03x02 - The Bill

[bunniefuu]

He said, "I don't bother with
the Grand National any more."

"Last year, my horse started at
33-1 at Aintree and ended up as"

"two for one at ASDA!"

Excuse me. Could we get the bill,
please? Of course.

Anyway, like I was saying, we
were at Lingfield... '89, was it?

No, it was later than that. Eh?
Yes, it was after Diana had d*ed.

What's she got to do with it?
I just remember.

All right, well, '99, whatever.

And the Professor here had worked
out if we put this

accumulator on seven races,
we could have made...

What was it, Archie?
Half a million.

Half a million. Well, it wasn't
half a million. It was 469,000.

All right. f*cking hell. We're
not to the nearest quid, are we?

Kevin, will you stop interrupting
my flow? Yeah, sorry.

So, we all had to pick
seven horses and put

a tenner each in the diddlum.

The what?

The diddlum.

What's a diddlum? The diddlum!
It's

a wotsit where you all chip in.

It's the diddlum.
You never heard of a diddlum? No.

It's where you pay in a bit each
week. It's a savings scheme.

Like a northern thing? You
know, "Put tha' money in't

diddlum and buy some whippets
and barm cakes and..."

Sorry, go on.

So, anyway, we'd all put
in our diddlum money

and chose a horse each
for the first round.

You had, what was it?
Hoof Hearted?

Hoof Hearted, 3-1,
second favourite.

Prof chose some fancy
writer thing. Outrageous...

Outrageous Fortune. That's it,
after the Bette Midler film.

Shakespeare.
And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.

See? Clever boy,
back the outsider. Exactly!

To push the winnings up.

Life is either a daring adventure
or it is nothing at all.

Do you know who said that?
Helen Keller. Going for Gold.

That's Henry Kelly!

Yeah, sorry.

So, anyway, what happened
next, I gave the

diddlum money to Archie...
He didn't.

I did! He says he did, but he was
found... No, let me finish!

He was found in the
hospitality area... Rubbish!

..with two dolly birds and
a full English breakfast.

Slightly the worse for wear.
Well, I was upset

that Diana had d*ed! And
he'd spent the lot. No!

Yeah, kerching. What?
Diddled the diddlum? He

did indeed. Malcolm! So,
just be warned, Craig,

you can't trust him as far
as you can throw him.

Excuse me, Archie!
People in glass houses!

What?

Shouldn't throw stones.

No, they should throw sex parties
with strippers. LAUGHTER.

So, come on, then.
What happened then?

No, don't tell me. All the horses
came in, right? Yeah, exactly.

Half a million down the drain.
Well, 469,000.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
It's only money

in't it, Craig? Not
worth falling out over.

Here you go, gentlemen.

I hope you enjoy your meal.
It was lovely, thanks.

Excuse me, darling. Can we
get some mints? Please?

You know, the mints
in the bowl by the

till, just to
cleanse the palate.

Oh, no, the kitchen boy
will cleanse the palate.

No, no. Not plates.

The palate. You know? The palate.

I mean the mints. In the mouth.
Sucky-sucky.

Oh, sorry. Yes. I'll get you
some. It's my first day. So...

Well, she's not getting a tip. I
wouldn't mind giving her MY tip.

What are you doing,
asking for piss-mints? Eh?

Piss-mints by the till.
Why are they piss-mints?

Because people come out the bogs,
they don't wash their hands

and then they dip in for
a mint on the way past. No!

People aren't animals.
They are,

actually. They did a test.
Exactly.

They tested a bowl, they
found 15 different types of piss.

What do you mean - different
types of piss?!

There aren't different types of
piss! There are! Like fine wines!

Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get
back to Chiswick.

Yeah, because London piss is like
sparkling water,

you just drink it straight back
down again. Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm just telling you,
mints in northern restaurants,

they're all drenched in piss.
And faecal

matter. There you go, I
give you big handful.

Look at them, Craig!
You not going

to cleanse your palate, then?
Er...

No, I think I'll take them
for the kids.

How many kids do you have, Craig?
I've got two.

It's half-term,
so they come up with the au pair.

I told them it was a safari,
but with poor people. Hey!

