06x07 - A Blast from the Past

[bunniefuu]

I don't care what you say, Iola

I'm never going
through that again.

Lord, I hate those
sidewalk sales.

Grown women ready to
wrestle you to the ground

for ten percent off.

Isn't that the truth?

I was holding the loveliest
pink and black apron

and somebody in the crowd
just ripped it right out of my hands.

Thelma!

Oh, stop your whining.

It looks much better on me.

I'm gonna make
it up to you, Iola.

I'm gonna treat you to lunch.

Oh, my.

Pimento loaf, head cheese

a whole platter
of variety meats.

Did you have company last night?

No, this is Naomi's
latest brainstorm.

She started a catering business.

Catering? She needs
a recipe to make ice.

Tell me about it.

Yeah, she talked to the deli
man down at Food Circus.

He's selling her all
his day-old stuff cheap.

She roped Bubba
into helping her serve.

The two of them are
off on a job right now.

Now, who in their right
mind would hire her?

Nobody, it was Vinton.

He talked all his lodge
brothers into letting her

cater their initiation brunch.

Well, I guess it'll be alright

as long as she
doesn't do any cooking.

Oh, I don't think those
Mystic Knights of the Cobra

would know any better anyway.

Their idea of a balanced
meal is a chili dog in each hand.

Well, that was a
disaster. I'm ruined.

I guess them Cobras
are smarter than I thought.

Oh, now, it didn't
go so bad, Skeeter.

All the guys were lining
up to get to your food.

They were lining up
to get to the bathroom.

Potato salad went bad.

I can't understand
what happened.

It tasted perfectly
fine when I put it

in the car yesterday.

You left something
with mayonnaise

in the car since yesterday?

Lord, why didn't
you just feed them

some rat poison
with a cherry on top?

I think I'll skip lunch today.

Good idea.

Oh, honey, what's
going to happen

if one of those crybabies
decides to sue us?

Oh, now, there is
nothing to worry about.

It's in our bylaws that no Cobra

is allowed to sue another Cobra.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, nevertheless

I believe I'd get rid
of those left-overs.

They could be used as evidence.

Maybe we should, Skeeter.

One of these cold cuts is green

and you didn't
buy any olive loaf.

Lord, Naomi, next time you cater

why don't you get some
paramedics for waiters?

Hey, Mama, look what
I found in your trash.

Well that's where it belongs.

No, it's an invitation.

Well, what's it say, Uncle Vint?

"You are cordially invited

"to the Gilmore Junior
High School 50th reunion."

Gee, I wonder who this is for?

Annette Funicello.

It's for me, you big goon.

- You don't want to attend?
- No, I most certainly do not.

Well, why? Reunions
can be a lot of fun.

Then you go.

Well, grandma, don't
you want to get together

with your old
schoolmates from Gilmore?

If I wanted to, I wouldn't
have waited 50 years.

What about those
two girlfriends of yours

you used to tell me about?

Selma and Gertrude?

Oh, that was Velma and Hortense.

We were known as
"The Three Musketeers"

Thelma, Velma, and Hortense.

Well, I think she
ought to go back

and relive those old times.

No sirree, not me.

I'm not the kind of person
who is stuck in the past.

I'm a today kind
of a with-it gal

who lives for the excitement
of the here and now.

So, if you will excuse me

I have doilies to
put on my davenport.

I think there is more going
on here than meets the eye.

It's too bad this invitation
is going to waste.

It's not!

I'm going to call
this RSVP number

and get 'em to hire
me to cater this reunion.

Hey!

Oh, you better call quick

before the Cobras
get back on their feet

and start blabbing
about that potato salad.

Thelma, your silence
speaks volumes.

Oh, yeah? What am
I saying right now?

Okay, if you don't want
to go to your reunion

you don't have to tell me why.

- That's perfectly fine.
- Good.

Oh, tell me, tell me,
tell me, please, please.

Oh, alright.

If you promise to cross
your heart and hope to die

I'll tell you the whole story.

You got it. Now spill your guts.

Well, it all started when
Clayton Gibbons asked me

to the spring jamboree.

And, like a fool, I said yes.

Oh, what was he, a drip?

No, he was the answer
to a teenage girl's prayer.

He had muscles
and wavy brown hair.

