06x05 - Tri-State's Most Wanted

[bunniefuu]

Was trapped in an
elevator shaft in Downtown...

and narrowly escaped
being crushed...!

Come on, you couch potatoes,
I could use some help here.

Shh. Not during
"Tri-state's Most Wanted."

Your three mugs are
most wanted in my kitchen.

Grandma, this is
an important show.

It gets ordinary people
involved in fighting crime.

Yeah, and it's our duty as
patriotic Americans to watch it.

Oh, stop wrapping
yourself in the flag

and start scraping these plates.

Be on the lookout for
Bobby "Tex" Snyder

now believed to be
in the Tri-state area.

Oh, what a face.

Hmm, I wonder why
they call him "Tex."

Well, maybe it's
got something to do

with that tattoo of
Texas on his forehead.

Oh, look at that big
scar above his eyebrow.

It isn't a scar, that's
the Rio Grande.

Remember, there's
a $20,000 reward

for information leading

to the arrest and
conviction of this man.

Wow.

Twenty thousand dollars.

That would certainly
buy a lot of baby food

for our new addition.

What makes you think
you could catch a crook?

Well, that one's
so easy to spot.

Yeah. How many guys part
their hair on the right side?

Oh, lord, Naomi, I
think you can kiss

your Gerbers goodbye.

- Hello!
- Hey, Iola, what's up?

Oh, I just came by
to borrow something.

That's what neighbors
are for, what do you need?

Your sofa.

My sofa?

Don't tell me your mother
broke the couch again.

Oh, no, mother's given
up the couch for good.

Daddy reinforced the
La-Z-Boy with tempered steel.

She couldn't be happier.

- Then why do you want our sofa?
- I know why.

Iola is doing props again for
that damn Pepper Pot Playhouse.

But, Thelma, this
is terribly important.

The script calls for
shabby period furniture

badly in need of refurbishing.

Your sofa's perfect.

Hey, what show
are you puttin' on?

Oh, it's our first
world premiere.

It's called, "A
Noble Obsession."

It's all about this
Austrian count

who falls in love with a
young girl with amnesia.

Played by Miss
Pepper Pot herself

Martha Pape Hines.

That old battle-a* is
playing the young girl?

Well, the part was
written especially for her.

Yeah, by Martha Pape Hines.

I hear she hired a
big New York actor

to play the part of the count.

Who? Who? Somebody famous?

Ah-ha, Leslie Lemoyne.

Oh, boy, Leslie Lemoyne!

Who is Leslie Lemoyne?

Nobody knows and nobody cares.

He's probably some
has-been who never was.

Well, apparently Martha
Pape doesn't feel that way.

She is paying him a salary.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

And she is putting
him up at the Motel 6.

The new one under the Viaduct?

You got it. Martha Pape's
going first class all the way.

Well, not with
my sofa she ain't.

- Oh, but, Thelma...
- No buts, Iola.

The way that hambone
chews up the scenery,

nobody's sofa is safe.

I'll give you program credit.

Get out!

There.

If I do say so myself

this is the spitting image
of Bobby "Tex" Snyder.

Yeah.

Hey, mama, look.

Naomi has made
an artist's rendering

of tri-state's most wanted.

Oh, I didn't know
ALF was on the run.

How dare you criticize my work?

I've been told I
have natural talent.

Well, you shouldn't
believe everything

you hear in the
backseat of a Chevy.

We will see who
has the last laugh

once we get that $20,000 reward.

That's right, mama. We are going
bounty hunting over at the mall.

Lord help us all.

There's going to be a
sh**t-out at Hickory Farms.

No need for
gunplay, little lady.

We got these.

Where the hell did
you two get handcuffs?

At Sheriff Starkweather's
garage sale.

Go ahead, tell her
our plan, honey.

Well, sir, as soon as we
spot the alleged perpetrator

Naomi will distract him.

And then I'll snap
on these babies

before he knows what hit him.