There's plenty of lolly
swilling around up here, you

know. As long as you know
where to look for it.

And your wife, is she...?
Divorced.

Best three-quarter of
a million pound I ever spent.

Really? Yeah.

Why is a wife like
a hand grenade?

Remove the ring and boom, your
house has gone. LAUGHTER.

That's a terribly expensive
business.

Do you know why it's
so expensive, Kevin?

Because it's worth it.

Talking of unseemly
squabbles about money,

let's have a little
look at this bill.

Well, there's my contribution,

including a 10% service charge.
10?

You tight bastard! Give her 15,
like a normal human being!

10 is industry standard. What
industry? She's slopping plates

round for a room
full of fat pigs!

Honestly, Kevin! Give it here,
Craig. I'm going to get this.

No, Malcolm. No way, that's not
right. Shut up, I am. It's on me.

You got it last time,
let me get this one.

Get off, I'm paying it.
How much is

it? Ooh, Jesus Christ!
Go on, then!

Joking! I'm joking!
I don't mind,

honestly. No, I'm
not having that.

I invited Craig along.
I was going

to pay for him anyway. So what?

Craig's my friend. You
can't play with him! Don't

be so childish, Archie.
I'm not being childish.

You're the one who's being
childish. Hey, it doesn't

matter. It does. You're
messing it up. It's not fair.

Guys, listen, I'm getting it.
No! No! Yes!

I'm going back to
civilisation soon. I know

that all you northerners
are very poor,

what with your Christmas clubs
and your diddums... Diddlums.

So, I'd like to treat you all,
please. No arguments!

Well, thank you, Craig.
That's very kind of you.

Bloody hell, Kevin!
That was quick. You

thanked him before
he'd even offered!

Doesn't miss a trick, does he?
No, I offered to pay my way.

Yeah, like the time
you offered me petrol

money for that league
game in Otley!

That was based on mileage
as the crow flies, divided

by the four of us. £2! It
was mathematically sound!

Yeah, all in coppers!

Right, shall I split
you four ways? No.

No, but I wouldn't mind
splitting you four ways.

No, I'm getting this. It's been
very nice to meet you, Craig.

You played very well tonight,
the pair of you b*at Kevin and I

fair and square, so Victoribus

Spolia, to the
victor, the spoils.

Well, I won't argue with you,
Malcs. I'm sorry, Malcolm.

That is bullshit! Eh? We've never
played that before, loser pays!

It's a very dangerous precedent
to set. It's not a precedent.

I would like to pay for your

meals. Put it all
on this, please.

No, put on this, please.
I insist.

All right, calm down. You'll
give yourself a heart

att*ck. Why are you making
such a big deal out of it?

It's just important to me,
all right? Thank you, Archie.

That's very kind. Bloody hell!

Never realised that
badminton was so

competitive. It's
not competitive.

It's just that Malcolm is
overgenerous at times,

aren't you, Malc? This
is my treat, everybody.

You can get the next one.
Sorry,

it's run out of paper.
I'll be back.

I'll be back!

Terminator.

Very clever, Archie.
Very clever

trick. I can see
what you're doing.

What do you mean?
Letting me get the

next one, which is,
oh, let me think,

wives and girlfriends
night at Browns. So?

So, it'll be double
the price, won't it?

Even more, if your Susie puts it
away like she did at the

Christmas do! Malcolm!
All those mojitos!

You shouldn't bring Susie into
it, Malcolm. That's wrong.

I like the sound of Susie!

Has she got a sister?

Anyway, it's fine.
You just get this little starter.

I'll pay for the proper grown-up
meal next time. Well done.

Fine, I'll get the
next one as well, if

you're keeping track.
No-one's keeping track.

You clearly are, if you're
thinking one ahead.

It hadn't occurred to me
what the next one was.

Why don't you just
split it, then?

Eh? Why don't you just split it
two ways? Then no-one loses face.

Who's losing face? I'm not losing
face. Why two ways anyway?

Why not three ways?

Fine, fine. If Craig wants...
I meant with you!

Jesus! What a blue cock! What's a
blue cock? A tight-fisted w*nk*r.