And his father's red Nash.

Never will forget the
cute little hat he wore too.

It was one of them
beanies, you know

with all the bottle caps on it?

Oh, he sounds just heavenly.

The hell he was.

The minute we left that
dance, he pulled the old

"oh, shortcut on a
dark, deserted road

"oops, we've run out of gas,
so I'll just put the seat back

so as we can relax" routine.

Oh, I understand.

Bedazzled by the moonlight,
the big band sound on the radio

his beanie, you
just couldn't resist.

Yes, I could.

You mean you
didn't even kiss him?

Oh, no, he tried to kiss me,

but I put him in a hammerlock

quicker than you
can say "Hulk Hogan."

Well, I guess you
did the right thing.

Oh, a lot of good it did me.

He showed up at
school the next day

with his arm in a
sling and he said

that he sprained it
when I dragged him

into the back seat!

From that day on,
I was known as...

Hot Pants.

- "Hot Pants?"
- Shh!

I'm tellin' ya, every
guy in that school

wanted to go out with me,
and most of their fathers too.

I lived with the shame of
"Here comes Hot Pants"

ringing in my ears from that day

until the day we moved
away from Gilmore.

Oh, but it was such
a long time ago.

I'm sure everybody's
forgotten by now.

Well, I certainly haven't.

Well, maybe it's time you
did lay that ghost to rest.

Don't you want to go
see your old chums again?

Well, I wouldn't mind seeing

Velma and Hortense
again after all these years.

Then do it. I'll go with you
as sort of a moral support.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Thelma,
it will give you a chance

to show them how
great you still look.

Well, now, that is true.

I have kept my figure.

Of course, I'm not
the type to gloat.

Oh, well, it
wouldn't be gloating.

It would be more
like giving them

a personal goal they
can set for themselves.

Hey, grandma, guess what?

I got us another job.

Mama, Naomi's going
to cater your reunion.

Well, that does it.
Now, I've got to go.

Somebody has to warn those folks

about the salmonella
smorgasbord.

Hey, this is amazing.

These tablecloths look just like
grandma's bedsheets from home.

Well, where do
you think I got 'em?

You sure did a great job
preparing all the food, Skeeter.

Thank you, honey.

I wanted to make sure that
everything went smooth this time

so I fixed everything
fresh, right out of the can.

Oh, well... the old gym
still smells exactly the same.

Isn't it nice the way an aroma

can bring back
cherished memories?

Pardon me if I don't
cherish an old sweat sock.

Hey, Ms. Harper, you made it.

Yeah, what took you
so long to get here?

Oh, Thelma took forever
deciding what dress to wear.

And that's the one
you came up with, huh?

Well, thank you for
the moral support.

Can't anybody in this family
ever say anything nice?

Good Lord, don't tell me

you're serving this
slop to human beings.

Now, Thelma, it
doesn't look that bad.

Yeah, Mama, here, try one of
Naomi's Limburger munchies.

Goodnight. Pits on a Ritz.

Well, obviously the two of
you want to mix and mingle

so we will just take our
gourmet treats elsewhere.

Come along, sweetheart.

Oh, hello, madam, would
you care for an hors d'oeuvre?

Hey, wait up, lady.

Have you tried our deviled
ham and cheese whiz surprise?

Well, I'm leaving.

Oh, now, come on, Thelma.

There is nothing to worry about.

Maybe you're right.

I don't see that creep

Clayton Gibbons around anywhere.

So, who do you
want to talk to first?

- Betty Binder.
- And where is she?

North Miami Beach, let's go.

We're not going anywhere.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

No one's going to
remember that silly story.

Well, I'll be!

You're Thelma
Crowley, aren't you?

I'd recognize those
pretty eyes anywhere.

Oh, well thank you.

Remember me? Frank
Fillmore from Gilmore!

Oh, sure, Frank, it's
great to see you again.

I want you to meet the missus.

Thelma Crowley,
this is my wife Martha.

Martha, this is Hot Pants!

I thought you said
nobody would remember.

- Well, he's just a jerk.
- A jerk with a good memory.

Well, i-i-it's only one person.
Nobody else has brought it up.

I haven't talked
to anybody else.

Thelma, are you going
to let one little man

ruin the entire evening?

