03x04 - Empty Orchestra

[bunniefuu]

Testing...
Hello?

Hello?

Hello?
Hello?

Testing...

sh*t!
Nearly snapped my hair off!

- ♪ Don't... Don't you want me? ♪
- Not dressed like that.

Don't!...

It's nice, isn't it?

Well done, Greg!

Help me put this up, love.

Greg?

Bloody hell!

Hi, everybody!

Have you not got a costume?

Is this yours, Rog?

Hey, do you like it, Rog?

Yes.
I thought it'd be a bit bigger.

That's what I keep saying to Greg!

It's not the size of the boat, Fran,
it's the motion of the ocean!

Yeah!
Cheers, everyone!

- There you go, Rog...
- Cheers!

And Fran put that up for you.

"Cuntgrotalaions."

Well, that's your bloody fault!
It's meant to say Congratulations.

- Yeah, I worked that out.
- Anyway... To Roger!

Hope you remember us all,
now you're heading up to the sixth floor.

- Don't start!
- Yeah, to... to Roger!

- To Roger! Hey!
- Cheers.

- They're not planning any more layoffs,
are they, Rog?
- Greg, you know I cant divulge that.

Hey, no shop-talk, remember!

Tonight is about fun!

- Yeah.
- So, who's next?

- Will you put me down, Greg?
- Thought you'd never ask.

For a song I mean.
What's he like?

Don't get him to choose,
you'll be waiting for ever.

- Yeah, I have chosen, Connie.
- Well, which one?

It's not just gonna be
one song after another, is it?

You not drinking, Janet?

Duane's getting me one.

Is he?
Mind he don't slip you a roofie!

Come on, Jan!

On your feet, Roger!

- Come on!
- I don't know it!

You'll pick it up.

I know you've been waiting
on that Butler contract, Roger.

I'll have it to ya on your desk
first thing Monday morning...

What?

Where've you been?

Had to see a man about a dog, innit?

Cheese and rice, bruv.
What have you come as, Blobby Williams?

They told me it was Gangnam Style.

OK, peeps, listen up.

It's party time,

so that means it's time for
Duane's Famous Pills Roulette!

Inside, there's one ecstasy,

one Viagra, one ketamine,

one paracetamol, one laxative

and an orange Tic-Tac.

Could I please have the paracetamol?

Look, I'm sorry, Mr C.
It's pot-luck, I'm afraid.

That's the way to do it.
Straight down the hatch.

I hope I don't get the ketamine again,
it gave me really hard poos.

Are you sure it wasn't Viagra?

Bit limited, these lyrics,
aren't they?

You all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm sh1tting myself I got the laxative.

Well, I'm ain't changing your nappy!

Right, we need more drinks!

Jesus, he blows hot and cold.

And which way do you blow?

Not yours!

Thank God for that!

I smell like a meat pie.
So, who's next, then? Connie?

No, not me, I'm tone deaf.
No offence, Janet.

- Sorry? Did you say something?
- No.

Have you seen this?

- She's all over him like clingfilm on a buffet.
- She's just letting her hair down.

I know she's disabled and everything,
but I can't stand her.

- Why?
- Well, she knows that everyone
feels sorry for her, and she uses it.

How do you think she got that PA job?

I was surprised it wasn't you, Connie.

No, I'm not saying that, but...
it's interesting, innit?

I bet she's not being laid off
any time soon.

Who's being laid off?
What have you heard?

Nothing!
This is a private conversation.

- We're just having a bit of craic.
- Yeah.

Don't go poking your nose
into other people's craics, Greg.

OK, peeps, let's do this.

Let's learn how to rap
like a white man.

No, you haven't!

Hey!

Hey, that's Duane's phone!
What you doing?

Let me get that for you!

Hey, sh*ts!
Thanks, Rog!

Yeah, go on, Greg!

♪ If you're a pub man
or a club man, ♪

♪ maybe a jet black guy
with white cool cat... ♪

- I can't do it, it's too fast!
- It's not a competition!

Thank you!

Thank you!
Right, who's next?

Me!

It's my party and I want some rock!

I'll...
I'll get some more beer.

- Let me help you with that, Rog...
- No... No, no, no.

- Do you want me to show you
how it works or something?
- No, I know what I'm doing.

I just wanna pick something
that I can really go for.

What are you doing?!

It's my eczema.
It flares up when I'm stressed.

Great, so I'm shagging
the Singing Detective.

So, have you made your choice?

No... Can't decide between
The Birdie Song and Wind Beneath My Wings.

You know what I mean!
Between me and Fran!

Connie, I can't get into that now.

The future's precarious enough!

What do you mean?

What's got into him?

Dunno, maybe he got the E.

He has to sack one of us.

What?!
How do you know?

- I just do!
- Do you know who it is?

No...