Ha! That's good!
I'm having that! No, no.

Listen, I'm happy to pay my way.
I've already demonstrated that.

Oh, put your little purse away,
Ebenezer.

We don't need your shrapnel.

Do you want me to pay or not?
Yeah,

three ways! So we
can treat Craig!

It's not necessary. Fine!
Well, I don't drink

and I didn't have a
starter, so... So what?

You contributed to the evening,
to the company provided,

not what's in your belly!
He always does this!

No, it's just that I know all
these menus... Kids' menus!

That is not the point
and I know exactly

what I'm going to have
before I come out.

And I like to have the requisite
funds about my person.

I don't have the
same resources as

you, do I? I have
to be careful.

Careful?!
He's got two houses in Clitheroe!

Well, they're flats and one
of them's got my mother

in it, so... And how much
rent do you charge her?

None of your business!
Bloody hell! I was joking!

He's that mean, when he
takes a tenner out of

his wallet, the Queen
blinks in the light!

No, it's that I don't
think it's fair that

I end up subsidising
other people's...

What?

Gluttony!

Are you directing
that at me, Kevin?

Are you directing that at me?
Cos this is glandular!

Right. So, it was, Mr Simkins...?
Yes.

No, no, guys, honest.

I've got this. Now, put it away.
No. Please! I'd really like to!

I'll pay.

I'd like to pay the whole bill,
please.

Kevin, that is...
so generous of you.

Are you sure?

It's fine.

Perhaps you could all put
in for the tip.

Well, wonders never cease.
Oh, and

I have these vouchers
for 50% off.

What?! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
50% off?!

Yes, I got them from
a coupon website.

You were going to
let ME pay for it?

Well, I was saving them
for another time. What

other time? You never go out!
I'm sorry, Kevin.

If you're paying for
dinner, you're paying

for dinner. None of
this coupon sh*t!

They are out of date anyway.
I'm sorry. LAUGHTER.

They're like your condoms, Kevin!
Use by January 2000!

Get your pound notes out with
Isaac Newton on the back!

I'm sorry about that. I
was just... Let me...

Oh... Ah...

I come back in a minute.

Um... Can I offer you guys
to be sh*t, or something?

Sorry? She means a free drink.

Oh, yes. Thank you. Oh, that
made his eyes light up, look.

Got any Limoncello? Please?

It's a liqueur.

Lick your what? Sorry?

It's a drink.

Um, I will check. I'll be back.

You wait, she'll come back
with a lemon and a cello!

I was dreading this week.
One boring seminar after another.

If I hadn't met Archie,
it would have been one

long round of business
lunches and hotel p*rn.

Don't sound too bad!

You guys, you made it bearable.
So, please, let me get this. No.

I'm getting it, I'm just...
Leave it, Kevin! I'll get it!

You're not getting it! I've told
you! Don't point at me, Malcolm.

Honestly, let me.
It's no skin off my nose.

We all know you're really rich.
What's that supposed

to mean? Hey, I don't
care if he's Bill Gates.

He played at our club, I'm club
sec, I'm paying for his meal.

And there it is in a nutshell,

Craig. You've been bought.
Kerching.

Not this again. I'm afraid
so, Malcolm. This again.

How many votes was it? Tell him.
I don't remember.

17-5 and he's club secretary. I'd
been there five years before him.

Don't dredge up old graves,
Archie. It's unseemly.

There was no funny business.
Who did you vote

for, then? You don't
have to tell him, Kevin.

It was anonymous. You
were seen, Kevin, a

Garfunkel's lunch every
day for a fortnight.

That's not true! Were you
spying on us? Bloody hell!

If you're that desperate,
put your name up next

time. I won't stand again.
Don't worry, I will!

If that's all you've got
to worry about, I'm happy

for you, Archie. You must
have a very nice life.

Get off my back, Malcolm!
You've got

no idea about my life!
Guys, don't.

It's just a couple of hundred
quid. It's literally

nothing. Oh, it's nothing,
is it, Mr Monopoly?

Archie, what's got into you?
Besides, the

club would never have
allowed somebody with

a criminal record
to become club

secretary. Nobody
cares about that!