Are you going to leave
this place, call it quits

with your tail
between your legs?

Sounds like a plan to me.

- Thelma...
- Oh, alright, I'm staying.

Say, Ms. Boylen, could you

give us a hand over
at the buffet table?

Oh, sure, Bubba, do
you need me to serve?

No, we need you to
eat, or at least pretend to.

Nobody will go near the food.

Oh, very well, I'll
act as your shill

just don't ask me to stand at
the downwind end of the table.

Iola, please don't leave me.

Oh, Thelma, now
will you just relax?

Now circulate, circulate.

Alright, but I won't
like it, I won't like it.

Well, hello, I'm Joanne Mickley,

one of the hostesses.

Who are you?

Thelma Crowley.

I don't think I remember you.

But then some people
just don't stand out.

Uh, who were your friends?

- Uh, Velma...
- Dead.

Oh, no, well, I'm
so sorry to hear that.

Well, who else?

- Uh, Hortense?
- Dead.

Well, good Lord.

Cheer up, not everyone's dead.

Clara Paxton's alive,
and in the girl's room

showing everyone
her gallbladder scar.

I think I'll just pass on that.

Well, suit yourself. You
remember me, don't you?

Everyone says I
haven't changed a bit.

Oh, really? You looked
70 back then too, huh?

I'll have you know, I was
queen of the harvest ball.

Oh, now I remember you.

I always wondered how you won.

I suppose the fact
that your father donated

all the pumpkins was
just a funny coincidence.

Still bitter after
all these years

because you were
never in the limelight?

I was too. I won first
prize in the sewing contest.

- Oh, you did not.
- I most certainly did too.

I've still got the silver
engraved thimble to prove it.

That's impossible, the
sewing contest was won by...

Oh, my, they said you'd never
have the nerve to show up.

Hey, everybody, guess
what? Hot Pants did come!

I want to k*ll myself.

Quick, give me
something Naomi made.

Uh, here, have one of these

little spam and
anchovy sandwiches.

Hey, you're not going to
believe what I just heard.

They're all talking
about this gal

that they graduated with,
apparently the town tramp.

They call her Hot Pants.

Yeah. I heard some of the
men talking about her too.

Uh, these people look
real hungry up here.

Why don't you get
them some food?

You know it's hard to imagine

that one of these old biddies

was once a loosey-goosey.

Now, Skeeter, you
really shouldn't kid

about a thing like that.

That floozy could be
somebody's mother.

Yeah, let's leave
the poor dear alone.

I wonder which one it could be.

Hey, maybe it's that
one with the walker

that keeps shaking her hips.

I'm sorry, I could not
force one more person

to eat a Vienna sausage
and mini marshmallow kebab.

So, Iola, have you
heard about Hot Pants?

Thelma, you told
them your nick...

No, but you just did!

Ms. Harper, you are Hot Pants?

Grandma, I can't
believe you had a bad rep.

That's really cool!

It's weird, but it's cool.

Mama, say it isn't so!

It isn't! It's all
lies, all of it.

Oh, sure. Shame
on you, Ms. Harper.

All these years you've
been calling me cheap

when you're the
original red tag special?

Shut up before I kick your
butt into the bargain bin!

I'm sorry, Thelma, I didn't
mean to spill the beans.

Well, I might have known
them beans would come back

one day to haunt me. I've
had enough of this, let's go.

Oh, not yet, Mama,
they're about to start

the "Who's got the
most liver spots" contest.

Get out of my way.

Oh, my Lord, I'd know
that hat anywhere.

- Who is it?
- It's Clayton Gibbons.

He's the one that got me
voted most likely to succeed...

with anyone.

That's Clayton Gibbons?

He looks harmless enough.

Well, believe me,
underneath that beanie

lies the brain of a sex maniac.

Well, maybe we should
go, before there's a big scene

and everybody starts
talking about you.

Everybody is already
talking about me.

I'm not going to leave
until I tell that snake

what I think of him.

Hey, Gibbons, you remember
me? Thelma Crowley?

Huh?

Thelma!

Velma? Velma's dead.

Hortense too,
but Clara's alright.

She's alive and showing
everybody her gallbladder scar.

You wanna see mine?
I got a better one.