Oh, sweetheart, Don
Johnson has nothing on you.

Yeah, except looks, money,
and five o'clock shadow.

Okay, Skeeter, get
me out of these things.

Alright, baby, where's the key?

I thought you had it.

I don't have it,
don't you have it?

No!

Alright. Uh, don't panic.

Um, perhaps it's in your
other pants in the basement.

Well, I hope so, we've got

the bowling league
finals next Tuesday.

Well, the city can sleep well
with those two on the case.

Hey, grandma, guess what?

I tried out for that play
down at the Pepper Pot

and I got the part.

Since when are you so
interested in the theater?

Since Patty Benson got
cast as the count's niece.

I've been trying to get her
to notice me for months.

Yeah? So what are you
going to play, her love interest?

Uh, not exactly,
but it's a pivotal role.

I play the second delivery boy.

A star is born.

Well, gee, grandma, there
were a lot of guys up for that part.

Some of them even
had experience.

Acting experience?

No, delivery experience.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

Who is that man over
there talking to Iola?

I hope he's not trying to
sell her aluminum sidin'.

No, grandma, that's
Leslie Lemoyne.

I saw his picture
down at the Pepper Pot.

Boy, doesn't he
look full of himself?

I tell you, if there's
one thing cannot stand

it's some phoney-baloney
actor tooting his own horn.

Yoo-hoo, Thelma!

Hi, sweetie! My, lord,
she's bringing him over here.

Oh, Thelma Harper

I would like you to
meet Mr. Leslie Lemoyne

the star of the show
down at the Pepper Pot.

It's nice to meet
you, Mr. Lemoyne.

The pleasure is all mine.

I was admiring your
lovely home and garden

from across the way.

Well, thank you. I do my best.

My, such a dainty hand.

Surely these are not the fingers

of a lady who does yardwork.

Well, I just use
gardening gloves

and cornhuskers lotion.

The beauty secrets
of America's heartland.

You know, Thelma, Mr. Lemoyne
has been all over the world.

He recently starred
in the New Zealand

production of "Under
The Yum-Yum Tree."

Oh, well, I guess after
wowing them down under

Raytown must seem pretty boring.

On the contrary,
I find it charming.

I believe the smaller the town,

the nicer the people.

Well, we've always prided
ourselves on our smallness.

I-I do wish our
town was big enough

that we could provide
you with the props

and the sets that you deserve.

Oh, don't you worry, Miss Boylen

you're doing a splendid
job, all things considered.

Iola, you didn't tell me

that you were having
production problems.

Why don't we go discuss
this over a pot of tea?

You know what, I
have a sofa in here

I believe would be just
perfect for your production.

Thelma... Now, not
another word, Iola.

You know what I always
say, "The show must go on!"

Boy, tracking criminals
can wear you out.

Now I know why Cagney and Lacey

threw in the towel.

I never realized how many people

don't have tattoos
on their faces.

Honey, I think we
better just give it up.

Oh, now, Skeeter, we
can catch that crook.

All's we got to do is
keep our eyes peeled.

The secret to being
a good detective...

is paying attention to detail.

Oh!

Honey, while we were out

looking for crooks,
somebody snuck in here

and stole the sofa.

Good lord, now he
thinks he's a bloodhound.

Mama, what happened to the sofa?

I lent it to the Pepper
Pot Playhouse.

You did?

Well, whatever made
you change your mind?

Well, Bubba got a
part in the production

and I thought that I
would support him.

Oh, and I suppose Leslie Lemoyne

had nothing to do with
your sudden change of heart.

Mama, you met Leslie Lemoyne?

Yeah, he just dropped
by for a minute or two.

A minute...

Thelma, he was here
for an hour and a half

drinking tea and eating
La Vienna cookies.

La Vienna cookies?

Somebody's got a beau!

Oh, will you dry up?

I just feel sorry for
the man, that's all.

