06x08 - Psychic Pheno-Mama

[bunniefuu]

[Dixieland music]

[music continues]

Well, I got nothin'.
Your turn, Ms. Boylen.

I tell you what, Bubba, ever
since you broke up with Terry

your Yahtzee game
has just gone all to hell.

I don't care about
five of a kind, grandma.

I just want my
one of a kind back.

Oh, forget about the
ditz and add your score.

How you doin' here, Iola?

Oh, I'm having a hard time
getting with the game too.

I'm so worried about mother.

What now?

Oh, I bought her
a new depilatory

hair today gone tomorrow.

She just had a
terrible reaction to it.

Her upper lip blew
up like an inner tube.

Well, why did you even bother?

I thought the mustache

made her look
real distinguished.

Well, you won again, grandma.

Well, you two are
no competition at all.

Hey, Vinton, Naomi,
you wanna play?

Uh, not now, Mama.

I got more on my mind
than double Yahtzee.

Yeah, we were just
out visiting Luann

in her mobile home on Route Five

and guess who was there.

Every trucker in
the tri-state area?

No, a real, live psychic.

Oh, my, well, that's
a first for Raytown.

Well, what does she do,
read your palms or your cards?

No, no, no, that
stuff is the bunk.

She is a channeler.

It is amazing, Bubba.

She goes into a trance

and then a spirit
enters her body.

Yeah, I'll lay you odds
that spirit is Jack Daniels.

Oh, not necessarily, Thelma.

I've read that trance channeling

is the latest way of
tapping into the unknown.

Oh, I blame all of this
malarkey on Shirley MacLaine.

I swear, when that
girl stopped dancin'

I think it drove her cuckoo.

Well, you will change your tune

when you see
Madam Rita in action.

Yeah, she's comin' over

to do a reading for
us tomorrow night.

Oh, no, I don't want
that ding-a-ling here.

Well, Mama...

she says she needs
to be in our house

to feel our vibrations.

Yeah, and to check
out my silverware.

Hey, maybe she can
tell me if I'm ever gonna

get back with Terry.

Ooh, could I come too?

She might be able
to say if mother

will ever be free
of her allergies.

Sure, Iola, the
more, the merrier.

But you've got to
chip in for the $20 fee.

Who would be stupid
enough to waste their money

on this foolishness?

- I'm in.
- Me too.

What time's she comin' over?

About seven thirty. I'm
bringing her in my pick-up.

Her car's got
transmission trouble.

Oh, brother, you mean
she can see into the future

but she can't go into reverse?

Oh, come on, now, Ms.
Harper, join the party.

Take a trip to a new dimension.

Forget it, living
with you lame brains

is twilight zone enough for me.

Besides, I've got
plenty of better things

to do with my time.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh-h-h.

It sounds like they're having

the time of their
lives in there.

Well, fightin' baked on
grease can be fun too.

- Wow!
- Yeah!

What are they
going on about now?

And why am I cleaning my
oven at eight o'clock at night?

I've got a perfect right to know
what's going on in my own house.

And so I explained to the ghost

that it wasn't their
house anymore

showed them the bill of
sale, and that cinched it.

They left and never came back.

Wow!

Well, I had no idea

that ghosts were so reasonable.

Say, grandma

we got a genuine
Ghostbuster here.

Yes, let me introduce
you to my mother-in-law.

Madam Rita, this
is Thelma Harper.

So nice to meet
you, love your aura.

Oh, well, that's either
Obsession or Oven-Off.

Here, I brought you some
cookies to go with that lemonade.

Oh, why, thank you.

Funny, I was just thinking

how much I'd love a cookie.

Wow, is she telepathic or what?

Just think, Mama, a minute ago
you didn't even wanna see her

and now you're
doing her bidding.

Here, you have a cookie, son.

So, uh, Madam Rita, don't I
know you from somewhere?

[gasps] Oh, maybe you
two met in a former life?

No, I would have remembered.

Don't you work down
at the beauty spot?

Oh, as a matter of fact, I
do, I'm the new hair colorist.

That's my job,
this is my calling.

Oh, that is deep.

Yeah, it's getting
plenty deep in here.

Uh, you'll have to
excuse my grandma

she isn't really
into the occult.

Well, maybe if you stayed
for the rest of the session

you'll change your
opinion, Mrs. Harper.