That was me utilising a clause
in a mortgage contract!

Also known as fraud.
You're the fraud, pal!

You bought every single
one of those votes!

Because I treated Kevin to
a foot long from Subway?! Yes!

And this is what
he's doing now,

Craig, so just be aware.
Bull crap!

He's putting you
in his pocket, in

case he needs you
at a later date!

I'm offering to buy
everyone's meal!

Yes, because you're
a selfish prick!

He isn't, Archie.

Just calm down.

He isn't.

Because I am paying
for this meal.

Yes, I live in London!
Yes, I'm very rich!

But that is my prerogative,
as your guest, all right?

Here we go. Some
Limoncello for you, and

have you decide yet
who pay the bill?

Yeah, put it all on this.
And put on 25% for yourself.

Right, gentlemen,
I'd like to thank

you for your company
this evening.

And for a good game of badminton.
And if any of

you happen to find yourself
in the Chiswick area,

please don't hesitate to
NOT ring me! Cheers!

Cheers.

Ah!

Don't envy you going
back to London,

Craig. All those pickpockets.

Yeah, well,
it's not what it was, Kevin.

I mean, I'd be happy to move on,
to be honest with you.

I crave a bit of excitement.
Last

year, I went climbing
in Canada...

Excuse me, sir.
But your card is not welcome.

What? It is reject. Bad.
Do you have perhaps other card?

Um...

No, not on me.

I don't understand. There's at
least 250 in that account.

That settles it, then. I'll pay.
Hang on, hang on.

I've got an AMEX card back
at the hotel.

I'll phone the au pair and
get her to give me the

number. I'm not sure...
Craig, there's no need.

Sshh!

Anoushka? Yeah, it's me.
Can you go up to my room, please?

Yeah, it was very nice,
thank you. Yeah, go into my

room and go over to the
bedside cabinet and open

the second drawer down.

No, no. Not the top one.

Do not open the top one!

Yeah, the second one.

Right. And in there
is my AMEX card.

Yes, the gold one.

Now, I need the
long number on the

front and the four digits just

above that in the
right-hand corner.

Digits.

Digits!

I tell you what,
why don't you just

bring the card down to me?
No, no.

It's fine, it's fine.

No, they're fine.
They'll be fine.

They're asleep, aren't they?

Well, just leave quietly!

Well, if you're
that worried, just

unplug everything!
No, Craig! No!

Don't worry, Baboushka! It's
fine! You don't have to come.

Look, I appreciate what you're
trying to do,

but it's daft you
putting your kids'

lives in danger when I've got

a good card right here.
We can split it. No.

I'm getting this.
No more arguments.

That is the absolute end
of the matter.

Well, under these circumstances,

I'd be very happy to accept
your very kind offer.

Thank you, Malcolm.
Not a problem at all.

Yes, thank you.

All right, fine. Will you just
give us a minute, please, love?

This is not the way
I wanted to do this.

But I've...
I've got something to tell you.

What? You've got a voucher?

No.

No, I've not got a voucher.

I've got a brain tumour.

You're joking.

No, I'm not, Malcolm.
And I wish I was.

It's er... inoperable
and I've got

three months at
best, I'm afraid.

Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Kevin.

That is why I wanted
to pay this meal.

Sorry, Malcolm.
I should have told you sooner.

Will you excuse me?

Listen, Archie, um...

We had someone in my office who
had something very similar.

And we took him over
to Switzerland.

Dignitas. No, it was Geneva.

We got him one of the top
surgeons over there.

He had the best
possible treatment.

Did he survive?

No.

But he had a private room,
52-inch plasma,

and all the channels.

It's a nice touch.

Thanks, Craig, but I've talked it
over with Susie and we want

to try and make it as normal as
possible for the kids' sakes.

So, if you could do me the
honour, the very great honour,

of allowing me to pay that bill,
probably for the last time...

Don't say that, Archie.

Just... in case, Kevin.

It really would mean the
world to me.

Or course, Archie.

Thank you.

If you want, we can pay the tip.

It's fine, Kevin.
I'll get all of it.

It's just nice to spend what time
I've got left amongst friends.

You lying f*cking monster! Eh?