You tried to show me a lot
more than that 50 years ago.

Now what did you
say your name was?

I'm not sure I remember you.

Thelma Crowley, I'm the
one you took to the jamboree.

- Huh?
- Thelma!

Hot Pants.

You're gonna have to speak up.

I'm Hot Pants!

Just what do you have to say
for yourself, Clayton Gibbons?

Well, I'd say it's good
to see you, Thelma.

Changed your hair, haven't you?

That's it, after all of your
lies have ruined my life?

Oh, you mean that
old Hot Pants story?

That happened a long time ago

long before they had
twist-off bottle caps.

Now you listen to
me, you horny toad.

I have carried around
this humiliation for 50 years

and I ain't about to drag
it around for another 50.

Well, gee, I had no idea
it bothered you so much.

Well, it did, and I
think it's high time

you set the record straight.

Excuse me, everybody, may
I have your attention, please?

Attention please, everyone.

Clayton Gibbons
would like to tell you all

what really happened
the night of the jamboree.

- Uh...
- Go on, tell them.

Well... my memory's
a bit foggy...

Ow! Uh, but I remember.

Yes, uh, we were
on Beecher Road.

Uh-huh.

And what exactly were we doing

on that dark, deserted road?

Well, I wanted to get you
alone on a dark, deserted road.

Mm-hmm. And then what?

Ran out of gas.

Ah!

And why did we run out of gas?

Because I siphoned most of
it off before I picked you up.

Aha!

So, alright, here we are
on a dark, deserted road

we've just run out of gas.

What happened next?

Oh, I remember now.

She was all over me!

Oh, I can still see her
big lips smacking away.

What?

Oh, I tell you, her
hands grabbing.

I'll tell you something... I
was in the army in France

and I never saw such moves.

I never moved a thing!

Ah, I tell you, believe me

I could tell I wasn't her first.

Why, you lying wretch,
you tell them the truth.

Ah! Well, I see you
still got your grip.

Yeah, since you've last seen
me, I've learned how to body slam.

Okay, okay, okay, I remember.

I tried to get Thelma
to neck with me

she grabbed my arm and
threw it in a hammerlock

and twisted it until I
promised to go for gas.

That's more like it.

Now tell them about
the Hot Pants story.

Well, the next day
my arm still hurt.

So I made up the whole
story just to get back at you.

Nothin' really happened,
absolutely nothin'.

There, now you see, everybody,
nothing happened at all.

I didn't do anything.
I was a good girl.

I knew my mama
wasn't a backseat bimbo.

sh**t, I was starting to get
a whole new respect for her.

Well, I still think she's cool.

Good for you, Thelma.

I always knew you were
pure as the driven snow.

Oh, go drive yourself
off a cliff, peewee.

I'm, I'm glad the
truth finally came out.

Oh, are you, now?

Well, speaking of truth, miss
queen of your harvest ball

let's talk about this
suit for a minute.

Where'd you get that, anyway,
Joan Collins' garage sale?

You look like a
polar bear in heat.

- Party's over now.
- Are you kiddin'?

I'm just now starting
to have a good time.

Oh, look who's here.
There she is, teacher's pet.

We should have put a
litter-box under your chair.

Oh, and if it isn't

Mr. President of
the old bible club.

Say, how did that
paternity suit ever work out?

Hey, Bubba, go get
me a couple of beers.

I'm on a roll here.

Hey, George, you old lush,

you still standing up
there at the punch bowl?

Why don't you just take
off that butt-ugly toupee

and dive on in?

Oh, now who's over
here in the pink dress?

Clarence, I'm so glad
that sex change finally took.

Well, my catering
career is kaput.

- They hated everything.
- No, they didn't.

The custodian
loved your clam dip.

Yeah, he used three
bowls of it to plug up

that leaky pipe
in the boys' room.

Well, I had a ball.

I can't get over the
fact that I have aged

better than anyone
in that whole class.

I swear, I think if I went blond

I could pass for
one of their children.

Thelma, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

I've never been so
mortified in my life.

Oh, lighten up.

That reunion was
dead in the water

till I got there.

You were great, Mama.

You know, I've been thinking...

we ought to plan
a family reunion.

What the hell for?

I don't need a special occasion

to tell you bozos off.