Well, I would just love to,

but I've got a
broiler to scrape.

Mmm.

Uh-oh, I hope I didn't
make that lemonade too tart.

No, no, Ms. Harper, this is it.

She's going into her trance.

Mmm... Madam
Rita, are you alright?

[Spanish accent] I am
not Rita, I am Leonora

the Duchess of Malaga.

Get this wacko out of my house!

No, no, Mama, she's not crazy.

She's channeling.

Yes, the duchess
has entered her body

and is speaking through her.

Oh, this is just giving
me goose bumps.

Silence!

I am here to give
you the benefit

of my centuries of experience.

What do you wish to know?

Ooh! Me! Pick me! Oh! Please!

Bubba, you're not in
school, just go ahead.

Oh, okay, well, Your Duchess

my girlfriend left
me for another guy.

Will she ever take me back?

Oh, for heaven's sake,

the duchess wants questions

about the meanin' of life

not about you and some airhead

who flunked out of
cosmetology school.

Silence!

Young man, I see the field
cleaning for you in two days.

At that time, go to her,
and beg her forgiveness.

Well, that sounds
like sage advice.

Anybody could have
come up with that.

Just 'cause you're dead
doesn't mean you're smart.

Silence!

- Thelma Harper.
- Yes?

There is somebody
here on the other side

that wishes to speak to you.

Well, I'm not feeling
particularly chatty tonight.

Who is it? Who, who?

I cannot see the entity clearly

but his name, it
starts with a C.

Oh, you don't think it
could be Carl, do you?

Wait!

He has a message
for his snooky-ookums.

Oh, my Lord, it is Carl.

He always used to
call me snooky-ookums

whenever he wanted to...

Well, he didn't call
me that very often.

Gee, my daddy, he's trying to

get in touch with you
from beyond the grave.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

- Isn't it weird, Mama?
- Boy, I'll say.

He never had anything to
say to me when he was alive.

Alright, duchess, go
ahead, put him through.

And then you just quit
that job, right, Carl?

I remember how
much you hated it too.

Thought you'd never
find any work again.

But you did.

And then the very next year

we moved into this house.

You remember that, Carl?

Okay, Ms. Harper, time out.

We've been down
memory lane long enough.

Yeah, you've been
talking to daddy

for the past 20 minutes.

Other people have questions

for the duchess, too.

Hush up, I am talking
to your grandpa.

Well, quit hogging
the line, Thelma.

Get your message and hang up.

I've gotta find out
about mother's allergies.

Oh, run on home and scratch her!

It's not every day that I get
to talk with my dead husband.

Carl wants to know if
you have finished bickering

so he can give you his message.

Well, yes, we have, Carl.
Are you loudmouths happy?

Now you have upset him.

It's alright, go ahead,
Carl, what is it?

It's something he was
never able to tell you

when he was alive.

Carl says he wants...
you... to... know... that...

Yeah? Yeah? He wants
me to know what? What?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms.
Harper, that's it.

She's coming out of her trance.

Well, she can't! I want to
hear what the message is.

Speak to me, Carl.

Oh, oh, Mrs. Harper,
oh, was I under?

What'd you do with the duchess?

- Oh, then she was here?
- You don't know?

Oh, I'm never aware when
the duchess takes over.

Well, that is fascinating.

Fascinating, my Aunt Fannie!
I wanna talk to the duchess!

I'm sorry, I'm much too drained.

Besides, I have a heavy
streaking job in the morning.

Well, uh, you can't just
leave me up in the air like this!

Oh, my daddy was talking to
my mama through the duchess

but you woke up
before he finished.

Well, it's very rare to get all
the information in one session.

I-I-I could try again
tomorrow night, if you wish?

Well, what do you mean "try?"

Well, one never
knows what will happen

when one deals
with the other world.

The spirits are difficult and
notoriously undependable.

Well, I guess dying
hasn't changed Carl at all.

No.

No... Carl!

Carl, wait, come back here!

Don't leave me, Carl.

- Grandma?
- Carl!

- Grandma!
- Carl!

Grandma, are you alright?

What is the matter?

Oh, my Lord.

I must have been dreaming.

Ms. Harper, you have
dreamt about Carl

every night this week.

I know, but this
one was so real.