But I think we can find out.

All right?

Tripod alert.

Well, at least we know who had the Viagra.

- There was no Viagra.
They're all just Tic-Tacs!
- What?

What? What?
Cos I'm black, I must be a drug dealer?

But I thought
I was starting to feel a buzz.

Yeah, a sugar rush!

What is it?

Had a good look, have you?

Sorry, Rog, it was on the floor.

f*ck it, I don't care.

It's my divorce papers.

Mary's leaving me, everyone.

I thought I was a happily married man
till four o'clock on Friday.

Turns out I'm not.

Roger, I'm so sorry.

We had tickets
for Whitesnake in June.

Royal Albert Hall...
Private box...

Steady on, Rog, you're...
stabbing me a little bit.

What's happened?

Don't make him repeat it, for God's sake!
You can see he's upset!

Have some sensitivity
for once in your life!

Come on, Roger.

So we still don't know
who he's going to sack.

- No, it's just divorce papers.
- Someone put another song on!

Look, we've paid for the hour.
Let's not all get bummed out!

It's all right, it's not that bad, Roger.
Yeah?

Yeah, you've got...
you've got that promotion coming up.

It's a fresh start.
New horizons, yeah?

I suppose so.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

And, look at it this way...

You ain't signed them papers yet.
Yeah?

- So you've still got time to talk her round.
Yeah?
- Thanks, Duane.

That's it.

Well done, Fran!

Fran...
Sorry, Fran, can I have a word?

All right now please,
don't overreact.

He's not going to tell her now, is he?

I dunno.
He's pissed enough.

Poor Fran.

Still, at least we won't have her beady eyes
on us at work every day.

Oh, God, I'm so relieved.
I thought it was going to be me.

Maybe you should give her
her notice as well?

Give her a fresh start.
That's what she deserves.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Can I help you, Janet?

Are you OK?

Yeah, it's just...
so out the blue.

Yeah, I know, I apologise for that,

but circumstances got out of my control.

And I can't change your mind?

I'm afraid not.
But you know, you've got Greg.

He'll help you through it.

I'm sorry.

I'd like to sing a song.

This is a request for someone very special.

They know who they are.

And in answer to your question:
Yes I do. Very much.

- ♪ ...can you hear me? ♪
- No!

Duane, what?

I didn't send you that text.
Connie did.

Yeah, as a joke!

I don't understand.

Look, that was a shitty thing to do.

- Yeah, all right, Duane.
Don't make it worse.
- How could it be worse?

Look, Janet, I really like you.
We have a laugh, but... not in that way...

It's fine...
I don't...

I just thought you'd make
a lovely couple, that's all.

- f*ck off!
- All right.

All right, can I just have a word
before things get too heated?

Are you all right, Janet?

That wasn't nice, Connie.

Now then, there's been
a lot of rumours flying around

the office about voluntary redundancies
and... it's true.

I was charged with the unhappy task
of letting one of you good people go.

I want you to know I fought tooth and nail
with management over it,

until they promoted me.

Now I am management, so...
I've no choice.

Somebody has to go, to balance the books.

And the person I've decided
is going to leave the company...

...is me.

With Mary gone, I'm going to start over.

I've a brother in Florida
I don't see much of,

so I'm going to head out there.

But that means
I'm going to need a replacement.

And the person I've decided
to recommend to the board...

...is Fran.

I can't think of anybody better
to take the team forward.

I know you and Greg
are hoping to tie the knot,

so hopefully this will help
send you on your way.

Thanks, Roger.

Congratulations, babe.
Incredible!

Can we start looking for
a bigger flat now, please?!

Yeah, definitely!

Well done, Fran.

Thanks.

Yeah, "cuntgotalions".

We've booked this room.
Sorry.

I don't think so, darling,
we've got this till half past.

Well, it's nearly half past now, isn't it?

So we don't mind you joining in,
do we, girls?

No, I...
I'm not quite sure there's enough room for...

So you're buying a bigger flat, are you?

What?
No, of course not!

I had to say that, didn't I?
Otherwise it'd be suspicious.

Just wait until the dust settles,
and then I'll tell her tomorrow.

I promise.

I am never letting you go.

- Hey, you're in there, Rog!
- No, she's half my age.

So? Women like a silver fox.
Go for it!

Maybe I will.
I wonder if she's into Whitesnake?

I'm going to ask her.

No, Fran, no!

Are you still here, Janet?
I thought you'd have slunk off by now.

Why don't you sing us another song?
You've got such a nice voice.

What's that?

- Why don't you ask Greg?
- Don't worry, I will.

And, by the way,
I've had a little chat to Fran.

And her new PA job... Guess what?
She wants someone with skills.

Someone who can hear!

I've got skills, Connie.

I can lip read.

What's going on?

You're fired!
Both of you!