I've just texted Susie.
She doesn't

know anything about a tumour!

He's lying! He's a liar!
Is this true, Archie?

I haven't told her yet.
I wanted to tell

you first. You said
you'd talked it over.

I can't believe you'd
pretend to be dying,

just so you can pay
for a tapas meal!

I can't believe you'd
ring up to check! Texting

a dying man's wife to
confirm his story?!

You're not dying though, are you?
I can't take much more of this.

How dare you try and swindle your
way into paying for this meal!

You've driven me to it, Malcolm!
You're a control freak!

Why can't I have a
pat on the back?

Good old Archie, for a change?

Swooping in and claiming every
act of generosity!

You're both unbelievable!

The pair of you! It's
ridiculous behaviour! Strutting

around, point scoring,
I mean, it's pathetic!

You're the one who was happy for
his kids to be burnt to death,

just so he could flash
his gold card! What?!

Right, where's that bill?
I am paying this! Right?

You're not! Yes, I am!
I'm getting this!

Let him go! I'm getting this!
Argh!

Stop this now!

Stop it or I call the police!

Sorry.
There is no-one else here now.

I need to close the restaurant.

My manager says this meal
can be at the home.

She means on the house.
Yes. Please.

Let me take the bill
and we all go home.

No!

We're going to sort this,
once and for all.

It's not about the bill.

It's gone beyond that now.

Look,
can't we just split it four ways?

I'm happy to put in for
the drink, even though I

never had any, although I
did have that Limoncello.

Mind you, that was free. Miss?
Will you bring us

the sharpest Kn*fe in
your kitchen, please? No!

The matter is closed! There is
no bill! There's always a bill!

Somebody has to pay!

No!

Fellas, whatever you're
thinking about doing,

I would probably
advise against it.

I'm sure there must
be an alternative.

What is he doing, Archie?

I know.

s*ab Scotch. Also known
as Pin Finger. Nerve...

Or Five Finger Fillet.

Archie and I have played
this since school.

We used a compass back then.

Or the sharp end of a 2B pencil.

The rules are very simple.

You pass the Kn*fe between each
finger and back again ten times,

fastest time wins, winner pays
the bill. Agreed, Archie?

If you wish, yes.

Kevin, will you
time this, please?

Malcolm, wait! Think
what you're doing! We've

got the county semis
coming up in Doncaster.

You don't want to be
butchering yourself like

this! I'll be fine. I
know what I'm doing.

Ahem. I'm not sure I want to go
through with this.

Well, you don't have to.

It's between me and Malcolm now.

Tell me when.

Sorry. I'm just waiting for it
to get to the top.

Look, come here, I'll do
it on my phone. I cannot

allow this! Don't watch, then!
Sshh, sshh, sshh!

Right, are you ready?

Three, two, one.

Go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Done!

23 seconds.

Very good.

Not bad.

Well done.

No, this isn't fair.

He might have double vision
because of his brain tumour.

He hasn't got a tumour, remember?

Oh, yeah. No, carry on.

I'm happy to pay the bill now.

And we can all go home.
No, thank you, Malcolm.

I'm fine.

When you're ready, Craig.

Three, two, one.

Go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

How long? 15 seconds.

Six.

Argh!

Seven. Argh! Stop it now, Archie!
You're bleeding!

Make him stop!

Stop it!

What did you do that for?
I didn't do anything!

It wasn't his fault. It was an
accident. Get me some napkins!

Quick!

What shall we do?
Shall we call for

an ambulance? The police? What?

I don't know. Is she alive?

Only just.
Her windpipe's been severed.

Give me that Kn*fe.

Archie, what should I do?
Shall I call the police?

Give me your phone.

I haven't got much credit
left on it.

Fine. Use it.

She's dead.

Oh, God, no!

We've got to get our
story straight, OK?

It was Archie that did
it and you were trying

to stop him. I was
trying to stop him!

Yeah, and that's what we'll say.
Do

we mention the s*ab cock?
What?!

The game, the fish finger.
No! It's irrelevant.

We'll just say we were
arguing about the bill.

All of a sudden, he
grabbed a Kn*fe,

he's got cuts on
his hand anyway...

