Oh, congratulations!

- Nice goin', Uncle Vint.
- Well..

Now tell me the good news.

Oh. Well..

The good news is you're
gonna be raisin' little junior

in the back of the pickup.

Oh-ho, now, mama.

You didn't think I meant
all those things I said?

I was just kiddin'. Ha-ha-ha!

Your little boy was
just funnin'...mama.

Mama.

Is that my beer
you're slobberin' over?

Yes, ma'am. Yeah,
yes. Mama, here.

Let me put it in a
nice glass for you.

Hey, look, Skeeter. Mama
made my favorite hash.

Oh, well, let's dig
in because after all

I'm eatin' for two.

I-is it okay, mama?

Do you forgive me?

Vinton, as far as I'm concerned

you can go eat hay with a horse.

But I will not let my
precious grandbaby suffer

because of your stupidity.

Now, let's all just sit
down and eat lunch.

She is with child pull
out her chair, you goon.

Just think, this time next year

I'm gonna have a new cousin.

Ooh, I can hardly believe
it, it's like a miracle.

Oh, I'll say, it just shows
you what doctors know.

They may be able to
wipe out the black plague.

But they sure as hell
can't keep us Harpers

from multiplyin'.
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