He was way up high
on a mountaintop

and he was calling to me,
"Thelma, Thelma, Thelma..."

"Come here, here, here..."

And I scramble and I clawed
my way all the way up there

and he just went
running away from me

laughing his fool head off.

And you never
caught up with him?

I couldn't.

Never go mountain climbing

in orthopedic shoes.

Knock, knock!

I brought some more
munchies for tonight's reading.

Is Vint gone to pick
up Madam Rita again?

Yeah, her car is still in
the shop with a bum clutch.

I tell you with the $20 I've
been laying out every night

the woman could buy a new Isuzu.

But it is worth it, Ms. Harper.

Her predictions have
been right all week.

Yes, she was able
to tell me exactly

how mother's allergy work up
from Dr. Grayson would turn out.

Seems she's not allergic
to the depilatory after all.

It's the chicken fat
she uses as lip gloss.

And she was right
about me and Terry.

She dumped that gas jockey
and we're back together again.

Now, listen, listen, I've
been thinking about this.

And she could have
gotten all of this information

doing hair down
at the beauty spot.

It's true, Terry and that gabby
old nurse of your mother's

are both regulars down there.

Both bottle blonds.

Hmm, but how do you
explain "snooky-ookums?"

She couldn't have heard
that down at the beauty spot.

No, that is the one
that's driving me nuts.

[vehicle approaching]

Oh, here they are!

Oh, I'd best go in and
set out my goodies.

I'll give you a
hand, Ms. Boylen.

What'd you bring for tonight?

Oh, more Reese's
Peanut Butter Cups

The duchess seems
to respond to those.

I swear, I think she'd
respond to anything

that isn't nailed down.

I mean, God, that
duchess eats more

and more and
tells less and less.

- Shh.
- Hi, sweetie!

Hello, ladies.

I have a feeling this might be

a very special evening.

There, did you hear that?

Yeah, yeah, every
night this week.

Uh-huh, but tonight, Mars is
aligned perfectly with Pluto.

Ooh, what about Goofy?

- Shut up, dopey!
- Ow!

So you think maybe I'm going to

get in touch with
Carl again tonight?

Oh, I'm almost sure of it.

And now I'd like to
go inside and prepare.

Oh, you mean to meditate?

No, to the ladies room.

When the duchess takes
over, she doesn't like me

to have anything
else on my mind.

Well, come on, I can't
wait to get started.

Oh, Vinton, I hope that woman

isn't just wasting my
money and your gas.

Oh, no problem,
it's been kind of fun

chauffeuring Madam Rita around.

Yeah, what does she do

predict when the signals
are going to change?

No, we just talk.

She likes to hear my stories.

You didn't tell her
about the time you met

Jerry Van d*ke
at the county fair?

No, I tell her stuff
about the family.

She's always asking
because she never

had a family of her own.

Just what exactly
do you tell her?

Well... Oh...

[chuckling] On the
way over tonight...

[chuckling] I told
her about the time

daddy bought the
new hot water heater

and he put a big bow
on it, and he gave it to you

and said it was your
anniversary present.

[laughing]

Vinton, it was not funny.

[laughing continues]

Will you knock it off?

Vinton, did you happen
to mention to that woman

that sometimes your daddy
used to call me "snooky-ookums?"

Well, I might have,
it's a pretty long drive.

Oh, my Lord.

Why, what's the matter?

Vinton, don't you understand?

If you told her about
"snooky-ookums"

it proves that woman is a fake.

Now hold on, Mama...

that doesn't prove a thing.

It doesn't matter what
I said to Madam Rita

she's not the one who
mentioned "snooky-ookums."

It was the duchess.

It's tricky, but... you
got to think it out.

I'm surrounded by morons.

But I'm not going to
sit back and take this.

Look out, Rita, Thelma's
about to flip your channel.

Candy, Madam Rita?

Oh, no, thank you,
I'm watching my weight.

I only wish the duchess would.

[all laughing]

Alrighty, let's get
this show on the road.

Come on, Madam Rita, start
your moanin' and groanin'.

Please, will you
show a little respect?

Oh, it's not necessary

I want to be treated
just like the rest of you.

Well, after all, I'm
nobody special.

Oh, how can you say that,
with your psychic ability?

Oh, everyone
has psychic ability.

- Oh, do they now?
- Oh, yes, indeed.