I mean, he lives
out of a suitcase.

He's starved for a
little taste of home.

Oh, I suppose that's why
you invited him to dinner

on Friday night.

Well, I had to do something.

Leslie invited me to be
his guest on opening night.

Oh, so now, it's "Leslie."

Oh, I think mama's got a crush!

Will you all just knock it off?

Mr. Lemoyne and I are
just good friends, that's all.

I would just like to
repay his kindness

with a simple home-cooked meal.

I wonder what chateaubriand
is going for nowadays.

Oh, gee, grandma, I'm so
nervous about opening night

I don't know if I'm gonna
be able to eat dinner.

Well, good, 'cause
you're not invited.

Hey, you're really going
all out for Mr. Lemoyne.

"Vegetable medley
francaise," pretty fancy.

It is just peas and
little-bitty onions.

Say, grandma, will you
help me rehearse my part?

I wanna be letter perfect.

Sure, sweetie.

Okay.

- Alrighty, page 27.
- Ah-ha

- I'm reading The Count?
- Right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

First, I come up to
the door and I knock.

And The Count comes
to the door, and I say

"Would you please sign
here for your package, Count?"

Well, is that it?

Yeah. What do you think?

Well, I think whoever said
"There are no small parts"

was full of it.

Well, at least this
way I'll have more time

to spend backstage with Patty.

See ya after the show, grandma!

Break a leg, sweetie.

sh**t, I didn't even
get to read a line.

What are you two
still doing here?

I thought you were
out cruising for crooks.

No, we hit a dead end in
the Bobby "Tex" Snyder case.

Well, I'm glad you're finally
finished with that foolishness.

We decided to start
over from scratch.

Yeah. We're gonna stay home

and watch this week's
"Tri-state's Most Wanted"

and find somebody
new to go after.

What? When you're
right on the verge

of catching up with Bobby Tex?

No, you go on out
there and get sleuthing.

Hey, you don't
fool us, Ms. Harper.

We know you want
the house all to yourself

so that you can
play a love scene

with your silver-haired Romeo.

Yeah, it's a good thing we're
going to be home to chaperone.

The hell you are. Now,
both of you get going.

They're about to show
the felon of the week.

You're gonna be the
victim of the month

if you don't get your
butts out of here.

Alright, fine.

We will go out to the
streets for our manhunt

and you can stay
in here for yours.

Remember, mama, there are things

you don't do on the first date.

Yeah, like mention my children!

Lord!

Look at this mess
they left here.

Well, Vinton, for
crying out loud,

if you do run into Bobby Tex

it looks like you're
going to be on your own.

This weeks felon
is a dangerous man

who preys on older women.

He's now believed to
be in the Tri-state area.

A $50,000 reward is
offered for his capture.

He's a consummate actor,
capable of playing many roles.

Handsome and charming.

He woos his way
into women's lives.

Marries them for their money

then brutally does
away with them.

His last victim, Harriet Lee,
was a rich widow from Phoenix

on her final trip to
the Grand Canyon.

Ah, isn't it a lovely evening?

Come closer to
the edge, my dear.

Oh, my lord, it's
Leslie Lemoyne!

I'm fixing chateaubriand
for the Widow Waster!

Maybe if I'm real
quiet, he'll go away.

Thelma? Oh!

There you are!

Didn't you hear the doorbell?

Well, uh, w-w-w...

Is anything wrong, Thelma?

No, no! No. Wrong? No!
What could be wrong?

Ah, I see we're dining alone.

Not alone, my family
will be back any minute.

The table is set for two.

Well, we've only got
the two place settings

so we have to dine in shifts.

Thelma, I love that
homespun humor of yours!

Yeah, I'm a panic!

Oh! There's dinner. I
better go check on that.

Uh, why don't you just sit down
and make yourself at home?

Uh, way over there
by the front door?

- Thelma?
- Aah!

Sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.

You didn't!

Ah...