Yes! Right, it's been sorted.

Now, all we have
to do is disappear

and this will be dealt with.

What do you mean? The less you
know about it, the better.

Don't let your wives and your
girlfriends see you.

Get rid of your clothes.
Get clean. Have showers.

Clean your showers. Sounds
like you do this on

a weekly basis. You don't
spend time in prison

without making contacts.
People who'll watch

your back. What, when
they're trying to bum you?

Fine, I'll cancel it, then.
We'll call the

police instead! Guys,
look, I can't be here.

This was supposed to be a tapas
meal with the badminton people.

I need to be back in
London tomorrow. What

about the girl? Surely,
she'll be missed.

You heard what she said.
She's only just

come here. She's
probably illegal anyway.

It's a risk we'll have to take!

Malcolm?

Do it.

Right, before we go,
we need to sort out the money.

You can pay it, Archie!
I'm not bothered now!

I'm not talking about the bill!
I mean this!

The clean up! It's not
a free service, you

know? I've not got a
couple of coupons!

How much does he want?

200. Oh, that's actually very
reasonable. Thousand.

I haven't got that. It's
all right. We'll split

it four ways. What?
50 grand each? Yeah.

Like a diddlum. I
can get it wired

tomorrow morning, first thing.

Has to be cash and
he wants it tonight.

That's just unrealistic! It's
half 11! Archie, one question.

It's just that I didn't actually
touch the Kn*fe,

so technically, I
think I probably

owe less. Oh, here we go!

I'm just saying that my...
Shut up, Kevin!

We're all paying the same!
Oh, you've changed your tune!

You were going to pay the whole
bill a minute ago!

Yeah, when it was 200 quid,
not 200 grand!

Stop it! We're running
out of time! It's

just that I haven't got
that kind of money!

I have!

Anoushka.

It's me again. Right, I want you
to go back into my room.

Go into the right-hand wardrobe.
No, not the left one!

Do NOT go in the left!

Right, inside,
you'll see a grey safe.

I need you to open it.

The number is six.. Ow!

Oh... Good... She's still alive.

But we'll still need the money to
clean everything up, won't we?

Forget it. It's over.

She's blown it.

He stood on my hand!

Don't blame me! So close!
We'd have had

him if you'd have
kept your mouth shut!

Anoushka... I'll call you back.
What's going on?

I'd have thought that was
obvious. Have you really

got 200 grand in your
right-hand side wardrobe?

Never mind that. I want to know
what's in the left-hand side.

Archie? What is this?

It's a washout.

I told you it was too elaborate.
It was going fine.

It was just geography. He stood
on her hand. I'm sorry, Prof.

But she's going way over the top
with that accent!

It's barely believable now.

"Can I offer you guys to be
sh*t?" Oh, piss off, Jerry!

You couldn't do it! And you were
the one who mentioned Susie!

No names, remember?

All this was a set up?
Well, the restaurant's real.

We just had to pay the manager
to take the night off.

And they put their prices up.
They want 1,500 now.

People are such greedy bastards.

You've been scamming me.
I thought we were friends.

Well, see it as a holiday
bromance. And you ARE very rich.

I don't know what to say.

Speechless. Well, I wish she was!
He crushed my fingers!

What about my f*cking fingers?
All right! That's enough!

Stop squabbling and abort.
Sorry, Prof.

Karen?

Go and clean yourself up.

I'm afraid you're going to have
to give us that phone.

You what? Why?

Well, we can't have you going
to the police, can we?

You just tried to rob me
of 200 grand!

You got a free meal out of it.

Hand it over.

Sorry... No.

I'm not going to do that.

All right. Well, we've got
a bit of problem, haven't we?

Anyway, we were at Lingfield...
'89, was it?

No, it was later than that. Eh?
It was after Diana had d*ed.

What's she got to do with it?
I just remember. All right.

Well, '99, whatever.

And the Professor here had worked
out if we put this

accumulator on seven races,
we could have won...

How much was it, Jack?
Half a million. Half

a million. Well, it
wasn't half a million.

It was 469,000. Excuse me.
Can we get the bill, please?

Certainly, sir.

I won't be a second.