06x01 - Mama's Medicine Show

[bunniefuu]

Alright, here you
go, Iola, Chips Ahoy.

My word, whose
choir robe is this?

Well, whose do you think?

That tubbo, Roselle.

Every time she hits that
high note in "Amazing Grace"

she splits a seam.

Well, but I have
to double-stitch this

and add a panel.

Oh, lord, choir robe
maintenance is dreary work.

Then why'd you volunteer for it?

Because I wanna be
church lady of the year

and I'll go through
hell to get it.

Thelma, you know
it doesn't matter

how many unpleasant
good works you do.

Alberta Meechum always
nominates the woman

who gives the most money
to the church expansion fund.

She's not about to make
an exception for you.

Why does she dislike me so?

I've never said one bad word
about that vicious old biddy.

Well, Vinton, what
are we gonna do?

Oh, it'll be alright, Skeeter.

We'll manage somehow.

Honey, we need a $168,000.

What'd they do up the
ticket price at the tractor pull?

No, mama, that's how much

it's gonna cost
to raise our baby.

Oh, well that's ridiculous.

You could raise the Titanic
for that kind of money.

Not according to
parenting today.

Just listen to this.

"To bring up a child
from birth to age 18,

you can expect to spend
an average of $168,420."

Yeah, and we don't
even have the $420.

Well, I had no idea

it was so expensive
to raise a child.

Well, I blame it on all
them designer labels.

Kids have got names
they can't even read

stitched on their butts.

And so shall ours!

Don't you worry about
a thing, sweet pea!

You are going to
have a Polo playsuit

if everyone in this
family has to starve!

Now, no-no one is gonna starve.

I'll just have to work
overtime down at Kwik-Keys.

Well, that's not gonna cut it!

We need to think of a way
to make big bucks in a hurry.

You know, my cousin,
Nadine, she made a fortune

selling wrinkle
cream to her friends.

Nadine ought to use
that stuff on herself.

She's got more lines than
the telephone company.

Hold it, that is a great
idea, Iola, selling something.

Why, just think, Vinton

you and I could
be entrepreneurs.

Or we could just go into
business for ourselves.

Now, Nadine says

that the trick is finding
the right product.

Something everybody needs.

I tell you, a guy selling brains

could clean up in this house.

- Hi, Bubba.
- Hello, Bubba.

Hi, everybody.

Bubba, what is
the matter with you?

Nothing, I'm just a little
tired after swimming practice.

Well, what'd you swim
the English Channel?

Oh, good Lord, you're
coming down with something.

Oh, I hope it's not that flu
that's been going around.

It can't be. I got a big swim
meet coming up in two days.

Well, just do the
crawl over to my chair.

And I'll go get you something.

Boy, I'll tell you,
everybody down at the mall

has been getting this bug.

Mother had it, the
doctor told her to drink

plenty of liquids
and stay in bed.

Of course, that's all
she ever does anyway.

Okay, Bubba, here you go.

Mother Harper's
tonic to the rescue.

Okay, grandma, lay it on me.

Oh, Thelma, don't
tell me you're still using

that home remedy of
your mother-in-law's.

I most certainly am.

She may have been
a simple farm woman

but she was a
natural-born healer.

Yep, I remember when she gave

a big dose of that stuff

to Rita Rose and
it saved her life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Believe me, that
was one sick hog.

Well, for heaven's sake, Thelma

you're giving your
grandson hog medicine!

Rita Rose was just like
a member of the family.

Here, have another
capful, sweetie.

It really works, Iola.

I used to get terrible headaches

it took them right away.

It's good for anything.

One time I ran out of WD-40,
that stuff unfroze the lock.

I tell you, that
stuff's a miracle.

Yeah, Mother
Harper's miracle tonic.

- Ah! That's it!
- That's what?

Honey, this is our
million-dollar product.

Don't you see? Everybody's
gonna need this right now.

Because they got frozen locks?

No, honey, because
they are sick.

We'll mix up a big
batch of this stuff

and sell it to every sniffer
and sneezer in this town.

Oh, you're right, baby.

Today Raytown, tomorrow
Hinckley. We'll make a fortune.

Now, hold on just a
minute, what is this we?

My beloved mother-in-law gave
me that recipe on her deathbed

and I promised that I would
keep it in the family forever.

We'll give you
60% of the profits.

You got a deal.

Thelma, you cannot
foist a homemade remedy

on an unsuspecting
public. It would be immoral.

Not if I give all my proceeds

to the church expansion fund.

You're gonna give
all your profits away?

The lord wants me to.

Why else would he
schedule voting for church lady

of the year and flu season
all at the same time?

Just the consistency I like.

Liquid gold.

Needs just another little
dab of my secret ingredient.

Maybe just another little dab.

Oh, what the hell.

Now what in the world
do you think you're doing?

I just came in to show
you my label design.

Well, show it to me
from across the room.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Thelma

why won't you
tell me what's in it?

Does Coca-Cola tell
their recipe to Pepsi?

Now back off!