The spirits aren't
at all choosy.

They'll talk through
anyone who's open enough

to receive them.

You mean, I could be
working at my key grinder

and all of a sudden, start
talking like an old pirate?

Stranger things have happened.

Excuse me, Madam
Rita, could we get started?

Mother's anxious
to know if tomorrow's

a good day for travel.

She's thinking of going
out in the backyard.

Then let's begin.

Yeah, hit it, Rita.

[inhales deeply]

[moaning]

[imitating Rita]

[groaning]

I am the Duchess Leonora

with you and at your service.

- Oh, good!
- Hi, duchess.

- I have a question about...
- Terry's talking about going...

Will you three knock it off?

Take a number. I go first.

Now, duchess, what
exactly is the scoop on Carl?

[inhales deeply]

Wait! Yes, he wishes
to speak to you.

Uh, but first I
need some protein.

Vinton, would you
go into the kitchen

and get me some of those
nuts we had last time?

Not the ordinary
peanuts, mind you,

get me the party assortment.

Right away, Your Duchessness.

Could we please get
on with this, duchess?

Oh, yes.

Carl wants to
apologize for something

that happened a long time ago.

Does this make sense?

He claims he gave
you a hot water heater

on your anniversary.

Well, is that true, Ms.
Harper, did he do that?

Mm-hmm.

Well, isn't that uncanny?

Well, I guess this lays to rest

any doubts you had
about Madam Rita?

You bet your butt it does.

Here you go, Your Duchessness.

Oh, I'm sorry, but Carl
seems to be fading away.

Oh, well, that is just a shame.

I guess that means
you're going to have to

come back again and again.

Well, one can never be sure.

And now if there are
any other questions.

I have one about the
baby. I was wondering...

[Mama moaning]

[moaning continues]

Grandma!

Grandma, what's
the matter with you?

Oh, my heavens, it looks
like she's going into a trance.

[moaning continues]

Ms. Harper, wake up, wake up!

Mama, come ba-a-ack! Mama.

[gypsy accent] I am not Mama.

I am Esmeralda

I walked this Earth
a thousand years ago

and believe me, I'm bushed.

Pass me some of
those party nuts.

I can't believe it,
grandma's got a spirit in her.

Well, Esmeralda, what
brings you to Raytown?

Well, it wasn't the 92 bus.

But why would you
want to take over

my mother-in-law's body?

It was the best I
could find in a pinch.

I have come here

to expose your fancy
duchess here as a phony.

- What?
- You heard me, a phony!

How dare she, it's not
true, she's a phony entity!

- She's evil...
- Silence!

This woman sees
nothing and knows less.

I am a duchess.

Oh, yeah? Well, I outrank
you, toots, I'm a queen.

Wow, my mama, a queen!

That's right, I am Esmeralda,
queen of the gypsies.

Aha! A gypsy.

[spits]

Not of royal blood,
she's not to be trusted.

And you are, you
duchess of deceit?

Sure you get all your
information from the other side

the other side of town.

- Lies, all lies!
- Silence!

I see Madam Rita
charging twenty bucks

for secondhand gossip
she is getting for free

down at the beauty spot.

Hey, grandma was right.

Wait, you ain't
heard nothing yet.

I also see Madam Rita
sitting in a pick-up truck

getting Harper family
secrets from a nit-wit.

Wow, that's me!

Madam Rita, how could you!

Well, even the spirits need
a little help now and then.

Well, shame on you

you're nothing
but a flimflam artist.

Oh, lighten up.

Where else could you get

a whole evening of family

entertainment for twenty bucks?

Speaking of which,
your royal phoniness

I would like all of
my money back

or I'm going to call
out the Bunco squad.

I don't suppose
you'll take a check?

Not on your babushka!

Well, Thelma, you
were magnificent!

You sure were, Ms. Harper,
you had me completely fooled.

Yeah, you were just as
convincing as Madam Rita.

Oh, well, hell, I thought
I was much better.

I'll say, now...

how about bringing back
the queen of the gypsies?

Huh, Mama, can we, huh, can we?

Why not?

Good news for you, Vinton Harper

Esmeralda sees you coming
back in a future existence

as a much higher life form.

A mushroom.

Huh?

It's tricky, but you
got to think it out.

[theme music]

[music continues]