The aroma of your cooking
is too enticing to resist.

Well, it's a darn shame,
because it's burnt, see?

We're gonna have to eat out.

I know a great spot, too.

There's a big old cafeteria

over there by the
Pepper Pot Playhouse.

It's real crowded and well lit.

I'm not hungry anyway.

At least, not for food.

Oh, brother.

Thelma, please,
don't be nervous.

We celebrities are
people just like you

with the same needs,
the same desires.

Sour ball?

Thelma, you do excite me.

I'm sorry, I swear
I won't do it again.

You temptress,
you're toying with me.

Only one other
woman ever resisted me

the way that you have.

Oh, yeah? What happened to her?

She married me.

Unfortunately, she's
no longer with us.

Uh-oh.

Thelma, you seem so tense.

Tense? Who's tense?

Oh...

Thelma, I know
just what you need.

Oh, lord!

One minute in my hands,
you'll think you've d*ed

and gone to heaven.

Well, that was just
great! Now it's your turn!

I wasn't done!

Don't be silly, now,
after all, you're the one

who has the performance tonight.

You just relax, leave
everything to me.

Oh, Thelma, that
is pure pleasure.

Yeah, well it will
be even better

if you close your eyes.

There! I've got you now!

Thelma, you surprise me.

I didn't know the
hinterlands were so kinky!

You ain't seen
nothin' yet, buster!

Oh, I love it.

I love it!

Well, we'll just see
how much you love it

when you're sitting
in the slammer!

Oh, I get it.

You're the prison guard

and I'm the naughty inmate.

You sicko!

I love it when you
talk wicked to me.

Thelma, could we continue
this after the show tonight?

The show is over
for you, mister!

Hello, operator,
get me the police.

Poli... Thelma,
what are you doing?

I've got to go to the theater.

You ain't going
anywhere, you lady-k*ller!

You're serious!

Uh, help! Somebody help!

Get my agent on the phone!

You can forget your agent.

You need a lawyer!

Thelma, what are
you doing, Thelma?

Hello? Hello, police?
This is Thelma Harper.

I have got the
Tri-state's most wanted

sitting right here in my living
room, bound and gagged.

Yeah, say, I was wondering,
could I get that $50,000

in small bills?

Yeah, you know, it is so hard
to cash a c-note nowadays.

Oh, now I know why
cops have flat feet.

We must have walked
over every inch of this town

and didn't see
one single criminal.

Yeah, just our luck

to live in a
crime-free community.

- Where's grandma?
- Haven't seen her.

Hey, how was the play, you guys?

It was a disaster.

Leslie Lemoyne never showed up.

I had to hold the
script and read his part.

They booed me off the stage.

Well, gee, I thought
your Australian accent

was pretty good.

It was supposed to be Austrian.

Uh, what about me?

I was so thrown I said

"Will you please sign here

"for your package, Miss Boylen?"

Now, Patty won't go to
the cast party with me.

Wait till I get my hands
on Thelma and Lemoyne.

Where could they be?

Well, we haven't
checked her bedroom.

My mama wouldn't do that.

Thelma, where have you been?

The police station.

See, I told you my
mama wouldn't do that.

What were you doing
at the police station?

Well, I sort of had
Mr. Lemoyne arrested.

You what?

Well, I saw him
k*lling some old lady

on "Tri-state's Most Wanted".

It was a re-enactment.
I was playing a part!

Well, you sure fooled me!

Oh, for heaven's sake

any idiot knows
that a real criminal

would not commit a m*rder
in front of a TV camera.

He wouldn't?

Well, that's what I
get for doing television.

Gee, Ms. Harper, I think you've
had your final performance

with Leslie Lemoyne.

Oh, that Broadway blowhard.

It serves me right for
getting involved with an actor.

They break your heart,
they steal your sofa

they leave you with an
oven full of chateaubriand.

Next time I tell an
actor to break a leg

I'm gonna mean it!