Well, at least I know what
your secret ingredient is.

- You do not!
- Do to.

I can smell it
from here, vanilla.

But you don't know
how much I put in.

Neither do you.

Alright, sweetheart, be careful

with those bottles,
they're very fragile.

- Then why is he carrying them?
- Vint, watch out!

Lord, put 'em down, put
'em down, put 'em down.

Oh... mama, you are
gonna love these bottles.

Aren't they beauties?

Naomi, they're all different.

Where the hell did you
get these from, a dumpster?

Certainly not. They're from
the recycling bin at food circus.

So I ought to recycle
the two of you.

I want all of these sterilized
before we use them.

Lord knows whose
icebox they've been in.

When's it gonna be ready,
huh, mama, huh, huh?

Just don't rush me, Vinton.

I sell no tonic before its time.

Needs just one more little
dab of my secret ingredient.

More vanilla?

I swear, this kitchen
is full of security risks.

Hurry up, Miss Harper,
there are customers waiting.

The sooner that
tonic starts rolling out

the sooner the
money comes rolling in.

Is that all you people
can think about?

Don't you realize that
we have a mission here?

It is our duty to provide
relief and comfort to our poor

unhealthy friends and neighbors.

Grandma, can I have
some more of that tonic?

What, and drink
up all the profits?

You can pay five bucks
just like everybody else.

How's life on the assembly line?

Where the hell's Norma
Rae when you need her?

My, Bubba, don't
you look chipper?

Never felt better in my life.

I'm off to my swim meet.

And I owe it all to Mother
Harper's Miracle Tonic.

That's the ticket.

Hey, Bubba, you could do

a testimonial when we
do our TV ad campaign.

Hey, thanks, grandma.

Bubba, where you
goin' with that case?

I'm gonna take it
down to the gym

and see if some of the guys
on the team want to buy it.

- Great idea!
- See you later.

Okay, good luck,
sweetie, and remember

cash only, no checks.

Let's see, we're
really movin' it out.

That means Bubba has one case

Vint and Naomi
took two this morning.

We're gonna take three over
to the league meeting this noon.

I tell you, I'm
gonna have ladies

lickin' that tonic
out of my hands.

Hey, everybody,
look what we've got.

Come on and show 'em, honey.

Look, money, over
a hundred dollars!

Oh, my Lord!

Did you hear that, sweet pea?

We're rich, you're gonna
have Nintendo and everything.

You mean people
actually bought it?

Every bottle.

I tell you, it sells itself.

We sold a whole case

at the Trailer Park
where Luann lives.

Yeah and Earl
down at the Jiffy Lube

bought three bottles
just for himself.

Well, that's it, Iola,
pack 'em all up.

We're gonna take
the whole inventory.

Come on, honey,
let's take this money

and write it down in our book.

Our first little entry.

For our first little dividend.

Oh!

Hey, don't you think

you've made enough
deposits lately?

Vinton, could you help us

and bring those
two cases to the car?

Sure thing.

Hurry up, honey

me and my cash receipts
will be waiting downstairs.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Vint.

Who?

Oh, sure, sure,
you're Earl's wife.

Well... what? I did
no such a thing!

Well, yeah, I-I saw Earl
down at the Jiffy Lube.

But... I don't care what he says

I certainly did
not get him drunk.

Oh, yeah? Well, the same to you!

Will you hurry up
and get the lead out

and load up the car here?

I tell you what we are gonna
have us a high old time.

And don't forget our
White Elephant Sale.

As my husband the Reverend says

"You can always tell the quality
of a church by its rummage."

Now, is there any new business?

Well, I thought you'd never ask.

Very well.

Apparently Thelma has something

she insists on sharing with us.

Go ahead, if you must.

I want to thank you, Alberta

for that warm and
generous introduction.

Ladies, I'm here to talk
to you about a problem

that threatens the
very future of the CLL.

No, it is not lack of
faith, hope, or charity.

No, it is not backbiting
or passing the buck.

Then "what is it" you ask.

You said it all,
sister, it is health.

You women have been coughing
and sneezing and hacking this

whole meeting and I say a
church lady cannot afford to be sick

if she is going to fulfill
her Christian duties.

Thelma, where are
these histrionics leading?

I'm glad you asked
me that question.

Ladies, you are about to witness

the miracle of the ages.

Listen up. You say
you're feeling poorly?

Not quite up to snuff?

Slowed up, dragged out,
and downright pooped?

Well, have I got a jolt for you!

Assistant.

On this stage

on that table, in this bottle,

for the low, low
price of only 5 dollars

is the answer to your prayers

Mother Harper's Miracle Tonic.

If you're weak, it
makes you strong.

If you're sad, it
makes you happy.

If you're irregular...
it makes...

Well, you get the idea.

Now, I tell you what I'm
gonna do because I like you all

so much I have instructed
my assistant here

to give each and
every one of you

a free sample of
this miracle potion.

Now step right up,
come on, come on.

Don't push. Don't Push.

How dare you use a CLL meeting

to sell this concoction for
your own personal gain?

No, this is not for my
own personal gain.

I am just like Paul Newman
with his salad dressing.

All of my proceeds
are going to charity.

In my case, The
Church Expansion Fund.

So, hurry, hurry, hurry,
every bottle we sell

means another new
shingle for our roof.

There you go, Bev,
so here you are.

Come on, Alberta try some.

I guarantee you it's gonna
put a smile on your face.

Come on, down the hatch.

Phew. I feel just like Bayer
when he invented the aspirin.

Alright, ladies, who
didn't get some?

Yeah, okay.

We'll get it to you
as soon as we can.

Yeah, so long.

That was Old Man McCutcheon
out at the Trailer Park.

He wants two more bottles.

Honey, it is time to expand.

We've got to double
our production

to maximize the profits.

Oh, Skeeter, you sound just like

Melanie Griffith
in "Working Girl."

Oh!

Well, at least somebody's happy.

Well, hello, Bubba.
What's the matter?

Swim meet was a total washout.

We lost every heat.

Well, how could that happen?

First of all, nobody could
stay in their own lanes.

And then the relay team
decided not to race at all

and just dangled
their legs in the water.

Why, was it some
kind of protest?

No, they seemed perfectly happy.

In fact, to celebrate, they
threw coach in the pool.

Well, I thought you only
did that when you win.

Or when you're drunk.

- Drunk?
- It was all my fault.

I supplied them with
that stupid miracle tonic.

Bubba, what are you saying?

Grandma's secret
ingredient is booze.

Huh!

Well, that can't be.

It's just a couple of
herbs and some vanilla.

Vanilla extract, Uncle
Vint. It's 35% alcohol.

I sent a bottle of it
over to the chem lab

and had it analyzed.

Well, no wonder Old Man
McCutcheon wanted refills!

And that would explain
why Earl was riding the car lift

all afternoon
down at Jiffy Lube.

Vinton, we have got to
get all of those bottles back.

Oh, Skeeter.

Yeah, we gotta break
the news to grandma.

She's down at the CLL.
We've got to stop her.

Oh, let's go!

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

Keep that line goin'!

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

Move those legs!

Move 'em! Move 'em!

Rraao-ao-ao-ao!

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

Move it, Vicki.

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪♪♪

1-2-3 la... ohh!

You know, Thelma.

There's something not
quite right about all this.

Well, I think it's Alberta.
She's got no sense of rhythm.

No, no, no, I mean these
women are acting strange.

Well, they're just
happy with the product.

When you're
healthy, you're happy.

You know, I was
wrong about that tonic.

It's fantastic.

Psst!

Io-Iola, when the Miracle
Tonic hits the big time

you know what I'm
gonna make you?

Vice-president in
charge of quality control.

Oh, Thelma!

Aw, honey, bless your heart.

You're a hell of a gal.

You're all hell of a gals!

Yeah!

Hey, gals, I want
to propose a toast

to all of the church ladies
who have gone before us.

Here's to those brave pioneers
who gave us the quilting bee

the paper drive, and
the p-pancake breakfast.

Bless you, ladies,
wherever you are.

Yeah!

Bless you, too, Thelma!

Well, Alberta.

Oh, Thelma, Thelma, Thelma!

Oh, Berta, Berta, Berta!

Thelma, forgive me.

I have not always
been kind to you.

No. You forgive me

I've been downright mean to you.

Well, I deserved it.

But, I am going to
make it up to you.

I am nominating you
Church Lady of The Year.

Me? Oh, well, I'm not worthy.

You should be
church lady of the year.

No, no, it should be you.

- It should be you.
- It should be you.

- It should be you.
- No, it should be you.

Okay, you're right,
it should be me.

Oh, Thelma, Thelma,
Thelma, Thelma!

Oh, Berta, Berta, Berta!

Oh!

Iola, are you alright?

Alright? I'm gonna
be vice-president.

Mama? Mama!

Could I speak to you?

- Excuse us, Mrs. Meachum.
- My whole family!

Hey, come here,
come here, come here!

Guess what I'm gonna be?

Hung over.

Grandma, your tonic
is laced with alcohol.

Yeah, and you and the
church ladies are all snoppered.

Oh, that's probably why
I started liking Alberta.

Oh, heavens, I guess we'd
better let everybody know.

Do it and die!

You are not gonna
spoil my big chance

to be church lady of the year.

Come on, girls,
everybody up, let's party!

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

♪♪ 1-2-3 la conga! ♪♪

Well, we bought
back all the bottles.

Except for Old Man McCutcheon's.

We couldn't pry
it out of his hands.

Could you people
be a little more quiet?

Amen to that.

My brain cells are
doing the conga.

Well, it is no less
than you deserve.

We lost a fortune
on this fiasco!

Yeah, mama, what
are we gonna do now?

Well, I don't know
about the rest of you

but I'm gonna have some
hair of the tonic that bit me.

Oh, Thelma, is that any way

for a Church Lady
of the Year to act?

Oh, shut up and pour!